Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 6 - Bringeth It On - full transcript

God suggests that Joan try out for cheer leading. Will looks for a mother who abandoned her baby in a dumpster. When leads point to Joan's high school, Helen is asked to copy and distribute a list of "bad girls" composed by the vice-principal and she gets involved as well. Meanwhile Luke stresses over whether his being attracted to a girl who's commonly thought to be a lesbian might mean that he's gay.

911. What is your emergency?

Somebody should go look in the dumpster behind Jake's auto repair. It's on third street. Go now!

So if the unknown substance doesn't bubble... then bac12 plus naho co3 indicates mgso4. Do not ask me what that is.

Epsom salt.

Great. Can we go?

Wasn't my idea to study on Saturday night.

Wow, the classic geek misdirect. Gee, I'd like to
hang out with you, but let's study instead

We're not hanging out.

We're not?

I was actually gonna go meet Friedman at the homecoming game. If you guys are done analyzing anions, you wanna come?

Uh, I think I got better things to do than watch a bunch of cheerleaders flash their panties at brain-dead jocks.

Yeah, and, um, me, too. I have a big party I have to go to, so...

I would go if Jane was going, but...

oh, Jane. Before you head out to that "big, big party," mom wants you to take out the recycling.

-== [ ] ==-

Be not afraid, Joan. Sorry. It's me.

"Be not afraid"?! What's with that?

Sometimes I like to sound old-timey. Listen, I want you to try out for the cheerleaders.

You mean at school?

I'm not asking you to join the Laker girls. Of course, you know, cheerleaders at high school.

Do you--do you realize that you're asking me to commit social suicide? Not only will I suck, which-- Which I will, but everybody will decide that I'm a pathetic fluff-head.

Tryouts are Monday.

I'm supposed to get this together by Monday?! Should I provide

my own pompoms? I don't even know what the school mascot is!

Oh yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about. Come on. Cheese that baby up.

Dad, seriously. Let's go. I'm late on the polenta.

You got the mushrooms?

In the sink.

You washed them?

They're fungus. They grow in dirt.

Have I taught you nothing?

It's not easy training a new apprentice, is it?

Hey, you're not off duty, pal. I need you to set the table.

I'm just gonna have mine in front of the game.

Who took my phone?

Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you. That big, big party called last night--

shut up. Did you take it?

Just grab a seat. We got breakfast in 8 minutes.

I'm not hungry. Unh! I'll get it.

Since when are you not hungry?

I ate last night.

Is this what you're looking for?

Awesome! Where was it?

In this special secret hiding place.

Hey, I thought you were sleeping in today.

I was, until all the yelling and crashing and sizzling, anyway.

I'll eat later.

Told Friedman I'd meet him at the park. We're gonna try out my new aerobie.

Just say Frisbee!

I meant pie plate with lame-ass drag.

Hey! Am I the only one noticing there's a meal about to be served here?

You can miss some of the game, the park will still be open in half an hour,
and you are going to defy convention and be a girl who eats. Now everybody sit!

I love it when you do that.

You're easy.

No! What do they need you for on a Sunday?!

Lieutenant Williams, what have we got?

I'm sorry to call you on a Sunday, chief. I mean, the way you and lieutenant Daghlian worked it.

You can call me for this. How's the baby?

The E.M.T.S are with her now. Officer Richards and Manzu

found her in here wrapped in paper towels.

Whoever made that 911 call didn't want her to die.

The call came from a pay phone on fourth.

But not enough to drop a newborn off at a hospital.

Ok, remember: It's all in the wrist.

Please. Stop coaching!

See? See? Superior lift. You're not gonna get that with a Frisbee.

Use the force, Luke.

Gee. That's a new one.

Thats Jeannie Robertson? Hello, J-Ro.

Dude... you didn't even look.

It's my new Aerobie.

Happy birthday!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Hey, rex, it's Brianna's birthday.

Cece, shut up!

What you have before you is an unknown solid, and what you want to do is test it for the presence of iodide, chloride, sulfate, or carbonate ions, and record your observations.

Yeah. And they don't even know if the baby will live. I mean, can you believe somebody could just throw away their baby like that?

