Inspector Lewis (2006–2015): Season 4, Episode 3 - Your Sudden Death Question - full transcript

Have a lovely weekend, darling.

This isn't about a lovely weekend.
It's about winning the money.
See you later.

Hello. Are you looking for
Chaucer College?

I do hope so.

Yes.
Excellent.

That's the best news I've heard
all year. Well, this way.

Ethan.

Yes.

Don't you remember me?

Alas and alack, the world is full of
people I don't remember.

Generally a very good thing.



Shall we?

Have a good weekend.
Everything all right for tomorrow?

Nervous? Why should I be nervous?
I'll call you back.

What have you got there?

She's my Gibson L-5. We're off to
a festival of world music.

World music?

All of it? You'll need a big room.
It's in the open air.
Are you doing nice things?

If I told you,
you wouldn't believe me.

Room OK?
It's a room.

Do you really need that?
Better than a teddy bear, trust me.

Ethan, how are you doing?
Room OK? No complaints?

No, none whatsoever.
Actually, this is my old college.

So it's just like old times.

The women are a little bit older,
but there's...no substitute for
experience.



Oh, well, you're all here
to have a good time.

It's a bank holiday weekend.
It isn't about avarice and greed.

Enjoy.

I assume we get a choice
of all seven of the deadly sins.

Up to you, Ethan.

Mr Richards.
Donald. What can I do for you?

The old folk would like some
reassurance

that you won't be asking us
endless questions about pop music.

We are very good on Aristotle,

but reciting the hit songs of Elvis
Presley in reverse order is frankly
beyond our compass.

but reciting the hit songs of Elvis
Presley in reverse order is frankly
beyond our compass.

In the Quizaholics world
there are many mansions.

I feared there might be.

Dinner is served! So, if you'll
pardon the expression,
walk this way.

Suitcase!

Cousin's wedding in Norfolk.

Is that good?
Ask me Monday.

(CHATTER)

First off...

I'm sorry, but why 'off'?

Why not simply 'first'?

Forgive me. I'm not used to running
quiz weekends in Oxford.
I'll try to be more careful.

Don't worry on our account, Marcus.
First...

welcome to the Quizaholics Weekend.

By Sunday evening, one of the six
teams sitting round this table
will be £5,000 richer.

By Sunday evening, one of the six
teams sitting round this table
will be £5,000 richer.

But we're not here for the money.
We're here to have fun. OK?

OK.

So, let's start by having the teams
tell us who they are?

I'm Eve Rigby.
And I'm Robyn Strong.

And our team is called
the Red Hot Mamas.

As in Sophie Tucker?
The original Red Hot Mama?

According to my grandma, yes.

We met at an antenatal class and
started the quiz team to stop our
brains turning to porridge.

We met at an antenatal class and
started the quiz team to stop our
brains turning to porridge.

Also to prove you don't have to be
a bloke to be a boring old anorak.

Well, we know who you are.
You're Ethan Croft.

Once upon a time,
you and I were at school together.

So you tell me. All I can say is
that it was a very big school...

So you tell me. All I can say is
that it was a very big school...

with many beautiful people.

Meanwhile, back at the agenda.

Sorry. Like the lady says,
I'm Ethan Croft.

I'm a former student of this college
and now a primary school teacher.

I'm a former student of this college
and now a primary school teacher.

So, clearly sent on this earth
to educate the young.

Educate the young?
Fascinating concept.

It'll never catch on.

Our team is called Nuts.
And are you?

We're both active members of the
National Union of Teachers. Hence...

Nuts.

I'm Ava Taylor, branch secretary.
Ethan's our officially designated
trouble-maker.

We plan the revolution on the first
Friday of every month, but nobody
ever shows up.

(FORCED LAUGH) That's Excellent.

Well, we encourage troublemakers.

Alfie, tell us about yourselves.

I'm Alfie Wilkinson and this is
Sophie Barton.

Hi.
We're students.

We're broke. We're called Toxic Debt
and you may be here to have fun,

but we need to win the money.

We're two little lambs
who need some quantitative easing.

Well, we wish you luck.
Yeah, but not too much.

Next?

My name is Professor Donald Terry.

And my colleague is Professor Milner.
Good evening.

And our team is called
the Grey Guardians,

seeking to uphold the principles of
truth, beauty and wisdom

in an age that has placed its faith,
mistakenly, in mere information.

Well, we'll go easy on
Elvis Presley, heavy metal and rap.

Well, we'll go easy on
Elvis Presley, heavy metal and rap.

Diane, we've lost you...

Diane Baxter. Lieutenant.

Brian Kaye. Colour sergeant.

He was my instructor at Sandhurst.
We're called the Old Contemptibles,

and we're here to prove that soldiers
aren't thick.

Well, I think we can take your word
for that.

Good idea.

Which only leaves...
Sebastian Anderson.

And this is my colleague
Jessica Neill. Hello.

And our team is called
the Class Of '89.

As in Oxford?
Yes, indeed.

But now living and working in
the real world.
Lawyers, for our sins.

Well, other people's sins.
But seeking redemption.

Don't waste your time.
It's overrated.

We are the rump and I use the word
advisedly,

of a college team trounced on network
television by some hairy louts
from Keele.

Redemption would seem highly
necessary.

What happened to the other two
members of your University Challenge
team?

One of them's a Euro MP
and the other one's in prison.

Purely the luck of the draw.
It could have gone either way.

But we're both very nice people.
Irresistibly so.

Well, now that we've all got to know
each other,

I thought we'd start as we mean
to go on... with a quiz.

Goody goody.

Now, this is just for our amusement.
The real work starts tomorrow.

Fingers on buzzers, as it were.
First one to get three right
will be declared the winner.

Fingers on buzzers, as it were.
First one to get three right
will be declared the winner.

It's all in fun and the referee's
decision is final.

I call this section 'Only Connect'.

So, question number one.

What connects the years 1939
and 2008?

What connects the years 1939
and 2008?

Easy-peasy. Portsmouth won
the FA Cup. Correct.

God, I might have guessed
there'd be football.

There always is football.

Next. What connects Al Jolson...
with an operatic aria by Puccini?

Next. What connects Al Jolson...
with an operatic aria by Puccini?

(SPOON CLINKS ON GLASS)
Avalon.

Well, can you tell us more?

Yes. Jolson stole the tune and
Puccini successfully sued him for
plagiarism.

That's correct.

No marks, but anyone know the aria?

# E lucevan le stelle... #

From Tosca.
There was a chap called Rose.

He changed it from a minor key to
a major key and added a few notes.

But it still cost them $25,000.

The sort of thing I would have
thought lawyers would have known.

That was brilliant.

You should see me when I really try.

That man will have to go.

# E LUCEVAN LE STELLE

(VOLUME DOWN)

Hi, it's me again.

No, nothing's happened.

Just, you know, double-checking.

(DRUMMING AND PIPING)

Sorry.

We are down to our final two
contestants.

Donald and Ethan.

So this is your sudden death
question.

What connects waste products
with The Wasteland?

Ethan?
T S Eliot.

Can you be more specific?

Yes. TS Eliot wrote The Wasteland
and his name,

as any crossword buff will tell you,
is an anagram of 'toilets',

where, in an ideal society,
all waste products go.

(LAUGHS) That's correct!

I hereby declare Ethan is the winer!

Infantile chairman.

Well, for now,
the bar will remain open.

We will reconvene here
at ten o'clock in the morning,

In the meantime, the night is still
very young

and the rest of it is yours to do
with as you think fit and according
to your predilections.

Is it all right if we go to the pub?
Do as you like. It's a fun weekend.

