Kenan (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Hard News - full transcript
‐ Good show. ‐ You too, bud.
‐ Yes, it was.
We've already gotten
some great feedback
on that "Five Stars to Watch"
segment.
Nice work. ‐ Oh, good.
I thought people might be mad
when they found out
we meant astronomy stars.
‐
‐ Honestly,
I didn't even realize
what we were talking about
until the end of the segment.
‐ Tomorrow we have that donut
taste test
and then Katt Williams' brother
Paul is bringing in his cat
who looks like his brother.
‐ Again?
Mika, where do you find
this garbage?
Do you just turn off
your spam filter
or are these just, like,
random DMs?
‐ Is it in the DMs?
Come on, Pam.
Stop being so mean. ‐ What?
‐ Mika's just giving the people
what they want.
She knows
that they love this stuff.
‐ Thank you.
And Friday, we shoot that piece
about that waiter
who can only walk backwards.
‐ Oh, now, you know what?
I'm actually excited
to check that out.
‐ At Millie's Counter.
‐ Ooh, love that place.
‐ Uh, I'm sorry.
I didn't‐‐I didn't know that
that was at Millie's Counter.
‐ Yeah, is that a problem?
‐ No, I don't want to do that.
We're gonna slip it.
‐ What? Kenan, why?
‐ Um, because.
Pam has a point.
You know, our segments
are getting too soft.
‐ No, I was just messing around.
We can't skip Millie's.
Their crab cakes make me horny.
‐ All right.
‐ Plus, you just said that
that's what the people want.
‐ I did, didn't I? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ But it's what they want
because we're not offering them
anything better.
We gotta stop spoon‐feeding
the masses
and challenge them
with hard news.
‐ Kenan, I worked in hard news
for ten years
and it's a miserable life.
‐ But it's important.
I mean, how else are people
gonna find out
that they got lead
in their water?
Or a councilman
is trading city permits
for Rascal Flatts tickets.
‐ Hold up.
I missed a Flatts show?
‐ I knew you'd like stuff
like that.
‐ Mm. ‐ Okay, look, Kenan.
What is really going on here?
‐ Enlightenment, Mika.
I mean, come on.
Be honest with yourself.
Don't you ever get embarrassed
by all this dumb stuff we cover?
Don't you think
we can do better?
‐ Mm. ‐ Bye!
‐ You wanna get some crab cakes?
‐ What? ‐ Yeah.
‐ Uh, bro. What's going on, man?
Mika said you was throwing a fit
about going to Millie's Counter
'cause you wanna be
a serious news guy now?
How, sir?
You don't even know
all the damn states.
‐ Excuse me. I know
all the good ones.
‐ There's one good one.
Florida. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
Okay, so this has nothing
to do with the fact
that Millie's Counter
was Cori's favorite restaurant?
‐ Was it? Huh.
I'm not too familiar
with that restaurant.
‐ Really?
Because you have their barbecue
sauce in your hand right now.
‐ What? Look at‐‐
how did this even get in here?
Man, I have no idea.
‐ Yeah‐huh you do.
Mom used to steal a bottle
every time we went to Millie's.
‐ Yeah, well, if they sold
the sauce,
then she wouldn't have
to steal it, all right?
You shouldn't call your mother
a thief.
‐ Whoa, okay. ‐ I'm sorry.
I don't know where
all that came from.
‐ It was all in the throat, too.
‐ Wow, I had no idea Cori had
that same outlaw streak as me.
‐ Okay, hey, hey,
let's just be careful
with this, all right?
We only got 21 bottles left.
‐ 21? That's a lot of bottles.
‐ But look, I'm making
progress, right?
I talked about Mom on the show.
So there's one tiny,
little restaurant
that I don't want to go to
because it reminds me of her.
What's the big whoop?
‐ No, Daddy.
You know that's not
the only place you avoid.
You won't go to the post office
'cause you say,
"Mail felt like Mom's thing."
‐ You also won't sit in the
green chair in the den because
"That's where Cori used to sit
"and pretend to read so she can
get the girls to like books."
‐ Wait, so Mom would rather
stare at a book for hours
than actually read it?
Swag. ‐
‐ Yeah, you won't even let us
go through her closet.
‐ That's because there's
grown woman stuff in there,
all right? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Okay, honestly, there's a lot
of memories everywhere.
And I don't want to be sad,
so I just don't go digging
around in the past, all right?
‐ Amen, brother.
All this new "processing
your emotions" crap is crap.
‐ Thank you, Rick.
Feels good to be on the page
as you for once.
I mean, it's terrifying,
but it's nice.
‐ All right, look at me.
Four divorces, two bankruptcies,
never been to therapy once.
Heck, when I was eight,
I watched a firecracker explode
in my uncle's shorts.
‐ Okay, stop the story.
‐ Kinda singed the‐‐
‐ Stop the story there. ‐ Yep.
Just listen to your brother.
You talked about Cori
and you felt good, all right?
That's a nice step.
Now let's start small.
Maybe another step
and go through her closet.
‐ Mm‐mm.
‐ Don't be scared.
‐ Pfft. I am not scared.
‐ No?
‐ You want me to go through
Cori's closet?
‐ Yeah.
‐ I will go through
Cori's closet all day, son.
‐ All day, son? ‐ All day.
‐ Well, today is the day.
We're going through
your mama's closet, y'all!
‐ Hey, yo! ‐ Yeah!
‐ Hold up. ‐ Closet dance!
‐ Yeah, homey.
‐ So you meant now?
‐ Wow.
‐ Hey, boss.
For the rat race skit,
do you want me in a suit
and tie or just the rats?
‐ Uh, yeah.
‐ What's up? Are you okay?
‐ Yeah, just reliving
my hard news days.
That one spoken for?
‐ No. ‐ Thanks.
‐ Mm? ‐ Hot water and salt.
Really flushes you out.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Yeah.
‐ Can I ask you a question?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Do you think our segments
are too soft?
‐ What? No way.
I think our segments and our
lighting could be softer.
Why?
‐ I don't know,
Kenan got me thinking
that maybe we have
a responsibility
to educate our audience
with harder news.
‐ The only responsibility
we have is to entertain.
