Inside Amy Schumer (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Bad Decisions - full transcript

Well, first of all,
I want to thank you both

for coming in here today

for this little
interview/audition/you're hired.

Flavia, we of course know each
other from our last project.

Thank you so much for flying
yourself in from Brazil.

- And, Amy, welcome.
- Thank you.

How'd you find out about
this little project?

I saw it in a... an ad
in a magazine.

It just said, "Actress/models
for marketing viral video"?

Yeah, yeah, that's our ad
in Stage Couch. Fantastic.

Well, Flavia, I mean,
this is gonna be



a little old hat for you,

but let me give Amy here
a quick rundown.

In a nutshell,
it's a marketing video.

We're calling it
"Two Girls, One Cup."

And we're hoping it goes viral.

It opens on you
and Flavia naked,

kissing each other
over some soft piano music.

Nothing too intense.
Just some light kissing.

Then, Amy, you're gonna stand up
and spread your cheeks

and shit into a cup.

Then both of you will
lick the shit out of the cup,

spread it all over your faces,

and then kiss each other some
more with shit on your face.

Next, Flavia, you're gonna
blow some bubbles with the shit.



And then, Amy,
you're gonna sit on a dildo

while Flavia vomits the shit
into your mouth.

Then you vomit the shit
back into Flavia's mouth,

then Flavia revomits
that shit one more time

back into your mouth.

Yeah, that's it.
The end.

Just one quick question.

Will we be using
some sort of a CGI effect

or, like, stage chocolate?

No, you'll be eating
a full cup of real shit.

No fancy special effects here.

We're indie, you know,
so it's super low budge.

Sizewise,
are we talking a teacup?

1 6-ounce glass.

Is this, like,
gonna be an art film?

Like it might wind up
in the MoMA?

No.

But it's like commentary.
It's kind of meta.

You know, like that scene
in "American Beauty"

with the plastic bag...

- No, I haven't seen that movie.
- Well, the image.

It's a plastic bag
whirling around in the wind.

- It was kind of like...
- Is it a bag of shit?

- No.
- Then no.

- Is it art?
- It's scat porn.

It's basically
the opposite of art.

You won't see our faces.

Oh, we will definitely
see both your faces.

But they'll be, um, blurred?

You know?
The blur effect.

Or like a... a black bar
when it's like, over...

I mean, they'll have
the dark shit on them.

There's gonna be
shit on our eyes?

Will we be tested
for diseases beforehand?

No, we use
the honor system here.

Flavia knows the drill.

Yeah, see?

You guys are gonna be
viral video stars, huh?

- Who's ready?
- Yay!

Right?
What do you say?

Yeah.
I'll do it. I'll do it.

I definitely need more
on-camera experience, so...

You're gonna get it right now.
There's one little hitch.

We need you to
definitely lose some weight.

And I'm thinking, ballpark...
three, five pounds.

- That's a lot of weight.
- Yeah, mainly in the face.

Maybe I'll just lose it
the day of, into the cup.

That's gross, Amy.

She's eating.

I'm a little sluttier
than the average bear,

I really am.
Little sluttier.

I can be honest about that.

Like, I'm no stranger to Plan B.
I'll say that.

I'm not like,
what is that?

Like, I know what it is.

It's the morning-after pill.

You can take it
the night before

if you're feeling amped,
you know?

Just, like, walk by a mirror,

catch a glimpse of yourself
in a new tube top.

Like, "Whoa!" Pop!
You can do that.

You feel like such
a dirty whore buying Plan B.

It is so embarrassing
'cause it's over the counter,

but you have to ask
your pharmacist.

And they know what you want,
but they make you ask.

They're looking at me,
I'm like,

"You see where my eyeliner is.
Just give it to me."

Staring contest.

"What, do you think I'm here
'cause it's allergy season?

Really?"

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All right, well...

Bye.

Bye.

Kick! Kick!

Beaver shot!
Beaver shot!

Oh.

Whew!

Here's the craziest thing
about last night.

Like his body just...
It felt like home.

Dude, does this taste skunked
to you?

Yeah, a little.

- What does he do?
- Okay, we did not get to that.

But according to Google,
like, finance, maybe.

What'd you get into
last night?

Nothing.

Actually, I got
kind of hammered.

God, I, like, miss him.
I'm gonna text him.

Oh, you should wait.

No, the amazing thing is
that we're not playing games.

I know.

No idea who that is.

How hard is it to open
a joint checking account?

And this is for you
and your husband?

Husband?

I... I guess.
I guess.

I have a feeling.

Mm-hmm.

This is it.

This is my wedding cake.

Come here.

This place is perfect.

Ooh ooh!

Oh, unless he's Jewish.

Whatever.
It's my day, right?

You know what?

There's one more thing
I'd like to take a look at.

Aah!
Ha ha ha ha!

You know what?
I just... I feel it.

I feel like Matt and I
will just be at peace here.

Yeah. God.

You know what?

I'm gonna call my boo-boo,
see what he's up to.

