Kevin from Work (2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Come on. Come on. Come on!

Ow! Aah!

♪ And your dad don't like it
when I talk my... ♪

Brian! Brian, I got it!

- Got what?
- The new job that I applied for in Italy.

- I got it.
- Hey, congratulations, man!

I knew it! Didn't I tell you?

You think positive, you test positive!

Preach that to all my clients.

- Yeah.
- I finally get to leave

the worst job in history...



Bad pay, an evil boss.

Oh, before you go, any suggestions

on what nice thing I can say
to Fat Rob in accounting?

No more office that thinks being
eco-friendly means having only one toilet,

and a break room
you can't even take a break in.

Then there's Audrey.

Audrey Piatigorsky. She is perfect.

♪ Not literally leak,
wanna push the music ♪

Kevin: Everything she does and says...

and how she smiles and laughs.

♪ Screaming "Who want what?"
Now, please be warned ♪

Of course, she's got this awful boyfriend

she's had since college... Brock.

I think he might actually be



the mean coach from The Karate Kid.

Not Mr. Miyagi, the white dude.

- The white dude. Yeah.
- Yeah.

He has no idea how lucky he is, you know?

But I've known. I've known
since my first day at work.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Ooh. I think you have something
on your teeth, right here.

Oh.

That's when you knew
she was your dream girl?

Man, you come face-to-face
with a hundred people a day,

and nobody says anything about
the spinach in your teeth.

- Yeah.
- And there's one person...

who actually does say something.

Well, that's Audrey.

She's different. She's special.

But she'll never be with me, and I can't
take sitting next to her every day, man.

It's driving me crazy.
Monday cannot come soon enough.

Huh? You... You're going Monday?

- Yes.
- Oh, I see what you're doing.

You're telling me at work
so I don't make a scene,

'cause I gotta be professional.

- Brian.
- Don't.

I wish I could go with you, man.

Living in Los Angeles always felt
like part one of our friendship,

and you know the sequel
always takes place in Europe.

- I'm sorry.
- Crazy, wrong-side-of-the-road driving,

topless girls at the beach,

foreign girls that say
my name like this... "Brai-en."

- Dude, you can come visit me.
- I made $400 last year, Kevin.

- Where am I going?
- Okay, well,

I'm coming home for Christmas.

I got it! You miss your
flight 'cause of a snowstorm.

Uh-oh, a fake Santa Claus
steals all of our gifts.

And guess what. In the end,

you know we're gonna learn that life
lesson about the power of friendship.

This is gonna work. Let's go.

Come here.

- Hello?
- Are you so excited?

I'm so excited. I already love Los Angeles,

and I'm only in
San Bernan-dinano or whatever.

Moving on a whim was the perfect plan, Kev.

Are you so excited? I'm so excited.

I actually am excited.

I got a new job in Italy,

so I am moving out.

What? Kev, that's amazing!

This works out kind of perfectly, 'cause...

Can I be like a thousand percent honest?...

I didn't really wanna share
an apartment with you.

You're my brother and I love you,

but like a million percent honest,

I thought it'd be super weird
when I brought guys back there.

And guess what. That is happening.

- Probably kind of a lot.
- Okay, Roxanne.

Ooh! Roxie. Roxanne sounds slutty.

Oh, I gotta go, Kev. I'm gonna
flash my boobs at this cute guy.

Hey, you! Can you tell
your kids to cover their eyes?

So, it's true?

Yes, I... I quit.

No, that you have a weird
paper clip and binder fetish.

Everyone's been talking about it.

Yeah, well... Yeah, no... no fetishes here.

Unless my partner's into that,
and then, you know,

put me in pigtails, give me a lollipop,

and let's start changing some diapers.

Yeah, that stuff is weird.

So weird. I don't know why I said that.

- It's so...
- Hey, guys, lay low.

Julia's handing out a crappy account...

Dreyerson Nursing Home and Hospice Spa.

Nothing but Ensures and seltzers,

it's way out in the boonies, and it reeks.

Ricky! That is not your business!

Sorry, boss!

Like, urine with a dash
of hummus or something.

It's real bad smell over at Dryerson.

- Oh, that is so gross, Ricky.
- Hey, a bunch of us

- wanna get together in your honor tonight.
- Oh, you guys don't...

- How fun!
- Sure, great. Where? When?

- Oh, I wish I could go.
- What?

Brock has his big tournament
tonight. It's regionals.

Or is it semi-regionals? Or
is it semi-final regionals?

Is there such a thing
as regional regionals?

- Nope. That'd be weird.
- You're so devoted.

Craftworks Gastropub and Tapas Bar.

Six o'clock. It's gonna be epic,

especially if we can get a
booth by the air conditioner.

Brian: I'm gonna be fine without you here.

Me and Ricky, we gonna turn it up!

So, what you gonna do
with all your old furniture?

- You gonna give it away or...?
- Oh, I was gonna leave it for my sister.

