It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell - full transcript

He really has an ugly face.

He is certainly ugly.

But, you know what, that's not
really what bothers me about this.

What bothers me is that he looks
like an old woman.

- Right!
- Yeah.

Well, he is wearing a
lot of blush on those cheekbones,

but I feel like that was
the look of the times.

No, no, but it's not
just that though, Mac, it's not.

I mean, a lot of presidents
somehow end up looking like women.

I mean, look at Ronald Reagan, right?

Now, why would you hang a
painting like this on your wall?

Well, it's the Historical Society, bro.
They have to hang it up.

Oh, well, we got to suffer
just because some old dude

who looks like Meryl Streep
chopped down a cherry tree, like,

ten million years ago?
It's just, he looks terrible!

You know what?
Let's take it down.

It's just gonna distract us
through the meeting.

- Yeah, let's get it down, man.
- Let's take it down.

It's not gonna work.

It's just gonna distract us.

Unbelievable.
It's bolted to the wall.

Well, that proves our point, man. We're not the
first people to try and take that thing down.

Yeah, but we're gonna be the
first ones to actually succeed.

- Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
- Let's just rip it off the wall, man.

- Rip it right off the wall.
- Whoa, guys, guys, guys.

I got a pocketknife.
Just cut it out of the frame.

That's a good idea.

'Cause I really, I've had enough
of this dude.

- Just cut it right out of the frame.
- What are you doing?

- Do you want this up?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

Uh, may I help you gentlemen
with something?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, we're here because we want to get
our bar certified as a historic landmark.

We want tourists to
be able to come by Paddy's Pub

as part of the walking tour of Philly.

You know, they can come by, suck up
some history, do some shots, get blasted.

In order to be considered as
a historical site,

your bar would have to have some
historical significance.

Well, trust us when
we tell you that Paddy's Pub

played an extremely important
part in history.

Mm, and what, uh, part of
history might that be?

The cracking of the
Liberty Bell, of course.

Synchro : Criztian.

So you're claiming that your
bar had a direct role

in the cracking of the Liberty Bell?

- Absolutely.
- Well, then tell me about it.

Well, the year was 1412...

- No. Really?
- Let Dennis, let Dennis...

- Let me tell the story, Charlie.
- Okay.

The year was 1776.

And Paddy's Pub, then known,
of course, as Patrick's Pub,

was a hotbed
of revolutionary activity.

Revolutionaries from all over
the country had come together to gather

at Patrick's Pub to speak
of war and revolution.

Will you look at that?
Sons of Liberty.

Patriots meeting in our bar,
speaking of revolution and freedom.

Can you believe it, dear brother?
We're witnessing history in the making.

I do not give a shit, Deandra.

Now, get me a flagon of ale.
Get your own ale, dick.

You are my slave.
You have to get me flagons of ale.

I saved you from being burned at
the stake for being a witch.

You're the one who accused me of being
a witch in the first place, Dennis.

Well, what's done is done.
That's all in the past now.

So you can either be a slave
witch in the bar,

or you can be a burned up
witch outside.

Up to you!
Flagon of ale now?

Guys, guys, guys, I've got some news!
I've got some terrible news!

- Oh, MacDonald, how goes it?
- Not good.

You know that chick I've been
banging down at Independence Hall?

- Mm, the fat one.
- She's not that fat.

Yeah, she's pretty fat, dude.
Good one, witch.

Well, whatever.

She told me in complete confidence
that a bunch of old dudes down there

are drafting a declaration...
a declaration of independence.

Wait, why would we want to
be free from the British?

This declaration is
gonna start an all-out war.

We have to make sure we are not
on the losing side.

- Definitely.
- Okay, clearly the British are gonna win this thing.

- Clearly.
- All right, we have to make sure

that the Crown knows
that we're on their side.

We have to make our own
declaration.

Yes. Yes, we need to make
a declaration of dependence.

