Inside Amy Schumer (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - #DUPE# - full transcript
Oh, George, I'm so mixed up
about everything.
Folks trying to stop us.
(text alert ringing)
They've always tried
to run my life.
Like when I wanted to go to a
dance with a roadie.
(phone ringing)
What's up?
That guy Bobby just texted me.
The one who wouldn't hook up
with you
'cause you
said you look like his mom?
No, no, no, no--
No, Bobby is the guy--
I hooked
up with him--
Well, we didn't really hook up
'cause I couldn't get him hard.
I thought his name was Graham.
No, that happened with him, too,
but, no, no, no, Bobby's
the one I, like,
really, really,
really, really like.
What should I do?
Just be yourself.
All right, love you.
Hello?
♪
God, this is a good
looking crowd.
Wow, good job, you guys.
Oh my God, don't clap for how hot
you are, look at those chicks.
They're like,
we (bleep) brought it.
You did, though.
You know what
I realized, though?
Like, we don't need to be
trying so hard.
Like, look at you.
You obviously showered,
you look gorgeous.
We don't need to do that.
Guys are (bleep) gross.
If you saw a line-up of, like,
the grossest chick
that a guy would (bleep),
you would be blown away.
You probably stepped over her
to get in this place tonight.
♪
(Amy) A lot of people
have been telling me
I look like Jennifer Lawrence.
I don't see that.
Well, I know I'm taller
than her.
I'm not crazy.
Jim, what's your problem?
I just don't understand why
you guys would take me here.
Because you love hot wings.
What are you talking
about right now?
I do, they're fine,
it's just a guy doesn't want to come
to O'Nutters right after a breakup.
Why?
'Cause there are a couple
of good-looking waiters here?
Hey ladies, how we doing?
- Hey.
- Hey.
All right, hey, excuse me.
My nuts are down here.
(laughing)
Hey, I'm Amber, welcome
to O'Nutters.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So who's been here before?
All right, so can I start anybody
off with a little pinot greej?
- I'll have one.
- Yeah, me too.
Can I have a beer?
Uh, sorry, broham, no beer,
but we do have skinny girl
white zin spritzers
and if you'd like, I
can 86 the parasol,
throw in a lemon chunk for you.
I'll just have a pinot.
All right, three pinots
for my three pinoteers.
Hey, um.
Normally, I wouldn't risk
getting in trouble,
but you guys seem super cool.
If I were you, I'd go for the
pitcher, save you a few bucks.
- Right.
- Great tip, thank you.
Let's do it.
You got it, no problem.
I'm being serious right now.
You guys are models, right?
What?
Stop.
Oh my God!
We all work at Payless.
Oh my God, that's my
favorite shoe store.
Get out.
But you guys should quit
and become models.
I'll be right back
with those pinots, guys.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
Oh my God.
That was so cool, he told us
about the pitcher deal.
He did not have to do that.
I should get his number
and have him go out with us
- when he gets off work.
- Oh my God.
Wake up.
He's just trying to get
a bigger tip.
Jim, okay,
I know that you're still bummed
about Karen,
but please, don't
just dump your negativity on us.
At work it's one thing,
you know, all the shoes are
around, the people,
but here, on our
time, please get it together.
We have one hour for lunch,
we're here
to have a great time, okay?
Listen, I don't mean to
eavesdrop on you, brosef,
but you don't want to end up
like Rupert over there.
(glass smashing)
Yeah, after his wife left him, he
went into a real deep depression.
Got pretty bad.
He forgot how to live.
So sad.
Don't let that happen
to you, man, okay?
Thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, give me some nuts.
What?
Give him some nuts, Jim.
Go on, Jim.
There you go.
A little of this and a little of
that and you return the favor.
Touch 'em.
Yeah, see?
There you go, huh--
Fun?
So cute.
Yeah.
It feels good, Jim--
It's fun, right?
What did I just do?
It's good.
Go with it, Jim, don't ruin this.
You know what, guys?
I think I have got just the cure
for senor sad sack over here.
The check?
(whistling)
Wet nut contest!
(cheering)
Go, go, go!
Woo!
♪
Jim, get up!
Get up!
