Jonathan Creek (1997–2016): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Coonskin Cap - full transcript

At 5.35 a. m. On Monday 12th October,

staff nurse Gill Whitely had just finished
her late shift at Bracefield Hospital.

- See you later. Take care.
- Bye.

But as she returned to her car to drive home,

she could little have imagined
the living terror that lay before her.

- You stupid cow!
- No!

Didn't you see me flashing my lights?

- She blinked.
- You're kidding?

Right eyelid flickered just before the track in.

Pull the cut forward three frames. It'll be fine.

Nice little sequence,
but don't overdo the Dutch head.



Tricksy angles pall
very low among the over-29s.

Counting out of VT. Three, two, one...

- Cue and cut.
- Rose McLeary, 29,

dental receptionist
and mother of two, throttled to death,

then lashed to a tow bar by an unknown monster.

A savage and shocking murder

that comes only 48 hours
after the body of 30-year-old Iris West

was found on an industrial estate
where she'd been walking her dog.

Both women strangled with thin wire.

The only clue so far to the killer's identity,

the macabre shadow
of a man seen in the car park -

a man who according to witnesses
was wearing a Davy Crockett hat.

The camera loves her, doesn't it?

But you might want to rethink the lip gloss.
Multiple stranglings, I'd go for nut brown.



Clinique Number Two or Topaz Glow -
something more restful.

Superintendent Ted Parnevik,
two young women slain on their way home,

seemingly for sport, by what
can only be some kind of mental deviant.

Without wishing to cause alarm,
there must be a chance he'll strike again.

Obviously, I can't rule that out.

Try cramming right.
You might get a kick off that earring.

There. Yeah.

It just takes the eye to her.

In light of this, are there any special
measures we should be considering?

It seems to me there's one very simple
measure we may be overlooking, Carla.

That's a little thing called a noose.

- Right. Well...
- Social cleansing may be unfashionable,

but from where I'm standing,

40 years of slapped wrists haven't exactly
cleaned up the streets in this country.

- Quite. Although...
- And our old friends the cyanide pellet

and lethal injection
could teach us a thing or two here.

People talk about getting inside a criminal's mind.

Well, let me tell you.
2,000 volts up the spine'll take you there.

Superintendent, thank you very much
for coming along tonight

to help us to be your "Eyes & Ears".

Talk about a baptism of fire!

Which you handled with great maturity.

He could buy us another five ratings points.

See if we can get him back next week.

- Adam?
- Mmm.

- I thought we were going to the Ivy?
- Well... the Ivy was fully booked.

I've just come from there.
They said it was a slow night.

Really? Well. You know...

Oh, this is Velda, by the way, who, um...

I don't know if you recall a little charity raffle
I agreed to support in the summer -

Action on Osteoporosis.

First prize a magic night out with Adam Klaus.

Actually, it was second prize.
First prize was a tumble dryer.

So... Hey, you wanna sit down,
join us for a little chow?

Actually, we've got a bit
of a last-minute problem

with that surrealist painting
for the Dream Twister set.

We can't get clearance on the Magritte,

so Design have some alternatives
they think are you -

"The Great Masturbator" by Salvador Dali

or possibly "The Scream" by Munch.

- Maybe go with "The Scream".
- OK. I'll get on to that.

So, where's he taking you
afterwards, Velda? Stringfellows?

Stringfellows?! Oh, can we?

Don't keep her out too late, Adam.
I know what you're like.

See you in the morning.

So, that's Police Constable
Heather Davy, D-A-V-Y.

E- Y. And that's Police Sergeant.

Sergeant Davey.

How do you feel about retracing
this poor woman's final footsteps?

We're near where
she was found strangled to death.

- That must get to you.
- If we can jog just one person's memory

about something they saw
the night that Iris was murdered,

it'll be more than worthwhile.

Get down! Down!
Everybody get right back out of this street!

There! Neil, front entrance! Jim, cover the back!

Right!

Don't get up.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, thanks.

Missed by a mile.

Go on. It's yours.

Stay close to the building!

Well, what time is it now?

Just coming up to 11. Guys?

It's gonna have to be another
three feet upstage, at least.

Clear the hoist. Yeah, yeah. OK, then. Um...

12.30, Cannon Studios, Room 402.

I'll see you then.

OK. Bye.

Late one, Adam. Would you say?

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, God. Is the unit nurse in yet?

Well, get the unit pusher. It's urgent.

God, you look like death!