Buy a pelt here!
We have raccoon, we have foxes!

Ho, there, sir.

Now, my good gentleman,
what says you of my fine furs here?

Merrily I be able to guide you
toward some interest in some purchase.

I can't understand what
you're saying.

- You want to buy a fur?
- Yeah.

In July? No, thanks.

Not so fast now. That's a nice
looking cart of pumpkins you got here.

Uh, what says you we maketh some
trade, hmm?

- All my furs for all your pumpkins.
- No.

All right, aye-aye-aye-aye-
aye-aye-aye-aye!

One pumpkin.

- Deal.
- All righty!

Wait, wait, wait, whoa,
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

We're not traders, Charlie.
We're thieves.

You want his pumpkins,
we kill him and take his pumpkins.

This is 1776.

We'll get away with it!

- I can hear you.
- Yeah, all right, very good.

This is how it will go down.

I will beat the man about the
face and the neck

and maybe the chest area
and possibly the groin

until he's no longer
consisting of life pulse.

And then you can collect up the
man's cart.

I shall findeth a stick.

Yes! Well, we'll
need a stick to do the bashing.

Sit tight, sir.

Pick a stick, any stick you like.

All right, well, methinks the rod to
be the most suitable for our purposes.

Ah, very nice rod.
Go with that rod.

Okey dokey dokey do.
Uh-oh! He's gone.

What?
He stole our furs!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You shit head.
- Hey, look on the bright side, Franklin.

We got ourselves a pumpkin.

This is gonna work.

I can't believe you
dressed like that, bro.

Um, excuse me, this
is a good plan, okay?

If we're gonna get this declaration
into the hands of the queen,

we need to dress the part.

It's not the way the
British dress, bro.

- They dress like this.
- No, British commoners

dress like you're dressed...
British peons, okay?

I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay?
These people respond to royalty.

Hey, guys, come on.
Please help.

Just use your witch
strength, slave.

Yeah, it's not that much further. God!

Uh, pardon me,
pardon me, good sirs.

But which of you gentlemen
happens to be

the highest ranking
military officer here?

That would be me.

Cricket. Colonel Cricket.

What is your business, sirs?

Ah, well, Colonel, we
are the owners of the fine

local establishment Patrick's Pub.

Patrick's Pub!
Yes, of course, of course.

The liberty bar.

- You harbor patriots.
- Oh, whoops, no, no, no.

- No.
- No, myth.

- Myth.
- Bad intel there.

Yeah, bad intel.
Bit of a miscommunication.

Actually, that is why we're here.
Uh, we drew up this declaration.

We also included an illustration
that we had hoped would illuminate

our intentions
towards the queen, huh?

This appears to be a
rendering of... the two of you

sodomizing the king whilst the
queen is forced to witness.

- Oh, no!
- Goodness gracious, no!

No, look.
I'm holding homeboy's arms back.

Dennis is ready to jam
him in the face,

- and the queen is impressed.
- Yeah, that's a bad guy, that's not the king.

- Uh, we're doing bad stuff to the bad...
- Give me this.

- You know, you don't get it.
- Let's get the ale. The ale.

Wench, now, the ale, presenteth it.

Okay, set that down in front of him.

And, uh, yes, good Colonel, we
present this ale to you

and your men in hopes that it will fuel
the British to victory.

Madam.

- Whoa! Hey!
- What the hell you doing?

Get out of here!
You're making a big mess!

Get back to the bar!

- I'm really sorry. That was huge!
- Yeah. That's...

That hit you right in the
face, didn't it?

You know what? We don't condone
that sort of thing, okay?

We're going to tar and feather the
shit out of her when she gets back.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I pray you, who is that fiery wench?

Her? Oh, that's just my
sister Deandra.

- She's a slave.
- Yeah. And a witch.

Yeah.

You keep your sister as your slave?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aye.

So are we good here now?
What's the deal?

