It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 2 - It Takes One to Know One - full transcript

[Music]

I really appreciate you teaching
me the fundamentals, Miss Agnew.

I'm sorry I'm so dense.

Could you show me that
hip-to-hip rollover again?

All right.

You'll have to put your arms around me.

Well, let's go easy at first.

By the numbers, huh?

Now, really attack me.

I'll do my best.

What's going on?



Miss Agnew, may I remind
you that you are an SIA agent?

Mr. Baines, you don't think that I would...

It's all my fault, Noah.
I asked her to teach me a couple of holds.

Central Control, have you had
this situation under surveillance?

We have notified security
that parolee is working

systematically to
overpower parole officer.

Over.

That will be all, Miss Agnew.
I'll take over from here.

Yes, sir.

It won't be quite the same.

It was nice serving time with you, officer.

Ciao.

I wish you wouldn't corrupt the help.

It was all your idea.
You set me up as an international playboy.



Custom clothes, custom
cars, custom custodian.

Yes, I know.

You were just a
simple, clean living con

working your way
through San Jovo prison

till I came along and
made your life miserable.

Tell me, Al, how do
you feel about gambling?

Never touch the stuff.

I'm a thief, Noah, remember? I steal.

Where is the richest, classiest
casino in all of Southern Europe?

Montefiore.

Think you could pass for
an American millionaire?

Lay the million on me, I'll
put on my dancing shoes.

The principality of
Montefiore is a buffer state.

It's friendly to our
side, and it keeps the

Eastern Mediterranean
out of the wreck.

But it's a tourist economy, like Monaco.

If the casino collapses,
the country collapses.

Why would it fall?

The Montefiore currency,
though solid, is vulnerable.

It's called the diamond frank
because it's based on Europe's last and

biggest batch of family jewels.

You want me to steal the
Montefiore crown Jewel?

No.

One of our operatives in the Aegean
sector has uncovered an organized plan

to steal the Montefiore crown jewels.

They're not just nice,
greedy thieves like you, Al.

Who are they?

They're enemy agents out to
knock over the whole house of cards.

And if they succeed in stealing the
crown jewels, Montefiore sinks rapidly

behind the Iron Curtain.

You want me to prevent stealing?

It takes a thief to spot a heist.

[Music]

Oh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy.

But that's going to steal.

[Music]

[Sound of a plane taking off]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

Get it on tape.

[Music]

Go ahead, Al.

The agents are Anton Leach,
posing as a Zipriot shipping magnate,

and Hoontzer Shorter posing as
a pit employee here in the casino.

Come on, Al, you're
good, but not that good.

How do you know these are the agents?

Now, uh, will you stop?

I've been spotting cops
since I was six years old.

I can spot con men, hoods, and thieves.

It's all in the line of the body
to focus at the concentration.

You wouldn't understand.

How'd you get their names and cover?

Do I question your method?

I lifted their wallets.

I have here their party cards,
credit cards, calling cards.

Mr. Leach is attached to the Politburo,
and Hoontzer is a lieutenant colonel

in counterintelligence.

I'll wait here until you arrest them.

We can't have them arrested.

They'd just retaliate
and arrest some

of our agents back
in their home country.

Our job is to see to it that
their mission does not succeed.

You got that?

Your orders are to stay tight with them.

Find out how they plan to pull that heist.

So stick around the casino.

Find yourself some rich
old lady to use as a cover.

You can gamble a little.

Rich old lady?

Pretend to have fun.

Got it.

[music].

[speaking French]

[music]

Messieurs, some chips perhaps?

Thank you.

Here.

Next to the stuffy man, the one with
the good conduct medal, the girl with

the boy haircut.

I'm sorry, messieurs.

The stuffy man is the Prince Jezre de
Montefiore, and the young lady is the

Princess Royale.

Messieurs.

Thank you.

Are they happily married?

Oh, no, messieurs.

They are just in company.

She's here only for a brief vacation.

Delightful.

[music]

[speaking French]

Oui, messieurs.

I stepped on this.

Ah, messieurs.

Look what this gentleman found.

This one.

Oh.

Which are you looking for, Astrid?

My earring.

Oh, Edouard, Princess
Astrid has lost her earring.

Princess Astrid.

Your earring.

Oh, never mind, Edouard.

Oh, I was afraid to lose it.

It belonged to my grandmama.

For whomever found it.

Oh, he will not accept it, your highness.

He's very wealthy.

The American.

Mm-hmm.

A daring bet, your highness.

Your highness, would
you care to make a bet?

