It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 7 - The Gang Solves Global Warming - full transcript

RADIO DJ: 101.3 WNFY weather report.

It's a scorcher out there,
already 102 degrees.

Residents are being asked
to keep their thermostats

at 76 degrees to conserve energy.

Ah, man, global warming.
It's out of control.

Yeah. It's hot, baby.

Guys, we don't really have to
worry about global warming,

because... yes,
is the Earth getting unbearably hot?

Of course it is.
But it's all a part of God's plan.

Look, if God wants
to roast us like turkeys,

there's got to be a good reason for it.

That's easy for you to say;
you're young.

You know who's gonna get hurt the worst?

- Old people.
- Old people?

- Yeah.
- No, it's the younger generation that's gonna suffer

- from global warming the most.
- DENNIS: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.

Listen,
there's no reason to fight, okay?

We're actually living at a
very exciting time right now.

I mean, we're all finally in agreement

that climate change is real.

Well, yes,
the 25 years of climate science

finally caught up with my opinions,
and, Dennis,

when opinions meet facts,
that's when you get truth.

- Oh, God.
- DEE: Wow.

Yeah, yeah. But the good news is, hey,

for the first time I can remember,

we all have the same truth.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- DENNIS: Yeah.

- That's nice, right? Yeah.
- How 'bout that?

And, look, while some people are saying,

"Look, we're staring down the barrel

of a global catastrophe here,"
that is true, but I think

if we all work together,
we can solve this problem.

- Guys, we can beat the heat.
- ["THE HEAT IS ON" BY GLENN FREY PLAYING]

Oh! Hey!

- DENNIS: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
- ♪ The heat is on ♪

♪ On the street ♪

- ♪ To stay alive ♪
- _

_

♪ 'Cause the heat is on ♪

♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Oh-whoa-ho, oh-whoa-ho ♪

♪ Tell me can you feel it,
tell me can you feel it ♪

♪ Tell me can you feel it ♪

♪ The heat is on. ♪

- _
- ♪ Hot town, summer in the city ♪

♪ Back of my neck getting
dirt and gritty... ♪

DENNIS: Guys?

Feeling that? Nice and cool, huh?

Turned the AC way down.

Yeah, I don't know why
we're wasting our AC on strangers.

No, Frank, we're not wasting it.

No-no-no-no.
We're adapting to climate change.

People are animals.

When push comes to shove,

- there's no "together."
- No-no-no, see, listen.

By-by-by cranking the AC
down below the recommended,

uh, settings, and getting the word out

that Paddy's has the best AC in town,

we're actually helping our business

and helping the environment.

No, that doesn't work. Shame's better.

Like I do with my shoes,
you know what I mean?

How would I know what you mean?

My shoes that are made out
of recyclable materials.

I did a whole Instagram Story about it.

Talking about how great the shoes are,

making people feel stupid
for not having them.

You know, you remember.

Who the fuck do you think
is watching your... What?!

- Not-not one person on Earth is...
- Get out of here.

What are you talking about?
Plus, how is there any plastic

left in the ocean after they used it

to cover your gargantuan feet?

- [CHUCKLING]
- Yeah, big feet. Hey, guys, though,

we got a little bit of a problem.

Uh, there's, like, a,
I don't know, like, a backup

of the water lines or something.
The ice machine's broken.

We don't have any ice.

Oh, shit. Okay, well,
just, uh, call the store

and have them deliver some ice.

And make more waste by having
a big smoke-spewing truck

deliver ice to us when we could
just simply get off our asses

and go get it ourselves? Hey, guys,

listen, I just wanted to
talk about the importance

of not only talking the talk,
but also walking the walk.

Oh. As I'm saying that,
it's reminding me

I'm loving my new eco-friendly shoes.

See there? Not only
am I helping the environment,

I could also get some free swag

- if I keep it up, play my cards right.
- DENNIS: That's awesome.

You're such an awesome eco-warrior.

And since you want to walk the walk,

why don't you walk to the
store and pick us up some ice?

- I just might.
- Okay, then do it.

- Maybe I will.
- Get out and go!

Could even do an Instagram
Story about it on my way there.

Oh, super cool!

