In the Motherhood (2009): Season 1, Episode 6 - Where There's a Will There's a Wake - full transcript

Emily tries to mold Jane into the perfect parent.

I STOPPED AT THE STOP SIGN.

I SAT THERE FOR,
LIKE, SIX SECONDS.

BUT THERE WERE KIDS
IN THE CAR.

NOW I ALWAYS WAIT
FOR ONE FULL ROUND

OF "TAKE ME OUT
TO THE BALL GAME,"

BUT WITH OUR OWN LYRICS.
(gasps)

♪ TAKE ME OUT IN A SAFE CAR,
GET ME HOME IN ONE PIECE ♪

♪ SEE THE PEDESTRIANS
PASSING BY ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION,
THEN SOMEONE WILL DIE ♪

WOW.
A REGULAR VON TRAPP FAMILY.

UH, HEY, BILL,
YOUR SHOELACE IS UNTIED.



(whispers) HE CAN'T.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TEACH HIM.

(whispers)
HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.

WHAT?
(door closes)

WELL!

SOPHISTICATED LADY. JANE,
DO YOU HAVE A WHITE THONG I COULD BORROW?

SORRY, MY LOANER THONGS
ARE IN THE WASH.

GUESS I'LL JUST FREEBALL IT
LIKE USUAL.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING--
COLONEL SANDERS CONVENTION?

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY, JANE.
I'M GOING TO A FUNERAL.

OHH.
NICE ONE, JANE.

I'M SORRY. WHO DIED?

(sighs) MY AUNT B.
IT WAS, UH, VERY SUDDEN.

I'M REALLY STILL IN SHOCK.



HOW OLD WAS SHE?
97.

IT'S TRAGIC. SO VIBRANT,
SO FULL OF LIFE,

AND THEN ONE DAY
SHE SNEEZED,

AND HER BONES
JUST TURNED TO POWDER.

POWDERED BONES--
SILENT KILLER.

REMEMBER TO TAKE YOUR CALCIUM,
LADIES. FOR REALS.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
SHE LEFT ME THE BURIAL PLOT

RIGHT NEXT TO HERS.
POIGNANT GESTURE, REALLY.

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ALWAYS USED TO TAKE OUR
DISCO NAPS TOGETHER. OOH. SHE LEFT YOU LAND?

THAT'S COOL. REAL ESTATE
NEVER GOES DOWN IN VALUE.

WELL...
WELL...

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW, RIGHT?
ONE DAY YOU'RE 97,

IN THE PRIME OF YOUR LIFE,
AND THE NEXT DAY,

SKIN AND POWDER.

ROSEMARY, I'M GONNA RUSTLE YOU
UP THAT THONG. (clicks tongue)

♪♪♪

(child laughs)

I FEEL SO BAD
ABOUT ROSEMARY'S AUNT.

YOU KNOW. LIFE--IT'S...
IT'S REALLY PRECIOUS.

YEAH, IT IS.

YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU MAKE ME
GET PROSTATE EXAMS

THREE TO SIX TIMES A YEAR.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT FUN...

YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT
FUN, BABE. OKAY.

OH, GOD, I JUST CAN'T KEEP
THINKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW,

WHAT IF, GOD FORBID,
SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO US?

NO. NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE.
WE COOK EVERYTHING IN OLIVE OIL.

OH, I KNOW, BUT STILL,
YOU KNOW,

IT'S GOOD WE HAVE OUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER.
NO. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT KNOWING
THAT OUR KIDS WOULD HAVE

A LOVING HOME WITH MY SISTER AND ERIC.
YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD CALL THEM.

I WONDER IF THEY REINFORCED
THOSE HANDRAILS

AFTER OUR SECOND INSPECTION. WE DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT IT, BECAUSE SHE IS RELOCATING

ON A DIPLOMATIC ASSIGNMENT
TO PAKISTAN.

MM.
PAKISTAN?

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT

THE LEGAL GUARDIAN FOR OUR
CHILDREN IS MOVING TO PAKISTAN.

SWEETHEART, SHE'S JUST THERE
UNTIL THE GOVERNMENT STABILIZES

OR--OR SPLINTERS APART,

AND BESIDES, THEY'RE GIVING HER
A BULLETPROOF ASSAULT VEHICLE,

SO... SO...