No, thanks.

I am daring also.

Maggot.

Oui, messieurs.

Well, it's only tax money.

Ah, what business are you in?

I'm an independent contractor.

I supply specialty items to
government specifications.

What?

Shame.

I'm using.

I promised father I'd limit
my losses to 10,000 a night.

However, I am quite
daring on the dance floor.

Would you care to bet on my bossa nova?

I think we have time for the last dance.

I'm afraid I can't keep
up with Prince Chatseret.

Does he drop a bundle
like that every night?

Of course.

After all, the casino belongs to him.

He can afford to lose from
one pocket into the other.

Oh, I see.

And Count Edouard, he
keeps track of the cash flow.

Yes, he's the minister of finance.

I thought he was your chaperone.

I left my chaperone in St.
Moritz along with my bodyguard.

I skipped away from them both
and came down here incognito.

I hope Chatseret doesn't get jealous.

Why should he?

After all, we have known each
other since we were tiny children.

And you must not call him Chatseret.

Have I committed a faux pas?

It may sound quaint in a
rocket, but the members

of the royal family are
addressed as highness.

Your highness, you are very beautiful.

I sure am, darling.

Call me Rog.

Mr. Hampton, I like fast horses and
fast cars, but fast men make me very

uncomfortable.

Your highness, if there's
one thing I want, I want you.

Comfortable.

Excuse me, closing time.

Prince Chatseret wishes you good
night, Mr. Hampton, and better luck

tomorrow night at the table.

Princess.

I'll see you to the door.

Excuse me, I have to
see to protect the alarm.

Alarm?

A security measure to
protect the crown Jewel.

The alarm inside the display
case is activated, your highness.

Proceed with the floor alarm.

Everyone will have to
stay off the main floor.

We're about to activate
the electronic beam.

Tell them to hold the doors.

I want to test the alarm.

Turn on the floor beam.

Positions!

Halt!

[The alarm is activated.]

Maximum security.

May I?

Hold the doors!

Mr. Hampton, have you a handkerchief?

Please.

[The alarm is activated.]

What do you think, Mr. Hampton?

Foolproof.

May I see you to your hotel, your highness?

I promised Chatseret a nightcap,
but just to tell you I'm exhausted.

May I drop you at your hotel, monsieur?

Oh, it's a nice night.
I think I'll stroll home in the moonlight.

Good night, monsieur Hampton.

Good night.

Good night, Count.

Good night.

[Music].

[Music].

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music].

[Music]

Mr. Hampton.

Ah, your highness.

What happened to your nightcap?

Well, if you must know, Prince
Chateret borrowed me. I told him I had it.

I was about to go to my room when
I found the earrings, the one that you

returned to me.

It must be on the dance floor.
The catch must be broken.

Come with me.

I will tell them you are
not a suspicious character.

By the way, what are you doing
out here in the bar all alone?

I couldn't sleep.

Why don't you try going to bed?

That's an idea.

Oh!

It's all right. It's
Princess Astrid

Artois, the gentleman
here, is my escort.

One moment, please, your highness.

Not one moment.
I've lost my earring in the casino.

It's a valuable heirloom and
I'm not about to leave without it.

We have your earring
in the security office.

I'll take it now, thank you.

Please, your highness.

We might as well wait here.

You are not supposed to touch a
royal personage without permission.

I'm sorry. I'm just not up on the rules.

I forbid you to kiss me.

I forbid you to kiss me
and you did it anyway.

What can you expect from
the pushy American playboy?

At ease.

Your earring, your highness.

I must take it to the
jeweler in the morning.

I will thank Prince
Chessirey for it personally.

Your highness.

Good night, Mr. Armstrong.

You have to rush off.
We were just getting comfortable.

Good night.

[Music].

Let me go.

You're lucky I don't
wrap you up and

dump you in the royal
fountain face down.

Who are you?

Never mind who I am.

This is my scene
and nobody's going

to cut in on my shot
at the crown jewels.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're finished. Off the case.
Relieved of your mask and crowbar.

I'll see you around.

Put your hands up.

Ha, hands up. Where did you learn that?

Do as I tell you. How high?

Huh?

I don't believe you.

And perhaps you will believe me.

I have been
listening to your quite

fascinating analysis
of our plan of attack.

What makes you so positive?

Our approach is so inferior.

Gun. You dig?

Your boy here carries a Skoda 42 caliber.

And look at you carrying a deadly weapon.

A professional never carries a piece.

A high stakes brain, not muscle.