Stringfellows.

Boy, you just had to go and open your big mouth.

- What?
- Oh, will you close those tabs?

It feels like I'm staring in a mirror!

Don't tell me - the lovely Velda.

After she bit the head off a live lobster,
I thought we could only go up.

2 a. m., we get to the nightclub,

where she insists on showing everyone
the tattoo of Mr Bean on her stomach,

combing his hair with her appendectomy scar.

And that's just for starters.

I introduce her to Bryan Ferry.

She just stands there
giggling and picking her nose.

Then she starts picking his nose.

Then she comes over green
and dashes outside to the toilet.

Ten minutes later, I get a message saying
she's choked to death on her own vomit.

- Oh, don't!
- There's several large chunks of crustacean

lodged in her windpipe.

Kinda brings it home to you, I guess.

How important it is to chew your food.

That's a BAF...

- That's a BAFTA, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.

- That's an RTS?
- Mm-hmm.

- What was all that about?
- Sorry.

Previous life just flashed before me.
Not one I'd care to revisit,

for reasons I'll explain later.

OK. Shouldn't be more than 20. If Frank
can be standing by with that rough cut.

How are you doing, sir?
Brendan Baxter. Thanks for your time.

Carla Borrego is the new anchor in the studio.

Jonathan Creek, who I hope
can solve this little puzzle for us.

When you said a specialist investigator...

You know, six months ago,
a theatrical agent stuck behind a desk.

"Lift that bushel, prepare to be dazzled".

Actually, we know each other. The two of us...

...did work together
a while back... on another project.

- Right.
- No way?

Well, there you go. Small world.

OK, we've all read the papers.
We know why we're here.

Two women dead, one very nearly.
Big response to our appeals for information.

This week, we overtook "Crimewatch",
with a 52% share of the phone-in.

And "Eyes & Ears" does appeal
to a much younger demographic.

Kids can check out the latest
serial killing with you.

We don't patronise them with Radio 4 homilies.

Plus, we're not afraid
to do our share of detective work,

which I hope is where
you can assist us on this business.

OK. So, the key was still in the lock
when they broke down the door.

There was no way to get out without being seen,

despite which, it's been confirmed
the bullets they recovered,

which nearly took her head off,
were definitely fired

from that rifle left by the window.

Which I hope our two coppers
were careful not to touch?

Well, obviously.
Till it had been dusted for fingerprints.

That's probably
where they made their big mistake.

Sorry, can I just take that?

- Speaking. Oh, hi...
- So, how've you been?

Why didn't you return my calls.
I must have left a dozen messages.

I've been fine, thank you.
And if you want to know,

I'm now a happily married woman.

Yeah?

Oh, please. Not an actor.

To a very successful businessman.

Yeah. Still here...

So, see you tomorrow, then...

at the scene of the crime.

I may see you
on Wednesday, depending on this. OK.

Great.

Maybe I should've mentioned it.
I don't know, but...

What's weird is it was actually going quite well.

- Hmm...
- Until this one night. Like an idiot,

I took him to meet Mum and Dad and...

I couldn't believe it.

He just came out with this really
offensive remark about my father...

- No?
... that was so uncalled for.

Suddenly, I saw what he was really like.

It was such an eye-opener.

Don't worry. I will put it all behind me
for the sake of the show, so...

Is that a promise? Great.

OK, Jim. I'll call you Tuesday
when we'll have more news.

Yeah. Yeah. Bye.

Sorry, sweetheart. Did you...?

Night-night.

Er, if you don't mind.
It's very bad for my calf leather.

What?

That drainpipe. You wouldn't have
to be Spider-Man to shin down.

No, just the Invisible Man when
there are a dozen people down here watching.

I didn't have to trek out here today.

- Your husband wanted to rope me in.
- Absolutely. I should hope it wasn't me.

And stop giving me those dry,
cynical looks all the time!

- Dry, cynical looks?
- The ones that say,

"Since when are you a TV presenter?"

I actually spent three years
on a regional magazine programme

after my media studies course, so...

And Brendan said the camera loves me.

Maybe you should have married the camera.

What you have there is a shoulder squeezer.
That's only one up from red braces.

Don't think I didn't clock it, what was
going through your grubby brain yesterday.

When he said
I was the new anchor, you were thinking,

"What happened to the old wanker?"
Is that meant to be funny? It's pathetic.

- Perhaps we should just get on with this.
- No problem.