My uncle flushed Siamese twin kittens down the toilet once.

And that's a negative for iodide.

You did the chloride and the sodium iodide test?

Are you questioning my methodology?

Girls, girls. You're both pretty.

Oh, darn. Now you won't get into Harvard.

Hey, Joan. Did your dad find it?


Will you shut up? She's not a police blotter.

Sorry. Didn't mean to bother your girlfriend.

So, who wants a copy of the science fair application?

It's not out for weeks.

I hacked in. It looks like they're accepting partners this year.

When is the science fair?

The first Friday in January.

It's gonna be a total feeding frenzy. You wanna partner with me?

I'm doing single-bubble sonoluminescence. It's the

transformation of sonic waves into photons. I'm gonna need a pro.

Can I think about it?

Sure. Yeah. I'll get the barium carbonate.

This is Sulfuric acid. If it reacts with your substance, that means it's baking soda.


Interesting how something corrosive can tell you what somethings made of. Kind of like using gay as an all-purpose insult.

Are you insane?


Glynis Figliola wants to turn sound into light with you.

I might want to work alone.


You keep saying that. What does that mean?

Nothing, man.

You're, like, my hero.

It's the one advantage to being universally despised. You get to say whatever you want.


We couldn't get any prints off the book bag, but the baby

was wrapped in the type of paper towels you find in public restrooms.

Well that narrows it down. 2 safe havens within a mile of the dumpster.

Most mothers who abandon their newborns are young girls,

It's not just a coping mechanism. It's clinical denial. Chief, I was trying to impress you with my psychological insight.

No, I heard you. Young girls, a book bag, institutional paper towels. What's that add up to?

High school.

What's closest?

Arcadia high. But the birth happened on a Saturday night,

so unless she broke into the school--

there was a homecoming game Saturday night.

I'll get a unit over there. You got a kid at arcadia, dont you Chief?

Yeah, I do.

So, what do you feel most qualifies you to be a cheerleader?

Um, I saw bring it On.

Oh My God. Bring It On is like the majorest of cheer films.

Those basket tosses were phenomenal.

Didn't you love Sparky Polastri? He was my favorite.

Totally. So, following tryouts, you get an overall spirit score based on appearance, personality, cheer and pom skills, tumbling and stunts. If you get 25 or higher, you come back tomorrow for finals, ok?

And what if I'm really bad?

Oh. Don't worry. Me and Brianna are both sidelined this Basketball season 'cause of grades, so we really need girls. You're gonna do great. Next!

Arcadia high school. Yeah, number one: Andrea, work on

your mother's voice before you try it out on me. And two: Don't use a disease you can only get on a pirate ship.

What makes them so sure it's one of our kids?

The cleaning crew found a lot of blood in one of the girls' washrooms.

Could you make a few copies of this and bring it in to me, please?

Of course.

I just wanna say I know it's been really tough in school today with the disturbing dumpster baby news, so thanks, everybody, for bringing your eagle spirits to tryouts.

Let's pop those Herkies.

And high!

Touch...the sky!

Eagles...take flight!

Gonna win...tonight! Eagles!

Crap! It's ok. It's ok. I'm good.

With your permission, we'd like to conduct interviews with students and faculty.

Also the school nurse, if possible.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Chadwick, I'm hoping to conduct this investigation in a spirit of cooperation.

Then don't expect confidential student information.


the school is gonna be overrun with rumours and conjecture. I won't allow you to traumatize the student body any further.

Mr. Price, to that end, Steven, if I may.

Mrs. Girardi has a list that I have drawn up that I think will help
get us through this with a minimum of distraction.


I didn't make any copies.

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, but I really don't think you oughta be profiling girls in this way.


Mrs. Girardi--

I know I'm just a wife and a glorified secretary here, but I'm

also a parent, and if you are just gonna round up a bunch of girls you think are bad--

Not Bad, Mrs. Girardi. These are at-risk girls who haven't connected socially.

The only reason you didn't put my own daughter on this list is because her father is chief of police. This is a list of girls that don't conform to his idea of the perfect young lady.

That list reflects my extensive experience with this student body.

Then excuse me, but I don't think you know these kids very well.

