Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript

New Key & Peele airs Wednesdays on Comedy Central. Sketches include a drug deal that goes bad, a mobster who is a big cry baby, and Darius Rucker dealing with his Hootie past.

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Hey, watch where the [bleep]
you going.

- Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.

I didn't see you had
a baby there, man.

I'm sorry. I ain't trying
to fight nobody with a baby.

Yeah, h-hell yeah,
you won't.

Pfft.

- Lucky mother[bleep].
- Oh, yeah?

Well, you're lucky
I'm carrying this baby.

What's up with that?

Look, man, you need
to move on, all right?

I already told you
I'm not gonna fight you.



Huh.
That's what I thought, punk.

- Psh.
- You wanna go?

'cause we can go
right now, dog.

What's goin' on, brother?

Man, what the hell
are you doing, man?

What, what, what?
You tr... what, what?

Tryin' to bo...
I can bob and weave it.

- What?
- You bitch-ass,

punk-ass mother[bleep],
let's go.

Come on, man.
Come on.

No, no, don't look at your boys.
Look at me, man.

Don't look at your b...

Ow.

Oh, okay,
you think you hard.



All right,
but you know what?

I'ma show you what time it is
right now. Okay? Slap me.

I'm just... right?
How 'bout this, huh?

Now what you gonna do, huh?
Now what you gonna do?

You ready?
'cause we can do it right now.

'cause I could take you out,
man.

You're nothing...
Aaah...

Ow!

Oh! Oof.

Okay.

Oh, it's on now.

That's... yep.

You dead.
You dead.

Excuse me, I need this.

Yeah.

Necesito un bebe.

- Gracias.

♪ ♪

Listen.

What the...

What now, man?
What now?

Let's go.

You know what?
It's not even worth it, man.

Ahh, ha ha.

That's what I thought!

So keep walking!

Oh. Okay, that's vomit.

That is vomit.

Oh, dear.

You know what's going on.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Thank you!
- Oh, yeah.

Hello!

Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.

- Key and Peele.
- Thank you for coming out.

That's our names.

All right.

So one thing that is true

is that I would never, uh,
last in a gang.

- Nor would I.
- No.

Nor would I,
not for one moment.

I mean, I don't get
the whole hand sign thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'd be throwing up,

"Hey, live long and prosper,
mother[bleep]."

You know?

- That's what I got.
- I...

I would be too concerned
about the colors.

- Right.
- I would just be too c...

I would... 'cause I don't
understand the colors.

I don't understand
the rhyme or the reason.

Now, Bloods...
I get that one.

Why are Crips blue?

Is that a arbitrary choice?
Is there a Crip in the house?

Nobody? Nobody?

I'm just... I'm just...

Yes, ma'am, please.
Why are the Crips blue?

She just r...

"I'm a Crip.
I'm a Crip.

"I'm a Crip.
Say somethin' else."

- "Watch yourself."
- "Say somethin' else."

"Watch
yourself.

"'cause, [bleep],
I got three guns

on me right now."

What? What? What?

What? What? What?
Check yo'self,

before I body pierce
your damn skull.

Think you can pull that trigger
'fore I blow your personality

out the back of yo' head?

Then go right ahead
and test the hypothesis

and see what happens.

A'ight, I'ma give you
a straight-up vampire C-section,

- like we was...
- Edward and Bella.

Hold up.
You like Twilight?

Yeah, I like Twilight,
[bleep].

You like Twilight?

[bleep], Twilight's
my jam.

You a Edward [bleep]
or a Jacob [bleep]?

Answer that [bleep]
together.

- Three, two, one.
- Edward.

- Shi...
- Shi...

- Are you [bleep]ing with me?
- Are you [bleep]ing with me?

You either playing
some [bleep]ed-up game,

or you are straight-up
inside my head.

Yo, and when you said
you was gonna blow

my personality
out the back of my head,

I'm like,

"That sounds like some [bleep]
I would say."

- Psh.
- And now this Twilight [bleep]?

- It's wavelength, [bleep].

