It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 8 - Episode #14.8 - full transcript
But Miss Covington does not
govern the lady of the house.
If you'll have me
as your husband,
that is what you shall be.
- Whoa!
- What?
Oh, my God.
I did not see that coming.
Well, no... I mean,
Lord Davenforth
and Anna the scullery maid?
I mean, that's...
it's kind of scandalous, really.
- Kind of scandalous?
- Yeah.
I usually hate
this old-time British crap.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know? But, like,
this-this show is amazing.
- Yeah.
- It's good. It's...
They actually knew
that you would love it
'cause of the algorithm.
The... the what?
The-the algorithm.
Yeah, all of our
previously-watched shows,
they go into a data bank,
so they can accurately predict
which shows you'll love
moving forward.
So they knew
what was gonna happen.
See, the algorithm,
it takes thinking
- out of the equation, basically.
- Hmm.
Well, that's because math
and computers can think
better for us
than we can think for ourselves.
Yeah... ooh, shut up, shut up.
I-It's decided
we're watching another one.
Ah, I love that
it does that, too.
Another thing I don't
have to think about.
You know what I mean? I-I...
What I am thinking about,
though, is the fish and chips.
The fish and chips.
- These snacks aren't cutting it.
- Where's Frank?
- I want substance.
Where is Frank?
- Need something hearty.
- He supposed to be here...
- It is weird how, when
you watch stuff like this,
you feel like you want
to eat like the British.
Constantly want to eat like...
Cop! Cop!
- All right, fine.
- I'm filming this!
- Hey, hey, hey. Calm down!
- I didn't do it...
I came in to tell you there's
a suicidal man on the roof.
He's threatening to jump.
We have nothing
to do with that!
Right. Well, the police
are handling it,
but I need you to sit tight.
No one can enter
or exit the building
until the situation is resolved.
- Oh...
- Okay. Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you
for your service.
Yeah, we love,
- we love the police.
- Go blue.
- Blue-Blue Lives Matter,
Blue Lives Matter.
- Sh-Shit, man.
You guys know
what this means, right?
What?
We're not gonna get
our fish and chips.
Shifting gears now,
we have reports
of a developing situation
at Paddy's Pub.
- Oh, that's us. There we are.
- Hey. All right, there we go.
- We're on TV. Oh, my God.
- That's our bar.
A man by the name
of Bryan O'Brien
is threatening
to jump off the roof.
"Bryan O'Brien."
I'd kill myself, too,
if I had that clown's name.
You literally have
the name of a clown.
- That's true, you do.
- All right, you know what?
This is moving a little
too slow for me.
Let's-let's-let's click it back
- over to the show, yeah?
- Yeah!
Uh, whoa, h-hold on
a second, Dennis.
Uh, this guy's gonna commit
suicide off of our roof.
I mean, shouldn't
we do something?
- Us?
- Us do something?
- Why would we...?
The cops are handling it.
- Yeah.
Well, yeah, but I mean, look,
if he actually goes through
with it, that's a mortal sin.
I mean, maybe God is testing us.
He's not gonna do anything.
This is a classic cry for help.
If the guy actually
wanted to off himself,
he'd hop into a warm bath
and he'd do the old...
You know? North, south.
- Hmm?
- Hmm?
He'd go "down the road"
instead of "across the street."
You know what I mean?
- I don't know what you mean.
- I have no idea what you mean.
The proper way to slit
your wrist is take a knife
and, ideally, you go from
metacarpal straight to bicep,
- connecting with the artery
the entire time.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, you've done research.
- Ugh.
- That is the most
pathetic thing, Dee.
- No, I... I-I'm not talking...
we're not talking about me.
We're talking about him.
- Are we not? I think we're...
- We are now.
Okay, you know what?
The point is, I'm just saying,
the man has no intention
of offing himself, all right?
This is a pathetic
attention grab.
Yeah, well,
it-it doesn't matter if he wants
do or he doesn't want to.
He's not gonna die
falling from that height.
Whoa. Hard disagree, pal.
You could absolutely die
if you jump from that height.
What? Dude, it's like
three stories.
It's like basic science,
you know, like...
Uh, oh, I'm sorry.
Let's not bring science into it.
Okay? I mean,
this is life or death.
This is God's territory.
- All right? I mean,
there is no science.
- All right.
What do you mean... what do you
mean "there is no science"?
I mean, you were just talking
about how much you love
science and math for predicting
your television shows.
The... wh-why do you not like it
in this scenario?
Like, uh... do you either
believe in science
or you do not
believe in science?
I am an American! I can
believe in whatever I want...
- I am also an American.
Okay, though?
-...in any given moment
based on what the argument
I'm trying to make.
- That is not an argument.
- Okay? You are not
a true American, Charlie.
- I'm more American
than you will ever be!
- You s...
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Simmer down, guys.
S... just simmer down, calm down.
All right?
Dee, stop being so emotional.
Okay? So, guys,
I think I have a way
that we can solve this argument
without human emotion
mucking it all up.
What we need is an algorithm.
Now, guys, we are living in
a data-driven world, are we not?
Yeah!
So this is my Behavioral
Predictor algorithm.
- Oh. There's words. Okay.
- Mm.
- So, first we have: "Could he?"
- No way, uh-uh.
- Then "Would he?"
- Nah. Cry for help.
- Mm-hmm.
- And "Should we?"
- Yes.
- Guys, please.
Shut the hell up!
I don't need your opinions.
Okay? 'Cause based
on the analytical conclusions
that we draw here,
we're gonna be able to come up
with a mathematically-accurate,
non-emotional answer
to all of our questions.
Okay? We just need
to think like a computer.
- Oh...
- Oh.
- Like a computer does.
I-I'm getting it now.
- Okay.
Exactly. So why don't we start
with "Could he?" Charlie?
- Okay, great.
- Do the thing.
All right. So, what we have here
is I made a little Paddy's Pub.
- All right.
