It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest - full transcript

you better have a good reason for
getting us out of bed this early, jerk.

I got a goddamn great reason
for getting you out of bed.

This bar is hemorrhaging money.

You gotta spend money to make
money: Economics 101, dude.

You're bleeding us to death,

especially with that
company credit card you got.

That is for business expenses, Frank.
Everything on there is a business expense.

Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?

Right over here, slick. Don't want to have
hair down there. You know what I'm saying?

Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?

Your head of security.

Yeah. Just wait till he saves
your life one day with it.

$6,000 on a camcorder.

Well, I decided what
I'm going to do is I'm

going to take all those
hilarious characters that I've

been creating over the past
several years, to put them on tape,

I'm going to put them on YouTube.

That way, I can get discovered
by, like, a casting director or

a producer, get some kind
of a TV development deal.

Yeah, right. So the point is, Frank,
is that these are all business expenses.

I mean, some are definitely
more realistic than others.

- Yeah. Not that one.
- No, not at all.

But, nonetheless, it was, I believe,
bought as a business expense.

They're not business expenses.

What I bought is a business expense.

What I bought is something
that's going to save our asses.

Okay. Yeah. All right.

- What did you get?
- I bought a billboard.

its always.sunny in philly 403

Synchro : Flolo

Okay, so I'm thinking

we write on the billboard,
in nice big letters, "We have

two-for-one drink
specials on Thursdays."

And, on the bottom, you have a
hilarious picture of Green Man

kicking someone in the nuts. And people
will go, "Hey, what's this wacky place?

- Where can I have those drinks?"
- It is really astonishing how bad your idea is.

- How is that a bad idea?
- Go sit down.

The adults are working.
The adults are working.

When we need a child, we'll call you.

Dennis, you and I on the same
team. Hot chick up on the billboard.

- Sex sells. Boom.
- absolutely.

It's Advertising 101: long legs,
taut breasts and tight poopers.

I'm just going to jump in
here real quick and point out

that this is the point in the
conversation where I would volunteer

to be the girl on the
billboard, and then you guys

would talk about how ugly you
think I am, and compare me to

- some sort of giant bird.
- You look so much like a bird.

- Dennis, I was thinking fish recently.
- Really?

Yeah. Her eyes are so far
apart, they're like they're on...

Okay, okay, but I don't
want to be on your billboard.

I'm not going to ask to be because
you wouldn't let me be on it anyway.

No. That's sensible. You
don't even have to ask.

There's no way you can
be up on that billboard.

- Let me get the point out! The point is...
- She's better than you.

I don't want to be on your
billboard, and I'll tell you why.

I'm going to take one of my
characters and I'm going to

launch a viral video and
promote Paddy's myself.

A viral video? There's about a billion
of those on YouTube. Who gives a shit?

you think anyone gives
a shit about a billboard?

Wake up, donkeys.

The Internet is where it's at, and
I'm going to be an Internet sensation.

You're totally right. If you don't
mind, I'm going to come with you.

Maybe I can throw Green Man
into a couple of your videos,

you know, and work it out.
That'll get a lot of hits.

You can help me out, Charlie,
but we're not going to put Green

- Man into anything.
- Well, we'll see about that.

- We'll see about that.
- Well, we will.

All right. Later, dudes!

"S" you in your "A"s, don't wear
"C"s, and "J" all over your "B"s.

Why would he not want a "C"...?

I don't even know what he's talking
about half the time, bro, but...

hey, Frank, I'm glad you're here, bro.

- We're talking billboard ideas.
- Don't waste your time.

I know what the billboard's
going to look like already:

two gorgeous girls up there, giant
cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.

Well, that's just simply
not going to happen.

Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude.

Maybe weshouldput a dude
up there, certainly not him.

but if we put some hot beefcake up
there, maybe it will attract more chicks.

That's a good point. Okay, I like
that. Let's slapmypicture up there.

It's about time I got my modeling
career off the ground anyway.

