It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - The Gang Broke Dee - full transcript

Dee embraces the desperate, self-loathing qualities the guys have beaten her into over the years, sending her stand-up comedy to unexpected places.

♪ When I'm too blind to see
And how you used the love

I give you... ♪
CHARLIE: Dee, what are

you doing?

DEE: I'm eating cake.

I can see that you're
eating cake, but that's Frank's

cake from, like, a month ago.

I threw that in the trash!

DENNIS: Oh, my God.

Seriously?

Yes!

Dee, you're eating
trash cake and smoking?

I mean, you know what
you look like?

You look like...

Like a bird?

Yeah. Yeah, of course you
look like a bird.

Yeah.

You always look like a bird.

But I was gonna say, uh,
you look like a...

Like a, like a bird lady
covered in bird shit

eating cake?

Dee, slow down, all right?

Yeah. Let the man do this.

Let me do my thing.

You're jumping on my thing here.

MAC: You know what she
looks like?

She looks like a bird
that has no...

A bird with no tits and no ass?

Dee, let us handle...

Yeah.

FRANK: I got one, I got one.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

She looks like...

Like a bird.

That was it.

Was that it?

Ah...

That was it.

See? That would have
been funny, Dee.

Right. Yeah, Dee, don't...

What are you doing?

You know, that's not fun.

Stop. Stop whatever this is.

I don't like it.

I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.

That's just sad.

Fight back at us.

What's the point?

The joke's always on me,
all right?

I get it.

Yeah, but it's no fun
unless you fight back.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go home.

Good, go home.

I hope you, uh...

You hope I get hit by a bus?

Dee, come on, that's...

What difference does it make?

I can't get any lower than
I am already.

I might as well just throw
myself in front of a bus

though, because I'm so ugly
I can't even get a bus

to hit on me.

Well.

Geez.

What the hell was that
all about?

I'll tell you exactly what
that was.

(door opens)
Dee? Dee, are you dead?

Did you kill yourself,
Dee, or...?

Ah.

Dee, why is your door unlocked?

Do you realize how unsafe
that is?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, Dee, this is
truly pathetic, and you are

really bringing us down,
so we're gonna help you out.

We realize we may be in some
ways responsible for the

state you're in.

Yeah, all right, so we got an
idea though, okay?

We're gonna sign you up for an
open mic night at a

comedy club!

Yes.

Right? That's your thing!

And we're actually gonna support
you, Dee.

And now that you don't care
anymore, you're not gonna

gag on stage.

Yeah, you know, you're right
in that sweet spot between,

like, suicidal and actually
dead, where most comedians,

they thrive there.

Yeah, what was that thing you
said about how the joke's always

on you?

That could be a catchphrase.

Dee, look, I don't want to
pile on here, 'cause you're

clearly very close to killing
yourself...

Yeah.

...but I got to say, I
totally disagree with the guys

on this.

I'm glad you've given up.

And I want to propose something
totally different: I would like

to find you a man.

Come on.

Yeah. A man to settle
down with.

Now, I'm not talking about a
smart man, not-not

a handsome man,
but a very, very average if not

below average man to take you
off of our hands forever.

Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

Go with it.

Go with it?

Which one?

You were not clear.

The thing. Whatever. Both.

I don't care.

Let's-let's do my plan.

The comedy plan.

Let's do our plan.

We're gonna do the comedy plan,
all right?

Meh.

(breathing into microphone)

(hushed): Dude, she is gonna

bomb so hard, and then she's
gonna feel worse.

(hushed): It's okay, dude.

She'll tell a couple jokes, and
then we'll, like, fake laugh

and stuff, you know?

And tomorrow we can shit
on her.

And she'll fight back and
be happy again.

Say something!

(listlessly): I decided
to stop showering.

(Frank laughs)
Too much, Frank, too much.

That's...

There was no joke told.

I just figured,
"What's the point?

I'm just a filthy person."

I passed out at the park the
other day, and a couple of kids

wrote, "Wash me" in the filth
on my vagina.

(laughter) Gross.

That was kind of funny, man.

That was kind of funny.

It was so gross.

It was gross.

