It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Mac's Banging the Waitress - full transcript

Okay, it's 2:30

on a Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA.

Hello, America.

Mac here with another
installment of Project Bad ass.

As you can see, the ramp
is about 40 feet down there.

I will now light the
pyrotechnics... which are

attached at the arms and
back and all over my pants.

'Cause I know what it means
Totally and completely badass.

Here we go.

Three, two, one...

- Oh, Jesus.
- You see what I was going for, right?

- How badass is that?
- You know what, man?

I actually found that to be
pretty goddamn entertaing.

- Yeah, dude.
- I got to be honest with you.

- Now you have some more of those?
- Oh, man, I got a shitload of those.

Yeah. I've been working
my ass off on these videos.

Now has Charlie seen these?
I bet he would love 'em.

Yeah, I showed it to him.

He acted like he liked it...
in fact he even asked me to keep

one of the videocassettes
for multiple views...

and then when I wasn't
around, I saw him smashing one.

Smashing it?

Dude, I don't know what his
problem is, but he's been

completely pissing me off recently.
I worked so hard on those tapes.

Why?

Why?

To show how badass I am.

Code Red! Code Red, guys!

Guys, we got a Code Red on our hands!

Oh, my God, check it out.

Now according to my sources in the
field, the waitress is seeing somebody.

- Do you know who this guy is?
- No. I have no idea, man.

I just got a shady read-out of the guy.

I tell you what, Mac, seeing
as how you're my best friend...

maybe you can look into it for me.

You know, go down there,
snoop around the shop.

Can I stop you for a second?

I'm sorry, I'm a little confused here.

You just said that he
was your best friend.

How is he your best friend over me?

Well, I mean, you banged the waitress.

do I even have to explain that to you?

That kind of rubbed
me the wrong way, dude.

I mean, you know, I don't see
how that should factor in to

whether we're best friends or not.

You know, to be honest with
you, man, I'm a little shocked.

I'm kind of... I'm thunder struck.

I'm sorry, man, but you know,
I didn't mean to hurt you,

I didn't mean to thunder
strike you, but that's

I don't know what else to tell
you. What do you want to hear?

I need for you to explain to
me how it is that you consider

- Mac to be a better friend to you.
- This is just becoming awkward.

When I have a real problem, and all of a
sudden, it's about some weird feelings thing.

And it's not about your
feelings right now, it's about

my feelings 'cause I
have a problem, okay?

Now, Mac, please, do you think you can
find this guy and kick his ass for me?

Absolutely, bro. I will find
this guy and I will kick his ass.

And you know why?

Because you and I are best friends.

He's on to us.

its always sunny in philly 404

Synchro : Flolo

Hey, what's up, buddy?

- Hey, man.
- How are you?

Good. So look, I'm only going
to be here like a night or two,

until Mac and I take
care of a little business.

Okay, listen, man, you stay
as long as you want to, man,

'cause that's what, you
know, that's what friends do:

they let each other stay
at each other's apartments,

- and they hang out with each other, and...
- Absolutely.

And we can do that, do some
bonding, go over the best friend

- thing a couple more times.
- Yeah, bro?

Where are you going with that?

I was just going to throw
your sleeping bag in my room.

'Cause you can stay with me.

yeah... I was going
to stay in Mac's room.

I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Hey, my room's a lot bigger.

I was going to stick
with the plan here, so...

Okay, listen, man, since you're
here and you've got all this beer,

let's crack a couple of
them open. Let's get tipsy.

Yeah, but the beer is for
me and Mac, you know, to...

- It doesn't have to be though.
- to celebrate the ass-kicking.

Well, I mean there's... 24 beers
there, if I'm counting right.

- 12 for me and 12 for Mac.
- 12 for Mac...

That's sort of our thing that we do.

You guys are really going to drink
that many, just the two of you tonight?

We could do something else.
Let's do something else.

Hey, board games, man.

Let's have a board game night.
Chinese checkers, I got...

