Jonathan Creek (1997–2016): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Three Gamblers - full transcript

You think he's here yet?

No sign of life. No car or anything.

Geiger's not human. Probably turned
himself into a bat and flew here.

That's not funny, Joe.
In a place like this.

Come on.

You ignored my instructions
about coming alone.

Me and Karen are in this together. So
if you've got a problem with that...

If I've got a problem, Floyd...

I'll find a solution.

But now she's here...

maybe she can warm us all up.



We're out of coal.
You'll have to improvise.

You hit the island, the first thing
you do is ring a man named Cordila...

on this number.

When you get back with the stuff,
you ring me to say everything's fine.

I'll call our friend in Amsterdam and send
someone over to make sure it's all pukka.

The handover will take place here, and
that's when you'll get your pocket money.

Questions?

No. I was just thinking...

if we had the big money man's number,
we could ring him. Save you the bother.

You'll need that sense of humour when
I decorate the ceiling with your brains.

Get your hands off her.

That's OK, Floyd. It was a strictly
hands-free operation I had in mind.

Hey, listen, Frankie. Steady.

You want to cut out the
middle man? Go over my head?



- Come on.
- Maybe I'll go over your head.

Maybe I'll go right through
your greedy little skull.

What are you doing?

No one's gonna find him here.

It's what you said.

The guy wasn't human.

Let's get the hell out of here.

"Cards As Weapons". You star.
Where did you track this down?

I actually had to trudge round
every bookshop in New York.

This guy does a two-hour show,
nothing but card manipulation.

He makes them fly around, chop
candles in half. It's riveting.

See this, Adam? Ricky Jay.

Let me add to the birthday honours with
a little token to make your day complete.

A set of Adam Klaus bathroom products.

Merchandising must be
tasteful, not tacky.

- You've got your magic foaming crystals.
- Flannel for my face.

- Anywhere you want to go. My treat.
- Really?

Ladies and gentlemen,
back at the Trick Joint,

put your hands together, please,
and pray for Lizzie Gillespie!

Thank you!

I'd like to try something
different tonight.

Who's going to help me? Sir?

I'd like you to pick
one of these at random.

Peel it, show the
audience. Don't let me see.

And put it back again any way you like.

How much would it blow your
mind if I was to show you

it has completely vanished!

Now put your hand in your left pocket
and place any loose change on the table.

Tell me, sir, is that your banana?

Is it bollocks! Now put your
hand in your right pocket.

That's it. And open it.

Thank you. You may now applaud!

What kind of dumb-ass act was that?

I've seen horse shit that
was less full of horse shit.

It's called "subverting the form.
" It's what keeps culture alive.

With all the rubbish, you
can get fresh, exciting ideas.

There's nothing funny about cold fingers.
They need some heating in this place.

There's nothing irregular? The dolly
has not been interfered with in any way?

All right! What if I
did? She was hot for it.

Now we place the doll inside the casket.

And when I take my hand off the box,

I want you please to
cleave it cleanly in two.

Not the hand, the box, you
cretin! Quick, the tourniquet!

For God's sake, out of the way.
Help me get her on her back.

- No. You could paralyse her for life.
- She's probably just fainted.

She's not exactly underweight. It's
cardiovascular. Her face is blue.

- In the blue light! I'm turning her over.
- Now she's a cabbage.

- Do you know how to do this?
- Firm pressure on the breast bone.

- You don't press it there, press here...
- Yes! All right, thank you!

We've established the
cantaloupe's fresh.

I wouldn't last five minutes
with you lot faffing round me.

- Great. So you were just...
- Trying to scare the shit out of everyone?

Hysterical, wasn't it?

Sorry. I've had my fill
of this lot tonight.

Back to my place to
blow out your candles?

There's a couple more acts I wouldn't
mind seeing. If you two want to split...

OK. Come back whenever.
I'll still be up.

And while you're giving me a lift, explain
what you meant by "not exactly underweight. "

- You Jonathan Creek?
- Sorry?

My name's Karen Blaine. I can't talk
here. Could you spare me five minutes?

If this is a murder, you
should talk to the police.

The police were there.
They saw it. We all saw it.

I never want to see
anything like it again.

It's like Joe was
right. He wasn't human.

So what the hell was he?

OK. Order of events.

I was working in this pub as a barmaid

and that's where I met him.

Floyd Goodman. He'd been a professional
boxer, but it hadn't worked out.

Wasn't much in his life had worked
out. The two of us just seemed to click.

Three of them used to go to
this betting shop next door.