- So I guess we friends then.
- Oh, we best friends now.

We the best of friends!

- BFFs?
- We are BFFs, M.F.

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ The world stops turning around ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ Our feet are off the ground ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ Trumpets start to sound ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ It's Heaven
when you're around ♪

♪ La, la, la, la... ♪

No, you didn't!

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did!

That is a cra...
That's a crazy story, man.

Whew, too much, boy.

Team...

Edward.

Mm, mm, mm.

Well, looks like
another gang-related killing.

Surprise, sur-mother[bleep]-
prise.

You guys remember the
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?

- Awful show.
- That show was crazy.

It was, like, the worst editing
in the history of TV.

Just bad sound effects.

Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I mean...

When was the last time
you heard a hit sound like that?

- That doesn't sound like any...
- No, never.

No, I've never...
I've never heard that, yeah.

I love in kung fu movies,
and it, probably... it'd be like,

just the wind, just...

And you just hear that noise.

- No, you can't.
- Exactly, no, you can't do that.

♪ Saving Earth from space ♪

♪ Power Falcons! ♪

Yellow Falcon,
what do your senses tell ya?

Destructo is
a killing machine.

His armor is impervious
to our blasters.

You got any ideas,
Red Falcon?

Sure do, Yellow Falcon.

Blue Falcon, you remember
our battle at Dango Bluff?

I'll take the legs,
you take the blasters.

It was Beaver Creek,
and I took the legs.

Make sure you shore up
that flank, Black Falcon.

Um, are you talking to me?

Because I'm
the Green Falcon.

No time for that,
Black Falcon.

Purple Falcon,
arm missiles!

Roger that.
Arming missiles now.

Uh...

Battle formations.
We're going in.

- Hey.
- Roger that.

- Hold up.
- Copy that.

- Roger.
- My Falcon is green.

Hey, hey, hey.
We can talk about

our Falcon colors when we get
back to base, Black Falcon.

Right now,
we got a mission to do.

Fall into Falcon formation.

Well, now, here's the issue
is that, you're gonna

give me an order, I'm not gonna
know you're talking to me.

'cause...I'm not
in a Black Falcon.

Come on, chill it out,
Black Falcon.

Yeah, Black Falcon,
relax.

First of all,
I don't like the way

you guys are saying "black."

Second of all,
there is no Black Falcon!

I'm Green Falcon!

Black Falcon, homie,

no one's trying to get up
in your grill here.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Don't talk to me like that.

No, don't say "grill"
like that.

I'm the Green Falcon,
and I...

Oh, stop being
so Black Falcon about it.

What the [bleep]
do you mean by that?

Black Falcon, brother,

I understand
what you're going through.

Do you?
No, I don't think you do.

How would you feel if
I called you Red Falcon, huh?

Whoa!

And Purple Falcon,

how would you feel if I called
you Yellow Falcon, huh?

- That's racist.
- That was racist.

- Yeah, that's racist.
- Ooh, that is racist.

That's racist?

Oh, see, okay,
nope, forget it.

Black Falcon out...
Green Falcon!

Green Falcon! Damn it!

Hey! Why'd that Green Falcon
fall out of Falcon formation?

Black Falcon,
get on that and report back.

Black Falcon?
Black Falcon, come in.

♪ Saving Earth from space ♪

♪ Power Falcons! ♪

You know what's ridiculous?
When people go to prison

because they... they're trying
to cover for somebody else.

- Yeah.
- Don't go to prison.

If you... if you do...
if you didn't do the crime...

Both: Don't do the time.

It's true.

And that's one to grow on.

But, you know,
in prison they, you know...

It's not worth anything.

- No, it's not.
- It's not worth anything

to just straight-up
get manhandled, and horseplayed,

and monkeyed around.
No, you don't want any...

- Eh, yeah, no.
- You don't want to have

animal interactions
with another man behind bars.

I don't want
any rascally behavior.

- I don't need...
- You don't want...

everybody's undying respect
when I get out is not worth it.