- DENNIS AND FRANK: Go!
- Fine. - Go, go and go

- and go and go and go and go and go, go, go and go.
- Fine!

Charlie, come with me;
I need someone to video me

so I look more professional.

I don't want to do that.

We'll do a Story about Purina,

tag them, and get you
a free case of cat food.

- Done.
- Hmm.

Did you see that, Frank?

If you incentivize somebody
to make the right decision,

you can get them to do
whatever you need them to do.

All right, what about me?
Where's my incentive?

Well, uh, how about
we lower that AC even more

and see if that helps you?

How would that help me?

Frank, what's the temperature
at which a certain body part's

small, smooth muscle cells contract,
thereby decreasing

the surface area of the skin,
causing that certain body part

to protrude in an unusual fashion?

65.7 degrees Fahrenheit.

- Make it so.
- I'll do it.

What are you guys talking about?

Nipples, Mac. Uh, nipples.

Hi.

[BELL DINGS]

Son of a bitch charged me $40
for a bag of ice, Charlie.

They... he's taking advantage
of this heat wave,

- jacking up the prices.
- Yeah, he's smart.

So what's going on with the feet?

- I see you limping here.
- Ah!

Yeah, you know what?
These shoes, they are,

they're the worst.

Well, my feet
are all blistered and swollen.

- Yeah?
- But they're so cute and totally on-brand.

- Uh-huh.
- What are you doing? Don't do the Story now.

Well, you told me
to shoot candid moments

- that seemed honest.
- I said staged moments

that looked candid and seemed honest.

All right, well, can we just
walk back to the bar? Let's go.

I-I don't know.
I honestly don't think I can walk back.

My feet are killing me.

Let's take the bus, then.

Do you have any idea how
much pollution a bus causes?

I don't know. Uh, three?

Three?

- Three what?
- Pollutions?

- All right, we're not...
- I-I'm not a scient...

- I'm not a scientist.
- We're not... You're not a scientist.

I get it.
We're not taking the bus, though,

because buses are wasteful and
more importantly disgusting.

You're just all crammed on
there with a bunch of mongrels

breathing directly into your mouth.
There's no room. No.

Plus it's the future, Charlie.

- We can just take a rideshare.
- Rideshare? Why... What?

Yeah. It's when a bunch of people
get the app,

and then y'all take the same
vehicle to different places.

Same vehicle, diff... so, like a bus.

Fine, but it's not a bus, it's a car.

- So less room.
- Okay. Uh-huh.

'Cause if we just take the bus...

- We're not taking a bus, Charlie!
- Okay.

- Taking the rideshare. Come on.
- All right. Well...

♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

- ♪ I got a fever of a hundred and three ♪
- _

♪ Come on, baby... ♪

What the hell is this?
Hey, Frank, Frank, Frank.

- Hold on. What's-what's going on, man?
- What?

I thought you turned the AC up?

- It's getting hot as hell.
- I did. I did,

but there's too many people here.

I can't offset the body heat.

- Hey, we got a problem.
- Yeah, I... yeah, I saw that.

What's with all the water, man?
What's going on here?

MAC: Oh, that is probably from

the ice machine breaking down.

The water got backed up and
maybe diverted over here.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

- What?
- Look.

The fish factory guys
heard about the AC.

Now they're hanging out.

- Nobody wants to go near them.
- Yeah, well, they're covered in fish parts.

They probably smell like shit.
Go kick them out, Mac.

Uh, well, they go to my church.

And if I kick them out,
then they'll tattle on me to God.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

FRANK: You know, Dennis,

I'm not very incentivized here.

These are not the nips I wanted.

- [SIGHS]
- Whoa, Frank. Come on, man.

Now is not the time for your racism.
This affects us all.

We're all in this together.

Talking about the nipples.
I don't see any.

- Oh. Right, right. Sorry. Your, um...
- Not... people.

Yeah, no, your track record
in that department

is, uh, it's not great.

Yeah, it's just that
his misogyny is stronger

- than his racism.
- In this case.

- In this case.
- All right, well, sorry for, uh, sorry

for jumping on you like that.
Um, we can figure this out.

- Of course. God will provide.
- Well, we will provide.

I'm looking for answers right now.
We will provide.