Your idea is to jump the guard,
kill him, grab the key and turn off the

floor alarm system.

Turn off the juice and shovel
all the loot in your burglar bag.

Killing may seem crude, but it has
done the job for us in the past and I see

no reason to believe it won't
do the job for us this time.

If you ask me, it's lucky I spotted you.

Lucky?

The floor alarm happens to be a de
Havilland model number four, which

happens to be a time clock.

If you turn it off before it's
time, it triggers the alarm system.

Perhaps we are lucky you
spotted us, Mr. uh... Mundy.

Alexander Mundy.

Thief.

Oh.

But we are not thieves.

At least not professionally.

We are a little more important than that.

However, our objective does happen
to be the Montefiore crown jewels.

You'll never make it.

Oh, but we will make it.

With a professional like you to guide us.

Not me.

I work strictly on my own.

That's a wise policy.

But it is one that will have to change.

You organize the operation.

And we will help you carry it out.

Then we will share the proceeds with you.

And if I don't?

We will kill you.

I'll cut you in on one condition.

Oh?

And what is that?

I'm the boss.

You're the boss.

[Music]

[Music]

I was afraid you'd never speak to me again.

You were impossible last night.

But I must admit, it
was partly my fault

for giving you the
opportunity to be...

disrespectful.

I kissed you as respectfully as I know how.

You're making me uncomfortable again.

What am I doing?

Holding my hand.

It's a nervous habit.

Every time I see something
exquisitely lovely, I get grabby.

Please excuse me.

I promised Count O'Rourke I would join you.

You can't resist me, can you?

You keep saying that, then
one of us may begin to be lazy.

Your Highness.

You're learning.

Will you come back if I promise
to keep my hands to myself?

Where's the funny net?

Here's the casino.

Here's the park across the street.

The guards patrol along here.

These telephone wires reach
from the casino roof to this pole.

Now all we have to do
is drive a telephone truck

in here by the pole like
we're making line repairs.

Also, we need a large piece of this,
blue velvet, with strips of metal sewn

in the corners.

How can we get the telephone truck?

Steal it.

[speaking French]

Wonderful.

[music]

[music]

Spoonzer, you read me?

I read you, I read you.

There is a motor that raises the
chandelier for cleaning, but I doubt if it

would pull the weight of a person.

I'm going to connect the main cable.

Main cable connected here.

How many feet do you need?

Three feet.

Three feet, coming up.

Three feet.

Main cable connected.

Proceeding to secondary
cable in escape system.

Secondary cable connected here.

I'm going off the line for a minute.

[speaking French]

Noah, I haven't got much time.

They're very capable
operators, armed and dangerous.

The heist is set for 3 A.M. tomorrow night.

The best way to wreck their action
is to notify the Montefiore authorities

to close off the roof.

You'll wipe them out in mid-heist.

I'll be over next door in the
park with the getaway car.

Au revoir. Au revoir.

[music]

Operator, the number we have just
called from this telephone, we had it

written down on a piece of
paper, but we seem to have lost it.

We would like to place the call again.

Thank you.

One moment.

Yes?

[speaking French]

Thank you.

No, we will place the
call a little bit later on.

Monsieur Hunter was under the
impression that we would not put the Royal

Treasury on public display.

He thought they were imitation.

I assure you those are my
great-grandmother's earrings.

A necklace?

That can't be. The Corsican tiara.

One thousand diamonds.

But... Well, I don't
want to say anything.

What don't you want to say?

Well, look at it. And the necklace.

What about it?

Well, there's no glitter.

The emeralds have no fire.
There's no, uh...

There's no shimmer.
They look sort of... soapy.

Soapy?

Well, now that you tell me
that they're real, I can see that.

But... but who ever
heard of displaying

precious jewelry on a
washed-out backdrop?

I mean, if you'll forgive me, it
looks like they're in a... a hawk shop.

Hawkshop?

[speaking French]

What do you mean, washed-out backdrop?

Hmm?

White.

White velvet. Diamonds on white velvet.

Don't you see how it wipes everything out?

Now, we don't have collections
of jewelry like this in America, but...

if you look into the
windows of Tiffany's

or Cartier's, you'll
see how they...

they can really display precious gems.

What do they do?

Blue velvet, Prince Jezere.

Midnight blue. Glamorous. Mysterious.

It makes jewels Blaze.

Oh, I've offended you.

I'm sorry.

They're... they're really very nice.

Very nice.

I want them to Blaze, Countess.

What?

That white on white is so elegant.

It looks like a hawkshop. Hmm?

