Jennifer Falls (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
So I had this ten-year plan for myself,
and my life was right on schedule.
I was up for senior V.P. today,
and I had a pretty good feeling about it.
We have to let her go.
Half of her clients won't work with her.
She's going to yell.
I hate it when she
yells. Makes me look weak.
- You wanted to see me, Don?
- Hey, there she is.
You look fantastic.
Thanks. Having a great day.
- Well, it's early.
- What?
Jennifer, I respect you too
much to pussyfoot around.
I'm just going to say
it straight out. Clay?
We're letting you go.
But... Senior V.P.
You have anger issues.
Frankly, it's something that's
followed you your whole career.
I don't have anger issues!
Who says I have anger issues?
She's yelling.
Jennifer, you are very
good at your job, but...
You have a personality problem.
You're aggressive, you're
cocky, you take no prisoners.
Qualities that get men promotions.
And then you say hurtful things like that.
Unbelievable.
Hey, you know, take
the rest of the day off.
Go to the zoo.
They have these baby pandas.
They'll just melt your heart.
Um, the mother ate her babies.
What? When?
Oh, come on in.
Jennifer, you know Connie from H.R.
and Larry from Security.
They're here to make sure
you don't shoot the place up.
Right, guys?
But seriously, you should go now.
Yeah.
Don, you handled that beautifully.
I felt good. I felt strong.
You know what, if you're gonna
fire me for my anger issues,
I might as well get my money's worth, Don.
Nobody gives a rat's ass
what you shot at Pebble Beach.
All the assistants are creeped out
by your rapey backrubs.
You are weak, lazy, hog all the credit,
take none of the blame, and
your breath smells like ass.
We carpooled.
Oh, that's right. It's Tuesday.
I can take a cab.
No, no, no. I mean, you're on the way.
Great.
So it's been six months,
and I've gotten really close
on a lot of jobs, but apparently,
blackballing is a real thing.
The good news is, I'm getting
a lot of helpful feedback.
Evidently, the men in the
industry find me terrifying,
but all the women find me inspiring
and also terrifying.
But hey, I'm going to be fine.
I mean, I'm still confident,
still strong, still...
Excuse me.
Unbeatable.
Mom, you're not listening.
I don't want to live at grandma's.
How are we broke? You made so much money.
Yeah, but we spent so much more.
Mom, please don't make a fuss.
So we have nothing?
Oh, no, we still have mountains of debt.
Mom, you're not listening!
Are you going to be drunk
the whole time we're there?
It's looking that way, sweetie.
Mom, please promise me you're
not going to throw a party.
She's back!
- Hey.
- Hi!
It's a party.
What are you doing?
Well, I know you said no party,
but it's just family and
friends, very low-key.
A mariachi band?
This close to Cinco de Mayo,
it was such a coup to get them.
Look, mom, I really appreciate
you taking us in, I do,
but this isn't really a party day for me.
I mean, I can't get a job,
I am upside down in my house,
I burned through all my savings,
and now I've got la Cucaracha in my head!
Sounds like somebody needs a margarita.
No, mom, that is so not what I'm saying.
I j... No salt! Please.
Salt.
- Hey, Wayne.
- Hey, sis.
Quit screwing around, dude.
Jennifer!
How's your anger?
Great, Steph. How's
your passive aggression?
You're so funny.
Wayne and I were both so sick
about what happened to you.
- You lost everything?
- I did.
Ugh, that beautiful house
in Santa Monica that
blocked everybody's view.
Lost the house.
Gorgeous condo in Maui that
we only saw in pictures.
Mm, condo's gone.
Oh, and that hockney print
that you didn't even light properly.
That's three, Wayne.
- What, but I didn't even...
- Next!
This isn't over, Conner.
Babe, will you please get me a drink?
Okay.
Just don't talk about the
eviction till I get back.
Give me that.
Cannot believe I'm back
home living with mom.
Soon as I make some money, I'm out of here.
You can always come to
work for me at the bar.
You make your own hours.
We have health care.
Wait, you have health care?
No, come on, we don't
even have a first aid kit.
Okay, why the hell not? Thanks, bro.
Wow, I'm gonna be your boss.
Oh, my God, I feel like such a loser.
Oh, come on, you're not a loser.
Just 'cause you're back living
with mom and you got fired
and you're blackballed and humiliated,
you have no money.
You used to be rich.
There are plenty of people out there
who will never make what you lost.