Gentlemen, you have both
proven to me in the very short time

that I've known you that
you are both slanderous perverts

lacking any semblance of moral
fortitude.

However, I do desire to seek
further counsel with the lady.

Uh... lady?
Oh, the... the witch!

The same girl we've just been
talking about?

You don't really think she's
a... a witch, do you?

- Yeah. Yeah, she's a witch.
- Yeah. I'm pretty sure.

Pretty sure.

All right, look.

I wish to court her
in some manner, and

I could use your help
because I'm not, admittedly,

very good with women.

Good with women?
You mean good at women?

Like, you can't catch them
when they run away from you?

Bro, it's 1776.
They don't have any rights.

You can just take them and force
them to do whatever you want.

I do not wish to take her.
I would like to win her favor,

like a gentleman does a lady.

- That just does not compute with me.
- I don't understand what you're saying.

Digging the accent,
but don't understand you.

- Are you saying you're gay?
- All right, escort them out!

Oh, no. We... we... Okay.

Are you going to drink the beer?

- No, leave it. Out.
- Just drink the beer.

Maybe you'll get some balls
and you can take the woman.

- Fire!
- Ready?

- Yes. Shoot.
- All right.

One, two, three.

Do not shoot that pumpkin!
What are you doing?

I stole a bunch of guns!
I'm testing them out, Charles!

This revolution is going to make
us a fortune!

All right. Well, leave the
pumpkin out of it.

- The pumpkin's innocent!
- Shoot the pumpkin.

- Do not shoot the pumpkin please.
- Okay.

- Give me the gun.
- Fine.

Why is the witch lady
shooting at you anyway?

- Maybe she used her sorcery.
- Sorcery?

Your dumb-dick partner walked
into the bar

and said he stole a bunch of guns and
asked if I wanted to shoot

a pumpkin off his head,
and of course I did, so here we are.

- Damn your necromancy, woman!
- No, I'm not.

Maybe, if we shoot you, you
won't feel it anyway, witch.

You know what, okay, you guys.
I tell you what, you win.

I'm a witch, okay?
I'm a witch!

And I curse both of you and all
of your stupid guns.

Charlie, goddamn it!

- Give me that gun.
- She cursed the gun!

She cursed the gun.

She put a curse on the gun!

Let's try this one.

Nothing!

Try on me.

Damn those Sons of Liberty
sons of bitches, Dennis.

Those guys are going to get us
in so much trouble.

- Let's do this.
- No, no, no, no!

- You hang back.
- What? Me? Why?

Because, dude, we need to get
as much intel from these guys

as we possibly can for
that Colonel Cricket.

This fop thing is going to
totally blow our cover.

What's going on with your mouth?

- Oh, I got some wooden teeth put in.
- Did you?

Yeah. Well, all the patriots
are doing it, including Washington,

which is why it makes sense,
okay, if we're going undercover!

- Not this fop bullshit!
- No, the fop thing's good, man.

I got a plan with it. Yeah.
I got an angle.

Fine. Okay, listen.

- You let me take the lead, okay?
- Yeah. Okay.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You son of a bitch.

Fellas! How you doing?
A couple of flagons of ale for you!

So I just want to say, we love
what you're doing over here.

I mean, taxation with
representation, right?

So, uh... what's the buzz, huh?
What are we all talking about, huh?

Surrender, maybe?

- We speak of revolution.
- Revolution?

Revolution! That's great!
I'm completely on top of that!

Hey, fellas, who's taking the
minutes here?

'Cause I feel like I could be an
asset to you as a secretary, and...

Let's start by taking down
all of their names.

- First and last, please.
- Son of a bitch.

Gentlemen, I think this
meeting is adjourned.

You stupid son of a bitch,
dude!

What are you doing with the accent
and the British...? Goddamn it!

Yeah. No, no, no.
I just decided to go a different way.

- The spy thing wasn't really working.
- Yeah? What way was that?

Well, your wooden teeth
whistly-tooth thing? That was bad.