- I'm sorry, man.
- Pssh! Don't be, okay?

I look like the type of guy that
wants hand-me-down furniture?

Uh-uhh!

What you gonna do
with all your old clothes?

You gonna give those away?

I'm coming, Ricky!

Kevin! You guys are still here!

I thought you guys couldn't
make it. The finals or whatev...

Quarter regional finals of the semis.

Kicked ass in record speed. Pow, pow!

- Yeah.
- Couldn't have done it without her.

- She paid my entrance fee.
- She...

- Come on, babe, let's dance.
- Oh!

Whoo!

Mmm! Looks like the quarterback
needs a chaperon for the prom.

Hey, get lost! Score some weed!

Kevin! Come on!

Oh, no, no, no. I can't.

Aww! You'll never see any of us ever again!

So, what's your new job?

Well, it's still in food supply,

but... it's a little closer to
what I actually want to be doing.

Which is...?

Oh, you wanna hear that too?

Wow. We are... We are really talking here.

I, uh...

I wanna own like a little hotel
or something someday.

You know, the whole hospitality thing.

Well, you'd be so good at that.

I mean, you're always
taking care of everyone.

I'm really gonna miss
you taking care of me.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm great. I'm great.

My goodbye party. I'm saying goodbye.

Why wouldn't that be great?

Okay, I'll drop it.

But you know you can tell me things, right?

I mean, we have shared a crappy cubicle
wall for three years, after all.

Audrey...

Actually, there is something
I do wanna tell you.

What is it?

Babe, we gotta go, okay?

Your boss is about to hurl and
she wants me to hold her hair.

Oh! That is why I don't do that.

Oh.

Morning! Hi, Kevin.

Hey, buddy. What's up, kid?

Oh boy.

Roxie: Whoo! I'm here!

Oh...! What happened last night?

Oh, I stayed with a guy

who is the cousin of a guy
that I dated in high school.

Well, I mean, I was in high school,

he was just finishing up
community college...

or community service. By the way,
those are not the same thing.

Why is your furniture still here?

I was leaving it for you,
so you wouldn't have to buy any.

- Oh, that's so super sweet of you.
- No, no.

But this is the kind of stuff

you leave on the curb, and you see a drunk
person passed out on it the next day.

But this drunk person is gonna be
passed out on something way nicer.

Roxie, I'm feeling weird about leaving you.

I mean, you're a little too
immature to be out here on your own.

- I can't believe Mom is okay with this.
- I am very mature, okay?

And when Mom realizes I'm not in
my room, I'll text her for sure.

Okay, I'm gonna give her a call.

She wanted to know my flight info anyway.

Kev, get on that. God, the
poor woman's probably panicked.

- Ooh, hey, from my new company in Italy.
- What's wrong with you?

Wait. What?

Canceled?

"Gourmet Couture regrets to inform you

that unseasonably warm weather

has adversely affected the truffle crop.

As such, we no longer need

a truffle oil and sea salt manager."

But I was gonna be the truffle
oil and sea salt manager.

I can't believe that job fell through!

Now I have to live with my stupid sister

and beg to get my stupid job back.

Hey, man, at least you get to
reunite with your stupid best friend.

- What's up?
- I bet Audrey hates me right now.

I got so drunk last night, I probably
made a total idiot out of myself.

- Mmm.
- You know, it's funny.

I don't know exactly what I did,

but for some reason, I don't feel like

all my feelings for Audrey
are all bottled up anymore.

Oh, that's the release that
comes from getting a hooker.

It's a very distinct feeling.

It's kinda like a caterpillar
coming out of its egg.

I did not get a hooker.
I just feel, like, at peace.

You didn't drunk-dial her, did you?

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Please no, please no.

Thank God.

- No calls.
- Okay.

Oh!

Email. "Dear Audrey,

"I've wanted to get something off my chest."

_

Die, Smart Type!

We'll do it the old-fashioned way.

Garbage.

Nobody says that.

Oh no.

What?

Come on, come on, come on.

Yup. No! My tie.

I'm sorry, I have to...

Sorry, big fella, just gonna get...

Hi. This can probably wait. Sure.

Hi. Good morning.

I have a mail emergency.

I accidentally mailed a letter to a girl.

It was very stupid, I was very drunk,

and I really need to get it back.

Okay. I can tell you are not gonna

help me with this, are you?

Of course I'll help. No problem.

Oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, if you don't mind my saying,

you're not like I expected you to be.

Sassy, right? You expected me to be sassy.

Well, not all big, black women

act as if they should play a judge
in a Jason Segel movie, right?

I was not thinking... Yes, I was.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!

No! Please stop!

Two more seconds. I... wait, I...

There was another woman here
who was gonna help me

find a letter that I
accidentally mailed to a girl.

Maybe she... Could she come back?

She could. She could even eat a
salad for lunch if she wanted,

but she's not going to.

So, why don't you run along, little man?