The world doesn't need
more shows
telling people the importance
of voting or vaccines
or science or seat belts.
‐ Okay, thank you.
You really helped me realize
what I need to do.
‐ Stop worrying about hard news?
‐ Oh, God, no.
The world needs real journalism
now more than ever.
‐ Hey, look at this.
Cori's signature perfume.
‐ "Rejection"
by Jennifer Aniston?
‐ Yeah. I can't believe
she agreed to that name.
But it is a nice fragrance.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, look at this.
Y'all remember your mama's
tube top phase?
Nobody could make a thot shirt
look classier
more than your mama.
‐ Hey, Mom's old church hat.
‐ Oh, yeah.
I love this hat.
It always reminded me
of something
Jaden Smith
would eventually wear.
I'ma icon livin'.
‐ That thing ruined a lot
of people's view of Jesus.
‐ Amen. ‐
‐ I cannot believe
I was so freaked out
about coming in here.
It's actually nice remembering
all this stuff.
Hey, Rick.
Look, Cori kept all her old
scratchers just like you.
‐ Really?
I remember buying her first one
for her sixth birthday.
You know, I didn't think she
took after me that much
because I was on the road
all the time,
but it's nice to know
that she appreciated the thrill
of the scratch just like Daddy.
‐ Yeah, that's nice to know
that my wife was a degenerate
gambler just like you.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at her headshots.
Girls, look at her headshots.
I forgot about these.
‐ She was so pretty. ‐ Oh, man.
‐ Yeah, she used to say
she looked
"Naomi‐in‐the‐'90s thin."
‐ Yeah, she killin 'it.
‐ 'Cause she just had
food poisoning.
‐ Maybe it's not the worst
thing in the world
to reminisce a little bit.
‐ Wait a minute.
This says this
is a restraining order.
Against Cori. ‐ What?
‐ All right, uh, girls,
Daddy's cured.
Why don't you go do
your homework?
‐ We just finished.
‐ Well, then go get ready
for dinner.
‐ We just had lunch.
What's a straining order?
‐ Get somewhere that's not in
here before I tickle you both.
‐ Okay!
‐ I told you
I did not want to go digging
around in the past, Gary.
Now I gotta live forever
knowing that my wife kept
some dark secret from me.
Thanks a lot.
‐ I was just trying
to be helpful.
‐ Gary, men have
a time‐honored tradition
of how they deal with things.
They don't.
‐ Hmm.
‐ Uh, hey, man. You okay?
‐ Yeah, I'm good, man.
You know, just getting my steps.
‐ Okay, so you don't want
to talk about that‐‐
‐ Talk about what?
How all this walking is gonna
have me snatched?
Or that I found a restraining
order against my wife
from some guy named
Ron Sherman‐Willis?
‐ Are we sure that's a person
and not a paint store?
‐ I cannot believe this.
We weren't supposed
to have any secrets.
Why did this guy
and Cori have beef?
And why did the courts
get involved?
And why are you wearing
her church hat again?
‐ 'Cause I'm trying
to keep it light.
‐ No! ‐ No?
‐ No, back to plan A.
I'm just gonna swallow
all these feelings
of anger and confusion and fear
and with a little luck,
hopefully it won't manifest
into heart disease.
Gary, get out of my way.
Eh!
Ha! You see?
It's like it never happened.
‐ Amen, brother.
‐ Back to my life.
‐ All right, I know you guys
are wondering
why I called
this last‐minute meeting.
‐ Are we getting an office dog?
‐ ‐ Ah?
‐ Okay, see,
this is our problem.
Our show only cares
about frivolous stuff.
‐ A dog is frivolous now?
They're the only moral cops.
‐ Guys, we're called
"Wake Up With Kenan."
We need to wake up to what's
happening in the world.
‐ Lame! ‐ Really, Pam?
You're the one who,
this morning,
said we're making
a bunch of trash.
‐ I only mean
half the things I say.
That's the fun of Pam!
‐ Yeah, but you were right,
though.
All right?
So real news stories only.
Come on, pitch me.
‐ I can talk about
climate change
like I do at parties,
but it gets bleak.
Immediately. ‐ Ooh, ooh!
How about a serious news story
about the health benefits
of an office dog?
‐ What kind do we have?
I like poodles.
‐ What?
‐ People writing this down?
‐
Damn it!
Gentlemen, now that I've seen
this restraining order,
I can't get it out of my head.
And I won't be able to until we
get to the bottom of it.
‐ What happened to pretending
it didn't happen?
‐ It's my "can't stop
won't stop" personality.
It's why we don't keep Pizza
Pringles in the house.
‐ Let it go, man.
There's nothing that drinking
alone in the dark
for a few hours can't cure.
‐ I need to know why
this Ron Sherman‐Willis
would file a restraining
order against my sweet Cori.
Come on, no bad ideas. Let's go.
‐ Oh!
Maybe she broke
in the dude's property
to feed his deers.
That woman love deers.
‐ Okay, yeah, deers.
‐ Are you writing that down
so that he can look
at how dumb it is?
‐ Ooh, I got another one.
What if she was caught
jumping on the neighbor's
trampoline?
That was you.
‐ Well, them jerk kids
don't use it.
It's just sitting there.
‐ Come on, Gary.
These are all terrible.
It's like your only idea
was saying all
of your bad ideas.
‐ Because I didn't want to say
what I really think.
‐ Which is what? ‐ I don't know.
I said‐‐did I say that out loud?
‐ No, no, no. Come on, tell me.
‐ No, I ain't got
nothing to say, man.
‐ No, no. Come on, tell me.
‐ I think it's an affair
gone wrong, okay!
I'm sorry. ‐ What?
No.
No!
Come on, now.
No, we're moving on to Rick.
Rick, what do you think?
Rick?
Rick, you don't think
Gary is right do you?
‐ I don't know, man.
I mean, look.
Before today, I had no idea
how much Cori took after me.
But seeing her love
of the five‐finger discount,
and gambling,
the light wash jeans,
it's clear, she's my mini me.
Everybody knows
I've got a wandering...
everything.
Sorry, Kenan.
‐ No. Nope!
No, she was not
that kind of person.
‐ I feel bad about it, Kenan.