- That wasn't working.
- My teeth were a smashing success.

We are in dire straits here, okay?
We need a change of plan.

I think the only way we're going
to convince these people

that we're on their side
is to become 100% British.

- To become British?
- We gotta commit to the fop thing.

That actually seems pretty
sensible, Dennis.

No more "S's" for you.

It's just so cramped in here.

I mean, you'd think people who came
here so many years before the English,

that they'd build bigger houses!

Yeah. You'd think they'd
have huge homes.

What is the sleeping
situation in here?

You think this father and son are
sleeping on the same bearskin together?

Probably.
Where else they going to sleep?

What a bunch of losers!

I'm telling you, a bunch of
inbred savages.

I speak English.

Oh, shit! For real?

Yes.

Oh, that's not good.
We didn't mean to...

Our bad.
Uh, just tell me.

How much land are you going to
give away for a pumpkin these days?

Charlie... Charlie, listen.

What we need
is your magical powers

to lift the curses from our guns.

- Gag-ga da boom.
- Okay?

- We're going to pay you.
- Oh, yeah. We gotta pay you.

We'll give you this.
We brought this for you.

- Booze! Right?
- Booze.

Makes you feel good.
Helps you sleep.

Brings the tribe together.

You want me to scalp them?

That young Indian was
fast with the tomahawk!

He really lobbed a big hunk
off your head up here.

He's going to make me look
deformed!

Yeah. And you're going to be
deformed for the rest of your life.

Give me that skunk pelt.
I'll use it for hair.

- Don't push! Don't push!
- All right.

- It's look cool.
- It looks pretty good.

- Lady Deandra?
- Yes? Can I help you?

Colonel Cricket.

We met the other day...

I was the one you delivered the
keg to...

- You spit in my face.
- Oh! Yep. Yep. There it is.

Indeed. Forgive my
rather unadorned approach, but

from the first moment I laid
my eyes on you...

...I was smitten.

Perhaps my impatience has gotten
the best of me, but if you will have me,

I would be most honored
to call you my wife.

A simple "no" would have
sufficed.

Okay, all right, that one got in
my mouth. That's really not cool.

You listen to me,
you pale-faced English dickhole,

you got a revolution coming.

And pretty soon, all of the slaves are
gonna be free, and I will be owned by no man.

- I am a fool...
- Yeah.

...having allowed myself to

imagine us back in my
sprawling manor in England.

You on my arm, adorned in magnificent
garments, dressed in the finest jewels.

Cricks, back it up a little bit.

You talking about garments and jewelry?

But alas, my love cannot mend
our differences.

Oh, no-no-no, wait-wait-wait-wait!
Your love, your love can.

Your love is, your love is
currently doing that, so...

You didn't mention anything about the
sprawling manor and all the garments.

- That was stupid.
- But I-I thought that you just said...

Yeah, I did, I did, I did,
but it's... your love, it's, like,

filling me up with all
kinds of stuff.

- Is it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is!

- Let's do this! Let's get married!
- What?

- Oh, Lady Deandra...
- Yes!

...you have made me the
happiest man alive!

We're gonna have to work up to that,
though, 'cause you are crazy ugly.

Keep your pants on, curly.

You want the slave, you gotta
pay for the slave.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

We're not gonna give it to
you for free.

You gotta sweeten the pot, eh?

- How'd you like to buy some guns?
- Yes.

Guns?

- I shall buy your guns.
- Yes!

- I shall buy your guns!
- No-no-no-no-no, not yet.

Hey, hey-hey, hey.

Why does he keep spitting in
my mouth?

Who is this man?

Ah, hello to you, sirs,
and to you, ladies.

These heels are almost
impossible to walk in.

Well, get over it, dude.
You gotta walk in 'em, okay?

Now let me hear the voice.

No, I don't think that the voice is
entirely necessary, so I'm not gonna do it.