OH, DEAR GOD.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?

OKAY, DON'T PANIC.

WE ARE JUST GONNA GO DOWN
THE LINE OF SUCCESSION. OHH.

NEXT UP ARE MY PARENTS. NO. YOUR HAD
HAS BEEN HITTIN' THE GLAUCOMA MEDICINE

PRETTY HARD.

I MEAN, SURE, IT'S HELPED HIS
POETRY, BUT-- NEXT.

OH, WHAT ABOUT
MY COUSIN MICHELLE?

MICHELLE OBAMA IS
NOT YOUR COUSIN.

SHE IS MY COUSIN. YOU JUST--YOU
HAVE TO GO, LIKE, FAR, FAR BACK.

YOU CUT THIS OUT OF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

THAT'S SAD. OKAY, THAT
LEAVES US WITH, UM, WELL, JANE.

I THINK WE SHOULD REVISIT MICHELLE.
JANE COULD DO IT.

NO. OKAY? SHE JUST--SHE--
SHE HAS NO PARENTING SYSTEM.

SHE'S A COMPLETE MESS.
HEY, THAT'S MY SISTER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M QUOTING YOU, OKAY?
(scoffs)

WHEN YOU CAME HOME, EMILY,
YOU SAT RIGHT HERE.

YOU SAID,
"DINNER SMELLS GOOD,

AND MY SISTER'S A COMPLETE MESS." SHE
MIGHT BE A LITTLE ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES,

BUT I COULD GET HER IN SHAPE. LOOK, I KNOW
THAT YOU--YOU LOVE YOUR MAKEOVER SHOWS, BABY.

LOOK AT THIS HOUSE. IT'S GORGEOUS.
YOUR SISTER IS NOT LIKE ME.

SHE'S NOT GONNA LET YOU MOLD HER.
SHE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW. I CAN CHANGE HER

IN A WONDERFULLY PASSIVE
YET AGGRESSIVE WAY.

AND YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA WORK?
ARE YOU STILL LEFT-HANDED?

SOPHIE, NO!

WAFFLES, BREAKFAST!

ANNIE, YOUR BACON'S
GETTING COLD!

MMM. NEVER MIND!

KNOCK, KNOCK. LOOK WHO BROUGHT
A GIFT BASKET AND ALMOST TRIPPED

OVER ALL THAT STUFF YOU HAD
STACKED OUT THERE? SO...

I HOPE IT'S ONE OF THOSE
WINE BASKETS. BRING IT ON.

WHAT TIME IS IT? NO WINE.
NOTHING THAT WOULD IMPAIR JUDGMENT.

UM, JASON JUST GOT
THIS BASKET AT WORK,

AND WE DON'T WANT IT, SO...
YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF

WHY WE DON'T WANT IT-- OOH, MUFFINS!
LOOKS LIKE THIS HUGE ONE GAVE BIRTH,

AND THESE ARE ALL ITS LITTLE BABIES.
WELL, THEY'RE HIGH IN FIBER, SO...

(mouth full) WHAT'S GOOD
ABOUT MUFFINS... YEAH?

IS THEY'RE JUST LIKE CUPCAKES,
BUT YOU EAT 'EM IN THE MORNING,

SO YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT. OKAY, LET'S
GET OFF THE MUFFINS, 'CAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER

USEFUL HOUSEHOLD ITEMS WE HAVE
IN HERE. OH, WHAT IS THIS?

WE'VE GOT SOME TAPENADE
AND, UH, A RADON DETECTOR.

COOL. AND WHAT'S THIS?
OH, IT LOOKS LIKE A VOUCHER

FOR A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.
WHO IS THIS GIFT BASKET FROM?

APPARENTLY, SOMEONE
WHO ENJOYS FINE FOODS

AND A SAFE HOME ENVIRONMENT.

"3-2-1 HOME SECURITY SYSTEMS."

THAT WOULD BE
A GOOD PASSWORD--3-2-1.

YEAH. OH, AND LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT IS THIS?

OOH, A GIFT CERTIFICATE
FOR AN ORGANIC COOKING CLASS.

HEY, JANE,
WHAT IF WE WENT TOGETHER?