But on the bright side,
it's nice knowing
that despite our sometimes
strange relationship,
the father‐daughter bond‐‐it's
not about me.
‐ Come on.
Cori would not have cheated!
Her celebrity hall pass was me!
All right, you know what?
I'll prove it.
Yeah, I got this loser's
address.
All right?
Call it a setup.
Let's go pay him a visit.
‐ Ooh! Road trip!
‐ Help me up. A little help?
Here we go! ‐ There we go.
‐ I think this is it.
‐ Are you sure?
‐ Ooh, Ron Sherman‐Willis?
More like Rich Sherman‐Willis.
Pull up Zillow.
Zaddy needs a Zestimate‐‐
‐ Shh!
Gary, my house
is bigger than this.
‐ Uh‐‐ ‐ Ha!
Yeah, whatever.
‐ I think there's somebody
in the garage.
Come on. ‐ Your house could fit
in this house.
They can't be the same size.
‐ Be quiet!
I just need to get
a good look at this guy.
‐
‐ Oh, no.
Kenan, he's beautiful.
‐ So what?
Just because he's built like
a "Mortal Kombat" character
doesn't mean he slept
with my wife.
‐ Yeah, but...
look at that picture up there.
‐ He's got a framed picture
of Cori?
‐
‐ Who's he fighting?
Several ghosts?
‐ Oh, get up! ‐ Go!
‐ Oh, my gosh.
‐ Oh, Lord. ‐ Drive!
Aah!
‐ Ow! What was that?
‐ I don't know. ‐ A house?
‐ Go! ‐ Okay!
‐ Try to reverse!
‐ It's okay, I got this, y'all.
I got this.
‐ You're good, you're good.
Oh, stop, stop.
Now crank it left.
No, no, no. My left!
‐ My left is your left!
‐ Oh, you're right.
‐ I'm right, or crank it right?
‐ Yes. ‐ Just go!
‐
‐ And we're late.
Lamont, I told you
I'm better than Waze.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Okay, Kenan.
You'll be happy to know
that we're starting the morning
with a very serious news story.
‐ Why?
‐ Uh, 'cause you reignited
my passion
for real journalism.
Starting today, we're covering
hard news.
‐ Oh, yes.
Yeah, no, I love that.
Hard news. ‐ Yes.
‐ You know,
the harder the better.
‐ That's right. Hey!
‐ Lamont. ‐ Lamont.
‐ ‐ Heavy foot.
‐ Wow. Funny every time, Lamont.
‐ Call your parole officer.
‐ Okay.
So you're gonna be
interviewing a guy
who says that someone
vandalized his American flag
and then scattered it
across his lawn.
‐ Oh, that's gonna be good,
'cause white people
be tripping about flag stuff
for no reason at all.
‐ You know it.
‐ Um... ‐ Oh, there he is now.
‐ Hi!
Are you here from the news?
‐ Something in my eye.
‐ Glad you called.
So, what?
We kicking this guy's ass?
‐ No, we're not kicking
anybody's ass.
I'm interviewing our victim
about the little felony
that we committed last night.
‐ What are you talking about
and why are we emphasizing
pronouns?
‐ Come here.
You remember the little
24‐point turn
that you did on Ron's lawn?
Well, we tore up
his American flag
and the man is a veteran!
I think legally, he's allowed
to spank us now.
‐ Okay, look.
Don't worry about it.
Just remember the three D's.
Deny, deflect, de‐‐be‐‐blame?
Dwayne? D'Angelo?
No, that's a singer. DaBaby.
‐ It's a rapper. ‐ Defrost?
‐ No, that's chicken.
‐ Yeah, you right.
‐ Shut‐de‐hell up. ‐ Okay.
‐ Kenan? We're ready for you.
‐ Terrific! ‐ Go get 'em.
‐ It's‐de‐time.
Nope.
‐ I pledge allegiance
to the flag,
except we can't.
What a tragedy.
So tell me,
Ron Sherman‐Willis‐‐
if that's even your real name‐‐
who would do such a thing?
My guess is a very angry animal.
‐ Those are clearly tire tracks.
‐ Well.
I didn't realize
that I was interviewing
Detective Elliot Stabler
over here!
Gong, gong.
That's obviously
the work of a possum.
‐ Driving a‐‐
‐ Driving a Ford Festiva.
‐ What the hell is he doing?
‐ Trying to get to the truth.
‐ Oh, de‐truth? Nope.
That's the opposite
of what we want.
‐ Why are you guys here?
‐ We're only getting
your side of the story.
We can't get the flag's
side of the story,
because she's no longer with us.
‐ What‐‐I'm sorry, what
are you talking about?
‐ She's gone, Ron. Okay?
You ever stop to think
that maybe you deserved this?
For putting your flag pole
where it didn't belong?
‐ In my yard?
‐ You sure put it
in somebody's yard!
‐ That was a really
good interview.
‐ 100%.
‐ I gotta go look in the car.
‐ Uh, car‐‐we gonna go.
‐ Hey, pal. Quick question.
What in the hell was that?
‐
Look, the real reason
I didn't want to go
to Millie's Counter is because
it reminded me of Cori.
And I just feel like there'd be
too many memories there.
So the hard news thing
was just an excuse.
‐ Well, there goes a week
of my life.
‐ I know. I'm sorry.
‐ Follow‐up question.
What does any of that have to do
with you freaking out
at that Ron guy?
‐ Well, that's a longer story
involving a restraining order
and Gary backing up over the
man's flag multiple times.
‐ Wow.
‐ But the bottom line is, I‐‐
I think he had
an affair with Cori.
‐ What? That's crazy.
Cori loved you.
She wouldn't even peep
the shirtless dues
in every Tyler Perry movie.
Trust me, Kenan, she was
the sweetest person ever.
‐ Yeah, but now I'll never
know know, you know?
And that little bit of doubt
has got me spinnin'!
And you know once I start
something, I can't stop.
‐ I know.
That's why we can't keep
Pizza Pringles
in the break room anymore.
‐ Exactly.
‐ You know what?
Come on, let's go. ‐ What?
‐ We're gonna talk to Ron,
because whatever the truth is
is better than whatever this is.
‐ Wait‐‐now, wait a minute.