- Ah.
And-and you got
the, uh, the jumper?
Uh, I do. I do.
Uh, luckily I brought
an egg to work today.
- Oh! Look at that guy.
- All right,
so when the guys falls,
we'll be able to tell,
based on the breakage,
what would happen
to the jumper when...
- I think he's gonna smash.
- Y-Yeah, okay.
- Here we go.
- So, he's up here
and he's saying, "Oh,
- I feel so sad. Life is so..."
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
Yeah, Dee, what would you say
in this situation?
Well, I don't think
he's sad, I think he's happy
to get off this merry-go-round.
Oh, my God.
- That's so pathetic.
I'd never... I would never...
- That you would know that.
- You've thought about it.
- You asked me a...
- You had that in the chamber.
- I'm talking about the egg.
- Here he goes. "Goodbye, world."
- Goodbye.
- Oh.
- Okay.
So I think he'll break a leg,
but, you know...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...he'll be okay.
Hmm.
If I'm being honest,
I was hoping his entire skull
- would just explode.
- Right.
I think we all were, Mac.
We were hoping
- for a bit
of an explosion. Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, but I think what we
learned is that there's no way
that the jumper's gonna die
from this height.
You know? So there's no reason
for us to do anything about it.
Uh, I don't know about that, b...
I think the problem is, is that,
you know, an egg,
i-in this particular case,
a-a hard-boiled egg,
it's not really
an accurate representation
of-of the human head
- and how it would behave
under a fall.
- Yeah, that's true.
Now, Charlie,
do you happen to ha...
I know you've got more eggs...
- Yeah...
- Do you happen
to have an uncooked one?
Ugh. No. Unfortunately,
that was the only one I found.
Found? What does that mean?
Goddamn it, Dee,
are you eating my egg?
Well, yeah. I got hungry.
- Oh...
- Uh, we never got
our fish and chips.
You bitch. That was
the only one in the nest.
Nest? What? Charlie,
where did you get this egg?
Where'd you get
the egg?
And why are you going around
stealing eggs
from goddamn nests in trees?
Well, it wasn't in-in a tree,
it was in a hole.
- Oh, no...
- Yeah. I mean,
it's, like, a rat's egg
or something.
- Can we get back to the task
at hand here? All right?
- Okay.
Dee's eaten some sort
of a rat or a reptile's egg...
...of some kind,
or whatever it is, but...
- Yeah.
-...either way,
we got to find something
that accurately represents
the human head, all right?
Otherwise, we're not gonna get
the explosion that we want.
Oh, you know what,
I might be able to get
Frank's secret casaba melon.
Mmm. Hmm?
Why does Frank keep
a casaba melon in the safe?
Hmm? I don't know,
but he flips out
if I go anywhere
near the thing.
Has he cut a hole in the rind,
and then put it back on,
like a plug?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah, there's a little...
- You guys think he's
having sex with it?
- Well... yeah.
- He's definitely
having sex with it.
Oh, that's...
Prob-Probably is.
- Yeah.
- Probably is.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
Hey, guess what.
There's a guy stuck
on the roof of Paddy's.
Oh, no, he's not stuck,
he's a jumper.
A jumper? You think you could
die from that height?
Uh, well, inconclusive. Yeah.
We'll have an answer for you
on that real soon.
Speaking of which,
we need your casaba melon.
We're gonna run a smash test
on it.
- Whoa, hold it.
- What, what, what?
Stay away from my stuff.
Don't put your hands
near my casaba.
Yeah, hey, man, why do you have
a-a casaba melon in a safe?
You-you banging it?
It's none of your goddamn
business, Dennis.
- None of your goddamn business!
- Banging it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Damn it, I got to get in there.
Damn it.
Dennis is touching my melon.
No. I got to get in there.
Sir, move back.
This area's cordoned off.
There's a jumper on the roof.
You don't understand.
It's my son.
He's gonna do something
really stupid.
I got to get in there.
Oh, your son?
- Yeah.
- Come with me, sir.
- Okay.
- Step aside, please.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please keep a safe distance
- around the perimeter.
- All right, here we go.
Oh, okay, now, I think
this is finally gonna give us
that explosion
we've been craving.
Well, yeah.
Now, if we see splatter,
that's gonna prove that he could
die by jumping, so yeah.
Okay, ready? Here we go. Five...
Four, three,
two, one, ho...
- Cricket!
- Cricket!
- Cricket.
- Where did you come from?
I was up on the roof
getting eggs from a nest.
What the hell?
Come on, man.
Yeah, yeah, well,
I checked the hole,
but it was empty.
- Oh, I got the one in the hole.
- The hole.
Hey, you know that you guys have
a guy up on your roof?
- Yeah, we know.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
There's a guy, there's a jumper.
Guys, why the hell
are you wasting
a perfectly good casaba melon?
We're trying to figure out
if the guy could die
from falling off our roof, so...
Oh, no way. No.
I've fallen off buildings
before; I never die.
And look at me.
I'm doing great.
Yeah, but you're not really
a trustworthy
control group, Cricket.
I mean, you know,
you're sort of subhuman
at this point, you know.
- For sure.
- I don't know how
to squeeze that one
into the algorithm.
Hey, I'm just going to, uh, take
the casaba and head on out.
No, you're not, Cricket.
- Get out of here, street rat.
- Go!
- Get out! Go.
- Fine.
Go get high in the bathroom,
or whatever.
Cricket actually just made me
realize something.
We already have data
for this situation.
Maureen Ponderosa.
Now, she died from falling off
a much shorter building.
- Yeah, but you pushed her.
- No, no, no,
they never proved that.
That was never proven.
It was never even proven
that she was pushed. Okay?
But it was,
I have to say, fortunate
that she landed on her head,
you know.
Or at least he certainly
made it look that way.
- He pushed her.
- Yeah, he pushed her.
No, I was following
your threads.
Come on, you guys are nuts,
all right.
