It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Pop-Pop: The Final Solution - full transcript

CHARLIE: Attention!

Attention, everyone!

Gather round, please!

Gather round!

Mac has a very important announcement!

MAC: Because of my sudden and
unfortunate weight loss, the bar

is now in extreme risk.

And as head of security,
this concerns me.

So Mac's made a couple of moves.

And that first move... is this.

SWEET DEE: Jesus Christ.

DENNIS: Jesus.

Perfect for ocular pat-downs.

Now I can determine a subject's threat
level without him being able to feel my

retinal assessment.

Which is a great advantage because
the guy can't see how scared Mac is.

Yes, and... No, that's not
what it's about. It's not...

Huh? Oh, I thought that you were
scared every time you went to go to...

That's classified!

Look, this whole point is to
make them feel safer, all right?

We don't feel safer.

And, Mac, there will never come a
time where you will need those.

Mark my words, Dennis, there
will come a time when I will

utilize these glasses to
assess a threat and then...

Are they still standing there?

No, they walked away.

My peripheral is a little compromised.

Yeah, you can't see out the sides,
and that's a disadvantage, so...

(sighs): Oh, good... you're all here.

FRANK: Who invited the Jew lawyer?

Not Jewish.

Hold on, punk.

He's clear.

He's clear.

You know, I-I really do not
understand you people.

You know, it's funny, most of
the time I'm trying to get away

from you, and yet when I really
need to get in touch with you,

I can't get you to
return my phone calls.

Mmm, don't need you, don't care.

Eh... out you go.

Lovely.

As the executor of your mother's
estate, I'm here to inform you

that her father, Heinrich
Landgraf, has fallen into a coma.

Pop-Pop?

He's being kept alive by a respirator.

As per the will, the only
living blood relatives, the

ever-charming Dee and Dennis
Reynolds are the only people

empowered to decide whether or
not he stays on those machines.

Are you saying that we have to
decide whether that old Nazi

bitch lives or dies?

There's that charm.

That is correct.

I'll await your decision.

("Ride of the Valkyries" plays)

Pop-Pop's room's right down here.

How do you know, Frank?

I come here every week and feed
him soup, take care of him.

That's nice of you, you know?

Help a man keep his dignity
in his final years.

Somebody's got to do it.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Ugh!

I didn't have a chance to tidy.

T... Tidy?

Frank, the man is rotting.

Oh, God, why hasn't someone
done something in here?

I told the staff I got it.

You don't got it.

You don't have it at all.

Yeah, what is the overwhelming smell?

Oh, that's the soup.

(several groans)

Yeah, well, if he doesn't
finish, sometimes I leave 'em

for him, and then I forget
and then months go by.

Jesus Christ, Frank, what the
hell is really going on here?

Look, the guy always said he had
Nazi treasure stashed away.

I figure I spend some time
with him, he gives it to me.

All right, well, pretty good plan;
Execution leaves a lot to be desired.

Okay, well, speaking of
execution, we're just gonna pull

the plug on this creep and
get out of here, right?

Whoa. Whoa, h-hold on a second,
Dee, I mean, that's a big decision.

How so?

We're talking about
taking a man's life.

Yeah, but he was a Nazi, so
it's kind of, like, eh...

Well, yeah, I get that, but, I
mean, he was our grandfather.

Okay, maybe we got to think
this through a little bit more.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, make a decision already!

(gasps): Are you eating the soup?!

Is he eating the soup?

Yes.

I'm sorry. I was hungry.

I made a decision to eat the soup.

I didn't sit around thinking
all day, "Hey, do I do this?"

Do I not do this?"

We are making a decision about
whether or not to take a

man's life, not whether or
not to eat old rancid soups.

Okay, listen, I think we just
need to gather a little bit more

information before we
make our decision, right?

Yeah, you guys think it
over, think it over.

Mac, can you come here for a second?

What?

All Frank's talk about Nazi treasure...
got me thinking about something.

Okay, you remember that box of stuff
Pop-Pop gave me a few years ago?

