It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Mac Day - full transcript

Each member of the gang gets a day to do what they want while the others must participate. Mac's Day involves him and his cousin, known as "Country Mac", doing things that are bad ass. But while the gang grows tired of Mac's antics, they soon begin to scheme to replace Mac with Country Mac.

A reading from the Holy Bible.

Genesis, chapter one. "God created
the heaven and the earth,

and the earth was without form
and void, and darkness was

- upon the face of the deep..."
Hey, buddy, do we

have to be kneeling
this entire time?

- Yeah, this is not comfortable.
- I mean, it's gonna get uncomfortable.

Yes, you need to be kneeling. It's 11:58,
and Mac Day's about to officially start.

I want there to be ceremony.

Are we gonna be in the
dark the whole time?

My goodness, this is a
lot of complaining.

Charlie, can you please
remind everyone of the rules?

We are about to
officially begin Mac Day.

For the entirety of this day, we will
forced to do everything Mac wants us to do.

And if anyone is
caught complaining?

An extra day is
added to Mac Day.

If you cannot resist
the urge to complain,

you are allowed one scream a day to the
ceremonial screaming pillow. That's right.

Charlie, when it was your day,

for goblins for ten hours
straight?

Well, ghouls, and, no,
they didn't complain,

- 'cause we found three. It was
pretty sweet. - We found none.

- Yeah?
- We found no ghouls, we found no goblins,

- we found no gremlins, because
they don't exist. - Well...

Guys, this whole thing was
meant to bring us closer together,

and by the end of it, you're gonna
feel a little bit closer to me,

- and if I've done my job right, a
little bit closer to God. - Yes.

Because I've modeled my day after
the seven days of God's creation,

making my one day feel
like an entire week.

- Oh!
- Come on, man.

- Really?
- For crying out loud, my knees are...

Three, two, one, begin!

On the first day, God
said, "Let there be...

Mac."

Seven straight hours
of lecturing?

Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to
the evils of homosexuality... from him?

Did anyone else notice that he
had an erection the entire time?

- Of course.
- How could you miss it?

- I mean, it was, like, shooting...
- It was right there.

Shh, shh, shh-- here he comes.

Okay, guys, I want to introduce
a new theme to the day.

So I'd like to infuse the religious
angle with the theme of badass.

And I quote once
again from Genesis.

"And God said, 'Let there be a
firmament in the midst of the waters,

and let it divide the
waters from the waters.'

And God made the firmament and
divided the waters which were

under the firmament from the waters
which were above the firmament.

And it was so."

- There you have it.
- There we have what?

Uh, the what...?
What are you saying?

It's water. I'm saying "water,"

'cause it said water, like, eight times.
So, it's water.

That's what the whole thing is--
water.

- Water what?
- Water and badass, badass and water.

- Ah.
- Yes!

We're doing a Project Badass
video over the Schuylkill River.

- Yes! Yes!
- Ah! - Yes!

- Ah.
- All right! Hey!

Do you guys hear the
motorcycle?

I have another special surprise. We
will be joined by my cousin all day!

- Your cousin?
- Yeah, my cousin from the country.

I haven't seen him in, like,
forever, but, guys, trust me.

He's, like, the second biggest badass
I know, so it's gonna be awesome.

Country Mac coming
to the big city.

- Country Mac!
- Hey, City Mac!

Holy shit, there's two of them.

Okay, I think I
like this framing.

I don't even know what
it is you want us to do.

Well, I'm gonna jump from the
Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

- What?!
- Yes!

- Holy shit! - What do you mean, from it?
- To the water?

- What?! - Yeah, I'm gonna jump from
the top of the bridge to the water.

Okay, I need you to act like
concerned citizens,

but I need this to
feel real, okay, guys?

So, I need you to be neutral about
the jumper prior to the jump,

'cause you don't know me.
You don't know this man.

But I need you to react
at the same time

because I need to draw the jump
in later to match your reaction.

You lost me there. What do
you mean, "Draw the jump?"

- You're not jumping?
- No, I'm not gonna jump.

Of course I wouldn't jump.

I draw it in later because
it's like a post effect.

Well, what's badass about that?

Your reaction is
badass, you know?