Hey, kids.
Want, um... you want some candy?
There's a lot of candy here.
- Morning, mom.
- Good morning.
It's so good to have you back, honey.
Thanks, but you know I'm not back back.
It's just for a few weeks.
A few weeks, forever. We
don't have to define it.
Mmm. Bacon waffles?
Okay, forever.
Is there anybody in the neighborhood
left from the old days?
Let's see.
Mike Dorfman is living in his mom's garage,
has it fixed up real cute.
He runs his own computer repair business,
and he's still single.
It's like a fairy tale.
Oh, and I ran into your
old friend Dina Simac
at the grocery store last week.
- Dina?
- Yeah.
- I asked her over for dinner.
- Oh, my God!
I have missed her so much. I love Dina.
You know, we haven't seen each
other in a really long time.
She is exactly what I need right now.
She doesn't want to see you.
What? Why?
I didn't ask. It's not my place.
Wow.
Did you eat cheese last night?
Okay, put my self-respect in the locker.
Where do I start?
What?
Life is funny.
You used to babysit me,
and now I'm your boss.
The paths we take.
Yeah.
Let me show you how to pour a draft.
Now, the trick is...
I was a V.P. for a Fortune 500 company.
- I can pour a beer.
- Okay.
Okay, here is your glass of...
Foam.
Wow.
Sorry about that. That one is on me.
That's okay.
Okay.
Hello, girls.
Hey! Just because I'm wearing
this little sports-whore outfit
does not mean I'm gonna put up
with crap from jerks like you,
- you got it?
- Got it.
And these are my girls, Abbie and Lily.
It's our weekend together.
We're having dinner.
Hey, it's so nice... so nice to meet you.
I'll be right there, guys.
I'm sorry. Your girls are adorable.
Thank you. So are yours.
Okay, here's the deal...
think of a sports bar
like it was dad's den when we were kids.
Never stand in front of
a TV when a game is on,
and never tell anyone
they've had too much to drink.
And Dennis Miller ruined football.
- You're a natural.
- Thanks.
Listen, do you think that maybe I could get
a little advance on my paycheck?
Gretchen's been really bummed out lately,
and I told her I'd take her shopping.
Just, like, 100 bucks.
I'll ask Stephanie if I can.
- Ask me what?
- Jen wants an advance.
Oh, there's no shame in that, Jennifer.
Didn't say there was, Stephanie.
Good for you.
Wayne and I are happy
to give you an advance.
Great.
This could be a teachable moment.
A what?
This is a great opportunity
to discuss money management.
Now, I don't know about you,
but the way that Wayne and I
manage our money is
that we don't spend money
that we don't have.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah. Excuse us. Wayne?
- Yeah.
- Can I just...
- Yeah.
Okay, so you have way
more experience with her.
When your wife talks
like that, how do you keep
from stabbing her in
the eye with an ice pick?
I think about her naked.
Yeah, I don't think that's
going to work for me.
Yeah, I'm not sure I'd
be comfortable with that.
Okay. All right, great, thanks.
My door is always open.
You know what, that makes
a lot of sense, Stephanie.
Great, this is gonna be fun.
Super fun.
Dina?
- Oh, my God!
- What?
I didn't know you were working here.
Hey!
Hi.
I have missed you so
much. How are you doing?
Oh, I'm good. I'm still working for U.P.S.
And pitching for my women's softball team,
- the L.A. lesbians.
- Right.
Ladies like to put it out there.
Well, how are you and Jeremy doing?
Happily, head-over-heels divorced.
Oh, thank God.
I have been biting my tongue for 15 years.
I never liked that selfish moron.
He's still the father
of my child, Jennifer.
Yeah.
I'm screwing with you! He's a scumbag!
Oh, God.
See, this is what I miss.
- You know?
- Yeah!
Remember when we used to sit in my backyard
- and smoking cigarettes...
- Yeah.
And talking about our
lives, and I was going to be
the first American woman
in space till Sally Ride...
You got to let that go, honey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, my mom said
something really weird.
She said that you didn't
want to come over for dinner.
- What? That's crazy.
- Yeah.
I mean, I totally get it, 'cause
my mom drives me crazy too.
- Yeah.
- She also made it
seem like you didn't want to see me.
- Oh, pfft.
- You know, yeah.
Oh, sh... I gotta...
I'm just... I'm late for this
thing that I gotta get to,
so, um... oh.