But remember the gates will be
locked at nine o'clock
outside of term time.

To stop tourists stealing
the heritage.

So when you come back,
you will have to ring the bell.

The bell has the word 'press'
written on it.

A very grumpy man called Lester
will eventually let you in.

That sounds like the voice of
experience. I know all the exits
and entrances.

All the ghosts lurking in the
shadows. We're students here.
We know all that stuff.

Ring the bell and ask for Lester.

Listen, can I buy you both a drink?

I've never bought a drink
for a Red Hot Mama before.

And I have plenty of secrets
to share.

After those questions I'm a bit
lukewarm, but you never know
your luck.

You don't even remember your own
secrets, Ethan.

Perhaps I just need a little more
persuading.

Did you say something?

Well, the words 'smooth' and
'operator' come to mind.

# E LUCEVAN LE STELLE

Are we allowing names of obscure
and generally discredited political
philosophers?

You want to put 'Gramsci',
put 'Gramsci'.

The army has a question for you,
Mr Richards. The name's Marcus.

All right...Marcus. But it's still
the same question.

Where does the money come from?

Sorry. Which money?

The £5,000 that one of these teams
are gonna win?

Oh. From a sponsor...within
the industry.

You have to understand
quizzes are the new rock'n'roll.

People can become millionaires
just from answering silly questions.

Ask a silly question.
Exactly. It's the world we live in.

I'm telling you. I know all the
secrets of this place.

There are people here who should be
in prison.

In Oxford?

In this very building.
Golly gosh.

But that's probably true of
anywhere.

Yes. But in Oxford, multiply that
by a factor of ten.
Believe me. I know.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Good news, it still fits.

Bad news, you look like
a bloody wine waiter.

But here's the big question...
The sudden death question?

Who wants to come with me
on the conducted tour?

Chaucer College by night.

The secret places. The ghosts.

The buried bodies.

Excellent.

Eve?

Oh, come on,
you are breaking my heart.

I think you're the sort of man
my mother warned me about.

And you ignored her.

(WHISPERS) Don't worry.
I am the gentlest man...

on the planet.

(LAUGHTER)

That's quite enough intellectual
ferment for one night.

Rather more than I'm used to,
as a matter of fact.

What do we think of our fellow
travellers?

I suppose they're a cross-section.

Of what?
God knows.

Well, come on, then.

Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on! Come on!

We didn't wake you, did we?
Not entirely, no.

It's very nice of you
and you're not at all grumpy.

Who says I'd be grumpy?
Bloke called Croft. Ethan Croft.

Yeah. Ethan Croft.
Used to be a student here.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

A lot of people remember him.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...

'2PU.'

Two pissed undergraduates.

Correct. Your turn.

Oh, look. All the lights are out.

All the old folk have gone to bed.

We're playing a game, remember?

Sorry.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...

'..UST'.

Too easy. Unresolved Sexual Tension.

Brilliant. Your turn.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...

'..BFIW'.

BFIW?
Yes.

Could you spell that for me, please?

Body floating in water.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yeah.

Where?

(MUSICAL PERFORMANCE ENDS)

MUSICIAN: Thank you! Thank you!

(MOUTHS)

No, no, please!

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

(CAR ALARM)

Do we know who he is?

Ethan Croft. A teacher apparently.

What was he doing here?

Taking part in a quiz weekend.

I see. So Mr Croft is our starter
for ten.

Where's our favourite sergeant?

On his way back from
a world music festival in Somerset.

Swearing all the way, I should think.
I know the feeling.

Me, too.

I'm sorry about...
Our best laid plans?

Right. Better get to work.

Sergeant Hathaway.
Lester Garvey.

We're gonna need to lock everybody
in. Can you handle that?

I've been doing it for years.

But never for grown-ups.

I'll enjoy that.

Sorry about your weekend.

Yeah, sorry about yours.

What's all this about?

It's about a quiz weekend.
Six teams of two competing for
a £5,000 cash prize.

It's about a quiz weekend.
Six teams of two competing for
a £5,000 cash prize.

Organised by a man called
Marcus Richards.

These the teams?

Yeah, we've got Oxford dons, City
lawyers, primary school teachers,

students, squaddies and young mums.

Deceased?
Michael Ethan Croft.

A primary school teacher.
Found in the ornamental pool.

Body was discovered by the students
coming back just after midnight.

Where are all these people now?

Most of them sound asleep.
We can confront them over their
hearty breakfast.

Or take Shakespeare's advice
and start by killing the lawyers.

Listen, I know this has screwed up
your weekend, but...

No, no, no.
This hasn't screwed up my weekend.

My guitar got nicked.

Where was it?

The boot of the car.
I broke the golden rule.

Which is...?

Never let your instrument out of
your sight.

I didn't know that.

What about piano players?

For them, the instrument is usually
provided. Of course. Sorry.

Is it valuable?

Yeah, to me it is.

It fits the shape of my hand.

Right. Names and addresses of all
the teams.

We have until breakfast to see if
we've got anything on record.

What do you think about quizzes?

Terminally pointless.

Right up there with slugs
and black pudding.

As you know,
Ethan Croft was murdered last night.

And that being so, Sergeant Hathaway
and I

would like to speak to each of you
individually
over the course of the morning.

That is unless anyone wishes to
confess.

Worth a try.

I should also make it clear
that the college gates

will be shut until further notice.
No-one leaves without our permission.

Forgive me if I sound like a lawyer,
but can you do that?

By the time our lawyers
have discussed it with your lawyers

the case would probably be closed
anyway.

Don't worry, we can all huddle
together for warmth.

Now, maybe we can start with
Mr Croft's team partner, Mrs Taylor?

Is that correct?
That's me.

Ethan was a brilliant man,
academically. He was deeply
committed politically.

Ethan was a brilliant man,
academically. He was deeply
committed politically.

And a charmer.

Though I have to say,
it didn't work on me.

It sounds like you're working up to
a 'but'.

He drank and he was a womaniser.

Is that why he was teaching in
a primary school?

That's a fair comment.

Somewhere a brilliant career
had run onto the rocks.

But I never worked out why.

Last night after dinner everyone
went to the bar, is that right?

Apart from those students.
How was it?

Quiet? Noisy?
People talking to one another?

Honest answer,
it was...a little boring.

I don't know. I thought that...

..in a way, this weekend would be
like revisiting the Oxford
of my student days.

And it wasn't. We grow older,
Sergeant.

Ethan Croft was a student here.
Did you know him?

Not that I'm aware of.
I mean, we might have been in
the same room on occasion.

The Union or whatever pubs we used
to go to back then. But I don't
remember him.

Mind you, the world is full of people
I've never met.

I have enough trouble
with the people I have met.

Still, this weekend is not entirely
without interest, is it?

A real-life country house murder.

Miss Scarlett with the lead piping.

High on our list of suspects.

We're regular army. We don't meet
many civilians and I only met them
yesterday.

Did you notice anything about Croft?

He was doing some serious chatting
up of one of the women.

And, as my father used to say,
he had drink taken.

Am I allowed to make an observation?

All police work starts with
observation.

Our cheerful host, Mr Richards...

He's a bit...smooth for my taste.

I'm not crazy about smooth myself.

And I have an observation of my own.
Yes?

Did you bruise your hand?

Yes. Last week, on manoeuvres.

It was a brief encounter
with the side of an armoured car.

He invited us to go on a conducted
tour of the college

and all its dark secrets.

And did you go?
Yes, but...

..not all the way, if you know what
I mean. Did you like him?

He had a lot to say.
Mostly about himself.