(victorious yelling)
(victorious yelling)
♪
(Amy) Everybody wants their
soul mate now.
You gotta have your soul mate.
Even my mom's still looking
for her soul mate.
She's 64.
Her new boyfriend's 70.
I had to meet her 70-year-old
boyfriend and make small talk.
This is what it sounded like.
So, Michael, what wars
were you in?
She's like, talk to him.
I'm like, can he hear me?
He's not, like, young, spry,
like, 70,
he's like
Schindler's List-y, like--
I'm half-Jewish, I can
half-say that.
He really is.
They're like, new, they're
in love.
They're like, we're at a restaurant
and she's, like, feeding him,
but it just looks like he needs
that, it's just like--
They're coming
over 'cause they're concerned.
She thinks they're so cute.
She thinks
it's so adorable to be like,
"We're going steady,
we're going steady."
I'm like, look at him walking
to the bathroom.
Like, no one's
going steady, he's like--
♪
All of our friends had left us
and we were both stuck there.
I mean, Napa Valley of
all places,
but that's
basically how Carlos and I met.
I am very happy to meet you.
Also, I'm finished.
Oh my God, Grandma,
no, Carlos is not a busboy.
He's my boyfriend.
I'm so sorry.
Amy, it's okay, she grew up
during a different time.
Tell him to start mowing
the lawn by the pool
so it'll be quiet for my nap.
(announcer) Look familiar?
Are you tired of your
elderly relatives
thinking their
blatant racism is okay?
I don't know how to help my
(bleep) grandma!
There is an answer.
Generations.
A revolutionary new facility
where we give
your elderly loved ones
the politically correct
social skills
to get along
in the modern world.
This person is what?
Drug mule.
A gardener?
No.
Latino.
In our
state-of-the-art facilities,
we use an obstacle course to teach
them fear-hiding techniques.
No!
We'll show them hard evidence
defying stereotypes.
Okay, everybody,
now watch very closely.
Somebody help him!
I'm perfectly fine!
(applauding)
Thank you for your concern.
He's so articulate.
That's not a compliment.
In our two-week Asian intensive,
your loved one will first learn
what words are "never-says."
Chinaman.
That's a never-say.
Orient--
Never-say.
Here at Generations, through
repetition, patience,
so much patience,
hand-holding, gentle cajoling
and coupon reinforcement,
we prove that you
can teach an old dog new tricks.
Here's my new class now.
Bitch, I'm trying to help you.
Generations.
♪
I live in Chelsea, you know
that neighborhood in New York?
It's all gay guys.
It's so painful.
I'm just, like, living in a sea
of gorgeous gay men
that want nothing to do with me.
But they'll still chime
in on my outfit,
like they'll
be like, "Gross."
I'm like, what?
The other day, I really heard
one of them be like, "HPV."
I was like, um, are you
a psychic?
Some kind of a gay psychic?
♪
♪ Somebody's really
pretty today ♪
♪ Somebody's
really pretty today ♪
(phone text beeping)
(shutter clicking)
Ugh.
(shutter clicking)
God.
(shutter clicking)
(shutter clicks)
Ooh, ooh.
(phone ringing)
Jess?
(Jess) What's wrong?
Okay, Bobby just text me,
he wants me to send him, like,
a sexy picture.
Oh my God, did you?
No, no, I've been trying and
they're just, like, really bad.
Should I just
send him that one where--
Remember I met Hillary Clinton
at LaGuardia?
Should I send him that one?
You can, like, basically see
my nipple.
They made me take it off Facebook,
so it's definitely not not sexual.
You're taking them yourself?
Yeah... Wait, what?
- Honey, let me call my guy.
- Your guy?
(phone text beeping)
Oh, that's Bobby again.
Okay, I'm calling Danny P.
right now.
Danny P.?
(knocking)
- Hi, come on in.
- Hi, thank you.
Cute place.
Do you teach art to cats?
Can I offer you something?
Offer me what?
Half a coconut water
and the dirt from your Brita?
I think I'm actually good,
lonelybones, I'm kind of in a rush.
What do you got already,
let's see.
Ooh.
Why the cactus?
That's not a--
that's not a cactus.