I want you to scream, "Badass!
You know, that dude is badass!

I've never seen anything as
badass as that." You know? Oh...

But don't say my name, 'cause
you don't know this man.

That's why it feels
real, you know?

Now, later, if you want to do,
like, a Rudy-type situation

where you carry me through the streets
of Philadelphia, you know, that's cool.

- We won't.
- I can put that in the schedule.

- It's not a post effect?
- No, that's a practical fect,

that would happen real, but
only if it's organic, you know?

- This is a goddamn mess, this whole thing's
a goddamn mess. - I'm lost, I'm lost.

You're not gonna be badass,
but you're gonna...

This is all sounding a little bit
like a complaint from you guys.

Who's complaining?! We don't
know what's going on!

We don't know you.

Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!
Mac! Mac! Mac!

- Badass! Badass! Badass!
- Badass! Badass!

All right, Country Mac, let's do...
Keep it going. Keep it going.

- All right.
- Let's do this! Let's do this!

Badass. Badass.

It's pretty high, it's good. It's
excellent, it's gonna be great.

You better jump quick before
somebody tries to stop you.

Trust me, no one's
gonna try and stop me.

Jump, asshole!

Yep. See, in the big city, nobody
cares whether you live or die.

Jump, you pussy!

All right, have a nice day.

Okay, so, I'm gonna
run to the end,

book as fast as I can to the
fence, climb up to the top, stop,

climb back down to safety. That's it.

- So, you're not gonna jump?
- I don't jump, okay?

Why does everybody think I jump?
Nobody jumps.

Evel Knievel didn't jump.
Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump.

Okay, this is big Hollywood
stuff, okay? Just stand back.

I don't want you to get hurt.
Let me handle it.

Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man
standing on the bridge.

- What?!
- Yes, he looks like...

- Look at that.
- His name is Mac.

- No, we don't know his name.
- We don't know it.

- Oh.
- His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.

That's what it was-- Rudy.

We don't know what his name is, and that's
okay, but we don't know each other.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like

- he may commit suicide.
- Ah!

- Oh!
- Suicide is badass.

- Right! - No, no, no, no,
Rudy's not trying to kill himself.

- We don't know his name.
- He just likes to jump, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Mac is the
one who's the badass, remember that.

Will you stop, stop, stop? Everybody stop.
Come on, guys. What are we doing?

- I don't know what we're doing.
- We got to get on the same page.

- It's so unclear. He gave us, like...
- Don't know what we're doing.

Well, whatever it is, we got
to get on the same page.

Otherwise, we're gonna have to
do it over and over and over...

- Did someone just go plop? - Looked like it.
- Someone just jumped. Someone jumped.

He jumped! That's it! He jumped, guys!
He jumped!

The day's over, the day's over.

Country Mac is gone, he's dead.
Let's get out of here.

- Look! Look, look, look!
- What? What? Oh.

- Whoa!
- Oh, holy shit!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, wow! Wow! - Whoa!

Well, how'd that look?

- Oh, amazing! All right!
- How did it look?

- How'd it look? Badass!
- It looked badass, dude.

I cannot believe you jumped.

- No, that's not really badass, guys.
- Whoa!

That's dangerous.

Um, can we put him on our shoulders
and parade him around like Rudy?

I'm feeling that now.
I want to do that.

- I'm feeling that now.
- Yeah, yeah...

No, no, no, no, no, I don't think
that's gonna work anymore.

That's not gonna fit into
our schedule, you know?

- I mean... I mean, it was your idea...
- No, we're very full. We're very full now.

This is not gonna play. We're
gonna move on to day four now.

Well, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You skipped day three.

Uh, day three is when God created
trees and grass and nature.

You know, kind of a bullshit
day, so we're gonna move on

to day four where God
created the stars.

If you look at the Orion constellation
and then track across to the Big Dipper,

you'll see a gaseous,
cloud-like area.

Okay, I'm gonna need
you guys to go ahead

and ignore everything that
this clown is saying.

God created the stars
5,000 years ago.

Uh, who has the pillow?
I need a pillow.

I think I thought of a way that we can
work day three into this experience.

No, we're on day four.