That wasn't the question.

Charming, I suppose. Very clever.

But still a man, whichever way you
look at it.

I've never really been all that good
with men.

I can only apologise on behalf of
my gender.

I'll apologise to your friend
if she can spare a minute.

Miss Strong. Word, please.

I'm told you wanted a word.

Yeah.

We've been looking at your website.

Oh, yes.

It's good, isn't it?
My son designed that.

It says here you're a former winner
of two major television quiz
programmes.

But it doesn't say which ones.

One was in Canada
and the other was in South Africa.

Did you win a lot of money?
Not enough to retire on.

That's why I'm running
these quiz weekends.

It also refers to
your background in broadcasting.

But again, it's a bit vague
on the detail.

Are we still talking Canada
and South Africa?

Yes.

Everyone dresses up their CV a bit.

I'm sure it goes on in the police
force.

We have the facilities to check
and double check.

And we do.

I'm just an honest hustler trying to
make a living in a tough world.

Where does the £5,000 come from?

It's... It's self-financing.

People pay £500 for the weekend.
If I rig the books properly,
I come out slightly ahead.

People pay £500 for the weekend.
If I rig the books properly,
I come out slightly ahead.

£500?

Yeah. They get full board
in an Oxford college for the weekend

and the chance to make exciting
new friends.

I'd hoped to attract a few more,
but the bank holiday hasn't done us
any favours.

Be lucky to break even.
Exciting new friends?

Is that why it says 'singles welcome'
on the website?

Yes.

Are all of the people here single?

I've no idea. I suppose we mean
'single at heart'. We're all
consenting adults.

I've no idea. I suppose we mean
'single at heart'. We're all
consenting adults.

Were you aware of any of the
consenting adults
pairing off last night?

I make it my policy to look
the other way.

Though I have to say I think Ethan
Croft was on the prowl in a big way.

Didn't do him much good.

We need to know more about
people's movements last night.

So try very hard to remember.

Looking the other way isn't much
help.

OK. I'll try.

I need to ask you something,
actually. What?

Would it be all right
to carry on with the quiz weekend?

If it's what the people want.

From my professional point of view,
I just want people to stay within
reach.

Thank you. You're a gentleman.

He was my first boyfriend.

I was 14. He was 16.

And then when I saw his name
on the website for this weekend...

..I thought maybe...

maybe it's never too late.

But I was wrong.

He just didn't remember me. And then
even if he did, he obviously
preferred Eve.

This conducted tour of the college,
how did it end?

As you'd expect. An invitation to
his room for a nightcap.

And did you go?
No. Definitely not.

Eve might have done.

Why would she go and you not?

The message was... Well, the message
that I got was that he was up
for a threesome.

The message was... Well, the message
that I got was that he was up
for a threesome.

I don't play those kind of games.
Not even with...

..with someone I once loved.

Thanks for talking to me.

What did you tell him?
Enough, no more.

All of it true.

Mr Terry.
Professor Terry.

Forgive me. Did you know Ethan Croft
prior to this weekend?

Absolutely not.

Our information is that he was a
student here during the late '80s.
And briefly a junior lecturer.

Our information is that he was a
student here during the late '80s.
And briefly a junior lecturer.

This is Oxford. I'm a research fellow
specialising in modern history.

Students are not one of my primary
concerns.

Is that the box office?

I booked two tickets for tonight's
performance, but work has cropped up.

I booked two tickets for tonight's
performance, but work has cropped up.

I'm not gonna be able to make it.

Yeah, I know.
It's not about the money.

So, I dunno, give them away to the
poor of the parish. But use them, eh?

The name is Lewis.

Tonight. The Fairy Queen.

The Fairy Queen?

It's an opera.
Was that your bank holiday weekend?

It was.

Covent Garden? No, The Fairy Queen's
on at Glyndebourne, isn't it?

Two tickets?
Yeah, I was going with a friend.

I do have friends.

Modern architecture.
What are they up to?

Nothing. They're students.

Who designed the Guggenheim Museum?
Frank Lloyd Wright.

Come on. Back to work.

Should we be doing this?
Of course.

We can't win if we don't practise.

This used to be one of the finest
college libraries in Oxford.

Because it had all your books?

Why else?

Purely as a matter of interest,
have you read them all?

All what?
Your books?

Oh, good God, no. They're unreadable.

Which is, no doubt, the point.
Naturally.

How many have you written?

My next book will be my first.

And finest, no doubt.

Lawyers are men of action.

Any joy?
No.

Everybody's behaving true to form.

Nobody saw anything that matters
a damn.

Our victim was a drinker,
a womaniser and a show-off.

That Richards is a shifty sod
and we're no further forward.

So I've been thinking about
your guitar.

That's nice. Thanks.

If I'd nicked something specialised
like a guitar, I wouldn't be trying
to flog it down the pub.

I'd put it on the...Net.
Is that what I mean?

I'm sure that's what you mean.

Come on. Let's have a proper look at
Croft's room.

(BAG UNZIPPED)

Have you noticed his bedside reading?

The Cherry Orchard.
Is it?

In Russian.

These orchards all look alike
in Russian.

He had a first in modern languages.

Yes. So why was he teaching in
a primary school?

It's a big jump from an Oxford first
to Plasticine with five-year-olds.

(KNOCKING)

I was hoping to have a word.
Of course.

Charles Milner.
Professor of engineering.

Very good.
Let's have a word, then.

You're probably aware by now
that Croft was a brilliant student.

And very briefly, a junior lecturer
in modern languages.

Indeed.

Is that what you wanted to tell us?

No.

Professor Terry and I were talking

and we...we vaguely remember that
Croft left Oxford under something
of a cloud.

and we...we vaguely remember that
Croft left Oxford under something
of a cloud.

You vaguely remember?

Common room gossip, no more.

He left under a cloud? Is there any
possibility you could describe this
cloud for us?

It was a sexual harassment case
involving a first-year student.

It was a sexual harassment case
involving a first-year student.

Which, presumably, is all on record?

I doubt that any of it's on record.
Remember where we are.

Vague memories have very little value
in police work.

Who would be likely to know the
truth, the whole truth and nothing
but the truth?

I believe there's a wife.
Wives are pretty good at that sort
of thing, in my experience.

Thank you, Professor.

It might be only a vague memory,

but, to me, he just stuck a knife
right between Ethan Croft's ribs.

Why would he do that?

Why indeed?

The precise cause of death was
drowning, but he was unconscious
at the time.

There's bruising to the back of
the neck. Like a rabbit punch.

Caused by...?
Probably a fist.

Assuming somebody who knew
what he was doing. Or she, possibly.

There was also a cut and some
bruising to the side of the face,
as if he'd been in a fight.

But nothing on the hands, suggesting
he didn't fight back. The violence
was one-sided.

A couple of our soldiers have
somewhat enigmatic CVs.
There's a whiff of SAS.

Heaven preserve us
from the Ministry of Defence.

And he'd also had sex earlier
in the evening.

Well, now.

Eve Rigby said that she went on a
guided tour of the college with him,

but, and I quote,
she 'didn't go all the way'.

Well, someone did.
Unless she's lying.

It ties in with the story about Croft
being drummed out of Oxford for
sexual harassment.

Any chance of finding out the truth?

We're gonna talk to his wife.
You haven't done that yet?

She's visiting her mother in
Brighton. She's on her way back now.

And we have a jealous ex-girlfriend.

Namely?
Robyn Strong.

She seems to have planned
the weekend as a grand reunion
with her first love.

They never learn. So are we talking
about a crime of passion?

