Kenan (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

[snoring]

[alarm ringing]

[Janelle Monáe's "Tightrope"]

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I can't complain about it,
I gotta keep my balance ♪

♪ And just keep
dancin' on it ♪

♪ We gettin' funky
on the scene ♪

♪ Yeah, you know about it,
like a star on the screen ♪

♪ Watch me tip all on it ♪

♪ Then baby,
whether I'm high or low ♪

♪ You got to tip
on the tightrope ♪



♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ You can't get too high ♪
♪ We can't get too high ♪

♪ I said you
can't get too low ♪

♪ We can't get too low ♪

♪ 'Cause you get too high ♪

♪ One, two, three, go! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah,
watch me tip all on it ♪

♪ Then baby,
whether I'm high or low ♪

♪ Baby, whether you're
high or low ♪

♪ Baby, whether
you're high or low ♪

♪ You gotta tip on ♪

Who is that?
[screams]

What was that noise
you just made?



You're gonna wake up
the girls.

You're the one yelling.
What are you even doing up?

Well, I thought
we had a break‐in.

And what were you gonna do?
Give him the funk?

No, I was gonna hit him
in the face and then say,

"Sax to be you."

That actually
would've been dope.

Oh, look who came to say
good morning‐‐my grandbabies.

Oh, babies, I'm so sorry
Papa Rick woke you up.

It's okay, Dad,
you wake us up every morning.

Did I hear a girl scream?
Kinda.

No, that thing you heard
probably, like,

a grown man or something
like that, you know?

Plus, you know you're
the only girls in my life.

Remember, nobody
can ever... both:

Replace your deceased
parental figure.

How'd you know
I was gonna say that?

I read all your
self‐help books:

"Living with Loss,"
"Single Parenting,"

and "Aging Gracefully."
Good book.

And just call her Mom.

Or even Cori
would be less weird.

Okay, well, you know what?

I think the books
want me to stick

to the more general terminology
kind of thing, all right?

So I'll pick you up
after school.

Love you, bye!

See you.
[smooches]

Oh, maybe just one more hug?

You know I'm
all about that hug life.

Aww, just in time
for the hugs!

Uncle Gary!
Hug!

I'm gonna get
some of that too‐‐whoo!

All right,
thank you, thank you!

What, you just getting home?

Yeah, boy,
the club was thick, boy!

I got nine numbers.

She must've left off
the last one by accident,

but I'll find her.
Hope you do.

Anyway, what'd I miss?
Oh, my God, so much!

I was in there sleeping,
and I heard a noise‐‐

Hey, man, I'm late for work.

We don't have time for that.
Gary, you good to drive?

No, but I'm up
for the challenge.

Nope.
Bye, have a good show!

[upbeat music]

♪ Wake up, wake up,
wake up ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up ♪

We live in five‐‐
where's Kenan?

Four‐‐Darren‐sound,
I see your boom.

Three‐‐Tami, don't mention
your Etsy store.

Two‐‐powder Kenan.
One‐‐never mind, no time.

Good morning, Atlanta!

I don't care who you slept with
as long as you...

[all:]
Wake up with Kenan!
Wake up with Kenan!

That's right!

With me, as always,
are my PICs:

Tami over there,
ready to get her cook on...

I also don't care
who you slept with,

as long as you're married!

That sucks.

And as always,
Pam on sports.

Thanks, Kenan.

Last night, the Hawks
went into quadruple overtime,

which got me closer to
my ultimate NBA dream: a tie.

I mean, come on, Kenan,

do we really need
a winner and a loser?

So true.
So true.

Which reminds me, I'd like
to start by addressing an issue

that is tearing
this country apart‐‐

pitting friend against friend,
family against family.

Making not only Thanksgiving
uncomfortable,

but almost every meal.

I'm talking, of course,
about the issue of

cake versus pie!

[laughter]

With the help
of local Atlanta bakery,

Cake‐onia‐‐
I don't get it‐‐

you'll never have to argue
with a loved one again.

That's right, y'all.

Pie on the outside,
cake on the inside!

Pie‐Caken, y'all.

Mind Blown City,
[population:]
your boy.

[laughter]

What's that funny family
Thanksgiving story

you always tell?

Uh, I'm not sure that's me.

Yeah, I'm not really
the family story guy.

Oh.
It's kind of private.

Why don't we just dig in,
y'all?

What‐‐you never shut up
about your family.

You showed a selfie on air
of you

with Birdie's first boo‐boo
in the potty.

She became a big girl
right before my very eyes.

