Keeping Up Appearances (1990–1995): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Christening - full transcript

( theme music playing )

IS THIS TIE ALL RIGHT?

FOR WHERE WE'RE GOING
ANY TIE'S A NOVELTY.

IT'S NO GOOD BEING
LIKE THAT ABOUT IT.
IT'S A FAMILY OCCASION.

THE THING IS TO MAKE
THE BEST OF IT.

ANYWAY, I ALWAYS THINK

THERE'S SOMETHING NICE
ABOUT A CHRISTENING.

THERE'S SOMETHING
EVEN NICER IF THERE'S
BEEN A WEDDING FIRST.

THERE'S NO REPLY
FROM REG.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, DO YOU?

CAN YOU PLEASE FORGET
MEN TODAY, ROSE?



ALL DAY?

OH, ALL RIGHT,
JUST FOR THE CHRISTENING.

DONE. I DON'T CARE
IF HE IS WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

I WONDER WHO SHE IS,
THE BITCH.

- ROSE!
- SORRY, SORRY.

CAN I HAVE
THE TEA TOWEL?

WELL--

I'M READY.

IS ONSLOW UP YET?

I SHOUTED HIM
AN HOUR AGO.

THAT'S CUTTING
IT FINE.

YOU KNOW HE NEEDS
AT LEAST TWO.

ONSLOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY CLEAN SHIRT?



DAISY, WHERE'S ONSLOW'S
CLEAN SHIRT?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER?
HE NEVER WEARS A SHIRT.

HOW'S SHE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER?
YOU NEVER WEAR A SHIRT.

OCCASIONS.

HE DOES ON FORMAL
OCCASIONS.

HAS HE TRIED
LOOKING IN THE WARDROBE?

HAVE YOU TRIED LOOKING
IN THE WARDROBE?

HAVING BABIES EVERY YEAR.

HE HOPES YOUR LASS
ISN'T-- OH!

- I HOPE THE GIRL ISN'T GOING
TO MAKE A HABIT OF IT.
- STOP WORRYING.

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK
WHAT THE FATHER DOES.

YOU CAN'T JUST TELL THEM,
"HE GETS AWAY."

OH, THAT'S BETTER,
DEAR.

SHE'S NOT A BAD GIRL.
I'VE ALWAYS LIKED STEPHANIE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THIS PIECE
OF JEWELRY.

IT'LL HAVE TO DO,
I'M NOT WEARING MY BEST.

WITH SOME OF ONSLOW'S
CRONIES ABOUT,

I COULD BE MUGGED.

SET YOUR MIND TO IT.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE
THE BEST OF THINGS.

AT LEAST THEY'RE
BOTHERING TO HAVE
THE LITTLE GIRL CHRISTENED.

KYLIE.

WHAT SORT OF A NAME IS KYLIE
FOR A CHRISTIAN PERSON?

IT SOUNDS LIKE
A FOREIGN VEGETABLE.

NOW, IF ON OUR WAY
WE MEET ANYONE WE KNOW,

I SEE NO HARM
IN TELLING THEM

THAT WE'RE GOING
TO A CHRISTENING,

BUT I SEE NO NEED TO BE
EXPLICIT ABOUT THE DETAILS.

- WHO AM I GOING TO TELL?
- I'M JUST WARNING YOU,

THEY NEEDN'T BE TOLD
WHERE THE CHRISTENING IS--

AND THEY CERTAINLY
NEEDN'T BE TOLD

THE EXACT
CIRCUMSTANCES.

MY LIPS
ARE SEALED.

- GOOD DAY, ELIZABETH.
- OH, GOOD MORNING, HYACINTH.

OH, YOU ARE
LOOKING SMART.

OH, THANK YOU.

WE'RE OFF
TO A CHRISTENING.

IT'S JUST A SMALL
INTIMATE AFFAIR.

OH, VERY NICE.
FASHIONABLE?

