It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Gun Fever Too: Still Hot - full transcript

Good morning, Philadelphia.

With us today is Frank Reynolds,

local business owner and a
man with a harrowing story.

That's right.

A few days ago, three
thugs tried to mug me.

And I want to be very
clear about something.

Um, Mr...
These pieces of garbage, they

don't know who the hell
they're dealing with.

Mr. Reynolds, excuse me.

Do you think maybe you could
eat that sandwich later?

I'm starving.

You don't have nothing
to eat in this show.

Let's get back to your story.

Right, so these punks...
Yes.

...I don't know if they
wanted money or they wanted

something more sexual.

Wow.

But it's a lucky thing
I had my pieces.

Your-your pieces?

My guns.

Oh, my.

Anyway, I started blasting.

Bah! Bah!

Now, I don't see so good, so I
missed, then they ran away, I

ran after them.

Okay.

Bang! Tried to shoot them in
the back, but I don't run so

good either.

Anyway, you guys all think I'm
a hero, and I'll accept that

responsibility.

Now, weren't you concerned
though that an innocent

bystander may have...
Look, crime in this city is

out of control.
Mm.

Thank God I went down to
Gunther's Guns and picked up a

spare.
I don't think one would've done

it. I'm gonna go out and
buy some more. Okay.

And I think you should, too.
Don't be a victim.

- It's time to fight back.
- This is crazy.

- Completely insane.
- Oh, it's driving

- me nuts.
- The whole gun thing,

it just makes me really hot.
Yeah, well, it's a hot issue

and I'm getting hot about it,
too.

This is good, we're all hot
at the same time.

We should do something about...
I mean, our schools aren't

safe.
There are people out on the

streets with assault rifles?
We're living in constant

fear!
Aw, guys, we got to get more

guns on the streets!
Yeah!

Wait, what?
We got to get more guns onto

the streets.
Yeah, we got to get guns in

the right hands.
I mean, we're just not safe.

That's what you guys are hot
about?

Yeah, didn't you hear what
Frank said?

Yeah, what are you hot about?
There are too many guns on

the streets as it is.
Guns off the streets is what we

need.
It's way too easy for anybody

to just walk into a store and
get a gun.

No, it's not.
It getting harder and harder.

The government's trying to take
our guns away.

It's way harder than you think,
dude.

Guys, we're hot about the
complete opposite.

Shoot.
Which is a bummer, 'cause I

thought we were on the same page
for once.

Still very hot though.

Yeah. Oh, I'm even hotter if I'm being honest.
Still hot.

Good call on these
outfits, dude.

It's the only call.

You know what I mean?

Like, you need a guy in a school

that even from a mile away, the
school shooter sees that guy

and says, "Uh-uh."

"I ain't messing
with that dude."

"I'm not messing with that
dude.

I'm not going near that school."
Uh, gentlemen, I

understand that you would
like to...

You... How-how did you find me?
Oh, shit, I know this dude.

Who-Who's this?
This guy was the principal at

the high school where I was
doing the janitor thing.

Yeah.
Right, so why are you at a

middle school now?
Well, I was... I was

transferred.
See, I have tenure, so they

couldn't actually fire me, which
was, of course, their first

choice, thanks to you.
Well, let's not throw barbs

at each other.
Look, we're actually here for a

good cause.
We want to protect this school.

Oh.
Yeah, we want to be the armed

security guards.
Yeah, I brought a piece.

We're good.
Hey, hey, hey, no, no!

Calm yourself.
No, you got to put... no...

It's not currently loaded.
That's not the...

Just put it away.
I hear you, buddy.

I would not want to be around
this guy with a gun either.

He has got a hair trigger.
I mean, one little move and

he'll just start blasting.
Uh, bullshit.

Look, the point is he
shouldn't have a gun in a school

in the first place anyway.
No.

Guns just do not belong in
schools.