- Hello?
- Hey.

Just at the cemetery,
thinking 'bout ya.

What are you thinking
for tonight?

I'm literally
down for whatever.

Who is this?

Uh, it's Amy.

We... We hung out last night.
I came back to your place.

Right, yeah.
Um...

Sorry, I think
I'm gonna take a pass

on us seeing each other again.

Did I wear a bag?

What a dick!

Ma'am, should I stop digging?

Yeah.

Wait.

What's your name?

My name's Charles.

Amy Charles.

Keep digging.

What is a good amount of time
to wait to put out?

It depends on what you want.
I don't know...

What if you just want
that dick?

Have you ever had
a one-night stand?

Yes, I have had
a one-night stand.

I had like
a one-afternoon stand,

and then I couldn't find him.

But, you know,
Yankee Stadium is so big.

Have you ever had
a one-night stand?

Okay, have you ever not
had a one-night stand?

Have you ever almost died?

Yeah, actually.

We made some kid, steal, like,
a bottle of liquor,

and we got drunk,
and I made a bet.

I said, "First person
that passes out gets stabbed."

And good thing I was
around a bunch of good friends,

'cause I was the first one
that passed out.

- Are you high?
- Yeah, hell yeah.

What's the worst injury
you ever had?

Can, like, STDs be an injury?

- I think it can.
- Yeah? Yeah.

I felt excruciating pain.

Then I blacked out.

Then my brother said,
"I can't feel my feet,"

and I blacked out.

I heard the stewardess coming,
and I blacked out.

I'm a huge "Harry Potter" fan,

and my wife surprised me

with a trip
to the local owl preserve.

I remember I was wearing
my Ron Weasley wig and robe.

I stopped to make a pee-pee
behind a tree,

and that's when
I first heard them.

"Hoo hoo."

"Hoo hoo."

Uh, my brother and I were
floating in a life raft.

We looked around
and we just saw endless ocean,

and we knew we were alone.

We tried to calm each other down
by singing "The Sweater Song."

I looked at my brother,
and I said,

"My God.
I don't think anyone is coming."

The first thing I noticed
as I got on the plane

was that they weren't using
zoned seating,

and I'm platinum.

I should be on there
before those other people.

I-I should be boarding
zone one.

The owls had begun
to circle around me.

At first,
I thought it was magical.

Then they attacked.

Their beaks
were like razorblades.

I screamed out for help,
but nobody came.

They said my bag was too big

and they made me check it,
like an animal,

which means I had to hold
my MacBook Air,

my Kindle Fire and
my iPad all in my lap.

And then I remembered
I forgot something.

My headphones.

My brother said there was
only one way to survive.

We had to drink
each other's pee.

My brother stood over me,

but the boat was rocky,

and most of his pee went
directly into my eyes and hair.

He started laughing,
and I got mad.

At the time,
I didn't realize that...

...it'd be the last time
I'd ever hear my brother laugh.

Then they announced
the in-flight movie.

"Zookeeper" with Kevin James.

When I woke up, I saw the owls
were kind of laying around.

Um...

And they looked
sort of sleepy and full.

That's when I realized...

...my arms were gone.

The owls had eaten my arms.

And then I pretty much knew
that no one was coming for me.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

And I see the ranger shack.

All the rangers are standing
outside and they see me,

and they're like,
"Dude, where's your arms?"

And I'm like,
"The owls ate them.

I didn't even care
'cause I was just so happy."

So I'm trying to
get into "Zookeeper"

'cause I'm a good sport,

and I order
a glass of chardonnay.

And in a 9/1 1-like twist,
they didn't have any.

They offered...

They offered me pinot.

I said,
"I don't want pinot."

I said,
"Please just give me chardonnay.

I know you guys have it.
I know it's back there."

I'm platinum.
Like, I'm fucking platinum.

I endured because my brother
peed in my mouth.

I endured because
the owls filled up on arms

and didn't save any room
for legs.

I endured because I wanted to
bang my married ex.

And I did.

And he's divorced now.

Thank you.

- Where do you live?
- Harlem.

- Whoa.
- Yes. Uptown.

You look like
you don't live in Harlem.

- What's your ethnicity?
- West African.

Ooh, nice.

- The west is the best.
- It is. What is yours?

- I'm kind of a Jew.
- Oh, Jew, nice. Shalom.

As-salaam alaikum.

- Are you Asian?
- I am.

I mean,
you can't tell everyone.

No, with the glasses.

I thought maybe you
were just a little tired.

Those are nice.
Those are real nice.

Okay, I'm Bengi.

If you need any other sizes,

you please let me know,
all right?

- Okay.
- There you go.

Thank you.

What's your name?

Taffeta.

Okay.

Oh, this is a yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Thanks for coming.

- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?

Did someone help you today?

Yeah, um...

Hmm.

Who was it?

You know, I don't...
I don't see him.

Do you know
what he looks like?

Yeah, he is wearing
like a... like a vest.

