It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - Frank's Pretty Woman - full transcript

Good morning, South
Philadelphia Animal Shelter.

Yes, hello, I would like
to apply for an adoption, please.

Hey, what are
you guys talking about?

We're adopting a
dog-fighting pit bull.

We're gonna keep it in
the bar, all right?

Well, why wasn't I
consulted about this?

Because last time we tried to
get a junkyard dog, we wound up

getting a junkyard cat, and that's
exactly where you're gonna go with it.

Yeah.

Because I don't want some
goddamn snarling hellhound

running around inside of our bar!

Are you crazy?

Look, we're going to
rehabilitate the dog, okay?

We don't want it to
attack other dogs.

Now we would like for
it to attack people.

If it attacks a person, great!

Yeah. And, if the dog-- or when
the dog-- bites a customer,

that person then can go home and have
a great story for their friends.

It's a win-win for everybody.

That's true!

You can go, like, "Dude, I got
bit a pit bull in a bar."

In Paddy's! It was awesome!

Awesome! And if you're an intruder,
you should get bit by a pit bull.

I don't understand.

See, the biggest... Uh, how long do
you think this process usually takes?

Just a dial tone now.

She just hung up on
me, for some reason.

Wait for me
in the back back.

Okay, babe.

Hey, who's that?

It's my new girlfriend-- Roxy.

That woman seems
like a prostitute.

That's because she is.

You're dating a prostitute?

Not for long.

I'm gonna make that whore my wife.

What the hell...?

I don't know.

Are they...?

Oh, no!

You did not just do that.

Oh-ho-ho.

That-that broad is a live wire.

I'm goin' outside, 'cause
this place is shit hole!

What are you cocks lookin' at?

Frank...
that woman is unspeakably crass.

You're gonna marry that, Frank?

She's been my number-one
girl for a long while now.

But she's still
plowing other dudes.

In fact, Tiger Woods has
been calling her lately.

No. No, no, no.

That can't be the truth.

That's bullshit.

There is no way that Tiger Woods
is interested in that woman.

Look, can't you find someone
who loves you for who you are?

That woman's only in
it for the money!

Mm-mm! Let me stop you real quick.

Someone love Frank for who he is?

Come on!

No! He's got a ton
of good qualities.

Yes, he does!

I mean, like what?

Like what?

Dude, the other day, we were
hanging out under the bridge; we

found box of denim, and I'm,
like, "You know, these look like

good jeans in here," and he's, like,
"You want to split it with me, 50-50?"

I mean, that's a nice thing to do.

I wanted you to have
half of that denim.

He shared half the jeans.

Charlie! Charlie!

Stop wearing clothes you find
washing up under bridges.

Oh, they're boiled, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, we boil all our denim.

- Oh, good, well, they're boiled, so...
- Hey!

Hey, you know, there is some
dirty crack whore in the alley,

blowing the busboy from the
restaurant down the street.

This is exactly why
we need that dog.

Let's get that dog!

Mac, you look bad.

Really, really bad.

What?

Yeah, is that your
shirt or my shirt?

That's, like, way
too small for you.

You look fat as shit!

Okay, okay, I'm getting very
concerned with the integrity of

our organization here.

Mac, you have gained, I
mean, 50 pounds of fat.

Mass.

Fat.

Muscle.

Let's be clear: fat.

It's fat.

Frank, you are talking about marrying
hookers-- this is ridiculous!

What's going on with our group?

We're becoming the Gross Crew.

The Gross Crew?!

The Gross Crew.

And I don't like that.

I don't want that, all right?

I don't want that.

So, if we're gonna have this
woman hanging around, then we

gotta clean her up or something.

I tell you what-- what if we took a
Pretty Woman and threw it

Roxy's way.

Hey... Pretty Woman?

That was a bullshit movie.

People don't change like that.

People change, Frank.

Look at me.

I went from a tiny twink to the
muscle-bound freak you see before you.

You're not helping my argument.

Okay, yeah, and if you're gonna
chime in, please don't do

it with a mouthful of burrito.

This is a chimichanga.

You are becoming a chimichanga!

All right, all of you-- I'm
gonna give you all 24 hours to

do whatever you have to do, but,

tomorrow night, I am proposing
to that dirty whore.

This is gonna be a little bit
harder than we thought.

This woman is a real
piece of shit.