And, besides, there's no trees
or herbs in the planetarium.

- But there's herb.
- Hmm?

Who wants to smoke a "J"?

- Oh, shit. You brought weed?
- No, no, no, we're not smoking weed, okay?

It's still illegal in the
state of Pennsylvania.

- Puff, puff, pass, bitches.
- Yeah.

Yeah, come on, Mac, shut up.
I thought you were a badass.

There's nothing badass about
breaking the law, Charlie.

This is gonna make it
way more fun, dude.

This isn't about fun. It's
about fearing God, okay?

I'm trying to convert you guys.

Oh, my God, is that what this is about?
You're not gonna convert me in one day.

I don't believe in God.

Well, you should.
Because if you don't,

God will make a flood
or a famine, okay?

He will destroy you with tornadoes
and earthquakes and AIDS.

Where do you think AIDS came from?
Uh, hello, God's gift to the gays.

- Oh...
- Oh, my God.

You're gonna ruin
this high, dude.

Mac, I think you're a
little confused there.

I mean, yeah, sure,
bad things do happen.

- But what about sunsets?
- Oh...

- French kisses.
- Oh...

- The smell of rain.
- Yeah.

- That's why I believe in God.
- Yeah.

Not because of the things
that he takes away from us but

because of the things that he
gives to us.

- Oh... dude.
- Shit, dude.

You just ripped a
hole in my mind.

See, that's the God I-I...
I like that.

- I'm choosing that one.
- Excuse me, who's talking back there?

Shut up, science bitch.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, shut up, science bitch!

- Aw, dude, dude, dude.
- Come on, man. He just said it.

- He just said it.
- He just did it.

Oh. What the hell?

Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me
back, but I don't even give a shit.

Yes.

- Country Mac's awesome.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- This weed that he gave us is awesome.

- It's... Yes.
- Yeah.

All these years I've been
feeling like I hate karate.

And, like, I hate Project
Badass and, like...

- I hate God.
- Yes.

But, like...

I realize...

you know what I really hate...

- is Mac.
- Yes.

Like, he's made all
those cool things suck.

Not only is he, like, rui...
ning my life...

but with all this God
shit that he's into...

- he could be ruining my afterlife.
- Yes.

- I thought that one was gonna...
- Let me try.

- So...
- Yeah, I get that.

Okay, I feel like we got a little
bit off the rails back there,

but I'm ready to get back on.

Dude, did you guys see the way Country
Mac was riding his motorcycle?

- Yeah. Badass, dude!
- No, it was reckless once again.

- Come on, it was awesome!
- He was like Batman,

just zipping through the cars.

He beat us here by, like, an hour.

- Oh, I want to get a motorcycle, man.
- Dude, we should all get motorcycles!

Okay, that's enough! Okay?

Enough about Country Mac.
It's still my day.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

On the fifth day, God made fish,
so we'll just skip right past that.

Yeah, we'll skip that. You're
skipping a lot of days, dude.

Well, you can't fit it all into one day.
That's preposterous.

You're the one who came up with the
structure, so... that's preposterous.

All right, on the sixth day,

God created the beasts of the earth
and he made man in his own image.

And beholdeth...
the image of God.

Oh, shit.

Okay, everybody
grab some grease.

- Why? - Because we're gonna
grease up these beefcakes.

No! No! Come on! No!

- Take it easy, Frank.
- Frank, you better take it easy!

Listen! These guys work off their
beautiful glutes for our enjoyment, okay?

The least we can do is pay
them back in tan and grease.

- Greasing dudes.
- Yep.

- That's why we're here today.
- I ain't doing this!

About time you guys got here.

- Hey, there you are.
- Country Mac, man. Hey, bro.

Listen, dude, can you
get us out of here?

Yeah, you got to get
us out of here, man.

Get out of here?
I'm lovin' it.

I've been gettin' phone
numbers left and right.

Oh, sweet, there's chicks here?

Chicks? No. Dudes.

- I'm into dudes.
- Oh... you're gay.

Loud and proud, brother.
Loud and proud.

- Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that.
- There's nothing wrong with that.

Honestly, it's, like,
refreshing to hear.

You know what, happy
hunting, bro, get after it.