Li-Listen, the point is,
it's all about
how this guy falls, okay.
'Cause if he falls feet first,
he might break a couple bones,
sure, but he-he'll be fine,
he'll survive,
you know what I mean?
That'd be more of a cry
for help, right?
- Wouldn't you say, Dee?
- Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
- So sad that you know that.
- Stop!
But if the guy falls head first,
now that'd be a death jump.
Right? So the answer
to the question
"could he die from jumping?"
Yeah, absolutely,
if he did a death jump.
Okay, you're right.
It's how he falls.
Exactly, exactly.
But the question still remains:
would he jump,
would he do it at all?
And for that we need to
understand his state of mind.
And for that, we got to
go back to the algorithm.
All right, so how does one
go about figuring out
what another human being
would do?
Right? How do you truly get
to know someone?
- Just go through their trash.
- Sleep with them.
- Oh.
- Uh, talk to their priest,
then sleep with their priest.
Then blackmail the priest.
Then go back to the priest
and ask him to ask God
to forgive you
for blackmailing him.
No. No.
You just, uh...
We're just gonna pull up Bryan
O'Brien's social media page,
and we're gonna comb
through that for any
pertinent information
on his life.
Okay, so from what
I'm seeing here,
he looks like
a pretty normal guy.
Yeah, it looks like
he likes to travel.
He was recently on a cruise.
- Lot, lot of pictures of food.
- I love that.
- Oh, I love that.
- Oh, I love that.
- Don't you love that?
- 'Cause I know what I ate.
I don't know...
I want to know what you ate.
It's a good reminder
that food is a thing.
- Yeah, exactly. Right.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so it looks like
he's got a lot to live for.
- He's eating food.
- Mm-hmm.
Or-or-or is he?
Because is... is that just what
he wants you to believe?
You know, because we all know
that on the surface,
social media... it's a lie.
All right, so let's dig deeper,
shall we?
Now, clock the amount
of baseball caps
this guy's wearing,
and with the tucked-in shirts,
it's a bit of a juvenile look
for a man his age,
wouldn't you say?
I mean, he's hardly a child,
but he's still hanging on
to his youth.
That suggests to me that maybe
he's got some daddy issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- Abandonment, abuse.
Plus, he gave him a comical
name, like Mac's dad did.
- His dad hates him as much
as Mac's dad hates him.
- That's so sad.
No, my dad loves me. That...
No, my name's an homage.
- No, it's not.
He really doesn't.
- My dad's name's an homage.
It's an homage
to a hamburger clown.
But, uh, oh, look at this,
looks like he also, uh,
just got back from a cruise,
alone, to mainland Alaska. Oh.
- Lame.
- Where he met himself
an edgy woman
at a conference,
and she introduced him
to a whole new way of life:
parasailing,
Chilean wines, a tattoo
of Spider-Man.
Butt-eating...
Butt-eating?
Where are you getting that from?
Well... there's a certain glint
in the eye, you know, a sparkle.
You can see that
in someone's eye?
- Oh, Dee.
- I'm asking.
- Have you been eating butts?
- Of course she has!
- Nasty!
- You are too much today, Dee.
- I was clarifying.
- You're nasty.
- Too much.
- I just was curious.
But recently the girlfriend,
she's disappeared
from his pictures,
which tells me that,
uh, she probably broke up
with him, you know, because
of all his father issues,
and 'cause he's an alcoholic,
and because of the copious
requests for butt-eating,
which, she was thinking
was more of a one-time thing,
and he was thinking, this is
a thing now, like, from now on.
You got him.
Nice work, man.
- Yeah. Geez.
- That sums this guy up, I think.
All right, guys,
so in summation,
algorithm-wise,
what have we learned here today?
- That Dee's
a nasty fucking slut.
- You are so nasty.
- Okay, all right.
- You nasty!
- Disgusting.
- Definitely, definitely,
but also that the poorly named
Bryan O'Brien most definitely
would kill himself.
- No-no-no...
- So has your son exhibited
this kind of behavior before?
What? Oh, yeah,
he's a real deranged person.
This kid's a real whack job.
I'm afraid he's gonna do
something really stupid
this time.
I got to get in there.
- I can't let you do that, sir.
- But-but, look, it might've been
my fault.
I mean, we had an argument...
I assure you
we're doing all we can.
We're trying to talk to him now.
- So just stay put.
- But-but, hey...
Excuse me, sir,
I'm Jackie Denardo
from Channel Five News.
I hear you're the father.
I would love to interview you.
Baby, I'll do anything you want.
My son is actually
a big fan of yours.
- Oh.
- I mean, it would
really get under his skin
if he knew I was
standing next to those.
Uh, you. You.
Okay, guys, now we are
on to "Should we?"
Should we get involved in this
in any way?
Is it our moral obligation,
as Mac says,
to keep this man
from committing suicide
- and going to hell...
- What... I feel... I don't know.
I still think we just
better, like,
- let the cops do their jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm, I don't know.
But we've already established
that this guy could die
and would jump,
so, I don't know, the chances
of the police getting in there
in time to-to stop this guy
are, uh, pretty slim.
And then we could be known
as a suicide bar,
and that's no good.
I don't want to be that.
Yeah, kind of grim. I'd probably
take my business elsewhere.
You don't have business.
Oh! What, uh, what if you
lean into that, though?
Right? Like, you don't make it
grim, but you make it playful.
Like, we start to name drinks
after jumpers or whatever,
like, uh, The Last Call.
The Jump Shot.
Lemon Drop.
- Right.
- Oh. There you go.
Cosmo-fall-itan?
- Oh!
- Very good.
We could become, like,
a hot spot for jumpers.
You know? We'd put their
pictures up, all around the bar
- to immortalize them, you know?
- Oh, yeah.
Turn them into martyrs.
That's cool. And we'd play
music. We'd play music.
Uh, "Highway to Hell."
"Free Fallin'."