WELL YES,

REASONABLY FASHIONABLE.

- YOU WOULDN'T GO
TO ANY OTHER KIND.
- HARDLY.

IS THE CAR CLEAN,
RICHARD?

IT WAS WHEN I LEFT IT
TWO MINUTES AGO.

WELL, ENJOY
YOUR CHRISTENING.

- TRICKER THAN IT SOUNDS.
- I'M SURE IT IS.

LIFE'S TRICKY ENOUGH
FOR MOST OF US

RICHARD!

COMING, DEAR.

HOW CAN YOU
SAY THAT?

DENNIS,
THAT'S CRUEL.

IT'S NOT ONLY CRUEL,
IT'S OBSCENE.

YOU KNOW I FINISHED
WITH REG.

I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT WITH REG
SINCE I STARTED WITH YOU.

OH, THAT TIME.

IF YOU WILL KEEP ON BRINGING UP
THAT OCCASION, DENNIS--

THAT WAS NOTHING,
IT WAS ENTIRELY INNOCENT.

I BROUGHT IN REG

MERELY TO HELP ME
WITH MY FOOTBALL COUPON.

WHAT YOU AND REG WERE DOING
CERTAINLY WASN'T CRICKET.

SHUT YOUR FACE,
ONSLOW.

WHEE!

OOOH!

IS THERE ANY BEER?

YOU'RE NOT HAVING ANY BEER
TILL AFTER THE CHRISTENING.

IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE A CELEBRATION,
NOT A FAMINE.

DAISY, I REALLY
NEED A BEER

ON ACCOUNT THAT YOUR HYACINTH
WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

YOU'RE RIGHT,
WE'LL BOTH HAVE A BEER.

YOU'D THINK ONSLOW WOULD'VE
MADE A LITTLE EFFORT

AND TIDIED UP
FOR THE CHRISTENING.

I THINK THAT WOULD'VE
QUALIFIED AS A BIG EFFORT.

I'LL PARK AT THE END.

IS YOUR FATHER GOING?
IS HE WELL ENOUGH?

THAT'S WHAT I INTEND
TO FIND OUT.

I SHOULD DO.
IT COULD BE TRICKY.

THERE'S NO NEED
TO SPEAK LIKE THAT

ABOUT DADDY'S
PROBLEMS.

I ONLY MEANT
IT MIGHT BE SAFER
IF YOU LEFT HIM AT HOME.

DADDY IS NOT
SOME KIND OF MONSTER.

HE'S JUST
A TOUCH SENILE

IN THE NICEST
POSSIBLE WAY.

LEAVE IT.

( barking )

I COULD'VE SWORN
I HAD A SET OF THESE.

ONLSOW'S MOM
WON THEM AT BINGO.

PLEASE DON'T BOTHER
ON OUR ACCOUNT, DAISY.

OH, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
A DRINK WITH US.

ONSLOW'S BOUGHT
SOME SHERRY.

ONSLOW?
BOUGHT SHERRY?

I HAD TO SNEAK IT OUT
UNDER MY VEST.

VERY DEMEANING
TO YOUR MACHO IMAGE.

I FELT LIKE A MAN
WHO'D JUST HAD A VASECTOMY.

DID I SEE ONSLOW
WEARING A TIE?

OF COURSE HE'S
WEARING A TIE.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S
GOING TO NOT WEAR A TIE AT HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER'S CHRISTENING?

HE DIDN'T WEAR A TIE
AT HIS DAUGHTER'S
CHRISTENING.

I DON'T THINK WE COULD
AFFORD ONE THEN.

I'M GLAD ONSLOW'S
COME ON SO WELL, SINCE.

HAVE YOU GOT
THEM GLASSES YET?

- THERE'S NOT A FULL SET.
- WHICH REMINDS ME,
IS YOUR FATHER GOING?

OF COURSE HE'S GOING.

MRS. MIDGELY'S UPSTAIRS
GETTING HIM READY.