- I got an answer. God created us.
- Okay. [SIGHS]

All right, you know what?
Look, um, I have an idea.

We'll adapt.

♪ Well, I'm hot blooded,
check it and see... ♪

Hey, guys. Hey, why create an
even bigger carbon footprint

by taking stinky buses all
over town when you can just hop

in a, in a, in a rideshare,
in an electric vehicle?

I'm loving this ride, y'all.

And cut.

Stop saying "and cut," Charlie.
Just take your finger

off the button.
You don't have to say that.

Christ. Might as well be in a bus.

I am eating this guy's breath.

- Yeah.
- I mean, just straight up eating it.

- It's super hot in here, too.
- It's so hot.

- I'm boiling.
- Guy? Can you turn the AC up, please?

- We're dying back here.
- DRIVER: Uh, sorry, electric car.

AC kills the battery.

Okay, then just turn it on for a minute

and then turn it right back off.

Want me to open a window?

No. No, I actually don't
want hot air from the outside

blowing all over the place,
but thank you.

You want a breath mint or some gum?

I want some goddamn air conditioning.

What's some gum gonna do?

Well, when someone offers you gum,
it's usually a hint.

- That's him! That's not me.
- Uh, well,

- it's both of you. It's both of you.
- Uh...

I'm gonna give you one star, jerk!

Maybe consider getting
some gum for those pits!

What an ass... Hey, everybody.

Just coming back from a real quick trip.

We walked to the store

and then we took a
fantastic rideshare home.

And we got a really awesome
bag of ice to show for it.

- And stop!
- What? What are you doing?

Well, you don't want me to say "cut,"

- so I'll say "stop." It's better.
- Well, I wanted

to bring the ice up into the
frame so I could show them...

- and don't say, don't say "cut" or "stop," just stop.
- Oh, okay.

All right? Let's do it again.
Where is the ice?

- Uh, the ice is melted. Yeah, not much left.
- Uh...

- What?!
- It was super hot in that car, Dee.

Oh, Christ!

- Cat food, please?
- Not...

We're not gonna get the cat food
'cause we... [GROANS]

- I can't go back in there without d... Hey!
- And go!

We're just getting ice out here.

- And stop.
- Beating the heat. [SCREAMS]

Hey...

- fans.
- And stop!

I'm going to murder you.

- Whoa, you're freaking out.
- Yes.

I am freaking out.
Film when I say "film."

Hey, everybody.

- You said "film."
- All good. It's just hot.

It's just so hot. And cut.

- You saying "cut" now?
- I say "cut," not you!

- All right, I got a plan.
- It's hard to follow all your rules, Dee.

- Just shut up! We're gonna call a car.
- Uh-huh.

We're gonna get in the car.
We're gonna go get ice.

We're gonna come back with a bag of ice,

and we're gonna shove
it in their face...

So we're taking two cars when
we could've taken one car

or called the truck and this whole thing

could've been done, like, hours ago.

- Okay. We'll walk. But stop talking to me!
- Okay, we'll walk.

- And I'm rolling.
- Hi. We're just gonna walk to get some more ice.

- ♪ I said it's getting hot in here, so hot ♪
- _

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ I am getting too hot,
I want to take my clothes off ♪

♪ Oh, it's getting hot in here, so hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ I am getting... ♪

Hey, Frank.

Global warming is the fucking best.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Over here.

Ah.

- Yeah.
- DENNIS: All right, guys.

Listen, we got another problem,
all right?

We're running out of glasses
and I can't run the dishwasher

'cause it's too big of a power suck.

It's gonna kill the AC.

I got a fix. We got this stuff

back when we were gonna
have the Memorial Day party,

but then we had to cancel
it because of the blizzard.

- Oh! You bought the... yeah!
- Yeah!

- That's working together, baby.
- It's plastic.

- DENNIS: Nice work.
- The Lord provideth again!

No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth.

Frank provideth.
He's the one who bought the cups.

Frank provideth.

That... well, the Lord
provideth the snowstorm in May

that allowed us to get the cups now.

- Uh-huh.
- See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis.

And that's locked in, so we're good.

Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?

No. No, because, uh,
we have free will, Dennis,

which means that, um,
we have to take the necessary steps

to make sure that that
plan comes to fruition.