Yeah, but that guy over
there laughed.

I guess, joke's on me.

(laughter)
There's the catchphrase.

Yeah, yeah! Ca...

Yeah, that's like a ca...

This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go select some men
for Dee.

This is a waste of time.

Um, I stepped in front of a
bus, but it missed me.

I can't even get a bus
to hit on me.

(laughter) People are laughing!

We love it!

For real.

For real?

Yeah!

Knock, knock, knock.

Can we say hi? There she is!

Comedy star.

Dee so funny.

Really funny.

Oh, my God, so funny.

Great! It was
absolutely great!

You did the bus joke, and it
was like...

They loved the catchphrase.

They loved the catchphrase!

And think about this, Dee.

You didn't even gag once.

Not one dry heave, nothing.

I guess I did pretty good.

Yeah, great!

"Pretty good," she said!

Dee, it was one of those shows
where you're, like, "Whoa!"

Oh, my goodness.

And then your brain
goes (makes explosion sound).

All right, guys,
will you stop, okay?

You're not helping.

Please, go get a drink,
all right?

Give us a second.

I need to talk to Dee.

We tried.

Yeah, you tried.

That was it.

Thanks, guys.

All right, listen,
listen to me.

Your set tonight was terrible.

It was atrocious.

Every single thing that came
out of your mouth was trash.

It was filth. It was disgusting.

That's what really happened,
okay?

I want to be very clear
about this.

Now, listen, I brought some men
for you to look at, all right?

I've got some selections.

Now, they're not great.

They're not, they're not anybody
to brag about, but, uh, you

know, they're men.

And they're probably willing to
spend their life with you, so...

Uh, hey, uh, sorry
to interrupt.

My name's Snyder, and I'm
a talent scout.

And I just caught your last set.

You were hilarious.

So I just wanted to give you
my card.

Give me a call.

No, she will not be calling
you, sir, okay?

Please do not encourage her.

Get out of here.

You're-you're interrupting my
work, all right?

You're not on my list
of chosen men.

Why would you be?

What are you...?

Christ.

What are you doing?

Why would you do that?

Come on, Dee.

That guy clearly just lurks
around these places pretending

to be a talent scout so he
can hit on women.

Now look-look at my selects,
all right?

Look at these guys, huh?

(Dee gasps) Yeah, I know.

This one's just, like, one
big chin.

Well, I didn't have a lot
to work with.

You know, here we are,
and look at you.

I mean, for Christ's sakes,
look.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I want this to work,
I really do.

So I know I can do better,
all right?

Can you do better, all right?

I'm gonna be at your house
tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m.

Have some new candidates
for you to look at, all right?

Okay.

This is gonna work.

This is not gonna work.

Let's get you cleaned up,
all right?

God, everything you did tonight
was so gross.

Dee, open up! Open!

You're locking your door
all of sudden?

What is that? Come on.

You care all of a sudden?

What? What?

Hey, let me in.

I got selections for you.

Now's not a good time.

I'm right in the middle
of something.

They're good selections.

Hey, it's the time I said,
so it's the time it'll be.

Now let me in. I got selects.

I don't care about
your selects.

Go!

What are you doing?

Are you hiding something?

No.

Is someone in there?

No, no. Don't worry about it.

Let me in or I'll barge in.

Hey, everything all right
over there, Dee?

Yeah, it's fine.

Oh, no.

Dee, oh... Oh!

Snyder?

Mm-hmm.

He's clearly using you.

Or you're using him to further
your nonexistent career.

I am not using him.

Oh, you're not using him?

Nope.

Oh, good, good, good, good.

So, you like him?

Mm-hmm.

Find him attractive?

Absolutely.

Describe the ways in which
you find him attractive.

(Dee scoffs)
He's got... he's got all of

his skin, still.

Well, I would hope so.

And that he has plenty of...

teeth to get...

But not all of them?

No, not all of them.

Hmm.

Dee, why can't you see that this
is the same pattern that you

always fall into?

Some guy uses you or you
use him.

And then you know what happens?

It's use, use, use, fail, fail,
fail, and then it's suicide.

You think you can't go any
lower?

Because you can.