I think I know which students are at-risk.

Every kid is at-risk, not just ones who dress like it. And how about talking to some boys?

That's enough, Helen.

A life is on the line here. I don't mean the baby, I mean the mother. She lost a lot of blood. She's extremely vulnerable to infection, and that's only the physical fallout.

He's right. The psychological damage alone--

now, we have the 911 call. Let's have a small, diverse group of students come down to the station, see if they can I.D. The voice and ask them if they have any other information.

That sounds workable.

I can't because, ... my brother tried this with me once in the pool, and I just-- I have trust issues.

911. What is your emergency?

Somebody should go look in the dumpster behind Jake's auto repair. It's on third street. Go now.

Can I get your name?

Who is that new English teacher? Um, what's her name? Um...

why would it be her?

I am just saying it sounds like her.

I don't know. It could be anybody.

Ok, eaglettes, last category is originality. We want you all

to make up a short, simple eagle cheer. Nothing fancy, as long as you bring it, ok?

Eagles are great, so dont hesitate to Win. Yah!

Well I cant do any stunts. No, NO, and how about Jumps, so so.

So why am I here, well its really Odd, But Im here to cheer on a mission from god.

So put me in the game or leave me on the bench,
so you can go to heaven and I'll get out of French.

ok, everybody, great job.

Way to bring the spirit in our time of trouble.

Will the following girls return for final tryouts on Thursday?

"Nikki brooks..." "Cheryl h-h-hamada?"

Yeah. Good.

"Joan Girardi."

That was so Sparky Polastri, you equal hilarious.

"Heidi stillman... tracy allen."

You guys going to chemistry?

Do you have multiple personality disorder? Is that what this is?


You know what I'm talking about.

Oh, what, because I'm going to try out for the cheerleading team? Big deal.

Sell out as hard as you can. I don't care. Just don't expect to go mainstream and hang out in the backwater.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I had to run my life according to your social code.

You're trying out to be a cheerleader?

Excuse me. I'm substituting for Mr. Wyatt today. Can you tell me where his class is?

Up that way. Second floor.

Thank you, young man. Don't skip chemistry.

Lets call the ME and see if we can get an ETA on the forensic report.

We haven't even found the girl and you've laid attempted murder charges?

I have to take a stand, send a message. In this town, justice reacts swiftly when a child's life is in danger.

We have reason to believe the mother is a child. You were a huge supporter of the safe haven law. This is exactly the kind of person that law was intended to protect.

The safe haven law was intended to protect the baby, not the Mother. We gave these women the opportunity to leave an infant, no questions asked, at any number of public places. If they still insist on leaving their babies to die...

she made a call.

That's the difference between you and me, will. I don't have sympathy for a baby killer.

Small detail-- the baby isn't dead.

Look at it this way. The girls at arcadia high school who didn't know about the safe haven law before,

they sure as hell know about it now. You should be behind this.

Your daughter attends arcadia high, doesn't she?

Please turn in your completed equations along with your group's lab notes and pick up your pre-lab for tomorrow.

Ms. Polk, what are you working on?

My lab notes. Thought they needed some sprucing.

Too late, sprucing will cost you a letter grade.

Joan Great. Now none of us get lab credit. Thanks a lot.

Well, what can I say? I'm guess I'm not a team player.

Did it ever occur to you that some of us might want to try and succeed?

Can you say that with pompoms?

I'm gonna miss you, Jane.

You got the barium carbonate precipitate?

Ea-oh2. I'm all over it.

Where's glynis?

Oh, gee, I don't know. Recovering from the Girardi smack down?

All I said was can I think about it.

That's like saying you'll go with her to the prom unless you get a better offer.

That ship has sailed, my friend. So if you want a partner, you know, I might be able to be convinced.

I thought this thing was, like, months from now.

Yeah, which is barely enough time to compile sufficient data,

unless, of course, you and Avril Le Grace over there want to try to get electricity from a potato.

You know, Grace Polk is a lot smarter than people think.

I knew it. Hot for a lesbo. That's the final indicator.

Who said anything about hot? We're--we're talking about science.