Okay, we need the bush
team on standby,
it looks like
she's got a Hasidic rabbi
living in her underpants.
No offense.
Okay.
We're just gonna clean you up,
it'll take a second.
20 minutes.
Don't worry, you're in good
hands, okay?
I've done everyone's.
I'm talking Blake Lively,
Scarlett Jo, George Lopez.
It was actually my idea to make
Brett Favre's dick,
like, bright yellow.
- No, that was you?
- That was me.
Let's get to it.
Did you wear that yesterday?
Yes!
Very good, but don't forget
your duck mouth,
don't forget that duck mouth.
Now you're in a boat.
You're in a boat because you're
Pocahontas and it's the new world!
Maybe less feathers.
Smile like you don't
have Spanx on.
Yeah!
Lay back
and look really alluring.
Well, actually, don't look dead.
You're pregnant!
You're pregnant with gift cards!
Yeah!
Oh-- Are you
gonna (bleep) your pants?
Oh my God, are you gonna
(bleep) your pants?
You're so comfy.
Too comfy.
Too comfy.
Look, if you don't watch your
(bleep) shadow, I will remove it.
Here we go.
Yes!
You've got a secret and only the
pillow can know.
Wash yourself.
Wash your whole body and your
armpits and under your boobs.
Amy!
Oh no, there's a spider
in your hair!
There's a spider in your hair!
No!
There's a spider in your hair,
get it out!
Yes!
We have our shot, that's a wrap.
You were amazing.
Yoko!
Unplug everything, we're gonna
burn this rat's nest down.
You were so great.
I'd love to stay and chat, but
I've got to run downtown.
I have to shoot Diane Keaton
bottomless with a turtleneck
like an hour ago, I'm sure you
understand.
Oh my God, I just don't
know how to thank you.
Just get (bleep).
Bonsoir.
(phone sending tone)
(phone alert)
Anybody ever ask you to send
them sexy pictures?
I might be a victim.
Oh (bleep).
I'm definitely--
Whoever I send sexy pictures to,
they're the victim.
What do they ask for?
We're trying to, like, get a
general consensus of,
like, what kind
of sexy pics guys ask for.
Um, I guess ass, titties,
I don't know.
Ass and titties,
ass, ass and titties.
Has a guy ever asked you to
send him a sexy pic?
Yes.
- Yeah.
- Did you?
It takes like a hundred shots
to get the right one.
You should just do what I do.
Only do it without your
head in them.
- Yes, yes.
- Right?
- What are you?
- Pisces.
- No, I mean, what race?
- Turkish.
Did you ever send a picture of
your penis to anybody?
No?
That is such a yes!
Oh my gosh.
I caved in, it was too much
peer pressure, I had to do it.
Why, she was like, send me a
picture of your Turkish delight?
Pretty much.
I've never sent a sexy
picture of myself.
You've never sent somebody a
picture of your boobs or anything?
No, God, no, never.
What about your butthole?
You know, I don't think I've
ever even seen my butthole.
You've never seen your butthole?
No.
Can I just tell you
something... don't look.
Have you ever--
you and your boyfriend
ever send sex messages
to each other?
Yes.
Has he ever sent
you a picture of his dick?
Yes.
Do you like it?
Ehh.
♪
♪
- What were you hoping to do tonight?
- Just hang out.
- What's your favorite type of porn?
- None.
- Do you have any gay friends?
- Not that I know of.
Have you ever heard the phrase
"oozing with charisma"?
- Yes.
- I bet.
How long have you
got a moustache?
I guess, a couple of months.
- Are you a virgin?
- No.
OK.
- Is your boyfriend French?
- No. He's from Ja**.
Is that definitely a place?
I feel like our interview
isn't gonna go anywhere.
What do you think?
Have you ever hit
anybody in the face?
- Slapped them.
- Yeah.
- My twin sister.
- You have a twin sister?
Yes.
- Oh my Gosh, you slapped your face?
- Yeah.
Did you feel the pain?
***
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Yes, I do.
Are you getting ready
to pop that question?
Will you have a threesome?
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
All right, this interview is over.
- So Kristin, you are a stripper.
- Yes.
And how long have you
been doing that?