Uh-huh.

Where's Frank?

Don't worry about Frank, Roxy.

We're here to help you
turn your life around.

See, a lot of times, the second
act of someone's life can be

much better than the first.

Mm-hmm.

Well, yeah, we just want to make

some changes in your life, Roxy.

Perhaps get you some new clothes.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hopefully, teach
you some manners.

Shut up, baby dick.

All right, well, I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I... Don't go, don't go.

We haven't even started yet.

Come on... Frank was right.

This woman cannot change.

People don't just change.

People change!

She can change.

I'm gonna change.

What? You're gonna change?!

What the hell are
you talking about?

Well, I'm gearing up to get
into my second act, you know?

And that's very exciting for me.

And I'd like to help Roxy do
the same thing, that's all.

No... no, no, Dee.

Aw, really?

What?

No, you're already
in your second act.

Me?

Yeah. We're all in our second
acts-- don't you see that?

And I, for one, I don't
want things to change.

I want them to stay the way they
were, because my first act

was awesome.

See, your first act was-was
shit, and that's why you're so

desperate for things
to be different.

But they rarely ever
do get different.

If anything-- God, they get worse.

I mean, look at Mac.

I got salsa on my shirt.

He got salsa on his shirt.

Okay... here's howhings need
to go from here on out.

You gotta deal with this woman,
because I can't handle it...

all right?

She made things personal, and
I won't stand for that.

Somebody needs to take care of
Mac, and that's gonna be me,

because his fatness is starting
to affect our entire crew.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm gonna take him with me,
because the man is carrying

around trash bags filled
with Mexican foods.

What's that smell?

Crack.

That is crack rock.

Mm-hmm.

She's smoking crack!

Oh, she's smoking crack.

Okay, she's smoking crack.

Uh, this is no longer a
safe environment for me.

Mac, let's go.

Come on, I gotta get out of here.

Whew!

I got a really good
thing going with Roxy.

She's a sweet bitch.

Yeah, but she's mean.

She's definitely only
into you for the money.

Well, so, Barbara was only
into me for the money.

Yeah, but you deserve
better than that, man.

Look, I'm already on it, okay?

I signed you up on a
dating Web site.

I got you a date, dude!

Yeah?

Check it out, though.

I got a little twist on this date.

This girl does think she's
meeting a millionaire.

Why'd you say that, Charlie?

That... defeats the purpose.

Well, I'm gonna be
the millionaire.

Oh. Explain.

All right, check it out.

You're gonna play my
limo driver, right?

You're just like a regular
working stiff to this girl.

She doesn't think you're
a millionaire, okay?

Then we're out on the date and
I'm, like, "Oh, I don't feel

very well.

I gotta go home.

But let's not waste this date.

Why don't you finish the
date with my limo driver!"

You know what I mean?

Smart, Charlie.

I mean, yeah, she's not gonna

be able to resist an
opportunity like that.

A night with a limo driver?

This is a good idea.

- Right?
- I'm gonna give it a whirl.

- All right, man!
- All right, Charlie!

Oh, here, I think
these are are done.

- That first one's done?
- Yeah, this batch is done.

Just get 'em out.

Get 'em out-- whoo, baby!

- Whoa! I burned myself on a rivet.
- Yeah...

Mac, these blood tests are
going to show you the damage

that you've been doing to your
body, and my hope is that it

will incentivize you to finally
lose some of this disgusting

weight you've put on.

This is ridiculous, dude, okay?

We're getting older.

We're not going to
look 20 forever.

No, I am going to look 20
forever, Mac, because the

older I get, the more
vigilant I become.

All right, I don't eat lunch
anymore, for instance.

Yeah, and on odd days,
I don't eat breakfast.

That sounds miserable.

No, dude, it's not miserable.

Well, yeah, it is a little bit
miserable, but it has to be, man.

No pain, no gain.

I am also constantly in motion.

Like, right now, dude, I am
doing leg lifts that are

imperceptible to the human eye.

I call them hummingbirds.

And although I seem relaxed, I'm
actually incredibly tense at all times.

Dude, we've been
through this, okay?

I'm cultivating mass.

Stop staying that.

You are not cultivating mass, and
if you are, stop cultivating

and start harvesting.

Bro, check this out.

Try to move me.

Wow, I'm not going to try...
Try and move me, bro.

Take a running start.

