It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Mac and Dennis Buy a Timeshare - full transcript
After making some very questionable investment choices, the gang try to dump their losses on Ben The Soldier while they look for the man who is pulling their strings.
So sign up for the
Invigaron system today, and take
the first steps toward obtaining
financial freedom.
Invigaron-- a business
opportunity as rare as the
- albani berries themselves.
- What's happening?
You're, like, a berry salesman
now or...?
No, I'm a distributor,
Charlie, for a revolutionary new
- product that changes lives.
- Right. Now explain
these to me. Oh, those are my new wrenches.
I got those free for sitting
through a 20-minute
presentation.
Oh, I get it now.
It's a scam.
No, no, no, no, no,
it's not a scam at all.
I also had reservations in the
beginning, but these super
berries grow in the Andes
mountains, okay?
Alpacas can survive entire
winters on this shit.
Oh, shit! So it's like a
super berry, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Now what kind of superpowers
are you talking about? Like, do you
survive the winter? Great question.
So is that the only super
power you get, surviving
winters?
Because I've survived many
winters without these berries.
No, I think I have an answer
for all of this stuff, okay?
Okay.
Charlie, allow me
to demonstrate.
Oh, you got a thing here.
Come over here and hold
on to these.
Now, this machine is gonna
measure the level of toxins
in your body caused by stress.
All right. Where do I put
my feet?
Wherever you want.
I'm gonna put them on
the stool.
Great. It doesn't matter.
Okay, here we go.
120, 140, 157.
Oh, shit, Charlie. 157?
Is that bad?
Yeah, it's not good.
Guys, I got 157.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
157 what?
Units.
Units, dude.
Units of what?
Units of stress!
Ah!
You're very, very high
in your...
That's a lot of units!
...in your stress unit.
But don't even worry, because
Invigaron can help you.
These berries are chock-full
of antioxidants and
phytonutrients.
Oh, thank God.
All right, I'm sold. I'm in.
Of course you're buying it,
because you're as big of an
idiot as she is.
You're getting scammed, Dee!
It's not a scam!
You walked into a room that
you could have walked out of
with a free set of golf club
but instead you got got.
Hey, I say we get ourselves
a new pair of golf clubs, huh?
Yeah, well, we won't get got
though.
We gonna get. See, Dee, people like
us, we don't get got. We go get.
That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.
No way.
Hey-oh! All right, Charlie, I
signed you up for the gold
member starter kit, okay?
Good. Yeah.
Yeah. You know what's
in here?
Two cases of the juice, four
packs of the energy gel.
Nice.
There's a box of shake mix,
and I think they threw in a
bunch of protein...
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
What are you doing, Charlie?!
What?
What are you doing?!
I'm drinking the berry juice
to save my life.
This is not about berries,
all right?
You sell it. This is a whole
moneymaking system, okay?
That's what Invigaron is.
It's-it's about money,
and it's about, you know,
"wealth creation through-through
the use of antioxidants,
powerful antioxidants."
Yeah, uh-huh.
And, you know, we're going
to "redefine success and-and
change the world."
You know what?
All those words are, like,
stressing me out, Dee.
And I can't get more str...
I'm at 157!
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm a little confused as well.
Uh, I don't have a firm grasp
on exactly how this...
It's confusing stuff.
Where the hell is Frank?
Where the hell is Frank?
He can help us.
He's, like, a business genius.
I don't know where he is.
He didn't come home this
morning.
He took off last night.
He said he had some dream
or something.
And, like, he woke up, he's
like, "Ah, Charlie, I got to
get to the playground."
And he shot out of here.
Why is he at the playground?
I don't know.
He told me not to come.
Well, we got to go
figure it out.
He can help explain all this.
Yeah, he's good with stuff
like this.
We're not.
All right, all right,
let's do it.
I'm drinking this one though.
Yeah, but don't open any more.
Frank?
Huh?
What is this? You're stuck?
Was this your plan?
No.
What is this?
How did this happen?
How does anything happen,
Charlie?
Move past it, will ya?
I'm afraid that's going
to be impossible.
Yeah. Where are your clothes?
Why are you naked and stuck
in a coil?
Just get me out of here.
All right, well, first
we should do the
thing because..
Yeah. Charlie and I have
a couple of business questions
we wanted to ask you first.
What? Deandra, don't
dick around.
Get me out of here!
Look, I'll be quick, okay?
Now, Charlie and I have recently
come into a rare business
opportunity, and we were hoping
you could clear a couple things
up for us.
Can you look at that?
It's a pyramid scheme.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a reverse funnel system.
Turn it upside down.
Oh, shit!
Goddamn it! Shit!
All right, you've been duped,
suckers.
You're the sucker, okay?
You're naked and you're stuck
in a coil! All right, calm down, calm down.
Look, Frank is there any way,
you know, to get out of one
of these schemes?
All right, what you got to do
is round up a couple of suckers
and get 'em hooked.
Dummies with deep pockets
are the best.
What about Ben the Soldier?
Well, he's as dumb as
you can get.
Yeah. He's dumb as bricks, that guy.
He's so stupid.
All right, let's do it.
That's good.
We'll get him, and I'll get,
like, a pulley or a rope, and
we'll just yank you out of there
or something, all right?
Get me out of here.
Yeah. Hold on, hold on.
Charlie, whoa, think about this.
If we get him out of there,
how do we know he's gonna keep
helping us?
Well, what do you mean?
If we get him out of there,
he might scam us further.
We don't know.
He's a business mastermind.
I don't know what he's got
going on.
Shit, that's a good point.
I mean, what's he doing
in that coil, you know
what I mean? He wouldn't say.