No, they do not.
That is why I brought along a

saber.
Aw, Jesus Christ.

Which is just about the most
ridiculous thing I've ever seen

in my life, because how are you
gonna stop a gunman with that?

Bro...
He's gonna get you from a

distance.
If I come at you, I'll get to

you faster.
We have been arguing about this

all day.
Because it's insanity.

Ooh, maybe you can be
the judge.

I don't want... What?
Here we go.

I'm gonna holster my weapon,
he'll holster his weapon.

No, we, no...
I'll do, like, a one, two,

three count, you tell us who
goes faster.

Please don't do this in here.
Look, dude, this is the only

way to tell, okay?
And then we can protect your

school, but we got to go one
step at a time, all right?

I mean, for God's sake...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry, sorry.
Look out!

Ah.

I guess I do have a hair
trigger, huh?

Yeah.
All right.

Look at all these maniacs.
Goddamn bloodthirsty freaks

walking in off the street.
So easy for anybody to just

waltz in and buy a gun.
Let's do it.

Let's buy assault rifles and
just prove to Mac and Charlie

how easy it is.
Oh, we're gonna, we're gonna.

That's what we'll do.
Hi, how are you, sir?

Howdy, I'm Gunther.
What can I do for you?

Oh, Gunther himself, purveyor
of destruction.

I would like to buy a man
destroyer from you, please.

Yeah, nice to meet you,
Gunther.

Hey, maybe you could recommend
something that could blow a hole

through an elephant, you know.
'Cause I need that for my home

protection.
Yeah.

I guess you're looking at an
AR-15.

Oh, look at that.
Yeah, that's great.

Now, theoretically, Gunther,
would I be able to slaughter a

roomful of innocent people
with that weapon?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Brother, that'd be on you.

That would be on me, wouldn't
it?

Yeah, that wouldn't be on you
at all.

But here you go.
But here you go.

But here you go.
Okay, great, we'll take one of

those, please.
Yeah, we got it.

How much would that be?
Uh, that's $1,500.

Woof!
$1,500 for the privilege, okay.

Hey, what is your, uh, what
is your return policy there?

30 days, no charge.
All right.

Ooh, 30 days, sounds fair.
My goodness, Dennis, this feels

good.
Feels good in my hands.

Oh, good my kids are safe.

I saved everyone!
Yeah, my yard's protected.

So, of course, it feels good,
you know?

But that only proves our point
even more.

We'll take two of these,
Gunther.

Great.
I'll need your licenses for the

background checks.
Okay, yeah.

Yeah, you can drive, you can
kill!

Oh, Christ, look at this.

Oh, God.
Oh, shit, I love this guy.

...become a bit of a local
lightning rod in these gun

debates here.
Exactly.

Gun sales have skyrocketed.

We're running out of guns, and
we have to manufacture more

guns; supply is not
meeting the demand.

Can we...
can we cut?

Will my hands look this
small on the screen?

Uh, we're live, sir.

I thought the camera would add
ten pounds to my hands, and

I don't like the way they look.

Your hands look fine.

Put them down.

This is Jack Kelly.

He's my attorney.

He specializes in
Constitutional Law.

Our rights are being
infringed upon.

And people like my client
won't take it anymore.

The Constitution guarantees
our Second Amendment rights.

And these liberals like Al Gore,

they're trying to take that away

from us with this global
warming bullshit.

So, you see the two issues
as related somehow?

Damn right.

The government of today has no
right telling us how to live

our lives, because the
government of 200 years ago

already did.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

They also protected us from
tyranny against the seizure of

tasteful, artistic photographs
of beautiful bodies.

Not now, Jack.

That same government wants to

come into our home, tell us
what is and what is not art?

That's not right!

Okay, well, I'm gonna try
and, uh, keep things on track

here, so... Yeah.

Get out and get those guns
before they run out, and the

government changes the laws.

All right! Yeah!

These idiots are buying this?
It's crazy.