About two and a half years.
What was the first time
you stripped like?
I went on stage and I was, like,
clinging to the pole, awkwardly
dancing, just awkward.
Well, how did you know--
Like, if I were
to try to pole dance,
I would not know the first
thing to do.
It would probably
look like I was vacuuming.
I personally always clean the
pole down before I go onstage.
Why don't they
have somebody do that?
I don't know, they should.
It takes a little bit of the mystique
out of it to see a girl, like--
Right?
- Wiping the pole.
- Like, cleaning it.
- Like it's an elliptical.
- Right.
So how much do you feel like
you have to manipulate guys?
Like, how much
is that a part of it?
It's a huge part
of it, actually.
Like, they want someone to give
them attention and like them.
The best stripper who makes
the most money,
how many guys do you think
are out there in the world
in love with her?
Probably quite a few.
I would saying pushing,
between 40 and 50.
Wow.
And how many did you have
at the most?
I have almost 20.
Like, 20 guys that--
Probably almost thought you
were, like, their girlfriend.
Yeah.
Like, they would bring you gifts
and jewelry and flowers
and one guy started crying
in the champagne room
'cause he wanted
me to, like, meet his mom.
I'm like, no, no,
that's where we draw the line.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Does your boyfriend have a
pencil beard?
No.
Does he wear a lot of, like, collared
shirts with a lot of stripes?
Yes.
Yes, he does.
What's the oldest guy you ever
gave a lap dance to?
Um, I think he was like 97.
His sons brought him in
for his birthday
and they had
to, like, wheel him in.
Yeah.
You gave a lapdance in a
wheelchair?
It was so awkward, yes.
Well, I didn't even
want to do it,
but my manager was just like,
follow me, and I'm like--
I know where is this going.
- To the wheelchair.
- Yes, exactly.
He had
a catheter attached to him.
Walk me through that.
So there's like a squishy
little bag
and I'm like,
oh my God, is that really--
And I'm sort of examining,
I'm like, oh no.
Yes, it is.
It was disgusting.
When people find out
that you strip,
what's the first
thing that they assume?
Um, they associate it with
like prostitution
or, like, you're a whore
or whatever, but that's
not the case.
You know what,
I really would bet anything
that I'm a bigger whore
than you.
I would-- I could give
you a real run for your money.
Are you ever
just, like, dancing for fun
and you feel like it's not fair
and people should be paying you?
Yeah.
I was with a girl that
I don't like
and we actually
got stuck in an elevator.
The fire department had to
come and get us out.
We had to, like, crawl,
'cause it was, like, unlevel,
and we had to, like, boost
each other up.
Wow.
And we're like fighting
the whole time back and forth,
I'm just like, get the (bleep)
away from me, like, yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I don't see how
that relates
- to what I just asked you.
- Yeah, no.
I just felt the need to share
that story with everyone.
Okay, okay, well, no, I mean,
that sounds like a tough night.
What's the most you've ever
made in a shift?
I think it was like, $2,800.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
What's the least you ever
made in a shift?
The least was about three.
- Three what?
- Hundred.
You don't want to go and, like,
take your clothes off for,
like, $300, so...
I have done it
for free so many times.
I'm like, that sounds awesome.
I have had people pay me to put
my clothes back on.
♪
How do you
commit to one person, though?
How do you say yes to
one person?
Like, for me, as I get older,
the sex that I'm into changes.
It does.
Like, I used to sleep with
mostly Hispanic guys,
but now I
just prefer consensual.
(laughing and applauding)
We've all been a little raped,
okay, just a skotch, just a hair.
Every girl I know has one night,
usually in college
and she's like, huh.
I think that was rape.
Not totes consensh.
I don't remember yelling "yes."
And it's not all
black and white.
There's a gray area of rape.
Like, you've been graped.
I can tell.
Grape happens.
What do you want me to say?
♪
All right, three pinots.
I guess that makes
me the umpire.
One, two, three
pinots and I'm out.
All right, I guess that
makes me Gepetto
and my
three Pinot-chios!
If I were you,
I'd go with a pitcher.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,
It's so embarrassing.
(laughing)
All right, I'm cool, I'm cool.