He could be up to something.
I say we leave him stuck in
there just for a few more days
so we can leverage him for
business advice...
Right. We keep him contained.
That's right.
If we need questions,
we just go to him.
That's right.
All right, all right.
Hey, uh, Frank, we'll be
back in a couple days to help
you out, okay, buddy?
No, no, no, no!
Deandra, I don't have a
couple of days!
It's Saturday coming up.
There's gonna be kids here!
Hey, guys.
You here for the presentation?
I'm Harris Marder.
Save it, bozo.
We're here for the free
golf clubs.
You got exactly 20 minutes
to do your little song
and dance.
We're just gonna tune out, so
why don't you give us a wave
when you're finished.
Or don't.
What's the point?
I'd just be wasting my time.
I mean, obviously,
you two are smart. 19 minutes and 50
seconds, clown. Don't get me wrong.
Invigaron is great, but you got
to put in the hours.
You fellows strike me more as
men of leisure.
Obviously.
Well, we are.
Yeah, I mean, this guy's got
the Hawaiian shirt, you with
the killer tan.
Bet it's killing you guys
to be stuck indoors on a
beautiful day like today.
It is. So less yapping,
more golf clubs please.
Yeah, I get it.
And you know what?
Because you guys are such great
sports, I'm gonna throw in a
coupon for a free round of golf
at the Dusty Dunes Resort
in Orlando.
You guys been to Florida?
Been there? Not physically.
If you want, I can set you
up with one of their private
villas.
Private villa.
Whatever. That's pretty nice.
Look at that.
Oh, it is nice.
Did you know that the average
rate for a hotel room 30 years
ago was $19?
Today it's $237.
That's a 1,300% increase.
So it's not inconceivable to
think that in another 30 years,
a week at a hotel runs you
20 grand.
That's not inconceivable.
That's... crazy. That's very,
very conceivable. Really?
Okay, but not for you guys.
You'll be locked in at $1,400
annually.
Wait. We would be?
Yeah. I'm not talking about
taking a vacation, guys.
I'm talking about owning
a vacation.
And, look, if you're still not
comfortable with the numbers,
you just double down.
You get two weeks, sell
that second week, boom, you're
vacationing for free.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
Mac, I think this guy just bent
himself over a barrel
a little bit.
He did?
Yeah, for our pleasure.
Follow me here.
Okay, so if we buy a second
week, and we sell that, we're
vacationing for free.
What happens if we buy
a third week and sell that?
We're getting paid
to vacation!
Oh, shit!
You guys, I... I've actually
never thought of it like that.
I know!
I'm not sure I can make that
deal.
The deal's locked in.
Deal's done.
I'm gonna write in "three..."
Write in "three weeks."
Three here... that's done!
Yeah, right?
Put three on...
You got got!
You thought we were a bunch of
suckers, but guess what?
Oh, God.
We're not.
We just bought three weeks of a
time-share.
So you did.
Not a great turnout.
No, not-not a great turnout.
You know why?
Nobody gives a shit about free
soup, Charlie.
People want golf clubs and
concert tickets.
Don't knock the soup, all
right? Da'Maniac's here.
He's sucked down, like, three
bowls of it.
Yeah, he is here.
And why is he here, Charlie?
Well...
Nobody wants to buy something
from a deranged wrestler.
Why would you invite him?
I didn't invite him.
He just drifted in.
I guess he was...
Just looking for soup.
...looking for free soup,
yeah, free soup.
All right.
You know, drifters...
All right, let's just get it
going, all right?
Yeah. Hello, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming
today.
Each one of you has been
hand-selected to potentially
join our Invigaron team.
"What is Invigaron?" you may be
asking.
Charlie?
Hello, everyone.
I'm Dee, and this is Charlie.
And as you can tell by our
huge mansion, we're insanely
loaded. But it wasn't always this way.
We used to be losers, like all
of you people. And then we discovered
the Invig...
Invigaron!
And it all starts with the
berries. The berries are the most delici...
I'm sure you're all excited
to learn more about the
Invigaron system.
What the hell happened to my
part, Dee?
Yeah, I had to do some
reshoots.
You are way too hung up on the
berries.
The success of the Invigaron
system is largely due to the
simplicity of its origins.
Using a multi-tiered
distribu...
...multi-level market...
...the Invigaron system...
...multi-level...
Invig...
I'm Andy, proud owner of my
own mountain, where...
Did a couple reshoots of my own.
Proud owner of my own mountain,
where I'm a magical bean farmer.
Berries!♪
Does the sophisticated
business model of Invigaron
confuse you?
You don't need to understand how
Invigaron works, because
somebody above you does.
So ask less questions, and make
more money.
There we go.
Okay.
Well, I wasn't quite
finished, there's...
Still not convinced?
Well, guess what?
The Invigaron system is also a
pyramid scheme.
"What's a pyramid scheme?" you
ask.
All right, basically a house
of cards where the dickheads at
the bottom do all the work, and
give all the money to the smart
guys up at the top.
All right? Now, will you get... Don't
just be successful. Be berry...
You won't need a pot of gold.
But still amazingly badass...
So do...
There we go.
All right, any questions?
I have a question.
Uh, how do I get in on this?
Uh, you probably don't,
because you need money.
Ben, how many boxes am I gonna
put you down for?
I don't really understand
what I'm buying.
You saw the video.
Was the video not clear?
The video was pretty clear,
Charlie.
You think maybe it's your
stress?
Do you want to check your
photon levels?
Oh. Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, you could be stressed.
It... okay.
Here you go.
Okay.
Uh, where should I put my feet?
Dee, where do his feet go?
The feet go wherever.