But hey, come on, y'all.

I might spin a little yarn,
but not about Thanksgiving.

I mean, that holiday
is just a scam

to promote Big Turkey,
am I right?

[gasps]
Oh, I remember now.

Your wife somehow stuffed
her phone inside the turkey.

I don't wanna talk
about my past!

I mean, I don't wanna talk
about my repast,

because repast means food,

and I don't wanna talk about
it, I just wanna eat it, y'all!

Come on,
let's have a little bite.

Mmm!

Now, I could eat that
every dang day.

Which reminds me,
when we come back,

we'll meet a man who ate
only sweets for a year

and lost 40 pounds
when they amputated his legs.

And we're out.
Back in one minute.

[bell rings]

Uh‐huh, yup.
Okay, Hugo.

You're right,
I am not a car person.

I will check it again.

Mechanics.
They are all crooks.

Well, that one definitely is.

We did an exposé on him.

I can't believe
you took your car there.

Yeah, I thought
I could change him.

Anyway,
this isn't about my stuff.

How are you, Kenan?
I'm fine, why?

I mean, you were late again
this morning and‐‐

I know, I'm sorry,
I was doing all the girl stuff,

and then my father‐in‐law‐‐
well, my ex‐father‐in‐law‐‐

My Rick‐‐was just acting
a damn fool.

But on the show too.
You're just‐‐

you're a little off.
And you snapped at Tami‐‐

not that she isn't
super snap‐able‐‐

but you just‐‐you haven't
been yourself since,

well, you know...

[knocking on door]
Knock, knock, y'all.

Tami, I told you
I'd handle this.

No, I got it.

Tami, I'm really sorry
I lost my temper.

I don't care about that.
I care about our ratings.

Which, I don't know
if Mika told you, are tanking.

Okay, not tanking, slipping.

And Kenan, we're more worried

about you‐‐
The ratings.

Woman,
what is wrong with you?

What? He needs to know
we're getting dinked on

by "Sleep In With
Kiki and the Fudge."

It's "Dunked On."

And they got a little bump

because Kiki married
the Fudge live on air.

Exactly, they tune in for us,
our personal lives,

'cause they're so much better
than theirs.

That's morning TV.

Wow, what Tami is trying,
and failing, to say

is we're worried
that you haven't

fully processed
your grief yet, Kenan.

Come on, I could set you up
with my old therapist.

The one that hit on you?

Did I stop biting
my nails or what?

Look, you want me
to step it up

on the show?
Done.

But I'm not talking
to no therapist.

I mean, even if I had
a free second, which I don't‐‐

I'm like the Michael Jordan
of processing grief.

Was Michael Jordan that good
at processing grief?

When his dad died,
he quit basketball

and grew a Hitler mustache.

I mean I'm as good
at processing grief

as Michael Jordan
is at basketball.

Oh.
Light bulb!

Talk to the audience
about Cori on air.

Kill two birds with one stone.

Not that Cori is a dead bird.
She's a dead person.

I remember, Tami.
Thank you.

[exhales]
That was a slam‐dink!

Out.
Okay.

Look, boss, as your manager,

I gonna agree
with everything you say.

But as your brother,
Mika is right, man.

It's why you can't talk
about Cori or move on at all.

What?
Men don't move on.

They push through.

Now, does Kenan need
an extra set of hands

to help with the girls?
Sure.

That's why Papa Rick's here.

But emotionally?
Look at him.

He's doing great.

Thank you very much, Rick.
You see?

Sometimes we forget,
since he's handsome,

he's actually
got them years on him,

wisdom that we can learn from.

[cell phone buzzes]
Hello?

I'm a winner?
Of course I'm a winner.

Oh, I'm a winner of a cruise?

I don't remember
entering a raffle.

Yeah, social security
number is‐‐

No, Rick‐‐

That walking fedora is proof
you haven't moved on, man.

Rick came down when Cori passed
and never left.

It's been a year of him just
all up in our business, man.

Just throwing
our swagger off as a unit,

Trying to get us to watch
"Green Book" all the damn time.

All right,
so Rick is a little eccentric.

The girls love him,
and he is helping me.

Helping you stay
in denial, bro.

Look, you focused all your time
on Aubrey and Birdie, yo,

and they the trillest.
They my homies.

Well, they're children.
They're trilldren.

Nice one.
Right, but they good now.

So focus on you, man.
Take baby steps.

Go hang out with your boys,
go on a date,

kick Rick to the curb‐‐
whatever you gotta do

to get your life back to normal
so you can be happy again.