Okay, Dina, this is really weird.
- What?
- Yeah, it's weird.
No, it's not weird.
It is. Are we okay?
Are we okay?
No, we're not okay, okay?
We're really not, and we
haven't been for years.
And if you don't know why,
that's part of the problem.
But your hair looks really
cute like that, okay?
- Have a nice life.
- Dina.
Dina.
Hi, is my mom in?
No, sorry.
Hi, sweetie, come on in.
Mom, are you hiring your patients again?
- Isn't Lorna great?
- She just lied to my face.
It's a coping mechanism.
She only does it when
she's feeling threatened.
Her family was a mess, poor thing.
Bipolar father, domineering mother.
Now she acts out sexually
with men she barely knows.
I can't really talk about it.
Okay, listen, can you
take Gretchen shopping
for me after school today?
I promised her I would,
but I have this interview.
Well, sure, honey.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
You made this out to "what's the point"?
Oh. Sorry.
Please don't ask me if I'm okay again.
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay!
Do I look okay?
You need to be in therapy.
You have anger issues.
Why does everybody keep saying that?
I know you can't afford therapy right now,
but I have a solution.
I'm willing to see you for free.
Or maybe a little yard work.
- Are you nuts?
- Well, just some light weeding.
Mom, I am not going to have
my own mother as my shrink.
I think Freud would back me up on this.
Freud. Who understands you
better than your own mother?
Mom, you're not listening to me. I said no.
Give me one good reason why not.
Because you don't listen to me!
See, you can't.
$250,000?
I can work for less.
Way less.
Doreen, she made $250,000 at her last job.
Damn, I wouldn't lose that job.
- You can't lose that job.
- That's the job you keep.
I'm afraid we're fresh
out of our $250,000 jobs.
Did you check in the $250,000 job drawer?
You know what? It's not funny.
I lost everything.
I mean, I had to move
back in with my mother,
and I'm working for my brother at his bar
with his crazy-ass wife,
my best friend hates me,
and my daughter is
planning her own funeral.
Wow. That sounds pretty rough.
Yeah, well, it is.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Doreen, join us.
Jennifer's throwing a pity party.
Oh, I'll bring the kleenex.
- That's not fair.
- Nothing's fair.
I'm supposed to feel sorry for
you because you have to work
for your brother? You're working.
You had to move back in with your mother?
She took you in.
You know what, you are
twisting everything around
and making it all sound... good.
Hey, I found the $250,000 jobs.
I was sitting on 'em.
Sorry I'm late, guys, but
I had this little shred
of dignity still stuck to
me that I had to get rid of.
Gretchen called.
She's mad at you for having
mom take her shopping.
- Of course she is.
- Do you want my advice?
- Your advice?
- Just say you do.
I know it's none of my business, but...
Are you kidding?
You know nothing about
it, and I didn't ask you.
Of course it's your business.
Okay, loving the playful banter, guys,
but these beers won't
serve themselves, right?
Table seven.
Seriously, Dina's table?
I'm sorry, but you have to
get over your fear of lesbians.
It's the law now.
Here you go, ladies. I'm Jennifer.
Just let me know if you need anything else,
like the chance to tell
me why you're so mad at me.
Well, I asked for mozzarella
sticks about 20 minutes ago.
Okay. Anybody else?
Dina maybe?
Really? You really don't know?
Just tell me. What?
What...
Dina!
Open this door!
Ah! Jesus!
- Tell me what I did!
- You changed.
I didn't change. How did I change?
Oh! Oh!
Okay, that is... Ow! Ow!
You know what? I am
not giving up that easy.
Whoa. What? Hey! What?
Okay, now, will you just talk to me?
I don't even know where to start.
You remember when I was going
through all that horrible stuff
with Jeremy and I was flipping out?
Yeah, I sent you a $200 gift certificate
to my massage therapist.
Well, I didn't want a massage therapist.
I wanted my best friend to
be with me and talk about it.
You didn't use it?
No, I used it, but still, it pissed me off.
Did he do the "hands on fire" thing?
Oh, my God, yes, that was amazing.
I know, you just melt. It's my favorite.
It's like... no, but that's not the point.
You used to be such a good friend to me,
and then you turned into some stranger
who just throws money at people.
Oh, my God.
I did, huh?
- What happened to you?
- I don't know, I just...
I was making all this money
and having all this success.