- "Free Fallin'."
Come on, man. That's...
- You know what we could do?
We could lean into, like,
a-a haunted, a haunted house
- kind of bar theme,
like... you know?
- Oh, well, I'm loving that.
Yeah, that'd get
my business back.
You don't have business,
- Cricket.
- You don't have business, guy.
Basically, what we've concluded
is that it would actually
be good for the bar
if this guy jumps and dies.
Yeah? So the answer
to the question
of "should we get involved?"
is... is actually yes.
- Huh? Why, though?
- Yeah, but-but
if-if we stop him, that would be
bad for the bar, right, Dennis?
W-Well... No, that's not
what I'm saying, though.
More importantly, that's not
what the algorithm is saying.
You see, we've already
established that this guy wants
to die and that it would
actually benefit our bar
if he dies.
Now, of course,
from an emotional standpoint,
we feel as though
we should get involved,
we feel as though
we should save this guy,
but the algorithm
is actually telling us
that that does not
benefit anybody.
- Hmm.
- The algorithm is telling us,
mathematically, scientifically,
that this guy could die,
wants to die,
and that we should
help him do it.
That's just math.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Well, it still feels
a little weird,
but feelings are irrelevant
in the face of facts.
- Yeah.
- Is that what I'm hearing?
The feelings... feelings
just get in the way.
Now, but here's-here's
the only thing, though.
Like, if we were gonna do
something like this,
- like...
- Mm-hmm?
...you know, how would we do it?
Like, in the right way?
Do we need to do another
algorithm to figure this out?
Eh.
- Nah, I'll push him.
- Huh?
What's that?
Yeah. I'll push him
off the building.
I don't give a shit.
- This is such a difficult
situation for any parent.
- Yeah.
If you could, would you like
to say anything to your son?
Oh, yeah. Look, you think
you can do whatever you want,
but what's mine is mine.
You don't have a call.
If I want to bang it,
I'm gonna bang it.
Not that I am banging it,
but I could.
And if it doesn't
splatter to bits,
I'm gonna bang it later.
Because it's my property.
And what I do with my property
is my business.
- You got that?
- I-I'm sorry to interrupt,
but we have breaking news.
- Eh.
- I've gotten word
- the jumper is coming down.
- Oh.
I've been told he found out
his estranged father is here
- and he wants
to come down and talk.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's call...
- He's calling me strange?
- Wait, wait...
You don't know what
this sicko kid has done.
Okay, Cricket, uh,
here's a broom.
You probably sneak up there,
give him a little nudge,
and, uh, you know,
don't let anyone see you
- commit the murder.
- Whoa, uh...
Guys, can-can
we just not call it a murder?
Let's try to think of it
more analytically,
more mathematically.
It's sort of like a deletion.
You know? Like hitting
Control-Alt-Delete.
Bloop. He's in the trash.
- Oh, that's all it is, right?
- I like that.
- That works for me.
- Uh-oh.
-Blip. He's gone.
Breaking news right now.
Uh, there's some clarification.
The jumper did not jump.
He did not jump from the roof.
He is coming down the stairs.
G... oh, dude, that's...
What a gyp.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We were gonna...
we had a good plan.
Can I say something, though?
I think this is for the best.
Right.
- You know what I mean?
- Probably.
-That's not the algorithm...
- Right.
- Like, we were going down a road
I was not totally
comfortable with.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You guys want to go back
to watching our show?
- Let's get back to our show.
- Right?
-The show.
- All right.
- Why are we watching this stuff?
- Okay. Yeah, okay.
- The guy didn't even jump.
That's boring.
Chet, what we are about
to witness here
is a father being reunited with
his son after a harrowing day.
- Here he is now.
- Yeah. Hey...
This isn't my dad.
That's not Dennis.
I thought you said
you were the dad.
Not of this sad sack.
I'm sorry, kid.
Must've been a mix-up.
I got distracted
by the reporter's bagonzas.
Speaking of melons,
there's a casaba
with my name on it in there.
Dear Anna, our time apart only
makes my heart grow fonder.
- In the dead of night...
- Oh!
Hey, you got our fish and chips?
- Ate 'em.
- Uh...
- You ate 'em?
- Wow.
-Hey, wait, wait.
- Where's my melon?
Where's my casaba?
- Oh...
It's right here, man. Why do you
care so much about this thing?
- What is the deal?
- Ah...
Yeah, what is
the deal with that?
- Ugh.
- Oh.
- Ah...
- Oh, God.
-Ugh!
It's where I stash my Maui Kush.
- You hide your weed
in a casaba melon?
- Yeah.
In case the cops
ransack the place,
you got to find a good,
unsuspecting spot
to stash your drugs.
Pot's pretty much legal now.
You don't really have
to stash it anywhere.
I-I don't think
you have to hide it, man.
When did that happen?
- Can you move?
You're blocking our show, man.
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
You're blocking the show.
I didn't know that.
What? You're still watching
that British show?
I mean, that's a bunch of crap.
- It stinks.
- Uh...
Uh, well, no, actually,
the algorithm told us
that we like it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. And-and, um...
- Yeah.
- I don't. You know what I mean?
Like, I can't follow what
they're saying most of the time.
Thank you for saying that.
I find it very boring.
- Okay, now, I...
- It is boring, right?
I hate the plot
because it's absurd.
The plot is ridiculous.
- Right? The scullery maid?
- And their teeth,
I find them hard to look at.
The teeth are a little bit
of a mess, but mathematically
we're supposed
to like the show.
Uh, yeah,
I know, but mathematically
we were supposed
to kill a man today.
Maybe that's, like,
part of the problem
of, like, taking the humanity
out of decisions.
Perhaps the science
just isn't there yet.
Hey! Where did we land
on the casaba?
I-I think you can eat it, man.
I think we're done with it.
Yeah, we're done.
- Yeah.
-Oh!
- Yeah, baby.
- Eh.
I wouldn't eat it, Cricks.