I mean, I hear you.
I hear everybody.

Because everybody's
got an opinion.

Now can we please talk
about anything else?

Order for Kenan?

So that's what we gonna do,
man?

We're just going
to avoid reality?

I'm not avoiding anything.

Got your usual right here.

A macchiato for you,
and a vanilla blended for Cori.

Tell her I said hi.
No diggity no doubt!

For Cori?

Oh, come on,
you gotta be kidding me.

Oh, she looks nice.

No man.
Her eyes are mad weird.

Hey, these women are people
with feelings and‐‐

eyes that are
way too close together.

Good Lord,
that girl look dizzy.

Man, nothing but dizzy women
on this app, man.

This is why you gotta
get me on Raya, bro.

For the last time,
I told you.

I can't get you on Raya, man.
You gotta be rich or famous

or something
to get on that app.

And I would've been both
of those things if my mixtape

wasn't get caught up
in the courts.

Because you named yourself
Lil Caesar.

It's completely different
from the pizza place!

But then why was
your first single

called "Beatsa, Beatsa"?
Oh, no!

Damn it, Toby.

Did you lose your bet,
Papa Rick?

Yeah, but if Rebecca ends up
being schizophrenic

and Randall adopts
Kevin's babies,

I'm gonna clean up.

Are you gambling on
"This Is Us" plot twists?

Oh, yeah.

This is the most
dangerous game: life.

Good Lord.
Oh, okay.

Come on, y'all, dinner's ready.
TV and phones off.

Dad, I just need
to Postmate something

for our bake sale real quick.

Postmates?

Girl, we do not buy
our bake sale treats

and then try to pass them off
as our own

like some overworked mom
in a rom‐com.

Why don't you let your daddy
bake you something?

How about a Pie‐Caken?
I made one

on the show this morning.
Did you make it

or did you just throw a bunch
of ingredients in a bowl

and then pull out
a premade thing?

Rick, snitches get stitches.

They really do.
Come on, man, I made it.

Oh, well, maybe you did.
I don't know.

Well, let's make a deal.

How about we let you
bake something

if we can get
Instagram accounts?

Whoo!
Ay‐yo!

Please, Dad.

Tami's two‐year‐old
just got one,

and he already has
a sponsorship deal

with Butt Paste!

You are not
becoming influencers.

And if you wind up half
as messed up as Tami's kids,

your mama might
spring back to life

and take me
to the other side with her!

Sorry, I didn't mean to talk
about your mom like that.

It's true, though,
she'd murder you.

For sure, and honestly,

it was just nice to hear you
talk about Mom

like a real person again,

and not a character
from one of your grief books.

Hey, Dad, do you have
any funny Mom stories?

Yeah.
I mean, why not?

Did I ever tell you how we met?

I ever tell you how we met?
You're her dad.

Wasn't there
when she was born.

Rick, this is my story.

Oh.
Thank you, buddy.

All right, so, girls,

you know your mom and I used to
be on the same sitcom, right?

But did you know that your mom
actually played my mom?

[both:]
Mm...
That's just nasty.

I know, that's what
all the fans thought too.

But it's not like we were
really related.

And we were
only three years apart.

But I got the baby face,
you know, and‐‐

All women over 21 play moms
because Hollywood is sexist AF?

Aubrey!
But yes, you are correct.

Man, when Cori would tuck you
in, that got hella confusing.

Yeah, your mom
would always go,

"You know, you ain't never
too old for a little tuck."

And then we would stare into
each other's eyes way too long.

I do not blame them
for canceling us.

Oh, I could show y'all
a blooper reel sometime.

Yeah, totally.
That would be fun.

Feels good to talk about Mom,
huh?

Told you.

I don't know what
I was so scared of.

♪ Wake up, wake up ♪

♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

Our next guest today
is a doula named Ellen Davis,

here with her new book,

"Get This Thing Out of Me:

Tips and Tricks
for Your Best Birth."

Thanks, Tami.

You know, the number one thing
I tell new moms

is to have a birth plan.

But when baby comes,
throw it out the window!

Well, I hope you mean
the plan, and not the baby.

No, but seriously,
that did happen

with my wife Cori and I.

[gasps]
And we can talk
more about that?

Because I'm sure the audience

would love a personal story,
Kenan.

Yeah.
Yeah, no, of course.

So, we had a birthing plan
for both of our babies,

but when that pain hit,
it went straight to hell.

I'm telling you,

my wife was probably
the first woman in history

to get an epidural
at zero centimeters!

