Into the Dark (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - I'm Just F*cking With you - full transcript
I'm just fucking with you.
♪ Actually bought a hatchet ♪
♪ I don't sleep with a ratchet ♪
♪ I move drugs in batches ♪
♪ Hopped off that like hatchet ♪
♪ The bitch snatched it ♪
♪ Met her sister, smashed it ♪
♪ Fucked her once then dashed it ♪
♪ I'll take that machete to a mosh pit ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck ♪
♪ I don't give a damn ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck about
you pussy motherfuckers ♪
♪ I'm gonna hit you with
a stick like that ♪
Hey.
Larry, you coming or what?
I already made the reservation.
Well, I reserve the right
to tell you to cancel it.
Stop.
Mom and Dad are here at the hotel.
Everyone knows how hard this is for you,
but we just want to see you.
Look, you're the only
one that I want to see.
Holy fucking shit.
Get on Cindy's Twitter feed now.
Oh my God.
Some genius just totally flamed her.
Who the hell is ProgrammingFlaw, anyway?
What?
Someone needs to give that guy a medal.
Wow.
Okay, so, you're coming, right?
I just... I just don't want to.
Well, then I'll come to you then.
Let me guess: You're staying in some
flamboyantly vile place, right?
Tell me. Come on, tell me.
Ugh, fine.
I'm staying at the...
Pink Motel and Lounge.
Ooh, sounds so very.
I'll leave here in a minute.
Ciao, Lar-Bear.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, man, I had you going there.
Yeah, man.
You got me good, that was good.
You got a problem?
What? No.
Hmm.
Yeah, you do.
X-Y-Z.
I can't believe you.
I'm just fucking with you!
April Fools, big boy!
That was a good one.
Let's try that again.
How can I help you?
I'm just looking to check in.
- Are you the owner?
- Nope.
I'm Chester.
Uh, Larry.
Oh, hey, I'm Gerald.
You can call me Gerry,
Larry, pleasure's all mine.
Yeah, um...
So can I just check in with you, or?
Yeah, I'm pulling double duty tonight.
It's off-season,
so the owners are cutting costs.
Can't stay mad at them.
They're real sweet old-timers.
Huh, I hear you.
Well, I've had kind of a long drive, so
just love to get to bed.
Oh yeah, of course.
Room's 75 bucks.
No tax if you've got it in cash.
Great, great, yeah.
It's an insult
to leave a beverage a man's given you.
- Gerald... sorry.
- Here you go.
It's common courtesies.
I mean, I can have... uh, sure.
Attaboy, attaboy.
Thanks.
Okay, what are we drinking to?
To the beautiful sound of laughter.
- Okay.
- Amen, to the beautiful
sound of laughter, God bless you!
Mm.
Woo!
Now.
Mm.
Chester, it has been great
getting to know you.
Larry, nice.
I know.
I'll wipe that up.
Huh. Nice guy, huh?
Aw, he's a teddy bear.
Great sense of humor.
Oh, really?
So what are you in for?
Oh, just this family
wedding thing, it's...
Oh. Those are the worst.
Maybe you'll get your bone buried.
Oh, yeah.
What's going on with you, man?
Sit down, come on.
Vent to Chester, sit down.
Uh, um... no, it's, it's...
I don't know, it should
be fine, actually.
Wah, wah! Wrong answer.
No, I mean, it's just...
there's a lot of people I
haven't seen in a while,
so that's...
There's more to it than that.
Okay, okay, um...
I don't know, I hate dancing,
first of all.
The food's always a letdown.
The food, really? Come on.
All right. I had to shell out 75 bucks
for cookie sheets because they were
the last thing on the registry.
Aw, cookie sheets!
Like Miss Piggy's ever gonna bake
her own cookies, right?
That's, I mean... I'll
tell you what, though.
I hope that she likes
those cookie sheets,
because, honestly, they're gonna last
a lot longer than her marriage.
That sounds like a girl
that you wouldn't marry.
Nah, marriage is just not my thing.
To lone wolves forever.
Yeah!
Yeah.
So I really am just really tuckered out,
- so could I get the key?
- No sweat.
All I need is your credit card
and we'll sign you right in.
I already gave you the
75 bucks for the room.
Oh, I get it.
Tit-for-tat, right?
No, I'm just gonna need that credit card.
Are you serious?
Afraid so, man, I
mean, I ain't operating
a halfway house here.
No, I'm not saying that,
it's just that when I first came in,
you remember, like, a minute ago,
you said if I give you cash,
then you wouldn't charge tax?
And then, I took out the cash
and I handed you the cash.
I mean, that guy, that biker guy, he...
First of all, his name is Gerald,
and second, I never check in anyone
without proper paperwork for this reason.
I understand that, but this is crazy.
I mean, what are you trying to pull here?
Look, man.
You came in here, we had some drinks,
we had some laughs,
and if you want a room, that's great.
I'll just need a photo
ID and a credit card.
All right, well, empty
your pockets, then.
Excuse me?
You empty your pockets
and you'll see my money in there.
You put the money... this is ridiculous.
I mean, do I have to call the cops?
Go ahead, call the cops.
And while you're at it,
I got another idea.
Put out your goddamned hand,
because I got your room key right here.
Oh, man, you should have seen yourself.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
- Oh, okay.
- You should have
seen yourself, "This is ridiculous!"
Do I have to call the cops?"
- No, you know...
- Sorry, man.
You want me to call the bellman?
No.
Good, because we don't have one.
Okay.
Oh.
Take me, big boy.
Here's our viewer video of the week,
straight from Marshall.
That's right, Chuck, it
is still chaos out here
on South Citrus at that multi-car pileup
that has caused gridlock
in both directions.
Details are still trickling in,
but witnesses report
seeing the pickup truck
swerving erratically before veering into
oncoming traffic, causing
this chain reaction
which left one young woman dead
and several people in critical condition,
including an infant.
The driver, who witnesses say
was visibly intoxicated,
then fled the scene.
Sheriffs found the suspect's vehicle,
a late-model white pickup,
a few blocks away from the
scene of the accident,
where it appears as if the sus...
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
Hi, you've reached Rachel.
I'm away from the phone right now,
but I'll call you back
if you leave a message.
Where the fuck are you?
Hello, Pink Motel and Lounge.
Hi, uh, Chester?
The one and only.
Oh, um, hey, this is Larry in Room 6.
Yeah, Larry, I know who you are.
Yeah, I was just wondering
if anyone checked in
since I got here.
My sister is supposed to come meet me,
and, I don't know, she's pretty late.
I don't know if she came in
or called, or anything.
Oh, well, uh...
no one's come in but let
me check the messages.
- Maybe I missed a call.
- Great, thanks.
Hey, Larry, I got some bad news.
Yeah?
It's about your sister.
There was a message.
I hate to be the one
to tell you this, man.
She's not coming, Larry.
She found a big cock to suck on,
then she died and went to heaven.
What the fuck?
Come on, man, it doesn't even make sense
that someone would call me
if something happened to her.
Jesus, Chester.
Just call if you need anything.
Unbelievable.
Let old Gerry help you out, buddy.
Thank you.
Did you just touch me, peckerwood?
No, no, I didn't, sir.
Yeah, you did, didn't you,
little man?
You know what this says?
No, sir.
Lone wolf!
Do you know what it represents?
- No.
- It represents my armor.
And you don't touch a
road warrior's armor
unless you're ready to fight
or fuck.
You ready to fight?
Uh, no.
- Hm.
- Oh, no.
Oh. Well, cool.
Um... hm.
You just narrowly avoided
an ass pounding, dude.
Room 7 if you feel lucky.
I'm just gonna need that credit card.
"Do I have to call the cops?"
Big cock to suck on.
Lone wolf!
Ha, ha, ha!
Very funny, Chester.
Rachel...
Hey, yeah, I'll be right there.
Hello?
No, I'm okay, just
come back later, please.
No, I'm in the shower,
can you come back?
Larry, you okay in there?
Chester?
Yeah, man, of course it's me.
Not all cleaning people speak Spanish.
That's kind of a racist assumption.
Listen, man, I was hoping to get to you
before you used the bathroom.
It's got a tricky door
that's been giving guests
some problems, I meant
to tell you this before
but we were having such a good time.
Just stop joking around, man.
What? No, come on, man,
I like to joke around
but I wouldn't mess with you like this.
Just say that my sister is, like,
sucking a big dick or whatever
and just let me out, man.
Larry, I swear I could lose my job
over something like this, man.
Sherrie and Johnny made it very clear
that I had to tell guests
in Room 6 about this door.
You got to help me out, man.
Just let me out and then I
won't say anything, okay?
All right. Geez, you're a good man.
Okay, I think... I'm gonna need you
to put a lot of pressure on the door.
What?
That is the oldest trick
in the book, man,
I'm not gonna fall...
Okay, I understand why you think that,
but I'm not fucking with you, Larry.
Are you putting pressure?