- That's kind of foreign, so...
- I got...

I got Clue, you know, we
could solve a mystery together.

- We could...
- Complicated stuff there.

What about Connect Four?

- Connect Four's a fun game.
- I don't like counting.

It's not that much counting.

It's just one, two, three,
and then four, you win.

But a lot... a lot of times,
you got to count that much.

Not that many times. If you get
it once, you've won the game.

So... you're...

- Have you ever spent any...
- Kind of in...

- I'm in your way.
- ... in my way.

I'm in your way.

Cool.

hey, let's watch a movie.

That's simple. That
doesn't require any...

We could just sit down and,
like, watch... I bought...

I bought a bunch of new DVDs.

Yeah... I got a lot of work to do.

what are you...? What is that?

Oh, nothing. Just got a couple
long-range walkie-talkies.

Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?

I did... not.

Oh, that's all right. I mean
we could probably just...

Who has, who has the other one?

Mac probably.

All right, let's do this.

- What are you doing?
- Popping my pants off.

- Why?
- Because we're gonna bang.

To shove it into Charlie's
face for smashing my tape.

How many times do we
have to go through this?

Dude, look, I know what your
little plan is, but if I'm going

to bang you, it's going to
be on my own terms, okay?

There's some things
that I need from you.

All right, whatever.

I'll wear the goddamn condom,
but I'm not psyched about it.

This isn't about condoms.

What...? Do you really not wear condoms
when you have sex with strangers?

- Why would I wear a condom...?
- Okay, I don't care. I don't care.

You know what, I just need you
to get me in Dennis' house alone

- so I can get something back from him.
- What?

None of your business.

- Is it a sex tape?
- No.

Yes. How do you know that?

Yeah, because he videotapes
every chick he bangs.

He's got like a thousand of
them. I don't like 'em though.

It's mostly that horrible
angle that you see in porns,

you know, where it's all
balls and male ass just...

That is disgusting.

Who likes that? Who finds that sexy?

- That is disgusting.
- I don't know anybody...

- Are there balls and asshole men...
- Okay, please stop. Please stop doing that.

Friend one, best friend
two, come in. Over.

I'm gonna take this, and then,

maybe a little bit later
we could do some hand stuff.

- Are you in junior high?
- Mouth stuff?

- Oh, my God.
- Mouth stuff.

- I'll talk to you in a minute.
- Best friend one to best friend two.

Okay, what's the status
there, best friend two?

You make contact with the target?

Yeah, affirmative. I
totally kicked his ass.

Good man!

Hey, what was this jerk's name?

His name...

Don.

Don. Typical.

Did you get a last name on this chump?

Yeah, Johnson.

Yeah, sounds like a real sucker.

Actually, no. He had some pretty
sweet moves, but I totally...

round housed him.

Took him out. My form
is pretty perfect, so.

Sure you did. I'm sure you
did. All right, that's my man.

That's my best friend right there.

Hey, why don't you head back to
the nest for some pizza and beer,

best friend one, over and out.

He forgot to say "over and
out." I can't believe that.

He's lying.

He's spinning you a
web of lies, Charlie.

What are you talking about, dude?

"Don Johnson."

You don't find that a little suspicious?

No. Should I?

Don Johnson's the dude
from Miami Vice,Charlie.

I'm sure there's plenty of Don
Johnsons running around Philly, dude.

I don't think so.

then maybe he beat up the, Don
Johnson you're talking about.

No, no. It's something else.

Something stinks here, bro, and
it is not just Mac's dirty socks.

- They do stink, don't they?
- They smell really bad.

Really bad.

I'm surprised you've been able to
be in here for this long without

- cracking a window or something.
- It has not been easy.

- I should crack a window.
- You really should.

I tried. It's like they're
sealed shut or something.

I hate to say this, bro, but...

I think Mac's banging the waitress.

What are you talking about?

Now, I can't say for sure.

I don't have any hard
evidence, but that's just what

it feels like from where I'm standing,
man and he's gonna break your heart, man.