I presume you'll want
to inspect that room up there?

Not especially.

Fine.

I'll just go on my own, then.

Carla Borrego, "Eyes & Ears".

All right. You want me to say it.
I'm still none the wiser.

You were looking
for your evidence in the wrong building.

The key to the vanishing marksman
was in the abandoned warehouse opposite.

It's no big deal to lock the door,
then climb out the window, leaving the rifle...

hours before anyone got here.

The tricky bit was getting bullets to explode
just as our policewoman was passing.

Let's say he rigs up some charges
inside that building with some sticky,

waits till she appears,
then sets them off by remote control.

While everyone's in the room with the rifle,
he's in there removing the evidence.

He plants a couple of spent bullets
where they'll be easily found, then hops it.

And... if they'd felt the rifle,
it would have been cold.

So, he never wanted to kill her,
just scare off the police?

There have to be
much simpler ways of doing that.

I've got a very queasy feeling this could
be part of something a lot more sinister...

and we won't find out what until it's too late.

He'll be back soon. Can I get you a coffee?

Thanks. We'll just wait.

Best if I do the talking. He's not exactly cuddly.

Yes. I saw the interview.

Had some rather innovative ideas
about modern policing.

Thought you did very well to head him off
before he got onto Chinese water torture.

- What are you doing?!
- The police don't tell us anything.

It's a perfect opportunity.
Keep cavey by the door.

"Keep cavey"?!
What are we now? The Famous Five?

- He'll have you garrotted!
- Stop being so soggy and just...

Oh, my God! Is that like...
an airbag or something?!

Ah, good. The decompression valve
seems to have righted itself.

Excuse my passion for gadgetry...

but security here's notoriously unreliable.

I think it's as well to have a back-up.

Yes, we, um... Thanks.

I had some ideas about that gunman, actually,

we thought might interest you.

Just try and calm down, please.
Where was this exactly?

OK. We'll get someone there.
Give me your name and addr...

Hello? Great! Where's Blakey? If this
is a hoax, someone's going to pay for it!

I want three units armed
and dangerous at Horley College fast.

A student just saw a man
wearing a Davy Crockett hat.

Look, if you're not up for this...
I mean, after last time.

Are you kidding? This could
be seven rungs up the ladder.

If I nail Public Enemy Number One,
I could be out this uniform in weeks.

You know how you like me out of uniform.

Look, um...

This isn't the time...

and it's not the place, but...

We could be overreacting,

but if he wants more target practice,
we're ahead of the game.

Martin, take three men around the back.

- Yes, sir.
- Heather, check out the gym.

Brian, seal off these walkways.

He may have already got to her,
or this whole thing might be a nasty trap.

Who's there?

Police! Show yourself!

Shit! Shit!

Come in. Sergeant Davey to base.

- Heather, what's happening?
- I don't know.

Someone's on me, and I think...
I think he may be in here... in the gym.

God help us all.
Right! Get this place surrounded!

Somebody get a bloomin' key to this thing!

Heather!

Get back against the wall.

You hear me? Don't let him get behind you.

Heather!

Oh, Godl Nol

Godl You bastardl
You... You'll never get aw... I

Come on, man!

Heather!

Until last night, I just thought
we were looking for a lunatic.

Now I don't know if he's even human.

I was right outside that door while he was...

I couldn't do a thing to help her.

Ten seconds later, what?
He's slipped through a crack in the wall?

The whole thing is unreal.

So forgive me
if I don't put my confidence in some...

mop-haired magic geek.

To lose a colleague like that
has to be absolutely the worst thing,

though would I be wrong in thinking
she was more than just a colleague?

It's not something you go public on.

I'm sure you'll appreciate the... delicate dynamics.

If people are looking for tacky explanations
about how she got her stripes,

you can bet they'll find them.

I'm afraid that was her misfortune -
to fall in love with a senior officer.

Her misfortune... and mine.

Sorry, Superintendent. That recording.

- Could we run it one more time?
- Certainly.

Oh, my Godl Nol

Godl You bastardl
You... You'll never get aw... I

What?

- Oh, my Godl Nol
- I dunno. Was that...?

- It sounds like a bee. Can you hear that?
- What do we make of that?

Lab just found some tiny traces
of blood on her flak jacket, on the collar.

- Where the wire cut into her skin?
- You'd think so,

except the blood didn't belong to Heather.

Heather...

Oh, my God!

Heather Davey, Rose McLeary, Iris West.