Yes, I'm doing it.
Okay, good, now you're gonna
need a lot of leverage,
okay, man?
You've got to really do it,
put all your weight against it.
- I'm doing it!
- All right, just do it
at the same time, you ready, on three.
One...
Oh, man, we did it, buddy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Okay, okay, I see you're not laughing.
But look at it from my perspective.
I mean, yes, I was holding the door shut.
Bad on me.
But honestly, I never
thought you'd fall for it.
And once we were in the middle of it,
how could I stop?
Come on, man, it was just a joke.
It's me, Chester.
You are pathetic.
Do you know that?
Nobody likes people like you, you just...
you never get the hint.
You just push and you push
and you push and you push.
Well, let me tell you something.
Nobody thinks that you're funny!
Just...
You don't think I'm funny, huh?
Well, what do you think is funny, then?
Come on, tell me a joke.
Chester, we're both tired,
it's been a long day, so can...
Tell me a joke.
Come on.
What do you call a man
with no body and no nose?
What?
Nobody knows.
That's a great one, Larry.
I knew you had it in you, Larry.
That was great, man.
- Okay.
- All right.
Have a good night, man.
Hey, Rachel, uh,
I don't know where you are,
but I've got to leave this motel,
it's just weird here,
and I don't know why you're
not getting my messages,
but if you just want to call me back,
maybe I'll just wait in my car
down the road and see
if you come by or...
It's just so stupid.
Just please, please, I hope you
get these messages, and...
I'm kind of concerned you
were in a car crash.
I hope not.
Aww, shit.
I really let things get
out of control earlier.
I don't know what came over me.
You're probably a good
sport, but you know,
you give a moose a cookie
and he asks for milk.
I was asking for milk.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, I can't stop you from leaving, but
if you have to,
please accept my apology
and part as my friend.
Okay, then.
If Rachel shows up,
I'll tell her you had to leave.
Enjoy the wedding.
How did he know her name?
How did he know her name?
911, what's your emergency?
Hi.
I'm at the Pink Motel and Lounge,
and there's the owner
or a guy who's... who's looking after...
I need you to send someone out...
♪ Honey bee ♪
♪ Guess there's nothing else to know ♪
♪ Except I love you so ♪
You know, so I'm in my car.
I had to check out because,
I mean, he's been messing
with me all night.
But he had said "Rachel,"
which is my sister,
and there's no way that he knows what...
that's him.
That's... that's him.
Sir, can I talk to you for a minute?
Found out about my
kiddie porn, huh, sheriff?
Aw, just kidding.
They're all legal, barely.
Don't even joke about that, sir.
How'd you know her name, Chester?
What are you talking about?
Rachel.
I never told you her name,
so if she hasn't been here,
then how do you know it?
Because you told me her name, you dope.
I mean, did you seriously
call the cops because
you forgot you told me
your sister's name?
I...
All right. I'll handle this, sir.
Where's Johnny and Sherrie?
I'm just covering for them.
Step into my office.
All right.
Let's just calm down here.
I want you over there.
You, other room.
You and me gonna talk, sir.
So what can I do?
I mean, I'm just keeping the place open,
I can't be in charge of the crazies.
Right, well, listen, it's
a full moon out here
so you're not the only one
with crazy people tonight.
Sir... sir!
Please step away from there,
that's private property.
Yeah, man, that stuff's confidential.
- No... look.
- I think.
This. You see?
That's her name right there.
That's her name, she's checked in.
Where is she, Chester,
what'd you do with her?
Is something wrong, Larry?
- Huh, you see?
- Just relax and just...
wait, why you making a fist here, Larry?
Oh! Oh, man! Ow, God!
What did you do?
I didn't touch him!
Sir, you all right?
I didn't do anything!
Sir, are you all right?
I didn't see that coming.
Sir, are you okay? What happened?
Larry. He hit me.
Did you seriously just punch him?
- Where the fuck is...
- Not again.
Sir, I'm gonna have to take you in.
Larry?
Rachel?
Larry! What the...
Ma'am, stay there.
He's coming with me.
Officer, let him go.
It's my fault.
This man just assaulted you.
Oh, I... I pushed him too far,
I've been winding him up all night.
Quite frankly, I've been a dick and
I deserve a lot worse than
getting sucker-punched.
So you're not gonna press charges?
If anyone's guilty of
anything here, it's me,
of bad taste and shenanigans.
You gonna behave, son, hm?
Yes.
Thank God he's okay.
Now, I don't know what's
going on with you two,
but if I got to come back here tonight,
I'm taking you both in.
- Ma'am.
- Uh, goodnight.
Is he giving you a hard time?
Yeah, he's been playing
these jokes on me all night.
Larry, that was great, that was great.
What the hell was that about, huh?
Well, Larry was really
worried about you,
and then he freaked out
and called the sheriff,
and then I pulled this
great April Fools prank
and got him to leave.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You called the sheriff on him?
Yes, I thought that he
did something to you.
What do you mean, did something to me?
- I'm right here, okay?
- Okay, well,
he knew your name, I
didn't know that he...
it's just...
Well, Larry, it's an
online reservation.
You know, I had to put my
name down to book the room.
It prints out by itself.
I guess I should do a better job
of keeping an eye on that, huh?
Humph. Hey, relax.
This is...
Hey, relax.
Uh...
Look at me.
- What took you so long?
- Oh, God, there was
a big accident, I got
stuck on the freeway
and I tried to do a detour.
Got really lost, and
then I tried to text you
and it wouldn't send through.
We're gonna forget this whole thing
ever happened, you hear me?
And you're gonna get some sleep.
Recharge and enjoy the room on me,
even though you sucker-punched me.
I didn't.
You don't have to shake my hand,
we're way beyond handshakes, buddy.
And you could have a room for free too,
just for being so beautiful.
Wow, okay, I don't really
know what's happening,
but I like it.
- I'm gonna go to my room.
- Uh, wait, um.
It was really upsetting
meeting you at first,
but you seem lovely now.
A common refrain.
I wonder if this is actually him.
No, it's sexual
harassment is what it is.
Eh...
Ha ha.
I just don't think that he's funny.
Well, he could say the same thing about
you calling the cops on him, you know?
No, look, I mean, I kind of apologized.
Okay, maybe he's not as bad as I thought.
- Hm.
- This wedding's really just
messing with my head, you know?
I know. Here.
It's gonna be all right, okay?
And you should give Cindy this.
- Take it.
- Should we invite him
- to the wedding?
- Ohh...
- The Three Amigos?
- Ugh!
Go away!
"Hey, Cindy."
This is my giant cocked friend Chester.
"You cousin-fucking bitch."
Go! Go get it!
It's Chester.
Well, open it.
- No, shut off the lights!
- He'll see, dude!
Maybe he'll get the hint.
We're coming!
Sorry for interrupting,
just dropping off
a couple drinks.
Thought you might need them
after the night you've had.
On the house.
Have a good night.
Say thank you, he's going.
Um, hey, hey, Chester?
Thanks, man, this is... it's really nice.
And... listen,
I'm sorry again about...
Calling the cops?
Punching me in the face?
Don't worry about it.
Okay. Uh...
Hey, why don't we join you for a drink?
Nah, it's late.
Come on, dude, just one drink.
All right, one drink!
Just one, though, not two.
Maybe nine.
I'm just fucking with you.
We could have 12 if you want,
I'm all set up.
All right.
You want to meet there?
- Aw, so you had to leave him.
- Yeah.
Hercules had to stay with our mom.
It wasn't very zen out there.
I was basically the least
zen person in Tibet.
I've never been much for meditation.
I had an ex try to steal my mind once,
so I had to steal her body.
It was a joke.
Come on, guys, lighten up!
I just watched her dog last week.
She's a big bitch.
Dog was fat, too.
So are you ever serious, or...
Oh boy, the doctor's in.
Let me just lay on the couch.
I'll take two hand jobs and
call you in the morning.
The structure of that joke
doesn't even make sense.
Like, if I'm the doctor,
I should be the one
prescribing the hand jobs.
Now we're getting somewhere.
So what's this guy's deal, Rach?
Has he always been, you know, uptight?
Oh, you should have seen
him when he was a kid.
He was the funniest, happiest little guy.
Couldn't go two minutes without laughing.
And everyone adored him.
So what happened to him?
Well, that Larry is still there,
it's just that I'm the only one
that gets to see it sometimes.
Or maybe he's just an asshole.
Maybe.
Uh... oh!
Whoa! He got it.
Okay, you two.
I wish I had that kind of
closeness with somebody.
So what is your story, Chester?
No story.
I'm just a good-time guy.
A few drinks, a few laughs.
I'm a maker of cocktails
and a purveyor of jokes.
To be honest, I'm not fucked up at all.
To new friends.
♪ We'll be holding hands
until the end of time ♪
This is a very special batch.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I can't do another one.
No, no, no, no!
So what's the real story
with this wedding, man?
Uh... like, how do you mean?