- MRS. MIDGELY?
- OH, SHE'S USED TO HIM.

SHE POPS IN TO KEEP
AN EYE ON HIM WHEN WE'RE OUT.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, REG?
DON'T LIE TO ME,

YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER WOMAN.

I TOLD YOU--

Rose:
WELL, I HOPE SHE'S A VERY
UNDERSTANDING PERSON.

SHE'S GOING
TO HAVE TO BE

WHEN SHE SEES WHERE YOU'VE
GOT MY NAME TATTOOED.

IT'S TOO LATE, REG,

I'M GOING WITH DENNIS.

WELL, IF YOU'RE NEVER IN
AND YOU WON'T ANSWER
YOUR TELEPHONE--

DENNIS MEANS
NOTHING TO ME.

IT'S JUST A QUESTION
OF A LADY NEEDING

AN ESCORT FOR THESE
SOCIAL FUNCTIONS.

I WILL NOT GO THROUGH
A CHRISTENING

WITHOUT A MALE ESCORT!

NO, OF COURSE
I DON'T LOVE DENNIS.

YOU KNOW I DON'T LOVE DENNIS,
HE'S A PISCES.

THAT IN, YOU RUDE OLD MAN!

AND THIS TIME

ANY HANKY-PANKY!

- IT'S ALL RIGHT,

IT'S ONLY MY DAD
AND MRS. MIDGELY.

I WANT THIS
TO BE A HAPPY DAY.

I DON'T WANT
ANY TROUBLES

OR ANY QUARRELING.

IT'S MY DAUGHTER'S AND MY
DAUGHTER'S DAUGHTER'S DAY,

- AND I WANT IT
TO BE A NICE ONE.
- HEAR, HEAR.

THANK YOU, RICHARD.
AND SO...

I THINK WE OUGHT
TO BE UPSTANDING

AND HAVE A LITTLE
DRINK TO START.

TO OUR STEPHANIE,

AND THE NEW BABY.

OUR STEPHANIE.

WILL YOU WAIT
A MINUTE, ONSLOW?
I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET.

SORRY.

NOW I KNOW SOME OF US
MIGHT HAVE PREFERRED

IF OUR STEPHANIE HAD WAITED
UNTIL SHE GOT MARRIED,

DONE IS DONE

AND I WANT TO MAKE
THIS A HAPPY DAY.

AND THIS IS THE STUFF
THAT COULD DO IT.

- TO OUR STEPHANIE.
- All: OUR STEPHANIE.

- Daisy: AND THE NEW BABY.
- Hyacinth: AND THE BABY.

( all gagging and choking )

GOOD LORD!

( choking)
IT'S A BIT STRONG,
ISN'T IT?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THE SHERRY, ONSLOW?

IT WAS LIKE FAIRY PEE.

IT NEEDED SOMETHING.

WHAT TIME IS
STEPHANIE ARRIVING?

SHE'S DRIVING UP.
THEY'LL GO STRAIGHT
TO THE CHURCH.

THEY?

SHE'S BRINGING
THE FATHER.

WE TOLD HER
TO BRING THE FATHER.

WELL AT LEAST THAT'S
A STEP IN THE RIGHT
DIRECTION.

IT'S TIME
SOMEONE MET THE FATHER.

OH, AYE, WE SAID,
"BRING THE FATHER."

THAT'LL DO, DEAR.

OH! NOW YOU JUST STOP THAT!

DAISY, A QUIET WORD
WITH YOU, DEAR?

- WHATEVER YOU SAY, REG.
- AND YOU NOW, YOU'RE FINISHED.

GOODBYE.

WHAT'S WRONG, HYACINTH?
I GAVE YOU THE BEST
SHERRY GLASS.

NO, IT'S NOT
THE GLASS, DEAR.

NOW, WE'RE ALL DADDY'S
CHILDREN HERE.