What is it with the feet?
Thank you for this business
opportunity.
I will not let you down.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sir, you need to pay for the
product, you can't just take it
out of here.
Roger!
Roger that.
He's just... he's just
leaving the bar.
He just stole the berries. That's not g...
Oh!
Oh, 107.
Hey, man, that's pretty good.
What? Don't...
Healthy guy over here.
Charlie, no, that's terrible.
He's very stressed out and he
needs to buy the product and eat
the berries.
Oh, shit!
I-I'm sorry. Um, I don't think this is for me.
Oh, goddamn it!
If 107's bad, I got to eat
more berries.
Stop eating berries!
You've had enough berries!
I just don't understand.
Is it a sexual thing?
No, just get me the hell out!
It doesn't matter!
Matters to me; I don't
think I can move past it.
We came here for a reason.
Let's just jump into it, all
right?
All right.
Frank, we have a very
exciting real estate opportunity for
you in sunny Orlando, Florida. Yes.
How would you like to spend one
week out of the year living the
high life at your own private
villa at the Dusty Dunes Resort?
You guys bought a time-share?
Well, yeah.
Yeah. How can you all be so gullible?
No, no, no, no.
No, this is different, Frank.
This is different.
Tell him.
This asshole tried to sell us
one week.
We took the prick for three.
You did?
You took him for three weeks?
Dennis thought of it.
You think he didn't want to
sell you as many weeks as
possible?
No, I don't think he...
I told you that might have
been a concern, I...
No, I know, but I...
The whole way over, you said
that's...
All right, fine.
Well, look, I didn't come here
to be criticized by a man stuck
in a coil!
Are you gonna buy a week or not?
No, I'm not that stupid.
We don't need this.
We're out of here, Frank.
Screw you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I-I-I can help you.
Yeah?
I can help you. Yeah.
Help us how?
I'll give you a premium lead
on a deep-pocket dummy.
Premium lead?
That's business talk.
We need premium leads.
Yeah. Who? You promise to get me out of here?
Yeah, yeah, Frank, we
promise.
What do you think, we're
gonna leave you in a coil?
Give us a name.
Ben the Soldier.
All right?
Ben the Soldier, huh?
Yeah.
Well, yeah...
That's pretty good.
It is?
Yeah.
He's very, very dumb.
I mean, think about it.
He went over there, probably
saw some pretty serious carnage.
He's gonna have some bad PTSD.
If we trigger that, he'll be
putty in our hands.
Right, whatever.
Okay, get me out of here.
No.
Nah. Nah.
Nah.
No.
Wait, whoa, whoa. Where you going?
You just got got, Frank.
Yeah.
Uh, you played your hand a
little too early, sucker.
We'll come back when we need
you again.
That's called leverage.
Right.
That's business talk.
Yeah, thought you were good
at that stuff.
The kids are coming! What...
I know.
The kids!
The kids will be here!
Now listen.
We just need to trigger his PTSD
a little bit, all right?
Get him all jumbled up.
Couple of sudden movements.
Loud noises.
Exactly.
Hey!
Hey!
Ben!
It's so good to see you, man.
How are you?
Come on in.
Have a seat on the couch, why
don't you?
Okay.
All right.
Oh, my God!
Hi.
Da'Maniac.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing here?
Well, I've come for the
presentation.
Gonna be really cool, huh?
Oh, it's... it's sort of...
geared specifically towards Ben,
so...
I like him, too.
He a good guy, huh?
Nice to see you.
Yeah.
That's good.
He's coming in.
Hey, Ben.
How you doing?
All right, let's just, uh...
Okay, uh...
All right, listen, so, Ben...
Um, we would like to offer you a
week's stay in our time-share
condominium in Florida.
It's an amazing property.
I mean, when we first saw it, we
were like, "Boom!"
Sometimes, loud noises make
the squirrels go in my head, and
I-I don't fight in the ring
anymore, but I still fight with
the demons in Da'Maniac's head.
All right, well, we'll-we'll
try to be a little bit more
sensitive to that.
I... Yeah.
Um, and we'll keep our voices
down from here on out.
Yeah. Uh, Ben, should we talk numbers?
Oh, I don't know.
Um, and it sounds really nice,
but I'm not trying to make any
business decisions.
I have a 107 stress level.
Ooh.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be here.
I-I have to go.
Well, wait, Ben, stop. Ben...
Don't go, Ben.
No, the sunshine state.
Oh, uh, I'm in.
Oh, no. Well, no. See, Maniac, it's
very expensive. It's, like, $1,400.
Sold to the Maniac for $1,400.
Really?
You know why? 'Cause I can
pay you in Invigaron.
I don't think you're quite
understanding.
Uh, this involves you giving us
cash, not a product that we
would then sell.
Sure.
See, we need cash money.
Oh, you're...
We're on the same page.
Okay.
I don't even understand what
he's talking about.
Yeah. Hold on one second.
No, take your time.
Listen, I think we might have
been wrong about Dee and
Charlie's little investment.
I mean, they're out there moving
berries like crazy.
If those bozos can do it, think
how many you and I can sell.
We could flip 'em, like, ten
times over.
That's what I'm saying.
So I say we swindle Da'Maniac
while we got him here.
Let's get in on Dee and
Charlie's little game.
Smart.
Pyramid scheme and a time-share?
We're diversifying our
portfolio.
That's the thing.
Okay, all right. Hey, Maniac?
Yeah.
Hey, you just got yourself a
deal.
We're in business together?
Yeah.
That's so cool.
I'm gonna go grab my stuff, and
then, if you wouldn't mind,
could you show me which room is
mine?
I'd like a big room, if you
don't mind.