It's full of loads.
govern the lady of the house.
If you'll have me
as your husband,
that is what you shall be.
- Whoa!
- What?
Oh, my God.
I did not see that coming.
Well, no... I mean,
Lord Davenforth
and Anna the scullery maid?
I mean, that's...
it's kind of scandalous, really.
- Kind of scandalous?
- Yeah.
I usually hate
this old-time British crap.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know? But, like,
this-this show is amazing.
- Yeah.
- It's good. It's...
They actually knew
that you would love it
'cause of the algorithm.
The... the what?
The-the algorithm.
Yeah, all of our
previously-watched shows,
they go into a data bank,
so they can accurately predict
which shows you'll love
moving forward.
So they knew
what was gonna happen.
See, the algorithm,
it takes thinking
- out of the equation, basically.
- Hmm.
Well, that's because math
and computers can think
better for us
than we can think for ourselves.
Yeah... ooh, shut up, shut up.
I-It's decided
we're watching another one.
Ah, I love that
it does that, too.
Another thing I don't
have to think about.
You know what I mean? I-I...
What I am thinking about,
though, is the fish and chips.
The fish and chips.
- These snacks aren't cutting it.
- Where's Frank?
- I want substance.
Where is Frank?
- Need something hearty.
- He supposed to be here...
- It is weird how, when
you watch stuff like this,
you feel like you want
to eat like the British.
Constantly want to eat like...
Cop! Cop!
- All right, fine.
- I'm filming this!
- Hey, hey, hey. Calm down!
- I didn't do it...
I came in to tell you there's
a suicidal man on the roof.
He's threatening to jump.
We have nothing
to do with that!
Right. Well, the police
are handling it,
but I need you to sit tight.
No one can enter
or exit the building
until the situation is resolved.
- Oh...
- Okay. Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you
for your service.
Yeah, we love,
- we love the police.
- Go blue.
- Blue-Blue Lives Matter,
Blue Lives Matter.
- Sh-Shit, man.
You guys know
what this means, right?
What?
We're not gonna get
our fish and chips.
Shifting gears now,
we have reports
of a developing situation
at Paddy's Pub.
- Oh, that's us. There we are.
- Hey. All right, there we go.
- We're on TV. Oh, my God.
- That's our bar.
A man by the name
of Bryan O'Brien
is threatening
to jump off the roof.
"Bryan O'Brien."
I'd kill myself, too,
if I had that clown's name.
You literally have
the name of a clown.
- That's true, you do.
- All right, you know what?
This is moving a little
too slow for me.
Let's-let's-let's click it back
- over to the show, yeah?
- Yeah!
Uh, whoa, h-hold on
a second, Dennis.
Uh, this guy's gonna commit
suicide off of our roof.
I mean, shouldn't
we do something?
- Us?
- Us do something?
- Why would we...?
The cops are handling it.
- Yeah.
Well, yeah, but I mean, look,
if he actually goes through
with it, that's a mortal sin.
I mean, maybe God is testing us.
He's not gonna do anything.
This is a classic cry for help.
If the guy actually
wanted to off himself,
he'd hop into a warm bath
and he'd do the old...
You know? North, south.
- Hmm?
- Hmm?
He'd go "down the road"
instead of "across the street."
You know what I mean?
- I don't know what you mean.
- I have no idea what you mean.
The proper way to slit
your wrist is take a knife
and, ideally, you go from
metacarpal straight to bicep,
- connecting with the artery
the entire time.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, you've done research.
- Ugh.
- That is the most
pathetic thing, Dee.
- No, I... I-I'm not talking...
we're not talking about me.
We're talking about him.
- Are we not? I think we're...
- We are now.
Okay, you know what?
The point is, I'm just saying,
the man has no intention
of offing himself, all right?
This is a pathetic
attention grab.
Yeah, well,
it-it doesn't matter if he wants
do or he doesn't want to.
He's not gonna die
falling from that height.
Whoa. Hard disagree, pal.
You could absolutely die
if you jump from that height.
What? Dude, it's like
three stories.
It's like basic science,
you know, like...
Uh, oh, I'm sorry.
Let's not bring science into it.
Okay? I mean,
this is life or death.
This is God's territory.
- All right? I mean,
there is no science.
- All right.
What do you mean... what do you
mean "there is no science"?
I mean, you were just talking
about how much you love
science and math for predicting
your television shows.
The... wh-why do you not like it
in this scenario?
Like, uh... do you either
believe in science
or you do not
believe in science?
I am an American! I can
believe in whatever I want...
- I am also an American.
Okay, though?
-...in any given moment
based on what the argument
I'm trying to make.
- That is not an argument.
- Okay? You are not
a true American, Charlie.
- I'm more American
than you will ever be!
- You s...
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Simmer down, guys.
S... just simmer down, calm down.
All right?
Dee, stop being so emotional.
Okay? So, guys,
I think I have a way
that we can solve this argument
without human emotion
mucking it all up.
What we need is an algorithm.
Now, guys, we are living in
a data-driven world, are we not?
Yeah!
So this is my Behavioral
Predictor algorithm.
- Oh. There's words. Okay.
- Mm.
- So, first we have: "Could he?"
- No way, uh-uh.
- Then "Would he?"
- Nah. Cry for help.
- Mm-hmm.
- And "Should we?"
- Yes.
- Guys, please.
Shut the hell up!
I don't need your opinions.
Okay? 'Cause based
on the analytical conclusions
that we draw here,
we're gonna be able to come up
with a mathematically-accurate,
non-emotional answer
to all of our questions.
Okay? We just need
to think like a computer.
- Oh...
- Oh.
- Like a computer does.
I-I'm getting it now.
- Okay.
Exactly. So why don't we start
with "Could he?" Charlie?
- Okay, great.
- Do the thing.
All right. So, what we have here
is I made a little Paddy's Pub.
- All right.
- Ah.