- IT'S UP TO US TO DECIDE.
- DECIDE WHAT?

SHOULD IT BE REG
OR SHOULD IT BE DENNIS?

OH, NOW PAY ATTENTION,
WILL YOU, ROSE?

WE HAVE TO DECIDE,

IS DADDY GOING
TO THE CHRISTENING?

OF COURSE HE'S GOING
TO THE CHRISTENING.

MRS. MIDGELY'S UPSTAIRS
GETTING HIM READY.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
A LITTLE UNWISE TO INVOLVE
THE NEIGHBORS, DAISY?

OH, SHE'S VERY GOOD WITH HIM.
SHE'S MORE HIS OWN AGE.

WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER THEN,
IF WE LEFT HER HERE

TO LOOK AFTER HIM
UNTIL WE CAME BACK?

HE'S GOING
TO THE CHRISTENING!

HE WANTS TO GO
TO THE CHRISTENING!

EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO
TO THE CHRISTENING.

EVEN REG WANTS TO GO
TO THE CHRISTENING--

Hyacinth and Daisy:
OH, NEVER MIND ABOUT REG.

WHAT CONDITION
IS DAD IN?

WILL IT BE
TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO GO
TO THE CHRISTENING?

I DON'T SEE WHY.
ONLY HALF AN HOUR IN CHURCH,

THEN ROUND TO THE PUB
FOR A FEW SANDWICHES.

A PUBLIC HOUSE?

WE'VE GOT
A PRIVATE ROOM.

BUT IS DADDY
FIT ENOUGH?

( thuds )

YOU CHEEKY OLD DEVIL!

TO TURN YOUR BACK ON YOU.

HE SOUNDS FIT ENOUGH.

WE'LL GIVE ROSE A LIFT.

I'M NOT TAKING DADDY.

I'M NOT BEING
RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING
DADDY TO THE CHRISTENING.

HE'S BEING MOVED
AGAINST MY ADVICE.

AFTER YOU, RICHARD.

LADIES FIRST.

NORMALLY I WOULD AGREE,

BUT THIS TIME
YOU CAN GO FIRST.

HYACINTH,

SUPPOSE ALL THIS POWER
GOES TO MY HEAD?

JUST WALK
PAST THAT CAR

IN CASE THAT ANIMAL
IS IN THERE.

FOR SOME REASON,
THAT DOG ALWAYS BARKS
AT ME.

( barking )

I THINK THESE AFFAIRS
PUT FAR TOO MUCH STRESS

ON DADDY
IN HIS PRESENT CONDITION.

IT'S UNFAIR TO EXPOSE HIM
TO ALL THIS EXCITEMENT.

MAYBE HE LIKES
A BIT OF EXCITEMENT.

- WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
- I'M JUST SAYING--

I WON'T HAVE YOU
SPREADING RUMORS

THAT DADDY LIKES
EXCITEMENT.

IS THAT MRS. MIDGELY?

I EXPECT SHE'S
BEEN GOSSIPING.

BLOW THE HORN,
ROSE SHOULD BE HERE
BY NOW.

( horn blows )

SHE SAID
SHE'D BE READY.

I CAN SEE IT'S GOING
TO BE ONE OF THOSE
CHAOTIC AFFAIRS.

BLOW IT AGAIN,
DEAR.

- LET'S GET AWAY FROM HERE

BEFORE I'M SEEN BY ANYONE
WHO KNOWS ME SOCIALLY.

KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD, RICHARD.

STAY IN THE CAR FOR A MOMENT,
ROSE, THE VICAR'S COMING.

WELL, WE'RE ALL HERE
TO SEE THE VICAR.

I'M NOT AT ALL SURE
THAT SKIRT IS SUITABLE
FOR A VICAR.

AHHH.

AH, MRS. BUCKET.

"BOUQUET."

YES, OF COURSE,
"BOUQUET."

- HOW ARE YOU?
- BEARING UP--

OH!