Not my department, guv.
But it is relevant that he'd been
drinking heavily.

Probably for some years and just
about the second-to-last thing
he did was have sex.

So where are they now, these Grey
Guardians and Red Hot Mamas?

They're having a quiz.
And who's Gibson?

There's nobody on any of the teams
called Gibson.

Unrelated inquiry.

How was your wedding?

Um, oh... A modern church service.
All a bit happy-clappy.

I still prefer the vicar to say,
'Let no man put asunder'.

I sat through the speeches and Uncle
Vivian singing Bless This House

and then had to leave
before the meal.

My husband's not speaking to me,
because he's stuck with all my mad
relations.

It's been an all-round triumph.

Any luck with the tickets?

I phoned the box office. They might
be able to get rid of them.

I hope so. It's a lot of money.

You lose some, you lose some.

Still, we'll try again another time.

If you're happy about that?

Yeah. I'm happy about that.

Good.

Your date for the weekend,
Doctor Hobson?

We were going to Glyndebourne
to see The Fairy Queen.

All right? Now you know
all there is to know.

Were you overnighting?
Mind your own business!

It's only because I care.

These questions all relate to the
nicknames of famous people.

So, on the buzzers.

Who was 'the Welsh wizard'?

David Lloyd George.

You're far too young to know that.
He knew my father.

Next, another wizard.

Yes?
No idea.

I'm just sick of not pressing
the buzzer.

It is a quiz, after all.
Did you not read the small print?

Are we likely
to have an answer at any point?

Just think of a wizard.
Any wizard will do.

Merlin?

Sorry. Not Merlin.
Handing it over to the other team.

Might that be Stanley Matthews,
the footballer? Known as
'the wizard of the dribble'.

Might that be Stanley Matthews,
the footballer? Known as
'the wizard of the dribble'.

A brilliant piece of lateral
thinking. It's well played, Toxic
Debt, bad luck, Class Of '89.

A brilliant piece of lateral
thinking. It's well played, Toxic
Debt, bad luck, Class Of '89.

(SPORADIC APPLAUSE)

That was brilliant.
I know. Blame it on my youth.

We'll take a break, guys.

Back at four for a needle match
between the Grey Guardians and the
Red Hot Mamas.

You almost shouted at me.

Sorry. I mistook you for my wife.

How can those children possibly know
the answers to those questions?

Yes. That's Ethan.

Thank you.

Do you feel...able to talk about
your husband?

This is supposed to help, isn't it?

I'm sure everybody's told you
that Ethan was a damn fool.

He was...a brilliant damn fool,

but whichever way you look at it,
he didn't deserve to be murdered.

We're told he left Oxford under a
cloud after having an affair with
one of his students.

Who told you that?
One of the Oxford Mafia?

It's confidential. I'm sorry.

Well, it's true...about the affair.

But if every academic who had an
affair with a student left Oxford,

they'd run out of teaching staff
and be asking for volunteers
at the Job Centre.

It was before I met him, anyway.

When did you meet him?

Hall Rise Primary School staff room.

So you didn't know him during
his Oxford days?

No. I'm strictly a redbrick girl.

I do know he was always very bitter
about what happened.
I don't know the details.

Can you hazard a guess?

He was brilliant at languages,
as I'm sure you probably know.

Russian, Polish,
even some of those funny little
Baltic countries.

He did a lot of interpreting and
translating work.

A couple of times he was an
interpreter for some Russian
footballers taking driving tests.

I'm not sure I can divine a motive
for murder there.

There was a period in the early '90s
when he was doing an awful lot of
really high-profile work

There was a period in the early '90s
when he was doing an awful lot of
really high-profile work

and then suddenly it was all
just...hack stuff.

Legal aid for some immigrant fruit
picker in court on a driving charge.

Legal aid for some immigrant fruit
picker in court on a driving charge.

But he never really spoke about
his work, not in detail.

You know...

Ethan was all the things
you already know about him.

He was...immoral.

He was a drinker, self-centred.

But in professional matters,
he was...

..an honourable man.

He believed in things like public
service. That's why he worked for
the union.

Hated all that stuff about
the free market knows best.

Well, he was right all along
about that, wasn't he?

There's something else that you
should know. You might find it hard.

You think it's been easy so far?

I realise that, but...

Sergeant...

..I think it's fair to say
that nothing can hurt me now.

So please say whatever it is.

According to the medical evidence,
he had sex last night
before he died.

I see.

I'm sorry.

You and me both.

But I still loved him.

And admired him.

He just had one big problem
a constitutional inability
to keep it in his trousers.

That's why there were times when...

When what?

There were times when I would have
happily killed the guy myself.

Her exact words, 'kill the guy'.

You think she put out a contract
on him?

All you need is a trained killer.

I'm told you'd like a word.

Thank you. Come in. Sit down,
Lieutenant.

I answer to Diane.
Sorry.

Diane. This is a really silly
question.

That's what this weekend's about,
isn't it? Silly questions.

We've had a whisper that Croft's
killing might have been carried out

on behalf of a jealous former lover,
partner, wife, well,
you take your pick.

on behalf of a jealous former lover,
partner, wife, well,
you take your pick.

What, a professional hit?
We said it was silly.

And we're not accusing
the British Army,

but your professional observations
would be appreciated.

We're just a couple of squaddies...
taking a weekend off to prove
to the world

that even though we're soldiers
we're not mindless zombies.

Any day now we're off
to keep the peace

under the flag of the United Nations
at some pimple on the arsehole of
the universe.

We're here to have fun.

So far, fun's been a bit thin
on the ground.

And we have to check every
possibility.

Now you've ticked that box, you can
file it under 'garbage' and move on.
Are we through?

Unless you had sex with Ethan Croft
last night.

What?
It's a simple enough question.

I imagine you'd remember if you had.

I would remember and I definitely
did not.

Thank you.

I think she'll be very good at
keeping the peace.

Same as her friend,
the silent sergeant.

Carrying out orders without question.

Licensed to kill.

It's what soldiers do.

What, telling lies?

Everyone tells lies.

Especially about sex.

Did you tell them?
What is there to tell?

It's my decision, Sergeant.
My decision.

I thought your team were brilliant
earlier.

We practise hard
and we need the money.

Are any of you aware of
Ethan Croft's work

as a translator and interpreter
during his time at Oxford?

I can't say that I am.
Nor me.

Yes.
Can you elaborate?

I vaguely remember a guy in college
raving about him.

How he'd done some highly original
translations
of Chekhov and Gorky.

Decided they were both very funny
writers. Hence his first,
presumably.

Yes. The Lower Depths,
a laugh on every line.

Mind you, I always did take more
interest in my fellow students
than you did.

I was cursed with ambition.
There's no cure.

And we've had a hint that he might
have done some very high-profile,
highly-sensitive work.

Which, by definition,
would be highly confidential.

And why would he tell any of us
about it?

I'm only a lawyer.
What do lawyers know?

Sorry to keep you waiting, guys.
Just getting the questions in order.

If you'd like to take your places,
this is the next match in our
Quizaholics Weekend

between the Grey Guardians
and the Red Hot Mamas.

If the rest of you would like to sit
down and play the part of the
appreciative audience.

Sorry, everyone.

Call of nature.

We do seem to be missing someone.
Where is Eve?

She said she was going to her room
to swot up on Top 20 hits
since 1955.

Which probably guarantees she's
fallen asleep.

Would anyone like to wake her up?

Would you like me to go?
She's next door to me.

Thank you, you're an angel.
Just as I was getting excited.

Eve.

You're keeping everybody waiting.

Eve.

Eve?

Oh!