Floyd, this other guy Joe...

and Geiger,

who you just knew was pure evil.

It turned out he had these
connections - drug dealers -

who needed some innocent-looking tourists
to fly to Haiti and bring some stuff back.

How he found that place, God only knows.

This derelict old farmhouse that...

we could feel something
horrible was going to happen.

Of course, Joe had never
trusted Geiger. Who would?

But now he had his
book with the numbers.

Once we got back, he was going to deal with them direct
- the big boys on the continent.

Except he never got back.

The police must have had a tip-off.

Go! Go!

Floyd and me managed to get clear.

For a couple of months, we went to
ground, till it was safe to move.

That's when the rut set in with Floyd.

It only took a couple of locals filling
his head with voodoo and witchcraft stuff...

to convince him that Joe's death was
Geiger's revenge from beyond the grave.

And that he was next.

It just totally seemed
to turn his brain.

By the time we got back last week,
he'd decided it was all a mistake.

He was going to go to the
police and hope for the best.

I said of course I'd
stick by him, but...

if I'd known what it
was going to lead to.

To check our story, they
took us back to Frog Hollow.

This is exactly how you
left it three months ago?

I locked the door...

threw the key in the river.

Aagh!

When Geiger went in
that cellar, he was dead.

With six bullets in his
head and no heartbeat.

The room was empty. There's no
way that door had been opened.

How can a corpse crawl
up a flight of steps?

- If that's it, I'll be getting back...
- Please! I can prove this is on the level.

They've remanded Floyd in custody,
me on bail, for what happened.

He's halfway to losing
his mind over this.

Geiger's spirit's still
out there. He's convinced.

Undead. Like some kind of zombie.

And he's going to come for him.

I heard you were someone who could...

Go on, then. Piss off. I
should never have troubled you.

I know you're still up.
What's this all about?

Are you going to open this
door? I know you can hear me...

What have we here?

Shortlisted for Best Male TV
Illusionist. Grovesnor House on the 23rd.

Amazing. You wouldn't
think that was possible.

Same as a hurricane driving
a blade of grass into a tree.

Shortlisted. Maybe they
haven't made a decision.

Use it for your after-dinners.
It's in the wrist action.

With my luck, I'd
take a few toupees off.

Talking of wrist action,
Jonathan Ross called.

I agreed to do his talk show at
a drunken Bar Mitzvah last week.

I wonder if I should cancel. The guy's
so hip and subtextual with the audience.

Last time he said two words and
the whole place fell about laughing.

"Nice suit", wasn't it?

Right. Was is that? Some sort of code?

But make a good impression and the
Magic Awards people might be watching.

That's right. And you know what
carries weight with those guys?

.. My extensive charity work.

It's not something I like
to do a big number on.

- No problem.
- Don't get me wrong.

I'm not trying to
dictate Jonathan's agenda.

I just happen to believe - would
this were true of all my peers -

that with success and
wealth comes responsibility.

Ultimately, virtue
can be its own reward.

Just a breakdown of my unpaid
appearances for the year.

For deep background, whatever.

Jonathan Creek.

At last!

I've been trying to get you all morning.

Assuming you saw me go off
with that woman, to explain.

I know. It was just me being a
complete arsehole again. Sorry.

Do you want me to come over?

I suppose I could be there for...

What is it now? 13.29 just gone.

- Half one?
- Great. That'd be...

You think I killed him. I
only killed a part of him.

The part you can see.

A guy like Geiger can't be destroyed.

We've seen what he can do.

- Even when he's dead.
- Floyd, pull yourself together.

I know that's hard because we're
all freaked out by this, but...

There's some people
here. Maybe if we just...

At night's the worst. When he tells
me what he's going to do to me.

To you, if I talk.

You don't want to know, Karen.

The vile things he says.

I wouldn't let him
harm you for anything.

You're the only thing keeping me sane.

I think you see our problem.

Not exactly. What did he mean about
what he'd do to him if he talked?

Talked about what?

Look, if you can explain to me
how a man who's certifiably dead,

whose brain is in 27
pieces inside his skull,

could have hauled
himself up those steps...

I don't deny it would
assist my digestion.

- I also have to look at the bigger picture.
- Which is?

Frank Geiger was the contact for a major
drug dealer operating out of Amsterdam.

Whose name and number were in that book.

Which has now gone missing.

The police in Haiti
couldn't find it on Wheeler.

Maybe he memorised the contents
and destroyed it. We don't know.

The one piece of evidence that would
have led us straight to our man.