And-and you got
the, uh, the jumper?
Uh, I do. I do.
Uh, luckily I brought
an egg to work today.
- Oh! Look at that guy.
- All right,
so when the guys falls,
we'll be able to tell,
based on the breakage,
what would happen
to the jumper when...
- I think he's gonna smash.
- Y-Yeah, okay.
- Here we go.
- So, he's up here
and he's saying, "Oh,
- I feel so sad. Life is so..."
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
Yeah, Dee, what would you say
in this situation?
Well, I don't think
he's sad, I think he's happy
to get off this merry-go-round.
Oh, my God.
- That's so pathetic.
I'd never... I would never...
- That you would know that.
- You've thought about it.
- You asked me a...
- You had that in the chamber.
- I'm talking about the egg.
- Here he goes. "Goodbye, world."
- Goodbye.
- Oh.
- Okay.
So I think he'll break a leg,
but, you know...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...he'll be okay.
Hmm.
If I'm being honest,
I was hoping his entire skull
- would just explode.
- Right.
I think we all were, Mac.
We were hoping
- for a bit
of an explosion. Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, but I think what we
learned is that there's no way
that the jumper's gonna die
from this height.
You know? So there's no reason
for us to do anything about it.
Uh, I don't know about that, b...
I think the problem is, is that,
you know, an egg,
i-in this particular case,
a-a hard-boiled egg,
it's not really
an accurate representation
of-of the human head
- and how it would behave
under a fall.
- Yeah, that's true.
Now, Charlie,
do you happen to ha...
I know you've got more eggs...
- Yeah...
- Do you happen
to have an uncooked one?
Ugh. No. Unfortunately,
that was the only one I found.
Found? What does that mean?
Goddamn it, Dee,
are you eating my egg?
Well, yeah. I got hungry.
- Oh...
- Uh, we never got
our fish and chips.
You bitch. That was
the only one in the nest.
Nest? What? Charlie,
where did you get this egg?
Where'd you get
the egg?
And why are you going around
stealing eggs
from goddamn nests in trees?
Well, it wasn't in-in a tree,
it was in a hole.
- Oh, no...
- Yeah. I mean,
it's, like, a rat's egg
or something.
- Can we get back to the task
at hand here? All right?
- Okay.
Dee's eaten some sort
of a rat or a reptile's egg...
...of some kind,
or whatever it is, but...
- Yeah.
-...either way,
we got to find something
that accurately represents
the human head, all right?
Otherwise, we're not gonna get
the explosion that we want.
Oh, you know what,
I might be able to get
Frank's secret casaba melon.
Mmm. Hmm?
Why does Frank keep
a casaba melon in the safe?
Hmm? I don't know,
but he flips out
if I go anywhere
near the thing.
Has he cut a hole in the rind,
and then put it back on,
like a plug?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah, there's a little...
- You guys think he's
having sex with it?
- Well... yeah.
- He's definitely
having sex with it.
Oh, that's...
Prob-Probably is.
- Yeah.
- Probably is.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
Hey, guess what.
There's a guy stuck
on the roof of Paddy's.
Oh, no, he's not stuck,
he's a jumper.
A jumper? You think you could
die from that height?
Uh, well, inconclusive. Yeah.
We'll have an answer for you
on that real soon.
Speaking of which,
we need your casaba melon.
We're gonna run a smash test
on it.
- Whoa, hold it.
- What, what, what?
Stay away from my stuff.
Don't put your hands
near my casaba.
Yeah, hey, man, why do you have
a-a casaba melon in a safe?
You-you banging it?
It's none of your goddamn
business, Dennis.
- None of your goddamn business!
- Banging it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Damn it, I got to get in there.
Damn it.
Dennis is touching my melon.
No. I got to get in there.
Sir, move back.
This area's cordoned off.
There's a jumper on the roof.
You don't understand.
It's my son.
He's gonna do something
really stupid.
I got to get in there.
Oh, your son?
- Yeah.
- Come with me, sir.
- Okay.
- Step aside, please.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please keep a safe distance
- around the perimeter.
- All right, here we go.
Oh, okay, now, I think
this is finally gonna give us
that explosion
we've been craving.
Well, yeah.
Now, if we see splatter,
that's gonna prove that he could
die by jumping, so yeah.
Okay, ready? Here we go. Five...
Four, three,
two, one, ho...
- Cricket!
- Cricket!
- Cricket.
- Where did you come from?
I was up on the roof
getting eggs from a nest.
What the hell?
Come on, man.
Yeah, yeah, well,
I checked the hole,
but it was empty.
- Oh, I got the one in the hole.
- The hole.
Hey, you know that you guys have
a guy up on your roof?
- Yeah, we know.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
There's a guy, there's a jumper.
Guys, why the hell
are you wasting
a perfectly good casaba melon?
We're trying to figure out
if the guy could die
from falling off our roof, so...
Oh, no way. No.
I've fallen off buildings
before; I never die.
And look at me.
I'm doing great.
Yeah, but you're not really
a trustworthy
control group, Cricket.
I mean, you know,
you're sort of subhuman
at this point, you know.
- For sure.
- I don't know how
to squeeze that one
into the algorithm.
Hey, I'm just going to, uh, take
the casaba and head on out.
No, you're not, Cricket.
- Get out of here, street rat.
- Go!
- Get out! Go.
- Fine.
Go get high in the bathroom,
or whatever.
Cricket actually just made me
realize something.
We already have data
for this situation.
Maureen Ponderosa.
Now, she died from falling off
a much shorter building.
- Yeah, but you pushed her.
- No, no, no,
they never proved that.
That was never proven.
It was never even proven
that she was pushed. Okay?
But it was,
I have to say, fortunate
that she landed on her head,
you know.
Or at least he certainly
made it look that way.
- He pushed her.
- Yeah, he pushed her.
No, I was following
your threads.
Come on, you guys are nuts,
all right.
Li-Listen, the point is,
it's all about
how this guy falls, okay.