(woman) So easy.
(man) Magic.
about everything.
Folks trying to stop us.
(text alert ringing)
They've always tried
to run my life.
Like when I wanted to go to a
dance with a roadie.
(phone ringing)
What's up?
That guy Bobby just texted me.
The one who wouldn't hook up
with you
'cause you
said you look like his mom?
No, no, no, no--
No, Bobby is the guy--
I hooked
up with him--
Well, we didn't really hook up
'cause I couldn't get him hard.
I thought his name was Graham.
No, that happened with him, too,
but, no, no, no, Bobby's
the one I, like,
really, really,
really, really like.
What should I do?
Just be yourself.
All right, love you.
Hello?
♪
God, this is a good
looking crowd.
Wow, good job, you guys.
Oh my God, don't clap for how hot
you are, look at those chicks.
They're like,
we (bleep) brought it.
You did, though.
You know what
I realized, though?
Like, we don't need to be
trying so hard.
Like, look at you.
You obviously showered,
you look gorgeous.
We don't need to do that.
Guys are (bleep) gross.
If you saw a line-up of, like,
the grossest chick
that a guy would (bleep),
you would be blown away.
You probably stepped over her
to get in this place tonight.
♪
(Amy) A lot of people
have been telling me
I look like Jennifer Lawrence.
I don't see that.
Well, I know I'm taller
than her.
I'm not crazy.
Jim, what's your problem?
I just don't understand why
you guys would take me here.
Because you love hot wings.
What are you talking
about right now?
I do, they're fine,
it's just a guy doesn't want to come
to O'Nutters right after a breakup.
Why?
'Cause there are a couple
of good-looking waiters here?
Hey ladies, how we doing?
- Hey.
- Hey.
All right, hey, excuse me.
My nuts are down here.
(laughing)
Hey, I'm Amber, welcome
to O'Nutters.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So who's been here before?
All right, so can I start anybody
off with a little pinot greej?
- I'll have one.
- Yeah, me too.
Can I have a beer?
Uh, sorry, broham, no beer,
but we do have skinny girl
white zin spritzers
and if you'd like, I
can 86 the parasol,
throw in a lemon chunk for you.
I'll just have a pinot.
All right, three pinots
for my three pinoteers.
Hey, um.
Normally, I wouldn't risk
getting in trouble,
but you guys seem super cool.
If I were you, I'd go for the
pitcher, save you a few bucks.
- Right.
- Great tip, thank you.
Let's do it.
You got it, no problem.
I'm being serious right now.
You guys are models, right?
What?
Stop.
Oh my God!
We all work at Payless.
Oh my God, that's my
favorite shoe store.
Get out.
But you guys should quit
and become models.
I'll be right back
with those pinots, guys.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
Oh my God.
That was so cool, he told us
about the pitcher deal.
He did not have to do that.
I should get his number
and have him go out with us
- when he gets off work.
- Oh my God.
Wake up.
He's just trying to get
a bigger tip.
Jim, okay,
I know that you're still bummed
about Karen,
but please, don't
just dump your negativity on us.
At work it's one thing,
you know, all the shoes are
around, the people,
but here, on our
time, please get it together.
We have one hour for lunch,
we're here
to have a great time, okay?
Listen, I don't mean to
eavesdrop on you, brosef,
but you don't want to end up
like Rupert over there.
(glass smashing)
Yeah, after his wife left him, he
went into a real deep depression.
Got pretty bad.
He forgot how to live.
So sad.
Don't let that happen
to you, man, okay?
Thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, give me some nuts.
What?
Give him some nuts, Jim.
Go on, Jim.
There you go.
A little of this and a little of
that and you return the favor.
Touch 'em.
Yeah, see?
There you go, huh--
Fun?
So cute.
Yeah.
It feels good, Jim--
It's fun, right?
What did I just do?
It's good.
Go with it, Jim, don't ruin this.
You know what, guys?
I think I have got just the cure
for senor sad sack over here.
The check?
(whistling)
Wet nut contest!
(cheering)
Go, go, go!
Woo!
♪
Jim, get up!
Get up!
(victorious yelling)
(victorious yelling)
♪
(Amy) Everybody wants their
soul mate now.