But then, as we were driving out to this
haunted farmhouse or whatever it is...

it hits me.

One thing we're all forgetting. There
was another copy of that name and number.

The one that Wheeler wrote down and
Geiger grabbed back and put in his pocket.

Well... It had to still
be there, didn't it?

There's another riddle
to add to our collection.

Miss Blaine, could you
hand me that SOCO report?

Maybe someone managed to switch it.

For an exact duplicate that was blank?

Returning to your question.

Our friend downstairs is the one person
still alive who saw what was in the book.

Anything he can give us - a
name, half a name - is a start.

What's he going to tell you in his state?
You've seen the effect all this has had.

We're losing him. It's like
this power... whatever it is...

it's slowly starting to take over.

I'm just scared that
unless we do something...

we're not going to get him back.

Do you have a coin I can borrow?
Maybe in your right-hand jacket pocket?

I never thought I'd say this on TV. I
really didn't feel the banana going in.

How about the other one?

I see. You want me to unzip and
see if I recognise what's inside?

Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching
"George and Mildred" on UK Gold. There.

- You may applaud.
- But will they? Yes.

You're getting a
bit off-the-wall.

I like to "subvert
the form" now and then.

Yeah, with my actI

Adam, let me ask you
about the girlfriends.

There all seem to crop up in the act.
Is this like the Sorcerer's Apprentice?

You saw one in half
and she keeps dividing?

- Something like thatI
- OK.

Let me ask you about something you do take seriously
- charity work.

ScumbagI

You're involved in a
lot of deserving causes.

ShameI Shame on youI I can't believe
you can do that, you complete arseholeI

Just rip off someone's
material like thatI

This man could toss for
EnglandI He is such a phoneyI

You should all walk out in disgustI

I invite you to follow
me through this exit...

It's just one long endless merry-go-round
coming out with you in a car.

"Let's take a shortcut!"

The grass is more moist than I expected.

Moist?! We're driving through
the Great Grimpon Mire! What...?

What?

I was just thinking those pink
extensions really suit you.

Jelly baby?

We know from the post-mortem that Geiger
was dead when they chucked him down there,

but how do we know someone
hadn't got in using a second key,

moved the body and
barricaded the door again?

They had to break that thing into pieces to
get it out. That cupboard hadn't been moved.

- There was another way into the cellar.
- The police didn't even find a mouse hole.

Fine. Just checking it
is completely impossible.

That we didn't have a case that
was beneath your superhuman powers.

- He who knows absolutely everything.
- Is this still about that Witchdoctor song?

Jonathan, as far as I'm concerned, the
subject's closed. You're so cocksure.

Ooh eeh ooh ah ah bing bang
wallah wallah bing bang.

Ooh eeh ooh ah ah ding
dang wallah lollah don lang!

Don lang?! Don Lang was
the bloke who sang it?

In your dreams. That was Charlie Drake.

At no point in history did Charlie
Drake sing "My Friend the Witchdoctor".

He goes to see one because
his boomerang won't come back.

That was "My Boomerang Won't Come
Back"! There isn't a witchdoctor in it!

I wish we'd never got
onto the subject of voodoo.

You'd argue black was blue...

What?

What are you seeing?

I just thought there'd be some
sort of police presence here still.

Evidently not.

Come on.

How about if the writing on that
paper was done in special ink,

designed to fade before
anyone could see it?

The dead body was dragged up the steps by
some rope that was fed underneath the door.

The motive, obviously,

was to turn our ex-boxer into a gibbering
wreck so he'd be too scared to...

Just slow down.

Stop thinking with your mouth and
give your brain a chance to function.

How do you connect a rope to a
body through a cupboard and a door?

Why would Wheeler use disappearing ink?

If they wanted to keep Floyd quiet,
why not put a bullet in his brain?

You've got to clear your
mind of "obviouslys".

Let it all bed in.

And observe.

- What's that?
- Dunno.

Old cigarette card.

So... OK, then.

Into the bowels of hell.

See what they meant
about the stench of death.

That'll be me. I'm wearing Calvin Klein
"Stench of Death" parfum de toilette.

After you.

I'm not just saying this because
of the other night, but...

There's something about that
Karen woman keeps niggling at me.

It's like that thing you say -

you know you've spotted something wrong
but you can't work out what it was.

It'll come to me.

It doesn't half change your perspective
on all this when you get here.

Like spending the night
in the Chamber of Horrors.

You can see how you could
lose your grip on reality.

- Are you sitting on Sir Denis Compton?
- Fresh air's probably what we need.

