It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition - full transcript

Admit it, dude.
You totally cried.

I didn't cry, Charlie.

I saw tears coming out of
your eye...

Extreme Home Makeover will
make the hardest man soft.

Oh, it makes everybody cry.

- That is really ridiculous.
- Oh, is it?

You're the biggest thief I've
ever met in my life.

Dennis, do you know that she is
inheriting my house?

Of course he knows it. He's the one who
lost the house by letting you into it.

And now since I'm his next of
kin the house belongs to me.

Frank, if you want to get
your house back, check it out.

Make a vision board, put your
house on it-- boom.

- You get the house back.
- What the hell's a vision board?

Oh, it's the secret.

Yeah, the secret is a self-help book
that Dee read and explained to us.

It's about how you can get whatever
you want without having to work for it.

Yeah, man, all you have to do is envision
all the shit in the world that you want,

cut pictures of it out and paste it
on a board,

- and then you get it. You get the stuff.
- Check it out.

See how I got all these sweet pics of
Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover?

I'm gonna become like him.
I'm gonna have that dude's life.

Yeah, now, that's Charlie's
vision, but it's not mine.

You see, my vision is to have a
gorgeous yellow Lamborghini

that I'm very much
looking forward to driving.

Yeah, and I'm gonna
impregnate Danica Patrick

while getting drunk in the Sahara
Desert on a dune buggy.

I hate to tell you this, but,
you know, this self-help stuff--

it's all bullshit. It's a big scam.

Oh, is it, Frank? That's funny,
'cause that's how I got the house.

See, I envisioned the courts
recognizing how ridiculous it was

that my son of a bitch, asshole
mother didn't leave me anything

and then I did some good deeds
and boom, I'm rich. Mansion rich.

Wait a second.

You didn't say anything about doing
good deeds. Is that a part of this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's part of it.

You have to do that.
You get back what you put in.

Right!
That makes sense.

That's probably why Ty
Pennington has such a sweet life.

- Yeah, man, and he's got great hair, too.
- Of course he's got great hair.

You know, this has got me
thinking, guys.

It could be really beneficial
for us to go out and actually

- do some good deeds.
- Wait a second.

Maybe helping other people is
the best way to help ourselves.

Right, right. So like what is the
best way you can help other people?

The best way in the world to
help other people.

- What would Ty Pennington do?
- What would Ty Pennington do?

Synchro: Criztian & Sososeries

What the hell are you doin'
with my bowling ball?

It's no longer a bowling ball,
Frank, it's now a wrecking ball.

We're gonna use it to tear down a house
and then we're gonna build up a dream.

Yeah, baby. And then we get our
Lamborghinis and our Danica Patricks and...

- Whatever we want.
- Ooh, you guys.

I want to jump in on this if
that's okay,

'cause I ran the numbers and I'm gonna
need a butt load of money

to pay the property taxes
on my new mansion.

- My mansion.
- Jesus, Frank, really still?

Why do you care?
You don't even want to live there.

That's not the point,
Deandra-- the point is

it is my house and I should own it!

I'll tell you what. Help us out and the
universe'll probably give it back to you.

I don't think so, Charlie. See, I'm
operating at a much higher vibration

which I think is gonna counteract
his attempts at positive energy.

I'll keep the house.

You think that your energy's
more positive than mine?

Uh, yeah.

I want in on this so I can
screw over Deandra.

You know what, man?
Perfect,

because we were planning
on using your construction experience

and your connections anyway.

- I'll be the foreman.
- Yeah, great, excellent.

Well, then why don't you hop on
the renovations with Charlie

and I-- Mac, why don't you get
started on the family makeover with Dee.

Family makeover with Dee? No, I want
to be a part of the renovation team.

I know you do, but the thing
is...

You get so excited about the smashing
and then you make it competitive.

- You turn it into a competition.
- That's bullshit,

because I'm a better
smasher than you guys!

I should be on the head of the
smashing team!

- You want to have a smash off?
- A smash off?!

- You can't even help yourself, can you?
- Okay, fine, fine.

Dee and I are gonna kick your
ass, okay.

Because our makeover is gonna be
so much more extreme than yours.

Well, now hold on a second.
Charlie,

our renovations are
gonna be pretty extreme, right?