Nothing complicated. Been strangled.

From behind.

With?
Bare hands.

As for the timing...

I know about the timing.
She came up to her room at two and
was discovered at four.

She was doing her homework.

We need to know exactly where
everybody was between two and four.
No more fudging.

Shall I round them up?
Yeah, with a whip.

I'm getting sick of these people.

Were you close to Eve?

Well, um...

Yes, I suppose I was.

Babies do that to women.

Until this weekend.

What happened this weekend?
Ethan Croft.

He didn't really remember me.

He pretended to, but...

And then he just made a beeline for
Eve, so I thought to hell with him.

So they went to her room? His room?

His room.

I wouldn't care,
but she has a husband.

He's not much of one, but at least
he's there some of the time.

I don't have anyone.

You have a child?

I have a snotty two-year-old
and a mad grandma.

I think they might have had a row.

I think I heard them arguing
in the corridor outside my room.

And then it just went quiet.

I should have done something.

She might still be alive.
Were you jealous?

Jealous? Why would I be jealous?

You come to rekindle your first love
and he goes off with your best
friend?

I might have been a bit miffed.
You mean jealous enough to commit
murder?

I wasn't accusing you.

God, I hate this place.

I want to go home.

To a snotty two-year-old
and your mad grandma?

Anything's better than this.

Did you hear anything
resembling a row on your landing?

To be perfectly honest, I was
somewhat preoccupied with my own
problems.

Personal or professional?

Private maybe?

Try me.

Have you ever planned an idyllic,
romantic get-away-from-it-all
weekend,

only to have it turn into
a handful of dust?

Now, that really is private.

I'm going to ask you all
to do something very simple.

You all have a piece of paper.

And I want you to write down,
in precise and accurate detail,

what you were doing
between two and four this afternoon.

Plus who you were with.

And if we were alone?
Then that's what you write down.

And I should remind you, if what you
write down turns out to be untrue,

then you'll be guilty of wasting
police time, of obstruction

and all manner of new offences,
which the government is probably
planning

to introduce at any moment as part
of their ongoing fight against
global terrorism.

15 minutes.

How's it going?

What?
The not smoking.

It's a nightmare. I'd rather talk
about my suspect.

Robyn Strong?

It's worth examining as an idea.

Persuade me.

She has a fantasy of a perfect man,
based on the perfect boy she knew
from school.

And what happens? He doesn't
remember her and he runs off with
her so-called best friend.

She'd have to be slightly deranged.

One could argue that all murderers
are slightly deranged.

Especially in a crime of passion.

I don't buy it.

Better ideas?
I'm keeping an open mind.

Sounds like a no.

You're good together, you know.

Who?
You and the doc.

We were going to the opera together.
That's all.

We weren't planning to elope.

I wouldn't even know the way to
Gretna Green.

You said you were overnighting.
Where were you gonna stay?

I booked the tickets.
She booked the hotel.

One room or two?

Do us a favour, will you,
and mind your own business.

Go and find your guitar or something.

(BELLS RING)

They should be ready
to hand in their homework by now.

How are you planning to structure
the rest of the weekend?

Well, a lot of people want
to go home. I assume you'd rather
they didn't.

You assume right.

So I thought a quiet supper,

followed by a quiz,
just for amusement.

Keep it very low-key.

What about the £5,000?

Well, the students are keen
to carry on. They're already
through to the final.

Apart from that, I've had a number
of withdrawals, but the Grey
Guardians...

Apart from that, I've had a number
of withdrawals, but the Grey
Guardians...

The Oxford dons?
They're happy to continue.

So I thought a grand final, for
the money, between those two teams,
tomorrow afternoon.

So I thought a grand final, for
the money, between those two teams,
tomorrow afternoon.

And then people can go.

If you've finished with them
by then.

I sincerely hope I'll be finished
with them by then.
With one obvious exception.

All done?

All done. I half expected
one or two of them to be in Latin,
but we're fine.

Robyn Strong was in her room
brushing up on the quiz questions.

The lawyers and dons
were in the college library.

Ava Taylor, the students and the
soldiers were drinking coffee
in the cafeteria

where they were later joined
by the lawyers and the dons.

Richards? In the dining hall,
getting ready for the quiz.

Right. So now all we have to do
is find out which of them is telling
lies.

For amusement only...

what connects an island in Scotland
with the Olympic Games?

(BELL)

Hoy.
The connection?

The island of Hoy is in the Orkneys.
And Chris Hoy won three gold medals
in the cycling.

Next, what links Isambard Kingdom
Brunel with a former Lancashire
wicket-keeper?

Next, what links Isambard Kingdom
Brunel with a former Lancashire
wicket-keeper?

Too easy.

Speak for yourself.

Brunel was an engineer.
Farouk Engineer kept wicket for
Lancashire.

The answer, therefore, is
'engineer'. Takes one to know one.

Oh, for God's sake,
who gives a damn about any of this?

I suspect the honest answer
is...nobody.

In fairness, Mr Richards is doing
a praiseworthy job

in trying to keep up our spirits
in an impossible situation.

You'd have done well at Dunkirk.

Well, I've had enough of these
silly questions.

There's only one question that
matters here and no-one knows the
answer to that one!

Somebody knows the answer
to that one.

Methinks the lady
doth protest too much.

Is it all right if I...

Feel free. I'm past caring.

The thing is...

you've lost your partner.

I haven't really got one.
Poor old you.

No. I mean I can do the sales pitch
and the flash talk, but...

..really I'm like you,

just lost in a strange land.

I just wondered whether it would
help you...

..if we were lost together?

No ulterior motive.

I'm just suggesting we become kind
of...

..temporary friends.

Till we can get the hell out of
this place.

A temporary friend?

Are you single?

I live on my own...

with some tropical fish.

And all of Bob Dylan's albums.

Probably extremely sad.

But I can give you my word
I'm not a murderer.

How do you know I'm not?

Sorry?

It's all very well us being
special friends,

but one of us is a murderer,
whichever way you look at it.

Not a woman?
I wouldn't be the first.

Nah, it's ridiculous.
Is it?

I suppose it is.

Who knows?

(TICKING)

So, this is where...Ethan did
all his work.

All right if we have a browse?

Of course. Help yourself.
I'll...leave you to it.

So, Mr Ethan Croft, where did you
hide the secrets that could put
people in prison?

So, Mr Ethan Croft, where did you
hide the secrets that could put
people in prison?

And what sort of secrets were they?
Old-fashioned blackmail stuff?

And what sort of secrets were they?
Old-fashioned blackmail stuff?

Laptop?

That's your department.
I'll do the paperwork.

This could take days.
Which we do not have.

Ah.
Problem?

I don't speak Russian. Do you?

I'm only just in control of English.

It's an impressive form of security.

A lot of these are in Russian, too.

Ah. This is better.
English?

Yeah. And there seems to be
a system in amongst all the mess.

Files marked Personal, Business,
School, Trades Union
and Highly Personal.

Files marked Personal, Business,
School, Trades Union
and Highly Personal.

Oh, promising.

Unfortunately...none marked
Top Secret.

You know what, we're gonna have
to take all this stuff away

and just resign ourselves
to getting very little sleep tonight.

Sleep's over-rated,
especially on a Saturday.

Do you have to be so young?

Thanks, Mrs Croft.
You're welcome.

Are you aware of the hourly rate
a Russian translator will charge
at the weekend?

I'm no expert, but I think there's
Polish, as well.

What makes you think the murders
are connected with his work
as a translator?

That's one of three possibilities.
The others being?

I fancy a crime of passion. There's
enough sexual energy there to power
the national grid.