And when he breaks your heart,
I'll be here to pick up the pieces

and put you back together

'cause that's what a
real best friend does.

You know where to find me.

Over and out.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ, dude.

You scared the shit outta me.

It's a little late, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah. What are, what
are you still doing up?

Oh, well, you know...

I was just waiting for my...

my best friend.

Right.

Well... I went on a long walk, so...

Hey, here's an idea for you.

How 'bout you take your mind
off of it with some pizza?

And some beer.

That's right.

I hate all the pizza.

And I had to drink all the beer.

You must be wasted, dude.
24 beers by yourself?

Yeah, and I'm very wasted.

Right. Okay. Why don't
you come to bed, bro.

Ohh, I don't think I'll be
sleeping inyourbed tonight.

Doesn't really feel right.

I feel like it might be a
little bit better for me...

if I spent the night on the couch.

Okay.

That's cool. Just make sure
you go to the bathroom, okay,

before you fall asleep 'cause I don't
want you to piss on the couch again.

Oh, well, we, we wouldn't
want that now, would we?

No! We wouldn't.

'Cause that would be...

a terrible thing to do...

to your best friend.

Seriously, bro, if you piss on the
couch again, you're gonna buy us a...

I'm not gonna piss on the
couch, not gonna happen.

I just wanta be very clear:
you're buying us a new couch.

- I'm in control of myself.
- Don't piss on the couch.

You've done it before.
All right, good night.

Hang in, Joe. Myself.

Didn't sound like best
friend talk out here to me.

It really wasn't.

You want to come in my room?

I guess I was just fine.

Come on, Charlie.

- Come to your real best friend.
- Yeah.

- You're my friend.
- I'm your friend.

- Oh, God, your breath is horrible.
- Sorry. I'm like so drunk.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Just get in the bed.

Oh, my God.

Dennis, wake up.

- What's happening?
- It's really late, dude.

There's a certain situation
developing between myself,

Charlie and the waitress that
I need to talk to you about.

Proceed.

Okay, well, as you know,
Charlie thinks that he and I are

best friends, which is total
bullshit because you know

that what we have is
much stronger than that.

- You and I are blood brothers.
- Oh, most definitely.

Okay, so,asmy blood brother, I
need to confide a secret to you.

You've been banging the waitress?

- How'd you know that?
- You're my blood brother, man.

I know more about you than
you know about yourself.

All right, listen, bro. I
need you to do me a favor.

Can you get Charlie out
of the apartment tomorrow?

Why?

'Cause she wants to bang in your bed.

I don't know. She's obsessed with
you or something. She's a total freak.

But I don't really give
a shit either way because

I just want to rub it in Charlie's face
for smashing my Project Bad ass tape.

Whatever it's gonna take to
finally get you two banging.

Yeah, hey, Dennis, I got you something.

You got me something? What?

- I got you a
walkie-talkie. - Dude...

- That's great.
- That way we can communicate better.

We'll just use a different
channel than Charlie and I use.

- That's awesome, man.
- Yeah, it's great, right?

Actually, yeah.

Let me talk to you.

Well.

What is this?

What am I seeing?

Nothing, man. You're
having a dream right now.

Yeah. Just a dream.

- I'm dreaming?
- Yeah.

- You're dreaming.
- Yeah.

You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake.

No, man. You're... this is
a dream that you're having.

All right.

Am I peeing?

Are you peeing?

- It's all over the bed.
- It's piss. He's peeing.

I told him he was gonna do
it, I knew he was gonna do it.

- He drank too much.
- Goddamn it.

Hey, guys, if I'm
peeing... You're wake me up.

Yeah, bro, but that had to
change your mind about who

your real best friend is, though, huh?

I'll give you this much, dude:
the guy's acting very weird, okay?

But I need proof if I'm
gonna sell him down the river.

Proof? He told me he
was gonna bang her, man.

Maybe the two of you
are plotting against me.