We're gonna have so much fun.
Invigaron.
Uh... is-is he under the
impression that our apartment is
the time-share?
It would appear so.
Okay, you know what?
We'll deal with that later.
Let focus on getting Ben to
crack.
All right, now, between
Da'Maniac stealing our berries
and these night vision goggles,
we're in a bit of a hole, so
we got to make this count.
Okay. What's the plan
exactly?
We're gonna trigger Ben's
PTSD, all right?
We bust in like Navy SEALs,
zip-tie his hands, bag over his
head, and then we bash him till
he buys.
PTSD-- that's so brilliant.
How's Frank come up with that
stuff?
What can you say?
He knows business.
Okay, ready?
Locked and loaded?
All right.
Let's go, Charlie.
Let's move.
Oh, oh, oh!
Hey! What the hell are you guys doing here?
We were gonna try and trigger
Ben's PTSD and make him buy our
shit.
Good luck.
We've been at it all night.
We broke in here, looking like
Arabs, screaming at him.
The guy's rock solid. Why did you dress
him like Ebenezer Scrooge? Yeah.
He was actually dressed like
at when we got here.
He's clearly got some issues.
I just don't know that PTSD is
one of them.
Yeah, we've been watching
violent war movies all night to
remind him of the carnage that
he saw in combat.
I didn't see any carnage.
Um, I actually had a good time
during the war.
I got to travel the world, uh,
try new, exotic cuisines.
Well, I'm a computer programmer.
What?!
Goddamn it!
Frank told us this dummy was the
key to digging ourselves out of
our financial debt.
What?
Frank told us the same thing.
Well, that's interesting.
So, we're all here doing this
because of Frank.
See, I told you he was up to
something.
Hold on a second.
Getting all naked and cramming
yourself into a coil-- that's a
pretty good distraction, right?
Right?
Yeah, and think about it.
He didn't tell us why he was in
that coil.
No, no, no.
I just assumed that he went down
there to pound off in the
nighttime.
Yeah, right, right.
Yeah, me, too. Me, too.
But now I'm absolutely sure
he had an agenda.
I bet he was never stuck in
that coil at all.
He's been at the top of the
pyramid the whole time just
gathering our cash.
Oh, right, right, or at the
bottom of the funnel.
I'm not sure which way it works.
Bottom of the funnel, top of
the-- they're the same thing.
Yeah, well, I bet you when we
go down there, he's not even in
there, is he?
No. Hell, no, he's not in
that coil, but I know exactly
where he will be.
All right, everyone, we have
a new addition to the platinum
sales staff, and let me just
tell you something.
This guy is an absolute dynamo.
Scam! This guy's a liar!
You guys are getting scammed!
You're getting scammed!
Pyramid! Pyramid!
Rape! Rape! Rape! Rape! Rape!
Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on here?
Well, I'll tell you what's
going on.
We are saving these people from
years of financial rape.
Oh, hey, if you want out of
Invigaron, all you have to do is
say so.
Wait.
I do?
Huh?
Look, you just, uh, sign this
release form, pay a $200 penalty
fee, your down line will shift
up to me, and then you're free
and clear.
That's it? All you got to do
is sign the document?
Can we do that?
Yeah, does that mean we're
out of the time-share?
Oh, no, no, I'm afraid I
can't help you there.
Those contracts are ironclad.
I'm just relieved you didn't see
the old opt-out clause.
Wait a second.
He just subtly motioned to this
document here-- opt-out.
Oh, no.
Oh, crap, I've said too much.
"Buyer may opt out of the
contract within 72 hours for
one-time cancellation fee of
only $2,000."
You figured it out.
Oh, you fool. I have...
You didn't think we were gonna see
this, but we outsmarted you. Yeah.
We're a couple of foxes.
All right, you got got!
So suck on that little piece
of sweetness.
You also wrote
"faced" in the memo. Ha! Nice!
Should have known better than
to get involved with a couple
sharks like you two.
You should have. We're just
glad we're out from under Frank.
Yeah.
Who's Frank?
Oh, "Who's Frank?" he says.
Like he doesn't know.
Come on, everybody.
Frank's the guy who's behind all
this; Frank is the mastermind
in the coil.
I sincerely have no idea what
you're talking about.
Oh, sure you don't, buddy.
Well, guess what?
He might not 'cause Frank...
Uh-oh. Oh, shit.
Oh, you thought we came in mad.
Wait till you see what this
monster has to say.
This guy?
What are you talking about?
This guy's the best salesman
I got.
Da'Maniac?
Yeah. He's already got 30
people under him.
I got to thank you all so
much for hooking me up with that
army guy. I got his whole platoon
selling for me. Wait a sec.
Da'Maniac's on my down line.
Yup.
I'm rich. I'm rich.
Oh!
You got got!
You got got! You got got!
Oh, whoa, one second.
One second, guys.
Actually, he's in my down line.
You just bought out, remember?
Shoot!
No, you... Oh!
This guy's good.
Oh, yeah. You know, sorry.
I want to get this stuff done
here, and then I'll meet you
back at our time-share, huh?
Okay.
Now, what's going on there?
Is he, like, living with you
guys, or...?
Yeah.
He's... It's-it's a whole
thing. Just move past it.
That's a hard thing to move
past.
Yeah, doesn't know what
time-share is.
All right, but hold on a
second, hold on a second.
Is Frank still the mastermind?
I don't get it.
Is he still in the coil?
No, he's not still in the
coil.
Come on, guys, he's definitely
still behind this.
He's probably down in Orlando
enjoying that time-share.
He's long gone.
Right. Wherever he is, he's
having a real good time.