Or like a plaid shirt,
I feel like.

I don't know what everyone
who works here wore today.

Um, he had short hair,
so that'll probably do it.

Just that.

He's...

Black eye... Black eyes?

He has black eyes?

Yeah, he had black eyes.

- So he has black pupils?
- Yeah.

Are there any other
distinguishing features?

I would guess he probably
voted for Obama.

- I know I did.
- What?

Oh, my God, that's him.
That's definitely him.

- He doesn't work here.
- Okay.

You know what
I just remembered?

Nobody helped me.
So forget it.

Okay, we work
on commission here,

so if someone did help you,
you should probably tell me.

Can I just, like, give you,
like $1 0

and you just leave me alone?

Darren, Bengi, Debri, Kaching,
get in here, please.

Kaching?

Thank you.

That's him.

You really can't
tell us apart?

Whatever, Taffeta.

Your name says Amy
on your card.

Yeah.

Uh, it would. I was...
I was in the wit... witness...

I witnessed, uh...

You were in the witness?

- Protection program?
- Protection program.

And you just told me that?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Did someone help you today?
- Yeah. Uh, the Asian over there.

Okay, great.

So, Shelby, you are a model.

Yes.

And an all-around gorgeous girl.
Let's be real about it.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Physically,
on a scale of one to ten,

where do you think you rank?

- Physically?
- Physically.

I would say a seven.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's so sad
because I think I'm a seven.

Do you feel like
you get what you want

more than other people?

Yes.
That's not fair.

Yeah, but I mean, you know,
a lot of shit's not fair.

Did they ever pay you
to be at a club,

just like, "We want
beautiful people here"?

No, but you get, like,
the really nice dinner

and free booze.

They'll be like, "Come here

and we'll buy you dinner
and free booze"?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

They charge me double.
Should I be offended by that?

Um, let's see.

Oh, um...

Sorry, our sound guy
is probably masturbating.

Thanks, Matt.

Um, like, have you been
around other models

where you're like,
"Oh, shit"?

Yes.
Victoria's Secret girls.

Have you done that show?

No.
My boobs are too big.

No one feels bad for you.

No.

- What are male models like?
- Jerks.

Are you attracted to models

but you just know
not to mess with them?

Yeah, I mean,
of course you're like,

"Yeah, take your shirt off."

Honestly,
they're so out of my reach

that they don't even register
as sexual to me.

No, but the thing is,
they're, for the most part,

the young guys
are pretty gullible

so I will always just text them,
"Send a dick pic."

"Send me your abs."
And they do it.

I have to be honest, Shelby.
I don't enjoy a dick pic.

- I don't know why.
- I think it's hilarious.

Yeah, it's hilarious,
but you're not like,

"Oh, my God.
Look at this dick.

- I wish it were in my body."
- Oh, no.

You just do it
to fuck with them.

Yeah, exactly.
Getting back at them.

Are you hungry?

I'm like, commercial,
so I'm healthy.

There's definitely
those moments, like,

when you're doing
the Fashion Week cleanse.

What's that?

You just drink cayenne pepper
and the sugar,

and then you have to do
the saltwater cleanse.

You shoot saltwater
in your ass?

You drink saltwater.

- And then you shit it out.
- Shit, yeah.

Nonstop.

What if you shit
on the runway?

If I was doing it, I can't
leave the house for the day.

Or you might become
the most famous model ever.

No one's ever come on my face.
That surprises a lot of people.

Never caught one up top,
as they say in the biz.

Again, I'm not against it.
I'm not for it.

I'll never be,
like, picketing with a sign

with an arrow
toward my head, but...

But no one's ever gone for it.

I don't know what I would do if,
like, my boyfriend went for it.

My guess is I'd be like,
"No, my dad loved me!"

Like, that kind of a...
a maneuver.

Like, "Aah!"

Or maybe I would
do something adorable,

like, pull out a tiny umbrella,
like, "Not on my watch."

And walk out twirling it
and kicking.

This is what
it would look like.

This is what
it looks like, okay,

if you... if you come
on your girlfriend's face.

Like, your normal girlfriend
without having a talk first.

This is the
best-case scenario, okay?

Best-case scenario.

You do it, and she goes,
"Oh. Okay. Okay.

"Yeah.
Are you still going?

Did you eat
something different?

What are you doing?

No, I'm not mad, but get me
something, get me something.

You want me to Stevie Wonder
my way to the bathroom?

Give me a...

Is this your underwear?

Go get a towel!
Wet a towel.

Idiot."

That's the best-case scenario.

Yeah, trust me,
she's not gonna shock you.

She's not gonna be like, "Yes!
Finally!"

♪ Finally, it... ♪
No.

Ah-choo!

Excuse me.

It's, like, kind of iconic.

This bag's in the wind.
It's, like, going in a circle.

- It symbolizes...
- Is it a bag of shit?

Fuck!

Hoo hoo.

Hoo hoo.

Hoo hoo.

Sorry.

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