Let's-let's all agree that
we're gonna go about this

in the most extreme way
possible, okay.

First things first, let's find a family
to unleash our extremeness all over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a desperate family
that's gonna yield us the highest return.

How about the Mexican family
that moved in down the block?

Right. What is their name?
The Juarez family I think.

Oh, that's perfect!
We can help the Juarez family.

- Great. Great.
- They're good, they're good.

Their place is a real shit-hole.

Okay, great, then the Juarez
family it is. It's settled.

Okay, okay, and I think I know the
most extreme way to go about this.

Okay, Dee, you got the
blindfolds, right?

Well, do you guys think that
the blindfolds

- are absolutely necessary?
- Yes, the blindfolds are necessary.

They're there to heighten the
sense of surprise and excitement

creating an enjoyable experience
for the family-- extreme!

Okay, but here's the thing.
I couldn't find any blindfolds per say,

but I did bring some plastic bags.

Ok, here we go, bitchies...

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Good morning, Juarez family!

Wake up, my brown friend.
It's time to change your life.

Yeah!

Is that inspirational music,
what is that?

Yeah, man, inspirational.

All right, that's cool.
That's cool, I guess.

Come here, you little rug rat.

What are you doing?

What's wrong, buddy?
Come on, I'm trying to help you.

Hey, where's your wife?
Come on!

Look, I'm gonna fix your house.

Where's your daughter?
Where's your daughter?

Congratulations!
We've got a surprise for you.

Okay, hold still.

Can't run from
the kindness of strangers.

We are taking over your house.
Your house is ours now!

Your lives are gonna change
forever.

- Oh, it feels good to help people.
- Oh, man, it sure does.

Okay, bag 'em.

And good-bye, Juarez family.

Yeah, all right!
Good job! Good job!

- Hey, foreman, what's the plan?
- Mr. Foreman.

- The plan?
- Yeah.

You guys get to work.
I'm gonna go hop in one of their beds

and get some shut-eye.
I'm running on fumes.

Hey, man, there's no time for that.
We're on a deadline here.

Now, when's your crew arriving?

My crew, what crew?

The construction crew.
When do those guys get here?

You-you're the crew.

That's the way I do it.
I hire two guys and let them sweat it out.

All right, now, keep it down
because I'm a very light sleeper.

Welcome to makeover
headquarters, Juarez family!

This is gonna be your home for
the next couple of days.

Hey, in order to assimilate
you with American culture,

we've decided to surround
you with all things American.

Now who's ready for a makeover?

This one is.

- Um, not that excited.
- No, not that excited at all.

I... okay, I think there
might be a bit of a language barrier.

- Well, that could be an issue.
- Well, no, no, no, no.

No, hold up, uh, somebody took a
couple years of Spanish in high school.

- Okay, you rember?
- I'm gonna dust off the cobwebs

and see if I can fire
off a couple phrases.

Tell them, um, to relax first off
'cause they look a little tense.

And then, uh, we're gonna build
them a new house

and a new life just like
on Extreme Makeover on TV.

Okay, okay.

Juarez, be easy.

Your house is no more.

Your life is no more.

We are extreme.

Like television.

Yes?

Yes?

- Yes!
- See, they get it.

- I still got it.
- They get it.

We are extreme!

Yeah, America!

I'll tell you what, man, the
more I look at this place,

the nicer I think it is, you know?
It's a nice place.

No, it's a very charming,
charming place.

- What are you doing, dude?
- What do you mean?

- Why are you smashing stuff?
- I smashed it.

It's important that
we get rid of anything

that will remind the Juarez
family of their old country.

Bro, they're Americans now.
Americans don't hold on to the past.

Oh, the past isn't useful.
You got to forget about it.

- Okay, the past isn't...
- We got to gut this entire place.

Here's what I'm thinking now.
After we got done smashing all their

old shit, I'm thinking we take out
this wall. You know what I mean?

- Just let the room breathe a little bit.
- Okay, and you think that's better than just, like,

- ripping the whole house down, just...
- Yeah, why...

- ...tearing the whole thing down?
- Were you planning on destroying the entire house?

- Yeah.
- We can't demolish the entire house.

That's what they do on
Extreme Makeover.

- They rip the whole house down.
- Do you know how to build an entire house?

- No, I don't know how to...
- I know.