Heather, Rose, Iris.

And the fact that all three
victims' names have a floral connection

throws up a chilling new question for those
trying to build up a picture of the killer.

Is this man, who stalks his prey
wearing an American frontiersman fur hat,

deliberately setting out in some
twisted symbolic way to deflower women?

Is he asserting the brutal hunting instinct...?

Tonight, a sense of terror
has gripped the capital,

a capital where danger now lurks
in every shadow.

And as a terrified nation asks what kind
of fiend can strangle a young policewoman

then evaporate into thin air,

we call in a man who may
be able to provide the answer.

If you have any information...

OK, Gary. If there's anything you're not
clear about, just ask our stage manager.

Okey-dokey.

Am I seeing things? That's not who I think he is?

You know, according to Coral,
who does our audience research,

that little episode the other night
tested surprisingly well in our exit poll.

73% found his appearance risqu? but fun,

giving the show its highest
appreciation indices for five years.

- Plus, while he was on stage...
- A barely significant 4.5%

spotted the hidden mechanism behind the couch.

Making it a perfect piece
of theatrical misdirection.

Great. I'm talking to Captain Queeg now.

Some nutter streaks across the stage,
now you've signed him up to do it every night?!

I'm sorry. This is totally unacceptable.

Sadly, Jonathan,
Your views on this matter are redundant.

Now, if you excuse me,
I have more delicate affairs to attend to.

As a mark of respect
to our dear departed lady of the lobsters,

I expect to see you by my side
at the crematorium on Sunday. 10 a. m. Sharp.

So, incidentally, are they any closer
to catching that guy out there?

After what they were saying on the box,
obviously I've been catatonic with worry.

Yes, well...

I think you'll find coral
is actually an animal, so...

You...? Oh.

You angel! Emily, you hear that?

I'm not a plant, I'm an animal!

So, do you want the good news
or the even better news?

Wednesday's overnight - 8.9 on a 42 share.

This third killing has put us through the roof.

Plus, I'm two pounds down
on last weekend. So, here's to success.

Jonathan, I thought we'd run
your solution to the shooting on Monday.

- That will be a big water-cooler moment.
- It's not a solution, Brendan.

At this stage, it's no more than a hypothesis.

You've got a psycho out there
picking off young women

for reasons that may ultimately defeat us all.

I'm getting uncomfortable
with all this five-and-dime profiling.

It's trivialising a very nasty business.

Which is where you come in,
to add a more academic curve.

The nation is poised to hear you explain
how he got out of the gym like a ghost.

So, no pressure, then?

Is the mackerel low sodium?
I have an elevated diastole.

Pain to be always watching
the blood pressure, but at my age...

- If it's lightly steamed, that'll be fab.
- Oh, here we go again, that look.

I dunno. Blood pressure... Something just
leapt across a synapse, just to annoy me.

That speck on her collar.
If it wasn't hers, where did it come from?

Careful. Don't crowd him.

Remember you're dealing with a level
of intuitive genius we'll never understand.

God! He certainly
picks his moments, doesn't he?

No, best if I come straight over.
We'll bounce it around. Bye.

Sorry, guys. I have to love you
and leave you. We'll catch up tomorrow.

I suppose you want a lift somewhere.

Carla Borrego, right?

Look, I can't talk here. It's too dangerous.

If you want some information,
come to my place tonight.

But you must come alone. OK?

Promise. You come alone.

Voyeuristic? Where do you get that from?

It's a public service, and this woman proves it.

She's obviously far too scared
to go to the police.

Everything's about numbers now.
Does he know how witless that sounds?

"How was it for you, darling?"
"It must be OK -

"it appeals to a young demographic. "

So did the Hitler Youth.
It's worse than voyeuristic.

It's irresponsible. Every woman in London
named after a flower is afraid to go out.

"Daisy Chain Killer"! What are you like?

Look, why don't you admit
what this is really about?

You just can't deal
with the fact that I chucked you!

To think I introduced you to my parents.
What a narrow escape that was.

After what you said about my father,
I shouldn't be speaking to you.

What are you talking about?

I was on my best behaviour that day.

I remember I got hiccups just as were leaving.

Look, I was there, remember?
I know what you said.

Now, I wonder what this'll be.

Perhaps she knows someone
who owns one of those hats.

There's something very odd
about all that coonskin cap business.

It makes you wonder
if that was what they actually saw.

Anyway, I don't imagine
there'll be any call for your services,

so if you can just bear to wait.