Don't flatter yourself.

You're not going to be up there
because I'm going to be the face

- of Paddy's Bar.
- That's ridiculous, Frank.

You're... ugly.

What? Ugly?

- I'm ugly?
- Yeah.

With that anteater nose,
you're telling meI'mugly.

My nose was chiseled by
the gods themselves, Frank.

My body was sculpted to the
proportions of Michelangelo's David.

You, on the other hand, well...

you're a pit of despair.

Frank, you disgust me.

You disgust everyone.

And you will never, ever
be on that billboard.

Good morning, Philadelphia!

I'm Crazy Paddy, and
I'm coming to you from

Paddy's Pub, telling
you to come on down.

We're slashing prices so low

you won't need a pot of gold to get
sloppy. So come on down to Paddy's.

It's insane!

- What is that?
- Did you like that?

No. That's not what
YouTube videos are like.

- that's a great character.
- No, That's like a bad

late-night commercial you'd see, like,
on the cable network or something.

Maybe you didn't get it. I'm crazy
'cause I'm pricing the beer too low.

I think I got it. I think I got it.

The beer's too low for what
average beer prices are.

All right, you know what?
Let's just do it again,

maybe throw in some more
jokes or something, you know?

- Make it funnier.
- You're absolutely right.

You can make it funnier.
you're a funny girl.

You ready?

Good morning, Philadelphia.

I'm Crazy Paddy.

Oh, my God!

Why...?

Now, that was funny.
Dee, that's awesome!

- what do you that?
- That's what YouTube video is.

That's funny?

You ever see those girls
mashing the grapes, and then

- slips and she's, like...?
- Why did you do that, Charlie?

- That's what people want to see.
- Oh, my God!

People getting injured or
seriously hurt-- that's funny!

Okay? Let's just do
this. This is... Trust me.

This is what gets hits on YouTube.

- All right. Are you ready?
- Yeah. I was ready from...

Stop talking.

I'm crazy Patty...

Nope. Okay.

I'm Crazy Patty...

What are you doing? You're
lunging every time now.

I'm sorry.

I can't concentrate when I'm about to
get blasted in the face with a ball.

I'll blast you all over
if you flinch again.

Let's just do this.

Let's just do this. Action!

Goddamn!

- Goddamn!
- That is funny.

I don't like it, Charlie.
I don't think it's funny.

It doesn't hurt too bad.

Bro, can you believe how many
hot chicks showed up for a

casting call for a billboard?
How have we not done this before?

Yeah. Yeah, man. Plus, think about it.

Dennis Reynolds, 40
feet tall and shirtless.

- it's going to be so perfect!
- Let's go.

- Just take your places over there.
- Frank, what are you doing?

- We're looking for models, right?
- Yeah.

I went on a stud hunt.

I came back with beefcake.

What are you talking about,
Frank? I'm the male model.

Rex? Rex?

What are these guys
for? We don't need Rex.

Take your shirt off.

Come on, you don't need
to take your shirt off.

well, okay, if you're
looking for that...

Now, that, that is what
you call a stallion.

That is a stallion.

I didn't know you guys were
looking for a stallion. I'm a stallion.

Dennis, you think
Frank's got a point here?

I don't think he has a
point. I'm a stallion.

All right, this is messy.

look, buddy, 2003 Dennis, okay,
he was Grade-A prime beefcake.

No one is disputing
that. He was a stallion.

But 2008 Dennis is in decline.

Take a look at Rex here.

That is a body that just won't quit.

I bet if you pop those pants off, you're
gonna find a bird that just won't quit either.

And I think that'll come
in handy in this situation.

I think the problem here
is that your body quit.

Your bird quit.

And unfortunately, it's no longer legit.

What the hell you
talking about, my bird?

All right, let's get
back to business here.

Attention, ladies, I'm
gonna need all the A cups to

please head for the back door.

Charlie, are you ready with the camera?