Just skip the denial, ok? You like a dyke, which means you just tested positive for the presence of gay.

What?! Wait--wait a minute! Where are you going?

I thought I knew you, man.

Joan! Hello!

Could you keep it on the down low? It's kind of crowded in here.

I asked you to try out for cheerleaders, not turn on your friends.

"A," what friends? And "b," isn't there some baby in a dumpster you could be saving instead of making me practice herkies?

I work in mysterious ways. So do you.

Excuse me. May I see your visitor pass?

Happily, if I had one.

Then I'm going to need to escort you off the premises.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Vice principal Gavin Price. I didnt get your name.

I'm substituting for ms. Fowler's music class today, as well as Mr. White's general science and ms. Schmidt in the library, which, by the way, exceeds union maximums, a violation I was willing to overlook until you took that tone with me.

... then I hope you'll excuse me.

As union representative of the local 340, I don't think I can do that... Gavin.

Don't you have a class to go to?

It's getting lonely in the dog house. Can we skip to the part where we talk?

What's there to talk about? You clearly don't need my input.


do you have any idea what it felt like having you shut me down

like that in front of all those people today?

What was I suppose to do? My wife comes uninvited into a meeting and starts throwing in her opinion on police business.

And what if I hadn't? There'd be a list of bad girls circulating 'round the school.

We'd never have let that out.

The CIA couldn't keep a list like that from getting out in a high school.

If there are no secrets, then why hasn't anyone identified the mother of that baby?

Because kids this age are completely self-involved. They hardly notice anything that doesn't directly concern them. They're not psychopaths, they're adolescents.

Ok. What about the adults? What's their excuse?

Same thing basically. We're all so invested in the idea that this only happens to other people's kids that we hardly see what's right in front of our eyes.

You're talking like we're the blind ones. Is there something

I'm not seeing?

I don't know. I listened to that 911 call today, and there was this long pause before the girl started talking and all I could think was, "what if it's Joan?"

That could never have been Joan. We're not that blind. We know what's going on with our daughter.


and left her baby in a dumpster?


And what makes you think I would know who it is?

We're not saying that you do.

But if you heard anything at school--

shouldn't there have been some sort of visual clue?

Not if she's a fat chick.

Who are you people?

Sometimes girls can conceal their condition, wear loose clothes.

Dad, it's called high school. Everyones hiding something.

That much is clear.

Meaning what?

Could we.

You know what I'm referring to.

Oh! I don't tell you about cheerleading, therefore I must be pregnant?

- Nobody said--
- Cheerleading?
- Who's pregnant?

No one's pregnant. Right?


Is Joan having sex?

Could we got off this line of questioning, please?

This is why I don't tell you anything!

Does anybody ever wonder if I'm having sex?

Cut it out, Taylor. Hey, Friday at the grove. You better be there.

Hey, guys.

What's up, Sparky?

Cute top.

Oh, thanks.

Ok. Number 7.

We're making a list of the top 10 most likely baby dumpers.

You know... help out your dad.

How about madam marks?

Oh, she'd only dump her baby if it wasn't chic enough. Mais ques que cest? Cest gosh babe, au revoir.

Oh, my god. Do you know who seriously could've done it? Grace Polk.

She's definitely a Skank. But is she the right kind of Skank?

It couldn't have been Grace, 'cause she's not fat. Enough.

Hey, Smoothies today, eighth period.

Ok. Bye.

Hey, geek!

Sorry. I can't be late for homeroom.

Ok, that's pathetic. Listen...

I normally couldn't care less, but I think your sister needs, like, an intervention or something.

See, Mr. Wilson counts on me to take attendance.

Is she a pod person now? Because she's, like, meeting people for smoothies.

Thing is, Joan's a girl, and girls do stuff like go get smoothies.

Well, not all girls, just girls that are...

seriously, I have to go.

I'm totally psyched about practice today. I don't know about

you guys, but I'm totally looking forward to it.

I think we're gonna do great.

That doesn't look like world history, Joan.

Crap. Um... I'll meet up with you guys. I think I left phone inside.

Ok. Don't be late for practice.

Ok. Bye.

Why are you hounding me? I'm doing the whole cheer thing. Isn't that what you wanted?