Or it could be related to the quiz
weekend itself.

Our genial host Marcus Richards
seems to me like a fully-paid-up
con artist.

So it's one chance in three
that it's all to do with
the Russians?

As things stand.

We'll find you a translator.
Here's a thing.

What?
Initial medical report on Eve Rigby.

She hadn't had sex recently.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'm gonna let you in on
a little secret. Secret? Wow.

According to our medical records,
Ethan Croft had sex with somebody
before he died.

Sounds like a nice way to go.

But again, according to our medical
records, Eve Rigby hadn't had sex
with anyone,

But again, according to our medical
records, Eve Rigby hadn't had sex
with anyone,

so it leaves us with the question,
who did he have sex with?

How should I know?

Well, I could ask the obvious
question.

Maybe I should ask the obvious
question? Me?

I find that whole idea hysterically
funny, that's how far we've
travelled.

Any joy, enlightenment, jokes?

Is this Ethan Croft's work?

Yeah. How did you know?

We studied together.

There are translations here...

They've got his fingerprints
all over them.

He was brilliant.

But people have probably told you
that. They have.

But this stuff, it's either
literary,

translations of Chekhov and Tolstoy
all the standard authors

and some technical material
that's honestly beyond me.

It was a terrible waste of talent,
you know.

How do you mean?

Well, doing radical versions of
great authors, that's one thing.

Acting as an interpreter for
footballers and businessmen,
that's hack work by comparison.

That's what I do.

If you knew Ethan Croft in his Oxford
days, were you aware of this sexual
harassment business?

If you knew Ethan Croft in his Oxford
days, were you aware of this sexual
harassment business?

Only as a rumour. One moment he was
there and suddenly he was gone.

Accompanied by
a lot of whispering behind hands.

How about old-fashioned paper?

A lot of trade union minutes.

Utterly fascinating.
I'll bet.

He was a very angry
and frustrated man.

Looking in his diary, it's mainly
appointments,

but every so often
he pops in a comment on the news.

He hates the government,
he hates bankers and he hates
the City of London.

He hates the government,
he hates bankers and he hates
the City of London.

Not a bad judge.

I've found budgets here
for some project or other.

Could be engineering.
All seems honest and above board.

Could be engineering.
All seems honest and above board.

Pity.

Breath of fresh air? As long as I can
contaminate it with nicotine.

Everybody tucked up safely?

As far as I know.
I can't check them all personally.

But I've never lost anybody until
this weekend.

Do you remember Ethan Croft
when he was a student here?

I certainly do.
Piss artist and sex maniac.

Which is saying something,
bearing in mind...

..he's a student and they're all
that way inclined.

Were you familiar with him
as a junior lecturer?
When they ran him out of town?

That bad, was it?
Well, no, it was all very
gentlemanly,

this being Oxford.

Other places
he'd have been tarred and feathered.

Do you remember the name of the girl?

I can't remember what she was called
then. I know what she's called now.

Mrs Milner. Can't remember her
first name. Married to Professor
Milner, the engineer?

Yes.
Why didn't you tell us this earlier?

No bugger asked me.

You didn't tell us your wife
was the young woman

who accused Ethan Croft of sexual
harassment.

A sin of omission. I apologise.

Why didn't you tell us?

It was a very painful episode
for her. Traumatic.

The scars took a long time to heal
and I...I didn't want her dragged
into all of this.

The scars took a long time to heal
and I...I didn't want her dragged
into all of this.

It didn't seem relevant.

That implies you know what is
relevant. Not at all.

I'm simply a very protective
husband.

Now, permission to return to
my breakfast?

As long as you promise
not to run away.

Where would I run to?

Mr Lewis.
Good morning.

We'd like to leave at lunchtime.
Sorry. That won't be possible.

We're under orders.
We fly out tomorrow.

To?
I'm not allowed to say.

But I believe there's a lot of sand.

Peace-keeping?
The smart money says so.

As far as I'm concerned, you can
leave the minute we've made
an arrest.

I can talk to your commanding
officer. No need. I'll refer him
directly to you.

By the way, the smart money still
says that Mr Richards is your man.

He's rescheduled the quiz for two
o'clock. That says to me he's
looking for a quick exit.

Aren't we all?

Aye.

Thanks.

(PHONE RINGS)

All right, pet?
Did you find anything?

Ah, that's brilliant.

No, no, hang on, hang on.

I'm gonna have to write this down.

Yeah. OK.

Nice and slow.

I've got news for you.
Oh, good. I enjoy news.

Look. '1948 Gibson L-5 PE guitar with
a honey blonde finish and a Charlie
Christian pickup.'

Look. '1948 Gibson L-5 PE guitar with
a honey blonde finish and a Charlie
Christian pickup.'

Any resemblance to yours?

How did you do this?
You don't do computers.

I phoned my daughter. She told me
where to look, how to do it.

It's amazing.
Is it yours?

Yeah.

And is it really worth £3,000?

Her price is beyond rubies.

I'll take that as a yes, then.

Oh, show time!

We still don't know who Croft had
sex with before he died.

We could ask them all.

The only thing I know for sure is
nobody tells the truth about their
sex life.

That's very good. I'll try and
remember that.

Welcome to the Quizaholics Grand
Final.

Within the next half hour,
one of these two teams will walk
away with £5,000.

Within the next half hour,
one of these two teams will walk
away with £5,000.

To make things more difficult for
them and with the help of my magic
laptop,

they will have to do so
under simulated television studio
conditions.

(JAUNTY PROGRAMME INTRO)

Grey Guardians, are you ready?

I've been ready for 50 years.
Toxic Debt?

Raring to go.
Good luck to both teams.

And we'll start with a round
that I call Very Loose Connections.

What links the following?

Ages and Wisdom.

The number seven.
Would you care to explain?

Shakespeare wrote the famous
Seven Ages of Man speech

and TE Lawrence
wrote the Seven Pillars of Wisdom.

That's correct.

Ah. You'll enjoy this one.

What links Lawrence...and Lawrence?

Yes?
The answer is Shaw.

Why is the answer Shaw?
TE Lawrence was also known as Shaw.

And George Bernard Shaw lived
in a place called Ayot St Lawrence.

Correct.

This is ridiculous. I didn't think
students read books any more.

Don't ask me. I'm only a policeman.

What links Shaw with a park
in New York?

At last. One for the oldies.

Is that your answer?
No. The answer is Artie Shaw.

The great American jazz clarinettist,

who led a band called the Gramercy
Five, named after Gramercy Park in
New York.

The band was also notable for having
a harpsichord instead of the more
usual piano.

Do I get a bonus point for that?

I'm afraid not, but everybody in the
room is deeply impressed, I'm sure.

Yes, I'll meet the price.
Yeah, cash.

My name?

Lewis.

With the teams dead level,
it's down to the sudden death
question.

And you will be delighted to know
that the subject is modern
architecture.

My favourite.
I thought it might be.

Which means the £5,000 first prize
hangs on who is first to answer.

Which means the £5,000 first prize
hangs on who is first to answer.

Who designed...the Guggenheim...

Grey Guardians?
Frank Gehry.

Frank Gehry?

That answer is...

..incorrect.

For heaven's sake, man, I've been to
the Guggenheim. It's in Bilbao.

For heaven's sake, man, I've been to
the Guggenheim. It's in Bilbao.

I will read the question in full.
Who designed the Guggenheim
Museum...

in New York?

Frank Lloyd Wright.
That answer is correct!

Toxic Debt, you win £5,000!

Come forward, Toxic Debt.

Brilliant. Yup, yup.