What is going on?
That was fast.

You've been denied.
What?

That's ludicrous.
Why?

It says here you have an
extensive history of felonious

behavior.
Oh, there have been

incidents, sure, yeah, a few
minor indiscretions, but,

you know, I-I'm simply a person
of interest in most of those

cases, all right?
Being wanted and being "wanted

for questioning" are very, very,
very different things, Gunther.

And you've been
institutionalized.

Me?
She... she... yeah.

What... I mean, one time, for
a short period of time.

That-that was against my will.
That doesn't even really count.

That's the only time it
counts, Dee.

Okay, look, it was, like, a
teeny thing that happened with a

college roommate.
It was really no big deal.

Uh, yeah.
Says here you burned her.

I burned her, yeah.
I burned her.

But...
She was so annoying.

I mean, it...
She deserved it, okay?

She was wearing my stuff, and
she was copying me, and...

You were copying her.
I was copying her, she was

copying me...
It doesn't matter.

Look, I'm sorry, but I can't
sell you the guns.

Oh, God.
Oh, well, look at you.

Oh, Gunther the morality king.
"Hi, I'm Gunther, I've never lit

anybody on fire before."
You know, you light one bitch on

fire, and everybody freaks out!
Oh, you son of a bitch.

It was one time and one thing,
I just...

All right, all right, all
right, relax, relax.

Okay, take it easy.

Look, there are other ways to
buy guns where people don't go

snooping around in your past.
Listen, pal...

you just made my list.
Your list?

Yeah, I have a...
Shh.

Whatever, let's just go.
Let's go.

How is that tasteless?
It's art.

Get that out.
Get that out.

You can't even see the child...
We'll be right back.

Weather, traffic and a trip
to the zoo, coming right up.

Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna
demonstrate to you how to thwart

an attack.
Mm-hmm.

Now, pretend that this dummy
is a school shooter.

Right.
I want you to stand back,

'cause I don't want you to get
hurt.

Before he can draw his weapon...
Hie-aught!

Hup, hut, hut!
Hie!

How awesome was that?
Well, yeah, that's-that's

pretty awesome, but I feel like
he would've shot you from a mile

away.
No, no, he wouldn't, because

you saw how I was zigzagging
like this and making sounds?

It was distracting.
Yeah, but did you ever see

Indiana Jones, where the guy
does the whole sword thing and

then he just shoots him dead?
Are you asking me if I've

seen Indiana Jones?
Are you seriously asking me?

I've seen that movie...
That is my...

You're not understanding.
Do you remember it?

Yes.
But if I were to come at you,

it's all about how I...

Okay, in that circumstance,
maybe you got there a little bit

faster.
I got you.

But if I...!
Okay.

I got you again.
But I... What if I zigzag

like this?
It's so easy to get you.

And that's... that's not
necessarily...

I don't think that that's...
Hold-hold on a second.

Look at this kid.
Ooh, he's wearing all black,

he's walking by himself.
What do you think he's doing

on that phone?
Oh, I'll tell you exactly

what he's doing.
He's playing one of those games

where you shoot everyone.
I'm gonna profile this guy

really quick.
Excuse us.

Yeah. Hey, kid, kid, kid.
Stop, stop.

Son, son, I'm sorry, hold
up, hold up.

What are you doing on the phone
there?

None of your business.

A sass-mouth, huh?
That's a red flag.

Son, you were asked a
question by an adult, okay?

You've been asked a question,
all right?

We're trying to ensafen your
school here, okay?

And you're acting like a punk?
Let me see the phone.

I want to see.
Oh! He's killing zombies!

I'm taking this.
What the hell, man?

Hey, kid, you're getting off
easy!

Now get to school.
Go to school.

Just know we're watching you.
Go to class.

Be careful.
Look.

This is a red flag.
These are the kids that are the

threats to society, the ones
playing the violent video games,

man.
I play violent video games.