- Cool, cool, cool. I'll see you all
in a little bit. - Cool, yeah, yeah.

- See, he doesn't want us to grease
them, you know? - God, that's awesome.

- Because he wants them.
- It doe... Right.

- He wants them for himself.
- It's so much more comfortable

when someone's gay
and open about it.

And, like, I know we've never said
this as a group, but... Mac's gay.

- Yeah, Mac's gay.
- He's gay.

- He's gay.
- I mean... okay... smiles.

Hey! Hey! What's with
all the chitchat?

Legs and hammies are
drying up by the second.

We got stoned and
we're uncomfortable.

We're trying to deal
with the whole thing.

You guys need to start greasing some
dudes or I'm gonna freak out, all right?

I'm gonna freak out, and
I'm gonna add another day!

No, no, no. We'll grease,
we'll grease, we'll grease.

- Give me the grease.
- We'll grease the dudes and...

Okay, that's what
I like to hear.

But don't blow your wads
on these guys, okay?

I mean... We still have
the karate tournament.

- We're gonna watch you fight?
- Fight? No.

No, day seven is God's day
of rest and judgment.

So I'm gonna sit back and watch and
judge everybody else in the tournament.

Hey, Mac. I'm drying
up over here.

Sorry, Big Moe.
Sorry about that.

I'll be right there.
Get to work. Get to work.

- Grease 'em up, come on.
- Yeah, okay.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- All right, bud.
- He's got the boner again.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, at least this time
it makes sense, huh? - Hmm.

All right, listen.
I got an idea.

- Ooh, I don't know about this.
- This doesn't feel right.

No, this is good. This is
gonna be good for him.

I promise. This is the only way.
Oh! Hey.

I got you guys all
notebooks and pens.

We're gonna start with the yellow
belts 'cause it's an inferior class.

Actually, we've got a
surprise for you, Mac.

- Yeah. We signed you up.
You're competing. - Huh?

You're gonna go fight a guy.
A black belt actually.

- You're in the tournament. - No, no,
I-I don't think that's a good idea.

Mostly because I don't
have the right gear,

- and I'm not...
- You're wearing a gi.

- You are wearing a gi.
- Yeah, that is the gear.

- That's the only gear. - I notice
you're also wearing a black belt.

- Now, you are a black belt, correct?
- Um, not technicaly.

Um, only because I haven't
subscribed to one... discipline.

But you are good enough to fight
in a black belt tournament.

- 'Cause you're wearing a black belt.
- Of course.

Shit, Mac, you can do it. Just
go right for the guy's throat.

I know I can do it.

That's not the... I feel like you're
talking a lot throughout the day.

- I know I can do it.
- So if you can do it, then do it.

I'll sign up if Mac
doesn't want to.

I'm gonna do it. I said I was...
I was never not gonna do it.

- I'm excited.
- Yeah.

I-I'm really excited to see this, man.
You are gonna kick that guy's ass,

whoever he is.

- This is cruel.
- Oof.

- I can't watch it, you know?
- Trust me, this is for his own good.

If he doesn't face this
now, he never will.

Yeah, it's too bad, but he's
got to get his ass kicked.

Yep. It's time for this to end.

Hi.

Okay, now bow.

Not to me, Karate Kid, to him.

Oh.

- Bow.
- Bow.

Ready. Fight!

Block, point, Mac!

- Shit.
- Guys, did you see that?

I got a point! I got a point!

- Oh!
- Hell, no.

Oh!

That was badass!

He kicked the shit
out of that guy!

- Well, I got the actual point.
- Who cares? You lost.

- Country Mac won.
- Yeah, but it's about the art, okay?

Oh, the art.

You got your ass kicked--
that's what happened.

I scored an actual point in an
actual karate tournament and

against an actual black belt.

Country Mac beat the shit out of that
guy with a beer and his T-shirt.

Yeah, and where is he always
getting those beers, man?

- That's the most badass thing I've ever
seen. - Out of the blue, he gets a beer.

No, it's years of training
finally paying off,

and an uncontested black belt
point is the most badass...

Oh, my God, we're never gonna
hear the end of this.

Stop, stop!
Hold on a second, Mac.