- AND THIS IS?
- MY HUSBAND, RICHARD.

- YES, RICHARD.
- HOW ARE YOU, VICAR?

OH, HELL,
IT'S REG AND DENNIS.

- SHE'S WITH ME.
- SHE'S WITH ME.

STOP TUGGING
ME ABOUT.

- TELL HIM YOU'RE WITH ME.
- TELL HIM YOU'RE WITH ME!

WAS THAT YOUR SISTER?

SO MANY NICE HATS,

I DO HOPE THE ACID RAIN
HOLDS OFF.

MOTHER AND BABY
NOT ARRIVED YET?

NOT YET.

I MET STEPHANIE ONCE,
I REMEMBER.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO MEETING HER HUSBAND.

EXCUSE ME.

AREN'T WE ALL?

RICHARD,
WAIT HERE A MOMENT.

EXCUSE ME.
GOOD MORNING.

- MORNING.
- MORNING.

OH, I THINK IT MAY
HOLD OFF.

- MIND YOU, THE GARDENS
COULD DO WITH IT.
- OH--

I'M JUST CHECKING,
MY SISTER VIOLET
ISN'T HERE YET?

YOU'LL LIKE VIOLET.

I MAY HAVE MENTIONED VIOLET
AT THE BRING 'N' BUY.

SHE MARRIED THE TURF ACCOUNTANT.
THEY LIVE IN THAT BIG HOUSE

WITH THE SWIMMING POOL
AND SAUNA.

- DO THEY, REALLY?
- I CAN'T SAY I LIKE HIM.

HE HAS A TENDENCY
TO HANDLE YOU MORE
THAN NECESSARY.

SOME OF HIS JOKES
ARE A LITTLE OFF-COLOR,

BUT HE IS A ROTARIAN.
THAT GIVES VIOLET

ALL THE ADVANTAGES
OF A NEW MERCEDES

AND HER OWN CASH CARD.

RICHARD KEEPS PRESSING ME
TO HAVE MY OWN CASH CARD,

- DON'T YOU, DEAR?
- I DO?

- YES, YOU DO.
- YES, I DO.

I'M NEVER SURE HOW TO WORK
THOSE CASHPOINT THINGS.

- YOU JUST--
- I'D NEVER PUT A CARD OF MINE
IN ONE OF THOSE MACHINES.

YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO'S BEEN BEFORE.

- EXCUSE ME.
- YOU'LL LIKE VIOLET.

SHE HAS THE SORT
OF LIFESTYLE--

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I MUST JUST CHECK

THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER
IN THE FONT.

I THINK WE'LL
SURVIVE THE DAY BETTER
IF WE STICK WITH VIOLET.

SOMEONE HAS TO FLY
THE FLAG OF FINESSE.

I'D SOONER
BE WITH YOUR DAISY.
DAISY'S CHEERFUL.

SHE'S ALSO
MARRIED TO ONSLOW.

AT LEAST ONSLOW'S CHEERFUL.
VIOLET'S ALWAYS MOANING.

RICHARD,
THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEAK

ABOUT THE OWNER
OF A NEW MERCEDES.

- SHE'S SITTING WITH ME!
- SHE'S SITTING WITH ME!

WE'LL ALL
SIT TOGETHER.

I THINK WE'D BETTER
GO AND SEE WHO'S ARRIVING.

EXCUSE ME.
JUST LET ME THROUGH, PLEASE.

EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME, VICAR,

I WONDER IF YOU'VE SPOTTED
THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW MERCEDES.

- IT'LL BE MY SISTER.
- REALLY?

I'VE NOT SEEN ONE, NO.

MY SISTER VIOLET--
HE'S VERY BIG IN
RACING CIRCLES.

SPORT OF KINGS,
YOU KNOW.

HE ONCE SAW HER MAJESTY
PICKING AT A PRAWN COCKTAIL--

THROUGH BINOCULARS,
I ASSUME.