Oh, next time, just do
what the rest of us do...

Text her a pic of your junk.

- You're the sassy one?
- Mm-hmm.

Here's my problem... I don't have the $800

that it would take for me to get
my car out of your tow yard, so...

Please, sir, don't make me beg.

Let a man keep his dignity. Hello?

You look weird on that baby bed.

It's not a baby bed.
It's a Utenglock Grow-With-Me.

And since you're not
giving me my room back,

I had to buy the only thing
that would fit out here.

How am I gonna face Audrey
at work tomorrow?

Come on, what are you worried about?

She won't even have
your lame love letter yet.

Oh my God, you're right. There's
no way she would get her mail

before she left for work
tomorrow. I can undo this!

I just have to go to her apartment tomorrow

and plead with the mailman
to give it to me!

After I go into work and plead
with Julia to give me my job back.

Okay, Kevin, you're like family.

No, better than family.

- You came to my intervention.
- Yes, I did,

and I promise I will... be at the next one.

Mmm. You are saying all the right things.

I'll let you know.

You'll let me know. So,
maybe. Okay. Thank you.

Audrey: Kevin? Are you still here?

Aren't you supposed to be in Italy?

Yeah, that, uh... that
job actually fell through.

Oh, Kevin. I'm so sorry.

Don't be, don't be. I don't
even really like truffles.

They smell like farts.

Anyway, I think that Julia
will probably let me stay

once she sees how
committed to the job I am.

I'll see you later. I'm gonna
take the rest of the day off.

Whoa! Uh, what are you doing?

I have a horrible headache.
Julia said I could go home

if I came in early tomorrow
and walked on her back.

No! No, you don't want to do that.

She... flips over in the middle of it.

I'm gonna find you some aspirin. Come on.

Here you go. Feel better,

and... and stay... stay here.

Are you acting like a freak because of me?

Did I do something?

Go, go, go, go!

- What... What's happening?
- Everyone's hiding out.

Julia needs someone
to watch her cat this weekend.

- Thanks for the heads up.
- It's 23 years old.

You have to do dialysis on it.

- I'm not acting...
- Do you have feelings for me, Kevin?

Wait.

What? Do...

Do I have... feelings for you?

Yeah. I didn't think so,

but I promised Brock I'd ask.

Just forget I said anything.

He's... He's being sponsored
by a new protein shake,

and it's getting him really revved up.

You trying to steal my girlfriend?

What? Is this yours?

I gotta go!

- I'm so sorry.
- Really?

Excu... Is that my tie?

Oh, I'll take mine. 2A.

Wait. 2A... that's
Audrey Piatigorsky's apartment.

- Who are you?
- I need that. That's not yours.

Uh, it is so mine.

I'm her roommate, this is my mail,

and if you take it from me,
that's called mail fraud.

- My dad's a lawyer.
- Please, I just... I need to see one thing,

and then I will give it back. I promise.

No! You're gonna steal my identity!

My dad's a lawyer!

I'm feeling unsafe.

You give off a very sexual-predator vibe.

Me? No. No, I don't. I said please.

Okay, my dad's a lawyer.
I think I know what

a sexual predator is,
and you fit the profile...

Aggressive, desperate...

- Attractive.
- Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

Are you saying you don't want me?

I'm not... I did... I
didn't... I'm not... I...

It's not just your identity I'm after.

Oh. Give it to me!

Oh God!

No, I won't make love with you
in my apartment, beast!

Aah!

- Did that hurt?
- What's the right answer?

Get up!

What are you gonna do?

I just need some water.

Not too much. I don't want you to
spit it up when we get going again.

Oh, and can you bring me one of those
100-calorie Brownie Bite packets?

- Okay.
- Oh no, two!

Okay!

No, no, no.

Babe?

Kevin.

What are you doing here?

This came for you.

Hey, guys.

Have you seen my new boyfriend?

He's cute, blue eyes... or brown eyes,

a little banged up. Looks like a model.

I hope I'm pregnant.

♪ Down to the bottom,
10,000 emerald pools ♪

Pick up, pick up, pick up,
Pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Kevin, hi, it's Julia.

Listen, after pulling some strings...

and a zipper or two...

Just kidding, that wasn't for you...

I was able to get your job back.

So, congrats.

You can hit the ground running
on the Dryerson account,

starting Saturday morning at 6:00 a.m.

Man: You don't have a kid, do you?

I saw that baby bed out there.

Kevin's voice: "Dear Audrey,

"I know you don't think
about me in a special way

or at all, but I think about you...

all the time.

You're perfect and beautiful and smart

and funny and perfect."

Hey, babe.

"And one more thing...
I'm in love with you.

Madly, completely-consumes-
my-life in love with you.

So, have a great life, Audrey.

And maybe in the next one,
we'll meet again

and I won't be scared to say
what I feel and do what I want.

And I'd want you.

And this time,
I'd be the guy who gets you.

Until then...

Kevin from work."