Take a running start.

Excuse me.

Did you want me to read
these test results or not?

Yeah, I was just trying to...
trying to move him.

He's like a brick wall.

Yeah.

You try to move me, Doc.

No, no, no, you're...
Read the results, Doc.

Well, I see, uh, severe
dehydration here, multiple

vitamin deficiencies,
anemia, low blood pressure.

Ooh.

Mac, look, I don't want
you to fret, okay?

I'm going to get you on
my exercise program.

I'm going to get you
fit as a fiddle.

Uh, these are...
these are your results, Mr. Reynolds.

What? No, those can't be my...
my results.

I'm healthy as shit.

Well, uh, not according
to your tests.

I'm healthier
than you, bro.

Well, I wouldn't exactly
say you're healthy.

You have type 2
adult-onset diabetes.

Type 2 adult-onset diabetes?

What does that mean for me?

Well, that means you're going
to have to inject yourself

several times a day with
insulin, or else you probably

need to think about
losing a little weight.

Whoa.

But I'm healthy
besides the diabetes?

Um, no.

But I'm more healthier than he
is, I think is the point that

you're trying to make.

Even with the diabetes.

Dude, stop saying "diabetes!"

You sound like an ass...
You okay, dude?

I'm fine.

I just, uh...
been doing a lot of hummingbirds today.

I'm good.

Have you eaten anything today?

No.

All right, let's get
out of here, bro.

I'm going to get you
something to eat.

All right.

I'm going to lift you up.

What the hell?

I'm not as strong as
I thought, Dennis.

Okay, I've hurt my back.

I'm shit-faced.

Yeah, well, you downed that bottle
of schnapps like it was a soda pop.

Look, Roxy, I'm trying to give
you a second chance here, but

you're making it very difficult.

Hey, this jacket is awesome.

Ooh, and it's tighter
than dick skin, man.

Can you watch your
language, please, Roxy?

We're in a classy place with classy
clothes for classy people, okay?

Don't talk about dick skin.

Hi.

Can I help you with something?

No, thank you.

We're just trying some stuff on.

Um, okay.

Well, you are aware
that jacket is $500.

Are you implying we
can't afford that?

Can you?

That's none of your business.

Um, it's exactly my business.

Excuse me.

Screw your dick skin jacket, man.

Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, Roxy, Roxy!

Oh, God, no, don't do that.

How do you like me now, gay boy?

Well, now, okay, okay.

Don't call him gay, 'cause it'd
be one thing if he wasn't, but

he clearly is, so...
Is there a problem?

Yeah, there's a problem, man.

I'm trying to buy this coat, and
this asshole here is giving me shit.

You are aware of the price.

Well, here.

'Cause I have money.

Oh, shit!

Jerry, can I talk with you
in my office, please?

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, oh, face, Jerry, face!

Take a hike!

Sorry about the gay stuff.

That did cross the line.

Jerry, please, my office.

Roxy!

Holy shit.

That was amazing.

You humiliated that salesman, and then
you had the capital to back it up.

I love you, Roxy.

Ooh, I got to meet a client.

No, no, no, Roxy, you don't
have to do that anymore.

You know what?

We should go find Frank, 'cause
he's got a surprise for you.

No, it's Tiger Woods.

It's Tiger Woods?

Yeah.

Okay, th-this whole thing
is blowing my mind.

Your life is way more glamorous
than what I was picturing.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, help me dig these
crack rocks out of my ass.

That's what I was picturing.

Yeah.

That's more like what
I was picturing.

Charlie, I feel like a sack
of shit in this thing.

You look good.

I feel like I'm a... I'm a four year
old going to my sister's wedding.

You're the limo driver.

You got to look the part, bud.

You don't look like
a millionaire.

I am a casual
millionaire from Texas.

You look like a farmer.

Frank, I got the whole
thing worked out.

Now, listen to me.

We got out on the date.

I come down with a slight cough.

Okay?

I ask to be taken home.

You take over.

You charm the hell out of her.

I'm so nervous.

You know how long it's been
since I've been with a non-pro?

Will you relax?

Oh, hello.

Tarnation!

You look as pretty as a peach.

Yes, you do!

Hoss Bonaventure, CEO.

Uh, this here is my
limo driver, Frank.

Hi.

Now, he's the finest driver
in all the land, so you gonna

get on just fine with him.