Yeah, I'm trying to set it
up. It takes a second, Dee.

All right, who the hell's
this character you're doing?

this one? It's a really great one.

Her name's Martina Martinez, and
she is a streetwise Puerto Rican

girl who's always quick
with a sassy comeback.

- Are you serious?
- Yes, it's awesome.

Now let's go over
what we're doing again.

I go up, I talk, you come in
with the volleyball, you hit him

in the face, and you get out of there.

Okay. I'm gonna hit a random person
in the face with a volleyball.

But don't come in too early
'cause I got some material

I want to do and I don't want
you to cut me off this time.

Saturday Night Live is gonna, I
think they're gonna really love this.

- Do you really think that?
- Charlie, Charlie, go, go, go.

I'm horrified that he's even here.

excuse me. Can I talk to you use?

What?

Youse a bunch of white boys, right?

Can I axe you a question?

When you be in the
clubs and you be dancing,

why you look so stupid?

I'm just playin'.

So youse a big man, right?

But you got such tiny boots on.

That means you got a small pecker.

I'm sorry. I'm just playin'.

I'm Martina Martinez.

Okay, attention, ladies,
gentlemen, hotties and beefcakes.

You were brought here because you are the
most beautiful people in all of Philadelphia.

And as such, the honor has
been bestowed upon all of you

to compete in Paddy's first
Next Top Billboard Model contest.

- What's the pay?
- What?!

What is the pay?

The pay, sir, is getting your
face 40 feet up on a billboard.

- So there's no pay then?
- I just told you what the pay is.

He told you what the goddamn pay was.

- The billboard thing.
- Were you not listening?

- Well, I'm outta here.
- Fine. Fine. You leave.

We don't need you
people. Everybody else.

Let's take their lack of
dedication as a lesson, shall we?

Competitions like this
aren't about money.

They're about fame.

They are about putting yourself
on display to the world and

saying, "I'm good enough
because I beat everyone else,

- and I got myself up on a billboard."
- Not so fast.

What the hell are you doing here?

I want in the competion.

Approach.

Dennis, I told you you
don't have the right stuff.

I got the right stuff, Frank.
I can win this thing, I know it.

All right, judges' side bar.

Do you want to let him in?

Bro, he's been talking about
this modeling thing for years.

If only to shut him up.

- You're in.
- Oh, yeah! Yes! Huh?

You...

Okay, the first competion
is the underwear competion.

Boom!

How's your face, Dee?

How do you think it is, Charlie?

You kept hitting me over and over
in the same spot with a volleyball.

And I was explicitly
clear: no more Green Man.

Come on. Green Man's what
makes this thing work.

Green Man is not what
makes it work, Charlie.

My characters are what make it work.

No more Green Man. And
we're not doing it anymore.

All right. Geez, relax.

You're nothing without Green Man.

shit.

Dee, you know what?

This is all like a bad frame and stuff.

This isn't gonna work.
We got to do it again.

What?

The camera was too low. We got to...

Hey, diary. It's me.

It's Thursday, September
30th about midnight.

I'm alone, of course, again.

And I just had a little
bit too much ice cream.

Interesting.

Okay, Frank, can I talk
to you for a second?

What's up?

Bro, originally, my plan was to
just bang a bunch of models, right?

Okay, but after talking
to a few of them,

I feel like I could
find my true love here.

You think you could fall in
love with one of these broads?

Yeah, dude, eventually, I
got to settle down, right?

Spread my seed. Haven't
you ever seen The Bachelor?

Look, you get a whole bunch
of them together, you make them

compete over you,
bing-bang-boom, soulmate.

that sounds good.

Well, okay, you take the girls,
and I'll take Dennis and the dudes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You'll just give me the girls?
- Absolutely.

- I can have my own competition.
- Awesome.

I don't understand it, but I don't care.

- All right, thanks, bud.
- All right. See ya.

All right, whatever. Thank you.

All right, where are all my male models?

Come forward. Come forward.