Congratulations, Toxic Debt.
Well done.

But now, before we all pack our bags
and head for home,

I should just say a word about the
tragic events that have taken place
this weekend.

I should just say a word about the
tragic events that have taken place
this weekend.

I think you've all behaved
brilliantly in the most difficult
of circumstances.

I think you've all behaved
brilliantly in the most difficult
of circumstances.

How low will this man sink?

That's a very good question.

Mr Richards.
Marcus.

I'd like you to come to the police
station and answer a few questions.

Sudden death questions?

We don't know yet. May I?

Is the cheque in the post?

I can explain.

I'm sure you will.

Does this mean the rest of us
can leave?

Not yet. Maybe after tea.

How very English.

Are we in trouble?
Not as much as some other people.

Would you like a biscuit?

Looks like we were right all along.

Naturally.

But I still think you should own up.
What difference would it make?

You tell the truth, it means
I don't have to tell lies
or withhold evidence.

You see, if I was expecting a cheque
for £5,000, this would be deeply
disappointing.

You see, if I was expecting a cheque
for £5,000, this would be deeply
disappointing.

Mea culpa.
It's a scam, isn't it?

A modest one.

You pay students a few quid and tell
them the answers in advance?

They need the money more than the
old farts. Call it a social service.

How much do you pay them?
Couple of hundred each, cash.

They get free board and lodging.
From their point of view, a very
good deal.

And from my point of view,
it's illegal.

Well, slightly.
I mean, nobody gets hurt.

Two people have been murdered!

That's nothing to do with me.

Pardon the expression,
but that's what they all say.

OK. Two-bit conman.

Guilty as charged.

To save you checking,
I've pulled the same stroke

at regular intervals
over the last few years.

On a good weekend,
I might clear a couple of grand.

I'm never going to get rich and,
as a matter of fact,
it's very hard work.

I do not kill people, Mr Lewis.

Even when they realise
what you're up to?

I don't kill them.

I give them money.
I've done it before.

It's one thing I've learned.
You can buy people's silence.

It's amazingly cheap.
(KNOCKING)

Yeah.

Sir, can I have a word?

Lieutenant Baxter called. She wants
to speak to one of us. It sounded
urgent.

I knew she was holding out on us.
We don't know for certain.

Trust me.

What about Richards?

Says he's not the murdering kind.
I tend to agree. Too spineless.

But it won't do any harm for the rest
to think the case is closed.

A false sense of security?
Can't do any harm.

Go talk to the army.
I'll follow you later.

Saturday night, when Croft was
murdered...

..I had sex with him.

And I hit him.

In that order?
Yes.

Can you be more specific?

I was on my way to bed and I almost
collided with him and Eve Rigby.

They were having a row.
She went off to her room
and I started talking to him.

Or, to be more precise,
listening to him.

He was an interesting guy and...

..well, I fancied him. So...bingo.

This was his room?
Yes.

Why did you hit him?

His wife telephoned at,
you might say, a crucial moment.

I didn't know he had a wife.
So I gave him a swift backhander.

That's how I got the bruises on my
hand. Your guvnor spotted them.

He's very good.
Mm.

So you whacked him.
And then what happened?

I went to my room. And Croft said
he needed another drink.

I don't blame him.
He went to the bar?

His exact words were, 'I'm gonna make
those bastards squirm.'

Any bastards in particular?

The Oxford variety.
He had serious hang-ups about Oxford.

And he kept going on about Helsinki.

Helsinki?

It's the capital of Finland.

Thanks, I know where Helsinki is.

Helsinki? Can you check that?

No need.
I know exactly what that's about.

It's an engineering research
laboratory.
And the Professor of Engineering is?

Charles Milner, eminent quiz
competitor. But who paid for it?

You and me, the taxpayers?

Not exactly.
According to the website,

it's a unique collaboration between
the British government, the Russian
government

and major industrial interests of
both countries, back in the '90s.

This is when the Russians
were learning to be capitalists.

And before they started
taking over our football teams?

Ethan Croft was an interpreter
during the negotiations,

some of which were held in Helsinki.

If he got to know some of these guys
and I'm not saying they're all
gangsters or Mafia types,

but if he did and had access
to valuable information...

Industrial espionage?

There are hints here and there
of defence contracts.

A freelance spy? Explains why he was
kicked out of Oxford.

Everyone knows Oxford and Cambridge
are chock full of spies and
traitors.

That's just stereotypical thinking.
Which, of course, you share.

Some of the time.

Who's gonna suspect
a primary school teacher

of selling our secrets to
the Russians or vice versa?

So who killed him?

How long is this likely to go on?

As long as the proverbial piece of
string, I should imagine.

I was assuming our genial quiz
master must be the...

Guilty party?

One hesitates to accuse the man
directly.

Did you get any sense of what was
going on when you talked to the
sergeant?

Nothing at all.

Perhaps we should just drink
our tea.

How very English.
So you keep saying.

And very tedious it is, too.

Sorry.

Just to let everybody know,
I've been released without a stain
on my character.

Professor Milner.

I'm talking about a couple of dons
and some lawyers

who were in the library yesterday
afternoon. I was here. I saw them.

It's a silly question,
but what did they do?

Browsed. Usual thing
with guys like that.

They check their books are on the
shelves in the right places.

They look in Who's Who to make sure
their entries have been properly
updated.

That's about it.

Well, it is Oxford.
Did you know any of them?

Sorry. I hate to be stereotypical,
but they all look alike to me.

And Who's Who is...?

Thank you.

We had a look at your new building.
It's very impressive.

It's not all that new.
It's been open almost ten years.

We think it's unique. A millennium
project that actually works.

And Ethan Croft was translator
and interpreter in Helsinki during
the financial negotiations.

And Ethan Croft was translator
and interpreter in Helsinki during
the financial negotiations.

I believe so.

So you must have worked with him
quite closely at the time?

Not at all. I was one of a team.

The Russians were there
in equally large numbers.

We were in a big room full of people

with Croft sitting in a corner
doing simultaneous translations
into our headphones.

It's...it's an invaluable skill,

but it doesn't form the basis
for a lasting friendship.

And he wasn't the only one.

There were other interpreters?

Croft left hurriedly under a cloud.
He had to be replaced.

The affair with your wife.

Quite so. Though...

..she wasn't my wife at the time.

We'll need to talk to your wife.

I'd rather you didn't.

As I said, it was a traumatic
experience for her.

Will she be at home?

She'll be at church.
She plays the organ.

(ORGAN PLAYS)

Mrs Milner?

We're told that you had an affair
with Ethan Croft which led to him
losing his job here in Oxford.

We're told that you had an affair
with Ethan Croft which led to him
losing his job here in Oxford.

Well, it's sort of true.

'Sort of true' doesn't mean much
in law, Mrs Milner.

Well, it's true we had an affair.

But it wasn't a case of a junior
lecturer seducing a first-year
student.

That part of it was sort of 50-50.

So how did he lose his job?

I was asked to sign a simple
statement admitting to the affair.
So I did.

It was true,
so there seemed no harm in it.

Who asked you to sign it?
The head of my college.

And if you hadn't signed?

It was made very clear that it would
have a serious effect on my degree.

What sort of degree did you get?

A first.

Look, I know it sounds like I took
the pieces of silver, but I didn't
tell any lies.

I simply signed a short factual
statement.

Why did they want rid of Ethan?

I have no idea of the details and
he refused to talk about it. But...

..I'm pretty sure he was
a whistle-blower.

A whistle-blower?

Something was going on
and he knew about it.

I was used to get rid of him.