- No, and as a matter of fact...
- I don't care.

you might not get
that undying respect...

- Respect, yes.
- If, you know...

when you fart it goes...
wooh... like a bottle.

like a bottle.

Like an empt...

I'm sorry.

Ma'am...
Breathe.

Yo, man, you okay in here?

Everyone on the outside
know you didn't talk.

We got mad respect
for you, dog.

All right?
Mad respect.

Yes.

And I am still happy
with that decision.

The first time
I was in lockup,

dog, I was scared
[bleep]less, man.

Scared [bleep]less, yes.
That is an...

accurate way
to describe it.

Yeah, man, but, you know,

it wasn't too long before
I made this place my bitch.

Oh, eh, there's plenty
of that going on.

Yo, I ran this place, man.

Come on, man, you must be
running this [bleep]hole.

Well, I am doing
quite a bit of running.

Man, you know there's a
certain pecking order in prison.

You know, you got
the brothers on the top,

and you got the brothers
on the bottom.

You understand.

Yes, I understand that
very clearly

and very frequently.

That's my dog.

Now...

the reason I came, though,
is we got kind of a problem.

You know a crazy brother in here
go by the name of "Seven Inch"?

Yes.
I definitely know Seven Inch.

All right,
well Seven Inch run

with the Willis brothers,
all right?

And he knows
some [bleep] that...

Well, let's just say we can't
have this guy naming names.

All right?

We thought since you
on the inside,

you could take care of it.

You know what
I'm talking about?

You want me
to take care of Seven Inch?

Yeah, you know,
just take him out the equation.

The problem is
getting time with him.

Oh, I can get time
with him.

Oh, yes, I do believe
I will most likely

be seeing him this evening.

That's awesome.

Okay, but you...
you gotta get him alone, though.

Ohhh...
That won't be a problem.

Okay, well, uh...

What's your plan, man?
How you gonna do it?

What do you say
I bite his [bleep] off?

Excuse me?

Just bring my teeth down hard
on his [bleep].

Dog, how you...
how you gonna get that close?

Just...Way ahead of you
on that one.

Oh, man.
You bad, man.

That's... that's some
hard [bleep], dog.

This place
has changed you, man.

You have no idea.

- I'm scared of cops.
- You're scared of cops?

I'm scared of cops.

I-I mean, I'm generally
afraid of cops because

when I walk around with, like,
a black friend,

like you...

I start... I start talking
a little bit more thug

- 'cause, you know...
- No, I know.

- We nee... yeah.
- Because we need the extra power.

- We need this.
- To make one full black person.

- We need this.
- So, you know.

It's gotta be right about

- this level right...
- I swear to God...

But you know what I'm saying,
brother?

You know what I'm saying?

Didn't you just get more
comfortable all of a sudden?

Yeah, all right.

So, but a cop... if a cop
comes up to me on the street and,

"Hey, what are you guys doing?"

I-I turn into [bleep]
Ned Flanders.

It's all, "Hi-dee-oh.

"Doing just fine.
Just walking down the street

"on a stroll, my friend.

"Come on, follow me.

"We'll find some criminals
together, let's do it."

Oh, man.

- "I'll tell on anyone."
- So...

"I'll tell on..."

Was I speeding, officer?

You don't look like
you're from around here.

No, sir.

You been doing
any drugs tonight?

No, sir.

- Nope?
- No.

Why don't you
pop that trunk,

step out of the vehicle
for me, please.

- Really?
- Yeah.

No drugs, huh?

Nope.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You planted that in my car.

Oh, did I?

Or... did I plant this?

Uh... I real... I guess...

Up against the car,
right now.

- Oh!
- Spread 'em!

- Uh...
- Huh, what's going...

Whoa, whoa.
What do we have here, huh?

- What?
- These your colors, homie?

- That's... that's not mine. Huh...
- Huh?

- No, I don't know what that...
- What? No?

Or are these your colors?

Or perhaps these
are your colors.

Or are these... ?
Look at all these colors.

Man, you sure got
a lot of colors.