[laughter]

And I would never let her
live it down.

She would stub her toe
and I'd be like,

" We need an epidural stat!"

Or we'd go to a restaurant,
and I'd say,

"She'll have the kale salad,
the risotto, and an epidural!"

[laughter]

I love that!

But all jokes aside,

moms should wait
as long as possible for drugs

if they can stand the pain.

So you calling
my wife soft now?

What?
No.

It's just better for the baby.

Oh, so now she wasn't
looking out for our babies?

I'm sorry, but my wife
was an amazing woman, okay?

And she gave birth

to two beautiful girls,
all right, Ellen?

Thank you, and it's not like
she took the easy way out

and got a C‐section
or nothing like that.

Oh, to be clear,

C‐sections aren't
the easy way out.

It's a very serious surgery.
Very serious.

No, right, right.
No, I was joking.

No, I was joking.
No, Ellen, I was joking.

My wife used to even joke‐‐
she used to say,

"Stay‐at‐home moms can just

pop them things out
at any old time."

But she was so busy,
she needed that C‐sizzy!

Am I right?
Am I?

Sorry, are you criticizing
stay‐at‐home moms now?

Oh, God, I hope not.

No‐‐okay, in conclusion,

I just wanna say
stay‐at‐home moms

work harder than working moms.

Nope, they both work
equally as hard.

All moms are heroes.
So, it goes like this.

It goes: the troops,
and then stay‐at‐home moms

and working moms
are tied for second,

and then 9/11
first responders‐‐

didn't mean to mention 9/11.
What is happening to you?

Oh, come on now, y'all.

Y'all are acting like
I called Beyoncé fat!

[audience gasps]
That's it.

We're gonna take
a quick break, folks.

[sighs]

[grunts]

Yes?

Well, you sure stepped‐‐
What you did was wrong.

I'm a social piranha.

I told you they were gonna
say something,

but how can they not when you
came at the Beyhive like that?

I didn't come at the Bey‐‐
okay, look, fine.

Y'all are the ones that told me
to talk about Cori

in the first place
so I could "move on."

Well, congrats.
Not me.

I told him to talk Cori,
not talk crazy.

I told him
not to talk at all.

Look, something
immeasurably sad happened,

and now everyone's great.
End of story.

That is not how it works.

I said everyone's great.
End of story.

Bro, you okay, man?

You ain't opened your mouth
since we left the station,

except in the grocery store

when you was downing
so many cheese samples.

I like cheese.
You gotta admit, Dad.

That was pretty bad.
Yeah, Dad.

Listen, y'all are children,
okay?

And y'all are only two halves
of one functioning adult,

so that means
I get to make the rules,

and we're not
talking about this anymore.

Besides, we have way more
important stuff to focus on,

like making the Pie‐Caken
for the bake sale.

Rick, you wanna sift the flour?

Oh, no thanks,
but very nice offer.

Rick, man,
why you putting on an apron

if you're not gonna help?
'Cause this thing's

hilarious.
Oh, my God.

Where is the rest
of that woman?

Dad, everybody at school
is talking about you.

Molly said you'd cry like a B

if somebody cut you in half
and then took a baby out.

And that's your teacher
that said that?

Mm‐hmm, and some kids
who have their own phones

showed us some really bad stuff
on Twitter.

You are not getting a phone,
all right?

And we are not talking
about this anymore.

It's gonna blow over.

Daddy just made a mistake,
all right, it happens.

Not anymore.

Don't you know there's no
such thing as mistakes now?

Yeah, and you pissed off

the scariest group possible:
white women.

No one can hold a grudge,

or a pinot grigio,
like a white woman.

Look, let's stop
focusing on my mistake,

and let's focus
on this dang cake!

♪ Beyoncé fat, Beyoncé fat ♪

What's wrong with this?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Rick, did you turn
the doorbell

into a little remix
of my mistake?

Well, I could never do that

without a little help.

That's it, bedtime.
Now.

It's so early.
Well, brush your teeth twice,

and then brush
your sister's teeth two times,

and then brush your feet.
Come on, Bird.

Dad's worried that if we
audit too many adult issues,

we'll flunk our childhood.

Stop reading my books!
A man needs his secrets!

What?

Hey, I'm just here
as a friend

to see how you're doing,
all right?

I know talking about Cori
really rattled you.

So how can I help?

Can you separate eggs?
Yeah.

Then come on.
Okay.

Hey, y'all.