‐ Put it down.
You don't need it.
‐ I just poured.
That's a fresh one.
‐ All right, you got this. Okay?
You got this.
‐
‐ You gonna‐‐really?
Kenan‐‐
‐ I was gonna get to that!
‐ Yes? ‐ Hey, man.
I'm sorry, I just wanted
to come by and apologize
about the interview earlier.
It kinda got away from me,
and, um,
I have to talk to you
about something kind of tough‐‐
‐ Sorry, just hold that thought.
Honey, come here!
You're not gonna believe
who's back.
So I didn't get a chance
to tell you
during the interview,
'cause, well‐‐
‐ Yeah, we were there. ‐ Yeah.
‐ But I am your biggest fan!
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah.
‐ Well, thank you, man.
That's really cool of you.
But I'm not really sure that
you're gonna want your wife
out here for this. ‐ My wife?
‐ Sorry, you caught me
literally making bread
from scratch, hi.
I'm Van, Ron's husband.
‐ Van!
Mika! ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ It's Van! ‐ Yeah.
‐ He's a man! You're a man!
‐ I am. ‐ And you're m‐‐
oh, my goodness, come here!
Look, you're never gonna‐‐
this is crazy.
I thought that you
had an affair with my wife.
‐ What? ‐
Can you imagine?
‐ I know, right? ‐ Ridiculous!
‐ Just come back in.
Oh, so happy!
‐ What's happening?
‐ Unclear. ‐
‐ Phew. Thank you for that.
It has been
a rollercoaster of a week,
and year, for that matter.
But when I saw you doing
Tae Bo in front of a picture
of my wife,
coupled with
the restraining order
and some really bad advice,
I jumped to a horrible
conclusion,
so, I'm sorry. My bad.
‐ Not a problem. But, sorry,
how did you see the picture
of Cori in our garage?
‐ Well, you both said sorry,
so that's all that's important.
‐ Yep.
‐ Shall we get to steppin'?
‐ Yes, we should.
‐ Yeah, and when did you see me
doing Tae Bo?
‐ I'm guessing all the time.
You know, I mean,
look at your body.
You look like you've been drawn
by a horny 7th grader.
‐ And who cares when stuff
happened, right?
Timelines don't matter.
‐ I mean, look at her.
She's turned 29,
like, five times.
‐ But I am 29. And it was twice.
‐ But you didn't sleep
with my wife, right?
So I don't even care
about the picture
or the restraining order.
Let's get on out of here.
We good.
Thank you for the warm water.
Actually, I can't let this go
until I know everything.
And, by any chance,
do you have any Pizza Pringles?
Wow, look at this.
‐ NSYNC Celebrity Tour?
I was there for that.
‐ You guys are super
into the aughts, huh?
‐ Ron is an avid collector
of what I consider
to be the bleakest moment
in pop culture history.
‐ ‐ Yeah.
Well, I guess this explains why
you have a picture of Cori,
but... why'd you have a
restraining order against her?
No way!
You know this is exact
kind of car
I used to drive
on "Grown Ass Little Boy"?
I always told myself I was
gonna buy myself one of these,
but then, you know,
we had kids and I never did.
‐ Oh, it's not the same
kind of car.
It's the actual car.
‐ Wait, you serious?
‐ Like I said,
I'm a huge fan,
so when it went to auction,
I had to get it.
The only other
major bidder was...
Cori.
She wanted to surprise you.
‐ See, Kenan?
‐ Cori's dark secret
was buying you a car.
She was the sweetest
person ever.
‐ I don't know.
After I outbid her, she
followed me to the parking lot
yelling, "This car
will Christine your ass!"
‐ ‐ Yeah, well, that's my girl.
‐ It actually wasn't that funny.
She called the house. A lot.
And showed up to my work.
And somehow tricked me
into showing up to her work.
‐ Yikes. ‐ Wow, that's good.
Well, we both had that "can't
stop won't stop" thing.
I guess it's what we loved
about each other.
Even though it did
get us in trouble a lot.
‐ Like how you both stalked us?
‐ Easy, I don't think anybody's
stalking anybody here.
‐ Ron Sherman‐Willis.
Man, Kenan and Mika‐‐what
the hell
are all you doing here?
‐ What are you doing here?
‐ We came to kick Ron's ass.
I owe it to you, Kenan.
Since it was my cheater DNA
that made Cori sleep
with this creep, so I‐‐
wait, are you a different
impossibly moisturized guy?
‐ He is. ‐ Um‐‐
‐ Boy, your skin is dewier
than the morning grass.
‐ Okay, everybody leave.
‐ I knew that was coming.
‐ Sorry. ‐ We gotta go, come on.
‐ Is it, like,
a moisturizer or oil?
‐ It is a proprietary blend.
‐ I didn't lay a hand on him!
‐ They're gay.
‐ Thanks for coming
to Millie's, y'all.
‐ Oh...
I forgot my wallet.
‐ In Florida? ‐ Yes.
‐ Hi, dad. I ate 15 crab cakes,
so dinner's free now, right?
‐ What?
They don't have that kind
of contest here, girl.
Who told you that?
I ain't think
she was gonna do it.
‐ ‐ So, Kenan, how's it feel
being back at Millie's Counter?
‐ Kinda great.
I mean, it's crazy.
I was avoiding my memories,
but this is the best
I've felt all year.
And I've got
a new memory of Cori.
You know what, Gary?
You were right all along, bro.
‐ I was?
That's‐‐please don't start
listening to me.
That's too much pressure.
‐ It was a one‐time thing.
‐ Okay.
‐ Now, if I'm being honest,
learning how similar
Cori was to me
got me all caught up and I‐‐
I felt closer to her somehow.
Ah, that's stupid. I know.
‐ Oh, it's not stupid, man.
‐ Really?
'Cause we also desecrated
a flag, stalked a man twice,
and almost got arrested. ‐ Yeah.
‐ So I think I'll just stick
with my way
of coping with the past.
Thank you very Scotch.
‐ Yeah, I don't blame you.
All right, everybody got one?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ What you say, we move it out?
‐ Let's bounce! ‐ Get it.
‐ Wait. Wait, guys.
I'm missing my shoe!
God, no, no!