It was, like, all this old stuff,
Nazi shit that he got from the war?

(distorted): Holy shit!

Yeah. Didn't we burn
that all in the alley?

Not all of it.

There was a painting in that
box, a very special dog painting

that I mounted on my wall.

You and my dad share this futon?

Now, Frank hated this
painting, you know?

He made me take it down.

I do not like this painting, Charlie.

Its smug aura mocks me.

It's evil, Charlie.

(echoes): Evil.

And it's been in that box ever since.

(slurps): Uh-huh. So what?

(slurps)

By the way, man, this is why we
work well together, you know?

You see free soup, you
make a decision to eat it.

It's horrible.

It's terrible soup, but we got to
stick with our decisions, right?

Yeah, I can't go back on it now.

No, no. All right, anyway... do
you think that that painting

could've been the Nazi treasure
that Frank's looking for?

Mm. I've made a decision.

Yes.

Yes, right?

Yeah.

Okay. You got to help me find it.

Let's slip out of here
so they don't notice.

Okay. They're standing two
feet away from us, so they are

gonna notice, but let's just run
out of here; they'll think we

made a quick decision to leave.

Damn it, dude!

All right, I remember exactly
what happened, all right?

Frank took it down, told me to
get rid of it; I stashed it away

somewhere, but then what-what
happened to it from there,

I don't know.

Hey, Charlie, come here.

Dude, you got to check this out.

Look at all these old photos of
Hitler with German shepherds.

Oh, holy shit.

Yeah. But check this out.

Oh, my God!

Yeah. Hitler painted German
shepherds all the time.

He was, like, obsessed.

Dude, I'm thinking that maybe
that painting could be...

An original Hitler.

Yes!

Yeah!

Holy shit, dude, this is huge!

We are gonna become
famous treasure hunters.

I'm thinking, Hollywood is gonna
make a Da Vinci Code style

thriller about us!

I can finally be Indiana Jones!

Yeah, yeah, and then I
get it back on my wall!

Yeah. Well, we're not gonna
put it back up on your wall.

It'll probably go in a museum.

What? No-no-no-no-no.

It looks so good here.

It belongs in a museum, and
that's the end of this.

Okay, you know what,
can you call Frank?

Because he's gonna
remember the details.

I knew that I stashed it away
somewhere, but it's-it's gone.

I can't find it.

Do we have to involve Frank?

You know what, yeah, we'll just
tiptoe around the language.

I'll play it cool.

Just play it cool.

(line rings)

(grunting): Mac!

Hey, Frank.

Where are you?

You sound strained.

I'm stuck in a window
over at Pop-Pop's house.

I got to find this treasure.

Treasure, what treasure?

I don't even know what you're talking about.
There probably is no treasure.

I'll bet you there's no
treasure, so you can just stop

looking for the treasure, okay,
'cause there's no treasure.

Hey, man, you know where that,
um, worthless old dog painting

that you had hanging up in your apartment...
do you know where that might be?

The dog painting? Oh!

That was evil.

I threw that thing out.

I'm pretty sure I saw Cricket
scampering away with it.

Cricket?

Hey, listen, Mac.

You do me a favor.

I'm really stuck in this window.

Will you come and get me?

Okay, nice.

We got to get Cricket.

I know just where to find him.

Dust is a nice touch.

Yes. I don't like you wearing
the glasses, though.

They're supposed to assess a threat.

Oh, Cricket could be a threat.

No, I have cleared him
on multiple occasions.

Here we go. Hello!

Hey, Cricks.

(singing)

Dog pound, huh? Weird.

Wow.

Oh!

Ugh. Ooh.

Oh, Jesus Christ, that's gruesome.

Yeah, I got into a skirmish
with a stray chocolate lab.

I won't go into details, but suffice to
say, that dog is very paralyzed now.

Anyway, they got me doing this,
uh, this community service thing.

Yeah, but I'm kind of a dog
executioner, so, uh, looks like

old Cricket got the last laugh.

Wow.

Yeah.

You're putting the dogs down?