Midnight blue would be
better, Your Highness.

Hmm.

Monsieur, I want to get on a blue velvet.

Midnight blue at once.

Blue velvet.

But the shops... the shops are closed.

I... I think there is some
down in the store room.

Oh.

Magnificent.

You know, of course, I had planned
to do it long before you mentioned this.

Of course.

They're not removing the jewels, are they?

No, no, no.
They're just changing the ground cloth.

Prince Jezere prefers midnight blue.

Much prettier.
I have come to your place, Jezere.

Thank you.

Positions, march!

Now, if you'll excuse
us, I'm escorting

Her Highness to a
late snack at the bistro.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I had planned a
nightcap in the palace garden.

I'm sorry. I can't.

I must get my rest.
My plane leaves at seven.

You're not leaving.

I must say goodbye to you all.

I received a call from my family and
they have discovered my whereabouts.

Oh.

I must return to the palace on my duty.

I've enjoyed my visit, Jezere.

I won't wait so long for the next time.

Can't I go out?

Monsieur Hampton?

Well, at least let me
see you to your hotel.

Is it not too far out of your way?

No, not too far out of my way.

We never had a chance, did we?

Since the day we've met, all
we've done is say goodbye.

We can't help what we have
owned him, Monsieur Hampton.

You live in your world and I live in mine.

If my family could
see me consulting

with a... commoner,
they would disown me.

That does sound like a crime.

Consulting with a known commoner.

Well, you might as well
know I'm a phony, too.

My calling card says Roger
Hampton, the third, but I'm...

really only the second
and I doubt whether

I've got... one
million in the bank.

Money is of no interest to me.

The only thing that counts is trust.

My family trusts me.

What your folks don't know won't hurt them.

You only say that because
you feel the way I do.

We must not be dishonest.

You're right.

I'm sorry, I know I look and act
shifty, but I'm really not dishonest.

I must go. I haven't packed yet
and I'm here without my entourage.

Could you use an extra lackey?
I'd make a wild body slave.

I don't think the Minister of Public
Affairs would approve of... All right.

Well, you ruined my
evening, wrecked my vacation.

Anything else?

I want to break your heart.

Listen... closely.

Now we're even.

Don't come with me.

Goodbye.

Good night.

Good night.

Shall we go, Mr. Mundy?

Go? Where?

The blue velvet is in the display case.

The cables are rigged.

The telephone truck is in
its place over in the park.

There's no reason to wait until tomorrow.

We decided to put our
plan into action tonight.

Well, we have to wait until tomorrow.

You can't just shove these things through.

It takes perfect timing.

We appreciate your artistic
sensitivity, Mr. Mundy,

but we have good reason to
believe that now is the time.

Well, I'm the boss, remember?

And I say no.

Would you like us to call Esplanade 560-5

and tell Mr. Bain your last words?

Shall we go, Mr. Mundy?

It's time.

Move out.

I will go first.

You will then have me
above you and Hunter below.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

Move out.

All right, Mr. Mundy, get going.

And remember, not the slightest mistake,

because at exactly the same
time the alarm would sound,

a bullet will go through your brain.

If the alarm goes, I go.

Correct.

Phase two.

Proceed.

[The man is shown reading
the instructions on the screen.]

Ready to lower to final Mark.

Ready on the winch.

Lower away.

Hunter, lower away.

Ten inches.

Five inches.

Stop.

This is your final Mark.

Standing by.

[The man is shown
walking through the woods.]

You're on your own.

You have plenty of time.

But remember, my gun is
pointed at the center of your skull.

[The man is shown
walking through the woods.]

[The man is shown
walking through the woods.]

The glass is cut. I need the magnet.

You forgot to give me Hoons' kit.

You think you can drop it straight down?
I'll catch it.

No, I might miss.

I wouldn't want to shoot
you for my mistake.

All right.
Send it down on a secondary line.

No, something might fall out.

Hunter. Hunter, raise him up.

I want the marking table to first Mark.

[The man is shown
walking through the woods.]

[The man is shown
walking through the woods.]

There's somebody down there.

Hunter, something is wrong.

Get ready to lower me.

He's walking a tightrope.

Up over the floor along.

Looks like we have a heist.
Butting into our heist.

I see him. Can you shoot him?

No.
If I shoot him, I will set off the alarm.

I'll tell him this caper is taken.

Excuse me.

Mr. Ramstein.

Your Highness.

What are you doing
hanging from the chandelier?

I'm admiring your high wire act.

Now I know how you became a millionaire.

Don't tell me you'd steal the
crown jewels from your own cousin.