‐ Leave the shoe, Mika!
‐ Yes, it was.
We've already gotten
some great feedback
on that "Five Stars to Watch"
segment.
Nice work. ‐ Oh, good.
I thought people might be mad
when they found out
we meant astronomy stars.
‐
‐ Honestly,
I didn't even realize
what we were talking about
until the end of the segment.
‐ Tomorrow we have that donut
taste test
and then Katt Williams' brother
Paul is bringing in his cat
who looks like his brother.
‐ Again?
Mika, where do you find
this garbage?
Do you just turn off
your spam filter
or are these just, like,
random DMs?
‐ Is it in the DMs?
Come on, Pam.
Stop being so mean. ‐ What?
‐ Mika's just giving the people
what they want.
She knows
that they love this stuff.
‐ Thank you.
And Friday, we shoot that piece
about that waiter
who can only walk backwards.
‐ Oh, now, you know what?
I'm actually excited
to check that out.
‐ At Millie's Counter.
‐ Ooh, love that place.
‐ Uh, I'm sorry.
I didn't‐‐I didn't know that
that was at Millie's Counter.
‐ Yeah, is that a problem?
‐ No, I don't want to do that.
We're gonna slip it.
‐ What? Kenan, why?
‐ Um, because.
Pam has a point.
You know, our segments
are getting too soft.
‐ No, I was just messing around.
We can't skip Millie's.
Their crab cakes make me horny.
‐ All right.
‐ Plus, you just said that
that's what the people want.
‐ I did, didn't I? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ But it's what they want
because we're not offering them
anything better.
We gotta stop spoon‐feeding
the masses
and challenge them
with hard news.
‐ Kenan, I worked in hard news
for ten years
and it's a miserable life.
‐ But it's important.
I mean, how else are people
gonna find out
that they got lead
in their water?
Or a councilman
is trading city permits
for Rascal Flatts tickets.
‐ Hold up.
I missed a Flatts show?
‐ I knew you'd like stuff
like that.
‐ Mm. ‐ Okay, look, Kenan.
What is really going on here?
‐ Enlightenment, Mika.
I mean, come on.
Be honest with yourself.
Don't you ever get embarrassed
by all this dumb stuff we cover?
Don't you think
we can do better?
‐ Mm. ‐ Bye!
‐ You wanna get some crab cakes?
‐ What? ‐ Yeah.
‐ Uh, bro. What's going on, man?
Mika said you was throwing a fit
about going to Millie's Counter
'cause you wanna be
a serious news guy now?
How, sir?
You don't even know
all the damn states.
‐ Excuse me. I know
all the good ones.
‐ There's one good one.
Florida. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
Okay, so this has nothing
to do with the fact
that Millie's Counter
was Cori's favorite restaurant?
‐ Was it? Huh.
I'm not too familiar
with that restaurant.
‐ Really?
Because you have their barbecue
sauce in your hand right now.
‐ What? Look at‐‐
how did this even get in here?
Man, I have no idea.
‐ Yeah‐huh you do.
Mom used to steal a bottle
every time we went to Millie's.
‐ Yeah, well, if they sold
the sauce,
then she wouldn't have
to steal it, all right?
You shouldn't call your mother
a thief.
‐ Whoa, okay. ‐ I'm sorry.
I don't know where
all that came from.
‐ It was all in the throat, too.
‐ Wow, I had no idea Cori had
that same outlaw streak as me.
‐ Okay, hey, hey,
let's just be careful
with this, all right?
We only got 21 bottles left.
‐ 21? That's a lot of bottles.
‐ But look, I'm making
progress, right?
I talked about Mom on the show.
So there's one tiny,
little restaurant
that I don't want to go to
because it reminds me of her.
What's the big whoop?
‐ No, Daddy.
You know that's not
the only place you avoid.
You won't go to the post office
'cause you say,
"Mail felt like Mom's thing."
‐ You also won't sit in the
green chair in the den because
"That's where Cori used to sit
"and pretend to read so she can
get the girls to like books."
‐ Wait, so Mom would rather
stare at a book for hours
than actually read it?
Swag. ‐
‐ Yeah, you won't even let us
go through her closet.
‐ That's because there's
grown woman stuff in there,
all right? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Okay, honestly, there's a lot
of memories everywhere.
And I don't want to be sad,
so I just don't go digging
around in the past, all right?
‐ Amen, brother.
All this new "processing
your emotions" crap is crap.
‐ Thank you, Rick.
Feels good to be on the page
as you for once.
I mean, it's terrifying,
but it's nice.
‐ All right, look at me.
Four divorces, two bankruptcies,
never been to therapy once.
Heck, when I was eight,
I watched a firecracker explode
in my uncle's shorts.
‐ Okay, stop the story.
‐ Kinda singed the‐‐
‐ Stop the story there. ‐ Yep.
Just listen to your brother.
You talked about Cori
and you felt good, all right?
That's a nice step.
Now let's start small.
Maybe another step
and go through her closet.
‐ Mm‐mm.
‐ Don't be scared.
‐ Pfft. I am not scared.
‐ No?
‐ You want me to go through
Cori's closet?
‐ Yeah.
‐ I will go through
Cori's closet all day, son.
‐ All day, son? ‐ All day.
‐ Well, today is the day.
We're going through
your mama's closet, y'all!
‐ Hey, yo! ‐ Yeah!
‐ Hold up. ‐ Closet dance!
‐ Yeah, homey.
‐ So you meant now?
‐ Wow.
‐ Hey, boss.
For the rat race skit,
do you want me in a suit
and tie or just the rats?
‐ Uh, yeah.
‐ What's up? Are you okay?
‐ Yeah, just reliving
my hard news days.
That one spoken for?
‐ No. ‐ Thanks.
‐ Mm? ‐ Hot water and salt.
Really flushes you out.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Yeah.
‐ Can I ask you a question?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Do you think our segments
are too soft?
‐ What? No way.
I think our segments and our
lighting could be softer.
Why?
‐ I don't know,
Kenan got me thinking
that maybe we have
a responsibility
to educate our audience
with harder news.
‐ The only responsibility
we have is to entertain.
The world doesn't need
more shows
telling people the importance
of voting or vaccines
or science or seat belts.