You got a real heaviness about you.
Your aura is all fumbled.
Feel like you're dying
to let something out.
Level with me.
It's just... it's just this girl.
What's her name?
Cindy Hughes.
She's the only girl I
ever wanted to marry.
But she dumped me
the day before I was gonna propose.
And now, she's getting married tomorrow.
Who's she marrying?
Pfft, you're never gonna believe this.
My first cousin.
You know, I keep wondering,
like, what's more humiliating:
To go and know that everyone knows
or to not go,
knowing that everyone there is gonna be
secretly laughing at me?
What you need to do
is have the last laugh.
That's the end game, man.
That's how the loser... wins.
You know,
actually I was thinking
about doing something.
After Cindy dumped me,
I wrote the letter to end all letters.
Just never had the guts
to give it to her,
but tomorrow,
tomorrow I will.
Right before she says, "I do."
Can I see it?
Mm-mm.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
We're having a moment here, Larry.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
You're never gonna see me again.
I'll tell you if I think you...
captured the right energy.
I've never let anyone read it.
Not even Rachel.
"Dear Cindy, words are
really not my thing.
Cindy, I love you, I've
never loved anyone..."
Ah, I love you, Lar.
That's fucking beautiful, man.
It's gonna crucify her.
What time is it?
Uh, I don't know, it's late.
Well, uh, bedtime for Bonzo.
Yeah, I should probably be
getting back to the desk.
Who knows how many customers I've missed.
All right, good night.
Oh, wait one sec.
I need to get a picture of
you, can you come here?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I look like a scrub muffin.
Shut up, you look amazing.
Smile, babies.
Okay, all right.
Good night.
That's a great picture of me.
But... just...
Good night, Lar-Bear.
I love you, Larry.
What... the fuck?!
What the hell, come on, no!
Jesus!
Who would do this to you?
Who would do this to you?
- Who is... oh, ah.
- Jesus.
- Oh, no, Betty!
- Who is this guy?
- He's just this biker guy.
- Betty, no!
It looks like Chester
went too far this time.
Who would... who would do this to you?
Not... not Betty!
You goddamn son of a bitch!
Is there a problem, Gerald?
I swear to fucking Christ,
I'm gonna tear someone's
fucking head off.
Oh, someone put a crotch
on your crotch rocket.
Did you do this?
You think this is funny?
Oh, at least you won't mix
it up with anyone else.
Jesus.
- Not funny, man.
- Guys.
- Fuck you!
- Guys, guys, stop it.
Who would do this?
Can we just talk about this?
You want some of this, little man?
I'm gonna cut you up, man.
What's he doing?
Chester.
I... was... just...
fucking... with... you!
Oh man, oh man, oh man.
Gerald, are you okay?
Gerald, things got carried away, man.
Are you okay, man?
Are you okay?
You okay?
You okay, man?
Please, Chester, please.
You need to learn to take a joke.
Chester.
You okay, Gerald?
Are you okay?
You guys, I don't think he's all right.
Gerald, Gerald!
What happened?
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, fuck, no.
He had a knife.
You saw, right?
He was gonna kill me.
Gerald!
He's dead.
I killed him.
Holy fuck, I fucking killed someone.
We have to call the police.
No.
Everything's gonna be all right.
No, it won't.
I'll take care of it.
What are you...
what... what are you doing?
I'll call.
Once I make this phone call,
it's gonna change my life.
Larry, can I ask you to
do something for me?
O-okay.
Will you go get me some vodka?
Some vodka?
Okay, okay.
One last drink before the long walk.
All right, okay.
Hello, Sheriff's Department?
There's been a tragedy at the Pink Motel.
My friend is dead.
It was an accident.
Holy shit, I can't believe
what the hell is happening right now.
We have to call the cops.
- Huh?
- Now.
He said that he was
calling them already.
You think he really made that call?
I don't know. I don't know.
- Give me your phone.
- Huh?
- Give me your phone.
- Right.
God, come on.
- Call, call, call, call, call.
- I am, I am.
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Hello, hi, uh, yeah,
I'm calling from the
Pink Motel and Lounge.
- I wanted to report...
- Um, yes,
the sheriff's already on his way.
Are you currently in danger?
No, not this second, no, but, um, uh,
can you just make sure
that he... he's quick?
Yes, I'll let him know.
Okay, thank you.
I guess you were right,
he, uh, he made the call.
What are you doing?
I'm... I'm... I'm getting
him that... that vodka.
What?
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Looks like it's Johnny and Sherrie.
Now I know you're probably thinking
this elderly couple was
horrendously murdered
in the motel that they owned and operate.
And you're right, they were.
But not by me.
Turns out Johnny here was
a world-class pervert.
I like to watch 'em fuck.
He had hidden cameras
installed in every room.
Dumb fucks don't know I'm watching.
And he was getting
away with it for years
until good old Chester came along
and realized that something was
rotten in the state of Denmark.
I figured it out!
So I confronted him about it!
You're a bad man, John!
And when I did, Sherrie
felt the years of betrayal
of not knowing that her
husband was a pervert
and she took out a knife.
I'm gonna kill you!
And she started stabbing Johnny.
Not if I kill you first, bitch!
And he started strangling her.
And there they were, both of them,
intertwined in this... embrace of death.
Killing each other.
It was the most honest
expression of marriage
I've ever seen in my life.
But you got to believe I didn't
have anything to do with it.
Do you believe me?
Yeah, I believe you, Chester.
Let's get you that drink, huh?
I knew there was a
reason I liked this girl.
Shots all around.
Well, you're not gonna make
me drink this by myself.
Hmm?
I was right.
What was it that Gerald said?
It's rude to leave a drink that...
someone poured for you.
Oh, by the way, you never
told me your sister's name.
I looked on your Facebook page.
Run!
Fuck, my keys are in the room.
Mine too.
My room, my room.
Over here.
Oh my God.
Fuck, where the fuck are they?
How am I supposed to know?
- Fuck.
- No!
Oh, shit.
Oh my God, oh my God!
No, no, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
What?
He's still there.
Oh, God.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Oh, God.
We have to warn the sheriff.
Fuck that, that sheriff hates me.
Sheriff, you have to help us!
Don't move.
What? No.
No, no, no, it's just us
from before, remember?
The two of you on the ground now.
You... you don't understand.
He is crazy.
All right, you've got
to the count of three.
One.
Two.
- Okay.
- Three.
Thank you for coming, Sheriff.
My God, sir, are you all right?
What happened?
She hit me in the head with a bottle.
Did you hit him in the
head with a bottle?
Yes.
But... he killed those
people in the diner,
and... and he killed a
guy, the body's just...
God damn it.
Oh, God.
I knew it was a bad idea
not to take you in earlier.
Face down.
Right now, on the ground, now!
Officer, it wasn't us.
I'm taking you in for aiding
and abetting an idiot.
Hey, hey, don't do it,
don't do it, don't do it!
Larry!
Larry!
Stop it, stop!
Please stop!
What are you laughing at?
I'm just fuckin' with you.
That was priceless.
What are you talking about?
I mean, it took a lot of work
to set this up.
I told you, he's a psycho!
Hey, shut up.
You're gonna get your chance, all right?
Sheriff, are you okay?
Are you okay, Sheriff?
Are you okay, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Sheriff, Sheriff, I'll help you.
You're okay, man.
Sheriff, are you okay?
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's all right, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
Well, I never killed
anyone like that before.
Larry, you got to see this...
Get up, Larry.
What the fuck are you doing?
- My bad.
- Larry, Larry, get up!
- Larry, get up.
- Well, Larry, I'm sorry.
This trigger's loose, man.
Leave him alone!
Stop it, stop it!
No, you stop it!
Leave him alone.
Larry, can I help you
to the car, man?
Here, I'll open the door for you.
Larry.
No! Stop!
Now you.
Oh, God, please.
Bang!
Please.
No.
The surgery was a success.
Get the fuck away from me!
Get away!
Rachel, where you going?
I'm just trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
You need your keys.
I'm trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
Oh, God.
Larry, are you okay?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, my God.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Are you okay?
Hey, hey.
Drive safe.
Fuck you, Chester!
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh God.
He's a fucking serial killer.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is that noise?
What's happening?
Come on!
Oh, come on!
What the fuck.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, come on!
Okay, okay.
Larry, get out.
Come on, come on.
- I got you.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe it fucking worked.
Come on, Larry.
Oh, get up, Larry, get up!
I'm on fire.
Oh, God, Larry!
Go.
I'm sorry.
Hey, guys, wait up!
Go, go, go.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck are you giving him?!
Laughing gas, of course.
No, no, no, no, no, don't, no, no, no!
Don't you fucking move!
No!
No! No, no.
One, two, three.
Four.
You fucking...
- Five.
- Monster!
One more is six.
Get off me!
Get off me! ♪ Hush, little
baby, don't say a word ♪
♪ Chester's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪
You should know by now, Rachel.
I was just fucking with you.
Am I dead?
♪ We get it almost every night ♪
♪ When that moon gets big and bright ♪
♪ It's supernatural delight ♪
♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪
My friends,
our guest of honor is awake.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Adams!
Larry, if you fall in,
you're gonna drown.
You can't move your arms yet.
It's too soon.
Just relax, my man.
I won't be able to save you.
I can't swim!
Who are you?
I am Judgment.
I am Wrath.
And you, Larry Adams,
have been judgmented.
- That's not a word.
- How do you know, Larry?
Do you have a thesaurus on that raft?
I don't feel well.
God help me.
God is helping you, Larry.
He loves you!
This is the way He wants you to be.
Welcome to my Hawaiian luau, Larry.
You are my guest of honor.
Here's your golden lei.
Oh, God.
Listen, Larry.
I'm not gonna lie to ya,
I gave you a mega dose of ayahuasca...
and some other things.
You're gonna be feeling a little woozy.
You okay, man?
Who am I?
That's why we're all
gathered here tonight,
to find out who you really are.
You're in a very safe space, man.
I'm a trained shaman.
Where's Rachel?
Oh, Rachel's fine, man.
She's just changing
into her bathing suit.
Perhaps we can go check on her.
Let's put the ceremony on pause.
Listen, Lar-Bear,
there's one more thing
I need for you to do.
It's very important for your transition.
Okay, what is it?
You kinda fucked things
up for me tonight,
if I'm being honest.
I had a fun evening planned,
and then you came along.
You're the rarest of things.
What do you mean?
Understand this:
You're a man completely
devoid of a sense of humor.
You're a dour curmudgeon
with a scorpion sting.
You're the April Fool.
I am.
I know I am.
I want you to tell me,
in all your newfound, drug-addled glory,
who you really are.
Tell me who Larry Adams is.
Not the bullshit duality
that you hide behind,
not the mask you present to the world,
but the real you.
The real you.
Okay.
Good boy.
What do you think?
On the bed?
I don't know.
Yeah, on the bed.
Sorry, I'm not much of a camera guy.
Okay.
Okay, I'm ready, I think.
So, let the truth surge through you.
Tell us both who you really... are.
And action.
I'm a troll.
I...
Literally, I'm a troll.
I mean, on the outside, I'm...
I'm nice, I'm... meek,
I'm affable,
but on the inside,
my heart is full of bitterness.
I've never fit in.
I'm on the other side of the glass,
always looking in.
This is fantastic, man.
Let it out.
Continue.
You know, when I was young,
I just... I never had the
ability to talk to other kids.
I never knew what to say.
It's like I'm a prisoner in my own head,
and it makes me hate people.
So...
I created ProgrammingFlaw.
He could do all the things
that I never could.
I could be free.
He can destroy people with
a single push of a button.
Sounds like a hell of a guy!
Oh, he is.
He's formidable.
He's everything that I'm not,
and he's the only one
who ever had my back,
Rachel aside.
Thank God you have her.
Deep down in my soul,
I know who I am.
So who are you?
I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
Scene.
Lay it on me, man.
We're beyond handshakes.
You fully embrace the
real powerful you.
I'm proud of you, Flaw.
You did it!
Hey, can I see Rachel now?
Here's the deal.
For every action,
there's an equal and opposite reaction.
Newton's third law of motion.
Rachel would call it karma,
Larry would call it payback,
I'll just call it fucking funny, man.
Rachel, come on out!
She's just in there.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
Rachel!
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
No!
You said she was okay.
You promised me.
The transition wouldn't have
worked otherwise, PFlaw.
You wouldn't have learned anything.
Why?
Why not?
You want to know what's
even funnier than this?
I just posted your pathetic confession
and sappy letter to Cindy
on the wedding forum.
Comment highlights:
"Pathetic note, bitch."
Of course she'd never marry you.
Get a life, freak.
"What's wrong with you?"
"You're just really pathetic."
Oh, here's a good one.
It just says, "Die."
And here's one from Cindy herself.
Ready?
"You are a monster..."
a monster.
I never even liked you.
"You're pathetic."
Wow!
She really hates you, Lar-Bear.
What?
Do you know what?
I was wrong about you.
Oh my God, you are funny.
I mean, I...
I mean, I... I see it,
man, I get it all now.
All of this was genius.
I mean, you're like Mozart, man.
You're like the Mozart of comedy.
I've been waiting all
night for you to say that.
You're hilarious.
I mean, you're a funny fucker.
I mean, those guys,
Gerald and the Sheriff,
what is wrong with them?
They should've been laughing too, man.
Oh my God, that dead couple?
I mean, they just flat-out deserved it.
Oh, wait, are you filming this right now?
Oh, we serial killers
like to keep souvenirs.
PFlaw, you're a breath of fresh air
in a slaughterhouse.
Ahh.
But all good things must come to an end.
Any last requests?
Well...
I don't want to die here.
I mean, I don't want to live anymore.
I don't want to die here.
Let's go to the wedding.
Huh?
All three of us.
I mean, there's... there's a hill
overlooking the festivities.
I mean, imagine the look
on their dumb-ass faces
when we rock up.
I mean, just me and Rachel, dead,
just tumbling down a hill towards them.
Now that...
That would be fucking hilarious.
Are you just fucking with me?
You tell me.
Where you going?
Let's take Rachel's car.
I'll drive.
You want to drive?
Oh, come on, Chester.
Rachel would never let you drive her car.
Rachel! Rachel!
Would you let Chester drive your car?
Rachel says, "No fucking way."
Come on, Chester.
Your aura seems a little jumbled.
Look, man, I just wanted to say,
thank you for everything.
Keys.
Let's roll.
I'll fuck anything that moves!
Or doesn't move.
Sorry, Rachel.
RAPPER: ♪ Get your face wrapped up ♪
♪ Smacked up, we hold it down ♪
♪ Drag you in the gym and I
plan to cut that ass down ♪
♪ Metal shards, my blade
slicing your windpipe ♪
♪ Strobe lights flashing,
fury's blinding my eyesight ♪
Rachel, do you have to pee?
Chester, can I tell you a joke?
Absolutely, man.
So there's these two idiots,
and they're driving down the road.
And?
Okay, and they're
called Larry and Chester.
And Larry's sister is
sittin' in the back,
woop, not sayin' a word.
I like it already.
Rachel, be quiet for the punchline, okay?
And then Larry says to Chester,
"If you could be anything
in the world right now,
what would you be?"
And... and Chester replies,
"Well, I don't know, what would I be?"
I don't know, what would I be?
"Well," says Larry,
"you'd be Rachel's dog."
Rachel's dog?
Yeah, that's right.
Chester would be Rachel's dog, Hercules.
Now Chester says,
"W-why would I be Hercules?"
W-why would I be Hercules?
"Well," says Larry,
"Rachel just loved Hercules so much"
that she had him ride up front with her
"in the passenger seat."
In fact, just right there
in your seat right there.
Oh, you're so thoughtful, Rachel.
I mean, it wasn't exactly legal,
but she just loved that dog so much.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
Almost as much as she loved me.
She always wanted to keep him safe.
So, she made an alteration to the car!
What's the punchline, Larry?
What's the punchline?
Oh, Chester.
The punchline is that because of Hercules
Rachel disabled the airbags
on one side of the car,
Chester's side of the car.
Now I'm gonna drive us
into a fucking wall.
You wouldn't, Larry.
You're right.
Larry wouldn't have the balls.
But I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
To the beautiful sound
of laughter.
♪ She loves the way I'm looking
when I come and the paint splatters ♪
♪ She's an open book that I can
read but I'd rather fuck ♪
♪ I don't want to talk no
more, I just want to nut ♪
♪ This is where we both hold
hands to the bitter end ♪
♪ But fuck that, let's walk through hell
to see how this ends ♪
♪ Now I'm staring at myself
in the broken glass ♪
♪ Thinking how I let you slip away,
I'm still wanting that ass ♪
♪ If I get one more time,
I'll let you know ♪
♪ How I want to kill everything
that you try to grow ♪
♪ How I want to fuck every
part of your wretched soul ♪
♪ How I want to break you
inside and make it slow ♪
♪ I ain't got a gun in my
hand, just fucking raw ♪
♪ She ain't got a bullet in the chamber
but she got all sheen ♪
♪ Gotta beg me to come disassemble her ♪
♪ When she wants a man, I'm
the one that convinces her ♪
♪ So take it in your mouth,
baby doll, this is elegance ♪
♪ Watch it as the world
burns in this irrelevance ♪
♪ If we could die together,
free the blood of the excellence ♪
♪ Girl, 'cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood that you spilled ♪
♪ We the bosses, make 'em black ♪
♪ Flooding my intensity and
dive in your hornet's nest ♪
♪ I love you till it burns,
that's the part that can kill us both ♪
♪ To blow apart our particles
and lower this overdose ♪
♪ I'm hellbound, that
or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood that you spilled ♪
I'm just fucking with you.
♪ Actually bought a hatchet ♪
♪ I don't sleep with a ratchet ♪
♪ I move drugs in batches ♪
♪ Hopped off that like hatchet ♪
♪ The bitch snatched it ♪
♪ Met her sister, smashed it ♪
♪ Fucked her once then dashed it ♪
♪ I'll take that machete to a mosh pit ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck ♪
♪ I don't give a damn ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck about
you pussy motherfuckers ♪
♪ I'm gonna hit you with
a stick like that ♪
Hey.
Larry, you coming or what?
I already made the reservation.
Well, I reserve the right
to tell you to cancel it.
Stop.
Mom and Dad are here at the hotel.
Everyone knows how hard this is for you,
but we just want to see you.
Look, you're the only
one that I want to see.
Holy fucking shit.
Get on Cindy's Twitter feed now.
Oh my God.
Some genius just totally flamed her.
Who the hell is ProgrammingFlaw, anyway?
What?
Someone needs to give that guy a medal.
Wow.
Okay, so, you're coming, right?
I just... I just don't want to.
Well, then I'll come to you then.
Let me guess: You're staying in some
flamboyantly vile place, right?
Tell me. Come on, tell me.
Ugh, fine.
I'm staying at the...
Pink Motel and Lounge.
Ooh, sounds so very.
I'll leave here in a minute.
Ciao, Lar-Bear.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, man, I had you going there.
Yeah, man.
You got me good, that was good.
You got a problem?
What? No.
Hmm.
Yeah, you do.
X-Y-Z.
I can't believe you.
I'm just fucking with you!
April Fools, big boy!
That was a good one.
Let's try that again.
How can I help you?
I'm just looking to check in.
- Are you the owner?
- Nope.
I'm Chester.
Uh, Larry.
Oh, hey, I'm Gerald.
You can call me Gerry,
Larry, pleasure's all mine.
Yeah, um...
So can I just check in with you, or?
Yeah, I'm pulling double duty tonight.
It's off-season,
so the owners are cutting costs.
Can't stay mad at them.
They're real sweet old-timers.
Huh, I hear you.
Well, I've had kind of a long drive, so
just love to get to bed.
Oh yeah, of course.
Room's 75 bucks.
No tax if you've got it in cash.
Great, great, yeah.
It's an insult
to leave a beverage a man's given you.
- Gerald... sorry.
- Here you go.
It's common courtesies.
I mean, I can have... uh, sure.
Attaboy, attaboy.
Thanks.
Okay, what are we drinking to?
To the beautiful sound of laughter.
- Okay.
- Amen, to the beautiful
sound of laughter, God bless you!
Mm.
Woo!
Now.
Mm.
Chester, it has been great
getting to know you.
Larry, nice.
I know.
I'll wipe that up.
Huh. Nice guy, huh?
Aw, he's a teddy bear.
Great sense of humor.
Oh, really?
So what are you in for?
Oh, just this family
wedding thing, it's...
Oh. Those are the worst.
Maybe you'll get your bone buried.
Oh, yeah.
What's going on with you, man?
Sit down, come on.
Vent to Chester, sit down.
Uh, um... no, it's, it's...
I don't know, it should
be fine, actually.
Wah, wah! Wrong answer.
No, I mean, it's just...
there's a lot of people I
haven't seen in a while,
so that's...
There's more to it than that.
Okay, okay, um...
I don't know, I hate dancing,
first of all.
The food's always a letdown.
The food, really? Come on.
All right. I had to shell out 75 bucks
for cookie sheets because they were
the last thing on the registry.
Aw, cookie sheets!
Like Miss Piggy's ever gonna bake
her own cookies, right?
That's, I mean... I'll
tell you what, though.
I hope that she likes
those cookie sheets,
because, honestly, they're gonna last
a lot longer than her marriage.
That sounds like a girl
that you wouldn't marry.
Nah, marriage is just not my thing.
To lone wolves forever.
Yeah!
Yeah.
So I really am just really tuckered out,
- so could I get the key?
- No sweat.
All I need is your credit card
and we'll sign you right in.
I already gave you the
75 bucks for the room.
Oh, I get it.
Tit-for-tat, right?
No, I'm just gonna need that credit card.
Are you serious?
Afraid so, man, I
mean, I ain't operating
a halfway house here.
No, I'm not saying that,
it's just that when I first came in,
you remember, like, a minute ago,
you said if I give you cash,
then you wouldn't charge tax?
And then, I took out the cash
and I handed you the cash.
I mean, that guy, that biker guy, he...
First of all, his name is Gerald,
and second, I never check in anyone
without proper paperwork for this reason.
I understand that, but this is crazy.
I mean, what are you trying to pull here?
Look, man.
You came in here, we had some drinks,
we had some laughs,
and if you want a room, that's great.
I'll just need a photo
ID and a credit card.
All right, well, empty
your pockets, then.
Excuse me?
You empty your pockets
and you'll see my money in there.
You put the money... this is ridiculous.
I mean, do I have to call the cops?
Go ahead, call the cops.
And while you're at it,
I got another idea.
Put out your goddamned hand,
because I got your room key right here.
Oh, man, you should have seen yourself.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
- Oh, okay.
- You should have
seen yourself, "This is ridiculous!"
Do I have to call the cops?"
- No, you know...
- Sorry, man.
You want me to call the bellman?
No.
Good, because we don't have one.
Okay.
Oh.
Take me, big boy.
Here's our viewer video of the week,
straight from Marshall.
That's right, Chuck, it
is still chaos out here
on South Citrus at that multi-car pileup
that has caused gridlock
in both directions.
Details are still trickling in,
but witnesses report
seeing the pickup truck
swerving erratically before veering into
oncoming traffic, causing
this chain reaction
which left one young woman dead
and several people in critical condition,
including an infant.
The driver, who witnesses say
was visibly intoxicated,
then fled the scene.
Sheriffs found the suspect's vehicle,
a late-model white pickup,
a few blocks away from the
scene of the accident,
where it appears as if the sus...
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
Hi, you've reached Rachel.
I'm away from the phone right now,
but I'll call you back
if you leave a message.
Where the fuck are you?
Hello, Pink Motel and Lounge.
Hi, uh, Chester?
The one and only.
Oh, um, hey, this is Larry in Room 6.
Yeah, Larry, I know who you are.
Yeah, I was just wondering
if anyone checked in
since I got here.
My sister is supposed to come meet me,
and, I don't know, she's pretty late.
I don't know if she came in
or called, or anything.
Oh, well, uh...
no one's come in but let
me check the messages.
- Maybe I missed a call.
- Great, thanks.
Hey, Larry, I got some bad news.
Yeah?
It's about your sister.
There was a message.
I hate to be the one
to tell you this, man.
She's not coming, Larry.
She found a big cock to suck on,
then she died and went to heaven.
What the fuck?
Come on, man, it doesn't even make sense
that someone would call me
if something happened to her.
Jesus, Chester.
Just call if you need anything.
Unbelievable.
Let old Gerry help you out, buddy.
Thank you.
Did you just touch me, peckerwood?
No, no, I didn't, sir.
Yeah, you did, didn't you,
little man?
You know what this says?
No, sir.
Lone wolf!
Do you know what it represents?
- No.
- It represents my armor.
And you don't touch a
road warrior's armor
unless you're ready to fight
or fuck.
You ready to fight?
Uh, no.
- Hm.
- Oh, no.
Oh. Well, cool.
Um... hm.
You just narrowly avoided
an ass pounding, dude.
Room 7 if you feel lucky.
I'm just gonna need that credit card.
"Do I have to call the cops?"
Big cock to suck on.
Lone wolf!
Ha, ha, ha!
Very funny, Chester.
Rachel...
Hey, yeah, I'll be right there.
Hello?
No, I'm okay, just
come back later, please.
No, I'm in the shower,
can you come back?
Larry, you okay in there?
Chester?
Yeah, man, of course it's me.
Not all cleaning people speak Spanish.
That's kind of a racist assumption.
Listen, man, I was hoping to get to you
before you used the bathroom.
It's got a tricky door
that's been giving guests
some problems, I meant
to tell you this before
but we were having such a good time.
Just stop joking around, man.
What? No, come on, man,
I like to joke around
but I wouldn't mess with you like this.
Just say that my sister is, like,
sucking a big dick or whatever
and just let me out, man.
Larry, I swear I could lose my job
over something like this, man.
Sherrie and Johnny made it very clear
that I had to tell guests
in Room 6 about this door.
You got to help me out, man.
Just let me out and then I
won't say anything, okay?
All right. Geez, you're a good man.
Okay, I think... I'm gonna need you
to put a lot of pressure on the door.
What?
That is the oldest trick
in the book, man,
I'm not gonna fall...
Okay, I understand why you think that,
but I'm not fucking with you, Larry.
Are you putting pressure?
Yes, I'm doing it.
Okay, good, now you're gonna
need a lot of leverage,
okay, man?
You've got to really do it,
put all your weight against it.
- I'm doing it!
- All right, just do it
at the same time, you ready, on three.
One...
Oh, man, we did it, buddy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Okay, okay, I see you're not laughing.
But look at it from my perspective.
I mean, yes, I was holding the door shut.
Bad on me.
But honestly, I never
thought you'd fall for it.
And once we were in the middle of it,
how could I stop?
Come on, man, it was just a joke.
It's me, Chester.
You are pathetic.
Do you know that?
Nobody likes people like you, you just...
you never get the hint.
You just push and you push
and you push and you push.
Well, let me tell you something.
Nobody thinks that you're funny!
Just...
You don't think I'm funny, huh?
Well, what do you think is funny, then?
Come on, tell me a joke.
Chester, we're both tired,
it's been a long day, so can...
Tell me a joke.
Come on.
What do you call a man
with no body and no nose?
What?
Nobody knows.
That's a great one, Larry.
I knew you had it in you, Larry.
That was great, man.
- Okay.
- All right.
Have a good night, man.
Hey, Rachel, uh,
I don't know where you are,
but I've got to leave this motel,
it's just weird here,
and I don't know why you're
not getting my messages,
but if you just want to call me back,
maybe I'll just wait in my car
down the road and see
if you come by or...
It's just so stupid.
Just please, please, I hope you
get these messages, and...
I'm kind of concerned you
were in a car crash.
I hope not.
Aww, shit.
I really let things get
out of control earlier.
I don't know what came over me.
You're probably a good
sport, but you know,
you give a moose a cookie
and he asks for milk.
I was asking for milk.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, I can't stop you from leaving, but
if you have to,
please accept my apology
and part as my friend.
Okay, then.
If Rachel shows up,
I'll tell her you had to leave.
Enjoy the wedding.
How did he know her name?
How did he know her name?
911, what's your emergency?
Hi.
I'm at the Pink Motel and Lounge,
and there's the owner
or a guy who's... who's looking after...
I need you to send someone out...
♪ Honey bee ♪
♪ Guess there's nothing else to know ♪
♪ Except I love you so ♪
You know, so I'm in my car.
I had to check out because,
I mean, he's been messing
with me all night.
But he had said "Rachel,"
which is my sister,
and there's no way that he knows what...
that's him.
That's... that's him.
Sir, can I talk to you for a minute?
Found out about my
kiddie porn, huh, sheriff?
Aw, just kidding.
They're all legal, barely.
Don't even joke about that, sir.
How'd you know her name, Chester?
What are you talking about?
Rachel.
I never told you her name,
so if she hasn't been here,
then how do you know it?
Because you told me her name, you dope.
I mean, did you seriously
call the cops because
you forgot you told me
your sister's name?
I...
All right. I'll handle this, sir.
Where's Johnny and Sherrie?
I'm just covering for them.
Step into my office.
All right.
Let's just calm down here.
I want you over there.
You, other room.
You and me gonna talk, sir.
So what can I do?
I mean, I'm just keeping the place open,
I can't be in charge of the crazies.
Right, well, listen, it's
a full moon out here
so you're not the only one
with crazy people tonight.
Sir... sir!
Please step away from there,
that's private property.
Yeah, man, that stuff's confidential.
- No... look.
- I think.
This. You see?
That's her name right there.
That's her name, she's checked in.
Where is she, Chester,
what'd you do with her?
Is something wrong, Larry?
- Huh, you see?
- Just relax and just...
wait, why you making a fist here, Larry?
Oh! Oh, man! Ow, God!
What did you do?
I didn't touch him!
Sir, you all right?
I didn't do anything!
Sir, are you all right?
I didn't see that coming.
Sir, are you okay? What happened?
Larry. He hit me.
Did you seriously just punch him?
- Where the fuck is...
- Not again.
Sir, I'm gonna have to take you in.
Larry?
Rachel?
Larry! What the...
Ma'am, stay there.
He's coming with me.
Officer, let him go.
It's my fault.
This man just assaulted you.
Oh, I... I pushed him too far,
I've been winding him up all night.
Quite frankly, I've been a dick and
I deserve a lot worse than
getting sucker-punched.
So you're not gonna press charges?
If anyone's guilty of
anything here, it's me,
of bad taste and shenanigans.
You gonna behave, son, hm?
Yes.
Thank God he's okay.
Now, I don't know what's
going on with you two,
but if I got to come back here tonight,
I'm taking you both in.
- Ma'am.
- Uh, goodnight.
Is he giving you a hard time?
Yeah, he's been playing
these jokes on me all night.
Larry, that was great, that was great.
What the hell was that about, huh?
Well, Larry was really
worried about you,
and then he freaked out
and called the sheriff,
and then I pulled this
great April Fools prank
and got him to leave.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You called the sheriff on him?
Yes, I thought that he
did something to you.
What do you mean, did something to me?
- I'm right here, okay?
- Okay, well,
he knew your name, I
didn't know that he...
it's just...
Well, Larry, it's an
online reservation.
You know, I had to put my
name down to book the room.
It prints out by itself.
I guess I should do a better job
of keeping an eye on that, huh?
Humph. Hey, relax.
This is...
Hey, relax.
Uh...
Look at me.
- What took you so long?
- Oh, God, there was
a big accident, I got
stuck on the freeway
and I tried to do a detour.
Got really lost, and
then I tried to text you
and it wouldn't send through.
We're gonna forget this whole thing
ever happened, you hear me?
And you're gonna get some sleep.
Recharge and enjoy the room on me,
even though you sucker-punched me.
I didn't.
You don't have to shake my hand,
we're way beyond handshakes, buddy.
And you could have a room for free too,
just for being so beautiful.
Wow, okay, I don't really
know what's happening,
but I like it.
- I'm gonna go to my room.
- Uh, wait, um.
It was really upsetting
meeting you at first,
but you seem lovely now.
A common refrain.
I wonder if this is actually him.
No, it's sexual
harassment is what it is.
Eh...
Ha ha.
I just don't think that he's funny.
Well, he could say the same thing about
you calling the cops on him, you know?
No, look, I mean, I kind of apologized.
Okay, maybe he's not as bad as I thought.
- Hm.
- This wedding's really just
messing with my head, you know?
I know. Here.
It's gonna be all right, okay?
And you should give Cindy this.
- Take it.
- Should we invite him
- to the wedding?
- Ohh...
- The Three Amigos?
- Ugh!
Go away!
"Hey, Cindy."
This is my giant cocked friend Chester.
"You cousin-fucking bitch."
Go! Go get it!
It's Chester.
Well, open it.
- No, shut off the lights!
- He'll see, dude!
Maybe he'll get the hint.
We're coming!
Sorry for interrupting,
just dropping off
a couple drinks.
Thought you might need them
after the night you've had.
On the house.
Have a good night.
Say thank you, he's going.
Um, hey, hey, Chester?
Thanks, man, this is... it's really nice.
And... listen,
I'm sorry again about...
Calling the cops?
Punching me in the face?
Don't worry about it.
Okay. Uh...
Hey, why don't we join you for a drink?
Nah, it's late.
Come on, dude, just one drink.
All right, one drink!
Just one, though, not two.
Maybe nine.
I'm just fucking with you.
We could have 12 if you want,
I'm all set up.
All right.
You want to meet there?
- Aw, so you had to leave him.
- Yeah.
Hercules had to stay with our mom.
It wasn't very zen out there.
I was basically the least
zen person in Tibet.
I've never been much for meditation.
I had an ex try to steal my mind once,
so I had to steal her body.
It was a joke.
Come on, guys, lighten up!
I just watched her dog last week.
She's a big bitch.
Dog was fat, too.
So are you ever serious, or...
Oh boy, the doctor's in.
Let me just lay on the couch.
I'll take two hand jobs and
call you in the morning.
The structure of that joke
doesn't even make sense.
Like, if I'm the doctor,
I should be the one
prescribing the hand jobs.
Now we're getting somewhere.
So what's this guy's deal, Rach?
Has he always been, you know, uptight?
Oh, you should have seen
him when he was a kid.
He was the funniest, happiest little guy.
Couldn't go two minutes without laughing.
And everyone adored him.
So what happened to him?
Well, that Larry is still there,
it's just that I'm the only one
that gets to see it sometimes.
Or maybe he's just an asshole.
Maybe.
Uh... oh!
Whoa! He got it.
Okay, you two.
I wish I had that kind of
closeness with somebody.
So what is your story, Chester?
No story.
I'm just a good-time guy.
A few drinks, a few laughs.
I'm a maker of cocktails
and a purveyor of jokes.
To be honest, I'm not fucked up at all.
To new friends.
♪ We'll be holding hands
until the end of time ♪
This is a very special batch.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I can't do another one.
No, no, no, no!
So what's the real story
with this wedding, man?
Uh... like, how do you mean?
You got a real heaviness about you.
Your aura is all fumbled.
Feel like you're dying
to let something out.
Level with me.
It's just... it's just this girl.
What's her name?
Cindy Hughes.
She's the only girl I
ever wanted to marry.
But she dumped me
the day before I was gonna propose.
And now, she's getting married tomorrow.
Who's she marrying?
Pfft, you're never gonna believe this.
My first cousin.
You know, I keep wondering,
like, what's more humiliating:
To go and know that everyone knows
or to not go,
knowing that everyone there is gonna be
secretly laughing at me?
What you need to do
is have the last laugh.
That's the end game, man.
That's how the loser... wins.
You know,
actually I was thinking
about doing something.
After Cindy dumped me,
I wrote the letter to end all letters.
Just never had the guts
to give it to her,
but tomorrow,
tomorrow I will.
Right before she says, "I do."
Can I see it?
Mm-mm.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
We're having a moment here, Larry.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
You're never gonna see me again.
I'll tell you if I think you...
captured the right energy.
I've never let anyone read it.
Not even Rachel.
"Dear Cindy, words are
really not my thing.
Cindy, I love you, I've
never loved anyone..."
Ah, I love you, Lar.
That's fucking beautiful, man.
It's gonna crucify her.
What time is it?
Uh, I don't know, it's late.
Well, uh, bedtime for Bonzo.
Yeah, I should probably be
getting back to the desk.
Who knows how many customers I've missed.
All right, good night.
Oh, wait one sec.
I need to get a picture of
you, can you come here?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I look like a scrub muffin.
Shut up, you look amazing.
Smile, babies.
Okay, all right.
Good night.
That's a great picture of me.
But... just...
Good night, Lar-Bear.
I love you, Larry.
What... the fuck?!
What the hell, come on, no!
Jesus!
Who would do this to you?
Who would do this to you?
- Who is... oh, ah.
- Jesus.
- Oh, no, Betty!
- Who is this guy?
- He's just this biker guy.
- Betty, no!
It looks like Chester
went too far this time.
Who would... who would do this to you?
Not... not Betty!
You goddamn son of a bitch!
Is there a problem, Gerald?
I swear to fucking Christ,
I'm gonna tear someone's
fucking head off.
Oh, someone put a crotch
on your crotch rocket.
Did you do this?
You think this is funny?
Oh, at least you won't mix
it up with anyone else.
Jesus.
- Not funny, man.
- Guys.
- Fuck you!
- Guys, guys, stop it.
Who would do this?
Can we just talk about this?
You want some of this, little man?
I'm gonna cut you up, man.
What's he doing?
Chester.
I... was... just...
fucking... with... you!
Oh man, oh man, oh man.
Gerald, are you okay?
Gerald, things got carried away, man.
Are you okay, man?
Are you okay?
You okay?
You okay, man?
Please, Chester, please.
You need to learn to take a joke.
Chester.
You okay, Gerald?
Are you okay?
You guys, I don't think he's all right.
Gerald, Gerald!
What happened?
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, fuck, no.
He had a knife.
You saw, right?
He was gonna kill me.
Gerald!
He's dead.
I killed him.
Holy fuck, I fucking killed someone.
We have to call the police.
No.
Everything's gonna be all right.
No, it won't.
I'll take care of it.
What are you...
what... what are you doing?
I'll call.
Once I make this phone call,
it's gonna change my life.
Larry, can I ask you to
do something for me?
O-okay.
Will you go get me some vodka?
Some vodka?
Okay, okay.
One last drink before the long walk.
All right, okay.
Hello, Sheriff's Department?
There's been a tragedy at the Pink Motel.
My friend is dead.
It was an accident.
Holy shit, I can't believe
what the hell is happening right now.
We have to call the cops.
- Huh?
- Now.
He said that he was
calling them already.
You think he really made that call?
I don't know. I don't know.
- Give me your phone.
- Huh?
- Give me your phone.
- Right.
God, come on.
- Call, call, call, call, call.
- I am, I am.
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Hello, hi, uh, yeah,
I'm calling from the
Pink Motel and Lounge.
- I wanted to report...
- Um, yes,
the sheriff's already on his way.
Are you currently in danger?
No, not this second, no, but, um, uh,
can you just make sure
that he... he's quick?
Yes, I'll let him know.
Okay, thank you.
I guess you were right,
he, uh, he made the call.
What are you doing?
I'm... I'm... I'm getting
him that... that vodka.
What?
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Looks like it's Johnny and Sherrie.
Now I know you're probably thinking
this elderly couple was
horrendously murdered
in the motel that they owned and operate.
And you're right, they were.
But not by me.
Turns out Johnny here was
a world-class pervert.
I like to watch 'em fuck.
He had hidden cameras
installed in every room.
Dumb fucks don't know I'm watching.
And he was getting
away with it for years
until good old Chester came along
and realized that something was
rotten in the state of Denmark.
I figured it out!
So I confronted him about it!
You're a bad man, John!
And when I did, Sherrie
felt the years of betrayal
of not knowing that her
husband was a pervert
and she took out a knife.
I'm gonna kill you!
And she started stabbing Johnny.
Not if I kill you first, bitch!
And he started strangling her.
And there they were, both of them,
intertwined in this... embrace of death.
Killing each other.
It was the most honest
expression of marriage
I've ever seen in my life.
But you got to believe I didn't
have anything to do with it.
Do you believe me?
Yeah, I believe you, Chester.
Let's get you that drink, huh?
I knew there was a
reason I liked this girl.
Shots all around.
Well, you're not gonna make
me drink this by myself.
Hmm?
I was right.
What was it that Gerald said?
It's rude to leave a drink that...
someone poured for you.
Oh, by the way, you never
told me your sister's name.
I looked on your Facebook page.
Run!
Fuck, my keys are in the room.
Mine too.
My room, my room.
Over here.
Oh my God.
Fuck, where the fuck are they?
How am I supposed to know?
- Fuck.
- No!
Oh, shit.
Oh my God, oh my God!
No, no, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
What?
He's still there.
Oh, God.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Oh, God.
We have to warn the sheriff.
Fuck that, that sheriff hates me.
Sheriff, you have to help us!
Don't move.
What? No.
No, no, no, it's just us
from before, remember?
The two of you on the ground now.
You... you don't understand.
He is crazy.
All right, you've got
to the count of three.
One.
Two.
- Okay.
- Three.
Thank you for coming, Sheriff.
My God, sir, are you all right?
What happened?
She hit me in the head with a bottle.
Did you hit him in the
head with a bottle?
Yes.
But... he killed those
people in the diner,
and... and he killed a
guy, the body's just...
God damn it.
Oh, God.
I knew it was a bad idea
not to take you in earlier.
Face down.
Right now, on the ground, now!
Officer, it wasn't us.
I'm taking you in for aiding
and abetting an idiot.
Hey, hey, don't do it,
don't do it, don't do it!
Larry!
Larry!
Stop it, stop!
Please stop!
What are you laughing at?
I'm just fuckin' with you.
That was priceless.
What are you talking about?
I mean, it took a lot of work
to set this up.
I told you, he's a psycho!
Hey, shut up.
You're gonna get your chance, all right?
Sheriff, are you okay?
Are you okay, Sheriff?
Are you okay, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Sheriff, Sheriff, I'll help you.
You're okay, man.
Sheriff, are you okay?
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's all right, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
Well, I never killed
anyone like that before.
Larry, you got to see this...
Get up, Larry.
What the fuck are you doing?
- My bad.
- Larry, Larry, get up!
- Larry, get up.
- Well, Larry, I'm sorry.
This trigger's loose, man.
Leave him alone!
Stop it, stop it!
No, you stop it!
Leave him alone.
Larry, can I help you
to the car, man?
Here, I'll open the door for you.
Larry.
No! Stop!
Now you.
Oh, God, please.
Bang!
Please.
No.
The surgery was a success.
Get the fuck away from me!
Get away!
Rachel, where you going?
I'm just trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
You need your keys.
I'm trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
Oh, God.
Larry, are you okay?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, my God.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Are you okay?
Hey, hey.
Drive safe.
Fuck you, Chester!
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh God.
He's a fucking serial killer.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is that noise?
What's happening?
Come on!
Oh, come on!
What the fuck.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, come on!
Okay, okay.
Larry, get out.
Come on, come on.
- I got you.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe it fucking worked.
Come on, Larry.
Oh, get up, Larry, get up!
I'm on fire.
Oh, God, Larry!
Go.
I'm sorry.
Hey, guys, wait up!
Go, go, go.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck are you giving him?!
Laughing gas, of course.
No, no, no, no, no, don't, no, no, no!
Don't you fucking move!
No!
No! No, no.
One, two, three.
Four.
You fucking...
- Five.
- Monster!
One more is six.
Get off me!
Get off me! ♪ Hush, little
baby, don't say a word ♪
♪ Chester's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪
You should know by now, Rachel.
I was just fucking with you.
Am I dead?
