Kevin from Work (2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Gossip from Work - full transcript

Dude, sorry you got rejected.

What? No, I-- Where--
How did you know that?

'Cause I threw you a going-away
party and you're here.

Italy rejected you.

Now I'm being told
I can't expense the bar tab.

Italy. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I can totally pitch in if you--

Thanks.

It was a real
body-shot type of night.

- Hoo-hoo!
- Ooh.



Did you bring us back
any souvenirs?

I never actually went to Italy.

What about a souvenir
from the airport?

Didn't make it there either.

Oh.

The Superior Scoop
said you did.

_

I know you work with him,

but you don't mind
if I get really graphic

about my night
with Kevin, do you?

More graphic
than you just were?

How? You described
the way his back smelled.

When a body part smells
like lemons and turkey dogs,

it's worth noting.



Anyway,
I've called and texted

and he hasn't called me back,
and I don't know what to do.

Look, Patti, you are
a great roommate,

but I don't think I like being in the
middle of this thing you have with Kevin.

Oh. Okay.

That's cool.

Just delete the videos
I sent you then.

_

Come on.

Hey, thanks for the lift, man.

The tow yard should be
releasing my car tomorrow,

so this shouldn't be
for much longer.

That's no problem.
I'm down for the carpool,

saving the Earth and whatnot.

I know. It just makes me feel
a little uncomfortable.

What? Freeloading-wise
or because I haven't made

a good left turn
since you've been in here?

Well, mostly because of him.

- Who? Don?
- Yeah.

- Oh, you're going to have to
get used to Don. -Mm-Hmm.

When you left me for Italy,
I had to look after myself.

I never went to Italy.

Brian's profile said you did.

You made me turn to the Internet
to find a friend, Kevin.

Let me tell you something. You
search "fit man seeking man,"

gonna find some crazy stuff.

A lot of men out there
not as fit as what they claim.

97% match.

Two percent body fat.

What's your body fat
percentage, Kev?

A hundred percent
don't care, Don.

- Hmm...
- Whoa!

Go around the back.
Go around the back.

Thought I saw Audrey.

Not sure how many more
close calls with her I can take.

- Ha. No, after you.
- You know what? No, you.

- I'll just...
- No, it's okay. I go.

- Oh, my.
- Oh!

- Oh my.
- Okay, bye. Bye.

It's just so awkward.

Why did I ever
write her a love letter?

I could have lived
a full and happy life

getting a Post-it Note
from her every morning,

sharing a candy bar
every afternoon.

I ruined everything.

Gah! Okay.

I gotta hurry in there.

Gotta sit down before she does

and not move
till after she leaves.

Kev, Kev, your bag.

- Your bag. Your bag.
- Yeah. Thank you.

Kev, is that Audrey?

Was that her right there?

- She's inside now. It's Al--
- Shut up, man.

Okay.

Who are you?

Patti.

I can't get Kevin
to call me back,

so I showed up uninvited and came
in through the unlocked door.

Who are you?

Roxie. I'm Kevin's sister.

I'm the one
who left the door unlocked.

I didn't know he had a stalker.

I didn't know he had a sister.

I like your hat.

I'm loving your entire outfit.

Thank you.

- How are you?
- Oh. You're here.

It was so quiet over there.

Well, I'm a super
quiet breather.

Which is not why
I called you here today.

Which I did not...

I... I wanted to...

tell you that
I'm moving desks.

I just-- I...
I put in the request.

I think it's gonna be
just better for both of us.

Yeah. I think
that's a great idea.

It's a good call... man.

Hey, I hope you don't mind

my hopping in here
before the chair is even cold.

HR said I could take
possession of your desk

as long as
I waive the inspection.

How did you even
know I was moving?

There was a notice
in The Superior Scoop.

Hey, you don't mind if I make
a few minor changes, do you?

I just need something
that works for the way I live.

Hey, neighbs.

So Patti is stalking me?

I know.
I was as surprised as you are.