- Which is predetermined.
- Yes.

But it doesn't matter what we
do if it's all predetermined.

You see how your argument
doesn't make any sense?

Uh, that's correct.
But it doesn't have to make sense,

because that's where the faith comes in.

Right? I have faith that
what I'm saying makes sense.

Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense,

your faith makes it make sense.

- Correct.
- Got it. Okay, so there's no way

to have a rational
conversation with you.

- No.
- Climate change affects us all.

Okay? We're all in this together.
All right?

We need to work together,
and we can still make a profit, okay?

Don't worry. Just let me think
about how to make this work.

Well, think fast,
because it's getting hotter in here

and people are gonna start dying.

I got an idea. I got an idea.

Look, the-the music,
it's very, very up-tempo.

What if we throw a couple
slow jams in here, all right?

Drop the body heat down a notch.

- FRANK: Let's do it.
- That's an excellent idea.

And don't you see how
God came through you

to come up with that idea?

Go turn... change the music.

- Change the music.
- I'll go change the music. I'm-a change the music.

- [BELL DINGS]
- Son of a bitch.

Charged me 20 extra bucks for this one.

- Want me to film this rant?
- No!

Obviously I don't. What is this?
What have you done?

Well, I got a nice little trash bag...
that's keeping me

a little bit cooler...
and then this totally creates shade.

You want me to make you a hat?

No, thanks. I don't want
to wear trash on my head.

You're wearing it on your feet.

I paid 90 bucks for these things.

Well, I can charge you for the hat if it

- makes you feel better.
- No, that's not the point

- I was making, but the...
- Oh, all right.

My shoes do suck. My feet are dead.

Let's just call another car and get back

to the bar before this ice melts again.

Oh, goddamn it.

- What's wrong?
- My account's been suspended.

That driver gave me one star,
citing "verbal abuse"

and saying I urinated all
over the backseat of his car.

That was melted ice.

Actually, I did pee
back there a little bit.

- I did, too. It was a very long ride.
- You did? I thought you did.

- I did. Yeah. But that's not the point.
- Ah, all right.

The point is we're stuck now.

Unless we take the bus.

[MOANS]

- [MAN EXHALING HEAVILY]
- [GRUNTS]

Goddamn it.

- _
- ♪

How did it get hotter?

I don't know, man.
I think the slow jams backfired.

It's like all the friction
from the grinding,

like, created a closed system.

I didn't account for all
the increased sexiness.

There's a lot of rumblings coming from

- the water section, too, there.
- DENNIS: Well, that's 'cause

they're not reusing the cups.
You know what I mean?

They don't have any cups left.
They're throwing all the trash

- in the water.
- And they want more booze.

- [SIGHS]
- Which, by the way, we don't have any.

We didn't have enough
to accommodate the people

that were here before,
and now it seems like

we've doubled in size and
we just don't have enough.

- Where is your God now?
- Yeah, Mac.

- He will reveal himself at some point.
- Oh.

Well, is he gonna do it
before all these people revolt

- and destroy the place?
- All right...

I don't know, Frank.
I don't question God's will.

If he wants to destroy the Earth,
that's on him.

- I support it!
- What are you talking about?

Guys-guys, stop... Okay, stop bickering.

We can't be bickering. Okay, look.

We said we were gonna
beat the heat together.

As a team, as a community.

And that's what we're gonna do,
goddamn it.

I got it. I got it.

Hey, uh, everybody,
if I could get your attention, please.

I got a quick announcement.

If everybody could just
listen up real quick.

- Dennis has an announcement.
- Yeah, I have an annou...

You don't need to
announce my announcement.

Okay.

Idiot. Um, okay, uh, so, guys,

uh, are you guys having a good time?

- What a great party, huh?
- [CROWD CHEERING]

That's right, that's right.
But check this out.

Check this out. Here's my announcement.

We do need to chill out
on the dancing a little bit,

'cause we-we're overworking
that AC, but...

- [CROWD BOOING]
- Now, now, no, no, I get it,

I get it, I get it, I get it.

Listen, you think I want to be that guy?

I don't want to be that guy,
but I think if we just

stop dancing for just a second,
the AC can catch up,

this place can cool down.

I don't want to stop.