YOU KNOW, WE COULD LEARN
HOW TO FEED OUR KIDS

IN A HEALTHY YET DELICIOUS WAY. THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
I COULD ADD A FEW THINGS TO MY REPERTOIRE.

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A REPERTOIRE.

WELL, I MAKE A VERY LIGHT
AND FLUFFY FISH STICK

AND A COUPLE OF VARIATIONS
ON A HOT DOG.

HMM. THIS IS THE LIFE,
HUH?

FRESH AIR, SUNSHINE,
A PLACE TO SET YOUR DRINK.

THANKS, AUNT B.

YEAH. I'D HATE TO BE
VINCENT CALDWELL III THOUGH,

RIGHT? BY THE TOILETS.

THAT'S A TOMB, BUDDY.
OOPS.

WOW.

I GOTTA SAY, YOU MISSED
A BEAUTIFUL FUNERAL.

OH, YEAH? WHAT HAPPENED?

WHEN THEY KICKED IN TO
"HIGHWAY TO HELL"

ON THE BAGPIPES, EVEN I GOT A LITTLE
CHOKED UP. YEAH, THAT'S CLASSY.

YEAH, FUNERALS ARE WASTED
ON THE DEAD.

NO OFFENSE, EVERYBODY!

(chuckles) OKAY.

I'M ONE STEP
AHEAD OF YOU, BUDDY.

I'M HAVING MY FUNERAL NOW,
WHILE I'M ALIVE AND AWESOME.

LIKE A LIVING WAKE?

NO, NOT A LIVING WAKE.
THAT SOUNDS SO CORPORATE.

IT'S MORE LIKE A FUN,
NON-DEATH FUNERAL PARTY

TO CELEBRATE ME, SEE WHAT
EVERYBODY'S GONNA SAY ABOUT ME

AND HOW MUCH THEY'RE GONNA CRY AND STUFF.
THAT'S COOL.

(laughs) SO COOL.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA KEEP IT
VERY INTIMATE.

I'M ONLY INVITING THE INNER CIRCLE.
HEY, WATCH OUT. THERE'S A BEE OVER THERE.

(bee buzzing)
HORATIO--A BEE?

AUNT B.?

HUH?
OH, MY GOD. IT'S A SIGN.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT IT IS.

(buzzing continues)

AAH! AAH! SHE STUNG ME!

(laughs)

CLASSIC, AUNT B.!

YOU DID IT AGAIN, LADY!
WHERE DID SHE GO? AAH!

AND WE'RE JUST GONNA DO
A LITTLE SPRINKLE

OF ORGANIC,
LOCALLY GROWN TOMATOES

AND A DOLLOP
OF MUNG BEAN PUREE,

AND THEN YOUR BEAN CURD TACOS
ARE GOOD TO GO.

LOOK AT US, JANE,
LEARNING TO COOK

HEALTHY FOOD FOR THE KIDS.

DOESN'T THIS LOOK GOOD?
UGH! IT SMELLS LIKE SOCKS.

BUT SOCKS THAT ARE
GOOD FOR YOU, RIGHT?

NOT PROCESSED.

YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYTHING
IN THE DRIVE-THRU MENU

IS BAD FOR YOU. I'VE BEEN
GETTING MY CHEESEBURGERS

WITHOUT CHEESE LATELY, AND IT
REALLY MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

TRY SOME
OF MY DELICIOUS MOCK-AMOLE.

UGH. THAT LOOKS LIKE
THE GRAVY SUBSTANCE

MOM USED TO PUT
ON EVERYTHING.

PUT SOME OF THIS IN.
ARE YOU HOARDING CONDIMENTS IN YOUR PURSE?

THIS IS MY TRAVEL SALT.
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A REAL THING.

TRAVEL SALT IS NOT A THING. JUST TASTE
IT AND TELL ME IF IT NEEDS SOMETHING.

(gags) TASTES LIKE AN OLD ANIMAL
DIED IN MY MOUTH! (chuckles)

LADIES?

IT'S LEARNING TIME, OKAY?

PLEASE DON'T PUT THIS
ON MY PERMANENT RECORD.

OKAY, HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW TRY IT.

OKAY.

(chuckles)

MMM.
IT'S INTERESTING.