Hi.

Uh, hand down.

Only say hello once.

He's nervous!

All right, well, let's-let's...
let's do this thing.

Get your stuff and giddy on up.

Calm down.

You'll be good.

All right!

So, uh, how did you
make your fortune?

Hmm?

Oh, uh, well, uh, uh, hustlin'

and a-rasslin'.

Uh, you know, this and that.

Uh, made a decent penny in
boiled denims and, uh, the

bridge business mostly.

Uh, oh, Frank up there, though,
now, that man is rich in spirit.

He's rich in caricature.

Uh, and that's true fortune, if
you're asking me, to have that.

So you build bridges.

Um, uh...
I-I'm kind of into bridges myself.

Yeah.

I... I-I found a whole case
of eggs under a bridge last

week-- perfect condition.

None of them missing.

None of them cra*** ced.

I mean, who in their right mind
throws away a perfectly good

case of eggs this day and age?

I mean, it's a sick
world, don't you think?

Ah, he's good with the conversation and...

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I believe I'm coming down
with a bit of something here.

I got bit by a crab
under that same bridge.

Oh, did you?

Yeah. You ever been
bit by a crab, hon?

Can we maybe put this divider up?

Well, no, we don't want to
exclude a great man like Frank

from the conver...

Oh, my God!

Call 911!

No, it's okay.

I have a touch of consumption.

He's all right.

Why don't we drop him off?

You and I will go to dinner, OK?

I think I've been poisoned
by my constituents!

Oh, my God!

Can I offer you a nice
egg in this trying time?

Yeah, he's got an egg.

You might...

I better pull over, okay?

You know, you two can
go to dinner together.

Help me somebody!

Please, help me!

Aw, shit, Charlie, what the
hell went on back there?

I swallowed, like, a million
blood caplets 'cause I was gonna

cough, like, you know, a handful
of blood to make it it real.

And not I'm thinking, like,
you're not supposed to eat them

or something 'cause they're
making me really sick.

Aw, Charlie, you blew it.

You're the one talking about
eggs and crabs and shit.

I love eggs, Charlie.

I like eggs.

And I love crabs.

I like crabs.

And I love boiling denim
and banging whores!

I love boiling... Well...
And I don't care if anybody

doesn't like that about me.

They don't have to stick around!

Screw 'em!

You're right.

What's wrong with that chick?

I miss Roxy.

Yeah.

Roxy and and I are
made for each other.

Yeah. Tell you what, if
it's Roxy you want...

That's the last of it, I think.

Tiger Woods?

I cannot believe you invited
him over here, Roxy.

My place is a mess.

Oh, he's here. Are you ready?

I'm ready. I'm very excited.

Hello.

Who are you?

Tiger Woods.

Hey, Tiger.

Hey, girl.

You brought a friend?

Yeah.

Good. I like that.

Mm-hmm.

So, you ready to do this?

I know who you are.

Of course you do, honey.

I'm very famous.

No, no, no, no, hold on a second.

Roxy, this is not Tiger Woods.

What are you talking about?

This guy's an actor.

He definitely pretended to be
Donovan McNabb one time when I

tried out for the Eagles.

Donovan McNabb? Eagles?

I don't know what
she's talking about.

I play golf.

Okay, Roxy, see, this is exactly why
you gotta stop doing this shit.

And, sir, seriously?

Okay, all right, all
right, I'm sorry.

You got me, all right?

I'm busted. I am an actor.

My name is Don Cheadle.

No, you're not Don...
What are you doing?!

What's going on?

I don't care who he is if he pays
me 500 bucks to rub my feet.

Did you say 500 bucks?

Mm-hmm.

To rub your feet?

Mm-hmm.

You don't have sex with him?

Mm-mm-mmm.

I'm into foot shit.

Interesting...
What shoe size are you, by the way?

Hey, your feet are bizarrely huge.

Man will go crazy for that.

I don't care for how you describe
them, but what are we talking here?

What kind of money are we talking?

I don't know maybe we could pop those
boots off and kick it around a bit.

Well, it never hurts
to talk, does it?

Just do it.

He's cute.

Oh, God.

Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga,
chimichanga, chimichanga.

Mac, chimichangas are delicious.

I told you, dude.

So good, oh!

I told you.

Why would you not want to eat one of
these every single day of your life?

Oh, my God!