But while I've got you,

I do need to take off
my friend hat for a second

and put on my boss hat.
Oh, I knew it.

Kenan, you wilded out on air.

Because y'all keep making me
talk about my feelings!

What's so hard to understand?
I'm fine.

You are not fine, man,
'cause you're doing that thing

with your nose where one
nostril just flares by itself.

For real?
Yeah.

Which one?
The one that's flaring.

Look, Kenan,
whether you wanna deal

with your personal life or not
is, unfortunately, up to you.

But you have to deal
with the show.

I know your career
matters to you.

You mean my career
matters to you.

Well, yeah,
my career's all tangled up

in your damn career‐‐
it's not great.

Whatever, you do you.

Let me know what Chipotle
you end up managing

so I can come by
for a burrito bowl.

All right, all right,
all right, come on.

What do I need to do?

The network just wants
you to say sorry on air.

Well, not sorry.

One of those apologies
where you never

actually use the word sorry.
You get it,

you've seen countless men
apologize before.

How am I supposed
to apologize

without saying sorry?

What, "I regret that you may
have possibly felt offended"?

Kid's a natural.

[upbeat music]

♪ Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up ♪

Hi, um, as always,

I don't care
who you slept with,

as long as you...

[audience scoffs]

Wake up with Kenan.

Uh, I'd like to start
by addressing

yesterday's misunderstanding,
and believe me,

no one was more offended

by that misunderstanding
than yours truly.

sometimes, words can end up
in an order that's misleading.

And I regret if that word order
may have offended‐‐

that‐‐no, this is dumb.

Oh, he's free‐balling it.

100 bucks says
he has meltdown again.

Guys, I‐‐

You know, when Cori passed,
I was destroyed.

Who's Cori?
His wife.

Oh‐‐I thought it was Carrie.
Shh.

I thought, you know, I would
handle it the way I always do,

which is to not,
but that didn't work.

So then I thought I'd talk
about her on the show.

And what happened was‐‐

well, whatever that was,
happened.

But if I'm being real,
it made me feel better.

It made me feel like
I can get my life back.

So I wanna thank my family
for pushing me...

This is terrible.

And y'all, my other family,
for listening.

I screwed up, okay?

And I am genuinely sorry.

I really am.
So what do you say?

[applause, scattered cheers]

All right.

We are not there yet, Gary.
Okay.

Oh‐‐come on.
[grunts]

Well, I'm glad the Internet
loves you again, Daddy.

Thank you.
You know who would've thought

all of this was super funny?
Mom.

She would've been all,

"What in the Mel Gibson
did you step in this time?"

[laughter]

She'd be like,
"My daddy warned me

"that you were a dumbass.

He begged me not to marry you!"

[laughs]
That's hilarious.

You like that?
Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Ding!

What, what is this over‐‐
come on, now.

What could it be?
[vocalizes fanfare]

Oh, I made you a Pie‐Caken!
Pie‐Caken!

[cheers]

[laughter]

Wow, that's amazing.

When'd you have time
to make that?

Today?
Really?

'Cause I was here all day
and I didn't see‐‐

It was probably
when you were napping.

Remember when you were napping?

Dad, it's okay, we saw you
take it out of the cabinet.

What?
I knew it.

Wow, cracked another case,
Dick Tracy.

You know,
I think we're all just glad

you're back at the helm
of the "SS Your Life."

Which one of my books
is that from?

None.
I'm writing my own.

Needs work.
Oh, snap.

"This Is Us"
got nothing on this us.

I don't know.
I love you guys.

Aww.
That's kinda sweet.

[all:]
No!

Papa Rick,
that's for our bake sale!

[laughter and applause]

Action.

Thanks for tucking me in,
Mom,

but I don't need
a kiss good night.

Oh, you're never too old
for a kiss from your mom.

Good night, baby.
Good night, Mama.

[all:]
Aww.
So sweet.

Ew.
Cut!

Guys.
What?

Can we try the good nights
a little less sensual?

And the kiss
a little less foreplay‐y?

Great, thank you.
Whatever you say, chief.

This is funny and gross.
[chuckles]

She looks so pretty.
Yes, she does.

It's nice to see Mom, huh?

Don't you mean our
deceased parental figure?

No.
Mom.

Good night.
Good night, Mommy.

Good night.
Good night.

Shh.
Cut!

We did it again.
It's my‐‐

it's me doing
the finger thing, isn't it?

That's what's throwing it?

Try it one more time.
Action!

[both moaning]

[both:]
Ew.

I am amazed they kept us on
as long as they did.