No, no. Listen, you got your ass
kicked today-- that's what happened,

plain and simple. So I
want you to admit it.

Dennis, don't.
The day's almost over.

- We only have a couple of hours.
- No, n-n-n-no, Dee, we have a lifetime

of this to look forward to,
and I for one can't stand it.

You are not a badass, pal.

- Admit it to us right now.
- Get on your knees!

- You are not a badass!
- Oh, my God!

Hey, what's wrong with you, guy?

- You got a problem?
- You got the problem, asshole.

Look out!

Shit.

You bring a knife to a fight, you
better be ready to use it, you jabroni.

Just... don't come
back here, you punks.

Aw, you made him
look like a bitch!

- Holy shit.
- Nice... very nice.

Oh, you are badass, dude.

- How'd you know he had a knife on him?
- I gave him an ocular patdown.

Assessed the threat level.
Clocked a knife in his boot.

Huh! Holy shit.

Guys, I may have had a little
bit of an accident in my pants,

so I think I got to
change out of this gi.

He just gave that guy an ocular
patdown, and it actually worked.

It worked.

He made a lucky guess, and
he put us all in danger.

You made a poopy in your pants!

Did anybody else do a
poopoo in their pants?

- No. - Of course not.
- This is our head of security!

I don't need to
listen to this, okay?

I'm gonna change out of this gi and then
we're gonna keep going with the day, okay?

I have a series of lectures
that we're gonna get to.

- Go get the poop out of your pants.
- I can't wait for the lectures.

Goddamn, man.

The guy is in complete denial about
absolutely every aspect of his life.

And there is nothing
we can do about it.

- I say we switch him out.
- Huh?

Country Mac for Paddy's Mac.

- We send Mac to the country, bring
Country Mac here. - Yeah, to the bar.

That's not a bad idea. I mean, look, we'd
be safer with an actual badass in the bar.

We might actually become a little
bit more badass ourselves.

We would become more like
Country Mac, which'd be great.

We have a lot to learn from him.
We should all get motorcycles.

- And drink much more beer.
- And smoke more weed, you guys.

And get in fights and do all
those things.

- Can we make this happen before he
comes back out...? - Let's talk to him.

Hey, um... hey, Country Mac, can we just
talk to you for one quick second, buddy?

Um, listen, we were
just talking and, man,

we sure would like for you to stay with us.

I mean, like-like, stay with us
forever.

- Will you be part of our gang?
- Yep.

Uh... just "yep"?
Just, like... That's it?

You're not gonna give a speech or
lecture us or anything like that?

- No bossiness?
- No pontificating?

It's not my style.

I just go with the flow.

- Let the wind blow through my hair.
- Yeah.

Oh.

- Oh, wow.
- I love that guy.

Aw, look at him go.

Where's he even going?

I mean, the fact that we don't know where
he's going makes him all the more badass.

- Uh-oh. Whoops.
- Whoopsie.

- He fell, huh?
- Tipped over a little bit.

Ooh.

- He's probably okay, though, right?
- Well, yeah, he just... popped over.

A little-little bump. He's fine. He's
good, he's good, he's good, he's good.

Country Mac lived
a reckless life.

He wasn't the kind of guy that could score
a point in a black belt karate contest.

And it turns out, he
was totally queer.

Which, as we all know, is a sin.

And that, coupled with his
radical religious beliefs,

has most likely
landed him in Hell,

where he will burn
for all eternity.

So I will ask for a
moment of silence,

in which I will beg God's
forgiveness for Country Mac's evil,

homo ways, while simultaneously
doing a series of karate moves

that I know Country Mac
would've enjoyed so much.

Well, guys, I think the
real lesson here is that

- there's nothing badass about riding a
motorcycle without a helmet. - Right.

Plus, he was drunk all the time.

- Yeah.
- You know what's badass?

- Being alive.
- Yeah.

So, uh, what do we
do about this guy?

Namaste. Namaste.

Okay, we will now
pile into the car,

where we will go to the countryside
to leave Country Mac's ashes

in a place that
he loved so well.

Actually, we won't.

Because it's officially
Frank Day, so...

All right, Pee Country Mac.