That's cute how you think I want you to skip world history. Here. Help me hand these out.

Look, brianna and ceecee don't just ask everybody to do these pre-tryout smoothies.

What is it with you people? I give you very simple instructions and, boom, you're right back to false gods.

What are you talking about? I'm making friends.

You have friends.

Ok, different friends, ok?

You mean you're trying to be popular.

Same difference.

Not exactly. Don't miss any more world history. You're just in time for the crusades.

Oh, ok, ok, like it's really good for me to hear about people butchering each other for 100 years just because they believed in you!

That's not about faith. That's politics.

It's sort of like the difference between friendship and popularity.

Hello. It's brianna. I know you found your phone, so get your butt over here before practice is over.

You get anything good?

Oh, let's see. Debbie Branson totally flirts with the gym teacher. Tanya Davis' whole honour society act isn't fooling anyone, and my personal favourite, "it's probably one of those feministic girls."

You think they're protecting anyone?

Honestly, no, and that's what freaks me out. This tragedy in their school is just a source of gossip.

Well, apparently kids this age are completely self-involved. They're not psychopaths, they're adolescents.

Detective Williams? Helen Girardi on line 5 for you.

For me?

Ms. Matthews. Would you come with us, please?

Theres this moose. And the moose is telling this other moose that the other moose is really an elk and as such should be running with another herd.

ok? But the moose is basing his whole assessment on what appears to be questionable evidence.

Like his horns are kinda small?

actually its more of a behavioural observation.

Like, say the moose in question was seen sniffing a flower,

which according to the first moose is elk like. But the second moose isnt so sure. I mean, he doesnt feel like and Elk, he doesnt have elk thoughts. Does it make him and elk just because he likes this one flower?

Did you want to try a science metaphor?

does it mean Im gay if I like a lesbian?

Who have you been talking to?

Id rather leave the moose out of it.

Well, first of all, No. Liking a girl is liking a girl. And who says shes a lesbian?

That would be the moose again.

Right, You Know, Usually this kinda thing you just no.

I know but apparently there are all these indicators about me.

Heres your only indicator. You ready? When youre alone,

just kinda passing the time, what do you think about?

how to get past level five on Diablo. That kinda thing?

No, I mean, ok, when youre in the shower?

Right well, sometimes I think about Condalisa Rice. I mean her influence is second only to Kissenger.

and then theres Sigourney weaver in alien, Christina Ricci, Batgirl.

Ok, Stop .See, Thats all you kneed to know.

So, Im definatly a moose?

Dont ever make me walk you through this again, ok?

How could you not tell me about this Brianna girl when I asked you straight out?

What are you talking about?

Is it so important to be liked that you would protect someone who did this?

I didn't protect anyone! God! Can't believe you.

I understand about wanting friends. I do.

It's not like that. Nobody knew anything.

How could you not know? How could all these people in her life be so blind?

Oh, so now it's my fault?

That's not what I'm saying.

Dad, if I knew anything, I would've told you.

Every day I see people doing stupid, destructive things and ruining their lives, all because nobody's watching out for them. I'm not going to just stand by--

how did I become the criminal?

I'm saying I don't want you to get so wrapped up in these girls that you don't see--

but I do see. I see all the same stuff you do every day at school--

the drugs and the sex and people breaking the law and ruining their lives,

only I'm not having sex, I'm not doing drugs, and I don't lie to my dad!

I think I just alienated our daughter for good.

I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you. I'm sure me being the school snitch helped a little.

She's facing stuff we never dreamed of. How's she gonna survive?

She's got a good dad.

You think they know?

What, that mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably.

They're gonna eat me alive.

I wouldn't worry. Probably anorexic or at least vegetarian.

I'm gonna catch up with you.

Hey. My dad's inside getting papers.

I'm switching to another school because everyone thinks it'll be better that way.

Brianna, are you ok?

You're the only one who's asked me that.

You're the only one who's talked to me at all.

Ceecee and the others, they walked by like they didn't even see me.

I guess you heard.

Yeah. And we were just making that stupid list yesterday? It's, like, hello, I'm standing right here next to number one.