Look, it doesn't matter. I got
a plan to prove it to you anyway.

- All right, what's this plan of yours?
- Walk with me a second.

So, what I did is I planted that
walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom.

We're gonna switch your walkie
to that channel and we're gonna

listen to the whole thing. We're gonna
catch that son of a bitch red-handed.

Oh, my God, that'll work.

Yeah, it's gonna work, and the
whole thing's gonna be on tape, too.

So you know that video
camera I keep in my bedroom?

- No.
- I got that bad boy running 24/7.

It's like a security cam
except it's for banging.

- Weird.
- Come into the office with me.

Yeah, he keeps that camera
on nonstop, just in case.

Yeah! Here we go.

"W" through "Z." You
should be under "W," yeah?

No, my name doesn't start with a "W."

"Waitress." Here we go.

"Waitress." One star. Not good.

Oh, just give that to me. One star.

Okay, well, I guess a
deal's a deal, so pop those

- knickers off so we can jam, yeah?
- Not just yet.

- I need one more thing from you.
- Jesus Christ.

I just want to bang at this
point, just to get over with.

Oh, I just want to get it
over with, too, but I want you

to bang me at Charlie
and Frank's apartment.

You want to bang in Charlie
and Frank's apartment?

Yes.

Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah,
we can rub his face in it.

Okay, if we're gonna do that,
we got to be very careful,

'cause I don't want to get caught
slipping in and out before the coitus.

Let's make a plan.

Goddamn it, this doesn't make any
sense, we should be hearing them by now.

We aren't we hearing them?

'Cause I turned it off.

What do you mean, you turned it off?

I don't want to listen to this, man!

- you got to listen to it.
- I don't think I can.

You need to hear him sexing her, okay?

Because the video alone won't be
evidence enough because of the angle.

What's wrong with the angle?

Let's put it this way, you
won't be able to see anybody's

- face, you know what I'm saying?
- Oh, it's the low down...

- You got it.
- I know.

If we're gonna do this,
the only way it's gonna work

is if you're dressed like a man.

- Dressed like a man?
- You want me to dress like a man?

Yeah. The only way it's
really gonna work for me is if

you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie.

I should probably dress like Charlie,
'cause he's kind of my height.

No. No, I'm gonna be Charlie,
you're gonna be Dennis.

That's gonna be much
better for me, trust me.

We'll dress you up in his clothes,

and, then, that way we can
slip you in and out with ease.

'Cause we got to be very careful, this
could be a very very messy situation.

'Kay, so I want you to stay behind me.

Get behind me and stay
behind me, the whole time.

I think I want to be in front of you.

No, no. You got to be behind
me. I got to have you behind me.

- What the hell is that all about, man?
- I don't know.

Now, from here on out, I'm gonna
refer to you only as Dennis.

When we slip in, you're
gonna start banging me, hard!

- Okay.
- Good.

Well... Mac's gay.

Blood Brother One to Blood Brother Two.

Are you there, Blood Brother Two?

Yeah, this is Blood
Brother Two... go ahead.

My mission's extremely close to
being complete. But I need a favor.

I need you to get Frank and Charlie
away from their apartment, okay?

I need to get in there
without being detected.

Blood Brother One, over and out!

Now he says "over and out." I can't
believe he just said "over and out."

What do you think he wants
over at your apartment?

I don't know what's
going on with him, man.

Oh, shit, dude, I know what it is.

this is sick, but hear me out.

I think he wants to be you getting
banged by me in your apartment.

It's like role-play!

Oh, God, he's got some sick, twisted
obsession with us, man, and, like...

He's totally obsessed with us.

That's why he's showing us all those videos
and trying to prove to us that he's a badass.

He wants to impress us
because he's in love with us.

Oh, my God, he's soin love with us.

Oh, my God. dude!

- This is twisted.
- This is dark.

We definitely need to get to about this.

Look, let's just find
a hiding spot, okay?

Okay, good.