You don't want to stop? Yeah, I know.

Nobody wants to stop.

We're all having a good time.
But maybe we just, like...

Uh, you know what? Let's not stop.

Let's not stop at all.
Let's just chill out.

We'll chill out for a second,
you know what I mean?

We'll chill out. We'll slow things down.

- I don't want to slow down.
- Okay, listen,

I know you don't want
to slow down, I get it.

[CHUCKLES]: Nobody wants to slow down.

It's all good,
but we got to work together, right?

We got to, we got to work
together to keep this place cool

and to keep everything kosher,
all right?

One other announcement:
uh, we're running a little low

on tequila and other liquors.

[CROWD BOOING]

All right, so...

[STAMMERS] I'm not
talking crazy stuff here.

We got plenty to go around, all right?

Maybe instead of ten shots,
we do, like, five or six.

That's it. You know?

I... I-I want ten shots.

You want ten shots, but, you know,

ten shots is too much for you
and five to six is plenty.

- Don't tell her what she needs.
- [CROWD BOOING]

Stop. Everybody st... O-Okay.
I get it. Look, l-let's not...

You're losing them, you're losing them!

All right, look, I'm not trying
to bring the mood down, guys.

This is... It's all good. Okay?
Just... let's just recognize

that just... whoa, pal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, look, stop.

I'm just saying we're in
a little bit of a tricky situation here.

We can figure this out.

Just, it's getting real hot in here.

Okay? And we're running
a little low on resources.

It's fine. W-We... But if we adapt,
we'll keep the party going

for a long, long time. So who's with me?

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

- I got the booze!
- [CROWD CHEERING WILDLY]

Oh, my God. That bus was hot as shit.

- The third bus was the hottest, you know what I mean?
- Yeah.

It's those local buses.
We should've just gotten off

- at the express and walked, but that's...
- It's all the buses.

- They're bad.
- Whoo.

- Please tell me the ice didn't melt.
- Uh, no,

but somebody ripped a hole in the bag

- and stole it. Yeah.
- What?!

- How did you not notice that?
- Oh, I don't know.

My back must have gone numb
from the ice on my back.

- You know what I mean?
- Oh, no. No. I can't go all the way

- back to that store. I can't do it.
- Oh, no.

No, that's too many vehicles.

But how are your feet feeling, though?

Oh, I got to say, though,

Charlie, the feet are feeling real good.

- Whatever you made...
- I'm pretty proud of that shoe.

- Uh, you should be.
- Yeah. That's the medical sponge, which is...

- I don't want to hear any of the details, though.
- Oh, okay.

- I'll spare you.
- Okay? Thank you.

Whoo. So what's the plan now?

I got one last idea.

Hey, oh! Ice!

We got ice.

What's going on in here?
Who are these guys?

DENNIS: Uh, these are our friends

from the fish factory. What's up, guys?

They're actually pretty good
dudes once you get to know them.

Yeah, nice c... not like the
people we had in here before.

- They were terrible. [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, well, what happened to the party, though?

People were animals, just like I said.

All right, well,
while you guys were in here

destroying the environment, I got ice,

with barely a carbon footprint.

And I also made a
pretty sweet Insta Story

to spread the word and
shame my followers.

- Mm-hmm.
- Check it out.

What up, Dee's Nuts?

Just another important
Insta message for you.

Don't forget to reduce, reuse and...

I'd rather drive six Hummers

than smell your shit breath, loser!

Well, these shoes suck.
They're terrible.

My feet are all blistered.
What are you doing? Don't...

- You're the stupid idiot! Okay?
- No. You put my ice bag down...

I'm not putting the ice down!
I'm taking the ice!

- I'll give your money this time.
- Get the hell out of my store.

But you try and gouge me again,
you son of a bitch,

I'll gouge your eyes out!

[GRUNTS]: There you go.

Last time you get recycled.

Hope a bird chokes to death on you.

[SHOUTS] I hate the bus!
Oh, you're disgusting!

I can't stand being near
you low-life degenerates!

[SPITS]

Ah. Yeah. Not tipping you either,
so don't even ask.

- CHARLIE: And cut.
- Okay, stop saying "and cut."

Goddamn it, Charlie.

[TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS]