Into the Dark (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Treehouse - full transcript
Celebrity chef Peter Rake tries to escape a recent wave of negative tabloid exposure by moving away to his family's vacation estate in the woods, but the ghosts of his past are everywhere and debts will be settled.
(EERIE SOUNDS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(CREAKING)
♪
(DISTORTED SCREAM)
♪
♪
(BUZZES)
♪
("SEVENTEEN," SJOWGREN)
♪
PETER: Why-- you have to--
why are you doing it like that?
You have to fold, fold, okay?
♪ I know I can't ♪
We have very little time, left.
Please.
♪ I can't be everything ♪
♪ All in one ♪
♪ All in one ♪
♪
♪ Just the one for you ♪
♪ We make up, up some pieces ♪
Holy shit, you guys!
He's cooking something,
it's water,
but congratulations.
There's heat involved.
It's cooking!
Fuck!
♪ I'm not in a hurry,
not going nowhere ♪
♪ Yeah ♪♪
♪
(SIGHS)
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)
Who won the polenta challenge?
PETER:
We shoot that later, okay?
But if it is up to me,
none of those people,
because they're just--
they're all so awful
at cooking in general.
Please, please
don't fall off my bar.
Okay, look,
I'm just spitballing here.
PETER: Mm‐hm,
sock it to me.
I want it.
You be my plus one.
You want me to crash
your mom's wedding?
Come here, come here.
Hey.
RILEY:
But it's gonna be so weird.
PETER:
Sit down.
Mouse, I wasn't invited, okay?
Ex‐spouses
don't usually make the cut.
ASSISTANT:
Copy that.
Hey, five minutes, Mr. Rake.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Riley, uh...
your mom loves you very much.
And I love you very, very much,
not that it's a competition.
But listen to me.
Nothing's gonna change
after this weekend.
Okay?
Except your mom's new last name
will be "Geck."
That's unfortunate.
So, I think we should just
give them this day
and then next weekend,
you and me?
We take on the world.
Okay?
Well, how about
we start tonight?
Darnell Park just cut the ribbon
on a new mini golf course.
And why do you think
I gave Katie instructions
to have you there by 6 PM
so that you can see
the sun setting
behind the freshly painted,
sized‐to‐scale windmill?
Hey buddy.
♪
Come on, not this weekend, man.
PETER: Okay.
Hey, one sec.
Oh! Okay.
PETER: Look, do I want to be the one
that golfs with you?
Of course.
I just have so much work to do
this weekend,
and you deserve better
than my distracted company,
okay?
Yeah, well, your company's
often distracted.
I handed that one to you, okay?
I gave that to you for free.
Had a bow on it.
PETER:
Next Saturday,
you, me, Darnell Park.
Okay, but I have a soccer game
next Saturday.
It was a test.
Congratulations, you've passed.
What I meant to say is
next Sunday
will be off the chain.
Never say "off the chain."
PETER: Whatever's clever.
‐ Don't.
I don't know what plays anymore.
Babe, what plays?
Tell me.
Okay, well, "rad" 's back.
Oh! Katie, "rad" 's back.
Did you know that?
KATIE: "Rad" 's back!
Yeah. You are so rad.
Yeah, well,
your floppy hair is rad.
♪
Hey, um, please drive carefully
because this is
my most precious cargo,
and, uh, call me
if anything goes sideways,
and would you please
feed yourselves?
Thanks.
Have a great weekend.
We got this.
PETER: Of course. Mm‐hm.
Yup.
You are my only.
I need you.
Bye!
Okay.
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
‐(PHONE BEEPS)
‐(INHALES)
Barry, I have
done what you've asked,
and I am skipping town
for the weekend, okay?
Now please tell me
what you're doing,
and, spoiler alert, it better
have some fuckin' teeth.
(NO AUDIO)
("THOUGHT MESSAGES," HANK DOGS)
♪
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
(NO AUDIO)
♪
(NO AUDIO)
♪
(NO AUDIO)
♪
(NO AUDIO)
♪
♪ Cross the black seas
and sands ♪
♪ Though it may curse
ample spaces ♪
♪
♪ Sending thought messages ♪
♪
♪ Telling me
to get out of there ♪
♪
♪ She looked as if she had
one ounce of my spark ♪
♪
♪ She'd take this world apart
and... ♪
♪ Make a pretty big mark ♪
♪
WOMAN:
Hey.
You got a light?
PETER:
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hm.
(INSECTS BUZZING)
Keep it.
Trying to quit.
We're all trying to quit.
I'll treat her
like she was my own.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
‐Ooh, hey.
‐Ooh, sorry.
It's okay.
Thank you.
(WHISPERING)
All right.
BRIDESMAID 1:
Ready, let's go.
BRIDESMAID 2:
Wow.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, let's go.
It's not enough.
‐No, it's good.
‐What?
Wait, what kind of beer is that?
Hold this, someone.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I am with you,
but also you don't want them
to think you make suits
out of lady skins, right?
BRIDESMAID 1:
Yes, let's go.
(ENGINE REVS)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(SHARP INHALE)
MAN:
Whoa.
No way.
Peter Rake.
Yeah, yes, I am,
I am Chef Peter in the flesh.
Uh...
Oh, holy shit.
Holy shit, you used to work here
in high school, didn't you?
Um...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Lenny.
♪
Lonnie.
♪
This is, um...
It's all mine now.
Oh, wow!
Booya, man, this is...
this is really great for you.
♪
Yeah, my dad kicked the bucket
a few years back.
The cancer ate him up.
Shit, I'm sorry to hear that,
man.
It's okay.
He was a mean son of a bitch.
Well, you know, the same thing
happened to my old man,
and he wasn't much
of a prize either.
Yeah.
So now it's just me and Mother.
"Mother," huh?
You guys think about
diversifying a little bit?
Maybe you could add a few rooms,
poke some tiny holes
in the wall,
call it Bait Motel, huh?
Lonnie, what's--what's down here?
Is this where you keep
the baskets
and the washing, huh?
♪
Sorry, that was stupid. It's--
The place looks great,
it really does.
You know, you have bins,
stills just filled with bait.
It's exactly the same.
It's--it's great.
Yeah, sister used to come around
pretty regular for a while.
(PETER WHISPERING)
Oh, my sister, that's right.
Tell you what,
I'll take a pack of Kools
and--and keep the change.
‐ It's on me.
PETER: No, that's ridiculous.
Your money's no good here.
These...
These are perfect,
and that's-- that's sweet.
Thank you, sir.
Um, hey, um,
I'm gonna tell Gwen that, uh--
LONNIE:
Wait, um...
Is she here?
♪
No, no, she's not.
She--she hardly ever
makes it down here.
She never--
she never makes it back.
But I'm gonna tell her that--
LONNIE:
Lonnie says...
(HIGH‐PITCHED)
♪ Hey Gwennie ♪
♪
Yeah, she's gonna love that.
♪
Thanks, man.
♪
(SIGHS)
♪
(CRINKLING)
♪
Hey Zan.
♪
Hey Jayna.
♪
(PETER SIGHS)
♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
♪
GWEN: Oh, we are so Wonder Twinning
right there.
PETER: Speaking of our youth, uh...
Agnes was what, 60 years old
when we were kids,
which would put her at,
right now,
at least a solid hunge, right?
A hunge and a deuce?
GWEN: Yeah.
And she would still
whoop your ass.
(DOOR OPENS)
He'll be upstairs,
your father's old office.
It's a bedroom now.
(WHISPERING)
Thank God.
I would rather sleep outside
than in our dead parents'
stone cold bed.
(LOUDLY) Hey, Agnes,
please, please, please.
You don't have to carry
my--my bag up the stairs.
Can I just--can I get you
a weekend at a Nordic spa
or something?
No.
(WHISPERING)
Okay.
GWEN: So how's my one
and only niece?
Whoa.
Here you go.
GWEN: Oh my God.
‐ Uh huh.
GWEN: Are you kidding me?
‐ I'm not kidding you.
She is 11
going on Michelle Obama.
Oh, I follow her on Instagram,
but she doesn't really
do selfies.
I've racked my brains,
I can't figure out
where she gets
the humility from.
Gwen, I don't know.
Not me.
‐ No, not you.
(SIGHS)
So that's it?
Really?
Just a couple recipes
and a few breaths of fresh air?
That's all that's going on here?
I mean, you have no idea
how fucked up it's been
not seeing you
and not hearing from you.
PETER: I'd argue I know exactly
how fucked up it's been.
My number hasn't changed.
(WHISPERING)
You know?
I'm the one who went through
a divorce, right?
I'm the one that wasn't welcome
at Dad's funeral.
Yeah, okay, point taken.
Okay.
You remember what you said to me
the last time?
I was going through some shit,
Gwen, okay?
And then Dad cuts me out,
but I needed you
to fuckin' have--
Have your back no matter what.
(WHISPERING)
Yeah.
Mm.
(PETER SIGHS)
Yeah, how have you been?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
How have you been, you know?
You're just still
fightin' the good fight?
Mm‐hm.
Datin' anybody?
With all the free time I have?
Ah, shit.
(WHISPERING)
Guess who else is single?
Colin Farrell?
PETER: Not even close.
Lonnie from high school.
Bunny boiler Lonnie.
Yeah.
He's running the bait shop
all by himself now.
Wow.
PETER: I know.
I have not thought about him
in a very long time.
Well, I mean, Christ,
I would be worried if you had.
But he does-- he does say...
(HIGH‐PITCHED)
♪ Hey Gwennie ♪
So you've got that
going for you.
Okay?
‐ You spoke to him?
I did, and he still has
that sweet butt chin.
Okay, stop that.
PETER: It's nice, okay.
He was just trying to be
my friend, you know that.
But you played the tuba
in marching band.
Gwen, hanging out with Lonnie
would have been
the final death nail
in your high school shit coffin.
(LAUGHS)
You're welcome.
(SETS DOWN GLASS)
So why now?
You know, I miss you.
You're the other half
of my very special brain.
(LAUGHS)
Come on.
I'm right here.
Just talk to me.
It's the fuckin' internet.
You can't...
(SIGHS)
I'm an easy target.
Gwen, you know this,
you know this.
We vet these people
the best way we can,
but, oh, God,
heads are gonna roll.
Mark my words,
you mess with the bull...
You get the horns.
Got it.
PETER: No, you don't got it.
That's why we haven't spoken
for three years, Gwen.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Shit.
Hm?
I gotta take this.
Oh, okay.
GWEN: Andy,
what have you got?
♪
AGNES: You hungry?
‐ Uh...
are we farmers, Agnes?
What are you going on about?
I'm talking about Black Phillip
prancing about the...
♪
Okay, well...
never mind, but...
Good to see you, boy.
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERING)
Agnes.
God, you are such a bad liar.
You're gonna hate me.
"Hate" is a strong
and sticky word.
I have to leave.
Oh?
GWEN: Yeah.
The, um, lead detective
in my double homicide
just picked up
the second shooter.
They're saying
he's willing to talk,
but only to the DA,
which happens to be me.
You?
That's incredible.
(WHISPERING) That's fucking--
that's incredible.
When, when?
‐ Five months.
‐ Oh my...
Yeah, I wanted to call you,
but--
Shit, my sister is the DA.
You're not fucking kidding me?
We have to celebrate.
Let's celebrate.
‐ No, we will.
We will, I promise, I promise.
Yeah, I wanted to spend
the whole weekend with you.
Okay, well, there's-- you know,
there's endless weekends.
‐ Really?
‐ If I have my way, yes.
(PETER EXHALES)
‐ Okay.
(PETER STIFLING A LAUGH)
Well, I will call with updates.
‐ Please do.
‐ Um...
‐ Okay, bye.
‐ Oh, yeah.
(PETER GRUNTING)
‐ (GWEN LAUGHS)
Thanks.
‐ All right.
(SIGHS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
♪
(DEEP INHALE)
(EXHALES)
♪
(BIRD CAWING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
Hey, Ags, whatever happened
to the gentle, Bob Ross‐esque
Alaskan landscape
that used to adorn this wall?
Your father moved it
when he took up painting.
It's pretty much all he did
towards the end.
That one's his.
Oh.
Nice.
But also, what the actual fuck?
His pieces were all about
the fragility of life.
♪
How was his funeral?
Cold.
That's fitting.
♪
Uh, hey, Ags?
♪
I don't mean any offense,
but have you ever thought about
having a doctor take a look
at those...
sweet peepers?
What for?
It's the things I can't unsee
that keep me up at night.
♪
(RUSTLING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
‐(MUTTERS)
‐(PHONE RINGING)
PETER: Ags, could you get the phone,
please?
♪
Shit!
♪
(PETER SIGHS)
♪
Oh, fuck you, man.
(SOFT CRUNCH)
(PHONE RINGING)
♪
Shit.
Hello?
LONNIE: Hi Peter.
It's Lonnie.
From Bait and Tackle.
I know who you are, Lonnie.
Um, didn't know this number
was listed, though.
Was that-- was that you
that was calling earlier?
Buddy?
LONNIE: Earlier?
Mm, no that wasn't me.
You--you sure you weren't
calling me before, Lonnie?
LONNIE: I just wanted to make sure
you're okay.
Yeah, no, I'm okay.
Thank you, man, I'm just--
it's quick in, out, you know?
Pickin' up a few things, so...
(INHALES)
Lonnie, you still there?
LONNIE:
You did really good, Peter.
On TV and everything.
I'm just really happy for you.
Okay.
(DIAL TONE)
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Shit.
♪
BARRY: Yo, Pete,
it's Barry.
Uh... look dude, after doing
some more recon,
I'm confident we'll be able
to settle this, okay?
It's basically rinse and repeat.
There's no reason to drag
this one through the mud
unless you're willing
to go on record,
which I certainly
wouldn't advise.
Uh, you can holler back
if you want me to bill you
my weekend rate. Uh...
♪
Look, dude, just try to relax.
Don't go down any rabbit holes
on the web, all right?
Ciao.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRRING)
PETER:
Hi, can I help you?
WOMAN:
Hi.
Didn't I see you back at
the Bait and Tackle?
Yes, yes, and I saw you.
There--there was a--
there was a moment.
It was brief, but we shared it.
Hi, I'm Peter.
Kara.
I'm-- I'm really sorry
to bother you.
We're just--we're in a pickle.
Cross the canyon lost power,
back‐up Jenny pooped out.
It's putting a-- a big damper
on bachelorette weekend.
So it's--
‐ You need flashlights,
candles, and SPAM.
‐ You read my mind.
‐ Okay, come on in.
Let's uh, see what we've got.
Or you stay right there
and I will bring
the items to you.
You don't know if I'm Ted Bundy,
do you?
Uh, but I have to warn you,
it might take me, like, a minute
to find the items
we're discussing
because I have not been home
since Rusted Root was the shit.
You know what, Peter,
it's-- it's cold.
I'm cold, and that's on me.
So lead the way.
Okay.
Uh, we can leave this door open.
You know, you do have
his cheekbones.
Whose cheekbones?
Ted Bundy.
PETER:
You are sharp.
It only takes a spark
but we need more.
Oh...
That's not a closet.
It's not.
Good to know.
It's good to know.
I'm flying blind here.
I'm so sorry.
That's all right.
This place is--
PETER:
Awful, tacky?
Everything that's wrong
with old money?
There's just no accounting
for taste.
You know what?
I was gonna say "beautiful."
I mean,
the views are incredible.
PETER:
Okay.
So, uh, you are a musician, huh?
I read minds.
Plus, I noticed the calluses
on your fingertips,
which is a sure sign
the young lady plays
the six strings.
KARA: Yeah,
I make the big bucks
playing coffee shops
and used book stores, so...
eat a lot of ramen.
I can appreciate that.
(PETER INHALES)
Just like you can appreciate
♪ these ♪
KARA: Peter?
‐ Yes?
I know a handful of ladies
who are gonna think
you're a real prince.
Ribbit.
(KARA LAUGHS)
♪
Uh, you have my number if things
deteriorate in a meaningful way.
KARA: I do, neighbor.
Or, you know,
maybe I'll just run out of milk.
♪
(MAN VOCALIZING)
♪
(MAN VOCALIZING)
♪
(MAN VOCALIZING)
♪
(EERIE SOUNDS)
♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
(YAWNING)
(INHALES)
(SLAPS THIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(SNIFFS)
Good morning, you old bastard.
("THE TRIP," STILL CORNERS)
♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
♪
No rest for the weary, huh?
I'm in my prime, asshole.
(PETER LAUGHING)
♪
(MUSIC SLOWS AND DISTORTS)
(DISTORTED SCREAM)
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
WOMAN (ECHOING):
Please, please. No, no.
Wait.
(WHISPERING VOICES)
WOMAN (DISTANT):
Peter!
Peter!
(LOUDER)
Peter!
♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PANTING)
‐ Hey.
‐ Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
I didn't--
I didn't see the ear buds.
Everything makes sense now.
‐ Yeah.
No, I'm totally not deaf.
Uh, welcome to The Shire.
Oh, yeah.
Cool tree house.
‐ Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Man, can't believe that thing
is still standing.
Me and my sister used to
basically move in there
every summer.
Now, some jerk has put
a weird thing on the thing,
but, hey,
how did you guys make out?
How did you fare?
KARA:
Oh, not great.
The electrician can't get out
till Monday.
But...
‐ Shit.
Lemonade out of lemons.
Last night ended up
being really fun.
‐ Oh, nice.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Hi tortoises.
BRIDE: It's not a God damn race.
While you were jogging
getting swamp ass,
we were sharing
our hopes and dreams.
That's right,
we keep it on the 100.
PETER: Oh.
‐ Marie, Elena,
like a good neighbor,
Peter was there.
Yeah, that was dope, man.
PETER:
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's the least I could do.
Uh, and if I were
to take a shot in the dark,
would presume that you are
the soon‐to‐be kept woman.
Have you ever Googled
"kept woman"?
You familiar with
the Urban Dictionary?
Oh shit.
I'm sorry,
I thought that was a--
that was an okay phrase.
Um, I--I did not mean
to offend you and--
I'm just playing with you.
(LAUGHING)
‐ Solid.
‐ Saw his face?
The blood just drained.
That was nice.
Oh my God, I recognize you.
No, I'm not Amy Adams.
People do-- ‐ No, no, no.
You're that chef.
I seen you on TV.
PETER: Yeah, mm‐hm.
You have that show that's, like,
a facsimile of another show
with a more famous chef?
Thank you if you meant that
sweetly in any way.
And I don't think you did.
But still, thank you
for recognizing me.
Um, so what are you guys
gonna do?
We're gonna stay.
It's like glamping.
Oh, okay, so you're gonna
make some lemonade?
Okay, well,
we thrown in the towel.
Translation,
if we don't get back,
Mom and Morgan will smoke
all of our weed.
PETER: Mm.
Thanks for the fire,
Chef Boyardee.
Check you later.
Come on up and take it easy.
Pray for Puerto Rico.
PETER: Okay.
KARA: See you in a few.
PETER:
Aw, Chef Boyardee.
That's funny.
‐ So you, uh, you run?
When chased, yes.
And quickly.
I think you're being modest.
That headband didn't cut itself
off your favorite old tee.
‐ This old thing?
KARA: Mm‐hm.
Hey, I have a--
I have a crazy idea.
You want to freeze the lake
so we can curl all weekend?
I really do want to do that.
That's a-- but first,
I want to cook for you
and your friends.
Uh, and before you say anything,
uh, I just want to let you know
you'd be doing me a huge solid
'cause I have, I don't know,
three or four recipes
I need to work out
for my new most likely
bestselling cookbook.
Humble brag.
And you want us
as your guinea pigs
in your big fancy house?
‐ Well.
What time would this theoretical
multi‐course feast kick off?
Um, well, I--I do find
that sunset pairs just perfectly
with an amuse‐bouche.
Any "bouche," really.
♪
("STAY HAPPY,"
BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE)
♪
♪ Ags, Ags, Ags, Ags, Ags, Ags ♪
♪ Ags got one potato ♪
Gotta take our shoes off.
I don't want to take
our shoes off.
You know what I mean?
Maybe it's one of those houses
where you have to take
your shoes off.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪
‐ Hi.
PETER: Welcome, ladies.
I think you'll find
ample electric light.
Oh, look at
all this white privilege.
PETER:
Help yourself.
MARIE: Hi.
PETER: Hi.
This is my mom, Lilith.
Hello, you, again.
‐ Well, you lit up my life.
‐ Thank you.
You helped me quit smoking.
‐ Oh, well.
You know the family resemblance
is striking, you two.
LILITH:
Oh, I know.
Well, one night
with Desmond Tutu
changed my life forever.
That's fun, you're fun.
‐ We are fun.
‐ You are.
KARA: This painting.
PETER: Oh, I know.
I'm sorry-- Agnes?
You know, I asked her
to take that down
because it is so morbid.
‐ Oh, I like it.
‐ Me too.
I like it.
Once you step back, you know,
and you kind of let
the folksy layers--
You rang?
Agnes, please meet our guests.
Agnes.
Ah, she's a bit like Master Po
from Kung Fu.
Is that okay?
Good.
Hi Peter, I'm Morgan.
Hello.
Marie and I met backpacking
across Devon.
Bonded over the last bag
of trail mix
and here I am.
Supplementing the nups
with a touch of class.
Touch.
PETER: Oh, that's nice.
I bet you've got tons of that
despite your--your fragile stature.
Lovely home.
Thank you.
Architecturally speaking.
Style wise, I can't say
I really care for it.
Mm‐hm.
Muddled at best.
(GIRLS SNICKER)
ELENA: First of all,
this house is stupid.
Second, are you gonna feed us
or what, papi?
Because you don't want
to see me hangry.
MARIE:
It's all you guys.
(LAUGHTER)
KARA: I can't.
(LAUGHTER)
ELENA: This little things
are delicious.
All right.
(UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER)
(LAUGHTER)
MORGAN: I've gotta Instagram this.
And, um, I'm gonna get, like,
chair covers.
‐ (ELENA GASPS)
LILITH: They're called chair cozies.
No, no, wedding chair cozies
can't look great.
Fuckin' bean bags
would be better.
Do I look like Meghan Markle
to y'all?
I mean, that's why you should
just have the wedding
in, like, a barn of something.
‐ A barn?
‐ But not, like, an actual barn.
Oh my God,
forget I said anything.
MORGAN: Peter, how do you feel
about wedding chair cozies?
‐ Me? Uh, well...
‐ Yeah.
To be honest with you guys,
I have no idea
what the gentle fuck
you're talkin' about.
I want to know more though.
I want to know more. Keep sharing.
ELENA: Wow, he already have
one pussy in his life.
PETER: For those of you willing,
what you're about to enjoy...
is a pan‐seared monkfish.
You'll see some English peas.
Those are fresh.
KARA: Oh my gosh,
this is beautiful.
I mean, it looks like cod.
PETER: There's a similarity.
‐ Mm.
PETER: Uh, Elena,
but, um, it's much higher end.
Y'all, eat up, eat up also,
because this is super expensive
at his restaurant.
The reason I broke up with him
mainly
was because he thought
he got to decide
when and if I had babies.
But also the salt, no?
Also he salted his bacon.
Oh, that's always gross.
‐ Fuck no.
‐ Yeah, it was grim.
MARIE:
Mm‐mm.
MORGAN:
But it wasn't as bad
as the man I loved
wanting to determine
when my body transforms
and bursts forth with...
suckling young.
PETER: Goodness gracious,
you make it sound like
the last act of Akira, Morgan.
It's not that bad.
I'm sorry, Peter,
have you birthed many children?
Um, I haven't, unfortunately,
but I did see it happen.
Listen, I saw it happen
up close and personal,
and I feel like
if I had the gadgetry,
I would have delivered.
The gadgetry, you guys.
LILITH: You know, it's not just
the delivery, right?
It's everything that comes next
and then everything after that.
PETER: You're right, I'm sorry,
I forgot that you managed
to avoid the pushing part,
which is so sweet for you,
it's rad.
But I'm also a fan of adoption, so...
‐ (LILITH SIGHS)
No, I was just saying
I don't think raising a child
should be another thing we
have to prioritize, you know?
It's not a burden or a task,
it's just simply what is.
Becomes as much part
of your life as breathing.
But then the parts of your life
that you thought were your life,
like socializing
or career building,
and, you know, exploring
or expressing art,
those things that drove you
and defined you,
all those boxes
get left unchecked.
Of course they still matter.
And you want your child
to grow up
and see more than just Mom.
You want them to see a dreamer
and a lover
and an entrepreneur or whatever.
You want them to see...
you.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
And maybe be inspired.
Oh my God,
when is Mother's Day, May?
Fuck.
I see you.
I love you.
PETER:
Well, that is a cockle warmer.
♪
No, nothing?
Tough room.
Guys, come on, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
That was a beautiful soliloquy,
Lilith,
and I think that
we should all drink to it.
Oh my God, Peter.
Oh my goshness.
I've just embarrassed myself.
‐ Well--well caught.
‐ It's okay.
PETER:
I'm also very curious
as to what is--
what is that about?
‐ Oh!
PETER: That's intriguing.
KARA:
What this is about?
Sisterhood.
Celtic style,
am I right, ladies?
(GIRLS AGREEING)
It was about Mardi Gras 2015.
Year of the motherfuckin' goat.
Oh, I love our tattoos.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, whoa,
is anybody else sweating
like they stole something?
Elena, how are you hot?
ELENA: I don't know.
KARA: She always is.
(MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC)
♪
♪ Go to sleep ♪
♪ Underneath the cover ♪
See anything out there you like?
Well, uh,
speaking man to matron,
I-- I could say
there's nothing out there
I don't like.
AGNES:
How inclusive of you.
(WHISPERING)
Thank you.
Truthfully, though,
I am feeling kind of invisible
to (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
Huh, wiser words
without slurring might help.
(PETER LAUGHS)
Maybe stop spilling shit.
(PETER CHUCKLES)
Your honesty is boundary free,
Ags.
And I am tipsy.
AGNES: Ah.
♪
Eat something,
for Christ's sake.
PETER:
Well, sure.
♪
AGNES: Go easy,
I'm not gonna clean up
any more of your messes.
Here.
PETER: Thank you.
Thank you, mm, reheated.
BTDubs,
I'm a big fan of you
and (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
I like that.
AGNES: Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, when is the last time
you had
a solid girls' night out?
I feel like
you should get out there,
tell 'em some shit
about Eleanor Roosevelt,
you know what I'm saying?
Maybe tell 'em the story
of the first vacuum.
You're an idiot.
PETER: Mm‐hm.
♪ Underneath the cover ♪♪
♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
That's-- that's gorgeous.
(APPLAUSE)
Anybody need cream or milk?
Just let me know.
ELENA:
My gosh, Agnes!
You've been on your feet
all day.
Why don't you sit down,
take a load off?
Maybe drop some knowledge.
AGNES: I'm too old
to be dropping anything.
I'm just enjoying
the festivities
watching some sisters commune.
PETER:
Oh, there she is.
Suffrage.
My day.
No?
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Truth is, you all are lucky.
Wasn't always this easy
for women
to lean on each other.
There was a time when it...
wasn't about choosing
to be heard,
because you had no voice.
(DARK MUSIC)
How can you use something
you were never given?
♪
Something terrible
happens to a woman
and it just lives in you.
♪
In her.
Starts on the inside
and then it becomes her skin
and she wears it till she dies
and that's that.
(PETER SIGHS)
♪
And that was just
her tight five, ladies.
Wait, just wait
until her Hulu special
drops this fall.
I made chocolate things
for women.
Please don't all just...
MARIE: I'm good, bro.
MORGAN: Yeah.
‐ Maybe later, Peter.
Thanks.
ELENA: They look like wild flavors.
♪
PETER: Oof.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
You all right over there, Pete?
(SIGHS)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just-- I maybe had
a little too much to drink
and not enough to eat.
This is the--
this is the chef's curse.
Hey, I'll bid you excuse me.
I'll bid you adieu.
Um, stay as long as you like,
okay?
Stay the night if you like.
I will be available
for some light spooning
during the witching hour,
as long as I can be
the big spoon.
♪
KARA: Peter, your hospitality
is greatly appreciated.
‐ Mm.
‐ Thank you and Agnes
for such a delicious meal.
Mm‐hm.
I had this gravity.
(LAUGHTER)
MORGAN: There's a step there.
‐ Good night.
‐ Okay.
Thank you.
♪
Oh...
(MUTTERING)
(GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT DEMONIC VOICE)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRRING)
♪
Hm?
Cheerio.
Hey.
Well, that's good.
(EXHALES)
Ooh.
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
Hey, how much did we drink?
Okay.
(FLIPPING SWITCH)
Um...
(WATER RUNNING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(SNIFFS)
♪
(SOFT CRUNCH)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRRING)
("TWO SISTERS")
♪
♪ There were two sisters
side by side ♪
♪ Sing aye dumb,
sing aye day ♪
♪ There were two sisters
side by side ♪
♪ The boys are born for me ♪
♪ There were two sisters
side by side ♪
♪ The eldest for young Johnny cried ♪
(PEACOCK CALL)
Okay, I'll bite.
♪ I'll be true
unto my love ♪
♪ If he'll be true to me ♪
♪
(PEACOCK CALLING)
♪
♪ Johnny bought the youngest
a big gold ring ♪
♪ Sing aye dumb,
sing aye day ♪
♪ Johnny bought the youngest
a big gold ring ♪
♪ The boys are born for me ♪
Well, hey there, Glorio.
I do like your outfit, but...
why are you here?
Are you a boarder
or are you just visiting Agnes?
♪
I'm gonna turn that down
'cause it sucks.
♪ If he'll be true to me ♪
♪
♪ Johnny bought the youngest
a beaver hat ♪
♪ Sing aye dumb ♪♪
(DARK MUSIC)
♪
(EERIE SOUNDS)
Sh...
♪
(EXHALES)
♪
(GRUNTS)
(PEACOCK CALLING)
Uh...
Fuck no.
♪
Hey Morgan,
rise and shine, please.
♪
(WHISPERING)
Oh!
♪
Fuck!
I'm pretty sure that Agnes
worships peacocks and the devil.
♪
(FLOOR CREAKS)
♪
(DOORBELL RINGS)
♪
(METALLIC WHIRRING)
♪
(CREAKING)
♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Morgan, is that you?
(TRYING DOORKNOB,
RAPPING ON DOOR)
MORGAN: Peter, help me.
(JOSTLING DOOR)
Morgan!
("TWO SISTERS" PLAYS AGAIN)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Morgan!
♪
Goddammit.
False!
♪
Morgan, pull--pull on
your side of the door, please.
MORGAN:
I'm pulling.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Morgan?
Open the goddamned door!
MORGAN:
I can't, it's locked!
Peter, help me, I'm scared.
(SHRIEKING)
PETER:
Oh, shit!
(GROANING)
(GNASHING CRUNCH)
(SHRIEKING)
MORGAN:
(WHISPERING) Peter?
Are you still there?
PETER:
Morgan, something's wrong.
Morgan, something's wrong.
I can't move!
♪
(PETER PANTS, GASPS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
♪
(WHISPERING)
Morgan, wake up!
I think I'm paralyzed.
♪
Oh, God... Peter.
Where am I?
♪
PETER: Look at me.
No, no, no.
Look at, look at--
do not turn around.
Oh my God.
Oh my... oh my God!
♪
Hm.
What?
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Had a wife
but couldn't keep her,
because he'd been
a very, very bad boy.
(WHISPERING)
What the fuck?
♪
Ooh!
KARA: Well‐done, Morgan.
No, I think I can
probably take it from here.
♪
Stiff upper lip, mate.
It's been a deuce of a time.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Thank you.
(HISSES)
KARA:
Oh!
Peter.
I just can't imagine
what's running through
your head right now.
Oh, you don't need to,
I can tell you, it's, uh,
"Why can't I move
my fuckin' body"
and "Get this collar
off me fuckin' now."
Language!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(QUIETLY FURIOUS)
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
(DEMONIC WHISPERING)
I'd say I'm surprised
you don't recognize me, Peter,
but to be fair, I was a child
the last time you were around.
Still, everyone says
I'm the spitting image
of my sister, and, well,
I know you remember her.
PETER: I have no idea
who you're talking about.
Wheeler.
Kara Wheeler.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
You're Becca's sister?
Was.
PETER: So that's what
all this insanity is about.
(SCOFFS)
She took the easy way out.
It's my fault?
What happened to
your sister is tragic.
Truly.
♪
It's also fuckin' cowardly.
Right? What about
your parents?
What about you?
And then the heroin.
The fuckin' heroin, Kara.
Come on, I know you're angry.
You want some closure, but this,
this is not the way to get it.
This... this is how
you get 10 to 20.
Did you know I was
the one that found her?
♪
She used a knife from your
line of cutlery, Peter.
The very set you sell on
your piece‐of‐shit TV show.
♪
Do you think that
was a coincidence?
We were teenagers, okay, Kara?
(STAMMERING)
And whatever you're thinking,
fuck, I guarantee you
that's not what happened,
all right?
(CHAINS JINGLING)
Right on cue.
MORGAN: All right.
‐ Shit.
(CLATTERING)
Okay.
Uh, what the hell is that?
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Right, then,
now that it's loaded,
I would be worried,
if I were you.
(WHISPERING)
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
(LAUGHING)
You seem tense, Peter.
Way to represent, OG.
(LAUGHTER)
Suckling young.
PETER:
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, okay,
so you are all crazy,
you're all just crazy,
and your brains are sick,
and you're not gonna
get away with this,
you... angry bitches!
Oh, Peter.
We're not angry bitches.
♪
We're angry witches.
♪
(PUFFS)
(EACH PUFFS IN SUCCESSION)
♪
(UNINTELLIGIBLE INCANTATION)
♪
(SCREAMING)
Agnes!
♪
Agnes!
♪
(WHISPERING)
Hey, hey...
hey.
What did you do to me?
Hm. The paralysis.
It's a remedial spell
but always quite effective.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Peter,
a woman's work is
never, ever done.
♪
Agnes!
Help me!
Shush, shush, shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush, huh?
Have some self‐respect, Slim.
Shh...
‐ What are you...
what are you planning?
What are you...
Hey, what is your deal,
even... huh?
Huh?
Yeah? What is that--
what is that--
what is that nonverbal cue, huh?
You guys aren't
helping me at all, please.
LILITH: We can't let you
go out like this.
Out?
Don't sweat it.
We're gonna tighten you up.
You're gonna tighten me up,
what is tighten--
tighten what up?
LILITH:
All of it.
♪
Oh, come on.
♪
(PETER BREATHES HEAVILY)
LILITH:
Shh, stay very still.
(EERIE MUSIC)
No! No, no,
this stops now.
(WOMEN SINGING IN UNISON)
♪ Shut, shut, shut, shut ♪
♪ Shut your fucking mouth ♪
♪ No one wants
to hear your bullshit ♪
♪ Shut your fucking mouth ♪♪
Ow!
No! No.
MARIE: Oh, boy.
That's good.
(IN RISING PANIC)
Oh...
ohh...
Ohh!
(FRIGHTENED SCREAMING)
♪
Oh...
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
PETER: No.
Oh, God.
Oh, f...
♪
Ohh!
Oh, shit!
Oh, oh...
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
♪
MARIE:
Snake for snake.
♪
PETER:
You don't even know me.
You don't know me,
all you know is
what you read
in the search engine.
(WOMEN WHISPERING)
♪
Thank you so much
for this exclusive.
Confession?
I'm a big fan, um...
But this is just business.
Well, flattery'll
get you everywhere.
My business is my pleasure.
MARIE: Oh!
‐ What is this?
MARIE: Um... great.
LILITH: Yeah!
MARIE:
So let's get started, okay.
When did your love affair
with food start?
LILITH: Why don't you ask me
what you really wanna ask me?
♪
I don't know what you mean.
PETER: Okay, fuck no,
you guys, come on.
You're family,
for Christ's sake.
This is wrong on so many levels,
what it--
what is happening?
MARIE: Uh-- um...
Oh-- oh please,
can we just, um...
stick to the interview?
LILITH: (WHISPERING)
Come on, this is the interview.
Look, I--I...
can we just
keep it on the level?
Yeah, yeah.
MARIE: I'm really not comfortable
with where this is--
LILITH: Okay, okay, hey.
Seriously?
How long you been
chasing this exclusive?
I mean, who the fuck
do you write for?
Who's reading this shit?
Come on.
No, no, no, no, you assholes.
I'm your brass ring.
("I'M YOUR BRASS RING" ECHOES)
No, that's not how it happened.
That's not how it happened.
This-- can you please
cut that out?
Cut--cut that out.
Ow! Cunt!
You fucking bit me!
♪
Unquote.
♪
She don't wanna fuck you, Peter.
Just because
she's a fan of your work
doesn't mean
you get to touch her.
Here, or here...
It's not okay.
It's never been okay.
Look at the tits.
Check the tits, bro.
Hey, how about a giant
obvious newsflash
for you two
certifiable loony bins:
There's two sides
to every story, okay?
She chased that exclusive
for weeks.
She met me at a bar.
MARIE: You told her
to meet you there!
(FURIOUSLY)
She brought a recorder
and a fucking legal pad!
She flirted her ass off with me
the whole time.
And then, she had
the balls to bite me,
because she was a crazy bitch!
(SCOFFS)
You wanna see something
really fucking crazy?
Oh boy.
♪
(INVOCATION, BONES CRUNCHING)
What's happening?
You pissed off a witch, Peter.
And Marie fucks with voodoo, so...
PETER: Oh, shit.
(MURMURING AND SHUDDERING)
♪
(SHRIEKING)
PETER: Oh God. Oh God, help me.
Please, please help me.
(PETER SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
(COMMAND IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
♪
Not yet, Marie.
It's too soon.
(BONES CRUNCHING)
He fucking asked for it.
KARA: I have no doubt.
(EERIE MUSIC)
You are officially
on borrowed time.
♪
LILITH: Oh boy,
look at that.
Look what you did.
You pissed yourself.
Now you're gonna have to
lay there in your own sauce
and I'm gonna have to smell it.
Still, you're lucky.
I wouldn't have stopped her.
All that spitfire
just makes me melt.
Why do you think
I asked her to marry me?
She checks all my boxes.
That is disgusting.
‐ Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that a bridge too far?
Oh, shit! So it's just
all lies, huh?
God, you don't even have a kid.
LILITH:
Don't be ridiculous.
(GASPS)
LILITH: Hmph.
My daughter graduated
cum laude last year,
and that was after the assault.
Luckily, that monster
was still able
to play in a bowl game.
Hasn't seemed to have affected
his draft status one bit.
Thank God she had
the courage to come forward.
(WHIMPERING)
(PANTING)
LILITH: What are you thinking?
♪
There we go.
♪
Hey.
Stick around for act two.
That's when we castrate you.
(WHIMPERING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
No peeking!
♪
ELENA:
¡Hola!
♪
(CRUNCHING)
♪
That's a nice--
that's a nice color.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it!
We thought it would
look good with your skin tone.
You ready to become
Pretty Peter?
(BOTTLE SQUIRTS SPRAY)
Are you excited to head back
to the Philippines in shackles?
(CHUCKLES)
Wow. This motherfucker--
you know I'm Puerto Rican!
You wanna talk about shackles?
You know, when Puerto Rico
was still a Spanish colony,
women's rights were unheard of
and their contributions
to the island's society
were limited, to put it mildly.
Even though Puerto Rican women
were actively participating
in the revolt
against the Spaniards,
and nobody can rape and
pillage like the Spanish,
am I right?
Relax.
I'm just texturizing.
Will you pout, please?
‐ Will you eat a dick?
That's rude.
ELANA:
Believe it or not,
I'm as American as
apple‐motherfucking‐pie.
My great‐grandmother
served our great country
in the war against Hitler
and his allies.
What a patriot!
I'm sorry that the courage
skipped your generation.
But I am grateful
for her service, truly.
ELENA:
Are you?
Mm‐hm.
The way you're grateful
for the service of,
I don't know,
your female kitchen staff?
You ever hear of equal pay
for equal work,
you pasty piece of shit?
And how many of them
have you slept with, huh?
Including the one you fired.
Marta Dominguez.
Single mother of two,
and that was enough
brown babies for this world,
as far as you were concerned.
Yeah, we came to
that decision together.
(ELENA CHORTLES)
Together?
Then why settle?
That one cost you 20 grand.
Big money for one
of your employees.
Isn't this beneath you, Morgan?
Didn't you people
invent manners?
He means the English.
None of this shit flies
across the Pond.
This is strictly
American awfulness
at its worst.
First of all, Peter,
the utter shite
that you've been doing
your entire life is part of
an international pandemic.
ELENA: Ooh, good word.
‐ Yeah. And second,
do you know a thing about
(EXAGGERATES) fuckin' witchcraft
and its fuckin' origins?
Nice. Come on, I'm...
trying to talk to you
like a human,
and you're mocking me and
you're wrapping your finger
around a trigger like a bully.
You're a real wanker
when you're frightened,
do you know that?
Yeah, I'm frightened, Morgan.
(SIGHS)
I'm scared, 'cause
I've been kidnapped and...
accused,
and convicted and sentenced
by strangers, and I--
I have a daughter named Riley.
MORGAN:
Yeah, but Peter,
great change comes
with the destruction
of existing rules.
What?
My sister's skin is my own,
my sister's heart is my own,
and my sister's future
is my own.
Oh, shit,
she's in training, huh?
This is your first time,
isn't it?
In your dreams.
PETER: No, not in my dreams,
right now.
I know you.
I grew up with you.
Morgan.
You're just like my sister.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
You're desperate for acceptance.
I have a brother.
He makes
cheese‐and‐onion sandwiches
and they're the tits.
You still couldn't
shine his shoes.
Who was it that destroyed
your self‐esteem so completely
that you are willing
to pledge the worst sorority
in history?
♪
Was it your dad?
ELENA:
That's enough, pendejo.
Every asshole
says he's an asshole
because his father
was an asshole.
No te dejes que te meta
en la cabeza.
It's just dead skin.
PETER:
Morgan, come on.
Make one decision for yourself
in your life.
‐ Fuck you!
You know nothing about my life!
Welcome to the
fucking game, bitch!
(INTENSE MUSIC)
(GRUNTS)
ELENA: Oh, shit!
Ah! Oww!
♪
(PANTING)
(BUSY SIGNAL)
Star... six... nine.
LONNIE: Hello?
‐Lonnie-- Lonnie, it's Peter.
I'm a hostage of witches.
I tried 911 already,
it's busy, can you believe--
You just made this
a lot more painful
for yourself, Peter.
♪
(BLADE CLATTERS)
(STRUGGLING)
♪
(DARK MUSIC)
♪
(METAL CREAKING)
♪
KARA:
Lonnie?
That's my name,
don't wear it out.
KARA: God, it's so late,
you freaked me out there
for a second.
♪
Right.
I don't live here.
Peter invited us ladies
over for dinner.
Our power went out
and he took pity on us.
♪
Peter called me at the shop,
he sounded pretty shook up.
Lonnie, Peter's fine.
He was just yanking your chain.
Like when we were kids?
Oh, but we're not kids anymore.
KARA: He was a bully, Lonnie.
I'm sorry if he ever
made you feel like you were--
Dumb?
I'm not dumb.
‐ I know you're not.
♪
Hmm, you probably should
turned more lights on,
if you really
wanted me to believe
that you were inside
having supper.
(GUN COCKS)
I'll come in and
take a look around.
Lonnie...
AGNES:
Go home, boy.
This doesn't concern you.
‐ Mother...
I got this handled,
go on back to bed.
♪
What did I tell you
about that thing, huh?
What'd I say?
♪
Something's not right here.
♪
AGNES: You love your mother?
‐ 'Course I do.
AGNES:
All right.
Then you take this
and you go home.
Everything's under control.
You just forget
you were ever here.
♪
(ENGINE STARTS)
♪
Your timing is impeccable.
♪
Does Peter know?
Peter and Gwen were
just babies themselves.
Why'd you have to
keep it a secret?
♪
Because the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
♪
Oh my God.
Peter's father?
♪
Go back in there
and finish what you started.
And no more fuck‐ups.
♪
ELENA: Hey, man.
What the fuck?
LILITH:
That was enlightening.
ELENA: Gimme the keys,
I'll take care of it.
MARIE: I'll call shotgun.
KARA: None of that
will be necessary.
ELENA: Oh, oh, really?
Tell that
to my fucking forehead.
KARA: We should've cast
a stronger spell.
♪
We actually underestimated you.
♪
Crate training's over.
Oh, cuckoo, cuckoo!
What a beautiful color.
ELENA: Yeah, I like the way
your titties look
in that top, baby.
(CATCALLING AND WHISTLING)
Look, really?
Your sister's clothes?
I mean, isn't she
rolling in her grave?
We're going on a witch hunt.
You get it?
Levels.
It's really more
of us hunting you
as opposed to you hunting us.
It's a twist on an old classic.
Vámonos, gringo.
‐ (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
LILITH:
Come on, jog on!
Go, Pe‐ter!
Can I just shoot him in the bollocks?
ELENA: Hmm.
Go Peter, go!
PETER: Oh! Come on!
Please, please.
Please stop this.
She had a soul.
Ten...
MARIE: (WHISPERING) You better run, boy.
Hey! Okay, sorry.
Nine...
PETER: Okay.
KARA: Eight...
MARIE: (WHISPERING) Go Peter, go!
KARA: Seven...
(TENSE RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
(HOWLING, BARKING)
♪
Sh-- shit.
(PETER'S FOOTSTEPS ECHO)
♪
(PETER MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY)
♪
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
Marta Dominguez.
She don't wanna fuck you...
Peter.
♪
(WHISPERING)
We were teenagers,
okay?
♪
PETER: (FRANTICALLY)
Help! Help!
Help me!
Help me!
Hel-- Oh, shit!
Gwen! Gwen!
Gwen! Wait!
Oh thank God, it's you!
GWEN: Peter, what is--
Fuck! Go, go, go!
Peter, what--
‐ Fuckin' drive, Gwen, fuckin' drive!
Okay, okay!
PETER: Shit!
♪
Are you gonna tell me
what's going on?
What the hell are you wearing?
Fuckin' bitch witches tortured me.
Fuckin' took me hostage.
The put a spell
on my limbs, Gwen!
Goddamn, they took my hair,
took my blood.
They put makeup on my face,
look at my face!
Slow down, okay? Just--
I can't slow down, Gwen.
They're blaming me
for Becca's suicide.
Yeah.
You know Kara, her sister?
Well, she's the lady Manson,
she's the ringleader.
And they've been following me,
and they know some deep,
deep personal secrets.
They're stalking me
and we need to go,
and we need to go
to the cops now.
Oh, fuck!
They were gonna cut my dick off.
Fuck!
I said they could fix you,
not "fix" you.
What in the living shit
did you just say to me?
GWEN: You heard me.
You did this to me?
Gwen-- ‐ I didn't want to!
Okay? But you just--
you left me no choice,
because it's happening
all over again, and--
Oh yeah, you better be upset.
'Cause you have
scarred me for life
and you are my goddamned sister!
Yeah, I was your sister
when you raped my best friend
in our fucking treehouse!
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
Rape? Did you just say
"rape" to me?
Holy shit, Gwen,
I don't even know
what that fuckin' word
means anymore.
Nobody does, okay?
We were kids.
I was a teenager, I was drunk,
I was fuckin' naked,
it was a blurry mess
that happened a lifetime ago!
No, it's a blurry mess
to you, Peter.
It's a lifetime ago to you!
Like I said, I was drunk.
‐ No!
No, you always
have an excuse, Peter,
and you always get away with it,
and it is not just with Becca,
because there have been
too many others,
what about the journalist
that interviewed you
a few years ago, right?
Hm, what did you do to her?
Huh, Peter?
Or the women on your staff,
or the new one
that your lawyer's
fixing for you right now,
what were the--
what were the marching orders
this time?
Is it "Oh, she auditioned
for a reality show,
so she just must be
a gold‐digging whore," right?
Isn't that the company line?
♪
(SLOWLY AND CALMLY)
You hurt Becca
and no one believed her story,
because you were perfect, Peter,
and you called her a liar,
so that's what she was.
And over time,
it just ate her alive.
♪
And I defended you
because you're my brother,
not because I believed you,
because I didn't.
And that's just
my cross to bear.
♪
(WHISPERING)
Yeah, okay, you're...
you're right.
I'm sorry.
(TENSE MUSIC)
PETER: You have to drive right now.
You have to drive right now!
They're fuckin' witches!
Did they tell you they're fuckin' witches?
GWEN: No, Peter! Stop it!
Listen to yourself!
♪
(HORRIFIED)
What the fuck? Okay.
They did not say
anything about that.
I'm gonna call Kara, and--
PETER: No-- no, don't!
That's Kara!
(GLASS SHATTERS, SCREAMING)
♪
No! No!
(SCREAMING)
GWEN: (FRANTICALLY)
Peter, help me! Peter! Peter!
PETER: (DESPERATELY SCREAMING)
Gwen! Gwen!
(INCANTATION BEING CHANTED)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Oh, my... my hands...
♪
(IN TERROR)
No! No!
(TENSE RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
Ah! No!
♪
Noo!
♪
(PIERCING SCREAM)
(BIRDSONG)
(PANTING)
(YELLING)
Gwen, are you here?
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(INDISTINCT DEMONIC VOICE)
♪
(MUSIC DISTORTS)
♪
(PHONE RINGING)
♪
(PANTING)
(PHONE RINGING)
♪
KARA: Good morning, dear.
Where's my sister?
KARA: That's sweet.
Gwen woke up in her own bed.
She'll have no memory
of what happened here, so
unless you want her or
anyone else, for that matter,
to think you belong
in an asylum,
I suggest you take
our little adventure
with you to the grave.
♪
What did you do to me?
For Becca.
♪
For Becca.
♪
For Becca.
♪
KARA: You fuck up once,
you even think of hurting
anyone ever again,
we will bury you.
You'll never see it coming.
(ROAR OF FLAMES)
♪
Are we clear?
♪
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
KARA: We'll be watching, Peter.
(INHALING SHARPLY)
(LINE GOES DEAD)
♪
Well, that was easy.
Stockholm syndrome, anyone?
He said thank you.
That was clutch.
ELENA: Stakes.
(PETER MOANS)
MARIE: Charges?
(GLASS SHATTERING,
SCREAMING "NO, GWEN!")
LILITH: Definitely day drinking,
right?
(FLAME ROARS, SCREAM)
(PANTING)
GWEN: Jesus!
A hell of a party trick.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Keep your phone on.
He'll call you.
Not right away, but...
he'll call.
‐ Right.
You nailed that, by the way.
Oh my God.
I was so nervous
that he was gonna
jump out of the car
or push me out of the car
before we got to the spot.
Then I just...
I lost my shit.
I mean, I really lost it.
You were the perfect closer.
(TENDER MUSIC)
I'm so sorry, Kara.
I think about her
every single day.
♪
(TEARFULLY)
Yeah, me too.
♪
(WEEPING)
♪
(MOUTHS)
Oh God.
♪
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
♪
I'm so sorry.
♪
AGNES: These sheets smell like piss.
(CHUCKLING)
Final verdict on
the micro dosing, ladies?
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
Well, the Datura was
definitely the right species.
It's a nasty little fucker.
But we coulda used more.
That's on me. Yeah, I'm just
growing into my alchemy.
It's a delicate balance,
'cause you want him to go limp
and see shit but not die, right?
Well, I just wanna say
thank you, obviously.
When Kara first called me,
I admit I was skeptical.
But it sounds like
you really reached him.
♪
Or he's just scared and thinks
we put voodoo on his dick.
Maybe.
But maybe not.
GWEN: Well, it makes a difference
to me.
He's my whole family.
You don't know him like I do.
(SOFTLY KNOCKING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Well, we all have reasons
for being here, right?
♪
My wedding is in three hours,
Peter.
How can you possibly
justify coming here?
For one minute.
I need to see
our daughter, please.
One minute,
and that's it.
Okay.
‐ Jesus, you look like shit.
♪
Dad, what are you doing?
You okay?
‐ Yeah, um...
could we go for a walk?
Yeah.
‐ Thank you.
♪
To draining the swamp,
one bad hombre at a time.
(WOMEN AGREE, CHEER)
KARA: I think we can all drink to that.
(GLASSES CLINK)
AGNES: Little stingy
on the bubbly,
I'm gonna need three of these.
♪
PETER: (WHISPERS)
Amazing!
♪
I've taken for granted
how precious you are and...
and you let me get away
with it every time,
but I don't want you
to do that anymore.
Not for me, not for any man.
♪
No more lies, baby, okay?
And I'm never
gonna miss a thing.
And I'll be at every soccer
game from here on out,
and I'm gonna be carrying
one of those big plastic bags
of orange slices
like those other parents do, okay?
Oh my God, Dad.
Are you dying?
No, no, no, baby.
I think maybe I should have.
♪
But I'm still here,
which makes me the luckiest man
on the planet.
Riley, I love you...
so much.
♪
I will see you tomorrow.
Not next weekend, tomorrow,
okay?
♪
♪
♪
What is this?
What, are you dying
or something?
♪
Laura, I'm so sorry I failed you
on every conceivable level.
It wasn't just me.
♪
Hey, Peter.
(STAMMERING)
Hi-- hi, hello.
Uh... do we know each other?
We do now.
(OMINOUS RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
♪
Be good.