Hello?

Oh, my God!

That's all I can say.

This is what frightens me more than anything -

when you just can't find a way in.

Clearly, there's some kind of powerful
psychotic charge being derived,

but they're not out of any textbook.

Her husband's been away
looking after his mother who's ill,

so... I don't know.

You can talk about
being marginalized, cries for attention,

but the truth is, Moira Jane Rowe defeats me.

What about MO? Will she share
the secret of that gymnasium stunt with us?

Strangely evasive on that one.

All she says is, "You'll have to fit it together. "

So, as serial killers go,
not exactly archetypal, would you say?

'Cause real life can be very badly written.

The idea that a young woman kills
other young women because she likes it

is a psychoanalyst's nightmare.

And inconveniently for the tabloid criminologists,

there was no pattern of any kind
or tidy back-story to explain why she did it.

All right. But it still leaves us with
a disappearing act that has to be explained.

I haven't heard any wise words
from you lately on that subject.

I keep coming back to that vaulting horse,
but I've probably seen too many P-o-W films.

It was the first place they looked.

Our best shot's got to be that recording.

What did she say?
"You bastard. You'll never get away. "

The place was clearly airtight.

She knew that. So why do I feel
that it was a strange choice of words?

She was choking to death,
which can cloud the judgement.

Just can't unlock it.

You go home and try wiggling your key,
and I'll check in with you tomorrow.

Not that I want
to crowd your intuitive genius,

but we do have this production deadline.

Excuse me.

Frankly, I wouldn't board a dog
in this room. Where can I take a nap?

It's a joke. Also, this bread's stale.

And I think you'll find
I asked for sun-dried tomatoes.

And can we keep the corridors clear tonight?

Explain to that dimwit with the choc ices
that I'm actually part of this production.

- And what can we do for you?
- Stick your head in there while I flush.

You don't talk to people like that. Now, bugger off.

- Who the hell are you?
- The man who's telling you to bugger off!

Come on! As from now,
your showbiz career is over.

People come to the Adam Klaus magic show,
they do not expect to see a dick onstage.

I rephrase that.
Full-frontal nudity is not admissible.

Now, hop it!

You have no authority. I'm integral to that trick.

We'll re-cast. Jan will set up some auditions.

How can you have a streaker's dressing room?
That's an oxymoron, surely?

- I can make trouble. Don't think I won't.
- Now you're scaring me.

- Get his clothes.
- Big trouble! A poxymoron yourself!

Sorry to interrupt one of your slanging matches,

knowing how much
you relish the use of coarse language.

You're never going to let it rest,
this business with your father.

Tell me what I'm supposed
to have said to upset you.

Just because he was sounding off about
the trade unions, that's just his generation.

And? All I remember saying
was he seems like a bit of a prick...

...ly gentleman.

I did have hiccups,
so he might have misheard me.

Oh, right. Really

You've had a week to think that one up.

It's not my fault you only heard half...

Heard the first half... Shit.

- Which means if she was actually talking...
- Now what?

Hello?

You look at this painting, what do you see?

- Well, obviously a person screaming.
- Obviously. It's called "The Scream".

But it could equally be about something else...

...a person hearing a scream,

which is what
many art historians now believe,

based on the original title, "Despair",

and the fact that that landscape
was said to contain a lunatic asylum.

You're telling me this because...?

Sometimes, if you just flip your perspective,
you get a different idea of what's going on.

We play that RT back, what do we assume?

That Parnevik is overhearing the victim's
final words to the person strangling her.

- As opposed to?
- As opposed to...

...something even more worrying
that hardly bears thinking about.

Suddenly, that buzzing starts
to make sense, and the specks of blood.

Why didn't we see that before?

What's the most common explanation
you can think of for blood on a collar?

I don't know.
Someone cutting someone's throat?

That's very common, is it, down your road?

Think more about someone
cutting their own throat.

Jonathan, stop making my brain ache.
What are you driving at?

Obviously, this is long-term pre-record.

For reasons of sub judice,
none of this can go out until after the trial...

There you go.

This gymnasium in the ultra-modern PE block
at Horley College of Further Education

might seem an unlikely venue
for a classic locked-room murder,

but it was here on a freezing night in October

that Police Sergeant Heather Davey
was impossibly strangled to death

while responding to a sighting
of the so-called Daisy Chain Killer.