No, it's all right. Here
he is. Hiding in the corner.

Are you taking leave of your senses?

- Possibly, but I haven't just eaten a slug.
- No, but...

Aagh! Oh!

Oh, God!

You bastard! How could
you let me do that?

What have you found over there anyway?

Quite enough to confirm we're not
dealing with zombies or witchcraft here.

In fact, this is as fascinating
a solution as I've ever come...

Aagh!

I'm just being dumb about this.

It was probably cut and dried weeks ago.

If you've won, you always know. Always.
I've heard that said many times...

Harry! How are you doing? Adam.

You pipped me to the post, you old rascal.
It couldn't have gone to a nicer guy.

The Magic Awards. Oh, you haven't?

That's the whisper that's been going
around, but you didn't hear it from me.

Anyway, just wanted you
to know I'm thrilled.

OK. Bye.

So it's not him.

Remember, left wrist under right to create
the slack, then spring the thumb knots open.

Louisa! What's happening? It's Adam.

Listen, don't bother him if he's busy.

Just give your husband a big wet kiss
from me and tell him I still love him.

Adam Klaus. You hadn't
heard? The Magic Awards.

A little bird tells me you'll
be drinking champagne on Sunday.

Well, you'd better believe it.

And no sour grapes. Just
say to him I'm thrilled.

OK. See you there. Bye.

Interesting.

Well, who knows? The theory may be
wrong. No one's been told anything.

Hi. Is that the very
wonderful Deborah Cadabara?

Fellow nominee Adam Klaus here
ringing to say congratulations...

You're welcome.

When did you hear? A
couple of weeks ago?

No, of course. Not
officially till the night.

I just wanted you to know... you know...

I'm thrilled.

OK. Bye.

Deborah Cadabara! They're giving
Best Male Illusionist to a drag act!

What he's got wouldn't
fill a Twinkie wrapper!

We were just saying it's funny there wasn't
someone here what with what's happened.

I've just been trying to radio
in, but my battery's flat.

No one's coming to relieve me till
five. Talk about feeling cut off.

Derek Spratley. This ain't a
place to come to for a picnic.

You've got international drug
barons operating out of here.

- There was a bloke in the cellar...
- We know.

- Brain had been mashed to a pulp.
- So we heard.

Six bullet holes in the head! Just stay
put, they said, and keep your eyes peeled.

Who knows what they've got stashed away,
and if they come back, we'll have them.

But I'm here if the cast of
"Goodfellas" suddenly turns up.

Yeah. Well...

We're not going to get far without
assistance now. Where's your phone?

Oh... Still in the car.

Sorry. I put it in the glove
compartment when we... Sorry.

So this might have been used as
more than just a meeting place?

There might be drugs
still on the premises?

Yeah. But they wouldn't risk
coming back for them now.

Not now the police are around. Depends
how desperate they are. You just don't...

Oh, dear God.

- How long ago did he call?
- A good two hours.

He'd seen this guy prowling
round, thought he was armed.

Maybe he's been sent by our Dutch friend
to do a final sweep of the premises,

remove anything that
shouldn't be there. Who knows?

Not the sort of man
you want to mess with.

OK. You want to go in
by some subtle means,

get her arse out and
yours, then leave it to us.

We're too late.

OK! Listen up out here!
Important things you should know.

I'm not a real policeman!

I'm also not a very nice person.

The people I work for
don't pay me to be nice.

Last count, I killed 11
people, and we can make it 12.

The decision's yours.

Or you can back off away from that jeep.

Get right back!

And watch me drive the hell out of here.

- Once I'm clear, I'll release her.
- How do we know that?

You're right. I may still kill her.
It's not much of a gamble, is it?

Shit.

What are you doing? Get up.

Get up! All right. No
sharp moves from anyone.

You, duffel coat.

Come on!

You're going for a ride.

Get ready to fire.

Keep your hands up.

Above your head where I can see them!

If you'd missed... I'd be dead.

I did. I was aiming for his balls.

What about Furry Lewis? Like his stuff?

"Catfish Blues" we could
do. We could open with that.

No, it's only three chords.

OK. I'll see you guys
there. Sunday at six. Yeah.

New career?

The rough tunes of a man from
the Mississippi Delta, Madeline.

Still does it to me every time.

Just as Woody Allen shuns
Hollywood on Oscars night

to play jazz in a humble New York pub,

so I shall be giving a wide berth to the
meaningless bunfight known as the British...

- .. Magic Awards.
- Absolutely. Who needs them?