Well, yeah, I also play
violent video games.

I watch violent movies.
Well, yeah, violent movies

are the best movies.
And I don't want to kill

people.
No, I mean...

All right, this...
Yeah, it's not really the best

way to tell, you know, who's
gonna be a threat or who's not

gonna...
What is going on out here?

Nothing, thanks to us, bro.
Well, are-are you stealing

kids' cell phones?
Stealing, sir? No.

I've been confiscating them as
potential evidence.

Are you aware that you're
holding children up with a gun

and-and a sword?
You just... you need to stay off

of school property.
Sir, we are not on the school

property, okay?
Yeah, we're outside of the

fence by, like...
We're on the sidewalk, see?

You need to stay 1,000 yards
away from school property.

I mean, we're trying to keep
the school safe!

I know, well, yeah.
Well, yeah, we would all feel a

lot safer if you were further
away.

All right, I'm taking this
guy out.

Hey, whoa, settle!
Settle, settle, settle!

Settle. Settle down.
Would you please stop

pointing that gun at me?

The school is safe, thanks
to us.

Here's the damn phone.
Well... please, just... if

you could just get away from the
school.

Get away from the children.
Hey!

Just-just stay away from the
children.

Have a good day, sir.
Thank you.

Have a good day.
Go.

We're leaving!
We're leaving, we're leaving.

We're leaving.
You know, Charlie, if we

can't be in the school zone,
maybe we need to train somebody

who can be.
You know, someone you'd never

suspect could stop a shooter.
I got an idea.

And here we are, Dee, at a
gun show, huh?

Lowest common denominator.
Is that a bazooka?

Insanely dangerous, this
place is.

It's crazy.
Oh, look at this guy right here.

He'll probably sell us a gun.
Excuse me, sir.

Um, I would like to buy a gun
from you.

Something that is unnecessarily
powerful, something you would

never need in Philadelphia.
Yeah, ooh, ooh, but you know

what you shouldn't do though,
is look into our very sketchy

pasts.
No.

Uh, it's not a problem.
We all got a sketchy past.

Oh, genuine creep. Wonderful.

Perfect.
Hey, sir, could you please sell

us this AR-15?
Yeah.

Uh, despite, you know, who or
what we plan to obliterate

with it.
And don't ask questions, okay?

No.
'Cause we just want to prove

to our friends how easy it is to
buy a high-capacity rifle.

Absolutely.
All right, man, great.

Hey, so give this guy his 1,500
bucks, and we'll just saunter

right out of here with a weapon
of mass extinction.

Three grand.
What? I'm sorry.

That's $3,000.
No, not for this.

No, for this, for this.
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

At Gunther's it's $1,500.
Oh, this ain't

Gunther's.
This a price gouge?

Oh, my.
That's illegal.

Oh, you see, I'm a private
seller.

That means I can do whatever I
want.

Shit.
Fine. That's fine.

We'll buy it, and we'll
return it.

All sales are final.
Come on!

I'll show you what's final,
you redneck son of a bitch!

I will burn you alive like the
last bitch who crossed me!

Okay, all right, all right,
Dee.

That's not getting us anywhere.
Okay, she's hot.

I went... I went hot real
fast; it just happened.

Well, our whole crew's been
hot lately.

We're trying to cool down, but
you're not making it any easier.

Mm-mm.
All right, listen, I want

this gun, pal.
Okay, I want it, because it's

easy to buy a gun.
And I need to prove that to

some people, so give me the gun
at a fair price, and do it now.

$4,000.
Shit!

Four thou...? $4,000?
Really?

I'll tell you what.

How about I just take it, huh?
'Cause I'm a maniac with a

gun, and there's nothing you
can do about it.

Oh. Oh, oh.
Okay.

Oh, okay.
Oops.