What kind of royalty are you?

I'm not royalty, and he's not my cousin.

I heard the Princess wasn't going
to be in town, so I took her place.

I'm a thief, just like my
mother and my grandmother.

Some people have got it, some don't.

Anyway, I'm very busy, so please go away.

No wonder you showed up
every time I tried to case the place.

Don't speak to me when I think about
how I swallowed all that smooth talk.

You called me a commoner.

What are you doing?

Answer me!

What's going on down there?

It's all right.
It's an independent operator.

But she's leaving now.

Who says I'm leaving?

Do you think I invested in the
compressed air harpoon rifle for fun?

Money doesn't mean anything to you.

Please, I am trying to concentrate.

Roger Hanson III.

You!

You're honest, is that
because you feel the way I do?

But we must not be dishonest.

No wonder you got to me.

Those vibrations weren't royal.

They were crooked.

No wonder you broke my heart.

It was beautiful.

But you've got to get out of here.

This is a very dangerous heist.

I was about to say the same thing to you.

Hey, don't... don't do that.

Believe me, you'll blow it.

There's enough here for both of us.

You don't understand.

I've got partners.

Well, I'm willing to cut them in.

I'm not bargaining.

There's a man up there with a gun.

I know.
I'll look up and you grab my grapple.

I don't want to grab anything.

Oh, you changed.

Look, your way won't work.

My way is the only way.

Hold it.

Oh, magnets, how clever.

They don't work on jewelry.

They work on the corners of
the blue velvet ground cloth.

Okay, if you want to race,
I got you beaten by a mile.

I'm not racing, your highness,
Princess, whatever your name is.

Don't.

Don't you know about the secondary alarm?

Oh, you're full of them, aren't you?

The floor plate is a weight
scale balanced to one carat.

If you lift that, I'm dead.

Oh, you're so convincing,
your voice even trembles.

The man with the gun
has it aimed at my head.

It's the... don't you believe me?

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Anton.

What are you doing?

If someone else sets off the alarm,
not me, another party, does it count?

Yes.

Now get on with it
before I shoot you anyway.

He says if you pick that up, he's
going to shoot me in the head.

I still don't believe you.

Well, maybe you'll believe this.

Well, Hunza, I'm ready
to lift out the jewels.

Lower the counterweight.

Counterweight to final Mark.

It's measured in Troy carats.

To balance with the jewels in the case.

Do you think we'd go to that kind
of trouble if there wasn't an alarm

underneath there?

What am I supposed to do, stand
here while you win the grab bag?

Observe carefully.

You might learn something
for your next shot at the big time.

Good luck.

Yeah.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Connect the strings.

Lower the counterweight.

Make the exchange nice and easy.

Lift out the jewels.

Good night, my darling.

Oh, no you don't.

We've got a major hang up.

Stop fooling around.

I'm warning you.

Don't let go.

You'll break your neck.

Hang on.

I can't reach the wires.

You'll have to take me up with you.

Come back.

It's... it's starting to tear.

Raise it.

Raise what?

Cable one to Mark three, cable
two to Mark one, please clarify.

Get her off of there.

Lower her down.

But cable one on winch one is at
Mark three, cable two on winch two is

between first and final.

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

It's only a king's ransom.

I don't look good in diamonds anyway.

Halt.

It's all right.

I am Princess Astrid
d'Artois and this is my escort.

Your Highness, there's been a robbery.

Did you see anybody?

As a matter of fact, we did notice a
suspicious character over in the park.

It could be a getaway
truck with one of them in it.

Merci, monsieur.

What's going on?

A terrible robbery.

Somebody trying to steal the crown jewels.

Yeah, nobody's safe these days.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This wipes out my entire investment.

The cost for a new wardrobe
and the royal suite, I'm ruined.

It's a crime.

But don't worry, there's
always opportunity

for a fine
professional like you.

Thank you.

I hope we work together again very soon.

I've been thinking about
taking you on a partner.

Roger?

Rog.

Hi, Rog.

I heard the alarm.

What's going on?

Oh, uh, someone tried
to knock over the casino.

They failed.

This is, uh-- Fred
Jackson in the oil business.

This is Princess Estrelle de Troyes.

The pleasure's all mine, your highness.

I believe we have an appointment, Roger.

You wouldn't.

Time to go.

It's been delightful, monsieur Hanson.

I meant what I said.

I hope we meet again soon.

Monsieur Jackson.

Fred Jackson.

Rich oil man.

She's got your wallet.

[music]

[music].