Oh. Cinnamon.

No, no, no.
Wait, wait. Jalapeño.

Oh, this is so hard.

Oh, man.
What am I gonna tell her?

Oh, nothing.
I already took care of it.

Here's the thing, girl.

Kevin has a fiancée.

- He does?
- Yes.

And at your apartment that day,
he was trying to get

a wedding invitation back
that he sent to Audrey.

His fiancée made him
uninvite work people

'cause they're trying to save
money for their triplets.

But I made him make love to me.

I know.
He slipped up.

But if it makes
you feel any better,

he said it was a really,
really unusual experience.

Oh.

- He did?
- Yeah.

And if I were you, I would just
forget about him and move on.

You're too good
for him anyway.

I'm not sure lying about a
fiancée was the best idea?

Oh, no. Trust me, Kev.

With a girl like Patti,
you want to make sure

she knows
there is zero chance.

It was either a fiancée
of faking your death,

which takes a lot of time.

Honestly, that's just not
time that I have right now.

Okay, where was I?

Hi. Welcome.

I'm Simon,
this is Paul Garfunkel.

Some people call us
the famous singing duo's names.

Simon and Garfunkel.
I get it.

No. Common mistake.

It's Hall and Oates because I like
to pace the hallway like an animal,

and he eats dry oatmeal.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Simon would like
to apologize for his odor.

It's just my shingles cream.

Excuse me,
is there a shade for that?

Never mind.

Whoa.

Ricky, did you
just lose power?

Yes, of my own body.
I have restless feet syndrome

and kicked out the cords.
Don't worry.

It only happens
a few times a day.

Oh my...

Sorry!

Do you want me to put
my balls on your neck?

What?

Let me just confirm

that you're talking
about the wooden things

- in your hand.
- Yeah.

That's the way
we take a break.

Break is exactly what we need!

Why don't we share
a candy bar, huh?

Simon? Garfunkel?

Simon! Candy break!

Uh...

Who did this?
Who-- Who has done this?

Ricky, calm down.

It was me.

What's your game, sister?

I was trying to be nice.

By making fun of my round head.

No. That is not you.

It's a smiley face,

the universal
sign of friendliness.

I always did it for Kevin
and he never once yelled at me.

Oh. That's sweet, but...

I'm going to report you
for aggressive behavior.

What?

Yes, bitch.

Hi. I'm sorry.

You know, maybe moving
wasn't a solution.

Kevin, I hate this
new desk arrangement.

Look, I never should have
written you that letter.

I...

I was drunk
and I poured my heart out

and I said some
stupid, stupid things

- and--
- Kevin, please.

- You don't need to apologize for anything.
- No, yes I do.

I really screwed up
when I mailed it to you,

and now we're stuck
being awkward around each other.

I'm getting massages
I don't even want.

I-- I probably have shingles!

God. I saw him hug you.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

I just don't want people
to find out about that letter.

Look, Kevin,
I am really flattered

and I really don't want
to hurt your feelings,

-but I have a boyfriend and
I'm with him... -I know.

So I'm okay with everything
if you are.

You know, we can just
keep working here

and be normal and just go
back to the way it was before.

Okay?

Okay.

- Great. That would be great.
- Yeah.

Where's Don?

Oh. Don's at his mom's.

I'm supposed to pick him up
in about an hour.

We're gonna go to the driving
range, get our haircuts.

He's going to take me to his
orthotics guy, you know?

But my feet don't hurt, man!

Look, Kevin, he's suffocating me and
I need your help to get rid of him.

Look, I panicked
when you went to Italy.

- I never actually... -Now that
you're back, I don't need him.

He wants to be
my best friend.

I get it.
I'm the bomb.

But I have you.

And if I need orthotics...
I want you to take me.

So get out of it.

Don't overthink it.

See that's-- that's why
you're my 100% match.

That's why
you're my 100%.

♪ Sit back
and watch me do it ♪

♪ Super turnt up
hair cut low ceiling ♪

Smokin' Hot.