Hey! Hey, easy, easy, easy.
I gotta get out of here!
Get me out of here!
Get me out of here!
Invigaron system today, and take
the first steps toward obtaining
financial freedom.
Invigaron-- a business
opportunity as rare as the
- albani berries themselves.
- What's happening?
You're, like, a berry salesman
now or...?
No, I'm a distributor,
Charlie, for a revolutionary new
- product that changes lives.
- Right. Now explain
these to me. Oh, those are my new wrenches.
I got those free for sitting
through a 20-minute
presentation.
Oh, I get it now.
It's a scam.
No, no, no, no, no,
it's not a scam at all.
I also had reservations in the
beginning, but these super
berries grow in the Andes
mountains, okay?
Alpacas can survive entire
winters on this shit.
Oh, shit! So it's like a
super berry, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Now what kind of superpowers
are you talking about? Like, do you
survive the winter? Great question.
So is that the only super
power you get, surviving
winters?
Because I've survived many
winters without these berries.
No, I think I have an answer
for all of this stuff, okay?
Okay.
Charlie, allow me
to demonstrate.
Oh, you got a thing here.
Come over here and hold
on to these.
Now, this machine is gonna
measure the level of toxins
in your body caused by stress.
All right. Where do I put
my feet?
Wherever you want.
I'm gonna put them on
the stool.
Great. It doesn't matter.
Okay, here we go.
120, 140, 157.
Oh, shit, Charlie. 157?
Is that bad?
Yeah, it's not good.
Guys, I got 157.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
157 what?
Units.
Units, dude.
Units of what?
Units of stress!
Ah!
You're very, very high
in your...
That's a lot of units!
...in your stress unit.
But don't even worry, because
Invigaron can help you.
These berries are chock-full
of antioxidants and
phytonutrients.
Oh, thank God.
All right, I'm sold. I'm in.
Of course you're buying it,
because you're as big of an
idiot as she is.
You're getting scammed, Dee!
It's not a scam!
You walked into a room that
you could have walked out of
with a free set of golf club
but instead you got got.
Hey, I say we get ourselves
a new pair of golf clubs, huh?
Yeah, well, we won't get got
though.
We gonna get. See, Dee, people like
us, we don't get got. We go get.
That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.
No way.
Hey-oh! All right, Charlie, I
signed you up for the gold
member starter kit, okay?
Good. Yeah.
Yeah. You know what's
in here?
Two cases of the juice, four
packs of the energy gel.
Nice.
There's a box of shake mix,
and I think they threw in a
bunch of protein...
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
What are you doing, Charlie?!
What?
What are you doing?!
I'm drinking the berry juice
to save my life.
This is not about berries,
all right?
You sell it. This is a whole
moneymaking system, okay?
That's what Invigaron is.
It's-it's about money,
and it's about, you know,
"wealth creation through-through
the use of antioxidants,
powerful antioxidants."
Yeah, uh-huh.
And, you know, we're going
to "redefine success and-and
change the world."
You know what?
All those words are, like,
stressing me out, Dee.
And I can't get more str...
I'm at 157!
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm a little confused as well.
Uh, I don't have a firm grasp
on exactly how this...
It's confusing stuff.
Where the hell is Frank?
Where the hell is Frank?
He can help us.
He's, like, a business genius.
I don't know where he is.
He didn't come home this
morning.
He took off last night.
He said he had some dream
or something.
And, like, he woke up, he's
like, "Ah, Charlie, I got to
get to the playground."
And he shot out of here.
Why is he at the playground?
I don't know.
He told me not to come.
Well, we got to go
figure it out.
He can help explain all this.
Yeah, he's good with stuff
like this.
We're not.
All right, all right,
let's do it.
I'm drinking this one though.
Yeah, but don't open any more.
Frank?
Huh?
What is this? You're stuck?
Was this your plan?
No.
What is this?
How did this happen?
How does anything happen,
Charlie?
Move past it, will ya?
I'm afraid that's going
to be impossible.
Yeah. Where are your clothes?
Why are you naked and stuck
in a coil?
Just get me out of here.
All right, well, first
we should do the
thing because..
Yeah. Charlie and I have
a couple of business questions
we wanted to ask you first.
What? Deandra, don't
dick around.
Get me out of here!
Look, I'll be quick, okay?
Now, Charlie and I have recently
come into a rare business
opportunity, and we were hoping
you could clear a couple things
up for us.
Can you look at that?
It's a pyramid scheme.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a reverse funnel system.
Turn it upside down.
Oh, shit!
Goddamn it! Shit!
All right, you've been duped,
suckers.
You're the sucker, okay?
You're naked and you're stuck
in a coil! All right, calm down, calm down.
Look, Frank is there any way,
you know, to get out of one
of these schemes?
All right, what you got to do
is round up a couple of suckers
and get 'em hooked.
Dummies with deep pockets
are the best.
What about Ben the Soldier?
Well, he's as dumb as
you can get.
Yeah. He's dumb as bricks, that guy.
He's so stupid.
All right, let's do it.
That's good.
We'll get him, and I'll get,
like, a pulley or a rope, and
we'll just yank you out of there
or something, all right?
Get me out of here.
Yeah. Hold on, hold on.
Charlie, whoa, think about this.
If we get him out of there,
how do we know he's gonna keep
helping us?
Well, what do you mean?
If we get him out of there,
he might scam us further.
We don't know.
He's a business mastermind.
I don't know what he's got
going on.
Shit, that's a good point.
I mean, what's he doing
in that coil, you know
what I mean? He wouldn't say.
He could be up to something.
I say we leave him stuck in
there just for a few more days
so we can leverage him for
business advice...