♪
♪ Go to sleep
underneath the covers ♪
♪ Oh, dreams will find you ♪
♪ Will find you ♪
♪ Will find you ♪
♪ Close your eyes,
let the dark surround you ♪
♪ Sounds in the night,
voices in a bad dream ♪
♪ I hear voices
in a bad dream ♪
♪ I hear voices ♪♪
♪
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(CREAKING)
♪
(DISTORTED SCREAM)
♪
♪
(BUZZES)
♪
("SEVENTEEN," SJOWGREN)
♪
PETER: Why-- you have to--
why are you doing it like that?
You have to fold, fold, okay?
♪ I know I can't ♪
We have very little time, left.
Please.
♪ I can't be everything ♪
♪ All in one ♪
♪ All in one ♪
♪
♪ Just the one for you ♪
♪ We make up, up some pieces ♪
Holy shit, you guys!
He's cooking something,
it's water,
but congratulations.
There's heat involved.
It's cooking!
Fuck!
♪ I'm not in a hurry,
not going nowhere ♪
♪ Yeah ♪♪
♪
(SIGHS)
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)
Who won the polenta challenge?
PETER:
We shoot that later, okay?
But if it is up to me,
none of those people,
because they're just--
they're all so awful
at cooking in general.
Please, please
don't fall off my bar.
Okay, look,
I'm just spitballing here.
PETER: Mm‐hm,
sock it to me.
I want it.
You be my plus one.
You want me to crash
your mom's wedding?
Come here, come here.
Hey.
RILEY:
But it's gonna be so weird.
PETER:
Sit down.
Mouse, I wasn't invited, okay?
Ex‐spouses
don't usually make the cut.
ASSISTANT:
Copy that.
Hey, five minutes, Mr. Rake.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Riley, uh...
your mom loves you very much.
And I love you very, very much,
not that it's a competition.
But listen to me.
Nothing's gonna change
after this weekend.
Okay?
Except your mom's new last name
will be "Geck."
That's unfortunate.
So, I think we should just
give them this day
and then next weekend,
you and me?
We take on the world.
Okay?
Well, how about
we start tonight?
Darnell Park just cut the ribbon
on a new mini golf course.
And why do you think
I gave Katie instructions
to have you there by 6 PM
so that you can see
the sun setting
behind the freshly painted,
sized‐to‐scale windmill?
Hey buddy.
♪
Come on, not this weekend, man.
PETER: Okay.
Hey, one sec.
Oh! Okay.
PETER: Look, do I want to be the one
that golfs with you?
Of course.
I just have so much work to do
this weekend,
and you deserve better
than my distracted company,
okay?
Yeah, well, your company's
often distracted.
I handed that one to you, okay?
I gave that to you for free.
Had a bow on it.
PETER:
Next Saturday,
you, me, Darnell Park.
Okay, but I have a soccer game
next Saturday.
It was a test.
Congratulations, you've passed.
What I meant to say is
next Sunday
will be off the chain.
Never say "off the chain."
PETER: Whatever's clever.
‐ Don't.
I don't know what plays anymore.
Babe, what plays?
Tell me.
Okay, well, "rad" 's back.
Oh! Katie, "rad" 's back.
Did you know that?
KATIE: "Rad" 's back!
Yeah. You are so rad.
Yeah, well,
your floppy hair is rad.
♪
Hey, um, please drive carefully
because this is
my most precious cargo,
and, uh, call me
if anything goes sideways,
and would you please
feed yourselves?
Thanks.
Have a great weekend.
We got this.
PETER: Of course. Mm‐hm.
Yup.
You are my only.
I need you.
Bye!
Okay.
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
‐(PHONE BEEPS)
‐(INHALES)
Barry, I have
done what you've asked,
and I am skipping town
for the weekend, okay?
Now please tell me
what you're doing,
and, spoiler alert, it better
have some fuckin' teeth.
(NO AUDIO)
("THOUGHT MESSAGES," HANK DOGS)
♪
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
(NO AUDIO)
♪
(NO AUDIO)
♪
(NO AUDIO)
♪
(NO AUDIO)
♪
♪ Cross the black seas
and sands ♪
♪ Though it may curse
ample spaces ♪
♪
♪ Sending thought messages ♪
♪
♪ Telling me
to get out of there ♪
♪
♪ She looked as if she had
one ounce of my spark ♪
♪
♪ She'd take this world apart
and... ♪
♪ Make a pretty big mark ♪
♪
WOMAN:
Hey.
You got a light?
PETER:
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hm.
(INSECTS BUZZING)
Keep it.
Trying to quit.
We're all trying to quit.
I'll treat her
like she was my own.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
‐Ooh, hey.
‐Ooh, sorry.
It's okay.
Thank you.
(WHISPERING)
All right.
BRIDESMAID 1:
Ready, let's go.
BRIDESMAID 2:
Wow.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, let's go.
It's not enough.
‐No, it's good.
‐What?
Wait, what kind of beer is that?
Hold this, someone.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I am with you,
but also you don't want them
to think you make suits
out of lady skins, right?
BRIDESMAID 1:
Yes, let's go.
(ENGINE REVS)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(SHARP INHALE)
MAN:
Whoa.
No way.
Peter Rake.
Yeah, yes, I am,
I am Chef Peter in the flesh.
Uh...
Oh, holy shit.
Holy shit, you used to work here
in high school, didn't you?
Um...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Lenny.
♪
Lonnie.
♪
This is, um...
It's all mine now.
Oh, wow!
Booya, man, this is...
this is really great for you.
♪
Yeah, my dad kicked the bucket
a few years back.
The cancer ate him up.
Shit, I'm sorry to hear that,
man.
It's okay.
He was a mean son of a bitch.
Well, you know, the same thing
happened to my old man,
and he wasn't much
of a prize either.
Yeah.
So now it's just me and Mother.
"Mother," huh?
You guys think about
diversifying a little bit?
Maybe you could add a few rooms,
poke some tiny holes
in the wall,
call it Bait Motel, huh?
Lonnie, what's--what's down here?
Is this where you keep
the baskets
and the washing, huh?
♪
Sorry, that was stupid. It's--
The place looks great,
it really does.
You know, you have bins,
stills just filled with bait.
It's exactly the same.
It's--it's great.
Yeah, sister used to come around
pretty regular for a while.
(PETER WHISPERING)
Oh, my sister, that's right.
Tell you what,
I'll take a pack of Kools
and--and keep the change.
‐ It's on me.
PETER: No, that's ridiculous.
Your money's no good here.
These...
These are perfect,
and that's-- that's sweet.
Thank you, sir.
Um, hey, um,
I'm gonna tell Gwen that, uh--
LONNIE:
Wait, um...
Is she here?
♪
No, no, she's not.
She--she hardly ever
makes it down here.
She never--
she never makes it back.
But I'm gonna tell her that--
LONNIE:
Lonnie says...
(HIGH‐PITCHED)
♪ Hey Gwennie ♪
♪
Yeah, she's gonna love that.
♪
Thanks, man.
♪
(SIGHS)
♪
(CRINKLING)
♪
Hey Zan.
♪
Hey Jayna.
♪
(PETER SIGHS)
♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
♪
GWEN: Oh, we are so Wonder Twinning
right there.
PETER: Speaking of our youth, uh...
Agnes was what, 60 years old
when we were kids,
which would put her at,
right now,
at least a solid hunge, right?
A hunge and a deuce?
GWEN: Yeah.
And she would still
whoop your ass.
(DOOR OPENS)
He'll be upstairs,
your father's old office.
It's a bedroom now.
(WHISPERING)
Thank God.
I would rather sleep outside
than in our dead parents'
stone cold bed.
(LOUDLY) Hey, Agnes,
please, please, please.
You don't have to carry
my--my bag up the stairs.
Can I just--can I get you
a weekend at a Nordic spa
or something?
No.
(WHISPERING)
Okay.
GWEN: So how's my one
and only niece?
Whoa.
Here you go.
GWEN: Oh my God.
‐ Uh huh.
GWEN: Are you kidding me?
‐ I'm not kidding you.
She is 11
going on Michelle Obama.
Oh, I follow her on Instagram,
but she doesn't really
do selfies.
I've racked my brains,
I can't figure out
where she gets
the humility from.
Gwen, I don't know.
Not me.
‐ No, not you.
(SIGHS)
So that's it?
Really?
Just a couple recipes
and a few breaths of fresh air?
That's all that's going on here?
I mean, you have no idea
how fucked up it's been
not seeing you
and not hearing from you.
PETER: I'd argue I know exactly
how fucked up it's been.
My number hasn't changed.
(WHISPERING)
You know?
I'm the one who went through
a divorce, right?
I'm the one that wasn't welcome
at Dad's funeral.
Yeah, okay, point taken.
Okay.
You remember what you said to me
the last time?
I was going through some shit,
Gwen, okay?
And then Dad cuts me out,
but I needed you
to fuckin' have--
Have your back no matter what.
(WHISPERING)
Yeah.
Mm.
(PETER SIGHS)
Yeah, how have you been?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
How have you been, you know?
You're just still
fightin' the good fight?
Mm‐hm.
Datin' anybody?
With all the free time I have?
Ah, shit.
(WHISPERING)
Guess who else is single?
Colin Farrell?
PETER: Not even close.
Lonnie from high school.
Bunny boiler Lonnie.
Yeah.
He's running the bait shop
all by himself now.
Wow.
PETER: I know.
I have not thought about him
in a very long time.
Well, I mean, Christ,
I would be worried if you had.
But he does-- he does say...
(HIGH‐PITCHED)
♪ Hey Gwennie ♪
So you've got that
going for you.
Okay?
‐ You spoke to him?
I did, and he still has
that sweet butt chin.
Okay, stop that.
PETER: It's nice, okay.
He was just trying to be
my friend, you know that.
But you played the tuba
in marching band.
Gwen, hanging out with Lonnie
would have been
the final death nail
in your high school shit coffin.
(LAUGHS)
You're welcome.
(SETS DOWN GLASS)
So why now?
You know, I miss you.
You're the other half
of my very special brain.
(LAUGHS)
Come on.
I'm right here.
Just talk to me.
It's the fuckin' internet.
You can't...
(SIGHS)
I'm an easy target.
Gwen, you know this,
you know this.
We vet these people
the best way we can,
but, oh, God,
heads are gonna roll.
Mark my words,
you mess with the bull...
You get the horns.
Got it.
PETER: No, you don't got it.
That's why we haven't spoken
for three years, Gwen.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Shit.
Hm?
I gotta take this.
Oh, okay.
GWEN: Andy,
what have you got?
♪
AGNES: You hungry?
‐ Uh...
are we farmers, Agnes?
What are you going on about?
I'm talking about Black Phillip
prancing about the...
♪
Okay, well...
never mind, but...
Good to see you, boy.
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERING)
Agnes.
God, you are such a bad liar.
You're gonna hate me.
"Hate" is a strong
and sticky word.
I have to leave.
Oh?
GWEN: Yeah.
The, um, lead detective
in my double homicide
just picked up
the second shooter.
They're saying
he's willing to talk,
but only to the DA,
which happens to be me.
You?
That's incredible.
(WHISPERING) That's fucking--
that's incredible.
When, when?
‐ Five months.
‐ Oh my...
Yeah, I wanted to call you,
but--
Shit, my sister is the DA.
You're not fucking kidding me?
We have to celebrate.
Let's celebrate.
‐ No, we will.
We will, I promise, I promise.
Yeah, I wanted to spend
the whole weekend with you.
Okay, well, there's-- you know,
there's endless weekends.
‐ Really?
‐ If I have my way, yes.
(PETER EXHALES)
‐ Okay.
(PETER STIFLING A LAUGH)
Well, I will call with updates.
‐ Please do.
‐ Um...
‐ Okay, bye.
‐ Oh, yeah.
(PETER GRUNTING)
‐ (GWEN LAUGHS)
Thanks.
‐ All right.
(SIGHS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
♪
(DEEP INHALE)
(EXHALES)
♪
(BIRD CAWING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
Hey, Ags, whatever happened
to the gentle, Bob Ross‐esque
Alaskan landscape
that used to adorn this wall?
Your father moved it
when he took up painting.
It's pretty much all he did
towards the end.
That one's his.
Oh.
Nice.
But also, what the actual fuck?
His pieces were all about
the fragility of life.
♪
How was his funeral?
Cold.
That's fitting.
♪
Uh, hey, Ags?
♪
I don't mean any offense,
but have you ever thought about
having a doctor take a look
at those...
sweet peepers?
What for?
It's the things I can't unsee
that keep me up at night.
♪
(RUSTLING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
‐(MUTTERS)
‐(PHONE RINGING)
PETER: Ags, could you get the phone,
please?
♪
Shit!
♪
(PETER SIGHS)
♪
Oh, fuck you, man.
(SOFT CRUNCH)
(PHONE RINGING)
♪
Shit.
Hello?
LONNIE: Hi Peter.
It's Lonnie.
From Bait and Tackle.
I know who you are, Lonnie.
Um, didn't know this number
was listed, though.
Was that-- was that you
that was calling earlier?
Buddy?
LONNIE: Earlier?
Mm, no that wasn't me.
You--you sure you weren't
calling me before, Lonnie?
LONNIE: I just wanted to make sure
you're okay.
Yeah, no, I'm okay.
Thank you, man, I'm just--
it's quick in, out, you know?
Pickin' up a few things, so...
(INHALES)
Lonnie, you still there?
LONNIE:
You did really good, Peter.
On TV and everything.
I'm just really happy for you.
Okay.
(DIAL TONE)
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Shit.
♪
BARRY: Yo, Pete,
it's Barry.
Uh... look dude, after doing
some more recon,
I'm confident we'll be able
to settle this, okay?
It's basically rinse and repeat.
There's no reason to drag
this one through the mud
unless you're willing
to go on record,
which I certainly
wouldn't advise.