I mean, they're delicious,
they're full of carbs, which is

great for a pump.

And they're cheap as shit.

Hence the garbage bags
filled with them.

Exactly. No restrictions.

No restrictions.

Oh, I love this no
restrictions thing, man.

Now in that vein, I want you to
take a look at that chimichanga.

I want you to say to yourself,
"Chimichanga, you are

delicious, but what
do I really want?"

What I really want?

What do you want more than
anything else in the entire world?

What do I want more than anything
else in this entire world?

Yes.

Crack.

Oh. I thought you were gonna say
pizza or buffalo wings or something.

Yeah, no, no, no.

You want crack?

Yeah, crack cocaine.

Now, I've never had crack.

Dude, you are going to love it.

I am?

It's so good.

Let's do it!

No restrictions, baby,
no restrictions.

No restrictions.

Aw, man, this is gonna
be awesome, dude.

Do you want some insulin?

Oh, shit.

Yo.

Uh-huh.

You did what now?

Oh, she is?

I don't get it, but
I don't need to.

Okay, we'll see you there.

Okay, bye.

Um, dude, so, apparently,
Charlie just puked blood all

over some lady in a limousine and Dee is
sucking off Don Cheadle or something?

And Frank wants to go ahead and get
married to Roxy as soon as possible.

So we got to fire down there.

Dude, we can get crack from Roxy.

Let's get crack from
Roxy, Okay, perfect.

Now do you want some
of this insulin?

No, I just want crack.

Okay, we'll get down there.

And on the way, let's fire down
to John Wanamaker's and get

ourselves a couple of
Tommy Bahama shirts.

Are you familiar?

Yeah, see what you mean
about these shirts, bro.

Yeah.
You'll grow into yours, buddy.

Yeah, comfy as shit.

They hide your fatness.

You know, they're ugly as all
hell, but I have a feeling

I'm gonna like 'em a lot more
when I'm high as shit on crack.

What's up, basticks?

Basticks? Is that how you're
gonna talk from now on?

Look, I'm not taking no shit
no more, so get used to it.

Also, I'm gonna
become a foot girl.

All right, gross. Whatever.

Frank, you ready?

Oh, yeah.

I'm ready.

Okay, Roxy, Frank would
like to say a few words.

Everybody.

Gather round.

Roxy... Frank.

You are good shit, and I
want to make this legit.

I'm still gonna pay you, but I want
you to stop banging other guys.

What do you say?

Want to be my wife or what?

Holy shit.

Oh-oh, my God.

Oh, my... Uh... ooh... Whoops.

Christ!

No, it's okay.

She does this from time to time.

She's had an excessive
amount to drink, so yeah.

Okay. Well, Roxy, get up.

Roxy... Come on, Roxy.

Roxy?

Big day for Frank here.

Roxy, we don't have
a ton of time, Rox.

Get up!

The bitch is dead!

How could she be dead?

I'm telling you her heart popped.

She was smoking crack in the
car the whole way here and also

all day long.

She got no pulse.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Call 911!

Call an ambulance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. No, no, no!

No, no, no, I'm sorry.

Whoa, whoa, what?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Uh, we gotta think
this through, okay?

Dead hooker in my apartment?

That doesn't look good for me.

I'm covered in blood.

I mean, not good to have
a dead hooker, right?

It would kind of mess up our
second acts a little bit.

And I'll tell you guys something.

I smoked a little crack in
the car on the way over.

Oh, you bitch!

Oh, does she still have any?

Yeah, yeah.

> We can't leave her here.

No, no, we can't leave her here.

Um, let's, uh... Oh, God.

Okay, well, I mean... I don't want to
sound insensitive, but we could just

put her out in the hall.

We call in an anonymous tip.

So we're still calling 911...
Someone finds her.

...just from a pay phone.

This seems like the best thing to
do considering the circumstances.

Frank, what do you think?

I think Roxy would have
wanted it that way.

Well, there you go.

Frank would know.

I mean, that's it!

You would know, Frank.

Can I say a few words?

Make it nice.

Let's make the whole thing nice.

Really? I just want to
get her out of here.

Oh, nice.

Roxy, God bless you.

You were a good whore.

You serviced me like no
other whore ever did.

Not only my crank, but my heart.

And I'm gonna miss ya.

Amen.

So should we get the dead
whore out of the apartment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,