You gotta have your soul mate.
Even my mom's still looking
for her soul mate.
She's 64.
Her new boyfriend's 70.
I had to meet her 70-year-old
boyfriend and make small talk.
This is what it sounded like.
So, Michael, what wars
were you in?
She's like, talk to him.
I'm like, can he hear me?
He's not, like, young, spry,
like, 70,
he's like
Schindler's List-y, like--
I'm half-Jewish, I can
half-say that.
He really is.
They're like, new, they're
in love.
They're like, we're at a restaurant
and she's, like, feeding him,
but it just looks like he needs
that, it's just like--
They're coming
over 'cause they're concerned.
She thinks they're so cute.
She thinks
it's so adorable to be like,
"We're going steady,
we're going steady."
I'm like, look at him walking
to the bathroom.
Like, no one's
going steady, he's like--
♪
All of our friends had left us
and we were both stuck there.
I mean, Napa Valley of
all places,
but that's
basically how Carlos and I met.
I am very happy to meet you.
Also, I'm finished.
Oh my God, Grandma,
no, Carlos is not a busboy.
He's my boyfriend.
I'm so sorry.
Amy, it's okay, she grew up
during a different time.
Tell him to start mowing
the lawn by the pool
so it'll be quiet for my nap.
(announcer) Look familiar?
Are you tired of your
elderly relatives
thinking their
blatant racism is okay?
I don't know how to help my
(bleep) grandma!
There is an answer.
Generations.
A revolutionary new facility
where we give
your elderly loved ones
the politically correct
social skills
to get along
in the modern world.
This person is what?
Drug mule.
A gardener?
No.
Latino.
In our
state-of-the-art facilities,
we use an obstacle course to teach
them fear-hiding techniques.
No!
We'll show them hard evidence
defying stereotypes.
Okay, everybody,
now watch very closely.
Somebody help him!
I'm perfectly fine!
(applauding)
Thank you for your concern.
He's so articulate.
That's not a compliment.
In our two-week Asian intensive,
your loved one will first learn
what words are "never-says."
Chinaman.
That's a never-say.
Orient--
Never-say.
Here at Generations, through
repetition, patience,
so much patience,
hand-holding, gentle cajoling
and coupon reinforcement,
we prove that you
can teach an old dog new tricks.
Here's my new class now.
Bitch, I'm trying to help you.
Generations.
♪
I live in Chelsea, you know
that neighborhood in New York?
It's all gay guys.
It's so painful.
I'm just, like, living in a sea
of gorgeous gay men
that want nothing to do with me.
But they'll still chime
in on my outfit,
like they'll
be like, "Gross."
I'm like, what?
The other day, I really heard
one of them be like, "HPV."
I was like, um, are you
a psychic?
Some kind of a gay psychic?
♪
♪ Somebody's really
pretty today ♪
♪ Somebody's
really pretty today ♪
(phone text beeping)
(shutter clicking)
Ugh.
(shutter clicking)
God.
(shutter clicking)
(shutter clicks)
Ooh, ooh.
(phone ringing)
Jess?
(Jess) What's wrong?
Okay, Bobby just text me,
he wants me to send him, like,
a sexy picture.
Oh my God, did you?
No, no, I've been trying and
they're just, like, really bad.
Should I just
send him that one where--
Remember I met Hillary Clinton
at LaGuardia?
Should I send him that one?
You can, like, basically see
my nipple.
They made me take it off Facebook,
so it's definitely not not sexual.
You're taking them yourself?
Yeah... Wait, what?
- Honey, let me call my guy.
- Your guy?
(phone text beeping)
Oh, that's Bobby again.
Okay, I'm calling Danny P.
right now.
Danny P.?
(knocking)
- Hi, come on in.
- Hi, thank you.
Cute place.
Do you teach art to cats?
Can I offer you something?
Offer me what?
Half a coconut water
and the dirt from your Brita?
I think I'm actually good,
lonelybones, I'm kind of in a rush.
What do you got already,
let's see.
Ooh.
Why the cactus?
That's not a--
that's not a cactus.
Okay, we need the bush
team on standby,
it looks like
she's got a Hasidic rabbi
living in her underpants.