Uh, you can holler back
if you want me to bill you
my weekend rate. Uh...
♪
Look, dude, just try to relax.
Don't go down any rabbit holes
on the web, all right?
Ciao.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRRING)
PETER:
Hi, can I help you?
WOMAN:
Hi.
Didn't I see you back at
the Bait and Tackle?
Yes, yes, and I saw you.
There--there was a--
there was a moment.
It was brief, but we shared it.
Hi, I'm Peter.
Kara.
I'm-- I'm really sorry
to bother you.
We're just--we're in a pickle.
Cross the canyon lost power,
back‐up Jenny pooped out.
It's putting a-- a big damper
on bachelorette weekend.
So it's--
‐ You need flashlights,
candles, and SPAM.
‐ You read my mind.
‐ Okay, come on in.
Let's uh, see what we've got.
Or you stay right there
and I will bring
the items to you.
You don't know if I'm Ted Bundy,
do you?
Uh, but I have to warn you,
it might take me, like, a minute
to find the items
we're discussing
because I have not been home
since Rusted Root was the shit.
You know what, Peter,
it's-- it's cold.
I'm cold, and that's on me.
So lead the way.
Okay.
Uh, we can leave this door open.
You know, you do have
his cheekbones.
Whose cheekbones?
Ted Bundy.
PETER:
You are sharp.
It only takes a spark
but we need more.
Oh...
That's not a closet.
It's not.
Good to know.
It's good to know.
I'm flying blind here.
I'm so sorry.
That's all right.
This place is--
PETER:
Awful, tacky?
Everything that's wrong
with old money?
There's just no accounting
for taste.
You know what?
I was gonna say "beautiful."
I mean,
the views are incredible.
PETER:
Okay.
So, uh, you are a musician, huh?
I read minds.
Plus, I noticed the calluses
on your fingertips,
which is a sure sign
the young lady plays
the six strings.
KARA: Yeah,
I make the big bucks
playing coffee shops
and used book stores, so...
eat a lot of ramen.
I can appreciate that.
(PETER INHALES)
Just like you can appreciate
♪ these ♪
KARA: Peter?
‐ Yes?
I know a handful of ladies
who are gonna think
you're a real prince.
Ribbit.
(KARA LAUGHS)
♪
Uh, you have my number if things
deteriorate in a meaningful way.
KARA: I do, neighbor.
Or, you know,
maybe I'll just run out of milk.
♪
(MAN VOCALIZING)
♪
(MAN VOCALIZING)
♪
(MAN VOCALIZING)
♪
(EERIE SOUNDS)
♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
(YAWNING)
(INHALES)
(SLAPS THIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(SNIFFS)
Good morning, you old bastard.
("THE TRIP," STILL CORNERS)
♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
♪
No rest for the weary, huh?
I'm in my prime, asshole.
(PETER LAUGHING)
♪
(MUSIC SLOWS AND DISTORTS)
(DISTORTED SCREAM)
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
WOMAN (ECHOING):
Please, please. No, no.
Wait.
(WHISPERING VOICES)
WOMAN (DISTANT):
Peter!
Peter!
(LOUDER)
Peter!
♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PANTING)
‐ Hey.
‐ Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
I didn't--
I didn't see the ear buds.
Everything makes sense now.
‐ Yeah.
No, I'm totally not deaf.
Uh, welcome to The Shire.
Oh, yeah.
Cool tree house.
‐ Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Man, can't believe that thing
is still standing.
Me and my sister used to
basically move in there
every summer.
Now, some jerk has put
a weird thing on the thing,
but, hey,
how did you guys make out?
How did you fare?
KARA:
Oh, not great.
The electrician can't get out
till Monday.
But...
‐ Shit.
Lemonade out of lemons.
Last night ended up
being really fun.
‐ Oh, nice.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Hi tortoises.
BRIDE: It's not a God damn race.
While you were jogging
getting swamp ass,
we were sharing
our hopes and dreams.
That's right,
we keep it on the 100.
PETER: Oh.
‐ Marie, Elena,
like a good neighbor,
Peter was there.
Yeah, that was dope, man.
PETER:
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's the least I could do.
Uh, and if I were
to take a shot in the dark,
would presume that you are
the soon‐to‐be kept woman.
Have you ever Googled
"kept woman"?
You familiar with
the Urban Dictionary?
Oh shit.
I'm sorry,
I thought that was a--
that was an okay phrase.
Um, I--I did not mean
to offend you and--
I'm just playing with you.
(LAUGHING)
‐ Solid.
‐ Saw his face?
The blood just drained.
That was nice.
Oh my God, I recognize you.
No, I'm not Amy Adams.
People do-- ‐ No, no, no.
You're that chef.
I seen you on TV.
PETER: Yeah, mm‐hm.
You have that show that's, like,
a facsimile of another show
with a more famous chef?
Thank you if you meant that
sweetly in any way.
And I don't think you did.
But still, thank you
for recognizing me.
Um, so what are you guys
gonna do?
We're gonna stay.
It's like glamping.
Oh, okay, so you're gonna
make some lemonade?
Okay, well,
we thrown in the towel.
Translation,
if we don't get back,
Mom and Morgan will smoke
all of our weed.
PETER: Mm.
Thanks for the fire,
Chef Boyardee.
Check you later.
Come on up and take it easy.
Pray for Puerto Rico.
PETER: Okay.
KARA: See you in a few.
PETER:
Aw, Chef Boyardee.
That's funny.
‐ So you, uh, you run?
When chased, yes.
And quickly.
I think you're being modest.
That headband didn't cut itself
off your favorite old tee.
‐ This old thing?
KARA: Mm‐hm.
Hey, I have a--
I have a crazy idea.
You want to freeze the lake
so we can curl all weekend?
I really do want to do that.
That's a-- but first,
I want to cook for you
and your friends.
Uh, and before you say anything,
uh, I just want to let you know
you'd be doing me a huge solid
'cause I have, I don't know,
three or four recipes
I need to work out
for my new most likely
bestselling cookbook.
Humble brag.
And you want us
as your guinea pigs
in your big fancy house?
‐ Well.
What time would this theoretical
multi‐course feast kick off?
Um, well, I--I do find
that sunset pairs just perfectly
with an amuse‐bouche.
Any "bouche," really.
♪
("STAY HAPPY,"
BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE)
♪
♪ Ags, Ags, Ags, Ags, Ags, Ags ♪
♪ Ags got one potato ♪
Gotta take our shoes off.
I don't want to take
our shoes off.
You know what I mean?
Maybe it's one of those houses
where you have to take
your shoes off.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪
‐ Hi.
PETER: Welcome, ladies.
I think you'll find
ample electric light.
Oh, look at
all this white privilege.
PETER:
Help yourself.
MARIE: Hi.
PETER: Hi.
This is my mom, Lilith.
Hello, you, again.
‐ Well, you lit up my life.
‐ Thank you.
You helped me quit smoking.
‐ Oh, well.
You know the family resemblance
is striking, you two.
LILITH:
Oh, I know.
Well, one night
with Desmond Tutu
changed my life forever.
That's fun, you're fun.
‐ We are fun.
‐ You are.
KARA: This painting.
PETER: Oh, I know.
I'm sorry-- Agnes?
You know, I asked her
to take that down
because it is so morbid.
‐ Oh, I like it.
‐ Me too.
I like it.
Once you step back, you know,
and you kind of let
the folksy layers--
You rang?
Agnes, please meet our guests.
Agnes.
Ah, she's a bit like Master Po
from Kung Fu.
Is that okay?
Good.
Hi Peter, I'm Morgan.
Hello.
Marie and I met backpacking
across Devon.
Bonded over the last bag
of trail mix
and here I am.
Supplementing the nups
with a touch of class.
Touch.
PETER: Oh, that's nice.
I bet you've got tons of that
despite your--your fragile stature.
Lovely home.
Thank you.
Architecturally speaking.
Style wise, I can't say
I really care for it.
Mm‐hm.
Muddled at best.
(GIRLS SNICKER)
ELENA: First of all,
this house is stupid.
Second, are you gonna feed us
or what, papi?
Because you don't want
to see me hangry.
MARIE:
It's all you guys.
(LAUGHTER)
KARA: I can't.
(LAUGHTER)
ELENA: This little things
are delicious.
All right.
(UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER)
(LAUGHTER)
MORGAN: I've gotta Instagram this.
And, um, I'm gonna get, like,
chair covers.
‐ (ELENA GASPS)
LILITH: They're called chair cozies.
No, no, wedding chair cozies
can't look great.
Fuckin' bean bags
would be better.
Do I look like Meghan Markle
to y'all?
I mean, that's why you should
just have the wedding
in, like, a barn of something.
‐ A barn?
‐ But not, like, an actual barn.
Oh my God,
forget I said anything.
MORGAN: Peter, how do you feel
about wedding chair cozies?
‐ Me? Uh, well...
‐ Yeah.
To be honest with you guys,
I have no idea
what the gentle fuck
you're talkin' about.
I want to know more though.
I want to know more. Keep sharing.
ELENA: Wow, he already have
one pussy in his life.
PETER: For those of you willing,
what you're about to enjoy...
is a pan‐seared monkfish.
You'll see some English peas.
Those are fresh.
KARA: Oh my gosh,
this is beautiful.
I mean, it looks like cod.
PETER: There's a similarity.
‐ Mm.
PETER: Uh, Elena,
but, um, it's much higher end.
Y'all, eat up, eat up also,
because this is super expensive
at his restaurant.
The reason I broke up with him
mainly
was because he thought
he got to decide
when and if I had babies.
But also the salt, no?
Also he salted his bacon.
Oh, that's always gross.
‐ Fuck no.
‐ Yeah, it was grim.
MARIE:
Mm‐mm.
MORGAN:
But it wasn't as bad
as the man I loved
wanting to determine
when my body transforms
and bursts forth with...
suckling young.
PETER: Goodness gracious,
you make it sound like
the last act of Akira, Morgan.
It's not that bad.
I'm sorry, Peter,
have you birthed many children?
Um, I haven't, unfortunately,
but I did see it happen.
Listen, I saw it happen
up close and personal,
and I feel like
if I had the gadgetry,
I would have delivered.
The gadgetry, you guys.
LILITH: You know, it's not just
the delivery, right?
It's everything that comes next
and then everything after that.
PETER: You're right, I'm sorry,
I forgot that you managed
to avoid the pushing part,
which is so sweet for you,
it's rad.
But I'm also a fan of adoption, so...
‐ (LILITH SIGHS)
No, I was just saying
I don't think raising a child
should be another thing we
have to prioritize, you know?
It's not a burden or a task,
it's just simply what is.
Becomes as much part
of your life as breathing.
But then the parts of your life
that you thought were your life,
like socializing
or career building,
and, you know, exploring
or expressing art,
those things that drove you
and defined you,
all those boxes
get left unchecked.
Of course they still matter.
And you want your child
to grow up
and see more than just Mom.
You want them to see a dreamer
and a lover
and an entrepreneur or whatever.
You want them to see...
you.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
And maybe be inspired.
Oh my God,
when is Mother's Day, May?
Fuck.
I see you.
I love you.
PETER:
Well, that is a cockle warmer.
♪
No, nothing?
Tough room.
Guys, come on, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
That was a beautiful soliloquy,
Lilith,
and I think that
we should all drink to it.
Oh my God, Peter.
Oh my goshness.
I've just embarrassed myself.
‐ Well--well caught.
‐ It's okay.
PETER:
I'm also very curious
as to what is--
what is that about?
‐ Oh!
PETER: That's intriguing.
KARA:
What this is about?
Sisterhood.
Celtic style,
am I right, ladies?
(GIRLS AGREEING)
It was about Mardi Gras 2015.
Year of the motherfuckin' goat.
Oh, I love our tattoos.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, whoa,
is anybody else sweating
like they stole something?
Elena, how are you hot?
ELENA: I don't know.
KARA: She always is.
(MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC)
♪
♪ Go to sleep ♪
♪ Underneath the cover ♪
See anything out there you like?
Well, uh,
speaking man to matron,
I-- I could say
there's nothing out there
I don't like.
AGNES:
How inclusive of you.
(WHISPERING)
Thank you.
Truthfully, though,
I am feeling kind of invisible
to (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
Huh, wiser words
without slurring might help.
(PETER LAUGHS)
Maybe stop spilling shit.
(PETER CHUCKLES)
Your honesty is boundary free,
Ags.
And I am tipsy.
AGNES: Ah.
♪
Eat something,
for Christ's sake.
PETER:
Well, sure.
♪
AGNES: Go easy,
I'm not gonna clean up
any more of your messes.
Here.
PETER: Thank you.
Thank you, mm, reheated.
BTDubs,
I'm a big fan of you
and (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
I like that.
AGNES: Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, when is the last time
you had
a solid girls' night out?
I feel like
you should get out there,
tell 'em some shit
about Eleanor Roosevelt,
you know what I'm saying?
Maybe tell 'em the story
of the first vacuum.
You're an idiot.
PETER: Mm‐hm.
♪ Underneath the cover ♪♪
♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
That's-- that's gorgeous.
(APPLAUSE)
Anybody need cream or milk?
Just let me know.
ELENA:
My gosh, Agnes!
You've been on your feet
all day.
Why don't you sit down,
take a load off?
Maybe drop some knowledge.
AGNES: I'm too old
to be dropping anything.
I'm just enjoying
the festivities
watching some sisters commune.
PETER:
Oh, there she is.
Suffrage.
My day.
No?
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Truth is, you all are lucky.
Wasn't always this easy
for women
to lean on each other.
There was a time when it...
wasn't about choosing
to be heard,
because you had no voice.
(DARK MUSIC)
How can you use something
you were never given?
♪
Something terrible
happens to a woman
and it just lives in you.
♪
In her.
Starts on the inside
and then it becomes her skin
and she wears it till she dies
and that's that.
(PETER SIGHS)
♪
And that was just
her tight five, ladies.
Wait, just wait
until her Hulu special
drops this fall.
I made chocolate things
for women.
Please don't all just...
MARIE: I'm good, bro.
MORGAN: Yeah.
‐ Maybe later, Peter.
Thanks.
ELENA: They look like wild flavors.
♪
PETER: Oof.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
You all right over there, Pete?
(SIGHS)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just-- I maybe had
a little too much to drink
and not enough to eat.
This is the--
this is the chef's curse.
Hey, I'll bid you excuse me.
I'll bid you adieu.
Um, stay as long as you like,
okay?
Stay the night if you like.
I will be available
for some light spooning
during the witching hour,
as long as I can be
the big spoon.
♪
KARA: Peter, your hospitality
is greatly appreciated.
‐ Mm.
‐ Thank you and Agnes
for such a delicious meal.
Mm‐hm.
I had this gravity.
(LAUGHTER)
MORGAN: There's a step there.
‐ Good night.
‐ Okay.
Thank you.
♪
Oh...
(MUTTERING)
(GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT DEMONIC VOICE)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRRING)
♪
Hm?
Cheerio.
Hey.
Well, that's good.
(EXHALES)
Ooh.
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
Hey, how much did we drink?
Okay.
(FLIPPING SWITCH)
Um...
(WATER RUNNING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(SNIFFS)
♪
(SOFT CRUNCH)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRRING)
("TWO SISTERS")
♪
♪ There were two sisters
side by side ♪
♪ Sing aye dumb,
sing aye day ♪
♪ There were two sisters
side by side ♪
♪ The boys are born for me ♪
♪ There were two sisters
side by side ♪
♪ The eldest for young Johnny cried ♪
(PEACOCK CALL)
Okay, I'll bite.
♪ I'll be true
unto my love ♪
♪ If he'll be true to me ♪
♪
(PEACOCK CALLING)
♪
♪ Johnny bought the youngest
a big gold ring ♪
♪ Sing aye dumb,
sing aye day ♪
♪ Johnny bought the youngest
a big gold ring ♪
♪ The boys are born for me ♪
Well, hey there, Glorio.
I do like your outfit, but...
why are you here?
Are you a boarder
or are you just visiting Agnes?
♪
I'm gonna turn that down
'cause it sucks.
♪ If he'll be true to me ♪
♪
♪ Johnny bought the youngest
a beaver hat ♪
♪ Sing aye dumb ♪♪
(DARK MUSIC)
♪
(EERIE SOUNDS)
Sh...
♪
(EXHALES)
♪
(GRUNTS)
(PEACOCK CALLING)
Uh...
Fuck no.
♪
Hey Morgan,
rise and shine, please.
♪
(WHISPERING)
Oh!
♪
Fuck!
I'm pretty sure that Agnes
worships peacocks and the devil.
♪
(FLOOR CREAKS)
♪
(DOORBELL RINGS)
♪
(METALLIC WHIRRING)
♪
(CREAKING)
♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Morgan, is that you?
(TRYING DOORKNOB,
RAPPING ON DOOR)
MORGAN: Peter, help me.
(JOSTLING DOOR)
Morgan!
("TWO SISTERS" PLAYS AGAIN)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Morgan!
♪
Goddammit.
False!
♪
Morgan, pull--pull on
your side of the door, please.
MORGAN:
I'm pulling.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Morgan?
Open the goddamned door!
MORGAN:
I can't, it's locked!
Peter, help me, I'm scared.
(SHRIEKING)
PETER:
Oh, shit!
(GROANING)
(GNASHING CRUNCH)
(SHRIEKING)
MORGAN:
(WHISPERING) Peter?
Are you still there?
PETER:
Morgan, something's wrong.
Morgan, something's wrong.
I can't move!
♪
(PETER PANTS, GASPS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
♪
(WHISPERING)
Morgan, wake up!
I think I'm paralyzed.
♪
Oh, God... Peter.
Where am I?
♪
PETER: Look at me.
No, no, no.
Look at, look at--
do not turn around.
Oh my God.
Oh my... oh my God!
♪
Hm.
What?
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Had a wife
but couldn't keep her,
because he'd been
a very, very bad boy.
(WHISPERING)
What the fuck?
♪
Ooh!
KARA: Well‐done, Morgan.
No, I think I can
probably take it from here.
♪
Stiff upper lip, mate.
It's been a deuce of a time.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Thank you.
(HISSES)
KARA:
Oh!
Peter.
I just can't imagine
what's running through
your head right now.
Oh, you don't need to,
I can tell you, it's, uh,
"Why can't I move
my fuckin' body"
and "Get this collar
off me fuckin' now."
Language!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(QUIETLY FURIOUS)
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
(DEMONIC WHISPERING)
I'd say I'm surprised
you don't recognize me, Peter,
but to be fair, I was a child
the last time you were around.
Still, everyone says
I'm the spitting image
of my sister, and, well,
I know you remember her.
PETER: I have no idea
who you're talking about.
Wheeler.
Kara Wheeler.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
You're Becca's sister?
Was.
PETER: So that's what
all this insanity is about.
(SCOFFS)
She took the easy way out.
It's my fault?
What happened to
your sister is tragic.
Truly.
♪
It's also fuckin' cowardly.
Right? What about
your parents?
What about you?
And then the heroin.
The fuckin' heroin, Kara.
Come on, I know you're angry.
You want some closure, but this,
this is not the way to get it.
This... this is how
you get 10 to 20.
Did you know I was
the one that found her?
♪
She used a knife from your
line of cutlery, Peter.
The very set you sell on
your piece‐of‐shit TV show.
♪
Do you think that
was a coincidence?
We were teenagers, okay, Kara?
(STAMMERING)
And whatever you're thinking,
fuck, I guarantee you
that's not what happened,
all right?
(CHAINS JINGLING)
Right on cue.
MORGAN: All right.
‐ Shit.
(CLATTERING)
Okay.
Uh, what the hell is that?
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Right, then,
now that it's loaded,
I would be worried,
if I were you.
(WHISPERING)
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
(LAUGHING)
You seem tense, Peter.
Way to represent, OG.
(LAUGHTER)
Suckling young.
PETER:
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, okay,
so you are all crazy,
you're all just crazy,
and your brains are sick,
and you're not gonna
get away with this,
you... angry bitches!
Oh, Peter.
We're not angry bitches.
♪
We're angry witches.
♪
(PUFFS)
(EACH PUFFS IN SUCCESSION)
♪
(UNINTELLIGIBLE INCANTATION)
♪
(SCREAMING)
Agnes!
♪
Agnes!
♪
(WHISPERING)
Hey, hey...
hey.
What did you do to me?
Hm. The paralysis.
It's a remedial spell
but always quite effective.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Peter,
a woman's work is
never, ever done.
♪
Agnes!
Help me!
Shush, shush, shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush, huh?
Have some self‐respect, Slim.
Shh...
‐ What are you...
what are you planning?
What are you...
Hey, what is your deal,
even... huh?
Huh?
Yeah? What is that--
what is that--
what is that nonverbal cue, huh?
You guys aren't
helping me at all, please.
LILITH: We can't let you
go out like this.
Out?
Don't sweat it.
We're gonna tighten you up.
You're gonna tighten me up,
what is tighten--
tighten what up?
LILITH:
All of it.
♪
Oh, come on.
♪
(PETER BREATHES HEAVILY)
LILITH:
Shh, stay very still.
(EERIE MUSIC)
No! No, no,
this stops now.
(WOMEN SINGING IN UNISON)
♪ Shut, shut, shut, shut ♪
♪ Shut your fucking mouth ♪
♪ No one wants
to hear your bullshit ♪
♪ Shut your fucking mouth ♪♪
Ow!
No! No.
MARIE: Oh, boy.
That's good.
(IN RISING PANIC)
Oh...
ohh...
Ohh!
(FRIGHTENED SCREAMING)
♪
Oh...
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
PETER: No.
Oh, God.
Oh, f...
♪
Ohh!
Oh, shit!
Oh, oh...
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
♪
MARIE:
Snake for snake.
♪
PETER:
You don't even know me.
You don't know me,
all you know is
what you read
in the search engine.
(WOMEN WHISPERING)
♪
Thank you so much
for this exclusive.
Confession?
I'm a big fan, um...
But this is just business.
Well, flattery'll
get you everywhere.
My business is my pleasure.
MARIE: Oh!
‐ What is this?
MARIE: Um... great.
LILITH: Yeah!
MARIE:
So let's get started, okay.
When did your love affair
with food start?
LILITH: Why don't you ask me
what you really wanna ask me?
♪
I don't know what you mean.
PETER: Okay, fuck no,
you guys, come on.
You're family,
for Christ's sake.
This is wrong on so many levels,
what it--
what is happening?
MARIE: Uh-- um...
Oh-- oh please,
can we just, um...
stick to the interview?
LILITH: (WHISPERING)
Come on, this is the interview.
Look, I--I...
can we just
keep it on the level?
Yeah, yeah.
MARIE: I'm really not comfortable
with where this is--
LILITH: Okay, okay, hey.
Seriously?
How long you been
chasing this exclusive?
I mean, who the fuck
do you write for?
Who's reading this shit?
Come on.
No, no, no, no, you assholes.
I'm your brass ring.
("I'M YOUR BRASS RING" ECHOES)
No, that's not how it happened.
That's not how it happened.
This-- can you please
cut that out?
Cut--cut that out.
Ow! Cunt!
You fucking bit me!
♪
Unquote.
♪
She don't wanna fuck you, Peter.
Just because
she's a fan of your work
doesn't mean
you get to touch her.
Here, or here...
It's not okay.
It's never been okay.
Look at the tits.
Check the tits, bro.
Hey, how about a giant
obvious newsflash
for you two
certifiable loony bins:
There's two sides
to every story, okay?
She chased that exclusive
for weeks.
She met me at a bar.
MARIE: You told her
to meet you there!
(FURIOUSLY)
She brought a recorder
and a fucking legal pad!
She flirted her ass off with me
the whole time.
And then, she had
the balls to bite me,
because she was a crazy bitch!
(SCOFFS)
You wanna see something
really fucking crazy?
Oh boy.
♪
(INVOCATION, BONES CRUNCHING)
What's happening?
You pissed off a witch, Peter.
And Marie fucks with voodoo, so...
PETER: Oh, shit.
(MURMURING AND SHUDDERING)
♪
(SHRIEKING)
PETER: Oh God. Oh God, help me.
Please, please help me.
(PETER SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
(COMMAND IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
♪
Not yet, Marie.
It's too soon.
(BONES CRUNCHING)
He fucking asked for it.
KARA: I have no doubt.
(EERIE MUSIC)
You are officially
on borrowed time.
♪
LILITH: Oh boy,
look at that.
Look what you did.
You pissed yourself.
Now you're gonna have to
lay there in your own sauce
and I'm gonna have to smell it.
Still, you're lucky.
I wouldn't have stopped her.
All that spitfire
just makes me melt.
Why do you think
I asked her to marry me?
She checks all my boxes.
That is disgusting.
‐ Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that a bridge too far?
Oh, shit! So it's just
all lies, huh?
God, you don't even have a kid.
LILITH:
Don't be ridiculous.
(GASPS)
LILITH: Hmph.
My daughter graduated
cum laude last year,
and that was after the assault.
Luckily, that monster
was still able
to play in a bowl game.
Hasn't seemed to have affected
his draft status one bit.
Thank God she had
the courage to come forward.
(WHIMPERING)
(PANTING)
LILITH: What are you thinking?
♪
There we go.
♪
Hey.
Stick around for act two.
That's when we castrate you.
(WHIMPERING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
No peeking!
♪
ELENA:
¡Hola!
♪
(CRUNCHING)
♪
That's a nice--
that's a nice color.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it!
We thought it would
look good with your skin tone.
You ready to become
Pretty Peter?
(BOTTLE SQUIRTS SPRAY)
Are you excited to head back
to the Philippines in shackles?
(CHUCKLES)
Wow. This motherfucker--
you know I'm Puerto Rican!
You wanna talk about shackles?
You know, when Puerto Rico
was still a Spanish colony,
women's rights were unheard of
and their contributions
to the island's society
were limited, to put it mildly.
Even though Puerto Rican women
were actively participating
in the revolt
against the Spaniards,
and nobody can rape and
pillage like the Spanish,
am I right?
Relax.
I'm just texturizing.
Will you pout, please?
‐ Will you eat a dick?
That's rude.
ELANA:
Believe it or not,
I'm as American as
apple‐motherfucking‐pie.
My great‐grandmother
served our great country
in the war against Hitler
and his allies.
What a patriot!
I'm sorry that the courage
skipped your generation.
But I am grateful
for her service, truly.
ELENA:
Are you?
Mm‐hm.
The way you're grateful
for the service of,
I don't know,
your female kitchen staff?
You ever hear of equal pay
for equal work,
you pasty piece of shit?
And how many of them
have you slept with, huh?
Including the one you fired.
Marta Dominguez.
Single mother of two,
and that was enough
brown babies for this world,
as far as you were concerned.
Yeah, we came to
that decision together.
(ELENA CHORTLES)
Together?
Then why settle?
That one cost you 20 grand.
Big money for one
of your employees.
Isn't this beneath you, Morgan?
Didn't you people
invent manners?
He means the English.
None of this shit flies
across the Pond.
This is strictly
American awfulness
at its worst.
First of all, Peter,
the utter shite
that you've been doing
your entire life is part of
an international pandemic.
ELENA: Ooh, good word.
‐ Yeah. And second,
do you know a thing about
(EXAGGERATES) fuckin' witchcraft
and its fuckin' origins?
Nice. Come on, I'm...
trying to talk to you
like a human,
and you're mocking me and
you're wrapping your finger
around a trigger like a bully.
You're a real wanker
when you're frightened,
do you know that?
Yeah, I'm frightened, Morgan.
(SIGHS)
I'm scared, 'cause
I've been kidnapped and...
accused,
and convicted and sentenced
by strangers, and I--
I have a daughter named Riley.
MORGAN:
Yeah, but Peter,
great change comes
with the destruction
of existing rules.
What?
My sister's skin is my own,
my sister's heart is my own,
and my sister's future
is my own.
Oh, shit,
she's in training, huh?
This is your first time,
isn't it?
In your dreams.
PETER: No, not in my dreams,
right now.
I know you.
I grew up with you.
Morgan.
You're just like my sister.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
You're desperate for acceptance.
I have a brother.
He makes
cheese‐and‐onion sandwiches
and they're the tits.
You still couldn't
shine his shoes.
Who was it that destroyed
your self‐esteem so completely
that you are willing
to pledge the worst sorority
in history?
♪
Was it your dad?
ELENA:
That's enough, pendejo.
Every asshole
says he's an asshole
because his father
was an asshole.
No te dejes que te meta
en la cabeza.
It's just dead skin.
PETER:
Morgan, come on.
Make one decision for yourself
in your life.
‐ Fuck you!
You know nothing about my life!
Welcome to the
fucking game, bitch!
(INTENSE MUSIC)
(GRUNTS)
ELENA: Oh, shit!
Ah! Oww!
♪
(PANTING)
(BUSY SIGNAL)
Star... six... nine.
LONNIE: Hello?
‐Lonnie-- Lonnie, it's Peter.
I'm a hostage of witches.
I tried 911 already,
it's busy, can you believe--
You just made this
a lot more painful
for yourself, Peter.
♪
(BLADE CLATTERS)
(STRUGGLING)
♪
(DARK MUSIC)
♪
(METAL CREAKING)
♪
KARA:
Lonnie?
That's my name,
don't wear it out.
KARA: God, it's so late,
you freaked me out there
for a second.
♪
Right.
I don't live here.
Peter invited us ladies
over for dinner.
Our power went out
and he took pity on us.
♪
Peter called me at the shop,
he sounded pretty shook up.
Lonnie, Peter's fine.
He was just yanking your chain.
Like when we were kids?
Oh, but we're not kids anymore.
KARA: He was a bully, Lonnie.
I'm sorry if he ever
made you feel like you were--
Dumb?
I'm not dumb.
‐ I know you're not.
♪
Hmm, you probably should
turned more lights on,
if you really
wanted me to believe
that you were inside
having supper.
(GUN COCKS)
I'll come in and
take a look around.
Lonnie...
AGNES:
Go home, boy.
This doesn't concern you.
‐ Mother...
I got this handled,
go on back to bed.
♪
What did I tell you
about that thing, huh?
What'd I say?
♪
Something's not right here.
♪
AGNES: You love your mother?
‐ 'Course I do.
AGNES:
All right.
Then you take this
and you go home.
Everything's under control.
You just forget
you were ever here.
♪
(ENGINE STARTS)
♪
Your timing is impeccable.
♪
Does Peter know?
Peter and Gwen were
just babies themselves.
Why'd you have to
keep it a secret?
♪
Because the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
♪
Oh my God.
Peter's father?
♪
Go back in there
and finish what you started.
And no more fuck‐ups.
♪
ELENA: Hey, man.
What the fuck?
LILITH:
That was enlightening.
ELENA: Gimme the keys,
I'll take care of it.
MARIE: I'll call shotgun.
KARA: None of that
will be necessary.
ELENA: Oh, oh, really?
Tell that
to my fucking forehead.
KARA: We should've cast
a stronger spell.
♪
We actually underestimated you.
♪
Crate training's over.
Oh, cuckoo, cuckoo!
What a beautiful color.
ELENA: Yeah, I like the way
your titties look
in that top, baby.
(CATCALLING AND WHISTLING)
Look, really?
Your sister's clothes?
I mean, isn't she
rolling in her grave?
We're going on a witch hunt.
You get it?
Levels.
It's really more
of us hunting you
as opposed to you hunting us.
It's a twist on an old classic.
Vámonos, gringo.
‐ (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
LILITH:
Come on, jog on!
Go, Pe‐ter!
Can I just shoot him in the bollocks?
ELENA: Hmm.
Go Peter, go!
PETER: Oh! Come on!
Please, please.
Please stop this.
She had a soul.
Ten...
MARIE: (WHISPERING) You better run, boy.
Hey! Okay, sorry.
Nine...
PETER: Okay.
KARA: Eight...
MARIE: (WHISPERING) Go Peter, go!
KARA: Seven...
(TENSE RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
(HOWLING, BARKING)
♪
Sh-- shit.
(PETER'S FOOTSTEPS ECHO)
♪
(PETER MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY)
♪
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
Marta Dominguez.
She don't wanna fuck you...
Peter.
♪
(WHISPERING)
We were teenagers,
okay?
♪
PETER: (FRANTICALLY)
Help! Help!
Help me!
Help me!
Hel-- Oh, shit!
Gwen! Gwen!
Gwen! Wait!
Oh thank God, it's you!
GWEN: Peter, what is--
Fuck! Go, go, go!
Peter, what--
‐ Fuckin' drive, Gwen, fuckin' drive!
Okay, okay!
PETER: Shit!
♪
Are you gonna tell me
what's going on?
What the hell are you wearing?
Fuckin' bitch witches tortured me.
Fuckin' took me hostage.
The put a spell
on my limbs, Gwen!
Goddamn, they took my hair,
took my blood.
They put makeup on my face,
look at my face!
Slow down, okay? Just--
I can't slow down, Gwen.
They're blaming me
for Becca's suicide.
Yeah.
You know Kara, her sister?
Well, she's the lady Manson,
she's the ringleader.
And they've been following me,
and they know some deep,
deep personal secrets.
They're stalking me
and we need to go,
and we need to go
to the cops now.
Oh, fuck!
They were gonna cut my dick off.
Fuck!
I said they could fix you,
not "fix" you.
What in the living shit
did you just say to me?
GWEN: You heard me.
You did this to me?
Gwen-- ‐ I didn't want to!
Okay? But you just--
you left me no choice,
because it's happening
all over again, and--
Oh yeah, you better be upset.
'Cause you have
scarred me for life
and you are my goddamned sister!
Yeah, I was your sister
when you raped my best friend
in our fucking treehouse!
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
Rape? Did you just say
"rape" to me?
Holy shit, Gwen,
I don't even know
what that fuckin' word
means anymore.
Nobody does, okay?
We were kids.
I was a teenager, I was drunk,
I was fuckin' naked,
it was a blurry mess
that happened a lifetime ago!
No, it's a blurry mess
to you, Peter.
It's a lifetime ago to you!
Like I said, I was drunk.
‐ No!
No, you always
have an excuse, Peter,
and you always get away with it,
and it is not just with Becca,
because there have been
too many others,
what about the journalist
that interviewed you
a few years ago, right?
Hm, what did you do to her?
Huh, Peter?
Or the women on your staff,
or the new one
that your lawyer's
fixing for you right now,
what were the--
what were the marching orders
this time?
Is it "Oh, she auditioned
for a reality show,
so she just must be
a gold‐digging whore," right?
Isn't that the company line?
♪
(SLOWLY AND CALMLY)
You hurt Becca
and no one believed her story,
because you were perfect, Peter,
and you called her a liar,
so that's what she was.
And over time,
it just ate her alive.
♪
And I defended you
because you're my brother,
not because I believed you,
because I didn't.
And that's just
my cross to bear.
♪
(WHISPERING)
Yeah, okay, you're...
you're right.
I'm sorry.
(TENSE MUSIC)
PETER: You have to drive right now.
You have to drive right now!
They're fuckin' witches!
Did they tell you they're fuckin' witches?
GWEN: No, Peter! Stop it!
Listen to yourself!
♪
(HORRIFIED)
What the fuck? Okay.
They did not say
anything about that.
I'm gonna call Kara, and--
PETER: No-- no, don't!
That's Kara!
(GLASS SHATTERS, SCREAMING)
♪
No! No!
(SCREAMING)
GWEN: (FRANTICALLY)
Peter, help me! Peter! Peter!
PETER: (DESPERATELY SCREAMING)
Gwen! Gwen!
(INCANTATION BEING CHANTED)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Oh, my... my hands...
♪
(IN TERROR)
No! No!
(TENSE RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
Ah! No!
♪
Noo!
♪
(PIERCING SCREAM)
(BIRDSONG)
(PANTING)
(YELLING)
Gwen, are you here?
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
(INDISTINCT DEMONIC VOICE)
♪
(MUSIC DISTORTS)
♪
(PHONE RINGING)
♪
(PANTING)
(PHONE RINGING)
♪
KARA: Good morning, dear.
Where's my sister?
KARA: That's sweet.
Gwen woke up in her own bed.
She'll have no memory
of what happened here, so
unless you want her or
anyone else, for that matter,
to think you belong
in an asylum,
I suggest you take
our little adventure
with you to the grave.
♪
What did you do to me?
For Becca.
♪
For Becca.
♪
For Becca.
♪
KARA: You fuck up once,
you even think of hurting
anyone ever again,
we will bury you.
You'll never see it coming.
(ROAR OF FLAMES)
♪
Are we clear?
♪
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
KARA: We'll be watching, Peter.
(INHALING SHARPLY)
(LINE GOES DEAD)
♪
Well, that was easy.
Stockholm syndrome, anyone?
He said thank you.
That was clutch.
ELENA: Stakes.
(PETER MOANS)
MARIE: Charges?
(GLASS SHATTERING,
SCREAMING "NO, GWEN!")
LILITH: Definitely day drinking,
right?
(FLAME ROARS, SCREAM)
(PANTING)
GWEN: Jesus!
A hell of a party trick.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Keep your phone on.
He'll call you.
Not right away, but...
he'll call.
‐ Right.
You nailed that, by the way.
Oh my God.
I was so nervous
that he was gonna
jump out of the car
or push me out of the car
before we got to the spot.
Then I just...
I lost my shit.
I mean, I really lost it.
You were the perfect closer.
(TENDER MUSIC)
I'm so sorry, Kara.
I think about her
every single day.
♪
(TEARFULLY)
Yeah, me too.
♪
(WEEPING)
♪
(MOUTHS)
Oh God.
♪
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
♪
I'm so sorry.
♪
AGNES: These sheets smell like piss.
(CHUCKLING)
Final verdict on
the micro dosing, ladies?
(EERIE MUSIC)
♪
Well, the Datura was
definitely the right species.
It's a nasty little fucker.
But we coulda used more.
That's on me. Yeah, I'm just
growing into my alchemy.
It's a delicate balance,
'cause you want him to go limp
and see shit but not die, right?
Well, I just wanna say
thank you, obviously.
When Kara first called me,
I admit I was skeptical.
But it sounds like
you really reached him.
♪
Or he's just scared and thinks
we put voodoo on his dick.
Maybe.
But maybe not.
GWEN: Well, it makes a difference
to me.
He's my whole family.
You don't know him like I do.
(SOFTLY KNOCKING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Well, we all have reasons
for being here, right?
♪
My wedding is in three hours,
Peter.
How can you possibly
justify coming here?
For one minute.
I need to see
our daughter, please.
One minute,
and that's it.
Okay.
‐ Jesus, you look like shit.
♪
Dad, what are you doing?
You okay?
‐ Yeah, um...
could we go for a walk?
Yeah.
‐ Thank you.
♪
To draining the swamp,
one bad hombre at a time.
(WOMEN AGREE, CHEER)
KARA: I think we can all drink to that.
(GLASSES CLINK)
AGNES: Little stingy
on the bubbly,
I'm gonna need three of these.
♪
PETER: (WHISPERS)
Amazing!
♪
I've taken for granted
how precious you are and...
and you let me get away
with it every time,
but I don't want you
to do that anymore.
Not for me, not for any man.
♪
No more lies, baby, okay?
And I'm never
gonna miss a thing.
And I'll be at every soccer
game from here on out,
and I'm gonna be carrying
one of those big plastic bags
of orange slices
like those other parents do, okay?
Oh my God, Dad.
Are you dying?
No, no, no, baby.
I think maybe I should have.
♪
But I'm still here,
which makes me the luckiest man
on the planet.
Riley, I love you...
so much.
♪
I will see you tomorrow.
Not next weekend, tomorrow,
okay?
♪
♪
♪
What is this?
What, are you dying
or something?
♪
Laura, I'm so sorry I failed you
on every conceivable level.
It wasn't just me.
♪
Hey, Peter.
(STAMMERING)
Hi-- hi, hello.
Uh... do we know each other?
We do now.
(OMINOUS RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
♪
Be good.
♪
♪ Go to sleep
underneath the covers ♪
♪ Oh, dreams will find you ♪
♪ Will find you ♪
♪ Will find you ♪
♪ Close your eyes,
let the dark surround you ♪
♪ Sounds in the night,
voices in a bad dream ♪
♪ I hear voices
in a bad dream ♪
♪ I hear voices ♪♪
♪