So you really didn't know?

I mean, we all noticed that Brianna kind of porked out over the summer, but nobody thought she was, like...

anyway, aren't you psyched for final tryouts?

W-what? You're still having them?

Oh, it's going to be such a pain now that I have to run the whole thing on my own without Brianna, but you know I am up for the challenge.

I can see that.


You dropped the case?

Which case is that?

Brianna Matthews.

Oh, baby in the dumpster, yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, attempted murder seemed a bit harsh in light of her efforts to inform police about the baby's location, not to mention her age.

Yes, I'm familiar with the argument. It's my argument.

But I think it would be appropriate to charge her with a lesser offence, say child endangerment, if only to get her the help she needs.

Girardi, she's a mixed-up kid. Anybody can see that. What's the point of treating her like a criminal?

I'm actually sort of surprised to see you here.

Maybe I'm an incurable optimist. Maybe I think there's still hope.

Maybe I think that someone won't show up.

Why do you care? I mean, empirically speaking, you wouldn't care unless you were emotionally invested...

you like my sister.

First, I don't like anyone. In her better moments, your sister didn't make me want to puke.

Go, eagles, go, eagles! Go! Go! Go, eagles!

In her better moments.

We live to cheer,

we're so sincere

unless you get in trouble,

then we're outta here

'cause it's such a royal pain

when a friend gets arrested

how could I have known?

How could I have guessed it?

It's not like she's my sister

whoops! Is that my beeper?

And even if she was,

am I my sister's keeper?

Sorry, got to go,

tryouts are today

tell her we'll think of her

every time we say

go, eagles! Go, eagles go, go go, eagles

my name is Joan

this cheer is my own

so kiss my feathers,

'cause this bird has flown

Definitely a better moment.

Dude, your sister is, like, hot.

Dude... you're, like, an ass.

Whatever. Listen, Diablo at Dave's? You in?

Oh, Jane, glad I caught you here. This is for good luck.

well, thank you, but I already tried out.

I missed it? No way, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's ok.


But thanks for the...

it's a cheerleader. You know, it's got the little hairy things.

Pompoms? Cool.

I can't believe I missed it, though. How'd it go?

Well. I can definitely say I'm not going to be a cheerleader.

Why not? They didn't like you?

Well... I always thought you'd hate me if I was a cheerleader.

No way. Why?

'Cause we're sub-defectives, and that would be like deserting the army or something.

Oh. No, I don't care if you're a cheerleader or sub-defective or whatever. I just like hanging out with you 'cause you're Jane.


Uh, what?

Never mind. Jane is good. We'll stick with Jane.


Would you do me the honour of applying with me as my
partner for the 2004 arcadia high science fair?

Yeah, sure.

Actually I meant--

Did you say something?

Um, I was just wondering if you wanted to apply for the science fair together with me as,

uh... as my partner? If--if you're interested.

Isn't that thing months from now?

There's gonna be, like, a total feeding frenzy.

I don't plan ahead. Ask when it's closer.

So you're saying it's possible?

In theory, if you stop acting like such a loser.

Ok. Awesome.


And then he says, "she's a victim, not a criminal and shouldn't be prosecuted." A little more parsley.

And you've no idea why he dropped the case?

Well, the girl's from a nice family, but not that nice. Just doesn't make any sense.

Want to explain "hmm"?

Oh, god! That smells good. I'm starving!

Be ready in 15. Ok.

How'd you do in tryouts?

I decided I didn't want to. I can't stand those girls.

You're done with cheerleading? That's it?

Yeah. It's a phase, dad. Keep up.

Hey, I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions last night. You're a good kid. I know that.

It's ok. You're allowed the occasional parental freak-out. Besides, everyone thought it was really cool you let brianna off.

I didn't let her off.

Go wash up and call your brothers.

Kevin! Luke!

Cheerleading is a phase?

Accept the good stuff and move on. That's my motto.

Ah, I'm starving.

Hey, hey! Uh-uh. Will you go set the table, please? Hurry up.

Brianna's boyfriend is rex Dorherty.


Son of councilman Max Doherty.

And you never found that worth mentioning?

Nobody ever asked about the father.