- I don't...
- Look at all of these colors.

- What, this is...
- Wasah!

- Are you a real cop?
- Freeze!

What is that?

Mm.

Well, well, well.

It looks like
an illegal firearm.

Or...

Is it? Ahh.

Oh.

I'm... I don't...
I don't know what this is.

- I'm sorry.
- Pick a card.

That's not even a good fan.

Any card.
You can just stick... there.

- Okay, you took that card?
- Yeah.

- Now, can you remember that card?
- Yes.

Can you commit that card
to memory?

- This is unbelievable.
- Have you done so?

- Have you done so?
- Yes.

Please insert the card back
into the deck randomly.

Done.

It's in a different place than
where you took it originally?

- There.
- There we are. There we are.

- This is ridiculous.
- Now, I take the deck like so.

I give it a "skasloisles"
and "abracasloish."

Uh, fu... wha...

Okay...

Ahh. Is this...
your card?

- No!
- Are you sure?

I want your badge number.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Uh... uh... wha...

Okay...

- Oh!
- Haah.

Uh...

It's my ca...
How did you do that?

Ahh.

And...

that is for you.

After all that,
you're still giving me a ticket?

Is it a ticket?

Or is it a two-for-one coupon
for my show

at the Magic House
Thursday night at 11:00 p.m.?

Your call.

I'll take the ticket.

Great. Okay.

Do you want to talk
about that tweet?

- Well there... yes, there was...
- Yeah.

Wha... uh, a few months ago,
I did a...

a tweet that,
uh... it was a...

basically,
a hypothetical.

- Mm-hmm.
- And it asked the question,

"What if names were farts?"

- Mm-hmm.
- What if,

instead of names,
we had signature farts?

We were identified,
personally, by farts.

And we felt
that it was a good idea...

to use lots
of Comedy Central's money

to bring you this scene
based on that very premise.

Shame on you if you laugh.

Please, enjoy.

- Honey, someone's here.
- Oh. Okay.

Oh, hey ...,
good to see you.

Thanks for having us,
....

This is my girlfriend,
....

We're so happy
you could join us.

And this is my wife,
....

So this is the infamous

... and ....

... has told me
so much about you both.

All good things I hope.

You can never trust ....

Hey, wait a minute.

And please, please,
don't call me ....

It makes me think
my mother's around someplace.

Oh.

Hey, you know, where is
little ...?

Oh, she's at ...'s house
for a slumber party.

- Ah.
- Oh, um, ... and ...,

there's... this is the couple
from New York

that we wanted you guys
to meet.

Uh, this is ...
and her husband ....

They're gonna be in New York
for a few weeks,

so we were hoping you could
give them some tips.

- Ooh.
- Sure.

Oh, that'd be great.

So, how do you know
... and ...?

Oh, well ...
and I went to

... School of Dramatic Arts,

back when ...
was working in midtown.

- Mm.
- Oh, where did you work?

I was at ..., ...,
...,

and ....

Oh, the law firm.

- Hey!
- Oh, hey.

- Ha!
- How are you?

- It's so good to see you.
- Good to see you.

Come here.
Hey, everybody,

this is ....

I want you meet
one of my dearest,

oldest friends, ....

This is his girlfriend,
....

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hello.
- Of course, you know ....

- Oh, hi.
- This is ...,

and this is her husband,
....

- Hi.
- What a beautiful name.

You know, I knew
a ...

in grad school.

Oh.

Well, thank you,
but it's actually pronounced

Wow, I swear that sounds like
what you were saying ....

I don't know.

Anyways, it's lovely
to meet you all.

Yeah, yeah, okay, yes.

Robert!

I'm so sorry.
Heinrich!

I'll...

show myself to the restroom.

Wow, uh...

- Jeez.
- So rude.

Well, for ...'s sake.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you so much
for coming out.

I am the Yellow Falcon.

I am the Black Fal...
Green Falcon!

- Green, oh--
- Green Falcon!

Good night, everybody.
Take care.

♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.