Ethan Croft was a whistle-blower.

Which implies that somebody is
guilty of foul play.

We know he was part of the
negotiations with the Russians

for the financing of Professor
Milner's shiny new engineering
building.

Was somebody not playing by
the rules?

It's possible.

Hi. Can you do something for me?

Crawl all over the documents relating
to the engineering building,
see who was involved.

Crawl all over the documents relating
to the engineering building,
see who was involved.

I want lots of names.
That's easy. I'm very good at names.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
What's to be sorry about?

I don't think this was a crime of
passion. Which means
you're probably wrong.

Even I can be wrong sometimes.

Maybe a reckless thing to say,
but this is beginning to make sense.

Would it cheer you up if we collected
your guitar on the way back?

Yes, it would.

Do you know Starvin' Marvin's?

No. You'll have to teach me.

The man's name is Davis. I bought
the guitar from him three years ago.

But I thought he'd be likely
to remember my name.
So he's expecting a Mr Lewis.

It might well have been stolen
property then
and it certainly is now.

What is he expecting from
this Mr Lewis?

£3,000 in cash.

I don't actually have £3,000 on me.

It being...Sunday.

And how am I meant to identify this
as the right instrument?

He might try and fob me off
with some old banjo.

Look inside the lid.

Your guitar has a lid?
I thought only pianos had lids.

Inside the lid of the case.

I know it sounds pathetic,
but I collect autographs from
famous guitarists.

You'll find them inside...
Inside the lid.

Tell me some names
so I know what to look out for.

Martin Taylor, Dave Cliff, Phil Lee,
Pat Metheny,
Russell Malone, John Parricelli...

Martin Taylor, Dave Cliff, Phil Lee,
Pat Metheny,
Russell Malone, John Parricelli...

Thank you. That's enough names.

Mr Lewis?

I'm here to collect a guitar.

Be my guest. Got the cash?

May I...see the goods?

OK?

Yeah.

You're under arrest.
What?

This guitar was stolen from the boot
of a car late on Friday evening.

I know his face.

Detective Sergeant Hathaway,
Oxford police.

We've done business before.

Oh. Bugger.

(PHONE RINGS)

Lewis.
Where the hell are you?

We're dealing with a double murder.
You're not at the murder scene and
not here.

The only person here
is a very expensive Russian
translator.

I'm told you're on a related
inquiry. In what way related?

Er...both happened
on the bank holiday weekend.

That's twaddle.

But your translator has turned up
a couple of little gems

which might just get you
off the hook.

According to our information,
gleaned from Ethan Croft's computer
files,

your deal with the Russians
who were financing the engineering
building

didn't run all that smoothly.

These things are always complicated.

The company that was originally
involved pulled out

and you ended up working with
some exceedingly dubious oligarchs.

I'm an engineer. No more, no less.

I had nothing to do with
those people.

So who did?

Thank you for looking after me.

The feeling's mutual.
Don't be a stranger.

Well, we've done the telephone
numbers. So, what do they eat?

Sorry?

I was thinking maybe I could come
and see you and bring something for
your tropical fish.

Ah.

I lied about the tropical fish.

You don't have any?

No. I do have two teenage children.
And a wife?

I just wanted you to feel better.

Excuse me. I think I'm needed.

Does this mean people can go home?
More or less.

Except we'd like a word with
Mr Anderson.

Me?

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

You promised me a weekend to
remember. I know.

I doubt I'll forget it.

Perhaps next time
they should go to the other place.

You work for a firm of
corporate lawyers,

specialists in brokering
international business deals.

Yes. And you did the deal for the
financing of the new engineering
building?

We did. And very tedious it was,
too.

Why?

Russians have their own way
of doing business.

Yeah. And somewhere along the line,

one lot of Russians disappeared
and were replaced with another lot.

Not dissimilar to gangsters.

Money was laundered. Money from
drugs, prostitution, protection,
people smuggling.

That is an absurd suggestion.

And Ethan Croft, as the official
translator, was a witness
to the whole transaction.

And he left complete records of all
this on his computer files.

Ethan Croft was a womaniser
and a fantasist.

Also, a wild-eyed Trot,
still marooned in the 1980s.

But honourable in his own way.
Even his wife said so. That's why
he couldn't be bought off.

So when he tried to blow the whistle,

you and your old university cronies
conspired to stitch him up
for sexual harassment.

you and your old university cronies
conspired to stitch him up
for sexual harassment.

You two are even bigger fantasists
than he was.

Why didn't you join your friends
for coffee after you left the
library yesterday afternoon?

But I did. We browsed in the library
and then went for a coffee.

Here's the bill.

Three coffees, three cheesecakes.

McCavity wasn't there.

Why wait all these years?

You've lost me.

If you're going to murder
Ethan Croft, why wait until now?

It must be the knighthood.
I blame the Queen.

You get a knighthood
in the New Year's Honours List

for services to the law
and international relations?

That's a step too far for Mr Croft.

So, this weekend the two of you are
down here answering silly questions

and he threatens to lift up the stone
and let all those creepy-crawlies
see the light of day.

And being a womaniser and a
show-off, he decides to share
the information with Eve Rigby.

Oh, is that the proposition?
That I killed both of them?

That's most certainly
the proposition.

You heard them arguing
outside your room.

They both knew about your grubby
little secrets.
So they both had to go.

I am a lawyer. I don't murder
people.

I wouldn't know where to start.
Wrong.

You'd know exactly where to start.

According to your Who's Who entry,
you're an expert in martial arts,

which, in plain English,
makes you a trained killer.

Who's Who?

Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.

He may have been a trained killer,

but he wasn't smart enough to wear
gloves when he strangled Eve Rigby.

We'll get a DNA match?
Past the post and weighed in.

I'll pretend I understand that.

Have we really finished
for the night?

Yeah. All's right with the world.

On a purely temporary basis, of
course. I've got a husband to
confront when I get home.

I've got my baby back.

Stop it.

I assume that guitar is or was
the related inquiry?

Yeah.
The Gibson factor.

It wasn't related at all?
Hardly at all, no.

Just be grateful I'm nice.
Good night, gentlemen.

BOTH: Night.

Hi, Laura?

Listen, I know it's a bit late,
but we might just find
somewhere that's still open.

What do you think?
Bit of a consolation prize?

What does she think?

It's personal.

There's nothing I can do.
It's a bank holiday weekend.

It's so busy. I'm sorry.

Same story again. 'It's a bank
holiday weekend. You should have
booked a table.'

Same story again. 'It's a bank
holiday weekend. You should have
booked a table.'

Damn.

Desperate times, desperate measures.
Wait there.

Who'd have thought that one day
haddock would be a luxury food?

And that we'd get little forks
to eat it with?

Yeah. I know how to give a girl
a good time.

I'm sorry about the opera, though.

Mm, me, too.

Had you booked somewhere nice
to stay?

Just a modern little country house
hotel in its own grounds,

with a swimming pool,
and a gymnasium, a jogging trail.

And just to stop you wondering,
I'd booked two rooms.

Of course.

It would have been a damn sight more
exciting than a quiz weekend.

What's the attraction about quizzes?
Why do people do it?

Compulsive list-makers.
Clinically speaking, they're...
obsessive neurotics.

Compulsive list-makers.
Clinically speaking, they're...
obsessive neurotics.

Here's a question.

If you went on Mastermind,
what would be your chosen specialist
subject?

Well, the thing I know most about
is...

..corpses.

That would go down great.
A barrel of laughs.

What about your specialist subject?

Aside from work and the kids,
I haven't got one.

What about loneliness?

Pass.

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