Right. We keep him contained.
That's right.
If we need questions,
we just go to him.
That's right.
All right, all right.
Hey, uh, Frank, we'll be
back in a couple days to help
you out, okay, buddy?
No, no, no, no!
Deandra, I don't have a
couple of days!
It's Saturday coming up.
There's gonna be kids here!
Hey, guys.
You here for the presentation?
I'm Harris Marder.
Save it, bozo.
We're here for the free
golf clubs.
You got exactly 20 minutes
to do your little song
and dance.
We're just gonna tune out, so
why don't you give us a wave
when you're finished.
Or don't.
What's the point?
I'd just be wasting my time.
I mean, obviously,
you two are smart. 19 minutes and 50
seconds, clown. Don't get me wrong.
Invigaron is great, but you got
to put in the hours.
You fellows strike me more as
men of leisure.
Obviously.
Well, we are.
Yeah, I mean, this guy's got
the Hawaiian shirt, you with
the killer tan.
Bet it's killing you guys
to be stuck indoors on a
beautiful day like today.
It is. So less yapping,
more golf clubs please.
Yeah, I get it.
And you know what?
Because you guys are such great
sports, I'm gonna throw in a
coupon for a free round of golf
at the Dusty Dunes Resort
in Orlando.
You guys been to Florida?
Been there? Not physically.
If you want, I can set you
up with one of their private
villas.
Private villa.
Whatever. That's pretty nice.
Look at that.
Oh, it is nice.
Did you know that the average
rate for a hotel room 30 years
ago was $19?
Today it's $237.
That's a 1,300% increase.
So it's not inconceivable to
think that in another 30 years,
a week at a hotel runs you
20 grand.
That's not inconceivable.
That's... crazy. That's very,
very conceivable. Really?
Okay, but not for you guys.
You'll be locked in at $1,400
annually.
Wait. We would be?
Yeah. I'm not talking about
taking a vacation, guys.
I'm talking about owning
a vacation.
And, look, if you're still not
comfortable with the numbers,
you just double down.
You get two weeks, sell
that second week, boom, you're
vacationing for free.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
Mac, I think this guy just bent
himself over a barrel
a little bit.
He did?
Yeah, for our pleasure.
Follow me here.
Okay, so if we buy a second
week, and we sell that, we're
vacationing for free.
What happens if we buy
a third week and sell that?
We're getting paid
to vacation!
Oh, shit!
You guys, I... I've actually
never thought of it like that.
I know!
I'm not sure I can make that
deal.
The deal's locked in.
Deal's done.
I'm gonna write in "three..."
Write in "three weeks."
Three here... that's done!
Yeah, right?
Put three on...
You got got!
You thought we were a bunch of
suckers, but guess what?
Oh, God.
We're not.
We just bought three weeks of a
time-share.
So you did.
Not a great turnout.
No, not-not a great turnout.
You know why?
Nobody gives a shit about free
soup, Charlie.
People want golf clubs and
concert tickets.
Don't knock the soup, all
right? Da'Maniac's here.
He's sucked down, like, three
bowls of it.
Yeah, he is here.
And why is he here, Charlie?
Well...
Nobody wants to buy something
from a deranged wrestler.
Why would you invite him?
I didn't invite him.
He just drifted in.
I guess he was...
Just looking for soup.
...looking for free soup,
yeah, free soup.
All right.
You know, drifters...
All right, let's just get it
going, all right?
Yeah. Hello, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming
today.
Each one of you has been
hand-selected to potentially
join our Invigaron team.
"What is Invigaron?" you may be
asking.
Charlie?
Hello, everyone.
I'm Dee, and this is Charlie.
And as you can tell by our
huge mansion, we're insanely
loaded. But it wasn't always this way.
We used to be losers, like all
of you people. And then we discovered
the Invig...
Invigaron!
And it all starts with the
berries. The berries are the most delici...
I'm sure you're all excited
to learn more about the
Invigaron system.
What the hell happened to my
part, Dee?
Yeah, I had to do some
reshoots.
You are way too hung up on the
berries.
The success of the Invigaron
system is largely due to the
simplicity of its origins.
Using a multi-tiered
distribu...
...multi-level market...
...the Invigaron system...
...multi-level...
Invig...
I'm Andy, proud owner of my
own mountain, where...
Did a couple reshoots of my own.
Proud owner of my own mountain,
where I'm a magical bean farmer.
Berries!♪
Does the sophisticated
business model of Invigaron
confuse you?
You don't need to understand how
Invigaron works, because
somebody above you does.
So ask less questions, and make
more money.
There we go.
Okay.
Well, I wasn't quite
finished, there's...
Still not convinced?
Well, guess what?
The Invigaron system is also a
pyramid scheme.
"What's a pyramid scheme?" you
ask.
All right, basically a house
of cards where the dickheads at
the bottom do all the work, and
give all the money to the smart
guys up at the top.
All right? Now, will you get... Don't
just be successful. Be berry...
You won't need a pot of gold.
But still amazingly badass...
So do...
There we go.
All right, any questions?
I have a question.
Uh, how do I get in on this?
Uh, you probably don't,
because you need money.
Ben, how many boxes am I gonna
put you down for?
I don't really understand
what I'm buying.
You saw the video.
Was the video not clear?
The video was pretty clear,
Charlie.
You think maybe it's your
stress?
Do you want to check your
photon levels?
Oh. Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, you could be stressed.
It... okay.
Here you go.
Okay.
Uh, where should I put my feet?
Dee, where do his feet go?
The feet go wherever.
What is it with the feet?
Thank you for this business
opportunity.
I will not let you down.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sir, you need to pay for the
product, you can't just take it
out of here.