Oh, yeah?

Well, he got me another gig for
tonight, boner.

What do you think of about that?

(making goofy noises)
What-what is that?

What are you... what are you
doing?

Sound effects.

Oh, goddamn, Dee.

You have no idea what's funny.

Don't do sound effects.

(Dee making goofy noises)
Don't do... don't... wh-what...

Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, hey, hey! Oh!

Hey, Dennis, oh, check this
place out.

This is legit.

Dude, dude, Dee's opening
for Landslide.

That guy's, like, the real deal.

I've never heard of him.

Mostly diarrhea jokes.

Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy,
but it look-looks like this

comedy stuff's paying off for
her.

Yeah, well...

Hey, you don't get a gig like
this by accident.

Oh, come on, don't get too
excited, all right?

She got the gig 'cause she's
banging some creep.

It's not gonna go well.

Who's the nerd?

Who, this guy? This is Walt.

Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem,
just like Dee, so they're

perfect for each other.

So after she bombs tonight, I'll
put them together, thereby

controlling the situation, and
her, as I always have and I

always will.

What?

Uh... Walt, just Walt-Walt's
the plan.

I'm Walt.

Yeah, shut up, Walt.

They know who you are.

I'm sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sweet
Dee Reynolds!

(crowd cheering) Sweet Dee!

(breathing into microphone)
Sweet Dee, joke's on you!

(laughter) She's got fans now?

Christ, come on.

So I finally broke down and I
took a shower the other day.

The stink flipped around and now
my soap smells like dirty vag.

(laughter)
She said "vagina."

A woman said "vagina."

That's what makes it funny!

Tasteless.

(robot voice): Vagina,
vagina.

Vagina, vagina.

(laughter) (making fart noises)

And the sound effects out of
absolutely nowhere, no setup.

But it's funny!

It's not funny, it's not funny.

It's funny, Dennis.

What are you doing?

Will you stop laughing, Walt?

Oh, my God, this is the worst.

People will laugh at absolutely
anything.

This is comedy?

(laughter)
So, men are just so hard.

Tell you what, they all walk
out on me.

Every one of them.

I can't even keep crabs in this
vagina.

(laughter)
They're all like, "Clickety

clackety, clickety clackety,
clickety clackety clack.

I got to get out of here!"
(robot voice): Evacuate vagina.

"Clickety clackety, clickety..."

(making machine gun noises)
The crabs have machine guns.

That makes sense.

All right, well, that's it
for me tonight.

I'd like to say it was fun, but
I've had a better time ripping

out my own pubes.

Shellac, shellac, rip!

(yelling wildly)
Ping, ping, ping, ow!

(laughter)
Okay, you guys, well, I'm Sweet

Dee, and the joke's on me!

(crowd cheering)
What is going on?

This is unbelievable.

Let's give it up for Landslide!

(crowd cheering)
Well, that was a funny white

bitch, wasn't it? (laughs)
Skinny though.

I took bigger dumps than her.

(making fart noises) (laughter)

It's a landslide!

Oh, my God.

I bet his diarrhea is nasty!

Nasty!

Oh, butts, vaginas and
diarrhea, great.

This is what the world's
come to.

(Charlie laughing) Hey, hey.

You're on the list?

The list? I'm-I'm Sweet Dee's
brother, so we're good.

Can't let you back there
unless you're on the list.

We got to be on that list.

This is fantastic.

I'm not on a list for a place
that I don't want to be.

You know how that feels?

Hey, Dee? Dee?

Uh, don't play this game, Dee.

I-I... We're five feet away from
you, I know you hear...

Deandra.

Dee. Dee.

Da.

Da.

Da.

Dah.

Dah.

Dah. Dah.

Dee. Dee.

(all chanting different
pronunciations of "Dee")

Yes, yes, yes. What? What?

Oh, hey.

Hi. What?

Hey, Dee, can we come back
there with you?

Yeah, hey, we're, like,
you're biggest fans, like, great

show, like, good job, like,
shut up, I'm sorry.

We're gonna start a fan club.

Oh, come on, stop kissing her
ass.

Dee, enough of this, okay?

Step over the rope and come meet
Walt.