IT WAS AT KEMPTON PARK,
OF COURSE, NOT ASCOT.

OTHERWISE, SHE'D HAVE BEEN
ON THE SMOKED SALMON.

HE BUILT HER THAT BIG HOUSE
WITH THE SWIMMING POOL
AND SAUNA.

NOT THAT I THINK
ONE SHOULD GO IN
FOR A GREAT DEAL OF SHOW.

I HAVE THIS BIBLICAL CONVICTION
THAT SIMPLICITY IS BEST.

AH!

HERE'S GRANDFATHER
AND GRANDMOTHER NOW.

( backfires )

MADE IT, VICAR!

HELLO, ONSLOW,

AND DAISY.

YOU'VE STILL GOT THE OLD
BONESHAKER, I SEE.

AYE, AND THE CAR'S
AS BAD AS EVER.

THEY'RE VERY FAMILIAR
WITH THE VICAR.

Mrs. Midgely: OH!

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'M
SITTING IN A BACK SEAT
WITH HIM!

HANDS ALL OVER
THE PLACE.

POOR DADDY,

FIGHTING FOR AIR.
HIS BREATHING'S NOT
WHAT IT USED TO BE.

IT'S HEAVIER!
( laughs )

Rose:
WHAT TIME IS IT?

WHAT TIME WAS STEPHANIE
SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?

IN MY EXPERIENCE,
ARRANGEMENTS ALWAYS
GO WRONG.

WE CAN'T START
WITHOUT HER.

WHAT WE COULD DO
IS GO ACROSS TO THE PUB
AND WET THE BABY'S HEAD.

WE'LL STAY HERE.

OH! AH!

I WONDERED WHERE DAD
HAD GOT TO.

THERE'S BEEN A PHONE CALL.
YOUR DAUGHTER'S BROKEN DOWN.

BUT ONLY A COUPLE
OF MILES FROM HERE.

- I'LL FETCH HER.
- NO, IT NEEDS A RELIABLE CAR.

WHOO!

WHAT WAS THAT?

IF YOU'LL GIVE US
THE DIRECTIONS, VICAR.

Hyacinth:
I WISH MY FAMILY
WOULD LEAVE

THE ORGANIZATION
OF SOCIAL FUNCTIONS TO ME.

AFTER ALL,
I'VE HAD ALL THAT
EXPERIENCE

WITH MY CANDLELIGHT
SUPPERS.

THEY'RE DOING
THEIR BEST, HYACINTH.

THEIR BEST ISN'T
GOOD ENOUGH.

AT LEAST ONSLOW
WAS WEARING A TIE.

AND COULDN'T STOP
FIDDLING WITH IT.

AND LORD KNOWS WHAT DADDY
WAS FIDDLING WITH.

Richard:
AT LEAST IT'S
STOPPED RAINING.

FIVE MILES.

WE SHOULD HAVE
FOUND THEM BY NOW.

PERHAPS THEY GOT IT STARTED
AND GONE ON THEIR WAY.

WELL, THAT'S
VERY THOUGHTLESS.

TYPICAL LACK
OF CONSIDERATION.

LOOK AT THOSE TWO.

WHEN I THINK OF WHAT
DADDY HAD TO DO

IN THE WAR TO MAKE
THE WORLD SAFE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS
A DRIVER.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
EVERYTHING, DEAR.

IT WAS VERY
HUSH-HUSH.

OH.

HELLO?

IS THAT THE VICARAGE?

OH, THANK GOODNESS.

MMM?

THIS IS A VERY BAD LINE
FOR ECCLESIASTICAL PURPOSES.

COULD I SPEAK
TO YOUR HUSBAND?

MMM.

YES, I KNOW HE'S
GOT A CHRISTENING.
I'M AT THE CHRISTENING.

THE SMARTER END.

IT'S MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER
WHO HAS THE BABY.

MMM.