Well, uh, no.

You know, yeah, mostly just, you
know, cleaning up the poops, you

know, washing out their
cages, that kind of thing.

Ah. Sounds like you're
a dog janitor then.

Yeah, that's more like
they got the last laugh.

Cricks, Frank said you know
something about a dog painting

that he threw away that you
might have scampered off with.

Yeah, worthless dog painting.

Yeah, yeah, dog painting, sure, yeah.

Oh, very evil vibes.

Yeah, I sold it.

To who?

Hmm? Oh, some guy.

You know, he's coming down here,
he's all bent out of shape, you

know, that he had to put
down his German shepherd.

Well, I notice his dog looks just
like the one in the painting.

I see an opportunity.

Make three bucks. Ba-da-boom!

Wait.

He's cool. He's not a threat.

Phew!

I know he's not a threat!

I told you, I've assessed him...
I've just cleared him.

You are not using the glasses correctly,
and it's driving me crazy, okay?

I thought I used it.

Could you tell how scared I was?

No, I could not. I could not.

Mara?

Uh, yeah, boss.

Got a mastiff in here, just
had explosive diarrhea.

I've never seen anything like it.
Get your ass in here.

Come on.

Hello? Somebody there?

Help me out of here!

I'm stuck! I can't get out of here!

Frank? What is happening?

What are you doing?

I'm trapped.

That goddamn trunk is booby-trapped.

It's not booby-trapped, Frank; it's an
empty trunk, and you fell into it like a.

Weeble wobble.

Let's go. Come on.

(Frank groans)

Jesus!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(Frank mutters)

Oh, God.

Frank, there's no point in you
looking for a treasure, okay?

If there's anything of value in
this house, we are the ones who

inherit it once he dies.

You're wasting your time.

I mean, it's crazy.

Dennis, check out these old
films... "New Years '74,".

"Thanksgiving '68."

Way.

"Summer Camp '81."

'81? Oh, that's us.

That's our summer camp.

Yeah, that's us. Yeah.

Fire that up.

I want to check that out.

Oh, see, Frank, Dee and I have
been talking, and I don't think

we're gonna... I don't think
we're gonna off Pop-Pop.

You know, I mean, yeah, sure,
the guy's got a little bit of a

sordid past, absolutely, but you know,
everybody deserves a second chance.

Yeah, he was just following orders.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Let's not try and justify why
a man would join the Nazis and...

Right. Right, right, right,
yeah, I see what you're saying.

'Cause that's gonna get us too far away from...
We won't be able to...

...the point that we're
trying to make, which is that

the man moved to America, you know, to
put all that horrible shit behind him.

Right. Right.

And he wanted to turn his life around,
and that's what he did, Frank.

He turned his life around.

People do that.

People do that. Exactly.

Oh, here we go. Look at me.

Oh!

Oh, God, you remember that car?

Yes.

Oh, look at those two little rug rats.

Oh, I was so cute!

Oh, man, and look at Pop...
Look at how sweet he is!

Yeah, God, he was a sweet guy.

This is great.

That's the camp.

Oh, we loved it there.

God, it's... it's all
flooding back to me now.

Did we wear those uniforms?

I don't remember those. Do you?

I don't remember that.

But yeah, see if there's sound.

I want to... I'd like
to pop some sound on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at this guy.

Remember this guy? Ah.

I totally remember that guy.

He was always so jazzed
up about everything.

He was so excited, and he would get
us all excited, do you remember that?

Get the whole crowd jazzed
up, the whole camp.

Here we go.

That is why it is so important
that we all must unify.

The more we come together,
the stronger we become.

Now, listen close, kids.

These goddamn niggers and Jews
are trying to take over this

country, and we've got to take it back!

Oops.

Yeah.

That just took a turn.

Sieg heil!

Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

(Sweet Dee groans)

Oh, that's us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm doing that.

Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg...
Okay, that settles it.

Let's fry this turkey.

Yes.

(turns projector off)

All set?

Ready?

Whoa, whoa, hang on.