Putting the gun down now.
Okay, this is just a... just an

exercise, okay, to prove how
unsafe it is...

for everyone to have guns, okay?
But I see now that I was the

maniac with the gun.
And you all made it safer...

in here.
Yeah.

Good for you.
Our bad, our bad for this experiment.

Thank you for joining us.
I know you may not see yourself

as a solution to a
national problem.

You might not think you have
the ability, but, uh, believe

me, you were... you were
carefully selected.

And with a little hard work
and a whole lot of training, we

can help you keep your
school safe.

Are there any questions?
Yo, can I get some beer?

No beer.
No. We said it, like,

a million times.
Guys, guys, how many times do

we have to be through this?
No beer, okay?

All right, you know, you
can't drink beer and be

effective.
But you guys had, like, five.

Don't count beers, Carlos.
Not cool.

Yeah. And by the way, Carlos,
I've had six.

And I've had seven.
So don't be a rat, okay?

And if you are gonna be a
rat, get it right.

No more questions.
In fact, no more questions.

You guys are the ones that
asked for the questions.

Shut up, Carlos!
Carlos, shut up!

The time for questions is over.

It's now time for learning.
Okay? You're-you're impeding

on your own safety.
Okay, now my friend and I

have been arguing all day about
the efficacy of swords

versus guns.
Okay? So we met in

the middle.
Now if you look under your

seat, you'll see that each of
you has been provided a weapon

that you could easily find in
your own classroom.

Some of you may have
compasses, others,

sharp pencils.
Okay, there are forks in

the cafeteria, there's piano
wire from the music room.

You need to learn how to make
every single item in your

school a potentially
life-threatening weapon.

Look at the person
sitting next to you.

That person wants to take
you out.

Guys, safety is the name
of the game.

It's all about safety.
Let's take it slow.

We're gonna take this in a
safe and orderly fashion.

Are you ready to begin?
Okay.

And, guys, let's have
a little fun.

Shut it, shut it, shut it!

Those-those kids are maniacs!
Oh, my God, I think they're

all in gangs or something!
There's a lot of score settling

going on in there!
Oh, yeah, dude, we created

a HungerGames-type scenario
in there.

Imagine if they had guns!
Oh, it'd be a disaster!

An absolute disaster!
These kids are all too violent.

It's, like, ingrained in them
or something.

Oh, my God, dude, we've been
singing the wrong tune.

Society is getting more savage.
We need to get the weapons

out of their hands!
Maybe we should call the

cops, the only people who should
have guns!

They got to come in here,
they got to calm this down!

Oh! Oh, shit, Charlie, I got

to admit something, dude.
I'm bleeding pretty bad.

One of the kids got you?
I nicked myself back in the

principal's office just trying
to upholster my weapon.

Jesus, man.
I didn't want to say anything

'cause it was a little bit
embarrassing.

All right, can I go to

the hospital?
Yeah, let's go.

- Go, go, go, go, go.
- First

they disarm us, then they
oppress us.

So I want you to get
every gun you can buy and bring

it to 17th and JFK, and we're
gonna march on City Hall.

And bring whatever guests
you want, regardless of age or

whatever restriction the
government puts on our

expression of beauty.
Just get the guns and bring

them down to City Hall.
Well, you better believe I'll

be there.
I know you'll be there.

Bring your kid.
You have kids?

Yes, of course, of course.
Bring them.

I mean, come on.
He's really going off the deep

end, Dee.
I don't know.

I hate to admit it, Dennis, but
he's got a point, you know.

It doesn't seem like it's all
that easy to buy an assault

rifle.
No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you start with that shit,
Dee.

Well, I'm sorry.
It is incredibly easy to buy

assault rifle, and I'm gonna
prove to you how easy it is

right now.
Okay, here comes our guy.

Mm, mm. No.
Hi.

- Uh, you got my money?
- You got my

people-killer?
Right here.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.
That's the stuff, baby.

Now, I got $1,500, which is the
fair asking price.