‐ Okay, thank you.
You really helped me realize
what I need to do.
‐ Stop worrying about hard news?
‐ Oh, God, no.
The world needs real journalism
now more than ever.
‐ Hey, look at this.
Cori's signature perfume.
‐ "Rejection"
by Jennifer Aniston?
‐ Yeah. I can't believe
she agreed to that name.
But it is a nice fragrance.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, look at this.
Y'all remember your mama's
tube top phase?
Nobody could make a thot shirt
look classier
more than your mama.
‐ Hey, Mom's old church hat.
‐ Oh, yeah.
I love this hat.
It always reminded me
of something
Jaden Smith
would eventually wear.
I'ma icon livin'.
‐ That thing ruined a lot
of people's view of Jesus.
‐ Amen. ‐
‐ I cannot believe
I was so freaked out
about coming in here.
It's actually nice remembering
all this stuff.
Hey, Rick.
Look, Cori kept all her old
scratchers just like you.
‐ Really?
I remember buying her first one
for her sixth birthday.
You know, I didn't think she
took after me that much
because I was on the road
all the time,
but it's nice to know
that she appreciated the thrill
of the scratch just like Daddy.
‐ Yeah, that's nice to know
that my wife was a degenerate
gambler just like you.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at her headshots.
Girls, look at her headshots.
I forgot about these.
‐ She was so pretty. ‐ Oh, man.
‐ Yeah, she used to say
she looked
"Naomi‐in‐the‐'90s thin."
‐ Yeah, she killin 'it.
‐ 'Cause she just had
food poisoning.
‐ Maybe it's not the worst
thing in the world
to reminisce a little bit.
‐ Wait a minute.
This says this
is a restraining order.
Against Cori. ‐ What?
‐ All right, uh, girls,
Daddy's cured.
Why don't you go do
your homework?
‐ We just finished.
‐ Well, then go get ready
for dinner.
‐ We just had lunch.
What's a straining order?
‐ Get somewhere that's not in
here before I tickle you both.
‐ Okay!
‐ I told you
I did not want to go digging
around in the past, Gary.
Now I gotta live forever
knowing that my wife kept
some dark secret from me.
Thanks a lot.
‐ I was just trying
to be helpful.
‐ Gary, men have
a time‐honored tradition
of how they deal with things.
They don't.
‐ Hmm.
‐ Uh, hey, man. You okay?
‐ Yeah, I'm good, man.
You know, just getting my steps.
‐ Okay, so you don't want
to talk about that‐‐
‐ Talk about what?
How all this walking is gonna
have me snatched?
Or that I found a restraining
order against my wife
from some guy named
Ron Sherman‐Willis?
‐ Are we sure that's a person
and not a paint store?
‐ I cannot believe this.
We weren't supposed
to have any secrets.
Why did this guy
and Cori have beef?
And why did the courts
get involved?
And why are you wearing
her church hat again?
‐ 'Cause I'm trying
to keep it light.
‐ No! ‐ No?
‐ No, back to plan A.
I'm just gonna swallow
all these feelings
of anger and confusion and fear
and with a little luck,
hopefully it won't manifest
into heart disease.
Gary, get out of my way.
Eh!
Ha! You see?
It's like it never happened.
‐ Amen, brother.
‐ Back to my life.
‐ All right, I know you guys
are wondering
why I called
this last‐minute meeting.
‐ Are we getting an office dog?
‐ ‐ Ah?
‐ Okay, see,
this is our problem.
Our show only cares
about frivolous stuff.
‐ A dog is frivolous now?
They're the only moral cops.
‐ Guys, we're called
"Wake Up With Kenan."
We need to wake up to what's
happening in the world.
‐ Lame! ‐ Really, Pam?
You're the one who,
this morning,
said we're making
a bunch of trash.
‐ I only mean
half the things I say.
That's the fun of Pam!
‐ Yeah, but you were right,
though.
All right?
So real news stories only.
Come on, pitch me.
‐ I can talk about
climate change
like I do at parties,
but it gets bleak.
Immediately. ‐ Ooh, ooh!
How about a serious news story
about the health benefits
of an office dog?
‐ What kind do we have?
I like poodles.
‐ What?
‐ People writing this down?
‐
Damn it!
Gentlemen, now that I've seen
this restraining order,
I can't get it out of my head.
And I won't be able to until we
get to the bottom of it.
‐ What happened to pretending
it didn't happen?
‐ It's my "can't stop
won't stop" personality.
It's why we don't keep Pizza
Pringles in the house.
‐ Let it go, man.
There's nothing that drinking
alone in the dark
for a few hours can't cure.
‐ I need to know why
this Ron Sherman‐Willis
would file a restraining
order against my sweet Cori.
Come on, no bad ideas. Let's go.
‐ Oh!
Maybe she broke
in the dude's property
to feed his deers.
That woman love deers.
‐ Okay, yeah, deers.
‐ Are you writing that down
so that he can look
at how dumb it is?
‐ Ooh, I got another one.
What if she was caught
jumping on the neighbor's
trampoline?
That was you.
‐ Well, them jerk kids
don't use it.
It's just sitting there.
‐ Come on, Gary.
These are all terrible.
It's like your only idea
was saying all
of your bad ideas.
‐ Because I didn't want to say
what I really think.
‐ Which is what? ‐ I don't know.
I said‐‐did I say that out loud?
‐ No, no, no. Come on, tell me.
‐ No, I ain't got
nothing to say, man.
‐ No, no. Come on, tell me.
‐ I think it's an affair
gone wrong, okay!
I'm sorry. ‐ What?
No.
No!
Come on, now.
No, we're moving on to Rick.
Rick, what do you think?
Rick?
Rick, you don't think
Gary is right do you?
‐ I don't know, man.
I mean, look.
Before today, I had no idea
how much Cori took after me.
But seeing her love
of the five‐finger discount,
and gambling,
the light wash jeans,
it's clear, she's my mini me.
Everybody knows
I've got a wandering...
everything.
Sorry, Kenan.
‐ No. Nope!
No, she was not
that kind of person.
‐ I feel bad about it, Kenan.