Roger!
Roger that.
He's just... he's just
leaving the bar.
He just stole the berries. That's not g...
Oh!
Oh, 107.
Hey, man, that's pretty good.
What? Don't...
Healthy guy over here.
Charlie, no, that's terrible.
He's very stressed out and he
needs to buy the product and eat
the berries.
Oh, shit!
I-I'm sorry. Um, I don't think this is for me.
Oh, goddamn it!
If 107's bad, I got to eat
more berries.
Stop eating berries!
You've had enough berries!
I just don't understand.
Is it a sexual thing?
No, just get me the hell out!
It doesn't matter!
Matters to me; I don't
think I can move past it.
We came here for a reason.
Let's just jump into it, all
right?
All right.
Frank, we have a very
exciting real estate opportunity for
you in sunny Orlando, Florida. Yes.
How would you like to spend one
week out of the year living the
high life at your own private
villa at the Dusty Dunes Resort?
You guys bought a time-share?
Well, yeah.
Yeah. How can you all be so gullible?
No, no, no, no.
No, this is different, Frank.
This is different.
Tell him.
This asshole tried to sell us
one week.
We took the prick for three.
You did?
You took him for three weeks?
Dennis thought of it.
You think he didn't want to
sell you as many weeks as
possible?
No, I don't think he...
I told you that might have
been a concern, I...
No, I know, but I...
The whole way over, you said
that's...
All right, fine.
Well, look, I didn't come here
to be criticized by a man stuck
in a coil!
Are you gonna buy a week or not?
No, I'm not that stupid.
We don't need this.
We're out of here, Frank.
Screw you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I-I-I can help you.
Yeah?
I can help you. Yeah.
Help us how?
I'll give you a premium lead
on a deep-pocket dummy.
Premium lead?
That's business talk.
We need premium leads.
Yeah. Who? You promise to get me out of here?
Yeah, yeah, Frank, we
promise.
What do you think, we're
gonna leave you in a coil?
Give us a name.
Ben the Soldier.
All right?
Ben the Soldier, huh?
Yeah.
Well, yeah...
That's pretty good.
It is?
Yeah.
He's very, very dumb.
I mean, think about it.
He went over there, probably
saw some pretty serious carnage.
He's gonna have some bad PTSD.
If we trigger that, he'll be
putty in our hands.
Right, whatever.
Okay, get me out of here.
No.
Nah. Nah.
Nah.
No.
Wait, whoa, whoa. Where you going?
You just got got, Frank.
Yeah.
Uh, you played your hand a
little too early, sucker.
We'll come back when we need
you again.
That's called leverage.
Right.
That's business talk.
Yeah, thought you were good
at that stuff.
The kids are coming! What...
I know.
The kids!
The kids will be here!
Now listen.
We just need to trigger his PTSD
a little bit, all right?
Get him all jumbled up.
Couple of sudden movements.
Loud noises.
Exactly.
Hey!
Hey!
Ben!
It's so good to see you, man.
How are you?
Come on in.
Have a seat on the couch, why
don't you?
Okay.
All right.
Oh, my God!
Hi.
Da'Maniac.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing here?
Well, I've come for the
presentation.
Gonna be really cool, huh?
Oh, it's... it's sort of...
geared specifically towards Ben,
so...
I like him, too.
He a good guy, huh?
Nice to see you.
Yeah.
That's good.
He's coming in.
Hey, Ben.
How you doing?
All right, let's just, uh...
Okay, uh...
All right, listen, so, Ben...
Um, we would like to offer you a
week's stay in our time-share
condominium in Florida.
It's an amazing property.
I mean, when we first saw it, we
were like, "Boom!"
Sometimes, loud noises make
the squirrels go in my head, and
I-I don't fight in the ring
anymore, but I still fight with
the demons in Da'Maniac's head.
All right, well, we'll-we'll
try to be a little bit more
sensitive to that.
I... Yeah.
Um, and we'll keep our voices
down from here on out.
Yeah. Uh, Ben, should we talk numbers?
Oh, I don't know.
Um, and it sounds really nice,
but I'm not trying to make any
business decisions.
I have a 107 stress level.
Ooh.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be here.
I-I have to go.
Well, wait, Ben, stop. Ben...
Don't go, Ben.
No, the sunshine state.
Oh, uh, I'm in.
Oh, no. Well, no. See, Maniac, it's
very expensive. It's, like, $1,400.
Sold to the Maniac for $1,400.
Really?
You know why? 'Cause I can
pay you in Invigaron.
I don't think you're quite
understanding.
Uh, this involves you giving us
cash, not a product that we
would then sell.
Sure.
See, we need cash money.
Oh, you're...
We're on the same page.
Okay.
I don't even understand what
he's talking about.
Yeah. Hold on one second.
No, take your time.
Listen, I think we might have
been wrong about Dee and
Charlie's little investment.
I mean, they're out there moving
berries like crazy.
If those bozos can do it, think
how many you and I can sell.
We could flip 'em, like, ten
times over.
That's what I'm saying.
So I say we swindle Da'Maniac
while we got him here.
Let's get in on Dee and
Charlie's little game.
Smart.
Pyramid scheme and a time-share?
We're diversifying our
portfolio.
That's the thing.
Okay, all right. Hey, Maniac?
Yeah.
Hey, you just got yourself a
deal.
We're in business together?
Yeah.
That's so cool.
I'm gonna go grab my stuff, and
then, if you wouldn't mind,
could you show me which room is
mine?
I'd like a big room, if you
don't mind.
We're gonna have so much fun.
Invigaron.
Uh... is-is he under the
impression that our apartment is
the time-share?