'Cause if he falls feet first,
he might break a couple bones,
sure, but he-he'll be fine,
he'll survive,
you know what I mean?
That'd be more of a cry
for help, right?
- Wouldn't you say, Dee?
- Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
- So sad that you know that.
- Stop!
But if the guy falls head first,
now that'd be a death jump.
Right? So the answer
to the question
"could he die from jumping?"
Yeah, absolutely,
if he did a death jump.
Okay, you're right.
It's how he falls.
Exactly, exactly.
But the question still remains:
would he jump,
would he do it at all?
And for that we need to
understand his state of mind.
And for that, we got to
go back to the algorithm.
All right, so how does one
go about figuring out
what another human being
would do?
Right? How do you truly get
to know someone?
- Just go through their trash.
- Sleep with them.
- Oh.
- Uh, talk to their priest,
then sleep with their priest.
Then blackmail the priest.
Then go back to the priest
and ask him to ask God
to forgive you
for blackmailing him.
No. No.
You just, uh...
We're just gonna pull up Bryan
O'Brien's social media page,
and we're gonna comb
through that for any
pertinent information
on his life.
Okay, so from what
I'm seeing here,
he looks like
a pretty normal guy.
Yeah, it looks like
he likes to travel.
He was recently on a cruise.
- Lot, lot of pictures of food.
- I love that.
- Oh, I love that.
- Oh, I love that.
- Don't you love that?
- 'Cause I know what I ate.
I don't know...
I want to know what you ate.
It's a good reminder
that food is a thing.
- Yeah, exactly. Right.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so it looks like
he's got a lot to live for.
- He's eating food.
- Mm-hmm.
Or-or-or is he?
Because is... is that just what
he wants you to believe?
You know, because we all know
that on the surface,
social media... it's a lie.
All right, so let's dig deeper,
shall we?
Now, clock the amount
of baseball caps
this guy's wearing,
and with the tucked-in shirts,
it's a bit of a juvenile look
for a man his age,
wouldn't you say?
I mean, he's hardly a child,
but he's still hanging on
to his youth.
That suggests to me that maybe
he's got some daddy issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- Abandonment, abuse.
Plus, he gave him a comical
name, like Mac's dad did.
- His dad hates him as much
as Mac's dad hates him.
- That's so sad.
No, my dad loves me. That...
No, my name's an homage.
- No, it's not.
He really doesn't.
- My dad's name's an homage.
It's an homage
to a hamburger clown.
But, uh, oh, look at this,
looks like he also, uh,
just got back from a cruise,
alone, to mainland Alaska. Oh.
- Lame.
- Where he met himself
an edgy woman
at a conference,
and she introduced him
to a whole new way of life:
parasailing,
Chilean wines, a tattoo
of Spider-Man.
Butt-eating...
Butt-eating?
Where are you getting that from?
Well... there's a certain glint
in the eye, you know, a sparkle.
You can see that
in someone's eye?
- Oh, Dee.
- I'm asking.
- Have you been eating butts?
- Of course she has!
- Nasty!
- You are too much today, Dee.
- I was clarifying.
- You're nasty.
- Too much.
- I just was curious.
But recently the girlfriend,
she's disappeared
from his pictures,
which tells me that,
uh, she probably broke up
with him, you know, because
of all his father issues,
and 'cause he's an alcoholic,
and because of the copious
requests for butt-eating,
which, she was thinking
was more of a one-time thing,
and he was thinking, this is
a thing now, like, from now on.
You got him.
Nice work, man.
- Yeah. Geez.
- That sums this guy up, I think.
All right, guys,
so in summation,
algorithm-wise,
what have we learned here today?
- That Dee's
a nasty fucking slut.
- You are so nasty.
- Okay, all right.
- You nasty!
- Disgusting.
- Definitely, definitely,
but also that the poorly named
Bryan O'Brien most definitely
would kill himself.
- No-no-no...
- So has your son exhibited
this kind of behavior before?
What? Oh, yeah,
he's a real deranged person.
This kid's a real whack job.
I'm afraid he's gonna do
something really stupid
this time.
I got to get in there.
- I can't let you do that, sir.
- But-but, look, it might've been
my fault.
I mean, we had an argument...
I assure you
we're doing all we can.
We're trying to talk to him now.
- So just stay put.
- But-but, hey...
Excuse me, sir,
I'm Jackie Denardo
from Channel Five News.
I hear you're the father.
I would love to interview you.
Baby, I'll do anything you want.
My son is actually
a big fan of yours.
- Oh.
- I mean, it would
really get under his skin
if he knew I was
standing next to those.
Uh, you. You.
Okay, guys, now we are
on to "Should we?"
Should we get involved in this
in any way?
Is it our moral obligation,
as Mac says,
to keep this man
from committing suicide
- and going to hell...
- What... I feel... I don't know.
I still think we just
better, like,
- let the cops do their jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm, I don't know.
But we've already established
that this guy could die
and would jump,
so, I don't know, the chances
of the police getting in there
in time to-to stop this guy
are, uh, pretty slim.
And then we could be known
as a suicide bar,
and that's no good.
I don't want to be that.
Yeah, kind of grim. I'd probably
take my business elsewhere.
You don't have business.
Oh! What, uh, what if you
lean into that, though?
Right? Like, you don't make it
grim, but you make it playful.
Like, we start to name drinks
after jumpers or whatever,
like, uh, The Last Call.
The Jump Shot.
Lemon Drop.
- Right.
- Oh. There you go.
Cosmo-fall-itan?
- Oh!
- Very good.
We could become, like,
a hot spot for jumpers.
You know? We'd put their
pictures up, all around the bar
- to immortalize them, you know?
- Oh, yeah.
Turn them into martyrs.
That's cool. And we'd play
music. We'd play music.
Uh, "Highway to Hell."
"Free Fallin'."
- "Free Fallin'."
Come on, man. That's...