Hang on a second.

Are you sure you want to watch him die?

What do you mean, watch him die?
We have to watch him die?

Well, you do something like
pull the plug, and you got to

stay there until the lights go out.

You know, maybe we need to
experience that on a smaller

scale first, and just kind
of see how we feel about it?

Kill something less important first.

See what that does inside.

Move up.

I have an idea.

You want to watch a dog get put down?

Yeah, we want to see how it feels.

Great. I got just the one.

Ah, I feel like we
need to pick the dog.

You know what I mean?

'Cause we need to feel the
full weight of the decision.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, fine.

No.

Oh, no.

Come on. No.

Uh... no.

Oh. No!

Oh. Come on, guy. No!

Pick me?

What?

Put me down! Pick me!

I deserve it.

Okay. New plan.

We're doing the right thing, Dennis.

We're not killers.

You know what I mean?

No, we have to think
about ourselves here.

I don't want to live with
pulling the plug on somebody.

No. Let's just let Pop-Pop and
Cricket and these dogs die

as nature intended.

Slowly and painfully.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

All right, guys.

Here we go.

All right, everybody.

Go, get out of here.

Go and be free. Go and be free.

Oh, we're all free.

There we go.

Go on.

We're all free. Yeah.

I'm one of you guys.

All right, so this is the address.

All right.

This is the spot, huh?

Here.

Okay. "Bret Da Lawyer,
a Denial Correlation."

What does that mean?

Pretty good. That's close.

It's "Brett DeLauter, a
Dental Corporation."

Guy's a dentist.

Huh. All right, let's check it out.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Wow.

Oh, shit.

Mac, look. There it is.

Oh.

Holy shit, this dentist must have
gone insane after his dog died.

I mean, look at this.

Charlie, I'm beginning to think
that we may have stumbled

onto one of the greatest
discoveries of modern times.

Follow me here.

What if the key to Adolf
Hitler's madness was the death

of his dog?

What?

Okay, when he was a kid, he had
this little, sweet, little

puppy, and he was the happiest
chap in all of Germany.

Right, "I love chocolate.
I love my dogs."

Yeah, but then his beloved pet
was ripped from him, and he

"was like, " That's it.

I'm totally going to kill
everybody, take over the world."

That is what happened.

I mean, that's definitely
what happened.

Oh, hi, you must be Mr.

Miller.

No.

Yeah.

Ready for those braces?

Yeah, but I wanted the...
Yeah, we can go in.

Yeah.

We can pop in real quick.

Yep.

Dude, I'm telling you, this
is like The Da Vinci Code.

Oh, man, I wonder who's
going to play me.

I was thinking maybe Mark Wahlberg.

What do you think?

Hmm, no, you're right, he
couldn't match my intensity.

Ryan Gosling... it's locked in.

It's gonna be Ryan Gosling.

I can't wait to get that
painting back up on my wall.

You know what I mean?

That's what this is really all
about when you think about it.

No, that's not what this is about.

This is about ripping open the
fabric of historical fact and

making a film about it
starring Ryan Gosling as Mac.

Okay, well, I'll play Hitler, then.

That'd be cool.

What are you talking about?

I play Hitler in the movie.

Okay, Hitler's not even in it.

It takes place in present day.

Oh, it could be a time-
traveling thing.

I see what you're saying.

So then Hitler comes back from
the past, he joins us on our

adventure, we go on a
big caper together.

There's no, there's no
time travel in this movie.

It's gonna be a classic
like Citizen Kane.

Time travel movies are classic.

(phone ringing)

This is gonna be... this is...
You're driving me... oh, my God.

(sighs)

What?

Mac, I need you to convince
Dennis and Deandra not to pull

the plug on Pop-Pop.

Why?

Because I haven't found
his treasure yet.

I need more time.

Okay, Frank, here's the deal.

Pop-Pop does have treasure, and
I'll let you in on it if you

help me because Charlie
is driving me bananas.

He's becoming a threat
to this whole operation.

Then you're going to have to
take him out of the picture.