It would appear so.
Okay, you know what?
We'll deal with that later.
Let focus on getting Ben to
crack.
All right, now, between
Da'Maniac stealing our berries
and these night vision goggles,
we're in a bit of a hole, so
we got to make this count.
Okay. What's the plan
exactly?
We're gonna trigger Ben's
PTSD, all right?
We bust in like Navy SEALs,
zip-tie his hands, bag over his
head, and then we bash him till
he buys.
PTSD-- that's so brilliant.
How's Frank come up with that
stuff?
What can you say?
He knows business.
Okay, ready?
Locked and loaded?
All right.
Let's go, Charlie.
Let's move.
Oh, oh, oh!
Hey! What the hell are you guys doing here?
We were gonna try and trigger
Ben's PTSD and make him buy our
shit.
Good luck.
We've been at it all night.
We broke in here, looking like
Arabs, screaming at him.
The guy's rock solid. Why did you dress
him like Ebenezer Scrooge? Yeah.
He was actually dressed like
at when we got here.
He's clearly got some issues.
I just don't know that PTSD is
one of them.
Yeah, we've been watching
violent war movies all night to
remind him of the carnage that
he saw in combat.
I didn't see any carnage.
Um, I actually had a good time
during the war.
I got to travel the world, uh,
try new, exotic cuisines.
Well, I'm a computer programmer.
What?!
Goddamn it!
Frank told us this dummy was the
key to digging ourselves out of
our financial debt.
What?
Frank told us the same thing.
Well, that's interesting.
So, we're all here doing this
because of Frank.
See, I told you he was up to
something.
Hold on a second.
Getting all naked and cramming
yourself into a coil-- that's a
pretty good distraction, right?
Right?
Yeah, and think about it.
He didn't tell us why he was in
that coil.
No, no, no.
I just assumed that he went down
there to pound off in the
nighttime.
Yeah, right, right.
Yeah, me, too. Me, too.
But now I'm absolutely sure
he had an agenda.
I bet he was never stuck in
that coil at all.
He's been at the top of the
pyramid the whole time just
gathering our cash.
Oh, right, right, or at the
bottom of the funnel.
I'm not sure which way it works.
Bottom of the funnel, top of
the-- they're the same thing.
Yeah, well, I bet you when we
go down there, he's not even in
there, is he?
No. Hell, no, he's not in
that coil, but I know exactly
where he will be.
All right, everyone, we have
a new addition to the platinum
sales staff, and let me just
tell you something.
This guy is an absolute dynamo.
Scam! This guy's a liar!
You guys are getting scammed!
You're getting scammed!
Pyramid! Pyramid!
Rape! Rape! Rape! Rape! Rape!
Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on here?
Well, I'll tell you what's
going on.
We are saving these people from
years of financial rape.
Oh, hey, if you want out of
Invigaron, all you have to do is
say so.
Wait.
I do?
Huh?
Look, you just, uh, sign this
release form, pay a $200 penalty
fee, your down line will shift
up to me, and then you're free
and clear.
That's it? All you got to do
is sign the document?
Can we do that?
Yeah, does that mean we're
out of the time-share?
Oh, no, no, I'm afraid I
can't help you there.
Those contracts are ironclad.
I'm just relieved you didn't see
the old opt-out clause.
Wait a second.
He just subtly motioned to this
document here-- opt-out.
Oh, no.
Oh, crap, I've said too much.
"Buyer may opt out of the
contract within 72 hours for
one-time cancellation fee of
only $2,000."
You figured it out.
Oh, you fool. I have...
You didn't think we were gonna see
this, but we outsmarted you. Yeah.
We're a couple of foxes.
All right, you got got!
So suck on that little piece
of sweetness.
You also wrote
"faced" in the memo. Ha! Nice!
Should have known better than
to get involved with a couple
sharks like you two.
You should have. We're just
glad we're out from under Frank.
Yeah.
Who's Frank?
Oh, "Who's Frank?" he says.
Like he doesn't know.
Come on, everybody.
Frank's the guy who's behind all
this; Frank is the mastermind
in the coil.
I sincerely have no idea what
you're talking about.
Oh, sure you don't, buddy.
Well, guess what?
He might not 'cause Frank...
Uh-oh. Oh, shit.
Oh, you thought we came in mad.
Wait till you see what this
monster has to say.
This guy?
What are you talking about?
This guy's the best salesman
I got.
Da'Maniac?
Yeah. He's already got 30
people under him.
I got to thank you all so
much for hooking me up with that
army guy. I got his whole platoon
selling for me. Wait a sec.
Da'Maniac's on my down line.
Yup.
I'm rich. I'm rich.
Oh!
You got got!
You got got! You got got!
Oh, whoa, one second.
One second, guys.
Actually, he's in my down line.
You just bought out, remember?
Shoot!
No, you... Oh!
This guy's good.
Oh, yeah. You know, sorry.
I want to get this stuff done
here, and then I'll meet you
back at our time-share, huh?
Okay.
Now, what's going on there?
Is he, like, living with you
guys, or...?
Yeah.
He's... It's-it's a whole
thing. Just move past it.
That's a hard thing to move
past.
Yeah, doesn't know what
time-share is.
All right, but hold on a
second, hold on a second.
Is Frank still the mastermind?
I don't get it.
Is he still in the coil?
No, he's not still in the
coil.
Come on, guys, he's definitely
still behind this.
He's probably down in Orlando
enjoying that time-share.
He's long gone.
Right. Wherever he is, he's
having a real good time.
Hey! Hey, easy, easy, easy.
I gotta get out of here!
Get me out of here!
Get me out of here!