Well, I hadn't thought that far...
we would have to build a whole house.

- Yeah, we would have to build a new...
- I can't build a whole house.

You know what, let's just
smash the one wall.

And then, we'll throw a
couple layers of paint up,

- and then we'll get our Lamborghinis and...
- Okay, good.

Let me see if the lamp takes
a little dent out of it.

And... here comes the pitch.

- Oh, it didn't really dent the wall, though.
- No, but it did break the lamp,

- and that's part of this.
- It did break the lamp.

- I'm gonna break this.
- What's...

what's all the racket down here?

Hey, some of us are trying to
do some work here, Frank.

I don't know if you noticed.

Has anybody scored on their
vision board yet?

How on Earth can we score on
our vision boards...

- We just started.
- Yeah, we've been doing this for like 30 minutes.

30 minutes? I feel like
I've been sleeping for a day.

That broke bastard's
bed is soft as shit.

You think they got any beer in
the icebox?

- I could drink a swimming pool.
- Frank, you are a terrible foreman.

You know what,
back me up on this, Charlie.

- You're out of here, dude.
- I think so.

- You're... you're done.
- You can't kick the foreman out.

I'm the foreman.
I tell you what to do.

- That's the way it works.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- You're gonna tell me how it works?

- Yeah.
- I watch Extreme Home Makeover.

- I know how it works. What?
- Charlie!

That show is just a bunch
of manipulation to get people to cry,

and then, they trick the
viewers into buying shit.

Buying shit?
What are you talking about?

That show is about how awesome
Sears is!

And how much Sears products
save people's lives!

And it's about caring and Sears
and...

Okay, I'm not...

Now, you don't see Ty Pennington
losing his cool.

- Do you want to be like him?
- Yeah.

All right, well, then, just breathe for me.
Feel what I'm doing.

Yeah, dude, I just...

I'm sorry, bro, but I get very
passionate about Sears...

I mean,Extreme Home Make...
I mean, what... what...

- Helping people.
- Helping people.

Don't stop.

I don't understand
why this is happening.

Our visas came through, yes?

I don't think these people are the INS.

I think we're been kidnapped.

Baseball.

Frank, what the hell are you
doing here?

Those dick wads threw me off
my own work site.

So, how's the old vision board coming?
You getting everything you want?

No, actually, we just started
the whole makeover process.

Yeah, we realized the reason
why the Juarez family

hasn't achieved the American dream yet is
because they haven't envisioned it strong enough.

Right, so we're having them do
their own visions board, so here.

Why don't you be a lamb and pass
out some materials.

- What?
- Be helpful.

Do something positive with your
life, piece of shit.

Magazines, magazines.
Here-- magazines.

And cut them out with this.

- What are you looking at?
- She doesn't understand what you're saying.

No, no, you got to say, "Corta".
That means "cut".

Corta, corta!

I am gonna blast your face off.

- Okay, what did you...
- No one's gonna blast your face.

No one's gonna do that.
What did you say to her?

I said what you said to say to her,

and she stabbed me in the leg
with the goddamn scissors.

- Deal with it.
- All right, all right, okay.

Lower your cutting tool, please.

Man is crazy with gun

Right?

And make danger for all of us.

- Yes.
- Okay, careful, watch it.

Don't make man hurt you.

- Yes?
- Yes, yes.

- That makes sense, yeah?
- They got it.

I'm really good at this.

Dennis, yo.
Last-minute thing.

God, I have this brilliant idea.

We need a project for him, dude.

You know, we got ourselves a
little Mexican girl here, and I'm thinking...

what does a little Mexican girl love
more than anything else in the world?

- Tacos.
- Tacos, buddy.

So, why not make for her a taco bed?

- You know what I mean?
- Okay.

She gets to, like, be in
a taco every day.

So, okay, I got yellow sheets...
that's cheese.

Green: guacamole.
Red: a little pillow for salsa.

And I got these cute little
brown PJs so that she gets

to feel like ground meat
while she's sleeping.

- She's the ground meat in the middle.
- She's the ground meat in the middle.

I like that, man.
That's a good idea.

What is this blowtorch for, man?

Well, that's a propane torch.

That thing's badass, man.
It's like a flamethrower.

But what function is it
gonna serve in the home?