Ah, the man of the moment.

That last little enquiry
seems to have locked it all up.

I think we can go back to
Detective Inspector Gallo.

OK. I'll get my coat. Was Adam
talking about the Magic Awards?

Yeah. I get the feeling
he knows he hasn't won.

On the contrary. He's getting
a Lifetime Achievement Award,

which is all very hush-hush, so
don't go blurting anything out to him.

Oh, thank you! As if.

Hey, did I leave a
bottleneck on that cervanti?

- Come again?
- A finger slide on that hidden shelf.

Oh. Right.

Got you.

OK.

It seems Mr Creek has managed to pull us
all back from the edge of insanity, so...

Floyd, are you hearing me?

- Karen?
- Didn't I say they'd sort this all out?

The problem here was that the demons
were in place before you'd even started.

You already think this guy's
out of "Hellraiser III" -

someone you can't write
off even when they're dead.

And if anyone was dead when you
sealed the cellar, it was Geiger.

So when you find his corpse at the top of
the steps, what else are you going to think?

There's got to be some
kind of force at work.

A force so evil and unholy,

it can not only cause a dead
man to rise up from the floor...

but three cigarette cards as well.

And a force which, for
reasons best known to itself,

can cause writing to miraculously
vanish from a piece of paper.

I think you must begin to see
now where all this is heading.

River bursting its banks -

an unstoppable tide that, by the
next day, had flooded the valley.

Flooded everything in its path.

Of course, you're talking about a cellar
that hadn't been watertight in years.

Week by week, the level
would have slowly dropped...

but Geiger didn't.

That's what took the ink off.
Water soaking through the paper.

You're on the level with all this?

When summer came, it all dried out
- not entirely, as we discovered.

Conditions can get pretty bad there,
but no one's ever around to find out.

Saving the odd hit man and drug dealer.

Frog Hollow served as their main
rendezvous point and storage facility.

And though we've got a nice
collection of dead underlings,

it's not taking us
any nearer the top man.

You saw his name that time. Nothing's
going to happen if you tell them.

It'll help his case.

Get you off, hopefully,
with a suspended.

Then it'll be like you
and me? Just like before.

OK. Well...

It was something like...

I know it began with an M.

Was it... Mondrian?

Nice happy ending all round,
would you say, Inspector?

Except what's he going to do,
do you think, when he finds out?

- What?
- That his girlfriend's a copper.

I'm not sure...

Who tipped off the police
when they were busted in Haiti?

By some miracle, they
escaped. I wonder how.

It was all part of the game plan to
come back here and nab the rest of them.

It wasn't until the last
minute I twigged what it was -

last time we were here
- that hadn't quite gelled.

Miss Blaine, hand me that SOCO report.

How many people know SOCO stands
for Scene Of Crime Officers?

It's like expecting me to know
what a magician's "cervanti" is.

And yet out of a dozen files there,
she went straight for it. I'm sorry.

All right. What do you want from me?
Moral indignation because she used him?

He lost most of his
brain cells in the ring.

Do you know how long she was on
Geiger's tail before he came along?

Undercover work isn't
just thrown together.

We've got police on three
continents trying to prise this open.

We're grateful to you for straightening
him out, so we could work with him.

And I don't doubt there'll
be tears before bedtime.

But if it means we get
some of the filth out there

who systematically
destroy people's lives...

I can live with it.

As I said before... the bigger picture.

I'm sorry I'm late. I got stuck
behind this idiot in a bus lane...

It was a bus actually.
What have I missed?

I haven't seen Adam coming in.

- He won't be here.
- What do you mean?

- He knows he hasn't won.
- In his category. There's the other.

- Oh, don't worry. I didn't breathe a word.
- You what?

As instructed. You swore me to secrecy.

Since when could you keep a secret?

The whole point of me telling you was
so you could leak it to him on the quiet.

It might have been handy if you'd
said that! Am I a mind reader now?

He told me he was going
to do a Woody Allen.

He plays jazz in a pub
instead of going to the Oscars.

He's going to get down to
playing some Delta blues.

You are winding me up?

Michael's Pub where Woody Allen plays
isn't a pub, it's a swanky nightclub.

Also... Oh, I give up.

So out of sheer pigheaded pride,

he's going to boycott the show
for a bit of cheap street cred?

Where in God's name
do you think he's...?

No. The image is too painful.

♪ Oh, I wish

♪ I was a catfish

♪ Swimming in, Lord, the deep blue sea

♪ And all you pretty... ♪

You all right, Jimmy?