I hope that's okay.
Yeah. Give it to me.

All right. There you go.
All right, now, I'm not really

totally comfortable rolling the
window down.

I'm sure you understand why, so
I'm just gonna pop the trunk and

you can, uh, you can throw it
in there, all right?

Back there?
Yeah.

In the trunk?
Yeah.

Okay, I got you.
You see how easy that is,

Dee?
You just give a man $1,500 and

he gives you an assault rifle.
Uh-oh. Ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

What? Where's he going?
Well, he appears to be

sauntering off.
Well, don't do... No.

Well, sir, I gave you the
$1,500.

Don't saunter away. I'm try...
That's not fair!

No, it's not fair!
You stop right now!

Listen, you stop in your tracks!
Uh, Dennis, go stop him.

Denni... Go stop...?
The man has an assault rifle!

What am I supposed to do?!
Shit!

I can't buy one!
The only thing that stops a

bad guy with a gun is a good guy
with a gun, which we can't get!

Goddamn son of a bitch Frank,
you were right!

Frank was right!
Shit!

Where's Frank? We're hot.
We're coming in super hot!

Where is Frank?!
Oh, you guys hot?

You guys are still hot?
The whole thing's hot, man!

Oh, yeah, I'm burning up
right now!

It's a crazy situation!
We're on your side now!

We got to get these guns off
the streets!

Boo-yah!
Wait, what? No, no.

Off the streets?
What are you, crazy?

We need the guns on the streets!
Everyone needs to have guns!

We need to flood the streets
with guns!

To stay safe.
Aw, shit.

I mean, I think, uh...
You know, I think we crossed

right past each other like ships
in the night, man.

We flip-flopped.
Yeah, 'cause we're on the

opposite side now.
That side makes no more sense

to me.
If we could've just met up,

like, two hours ago...
Oh, oh, there's Frank.

Hey, Frank!
Frank, is that a box of guns?

What is that?
Guns? No.

Water filters.
Water filters?

All right, guys, load 'em in.
Very nice.

Hey, Frank, why do you have a
truck full of water filters?

Uh, you know what, I don't give
a shit.

Let's get down to that rally,
man.

Rally?
Yeah.

Yes, the freedom rally.
The one you organized.

Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go
down there.

It's gonna be a bunch of nuts
with guns.

Too dangerous.
Wait, hold on a second.

What's going on?
I thought you were into guns.

You know, why have you been on
TV talking about all that shit?

I bought a stake in Gunther's
Guns.

I got everybody angry and
scared.

They bought the guns, I made a
fortune.

Oh, my God. This is crazy.
So you don't give a shit about

the gun issue at all?
Uh, uh...

I mean, what the hell?
You're like the NRA.

Yeah, a little bit like
the NRA.

Little tiny bit.
But I-I think of myself more

like Al Gore.
You know, he got everybody

worked up over global warming.
Then he made millions.

Huh?!
Yeah. Everybody does it.

Liberals, conservatives, doesn't
matter.

This is America: you're either a
duper or a dupee.

I'm a duper.
You guys are the dupees.

I got to go.
Where you going now?

With us now is local
community activist, Frank

Reynolds, with a
terrifying statistic.

Frank?

Yes. Thank you, Chet.

You're welcome.

Do you know that 90% of
your water is 100% toxins?

Who knows what the other 10% is?

It's probably far
worse, I would imagine.

It's really worse.

I have a water filter for you
that you need to put in every

single home.

It will protect you and
your entire family.

You can even give that
water to your babies.

Wow.

Well, babies, look out, because

this next segment
is just for you.

Don't turn that channel.

Your life may depend upon it.

Got to give it to him.

He is good.
That son of a bitch.

Goddamn.
Yeah.

I think I'm gonna get one of

those water filters.
I do kind of want one, right?

For safety, for safety.
I mean, he does make some

good points.
Yeah.

The water's toxic.
I mean, it is. Yeah.