No offense.
Okay.
We're just gonna clean you up,
it'll take a second.
20 minutes.
Don't worry, you're in good
hands, okay?
I've done everyone's.
I'm talking Blake Lively,
Scarlett Jo, George Lopez.
It was actually my idea to make
Brett Favre's dick,
like, bright yellow.
- No, that was you?
- That was me.
Let's get to it.
Did you wear that yesterday?
Yes!
Very good, but don't forget
your duck mouth,
don't forget that duck mouth.
Now you're in a boat.
You're in a boat because you're
Pocahontas and it's the new world!
Maybe less feathers.
Smile like you don't
have Spanx on.
Yeah!
Lay back
and look really alluring.
Well, actually, don't look dead.
You're pregnant!
You're pregnant with gift cards!
Yeah!
Oh-- Are you
gonna (bleep) your pants?
Oh my God, are you gonna
(bleep) your pants?
You're so comfy.
Too comfy.
Too comfy.
Look, if you don't watch your
(bleep) shadow, I will remove it.
Here we go.
Yes!
You've got a secret and only the
pillow can know.
Wash yourself.
Wash your whole body and your
armpits and under your boobs.
Amy!
Oh no, there's a spider
in your hair!
There's a spider in your hair!
No!
There's a spider in your hair,
get it out!
Yes!
We have our shot, that's a wrap.
You were amazing.
Yoko!
Unplug everything, we're gonna
burn this rat's nest down.
You were so great.
I'd love to stay and chat, but
I've got to run downtown.
I have to shoot Diane Keaton
bottomless with a turtleneck
like an hour ago, I'm sure you
understand.
Oh my God, I just don't
know how to thank you.
Just get (bleep).
Bonsoir.
(phone sending tone)
(phone alert)
Anybody ever ask you to send
them sexy pictures?
I might be a victim.
Oh (bleep).
I'm definitely--
Whoever I send sexy pictures to,
they're the victim.
What do they ask for?
We're trying to, like, get a
general consensus of,
like, what kind
of sexy pics guys ask for.
Um, I guess ass, titties,
I don't know.
Ass and titties,
ass, ass and titties.
Has a guy ever asked you to
send him a sexy pic?
Yes.
- Yeah.
- Did you?
It takes like a hundred shots
to get the right one.
You should just do what I do.
Only do it without your
head in them.
- Yes, yes.
- Right?
- What are you?
- Pisces.
- No, I mean, what race?
- Turkish.
Did you ever send a picture of
your penis to anybody?
No?
That is such a yes!
Oh my gosh.
I caved in, it was too much
peer pressure, I had to do it.
Why, she was like, send me a
picture of your Turkish delight?
Pretty much.
I've never sent a sexy
picture of myself.
You've never sent somebody a
picture of your boobs or anything?
No, God, no, never.
What about your butthole?
You know, I don't think I've
ever even seen my butthole.
You've never seen your butthole?
No.
Can I just tell you
something... don't look.
Have you ever--
you and your boyfriend
ever send sex messages
to each other?
Yes.
Has he ever sent
you a picture of his dick?
Yes.
Do you like it?
Ehh.
♪
♪
- What were you hoping to do tonight?
- Just hang out.
- What's your favorite type of porn?
- None.
- Do you have any gay friends?
- Not that I know of.
Have you ever heard the phrase
"oozing with charisma"?
- Yes.
- I bet.
How long have you
got a moustache?
I guess, a couple of months.
- Are you a virgin?
- No.
OK.
- Is your boyfriend French?
- No. He's from Ja**.
Is that definitely a place?
I feel like our interview
isn't gonna go anywhere.
What do you think?
Have you ever hit
anybody in the face?
- Slapped them.
- Yeah.
- My twin sister.
- You have a twin sister?
Yes.
- Oh my Gosh, you slapped your face?
- Yeah.
Did you feel the pain?
***
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Yes, I do.
Are you getting ready
to pop that question?
Will you have a threesome?
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
All right, this interview is over.
- So Kristin, you are a stripper.
- Yes.
And how long have you
been doing that?
About two and a half years.
What was the first time
you stripped like?