I'm thinking if I get in the
bed and I get real low and flat,

and maybe you're underneath me or on
top of me, you know, they won't see us.

Well, how does that work?

Okay, well, see, here's the problem.

If I get all balled up and
small, I get too high, and

you'll see that there's
someone in the bed.

Now, the further and wider I go,

the flatter I become,
like a starfish, you know?

What in the hell are you talking about?

Why would we want to
look like a starfish?

It's just the best hiding spot. There
aren't a lot of good hiding spots here, man.

Yeah, we need to find another one,
'cause we're not hiding in the bed.

These things are covered in piss.

All right, come on.

- Come on! Stay behind me.
- Why are these jeans so tight?

Because Dennis takes them all in at the
thighs to accentuate his female form.

I would never say it to his
face, but Dennis has great thighs.

All right, now, let's stop
talking and start banging.

- We busted you!
- Caught!

- You are busted!
- we're busted?

Because you look pretty busted.

no, this is the best way
to hide in my apartment.

Goddamn it, Charlie, I knew we
shouldn't have done this in the bed!

Why did you have to get on top of me?!

that's the only way to hide and have
it not be noticeable in my apartment!

There's nowhere to hide in here!

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Coming in here, talking about how
in love with my thighs you are.

Yeah, or is it my creamy
thighs you're after?

I see you've taken to wearing
my clothes, you sick freak.

Come on, you heard him talking
about my thighs when he came in.

It was my thighs, dude,
it's always been my thighs.

- Were you guys humping?
- No!

Oh, my God, where is the tape?

What?

The sex tape that
Frank made, where is it?

Frank made a sex tape, too?

Yes, apparently, he made
a tape of us having sex

when I banged him to get back at Dennis.

Oh, no, that's gone.

Yeah, all right, here's
what happened, guys.

I thought it was one of Mac's
Project Badasstapes, so I pop

it in the VCR to watch it, I see what
it is, I become violently ill, okay?

Then I start smashing. And I smash good.

So that's what you were smashing.

Oh, my God, bro, I thought you were smashing
my Project Bad ass tape because you hated it.

What, dude? I love Project Bad ass.
I watch those tapes all the time.

Okay, so the sex tape is gone, then?

Yeah. I smashed the
crap out of it. Gone.

Great. Good. Thank you, Charlie. Thanks.

- You're welcome.
- Kind of don't know what else to say.

Say, I will have dinner with you and
thank you for this, and thank you.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Just say the words...

No, I will never go out
with you. Oh, my God!

I will say them for you.
You should be more grateful!

I'm sorry.

I was gonna bang the witch
just to get back at you, because

I thought you smashed my tape,
and I'm glad I didn't now, right?

'Cause that chick is the worst.

- man, she's terrible, gross.
- Only got one star from me.

- I saw that.
- You're watching my tapes again?

- Yeah.
- What'd you think?

You got weird balls.

You should see Frank's balls.

They're like planets.

You know what this all
makes me realize, though?

Is that maybe the three of us
were meant to be best friends...

together.

Yeah, that would 'cause a lot
less problems if we just called

it even, said we're all best buds
and no more turning on each other.

You can have more than
one best friend, right?

- Absolutely.
- Absolutely.

Three best friends.

Yeah, the Three Amigos, huh?

All right! The three...

- Musketeers!
- Blind mice!

- The three...
- Stooges.

I don't want to be
associated with those...

- I wanna get one.
- There's another one out there.

- Move past it.
- I can't get it. All right.

Let's move past it, let's
put it behind us, guys.

Let's put it behind us, and let's
concentrate on what's really important.

Hello, and welcome to
Project Badassvolume XVI.

As you can see, the mattresses
are stacked three high,

creating a safe but still
amazingly badass landing zone.

I will now light the fuse

that is attached to the pyrotechnics
all over my jacket and pants.

Here goes.

One, two, three...

bad ass.

Hey, man, do you still get the
feeling he wants to bang us?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.
- That's what this is all about, huh?

I think so, I think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.