Okay, as you know, in
the world of modeling,

you're sometimes asked to model a theme.

Today's theme is barnyard.

Okay, everybody, come on the
stage that I have prepared to

give you a little ambience.

Okay, here's a baby pool that
you're all going to get into.

And there's a lot of hay and
there's some chickens and ducks.

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed
to be dirt? It smells like shit.

It is shit. This is a barnyard.

No one is going to step in shit.

Rex, are you kidding me? Seriously,
are you just gonna step right in it?

I want to win, bro. Billboard.

Dee, what is this getup?
What are you doing now?

What is that?

okay. This is Taiwan Tammy.

She on runway and do
a drag queen in nails.

thank you!

Are you kidding me?
That is extremely racist.

Isn't it awesome? I'm so
excited about this one.

All right, well, good
luck to you on that.

Why are you hands in your pockets?

They're itchy.

- Your hands are itchy?
- My hands are a little itchy.

Your hands are in your
pockets 'cause they're itchy?

Goddamn it! I knew it!
Charlie, what are you doing?

- I said no Green Man!
- Green Man sells this whole thing.

It doesn't make any
sense! Goddamn it, Charlie!

- Hey, I know you.
- What?

Yeah, you that, that
girl, PatheticGirl43.

PatheticGirl?

I almost didn't recognize you
in that getup, but I recognize

that whiny voice anywhere.

Hey, you mind if we
get a picture together?

Yeah, let's get a picture. I
can't believe you recognized us.

You saw the YouTube thing, right?

Charlie, what is going on?

I'll show you later.

In other news, it seems like
I have a rash in a place where

a sexually active person
should have a rash.

Green Man!

Oh, my God, you put that on YouTube?

- Oh, my God, I totally did.
- Charlie, why would you do that to me?

- Because that's great stuff.
- That was my private video diary.

- 80,000 hits.
- 80,000?

80,000 hits, Dee. That's huge!

- Big numbers.
- Yeah, come on.

Don't take this to heart.
Don't take this the wrong way.

Hey, look, you got recognized
on the street today.

- That happened.
- So did I.

- Well, it was me first.
- But the point

is that's the first step
to becoming hugely famous...

- Pretty awesome.
- is people noticing you on the Internet

- 80,00 hits.
- That's a lot of hits, Charlie.

You know what it's
like for Chocolate Rain

- when he goes around in the world?
- He gets free food.

He gets free everything
because people love that guy.

Charlie, fire up that video camera.

There you go.

Okay, Anya, so they
are in fact, double Ds.

That's great news.

Well, you got a great
look, no denying that.

Let me ask you a question, though.

Why should I pick you
over the other girls?

I'm willing to do
anything in order to win.

You're talking about banging me, right?

Maybe.

- If you say yes...
- Yes.

Okay, great. You said yes.

Okay, Anya said yes.

That's written down now.
That's like a contract.

All right, perfect. Can't go back on it.

All right, well, thank
you for coming in.

- Thank you.
- Nice talking to you.

- You, too.
- You got a great shot.

You got a great ass.

All right.

- Hi.
- Hi. Rochelle.

Yes.

Rochelle, Rochelle, Rochelle.
Thank you for coming in.

I'm having all the girls come
in just to make sure we vibe.

Of course.

What's the difference between
you and the rest of the girls?

Well, my heart is in this 100%

and for more than just a billboard.

For more than a billboard?

That's interesting. I
haven't heard that yet.

No?

I feel like there's
vibing happening right now.

This is the vibing I'm talking about.

Yeah.

I feel like we're
completing each other's...

... sentences.

Yeah, I was gonna say sentences!

- I know.
- Oh, my God!

- How did you read my...?
- ...mind?

I was gonna say "head," but
that's okay, that's all right.

We got, we're one for two.

- Okay.
- That's okay. 50%.

You and I are gonna get along very well.

Rex, that is a sexy jaguar.