I'M HYACINTH "BOUQUET,"
YOU REMEMBER.

WE MET ONCE
AT AN INTERCHURCH--

MMM?
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE
GROANING ON THE LINE.

OH THAT'S BETTER.

WE MET ONCE
AT AN INTERCHURCH
BRING 'N' BUY.

YES. MY WHITE ELEPHANTS
CORNERED THE MARKET.

I'M RINGING
FROM A CALL BOX,

NOT FROM MY OWN WHITE
SLIMLINE DIGITAL TELEPHONE,

BECAUSE I'M STUCK OUT HERE
IN THE WILDS SOMEWHERE

LOOKING FOR THE MOTHER
AND CHILD.

THEY'VE BROKEN DOWN--
OR AT LEAST THEY HAD.

WE DON'T SEEM TO BE
ABLE TO FIND THEM. MMM.

I'M RINGING
TO INQUIRE

IF THEY HAVE
NOW ARRIVED,

AND IF NOT,
WOULD YOU PLEASE FIND SOMEONE

WHO COULD SUPPLY ME
WITH A DESCRIPTION
OF THEIR VEHICLE?

MMM.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL HOLD.

WHAT'S WRONG?

WE'VE PASSED THEM.

HOW CAN WE
HAVE PASSED THEM?

THOSE HIPPIES
WITH THE VAN.

OH, MY.

EXACTLY.

- THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
- SAVED OUR LIVES, MAN.

Hyacinth:
NOW JUST A MINUTE!
BEFORE YOU TAKE--

YOU SAVED OUR LIVES.
WE'RE GOING TO A CHRISTENING.

WE KNOW.

UNCLE RICHARD.

- AUNT HYACINTH.
- HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?

I'M FINE,
AUNT HYACINTH.

IT'S JUST THE VAN.
THE BATTERY'S FLAT.

- MOVE UP THEN, CAN'T YOU?
- SHE CAN'T.

RICHARD, THIS IS
OUT OF THE QUESTION.

( crying )

RIGHT.
LET'S START COOKING, MAN.

( engine rumbles )

PSST!

- WHICH ONE IS THE FATHER?
- I DON'T KNOW.

IT MUST BE
THAT ONE.

I HOPE SO.

( baby crying )

LET ME HAVE A GO--

WITH THE VAN.

( bell tolls )

STOP FIDDLING
WITH YOUR TIE, ONSLOW.

I FEEL LIKE THE FIRST MAN
IN OUR FAMILY TO BE HANGED.

HERE'S OUR VIOLET.

JOCKEY BUSINESS
LOOKS GOOD.

HE GETS MOST
OF YOUR MONEY FOR A START.

( engine rumbles )

WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS THE FATHER?

Both: I AM.

- ME.
- I AM.

- I ASKED HER, SHE TOLD ME.
- WHAT NOW?

THEY'RE ARGUING
WHICH ONE IS THE FATHER.

WHICH ONE IS
THE FATHER?

( engine starts )

DID THEY TELL YOU
WHICH ONE'S THE FATHER?

NEVER MIND.

IT'S TIME
WE WERE GOING.

( engine rumbles )

( bell tolls )

- IT'S OUR STEPH!
- ABOUT TIME.

I WILL NOT BE FILMED EMERGING
FROM A HIPPY CARAVANETTE.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR CAR?

RICHARD WORE IT OUT.

Richard:
THAT'S HARDLY FAIR.

Vicar:
IT'S A LOVELY BABY.

WHICH ONE'S THE FATHER?

LET'S GO INTO THE CHURCH,
SHALL WE?

RICHARD,
DON'T DALLY.

I'M HARDLY DALLYING,
HYACINTH.

IF WE GO IN FIRST,
WE CAN HIDE BEHIND
THE PILLAR.

IS IT THE TALL ONE?

WELL, AT LEAST
IT'S STOPPED RAINING.
TELL ME, VICAR...

( theme music playing )