But on the bright side,
it's nice knowing
that despite our sometimes
strange relationship,
the father‐daughter bond‐‐it's
not about me.
‐ Come on.
Cori would not have cheated!
Her celebrity hall pass was me!
All right, you know what?
I'll prove it.
Yeah, I got this loser's
address.
All right?
Call it a setup.
Let's go pay him a visit.
‐ Ooh! Road trip!
‐ Help me up. A little help?
Here we go! ‐ There we go.
‐ I think this is it.
‐ Are you sure?
‐ Ooh, Ron Sherman‐Willis?
More like Rich Sherman‐Willis.
Pull up Zillow.
Zaddy needs a Zestimate‐‐
‐ Shh!
Gary, my house
is bigger than this.
‐ Uh‐‐ ‐ Ha!
Yeah, whatever.
‐ I think there's somebody
in the garage.
Come on. ‐ Your house could fit
in this house.
They can't be the same size.
‐ Be quiet!
I just need to get
a good look at this guy.
‐
‐ Oh, no.
Kenan, he's beautiful.
‐ So what?
Just because he's built like
a "Mortal Kombat" character
doesn't mean he slept
with my wife.
‐ Yeah, but...
look at that picture up there.
‐ He's got a framed picture
of Cori?
‐
‐ Who's he fighting?
Several ghosts?
‐ Oh, get up! ‐ Go!
‐ Oh, my gosh.
‐ Oh, Lord. ‐ Drive!
Aah!
‐ Ow! What was that?
‐ I don't know. ‐ A house?
‐ Go! ‐ Okay!
‐ Try to reverse!
‐ It's okay, I got this, y'all.
I got this.
‐ You're good, you're good.
Oh, stop, stop.
Now crank it left.
No, no, no. My left!
‐ My left is your left!
‐ Oh, you're right.
‐ I'm right, or crank it right?
‐ Yes. ‐ Just go!
‐
‐ And we're late.
Lamont, I told you
I'm better than Waze.
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Okay, Kenan.
You'll be happy to know
that we're starting the morning
with a very serious news story.
‐ Why?
‐ Uh, 'cause you reignited
my passion
for real journalism.
Starting today, we're covering
hard news.
‐ Oh, yes.
Yeah, no, I love that.
Hard news. ‐ Yes.
‐ You know,
the harder the better.
‐ That's right. Hey!
‐ Lamont. ‐ Lamont.
‐ ‐ Heavy foot.
‐ Wow. Funny every time, Lamont.
‐ Call your parole officer.
‐ Okay.
So you're gonna be
interviewing a guy
who says that someone
vandalized his American flag
and then scattered it
across his lawn.
‐ Oh, that's gonna be good,
'cause white people
be tripping about flag stuff
for no reason at all.
‐ You know it.
‐ Um... ‐ Oh, there he is now.
‐ Hi!
Are you here from the news?
‐ Something in my eye.
‐ Glad you called.
So, what?
We kicking this guy's ass?
‐ No, we're not kicking
anybody's ass.
I'm interviewing our victim
about the little felony
that we committed last night.
‐ What are you talking about
and why are we emphasizing
pronouns?
‐ Come here.
You remember the little
24‐point turn
that you did on Ron's lawn?
Well, we tore up
his American flag
and the man is a veteran!
I think legally, he's allowed
to spank us now.
‐ Okay, look.
Don't worry about it.
Just remember the three D's.
Deny, deflect, de‐‐be‐‐blame?
Dwayne? D'Angelo?
No, that's a singer. DaBaby.
‐ It's a rapper. ‐ Defrost?
‐ No, that's chicken.
‐ Yeah, you right.
‐ Shut‐de‐hell up. ‐ Okay.
‐ Kenan? We're ready for you.
‐ Terrific! ‐ Go get 'em.
‐ It's‐de‐time.
Nope.
‐ I pledge allegiance
to the flag,
except we can't.
What a tragedy.
So tell me,
Ron Sherman‐Willis‐‐
if that's even your real name‐‐
who would do such a thing?
My guess is a very angry animal.
‐ Those are clearly tire tracks.
‐ Well.
I didn't realize
that I was interviewing
Detective Elliot Stabler
over here!
Gong, gong.
That's obviously
the work of a possum.
‐ Driving a‐‐
‐ Driving a Ford Festiva.
‐ What the hell is he doing?
‐ Trying to get to the truth.
‐ Oh, de‐truth? Nope.
That's the opposite
of what we want.
‐ Why are you guys here?
‐ We're only getting
your side of the story.
We can't get the flag's
side of the story,
because she's no longer with us.
‐ What‐‐I'm sorry, what
are you talking about?
‐ She's gone, Ron. Okay?
You ever stop to think
that maybe you deserved this?
For putting your flag pole
where it didn't belong?
‐ In my yard?
‐ You sure put it
in somebody's yard!
‐ That was a really
good interview.
‐ 100%.
‐ I gotta go look in the car.
‐ Uh, car‐‐we gonna go.
‐ Hey, pal. Quick question.
What in the hell was that?
‐
Look, the real reason
I didn't want to go
to Millie's Counter is because
it reminded me of Cori.
And I just feel like there'd be
too many memories there.
So the hard news thing
was just an excuse.
‐ Well, there goes a week
of my life.
‐ I know. I'm sorry.
‐ Follow‐up question.
What does any of that have to do
with you freaking out
at that Ron guy?
‐ Well, that's a longer story
involving a restraining order
and Gary backing up over the
man's flag multiple times.
‐ Wow.
‐ But the bottom line is, I‐‐
I think he had
an affair with Cori.
‐ What? That's crazy.
Cori loved you.
She wouldn't even peep
the shirtless dues
in every Tyler Perry movie.
Trust me, Kenan, she was
the sweetest person ever.
‐ Yeah, but now I'll never
know know, you know?
And that little bit of doubt
has got me spinnin'!
And you know once I start
something, I can't stop.
‐ I know.
That's why we can't keep
Pizza Pringles
in the break room anymore.
‐ Exactly.
‐ You know what?
Come on, let's go. ‐ What?
‐ We're gonna talk to Ron,
because whatever the truth is
is better than whatever this is.
‐ Wait‐‐now, wait a minute.
‐ Put it down.
You don't need it.