Today, as "Eyes & Ears"prepares to shed
sensational new light on that tragic event,

we welcome back Superintendent Ted Parnevik,

who hopefully will comment on our findings,

and our own mystery consultant
Jonathan Creek,

whose flair for the intricacies
of stage magic has led him, finally,

to the solution
of this bizarre and rather ingenious trick,

though there was
very little in the way of key data.

We can all see it's a bit of a fortress - single door,

locked and under constant observation,
and only one witness to what really happened,

the victim herself.

Godl You bastardl
You... You'll never get aw... I

- From which, two things struck you.
- A slight buzzing in the background

and the words, "You bastard.
You'll never get away. "

It's only since we found out the identity
of this serial killer, it's started to jar.

A woman might
sometimes call another woman a bastard,

but I started thinking,
if you turn that moment on its head,

and the Superintendent isn't overhearing her
talking to an unknown killer at all...

he knows exactly who she's talking to in there.

She's talking to him.

From there, it isn't hard
to imagine her more likely response -

"You'll never get away WITH THIS" -

cut off before she could finish.

Excuse me. I hope nobody's
taking any of this seriously!

- Have you any idea...?
- As I said, your response when we're done.

Then, of course, something about
that shooting in the street bothered you.

I wondered why someone
who'd previously strangled his victims

would suddenly start toting a gun,

unless this was the work
of someone else with another agenda entirely,

someone who'd decided to use these serial
killings to mask a murder of their own.

Moira Rowe's only comment
on what happened here,

"You'll have to fit it together. "

There's evidence she may have trouble
mentally separating this crime from her own.

That or she just didn't choose to cooperate.

The more I thought about it,
I could see only one possible reason

to introduce the threat of gunfire.

Recovered from your car this morning,
and the key to how Heather Davey was murdered.

Of course, your passion for gadgetry was
already well-known to us, Superintendent,

except what we have here is rather
more lethal than an airbag in a desk.

The prototype for which,
I realised, was in my drawer at home.

Anyone who's used one of these home blood
pressure monitors knows how tight they get.

Buzzing sound familiar?

We can imagine what something like this
would feel like applied to your chest.

A couple of concealed panels
inside the lining which, when activated,

gradually inflate and lock together.

Ready for this?

So, with the victim trapped inside,

a piece of life-saving body armour
becomes an instrument of death.

Unable to breathe, to all intents
and purposes, she's been strangled.

Too late,
she realised what was happening to her

and who was responsible.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

No!

God!

You b...! You bastard! You...

You'll never get...! You'll never get aw...!

You couldn't leave a customised
flak jacket around for inspection,

so at some point, there had to be switch.

Blood on the collar
told us it was worn by a man,

who'd at some point cut himself shaving.

So how did we do?

In a breathtaking abuse of police manpower,

you engineered the murder
of a woman you claimed to love.

Regular viewers will be familiar
with your views on crime and punishment,

so I'm sure you'll argue just cause.

Never underestimate
the power of pride, Miss Borrego.

It drives nations to war...

...corrupts far stronger men than me.

I was no more than a tool to her,
in every sense of the word.

I had no place in her heart.

Life was a ladder.

I helped her climb it.

As long as she lived,

she knew she could control me.

In the end, I had no choice.

Isn't that sweet?

- Let me.
- Tonight, maybe, when we get back...

Can't it wait?

What if you don't come back tonight?

You don't always.

Only when it suits you, it seems.

I'm lucky if I see you one night in seven.

Well, you know...
One night in seven, don't knock it.

That should be more
than enough for a man your age.

We're not joined at the hip, Ted.

You give me a helping hand...

and I give you a helping hand,

so don't be greedy, OK?

Heather...

Oh, careful! You trying to strangle me?

Do you think I want
this cheap tat around my throat?

For God's sake, Ted, get a grip on yourself.

Well, you can always argue, can't you -

which one's more to blame,
the prostitute or her client?

Yes.

Right.

Fine work, Mr Creek.

Very fine indeed.

- When this goes out on air...
- Big water-cooler moment?

Depend on it. And the two of you on screen...

- The camera loved us?
- Carla Borrego and Jonathan Creek...

I think we're looking at a very strong combo.

Velda Bessie Winstanley
was a woman of great charm and energy,

with an appetite for life as big as her personality.

Today, as the circumstances of her death
remain tragically imprinted on our minds,

I'm sure we all wish to honour her memory
with a deep sense of pride and respect,

and above all, dignity.

Ooh! Oh!