♪ We get it almost every night ♪
♪ When that moon gets big and bright ♪
♪ It's supernatural delight ♪
♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪
My friends,
our guest of honor is awake.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Adams!
Larry, if you fall in,
you're gonna drown.
You can't move your arms yet.
It's too soon.
Just relax, my man.
I won't be able to save you.
I can't swim!
Who are you?
I am Judgment.
I am Wrath.
And you, Larry Adams,
have been judgmented.
- That's not a word.
- How do you know, Larry?
Do you have a thesaurus on that raft?
I don't feel well.
God help me.
God is helping you, Larry.
He loves you!
This is the way He wants you to be.
Welcome to my Hawaiian luau, Larry.
You are my guest of honor.
Here's your golden lei.
Oh, God.
Listen, Larry.
I'm not gonna lie to ya,
I gave you a mega dose of ayahuasca...
and some other things.
You're gonna be feeling a little woozy.
You okay, man?
Who am I?
That's why we're all
gathered here tonight,
to find out who you really are.
You're in a very safe space, man.
I'm a trained shaman.
Where's Rachel?
Oh, Rachel's fine, man.
She's just changing
into her bathing suit.
Perhaps we can go check on her.
Let's put the ceremony on pause.
Listen, Lar-Bear,
there's one more thing
I need for you to do.
It's very important for your transition.
Okay, what is it?
You kinda fucked things
up for me tonight,
if I'm being honest.
I had a fun evening planned,
and then you came along.
You're the rarest of things.
What do you mean?
Understand this:
You're a man completely
devoid of a sense of humor.
You're a dour curmudgeon
with a scorpion sting.
You're the April Fool.
I am.
I know I am.
I want you to tell me,
in all your newfound, drug-addled glory,
who you really are.
Tell me who Larry Adams is.
Not the bullshit duality
that you hide behind,
not the mask you present to the world,
but the real you.
The real you.
Okay.
Good boy.
What do you think?
On the bed?
I don't know.
Yeah, on the bed.
Sorry, I'm not much of a camera guy.
Okay.
Okay, I'm ready, I think.
So, let the truth surge through you.
Tell us both who you really... are.
And action.
I'm a troll.
I...
Literally, I'm a troll.
I mean, on the outside, I'm...
I'm nice, I'm... meek,
I'm affable,
but on the inside,
my heart is full of bitterness.
I've never fit in.
I'm on the other side of the glass,
always looking in.
This is fantastic, man.
Let it out.
Continue.
You know, when I was young,
I just... I never had the
ability to talk to other kids.
I never knew what to say.
It's like I'm a prisoner in my own head,
and it makes me hate people.
So...
I created ProgrammingFlaw.
He could do all the things
that I never could.
I could be free.
He can destroy people with
a single push of a button.
Sounds like a hell of a guy!
Oh, he is.
He's formidable.
He's everything that I'm not,
and he's the only one
who ever had my back,
Rachel aside.
Thank God you have her.
Deep down in my soul,
I know who I am.
So who are you?
I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
Scene.
Lay it on me, man.
We're beyond handshakes.
You fully embrace the
real powerful you.
I'm proud of you, Flaw.
You did it!
Hey, can I see Rachel now?
Here's the deal.
For every action,
there's an equal and opposite reaction.
Newton's third law of motion.
Rachel would call it karma,
Larry would call it payback,
I'll just call it fucking funny, man.
Rachel, come on out!
She's just in there.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
Rachel!
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
No!
You said she was okay.
You promised me.
The transition wouldn't have
worked otherwise, PFlaw.
You wouldn't have learned anything.
Why?
Why not?
You want to know what's
even funnier than this?
I just posted your pathetic confession
and sappy letter to Cindy
on the wedding forum.
Comment highlights:
"Pathetic note, bitch."
Of course she'd never marry you.
Get a life, freak.
"What's wrong with you?"
"You're just really pathetic."
Oh, here's a good one.
It just says, "Die."
And here's one from Cindy herself.
Ready?
"You are a monster..."
a monster.
I never even liked you.
"You're pathetic."
Wow!
She really hates you, Lar-Bear.
What?
Do you know what?
I was wrong about you.
Oh my God, you are funny.
I mean, I...
I mean, I... I see it,
man, I get it all now.
All of this was genius.
I mean, you're like Mozart, man.
You're like the Mozart of comedy.
I've been waiting all
night for you to say that.
You're hilarious.
I mean, you're a funny fucker.
I mean, those guys,
Gerald and the Sheriff,
what is wrong with them?
They should've been laughing too, man.
Oh my God, that dead couple?
I mean, they just flat-out deserved it.
Oh, wait, are you filming this right now?
Oh, we serial killers
like to keep souvenirs.
PFlaw, you're a breath of fresh air
in a slaughterhouse.
Ahh.
But all good things must come to an end.
Any last requests?
Well...
I don't want to die here.
I mean, I don't want to live anymore.
I don't want to die here.
Let's go to the wedding.
Huh?
All three of us.
I mean, there's... there's a hill
overlooking the festivities.
I mean, imagine the look
on their dumb-ass faces
when we rock up.
I mean, just me and Rachel, dead,
just tumbling down a hill towards them.
Now that...
That would be fucking hilarious.
Are you just fucking with me?
You tell me.
Where you going?
Let's take Rachel's car.
I'll drive.
You want to drive?
Oh, come on, Chester.
Rachel would never let you drive her car.
Rachel! Rachel!
Would you let Chester drive your car?
Rachel says, "No fucking way."
Come on, Chester.
Your aura seems a little jumbled.
Look, man, I just wanted to say,
thank you for everything.
Keys.
Let's roll.
I'll fuck anything that moves!
Or doesn't move.
Sorry, Rachel.
RAPPER: ♪ Get your face wrapped up ♪
♪ Smacked up, we hold it down ♪
♪ Drag you in the gym and I
plan to cut that ass down ♪
♪ Metal shards, my blade
slicing your windpipe ♪
♪ Strobe lights flashing,
fury's blinding my eyesight ♪
Rachel, do you have to pee?
Chester, can I tell you a joke?
Absolutely, man.
So there's these two idiots,
and they're driving down the road.
And?
Okay, and they're
called Larry and Chester.
And Larry's sister is
sittin' in the back,
woop, not sayin' a word.
I like it already.
Rachel, be quiet for the punchline, okay?
And then Larry says to Chester,
"If you could be anything
in the world right now,
what would you be?"
And... and Chester replies,
"Well, I don't know, what would I be?"
I don't know, what would I be?
"Well," says Larry,
"you'd be Rachel's dog."
Rachel's dog?
Yeah, that's right.
Chester would be Rachel's dog, Hercules.
Now Chester says,
"W-why would I be Hercules?"
W-why would I be Hercules?
"Well," says Larry,
"Rachel just loved Hercules so much"
that she had him ride up front with her
"in the passenger seat."
In fact, just right there
in your seat right there.
Oh, you're so thoughtful, Rachel.
I mean, it wasn't exactly legal,
but she just loved that dog so much.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
Almost as much as she loved me.
She always wanted to keep him safe.
So, she made an alteration to the car!
What's the punchline, Larry?
What's the punchline?
Oh, Chester.
The punchline is that because of Hercules
Rachel disabled the airbags
on one side of the car,
Chester's side of the car.
Now I'm gonna drive us
into a fucking wall.
You wouldn't, Larry.
You're right.
Larry wouldn't have the balls.
But I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
To the beautiful sound
of laughter.
♪ She loves the way I'm looking
when I come and the paint splatters ♪
♪ She's an open book that I can
read but I'd rather fuck ♪
♪ I don't want to talk no
more, I just want to nut ♪
♪ This is where we both hold
hands to the bitter end ♪
♪ But fuck that, let's walk through hell
to see how this ends ♪
♪ Now I'm staring at myself
in the broken glass ♪
♪ Thinking how I let you slip away,
I'm still wanting that ass ♪
♪ If I get one more time,
I'll let you know ♪
♪ How I want to kill everything
that you try to grow ♪
♪ How I want to fuck every
part of your wretched soul ♪
♪ How I want to break you
inside and make it slow ♪
♪ I ain't got a gun in my
hand, just fucking raw ♪
♪ She ain't got a bullet in the chamber
but she got all sheen ♪
♪ Gotta beg me to come disassemble her ♪
♪ When she wants a man, I'm
the one that convinces her ♪
♪ So take it in your mouth,
baby doll, this is elegance ♪
♪ Watch it as the world
burns in this irrelevance ♪
♪ If we could die together,
free the blood of the excellence ♪
♪ Girl, 'cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood that you spilled ♪
♪ We the bosses, make 'em black ♪
♪ Flooding my intensity and
dive in your hornet's nest ♪
♪ I love you till it burns,
that's the part that can kill us both ♪
♪ To blow apart our particles
and lower this overdose ♪
♪ I'm hellbound, that
or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood that you spilled ♪
I'm just fucking with you.