‐ I just poured.
That's a fresh one.
‐ All right, you got this. Okay?
You got this.
‐
‐ You gonna‐‐really?
Kenan‐‐
‐ I was gonna get to that!
‐ Yes? ‐ Hey, man.
I'm sorry, I just wanted
to come by and apologize
about the interview earlier.
It kinda got away from me,
and, um,
I have to talk to you
about something kind of tough‐‐
‐ Sorry, just hold that thought.
Honey, come here!
You're not gonna believe
who's back.
So I didn't get a chance
to tell you
during the interview,
'cause, well‐‐
‐ Yeah, we were there. ‐ Yeah.
‐ But I am your biggest fan!
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah.
‐ Well, thank you, man.
That's really cool of you.
But I'm not really sure that
you're gonna want your wife
out here for this. ‐ My wife?
‐ Sorry, you caught me
literally making bread
from scratch, hi.
I'm Van, Ron's husband.
‐ Van!
Mika! ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ It's Van! ‐ Yeah.
‐ He's a man! You're a man!
‐ I am. ‐ And you're m‐‐
oh, my goodness, come here!
Look, you're never gonna‐‐
this is crazy.
I thought that you
had an affair with my wife.
‐ What? ‐
Can you imagine?
‐ I know, right? ‐ Ridiculous!
‐ Just come back in.
Oh, so happy!
‐ What's happening?
‐ Unclear. ‐
‐ Phew. Thank you for that.
It has been
a rollercoaster of a week,
and year, for that matter.
But when I saw you doing
Tae Bo in front of a picture
of my wife,
coupled with
the restraining order
and some really bad advice,
I jumped to a horrible
conclusion,
so, I'm sorry. My bad.
‐ Not a problem. But, sorry,
how did you see the picture
of Cori in our garage?
‐ Well, you both said sorry,
so that's all that's important.
‐ Yep.
‐ Shall we get to steppin'?
‐ Yes, we should.
‐ Yeah, and when did you see me
doing Tae Bo?
‐ I'm guessing all the time.
You know, I mean,
look at your body.
You look like you've been drawn
by a horny 7th grader.
‐ And who cares when stuff
happened, right?
Timelines don't matter.
‐ I mean, look at her.
She's turned 29,
like, five times.
‐ But I am 29. And it was twice.
‐ But you didn't sleep
with my wife, right?
So I don't even care
about the picture
or the restraining order.
Let's get on out of here.
We good.
Thank you for the warm water.
Actually, I can't let this go
until I know everything.
And, by any chance,
do you have any Pizza Pringles?
Wow, look at this.
‐ NSYNC Celebrity Tour?
I was there for that.
‐ You guys are super
into the aughts, huh?
‐ Ron is an avid collector
of what I consider
to be the bleakest moment
in pop culture history.
‐ ‐ Yeah.
Well, I guess this explains why
you have a picture of Cori,
but... why'd you have a
restraining order against her?
No way!
You know this is exact
kind of car
I used to drive
on "Grown Ass Little Boy"?
I always told myself I was
gonna buy myself one of these,
but then, you know,
we had kids and I never did.
‐ Oh, it's not the same
kind of car.
It's the actual car.
‐ Wait, you serious?
‐ Like I said,
I'm a huge fan,
so when it went to auction,
I had to get it.
The only other
major bidder was...
Cori.
She wanted to surprise you.
‐ See, Kenan?
‐ Cori's dark secret
was buying you a car.
She was the sweetest
person ever.
‐ I don't know.
After I outbid her, she
followed me to the parking lot
yelling, "This car
will Christine your ass!"
‐ ‐ Yeah, well, that's my girl.
‐ It actually wasn't that funny.
She called the house. A lot.
And showed up to my work.
And somehow tricked me
into showing up to her work.
‐ Yikes. ‐ Wow, that's good.
Well, we both had that "can't
stop won't stop" thing.
I guess it's what we loved
about each other.
Even though it did
get us in trouble a lot.
‐ Like how you both stalked us?
‐ Easy, I don't think anybody's
stalking anybody here.
‐ Ron Sherman‐Willis.
Man, Kenan and Mika‐‐what
the hell
are all you doing here?
‐ What are you doing here?
‐ We came to kick Ron's ass.
I owe it to you, Kenan.
Since it was my cheater DNA
that made Cori sleep
with this creep, so I‐‐
wait, are you a different
impossibly moisturized guy?
‐ He is. ‐ Um‐‐
‐ Boy, your skin is dewier
than the morning grass.
‐ Okay, everybody leave.
‐ I knew that was coming.
‐ Sorry. ‐ We gotta go, come on.
‐ Is it, like,
a moisturizer or oil?
‐ It is a proprietary blend.
‐ I didn't lay a hand on him!
‐ They're gay.
‐ Thanks for coming
to Millie's, y'all.
‐ Oh...
I forgot my wallet.
‐ In Florida? ‐ Yes.
‐ Hi, dad. I ate 15 crab cakes,
so dinner's free now, right?
‐ What?
They don't have that kind
of contest here, girl.
Who told you that?
I ain't think
she was gonna do it.
‐ ‐ So, Kenan, how's it feel
being back at Millie's Counter?
‐ Kinda great.
I mean, it's crazy.
I was avoiding my memories,
but this is the best
I've felt all year.
And I've got
a new memory of Cori.
You know what, Gary?
You were right all along, bro.
‐ I was?
That's‐‐please don't start
listening to me.
That's too much pressure.
‐ It was a one‐time thing.
‐ Okay.
‐ Now, if I'm being honest,
learning how similar
Cori was to me
got me all caught up and I‐‐
I felt closer to her somehow.
Ah, that's stupid. I know.
‐ Oh, it's not stupid, man.
‐ Really?
'Cause we also desecrated
a flag, stalked a man twice,
and almost got arrested. ‐ Yeah.
‐ So I think I'll just stick
with my way
of coping with the past.
Thank you very Scotch.
‐ Yeah, I don't blame you.
All right, everybody got one?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ What you say, we move it out?
‐ Let's bounce! ‐ Get it.
‐ Wait. Wait, guys.
I'm missing my shoe!
God, no, no!
‐ Leave the shoe, Mika!