I mean, that jaguar is fierce!

I've never been turned
on by a jaguar before.

This has totally changed
my mind toward jaguars.

Dennis, your mule is shit.

I'm no longer turned on by mules.

You gave Rex jaguar!

There aren't jaguars in barns.

What the hell am I
supposed to do with a mule?

You can't make a mule sexy.

Dennis, you've been out modeled.

I have not been out modeled.

I haven't even begun
to work this hot body.

What's the next event?

The clothes-off
pose-off.

Jesus Christ, Frank.

I got burns! What are you doing?

Anything can happen on a runway, Dennis.

Nobody's gonna throw detergent
in my eyeballs on a runway, Frank!

And you think that was bad.

Check out this tasty delight.

You got to eat cockroaches next.

You know what, man? Screw
this. I'm outta here.

Finished.

Jesus, Rex, I didn't tell
you to start eating yet.

That doesn't disqualify me, does it?

No, you're good.

hey, diary.

Listen, today was the worst day ever.

I had an audition, and I didn't get the
part, which is really, really strange for me.

But then the casting director
called, and they were, like,

"We thought you were just
better for a different part."

And I was, like, "That
makes more sense."

- Cut, cut!
- What are you doing? That was great.

What are you doing?

Why don't you do it like you did the
first time? Dee, this is just weird.

This is what I do. I just talk
into the camera about my life.

Are you kidding? You never do this.

You have all these colors on your
face, your mouth is going like this.

Don't bust my balls. This
is great exposure for me.

- This is stupid, Dee.
- Hey, Charlie, you are here.

- what the hell's going on?
- I don't know.

- Doesn't she look ridiculous?
- Get out of here! What are you doing here?

- He almost didn't recognize you?
- Are you guys shooting a porn?

- No, we're not...
- Never mind. I don't care.

Listen, we need to get that
company credit card from Frank.

- Yeah? What's up?
- Dude, I realized something.

I don't need validation
anymore. How great is that?

But what I do need is I need
the company credit card so that

I can buy myself a billboard,
get myself out there and show the

entire world that Dennis
Reynolds still has a rocking body

that deserves to be worshipped.

Get out of here! We're in
the middle of something.

- No, you get out of here.
- Get out!

Help me get the credit
card. I need that billboard!

Hang on a second.
Okay, look, guys, guys,

there's a way to make you
guys both happy, all right?

I got a pretty good plan how to do this.

Hey, everybody,
PatheticGirl43 here coming

to you live with Philadelphia's
next hot model Dennis Reynolds.

Dennis, tell us what it's
like to be so handsome.

Well, I like to think I've been this
handsome since birth, possibly even earlier.

Green Man!

This shamrock... will be
awarded to the winner as

a symbol of my vote and
love for this competion.

Rochelle, you taught me about
love, respect, inner beauty.

Dominique, you banged
me, like, right away.

I hardly had to do anything.
Tabitha, you did the same.

But most importantly,
you banged each other.

And you let me watch.

Awesome.

But when I was making this decision,

I thought long and hard and I thought,

"I have to go with my heart.

I have to go with my heart."

So I'm gonna do something
a little unorthodox here.

A top of the morning to both of you!

What?

I had two of them. I had
another one here. I tricked you.

I got both of you guys.

But you just said that I taught
you about inner beauty and respect.

Yeah, but this whole thing's about
banging, and you didn't bang me, so...

- You're a dick!
- I know.

And that's what I learned.

Check it out. Check it out!

- What is it?
- I'll tell you what it is, bitch.

It's a YouTube video that me,
Dee and and Charlie just made

that's gonna get a million
hits. So guess what, pal.

Don't need your
billboard. I'm going viral.

I'm glad you don't need it because you
can't have it because it's already up.

What?

Yeah, I put it up right
after you called me ugly.

There's no billboard?

Oh, yeah, sorry about that, Rex. My bad.

So wait. If you already
put the billboard up,

what'd you put on it?