- Sounds about right.
- I'll say!

Hi!

Oh, my God!

I was just next door at the sunglasses
place when I read your Tweet!

"At the Polish Bar.

Help me decide
which color, bitches."

Then I realized I could be
a bitch that votes in person!

So... red!

You just happened
to be right next door?

Mm-Hmm!

Oh, my God.
Oh, this is heaven.

I'm so glad this gives us
an opportunity to talk.

You know, about what happened
with me and your brother and...

just how I'm feeling.

Okay.

It's just that when
I broke into your apartment

and like, you told me
that if you were me,

you would just forget
about him and move on,

that I was like,
too good for him anyway,

that really helped me.

I was wondering if you had
any more advice for me, girl.

She's following me, Kev.

And not the good
kind of following.

I think you're overreacting.

She hasn't left
me alone all day!

So thanks a lot.
You gave me your stalker.

I don't think
she's stalking you.

Oh, Kev, you are
so egotistical.

What? You think you're
the only one who's stalkable?

Someone's got a
secret crush that's not so secret.

Check The Scoop.

_

Audrey.

Can I speak to you
for a minute, please?

Ooh!

I am so sorry, Kevin.

I have no idea
how people found out.

Look, can I just have
the letter back please?

I don't want to run the risk of
it falling into the wrong hands.

I don't even
have the letter anymore.

I threw it out.

- Oh. You did?
- Mm-Hmm.

So it is gone and forgotten.

Good.

- Good. That is good news.
- Yeah.

_

What?

Oh, no.

No.

You know what, Garfunkel?
The way things are going today,

I don't even care
if those aren't the wooden ones.

Julia, hi. Can we talk
to you for a second?

Do you have any idea who writes the
gossip section in The Superior Scoop?

Please.

I don't have time
for that kind of trash.

It's just...

It's obvious that somebody is

listg to our conversations
and then writing about it,

and we're just wondering
if there's any way that we could

have a look
at the security camera footage.

Security cameras?

I don't even know
if I remember that link.

I mean, they're probably
not even operating anymore.

Oh! Yeah, I got it
up and running.

- Right there! The security camera.
- Oh.

Is that the bathroom?

Wait. What's Ricky doing?

Mm. That is one
weird Mexican Sumo.

He's not even moving.
He's just standing there.

He'll do that all day long.
Good stuff, right?

I mean, why would
he be standing... here?

What...

Look, you don't
know how to take no for an answer, Don.

Who is that?

It sounded like my buddy,
Brian, but it couldn't be.

When I found you, I was like
Bobby Brown leaving New Edition,

but I found
my prerogative, okay?

- Yeah.
- Don't be cruel!

I would hate
for you to dump me and then find yourself

abandoned down the line when your perfect
friend decides to go back to Italy.

I know what you're doing, Don.

I know what you're doing
and it's not gonna work!

- The zombie movie, you know?
- Don't you talk about...

Every time we talked,
we were in that exact spot.

Ricky heard
everything from here.

Here is my
seat reassignment long-form.

You can give my old desk
to someone else.

I don't even have
the letter anymore.

I threw it out.

Our voices must have
traveled across the ceiling.

Trashed.

He's the one
who is writing about us.

Ricky! Unbelievable.
I feel so betrayed.

I held his hand through
all of his feet spasms.

We have to get back at him.

- Vengeance will be mine!
- And mine!

And-- and your...
both of ours.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

Kevin, remember Don?

Oh hey, bro.

Can you please explain to Don
that you and I are reunited

and his friendship services
are no longer required?

Brian, Audrey and I are in the middle of
something. It's kind of an emergency.

More of an emergency than making
it clear that you and I got a bond

stronger than any friend
matching website can calculate?

Well, this seems
like guy talk, sort of.

Come find me when you're
ready for the vengeance.

- Bye, guys.
- See you later.

- Don.
- Huh?

Brian doesn't want to be
your friend anymore, okay?