And, I mean, I really was the Sally Ride
- of investment banking...
- Oh, my God!
Okay, I'm just saying. God.
I mean, I had a lot of what I wanted,
but the truth is, I just...
I was still really, really lonely.
Can't we just go back
to the way things were?
I mean, I know you still like me.
You can't help it. I'm awesome.
We both know that.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God.
Hello.
This is probably my fault
because we didn't go over it,
but bar policy is that we
don't usually take breaks
so soon after coming in late.
Or in the parking lot or in a friend's car.
- You'll get this.
- Okay.
Two words. Hit and run.
There's a dumpster right there.
- Nobody would know.
- Nope.
All right, get out.
See, we can build on this, right?
You can't live without
me. Don't kid yourself.
Hey, I'm gonna win you over.
Now you sound like my second baseman.
Hey.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
What can I get you?
Can I see a foam list?
You know what, I've got it down pat now.
Watch.
Hey, very nice.
Thank you.
I've always wanted to do this.
Oh! That didn't work.
You know what, I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna hand you this one.
No, come on.
- Really?
- Yeah, let her rip.
Yay!
So I've gone from maximum
profits to minimum wage.
I work ten hours a day,
then go home, cook, clean,
take care of my kid, which
is crazy and exhausting,
and apparently,
is something that 33.7 million
single working mothers do
in this country every day.
So if I whine about missing my housekeeper,
I am a giant douche bag.
I miss Lupe.
- Thanks for the omelet, mom.
- Oh, no problem.
Was it as good as the ones Lupe...
Mom, don't.
It was really fun going
shopping with grandma.
Yeah, she told me a lot about you.
She told me about the shoplifting
and the drinking and the pregnancy scare.
But then she said she
couldn't really talk about it.
She's my rock.
Maybe this was supposed to happen.
Maybe, honey. Maybe.
There you are.
Mom, we were kind of having a moment here.
Perfect. Let's have a moment.
I don't think you've ever seen these.
This is from when we sent
your mom to friendship camp.
- She loved it.
- No, I didn't.
She loved it. See that big grin?
That's Angela Schwartz.
- That's you.
- I didn't have braces.
Never? Who am I thinking of?
Angela Schwartz.
Who's Angela Schwartz?
The girl in the picture!
and my life was right on schedule.
I was up for senior V.P. today,
and I had a pretty good feeling about it.
We have to let her go.
Half of her clients won't work with her.
She's going to yell.
I hate it when she
yells. Makes me look weak.
- You wanted to see me, Don?
- Hey, there she is.
You look fantastic.
Thanks. Having a great day.
- Well, it's early.
- What?
Jennifer, I respect you too
much to pussyfoot around.
I'm just going to say
it straight out. Clay?
We're letting you go.
But... Senior V.P.
You have anger issues.
Frankly, it's something that's
followed you your whole career.
I don't have anger issues!
Who says I have anger issues?
She's yelling.
Jennifer, you are very
good at your job, but...
You have a personality problem.
You're aggressive, you're
cocky, you take no prisoners.
Qualities that get men promotions.
And then you say hurtful things like that.
Unbelievable.
Hey, you know, take
the rest of the day off.
Go to the zoo.
They have these baby pandas.
They'll just melt your heart.
Um, the mother ate her babies.
What? When?
Oh, come on in.
Jennifer, you know Connie from H.R.
and Larry from Security.
They're here to make sure
you don't shoot the place up.
Right, guys?
But seriously, you should go now.
Yeah.
Don, you handled that beautifully.
I felt good. I felt strong.
You know what, if you're gonna
fire me for my anger issues,
I might as well get my money's worth, Don.
Nobody gives a rat's ass
what you shot at Pebble Beach.
All the assistants are creeped out
by your rapey backrubs.
You are weak, lazy, hog all the credit,
take none of the blame, and
your breath smells like ass.
We carpooled.
Oh, that's right. It's Tuesday.
I can take a cab.
No, no, no. I mean, you're on the way.
Great.
So it's been six months,
and I've gotten really close
on a lot of jobs, but apparently,
blackballing is a real thing.
The good news is, I'm getting
a lot of helpful feedback.
Evidently, the men in the
industry find me terrifying,
but all the women find me inspiring
and also terrifying.
But hey, I'm going to be fine.
I mean, I'm still confident,
still strong, still...
Excuse me.
Unbeatable.
Mom, you're not listening.
I don't want to live at grandma's.