Tell you what.

You three, you're in.

Dennis, you're out.

Go before she changes her
mind, go.

Hey! Faced! Thanks, Dee.

Dee, who do you think you are?

What is the matter with you,
Dennis?

You see them?

They're supporting me, okay?

Because they believe in me.

A fan club could really help
further my career.

Career? Oh, wow, Dee.

See, you don't have a career.

All right? So I need you to stop
all this right now.

It's gone too far.

Now, come meet Walt.

He is my select.

You know what I think this is
about, Dennis?

I think you're jealous.

I don't think you want me to
succeed.

Dee, let me be very clear
about something.

You will never succeed.

Ever.

Instead, you will fly too close
to the sun, and you will choke

and you will gag in a
spectacular manner.

So, please, for the love of God,
take Walt.

Hi, I'm Walt.

She knows your goddamn name,
Walt; I said it, like, a

thousand times.

Look, you know what?

I don't want to be with Walt,
okay?

And I don't want you to find me
a man.

What I need you to do is stay
out of my way, because Sweet Dee

is gonna be a star.

(making machine gun noises)
(laughter)


♪ Oh.

(crowd cheering) All right!

Here, buddy, everyone else.

(laughter)
(making machine gun noises)

Right, I'm Sweet Dee, and the
joke's on me!

Thank you very much.

Good night.

(crowd cheering wildly)

I don't care that you only have

one mic.
Look at me!

Dee Reynolds does not use mics
that other so-called comedians

have spit into, okay?

So get another one.

Dee Reynolds?

Mm-hmm.

Hi, I'm Michael Rotenberg.

I'm a talent manager from Los
Angeles.

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, hi. Well...

I've got a proposition for you.

One of my bigger clients is
supposed to do Conan tomorrow

night, and something came up.

They need to fill the spot,
and I brought your name up.

Are you interested?

Conan O...

Conan O'Brien?

Yeah.

I would love to represent you,
too; I think you're amazing.

I can fly you to L.A. tomorrow
on my private jet, and we can go

straight Conan.

What do you say?

Uh, well, my goodness.

This is all... This is all...

This is all... (gags)
This is all... (gags)

Oh, boy, hold on.

Uh, you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's just, uh, just had a
little piece of sausage.

Okay, I'm sure you did.

Um, now, I'm not stepping on
anyone's toes here, am I?

Do you already have
representation?

Representation? No.

Hey, sweetheart, there you are.

Ew! Mm-mm.

Who the hell's that?

This is, uh, my new manager.

What?

Sorry, Snyder, I don't need
you anymore.

This guy's taking me to
Hollywood on a private jet.

What? Hollywood!

Hollywood!

We're going to Hollywood!

No, no, no!

We're not going anywhere.

There's plenty of room if you
want to take your friends.

There's no room, okay?

I have no use for you guys
anymore.

Hey, what do you say we go
back to my hotel and have sex?

Absolutely.

Screw you, guys.

What the hell, Dee?!
We made you!

I'm sorry, you made me?!

You made me?!

I made you!

Screw you guys, all right?

(making goofy noises) Oh.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

You excited?

Am I excited?

Y... yes, I am.

Yes, I...

Dee, wait, wait.

Wait.

I made a mistake.

All this time, I've been
searching for the perfect guy to

take you off of my hands
forever, but... I realized

something.

The perfect guy's been under my
nose the entire time.

It's me, Dee.

I'm the perfect select.

I know, I've spent my entire
life shitting all over your

dreams, and not supporting you,
but I was wrong, Dee.

I see that now.

You can succeed.

You will be a star.

You have to take me.

I'm your twin brother.

I love you, Dee.

Dennis...

suck my dick.

(Dennis grunting) Wait.

Dee!

No, wait, Dee, wait!

Don't do this, Dee!

Dee, wait!

Dee, stop!

Don't fly away now!

Dee, wait!

Wait!

So when we get to L.A.,
you're going straight into the

limo and right to Conan.

I'm gonna whisk you right
backstage, and we go straight

on.

This is the big-time, Dee.

You're not in Philadelphia
anymore, okay?

Mm-hmm.