I went on stage and I was, like,
clinging to the pole, awkwardly
dancing, just awkward.
Well, how did you know--
Like, if I were
to try to pole dance,
I would not know the first
thing to do.
It would probably
look like I was vacuuming.
I personally always clean the
pole down before I go onstage.
Why don't they
have somebody do that?
I don't know, they should.
It takes a little bit of the mystique
out of it to see a girl, like--
Right?
- Wiping the pole.
- Like, cleaning it.
- Like it's an elliptical.
- Right.
So how much do you feel like
you have to manipulate guys?
Like, how much
is that a part of it?
It's a huge part
of it, actually.
Like, they want someone to give
them attention and like them.
The best stripper who makes
the most money,
how many guys do you think
are out there in the world
in love with her?
Probably quite a few.
I would saying pushing,
between 40 and 50.
Wow.
And how many did you have
at the most?
I have almost 20.
Like, 20 guys that--
Probably almost thought you
were, like, their girlfriend.
Yeah.
Like, they would bring you gifts
and jewelry and flowers
and one guy started crying
in the champagne room
'cause he wanted
me to, like, meet his mom.
I'm like, no, no,
that's where we draw the line.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Does your boyfriend have a
pencil beard?
No.
Does he wear a lot of, like, collared
shirts with a lot of stripes?
Yes.
Yes, he does.
What's the oldest guy you ever
gave a lap dance to?
Um, I think he was like 97.
His sons brought him in
for his birthday
and they had
to, like, wheel him in.
Yeah.
You gave a lapdance in a
wheelchair?
It was so awkward, yes.
Well, I didn't even
want to do it,
but my manager was just like,
follow me, and I'm like--
I know where is this going.
- To the wheelchair.
- Yes, exactly.
He had
a catheter attached to him.
Walk me through that.
So there's like a squishy
little bag
and I'm like,
oh my God, is that really--
And I'm sort of examining,
I'm like, oh no.
Yes, it is.
It was disgusting.
When people find out
that you strip,
what's the first
thing that they assume?
Um, they associate it with
like prostitution
or, like, you're a whore
or whatever, but that's
not the case.
You know what,
I really would bet anything
that I'm a bigger whore
than you.
I would-- I could give
you a real run for your money.
Are you ever
just, like, dancing for fun
and you feel like it's not fair
and people should be paying you?
Yeah.
I was with a girl that
I don't like
and we actually
got stuck in an elevator.
The fire department had to
come and get us out.
We had to, like, crawl,
'cause it was, like, unlevel,
and we had to, like, boost
each other up.
Wow.
And we're like fighting
the whole time back and forth,
I'm just like, get the (bleep)
away from me, like, yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I don't see how
that relates
- to what I just asked you.
- Yeah, no.
I just felt the need to share
that story with everyone.
Okay, okay, well, no, I mean,
that sounds like a tough night.
What's the most you've ever
made in a shift?
I think it was like, $2,800.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
What's the least you ever
made in a shift?
The least was about three.
- Three what?
- Hundred.
You don't want to go and, like,
take your clothes off for,
like, $300, so...
I have done it
for free so many times.
I'm like, that sounds awesome.
I have had people pay me to put
my clothes back on.
♪
How do you
commit to one person, though?
How do you say yes to
one person?
Like, for me, as I get older,
the sex that I'm into changes.
It does.
Like, I used to sleep with
mostly Hispanic guys,
but now I
just prefer consensual.
(laughing and applauding)
We've all been a little raped,
okay, just a skotch, just a hair.
Every girl I know has one night,
usually in college
and she's like, huh.
I think that was rape.
Not totes consensh.
I don't remember yelling "yes."
And it's not all
black and white.
There's a gray area of rape.
Like, you've been graped.
I can tell.
Grape happens.
What do you want me to say?
♪
All right, three pinots.
I guess that makes
me the umpire.
One, two, three
pinots and I'm out.
All right, I guess that
makes me Gepetto
and my
three Pinot-chios!
If I were you,
I'd go with a pitcher.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,
It's so embarrassing.
(laughing)
All right, I'm cool, I'm cool.
(woman) So easy.
(man) Magic.