How are we broke? You made so much money.
Yeah, but we spent so much more.
Mom, please don't make a fuss.
So we have nothing?
Oh, no, we still have mountains of debt.
Mom, you're not listening!
Are you going to be drunk
the whole time we're there?
It's looking that way, sweetie.
Mom, please promise me you're
not going to throw a party.
She's back!
- Hey.
- Hi!
It's a party.
What are you doing?
Well, I know you said no party,
but it's just family and
friends, very low-key.
A mariachi band?
This close to Cinco de Mayo,
it was such a coup to get them.
Look, mom, I really appreciate
you taking us in, I do,
but this isn't really a party day for me.
I mean, I can't get a job,
I am upside down in my house,
I burned through all my savings,
and now I've got la Cucaracha in my head!
Sounds like somebody needs a margarita.
No, mom, that is so not what I'm saying.
I j... No salt! Please.
Salt.
- Hey, Wayne.
- Hey, sis.
Quit screwing around, dude.
Jennifer!
How's your anger?
Great, Steph. How's
your passive aggression?
You're so funny.
Wayne and I were both so sick
about what happened to you.
- You lost everything?
- I did.
Ugh, that beautiful house
in Santa Monica that
blocked everybody's view.
Lost the house.
Gorgeous condo in Maui that
we only saw in pictures.
Mm, condo's gone.
Oh, and that hockney print
that you didn't even light properly.
That's three, Wayne.
- What, but I didn't even...
- Next!
This isn't over, Conner.
Babe, will you please get me a drink?
Okay.
Just don't talk about the
eviction till I get back.
Give me that.
Cannot believe I'm back
home living with mom.
Soon as I make some money, I'm out of here.
You can always come to
work for me at the bar.
You make your own hours.
We have health care.
Wait, you have health care?
No, come on, we don't
even have a first aid kit.
Okay, why the hell not? Thanks, bro.
Wow, I'm gonna be your boss.
Oh, my God, I feel like such a loser.
Oh, come on, you're not a loser.
Just 'cause you're back living
with mom and you got fired
and you're blackballed and humiliated,
you have no money.
You used to be rich.
There are plenty of people out there
who will never make what you lost.
Hey, kids.
Want, um... you want some candy?
There's a lot of candy here.
- Morning, mom.
- Good morning.
It's so good to have you back, honey.
Thanks, but you know I'm not back back.
It's just for a few weeks.
A few weeks, forever. We
don't have to define it.
Mmm. Bacon waffles?
Okay, forever.
Is there anybody in the neighborhood
left from the old days?
Let's see.
Mike Dorfman is living in his mom's garage,
has it fixed up real cute.
He runs his own computer repair business,
and he's still single.
It's like a fairy tale.
Oh, and I ran into your
old friend Dina Simac
at the grocery store last week.
- Dina?
- Yeah.
- I asked her over for dinner.
- Oh, my God!
I have missed her so much. I love Dina.
You know, we haven't seen each
other in a really long time.
She is exactly what I need right now.
She doesn't want to see you.
What? Why?
I didn't ask. It's not my place.
Wow.
Did you eat cheese last night?
Okay, put my self-respect in the locker.
Where do I start?
What?
Life is funny.
You used to babysit me,
and now I'm your boss.
The paths we take.
Yeah.
Let me show you how to pour a draft.
Now, the trick is...
I was a V.P. for a Fortune 500 company.
- I can pour a beer.
- Okay.
Okay, here is your glass of...
Foam.
Wow.
Sorry about that. That one is on me.
That's okay.
Okay.
Hello, girls.
Hey! Just because I'm wearing
this little sports-whore outfit
does not mean I'm gonna put up
with crap from jerks like you,
- you got it?
- Got it.
And these are my girls, Abbie and Lily.
It's our weekend together.
We're having dinner.
Hey, it's so nice... so nice to meet you.
I'll be right there, guys.
I'm sorry. Your girls are adorable.
Thank you. So are yours.
Okay, here's the deal...
think of a sports bar
like it was dad's den when we were kids.
Never stand in front of
a TV when a game is on,
and never tell anyone
they've had too much to drink.
And Dennis Miller ruined football.
- You're a natural.
- Thanks.
Listen, do you think that maybe I could get
a little advance on my paycheck?
Gretchen's been really bummed out lately,
and I told her I'd take her shopping.
Just, like, 100 bucks.