It's for the renovation, man.
It's for the controlled burns.

I don't think they do
controlled burns, man.

Are you kidding me? Bro, they
definitely do controlled burns.

- They do it off screen.
- Off screen.

How do you think they tear
down an entire wall so quickly?

They burn it up.

The community has got a
lot to do with it, and then,

maybe it's for burning the
extra rubble.

It's for tearing stuff down.

- Are you sure we need it?
- They take stuff outside and...

I'm not sure we...

I'm buying it. So, go ahead
and ring that up.

What are we looking at here?

That will be $3,212.11.

We're just gonna go
ahead and put all this

on the Extreme Home
Makeover account.

Ring it up.

I have no idea what you're
talking about.

Really?

We're performing an extreme
home makeover.

So, do you not have
a button for that?

We're helping out
a family in need, okay?

We're gonna do some good deeds.

You know, we got
a vision board thing going.

This is a legitimate
operation, okay?

This is the real deal.
I got a whole taco bed.

You know what... if you just give us
the stuff, we'll be on our way.

I'm sorry, we don't just
give stuff away.

I don't know why
you're breaking my balls here.

Sears does this, okay?
Sears gives people stuff.

Sears doesn't get
anything out of it.

Sears doesn't come in and start...

Look, we don't have
any money, okay?

What are we supposed to do here?

I don't know what
to tell you.

If you don't have a bad credit history,
you can open up a store credit card.

Credit card, huh?

All right, just go ahead and
sign right there, and we're all set.

Now, this is smart.

The first step to becoming an
American... get a credit card.

We need this guy to build up
copious amounts of debt.

That is the best way for him to
build up his credit.

- We're doing him a favor.
- We're doing him a huge favor.

And do you realize how
extreme this is?

To go from no debt to good
old-fashioned American debt?

That's the way to do it.

Plus, I've been envisioning
someone else paying

for thing the entire time.

I'm also envisioning him
unloading all the shit into the car.

Well, that's a great vision.

Guys, no can do.
We're on a very tight schedule.

By the way, does anyone know
why the hell Frank

has been pointing
a camera at us?

I'll tell you why. Because
I'm tired of this secret bullshit.

All it got me was
a stab wound in the leg.

So, I'm gonna record
everything you do.

- Why?
- Because I know you're gonna fail.

Then, I can watch it over and
over again.

- That's ridiculous.
- Whatever, Frank.

You know, I'm glad you're
getting all this on tape because

then we'll have proof of how
amazingly generous we're being today.

You're going to prove that
the secret is real.

Gentlemen, we are all done here,
so I'm gonna roll 'cause we got to...

- Thank you very much.
- Let's go ahead and let's do this.

- Mostgracias.
- Good luck.

All right, you got
the store card now.

Let's go ahead and ring that up.

Bro, I'm not sure I have
the right look here.

No, you do, man.

You just got to start thinking of the
tool belt as an extension of yourself.

It needs to reflect you
as an individual.

Do you feel that?

- Is that all that it is?
- That's all it is.

All right, let me ask you a
question, then.

How come you have that
awesome fray in your shorts?

I don't have that.

That, sir, is becauseyou
purchased blue jean shorts

whereas I purchased
blue jeans and cut 'em.

Thus, the fray.

It's a more authentic look.
I think that's what you're feeling.

Why did you cut them so high?

Way higher than mine.

I thought you might ask that.

See, it limits restriction of
leg movement.

You're going to get more work done
'cause you got more leg movement.

Well, are you sure about that?

Let me do a little
demonstration on you.

Take the tool belt
off for a second.

Let me, let me, let me just
demonstrate something.

Let's get it down.

Take a wide stance.

Take the widest stance that you possibly
can and let me see what that looks like.

Leg movement.

- This is, uh...
- Go as wide as you can.

If I'm going wide and I'm
being honest with you...

I'm maxing out about here.

That's not bad...
but check this out.

Go, go, go.

Any more?

That's it, but that's pretty
wide, right?

- That is good, you know...
- Looks good, right?

And you're not getting
any high ride.

- I'm getting a high ride.
- That's a better...

But the shorts aren't preventing me
from doing what I need to do.

And that's the shorts.

That's exactly right, man,
and see, your shorts.

They're holding you back, man.