Get rid of him.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Charlie, you know, I was
thinking, maybe you could play.

Hitler.

Of course.

I think you've got the range.

I know I do, Mac.

And I think you're right.

I mean, the leader of the Third
Reich defying laws of physics to

join us in our present-day
adventure... that makes sense.

It's a better movie.

Good call.

Yeah, I've also decided to direct.

Mm-hmm, let's lock that in.

Yeah, is that...?

What is... what are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

Hmm?

Oh, I am so happy that you
have decided to end this.

As soon as we get this little
issue resolved, I'll no longer

have a legal obligation
to deal with you.

Yeah, it's not really resolved, I think,
in the sense that you were hoping for.

No.

When we said we were gonna end
this, we didn't mean "kill."

Not end it.

(attorney stammering)

What are you talking about?

We're not going to do it.

We're not going to do it.

We, we don't want a man's
death on our hands.

Okay, listen, you don't want
the man's blood on your hands,

you don't want to give the
order, then, fine, I'll give.

Just grant me power of attorney,
and I'll give the order myself.

You would do that?

Oh, absolutely.

Let's do it.

Perfect.

I'm telling you, Frank,
Gosling has got to be the one

because he's the only one
that can handle my intensity.

God, you're obsessed with Ryan Gosling.

Well, no, I just think... Charlie?

Mac, you know the best thing
about time travel movies?

They're full of surprises.

Oh.

Beautiful painting you've got there.

Too bad it's the wrong one.

Huh?

That's not... this is the painting.

You got the wrong painting.

I don't know, they look exactly alike.

Silence, fools.

This has gone on long enough.

This painting clearly
causes madness in men.

And it must be destroyed.

Charlie, no, no
destroying that painting.

That's a piece of history.

That's the key to Hitler's madness.

Oh, this?

Come on.

I painted this.

What?

I painted it and I loved it,
so I saw an opportunity to get

it back, but now I'm realizing
that this painting is making us

all crazy... crazy.

Hitler's painting, the key to
the Holocaust, Ryan Gosling

playing you?

Ridiculous.

This has to end now, and so
I have the final solution.

I'm going to burn this painting
and you can't stop me.

We won't.

What?

Dude, if that's not an original
Hitler, then who gives a shit?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Did you like my whole, my whole
thing I was doing there?

Huh?

(monitor beeping)

I need final verbal confirmation.

Yes, just do it already.

Wow, what an asshole, huh, Doctor?

You are killing a man.
You know that, right?

There's a lot of mercy
in this decision.

I commend it.

Oh, you commend... well, you
know, I mean, technically we

gave the order to him to,
to give to you, so...

Yeah, if you feel like
commending... if you're in the

mood for commending, you could...
Right, if you're gonna throw

some commendations around, you know, just...
We'll take 'em.

Okay.

(monitor beeping)

(monitor flatlines)

(Dennis whistles)

Wow.

(beeping resumes)

Uh-oh, here we go.

What is that?

Uh, he seems to be
breathing on his own.

That happens sometimes.

Uh, how long until he's
not breathing on his own?

Until he perishes?

Right.

Could be months, weeks, days.

Who knows?

He's a fighter, this one.

Son of a bitch.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
we've had an incredible amount

of stray dog attacks all over the
city, so our E.R. is slammed.

Hmm.

(Dennis chuckles nervously)

Well, you know what?

It's okay, let's go.

He had nothing of value
to leave us anyway.

Yeah, come on.

Well, actually he did.

Burn, baby, burn.

Dude, I'm still psyched
about this movie.

Okay, the ending needs a little
bit of work 'cause nobody cares

about an original Charlie Kelly.

Well, it's not an original, you know.

I just painted over one of the
old paintings that he gave me,

so... Who?

Pop-Pop.

So Pop-Pop did give you the painting?

Well, it was in the box of
junk that he gave me, but it's

just trash.

That's an even worse ending.

It's so complicated.

I can't even follow the goddamn story.

I-I don't care. Dude, Gosling.

Gosling will not play you!