I'll ask Stephanie if I can.
- Ask me what?
- Jen wants an advance.
Oh, there's no shame in that, Jennifer.
Didn't say there was, Stephanie.
Good for you.
Wayne and I are happy
to give you an advance.
Great.
This could be a teachable moment.
A what?
This is a great opportunity
to discuss money management.
Now, I don't know about you,
but the way that Wayne and I
manage our money is
that we don't spend money
that we don't have.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah. Excuse us. Wayne?
- Yeah.
- Can I just...
- Yeah.
Okay, so you have way
more experience with her.
When your wife talks
like that, how do you keep
from stabbing her in
the eye with an ice pick?
I think about her naked.
Yeah, I don't think that's
going to work for me.
Yeah, I'm not sure I'd
be comfortable with that.
Okay. All right, great, thanks.
My door is always open.
You know what, that makes
a lot of sense, Stephanie.
Great, this is gonna be fun.
Super fun.
Dina?
- Oh, my God!
- What?
I didn't know you were working here.
Hey!
Hi.
I have missed you so
much. How are you doing?
Oh, I'm good. I'm still working for U.P.S.
And pitching for my women's softball team,
- the L.A. lesbians.
- Right.
Ladies like to put it out there.
Well, how are you and Jeremy doing?
Happily, head-over-heels divorced.
Oh, thank God.
I have been biting my tongue for 15 years.
I never liked that selfish moron.
He's still the father
of my child, Jennifer.
Yeah.
I'm screwing with you! He's a scumbag!
Oh, God.
See, this is what I miss.
- You know?
- Yeah!
Remember when we used to sit in my backyard
- and smoking cigarettes...
- Yeah.
And talking about our
lives, and I was going to be
the first American woman
in space till Sally Ride...
You got to let that go, honey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, my mom said
something really weird.
She said that you didn't
want to come over for dinner.
- What? That's crazy.
- Yeah.
I mean, I totally get it, 'cause
my mom drives me crazy too.
- Yeah.
- She also made it
seem like you didn't want to see me.
- Oh, pfft.
- You know, yeah.
Oh, sh... I gotta...
I'm just... I'm late for this
thing that I gotta get to,
so, um... oh.
Okay, Dina, this is really weird.
- What?
- Yeah, it's weird.
No, it's not weird.
It is. Are we okay?
Are we okay?
No, we're not okay, okay?
We're really not, and we
haven't been for years.
And if you don't know why,
that's part of the problem.
But your hair looks really
cute like that, okay?
- Have a nice life.
- Dina.
Dina.
Hi, is my mom in?
No, sorry.
Hi, sweetie, come on in.
Mom, are you hiring your patients again?
- Isn't Lorna great?
- She just lied to my face.
It's a coping mechanism.
She only does it when
she's feeling threatened.
Her family was a mess, poor thing.
Bipolar father, domineering mother.
Now she acts out sexually
with men she barely knows.
I can't really talk about it.
Okay, listen, can you
take Gretchen shopping
for me after school today?
I promised her I would,
but I have this interview.
Well, sure, honey.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
You made this out to "what's the point"?
Oh. Sorry.
Please don't ask me if I'm okay again.
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay!
Do I look okay?
You need to be in therapy.
You have anger issues.
Why does everybody keep saying that?
I know you can't afford therapy right now,
but I have a solution.
I'm willing to see you for free.
Or maybe a little yard work.
- Are you nuts?
- Well, just some light weeding.
Mom, I am not going to have
my own mother as my shrink.
I think Freud would back me up on this.
Freud. Who understands you
better than your own mother?
Mom, you're not listening to me. I said no.
Give me one good reason why not.
Because you don't listen to me!
See, you can't.
$250,000?
I can work for less.
Way less.
Doreen, she made $250,000 at her last job.
Damn, I wouldn't lose that job.
- You can't lose that job.
- That's the job you keep.
I'm afraid we're fresh
out of our $250,000 jobs.
Did you check in the $250,000 job drawer?
You know what? It's not funny.
I lost everything.
I mean, I had to move
back in with my mother,
and I'm working for my brother at his bar
with his crazy-ass wife,
my best friend hates me,
and my daughter is
planning her own funeral.
Wow. That sounds pretty rough.
Yeah, well, it is.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Doreen, join us.
Jennifer's throwing a pity party.
Oh, I'll bring the kleenex.
- That's not fair.
- Nothing's fair.