People are gonna be screaming
your name, there's gonna be

paparazzi.

Papa... whew.

(gagging): Paparazzi, huh?

Yes.

I tipped them off.

It's all about image.

It's great!

It's all great.

It's all super sudden though,
isn't it?

(gags) Ooh.

There's a real smell to
that one.

Yeah, that...

Are you okay?

That one was... came...

started deep, that's all.

This is your moment, Dee.

(Dee sighs)
If you nail this, we're talking

sitcoms, movie deals, the whole
nine yards.

Yeah.

So let's get focused.

Yes.

All right.

Yeah.

Let's focus.

Focus.



♪ Don't call it a comeback

I've been here for years
I'm rockin' my peers

♪ Puttin' suckers in fear
I'm gonna take this

itty bitty world by storm
And I'm just gettin' warm ♪

(Dee retching)
♪ I'm gonna knock you out

Huh!

Mama said knock you out ♪ Huh!

I'm gonna knock you out Huh!

♪ Mama said knock you out Huh!

I'm gonna knock you out
(Dee retching)

♪ Mama said knock you out
Huh! ♪

Welcome to Los Angeles.

Are you ready?

Okay.

Here we go.

♪ Mama said knock
you out... ♪

(cameras clicking)
(reporters shouting)

This is insane.

Driver, take the canyons.

Don't go on the highway.

Let's see...

(gags) You're gonna be great!

You're gonna be great!

(tires screeching)
Here we go again.

You ready?

(reporters shouting)
Okay, Dee is here, Dee

Reynolds is here!

Well, you're late.

Hair and makeup!

We got to go.

The announcer's gonna call your
name, you're gonna walk right

through those curtains and do
your routine.

This is your moment, you got to
grab it, jump on it, okay?

I'll be very... (gags)
Good. You're gonna be great.

You made it, Dee.

Dee, Dee, you're gonna be a
star, all right?

I made it, I made it.

You made it.

Okay, calm down, you can do
this.

You did this all by yourself,
you can do this.

Okay.

CONAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
a very funny woman, Miss Sweet

Dee Reynolds.

Dee Reynolds is a star.

(music playing, crowd cheering)

The joke's on you!

(noisemakers blaring)
(crowd cheering)

(Landslide whooping)
(chanting): Speech, speech,

speech, speech, speech...

(chanting continues)
Shh, shh, shh!

What...

What is going on?

We got you, Dee!

We tricked you, we tricked
you, we tricked you!

We set the whole thing up!

You know?

Yeah!

None of that was real.

All of these people are actors.

I chartered a jet.

We flew all over Philadelphia
for six hours.

And I'm a garbage man.

He's a garbage man!

He's your garbage man!

You've met him.

None of this is real, Dee!

None of it!

Hey, hey, some of it was real.

Yeah!

You banged that guy!

(laughter) Hey, best part?

Dennis wasn't even in on any
of it!

(laughs) I was and I wasn't.

I was and I wasn't.

He wasn't, he wasn't.

No, no, no.

No, we knew we had to drag him
through the mud, make it seem

legit.

It was great, it was great.

The joke's on him, too!

Yeah, joke's on him!

(noisemakers blare)
Well, it was good.

It was a good joke.

It was a good joke.

Good joke, guys, I love jokes.

She's got more to say.

Oh.

She's got more to say.

Why would you do this?

Oh, well, you know, you were
being all mopey and annoying...

Yeah.

...complaining and stuff.

We wanted to show you that
you could sink lower.

Talking about killing
yourself, ugh.

Some things you just don't
joke about, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You took it too far.

Right.

Too far.

Yeah.

I took it too far?

That's what I said.

Oh... I took... I took it
too far?

Oh, God, you sons of bitches!

(roaring) And there she goes!

She's back!

(laughter)
I... no!

All right, so we got Dee
back, and I think we may have

broke Dennis.

Broke me?

Nah, come on, I'm good.

(laughs) I love all this.

This is great.

I'm gonna pop out for a little
while.

(laughing) He's not loving it.

He's not.

He's not loving it.

No, he's not. (yells)
He might go kill himself.

(noisemakers blare)