If we're gonna wipe away all
traces of our colonial background

and blend in with British culture,
we need to walk the walk

- and we need to talk the talk.
- Fine. How do you do it?

Your voice needs to come off as elegant
(with English accent): as your clothing, okay?

So try this.

Would you like a spot of tea?
You... "Yeeees...!"

Would you like a spot of tea?

Ye-es.

- Draw it out more.
- Draw it out more than that?

Yees...!

Yees...!

That's good.

Those wooden teeth are killing me.
That lisp is stupid.

I think the wooden teeth are the
whole thing that's saving this thing.

- You sound ridiculous, dude.
- No, I don't.

It sounds pretty good. I'm not losing
the teeth. Let's just move past that.

Let's keep walking.
Okay, try it again. Try it again.

Yeeees...!

Yees...!

Yeees...!

- Yees...!
- Good, good, good.

- Now, flourish the pinkie.
- Flourish the pinkie.

Yees...!

Well, what have we got here?

A pair of poofs about town.

Sodomites in frilly lace.

- No!
- No, no!

- Nayeth.
- Oh, nayeth, nayeth.

No, we are simply two noble
Britishmen out on a stroll.

- Good day, sir.
- Good day. Oh!

Boys... get the tar.

Shit.

Deandra, come and help me
count my gold.

I'm not your slave anymore,
Franklin.

I'm about to go live like the
goddamn Queen of England

and never see you two bitches again.

Charles, I told you the
revolution pays.

Yeah, yeah, but look at this, huh?

Guys, there is a full-fledged revolution
happening outside right now!

It is a bloodbath!
We have got to do something!

What?

Uh, let's back up and talk
about what this is.

No, no, no, this is not important.
This is not important right now, okay?

- I think it's very important.
- There's a war happening outside

- and we need to...
- We were acting like British noblemen,

and then he couldn't
drop the she-male thing,

so we got tarred and
feathered for being Sodomites!

It is not a she-male thing...

Goddamn it, we don't have
time for this!

Help! Help me!

Are you okay?
Are you dying?

No, no, no, don't die yet! Don't die
yet until you get me to your mansion.

No, I'm unscathed, my darling.

- Oh, thank God.
- This is the blood of my men.

We've suffered too many
casualties.

- All our guns jammed.
- Blame that on your witch wife.

Let me see that.

Permit me to hide out here till
British reinforcements arrive

and massacre the entire lot of rebels.

Then shall we escape safely
together, my darling?

Oh, okay.
I'm gonna go get you some water.

Yeah, hey, Cricks, when the
reinforcements get here,

Dennis and I are cool, right?
We're not on your shit list?

Yeah, like, we got tarred and
feathered for your ass, so...

Protect me, and I shall make
sure that all of you

are safe for the mighty soul...

Shit!

Goddamn it, Frank.
You just ruined my all life.

- Wait, wait, wait, check his pulse.
- He doesn't have a head.

Oh, my God. If the British come in here
and find this body, we are screwed.

Oh, Jesus! He's right.
We've got to get rid of this body.

How are we gonna to do that?

- Maybe we could bury.
- No, there's no time.

We've got to burn that body.

- It's gonna go to their intention.
- Let's cut it of in pieces.

I've got an idea.

- Yeah? You have it?
- It's heavy.

Shit! Bro, we just broke
the liberty bell.

I'll get you, my pretty!

It's totally broken.

Knock this story!

- Okay?
- We weren't finish yet. Just a...

I've finished listening.

Have you now?

Okay, that's fair.
The end, I guess.

So, are we in an historical
landmark, now?

- No!
- You got to be kidding me!

- Such a good story.
- Maybe she didn't understand the story.

- Maybe skim too much.
- Yeah, let's tell the false story this time.

- We won't leave out any details.
- A lot more details.

You know what? Sit back, get concentreted,
it's gonna get a low longer this time.

- You're ready?
- The start is the same.

The year was 1776...