Sometimes people make choices
and they second guess

and they don't mean
to hurt your feelings,

but it just happens.

You mean it?

'Cause it did hurt, you know.

Just so you know, when you-- when
you left me and you went to Italy--

I never went to Italy.

Okay, well, whatever you did,
you did it without telling me.

- I would never do that.
- Don...

you need to move on, man.

You're gonna find
your fit man seeking man.

This one is mine.

Well, it's clear to me that

I'm not going to be able
to break up what you guys have.

So...

Would you consider
adding a third?

That's a totally
different website, Don.

Hello, Patti.

Ah! Roxie!
Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Same thing you've been
doing to me. Stalking.

I wasn't stalking you.

Okay, well, then explain
why you followed me around

and you told me
all of your personal business

and you like, expected me
to give you advice or something?

I mean, I was terrified.

If my nails weren't wet,
I would have maced you.

I was just
trying to talk to you.

Who talks about their feelings
in a nail salon?

Like, every woman ever.

Do you not have
any girlfriends?

I mean, I had one
in like, tenth grade.

Oh. You don't mean sexually.

Well, I had one
in eighth grade,

but she was mean to me
and then I was mean to her

and then that was basically it.

Well, maybe it's time
for a new one.

You're lucky.
I'm a really good friend.

Do you day drink?

Well, it's the day
and I am drunk,

so you tell me.

I mean, Julia's our boss.

I can't believe she wants
Ricky to do her in her office.

But that's what she said.

She said, "I want Ricky
to do me in my office."

Lots of times.

Didn't she also
say, "Lots of times?"

Yes, she did.
She did say that.

"I want Ricky to do me
all the ways that...

I am to be done.
Plow me like the fields."

"Are sparks flying
between a loyal leader

"and a certain husky man
in plaid who craves

"a strict hand
of a mature beauty?

Stay tuned."

I almost feel bad.

Ricky!

- Oh, man.
- Oh, dude.

I don't know whether
to never talk about this again

or to never stop
talking about this.

Never stop talking about this.

- Definitely never stop
talking about this. -Okay.

- Aww. -And Kevin is a
total crier, of course.

Of course! Idiot.

Well, at least he was
when he was a kid.

Oh... Idiot!

Ooh! Pizza's here!

Oh, shoot!
Do you have any cash?

This place doesn't take
my dad's credit card.

All I have is
my brother's credit card.

Aww, I love how
entitled you are.

I love how entitled you are!

No wonder we're friends!

Your roommate has a passport.

I'm sure she has
money somewhere.

Yes!

You know, all this time
I've been imagining how great

Audrey and I would be
if she would just give

me the chance,
and then today at work,

we actually
were great together, but...

she threw out the letter.

I'm sorry, man.

No, it's okay.

It's time for Kevin to move on!

♪ It's time for Kevin
to move on ♪

♪ Kevin gotta move on ♪

Coming!

Hmm...

I can't find any!

Check her underwear drawer!

That's where Kev keeps his!

Ooh. That's hot.

What is this?

"Dear Audrey, I know you
don't think about me

"in a special way or at all, but I
think about you all the time...

Oh, hello.

You're cute.

Until then,
Kevin from work."

My Kevin?

What are you
doing this weekend?

Do you want to drive
me to Coachella?

Why didn't you tell me?

I thought you were my friend.

I'm sorry I lied, Patti.

But that's before
we were friends.

I would never
ever lie to you now.

Is this top too bright?

A little.

You really are my girl.

But just so you know,
I'm about to do something

to your brother that might
test our friendship.

It's understandable.

Boop.

Boop.

Boop!

Boop!

All right.

Well, I appreciate it.

- You good? Bye.
- Thanks for the ride.

"Lie fell apart. Oops!"

Hi, Kevin.

Brian!

I heard things didn't quite
work out with your fiancée.

Patti, don't be upset.
I-- I can explain.

Oh, really?

You can explain this?

She kept it!

Ah!