- You know what we could do?
We could lean into, like,
a-a haunted, a haunted house
- kind of bar theme,
like... you know?
- Oh, well, I'm loving that.
Yeah, that'd get
my business back.
You don't have business,
- Cricket.
- You don't have business, guy.
Basically, what we've concluded
is that it would actually
be good for the bar
if this guy jumps and dies.
Yeah? So the answer
to the question
of "should we get involved?"
is... is actually yes.
- Huh? Why, though?
- Yeah, but-but
if-if we stop him, that would be
bad for the bar, right, Dennis?
W-Well... No, that's not
what I'm saying, though.
More importantly, that's not
what the algorithm is saying.
You see, we've already
established that this guy wants
to die and that it would
actually benefit our bar
if he dies.
Now, of course,
from an emotional standpoint,
we feel as though
we should get involved,
we feel as though
we should save this guy,
but the algorithm
is actually telling us
that that does not
benefit anybody.
- Hmm.
- The algorithm is telling us,
mathematically, scientifically,
that this guy could die,
wants to die,
and that we should
help him do it.
That's just math.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Well, it still feels
a little weird,
but feelings are irrelevant
in the face of facts.
- Yeah.
- Is that what I'm hearing?
The feelings... feelings
just get in the way.
Now, but here's-here's
the only thing, though.
Like, if we were gonna do
something like this,
- like...
- Mm-hmm?
...you know, how would we do it?
Like, in the right way?
Do we need to do another
algorithm to figure this out?
Eh.
- Nah, I'll push him.
- Huh?
What's that?
Yeah. I'll push him
off the building.
I don't give a shit.
- This is such a difficult
situation for any parent.
- Yeah.
If you could, would you like
to say anything to your son?
Oh, yeah. Look, you think
you can do whatever you want,
but what's mine is mine.
You don't have a call.
If I want to bang it,
I'm gonna bang it.
Not that I am banging it,
but I could.
And if it doesn't
splatter to bits,
I'm gonna bang it later.
Because it's my property.
And what I do with my property
is my business.
- You got that?
- I-I'm sorry to interrupt,
but we have breaking news.
- Eh.
- I've gotten word
- the jumper is coming down.
- Oh.
I've been told he found out
his estranged father is here
- and he wants
to come down and talk.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's call...
- He's calling me strange?
- Wait, wait...
You don't know what
this sicko kid has done.
Okay, Cricket, uh,
here's a broom.
You probably sneak up there,
give him a little nudge,
and, uh, you know,
don't let anyone see you
- commit the murder.
- Whoa, uh...
Guys, can-can
we just not call it a murder?
Let's try to think of it
more analytically,
more mathematically.
It's sort of like a deletion.
You know? Like hitting
Control-Alt-Delete.
Bloop. He's in the trash.
- Oh, that's all it is, right?
- I like that.
- That works for me.
- Uh-oh.
-Blip. He's gone.
Breaking news right now.
Uh, there's some clarification.
The jumper did not jump.
He did not jump from the roof.
He is coming down the stairs.
G... oh, dude, that's...
What a gyp.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We were gonna...
we had a good plan.
Can I say something, though?
I think this is for the best.
Right.
- You know what I mean?
- Probably.
-That's not the algorithm...
- Right.
- Like, we were going down a road
I was not totally
comfortable with.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You guys want to go back
to watching our show?
- Let's get back to our show.
- Right?
-The show.
- All right.
- Why are we watching this stuff?
- Okay. Yeah, okay.
- The guy didn't even jump.
That's boring.
Chet, what we are about
to witness here
is a father being reunited with
his son after a harrowing day.
- Here he is now.
- Yeah. Hey...
This isn't my dad.
That's not Dennis.
I thought you said
you were the dad.
Not of this sad sack.
I'm sorry, kid.
Must've been a mix-up.
I got distracted
by the reporter's bagonzas.
Speaking of melons,
there's a casaba
with my name on it in there.
Dear Anna, our time apart only
makes my heart grow fonder.
- In the dead of night...
- Oh!
Hey, you got our fish and chips?
- Ate 'em.
- Uh...
- You ate 'em?
- Wow.
-Hey, wait, wait.
- Where's my melon?
Where's my casaba?
- Oh...
It's right here, man. Why do you
care so much about this thing?
- What is the deal?
- Ah...
Yeah, what is
the deal with that?
- Ugh.
- Oh.
- Ah...
- Oh, God.
-Ugh!
It's where I stash my Maui Kush.
- You hide your weed
in a casaba melon?
- Yeah.
In case the cops
ransack the place,
you got to find a good,
unsuspecting spot
to stash your drugs.
Pot's pretty much legal now.
You don't really have
to stash it anywhere.
I-I don't think
you have to hide it, man.
When did that happen?
- Can you move?
You're blocking our show, man.
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
You're blocking the show.
I didn't know that.
What? You're still watching
that British show?
I mean, that's a bunch of crap.
- It stinks.
- Uh...
Uh, well, no, actually,
the algorithm told us
that we like it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. And-and, um...
- Yeah.
- I don't. You know what I mean?
Like, I can't follow what
they're saying most of the time.
Thank you for saying that.
I find it very boring.
- Okay, now, I...
- It is boring, right?
I hate the plot
because it's absurd.
The plot is ridiculous.
- Right? The scullery maid?
- And their teeth,
I find them hard to look at.
The teeth are a little bit
of a mess, but mathematically
we're supposed
to like the show.
Uh, yeah,
I know, but mathematically
we were supposed
to kill a man today.
Maybe that's, like,
part of the problem
of, like, taking the humanity
out of decisions.
Perhaps the science
just isn't there yet.
Hey! Where did we land
on the casaba?
I-I think you can eat it, man.
I think we're done with it.
Yeah, we're done.
- Yeah.
-Oh!
- Yeah, baby.
- Eh.
I wouldn't eat it, Cricks.
It's full of loads.