That and your hips, but I got to
tell you, the shorts aren't helping.

This, this is really all good shit.

This is like gold.

So what are you going
to do next?

- You are catching all this, right?
- I got everything.

This is what we're gonna do next.
Grab me that propane torch.

- I'm gonna burn the wall.
- You know what?

Let's go at it with the wrecking
ball for a little while.

It'd be more extreme and kind
of awesome.

Okay, all right, let's do
that, then.

All right, you do the wrecking
ball thing... Check this out.

I'm gonna do a little
introduction thing,

- and then you do the wrecking ball.
- Do you want to wear the belt?

All right, I'm gonna be the
only one wearing the belt?

Just jeans and no shirt.

Wait, can I see the
stance one more time?

That... I can go lower.

Bro, that is bad ass.

Yours wedged in, too?

Mine's completely wedged in there.

We can't even get anything
past the surface of this thing.

There's, like, a hard surface
past the thin surface.

Concrete or brick
or something...

I was envisioning this being a lot
easier than it's turning out to be.

- Abso...
- Use the blowtorch.

Great, it's time.

Hang on a second.

- Let me grab the flamethrower.
- Hold on a second, time out.

Wait, I think I know
what the problem is.

Look, I'm the one who
watches Home Makeover.

I think I know what
we're not doing right here.

What?

We haven't brought the
neighborhood in yet.

Absolutely great idea.
Bring the neighbors in.

Oh, my neighbors are great.

So did the neighborhood rob us?

Did the neighborhood rob us ?

And they took
my goddamn tool belt.

I could not have anticipated...

Look into the camera
and cry a little.

You have been in our face
with that camera, man.

You know what,
man, you know what?

Just... get me the flamethrower.

I'm so sick of this wall,
I want to burn it up now.

Okay, it's time.

There's also a fire
extinguisher, too.

Great.

- I think we should use this, man.
- I think we should, too.

So here's how this is going
to go down.

- I will light a fire on the wall.
- On the wall.

Have that extinguisher ready,
'cause

I don't want the fire to spread
past the parameters of this wall.

I will create a parameter
with the fire extinguisher.

It's the only safe way
to do this, okay?

It'll be perfectly safe.

Then, once the wall's all
weakened from the burned-up fires,

then we're going to kick
it to pieces, smash it to bits,

and take the rubble outside and
probably burn that, too.

And then I'll put it out with this.

Perfect, and then
I'll get started on my taco bed.

That sounds good.

Before you do that, why
don't you open that window

over there and get
a nice backdraft?

Now he wants
to start helping us.

That's the first sensible
thing you've said all day, Frank.

It's extreme, just like we are.

Go crank open a window.

Let's get a backdraft going.
Frank, you ready?

I've never been ready for
anything more in my entire life.

Well, all right.

Let's do this.

I think we have successfully
pulled off one extreme makeover.

Yeah, I love their eyes.

Now, while we wait, I was
thinking we expose them to some

good old-fashioned American cinema.

Apocalypto.

They can learn about how their
ancestors used to be savages

until Mel Gibson and the Catholics
came in and saved everybody.

Hey, you're just in time.

Why don't you point that video camera
at the new and improved Juarez family?

They look freaky as shit.

Wait till you get a load of
their ancestors.

Pop a squat, bro, 'cause we're
going to watch a sweet-ass flick.

I got something better to do.

Bag 'em and bring 'em with us.
Come on.

Yes, let's go.
In fact,

bag yourselves, too,
because I want this to be a surprise.

Come on, right this way.

Keep walking straight...

Goddamn, it's hard to breathe
in these bags.

Okay, hold it right here.

All right, now, excuse me.

Please come over here,
the family.

I want you on this side.

My head is sweating like shit.

Take the bags off.

You got, you got a bus,
just like in the show.

It's all about the reveal.

Ready?

One... two... three !

Move that bus!

Unbelievable.

I cannot believe the judge made me
give my mansion to the Juarez family.

I can't believe their name
isn't Juarez.

Was anyone else surprised by that?

Shocker.

Well, you know, it's a, it's
a broken system we got here.

But at least we managed to
avoid arson charges, right?

That's good, yeah.

Frank, I guess you're right.
The secret's bullshit, huh?

You try to help people and
you just wind up getting screwed.