I'm supposed to feel sorry for
you because you have to work
for your brother? You're working.
You had to move back in with your mother?
She took you in.
You know what, you are
twisting everything around
and making it all sound... good.
Hey, I found the $250,000 jobs.
I was sitting on 'em.
Sorry I'm late, guys, but
I had this little shred
of dignity still stuck to
me that I had to get rid of.
Gretchen called.
She's mad at you for having
mom take her shopping.
- Of course she is.
- Do you want my advice?
- Your advice?
- Just say you do.
I know it's none of my business, but...
Are you kidding?
You know nothing about
it, and I didn't ask you.
Of course it's your business.
Okay, loving the playful banter, guys,
but these beers won't
serve themselves, right?
Table seven.
Seriously, Dina's table?
I'm sorry, but you have to
get over your fear of lesbians.
It's the law now.
Here you go, ladies. I'm Jennifer.
Just let me know if you need anything else,
like the chance to tell
me why you're so mad at me.
Well, I asked for mozzarella
sticks about 20 minutes ago.
Okay. Anybody else?
Dina maybe?
Really? You really don't know?
Just tell me. What?
What...
Dina!
Open this door!
Ah! Jesus!
- Tell me what I did!
- You changed.
I didn't change. How did I change?
Oh! Oh!
Okay, that is... Ow! Ow!
You know what? I am
not giving up that easy.
Whoa. What? Hey! What?
Okay, now, will you just talk to me?
I don't even know where to start.
You remember when I was going
through all that horrible stuff
with Jeremy and I was flipping out?
Yeah, I sent you a $200 gift certificate
to my massage therapist.
Well, I didn't want a massage therapist.
I wanted my best friend to
be with me and talk about it.
You didn't use it?
No, I used it, but still, it pissed me off.
Did he do the "hands on fire" thing?
Oh, my God, yes, that was amazing.
I know, you just melt. It's my favorite.
It's like... no, but that's not the point.
You used to be such a good friend to me,
and then you turned into some stranger
who just throws money at people.
Oh, my God.
I did, huh?
- What happened to you?
- I don't know, I just...
I was making all this money
and having all this success.
And, I mean, I really was the Sally Ride
- of investment banking...
- Oh, my God!
Okay, I'm just saying. God.
I mean, I had a lot of what I wanted,
but the truth is, I just...
I was still really, really lonely.
Can't we just go back
to the way things were?
I mean, I know you still like me.
You can't help it. I'm awesome.
We both know that.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God.
Hello.
This is probably my fault
because we didn't go over it,
but bar policy is that we
don't usually take breaks
so soon after coming in late.
Or in the parking lot or in a friend's car.
- You'll get this.
- Okay.
Two words. Hit and run.
There's a dumpster right there.
- Nobody would know.
- Nope.
All right, get out.
See, we can build on this, right?
You can't live without
me. Don't kid yourself.
Hey, I'm gonna win you over.
Now you sound like my second baseman.
Hey.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
What can I get you?
Can I see a foam list?
You know what, I've got it down pat now.
Watch.
Hey, very nice.
Thank you.
I've always wanted to do this.
Oh! That didn't work.
You know what, I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna hand you this one.
No, come on.
- Really?
- Yeah, let her rip.
Yay!
So I've gone from maximum
profits to minimum wage.
I work ten hours a day,
then go home, cook, clean,
take care of my kid, which
is crazy and exhausting,
and apparently,
is something that 33.7 million
single working mothers do
in this country every day.
So if I whine about missing my housekeeper,
I am a giant douche bag.
I miss Lupe.
- Thanks for the omelet, mom.
- Oh, no problem.
Was it as good as the ones Lupe...
Mom, don't.
It was really fun going
shopping with grandma.
Yeah, she told me a lot about you.
She told me about the shoplifting
and the drinking and the pregnancy scare.
But then she said she
couldn't really talk about it.
She's my rock.
Maybe this was supposed to happen.
Maybe, honey. Maybe.
There you are.
Mom, we were kind of having a moment here.
Perfect. Let's have a moment.
I don't think you've ever seen these.
This is from when we sent
your mom to friendship camp.
- She loved it.
- No, I didn't.
She loved it. See that big grin?
That's Angela Schwartz.
- That's you.
- I didn't have braces.
Never? Who am I thinking of?
Angela Schwartz.
Who's Angela Schwartz?
The girl in the picture!