THE ANIMAL IS GONE,
BUT IT'S REPLACED WITH--

SALT. YES. THAT'S HOW
I GOT THROUGH EVERY MEAL

THAT WE HAD AS A CHILD.
I USED TO SPIT MY FOOD INTO THE NAPKINS,

AND THEN SECRETLY HAND-WASH
AND IRON THEM

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
SO MOM DIDN'T KNOW. (laughs)

MOM USED TO ALWAYS YELL AT ME
FOR EVERYTHING, YOU REMEMBER?

"JANE! QUIT DRESSING
LIKE A TRAMP!" (laughs)

SHE USED TO YELL AT ME, "EMILY!
LOOK AT YOUR SISTER JANE!

DON'T DRESS LIKE THAT!"

(both laughing)

LADIES, IS THERE SOMETHING
FUNNY OVER HERE?

NO.
NO.

(lowers voice) JUST YOUR VOICE AND
YOUR WEIRD TUNIC. (laughs) (laughs)

HEY, I HEARD THAT...

AND IT HURTS.
(whispers) OH, SORRY.

(whispers) SORRY.

(snorts)

(laughs)

(normal voice)
I'M WEARING A TUNIC.

THAT'S MY SIGNATURE LOOK.
IS IT--IS IT WEIRD? (normal voice) YES.

THAT COOKING CLASS
WAS SO MUCH FUN.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN
KICKED OUT OF A CLASS BEFORE.

SUCH A NOVELTY NOT TO BE THE TEACHER'S FAVORITE.
AH, THAT LADY NEEDS A CORN DOG. DON'T WE ALL?

(laughs) WELL, WE COULD DO ANOTHER CLASS.
OOH, HOW ABOUT HIP-HOP ABS?

OOH. OR CHILD PSYCHOLOGY.

(British male voice)
FRONT DOOR OPEN.

DID YOU GET A BUTLER?

SOUNDS LIKE... (British accent) JAMES BOND.
(Emily chuckles)

(normal voice) OH, MY GOD.

HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF JAMES BOND WAS
OUR NEIGHBOR? OH, MY GOD. SO MUCH COOLER.

(Syd) YEAH.
THAT IS MY NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.

I KNOW, HE'S SEXY, ISN'T HE?
AND BRITISH,

AND VERY WORRIED ABOUT INTRUDERS.
(chuckles) SOMEBODY GOT A LITTLE CRUSH?

IS IT BAD IF I DO?
JUST DON'T GET YOUR HEART BROKEN.

OKAY, GALS, DO YOU KNOW ANYONE
WHO HAS A HEARSE I COULD BORROW?

WHAT? NO.
MNH-MNH.

HOW ABOUT A LECTERN?
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

SNAP.

OOH. WHAT?
OKAY...

"ROSEMARY SWANSON--
A LIFE REMEMBERED."

WHAT--WHAT IS THIS? IT'S--IT'S NOT
A BIG DEAL. IT'S JUST A LITTLE, UM,

YOU KNOW, OLD-SCHOOL...
♪ FUNERAL STYLE ♪

PARTY I'M THROWING
FOR MYSELF.

I'M CALLING IT
"THE LIVING END."

WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST.
I'M IN.

I'LL PICK YOU UP.
WE'LL GO TOGETHER. OKAY.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, I DON'T
EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

UM, YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS
FOR THE INNER CIRCLE,

PEOPLE THAT KNEW ME FROM WAY
BACK, BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW ME--

BACK WHEN I USED TO BE
WEIRD AND ECCENTRIC

AND DO CRAZY STUFF
ALL THE TIME.

DON'T GET YOUR FEELINGS HURT,
PLEASE.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY ON THE OUTER PART OF
THE INNER CIRCLE. I'M NOT INVITED EITHER.

IT KINDA SUCKS,
'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE, LIKE,

THIS REALLY SWEET
7-FOOT SUB SANDWICH THERE.

WHICH REMINDS ME, MOM, CAN I PLEASE COME?
NO. OH, MY GOSH.

HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO COME.
HE'S A MINOR,

AND THERE'S GONNA BE
MUD WRESTLING.

I AM GLAD I AM ON THE OUTER EDGE
OF THE CIRCLE. (laughs) (laughs)

WHAT IS THIS UNPLEASANTNESS
I'M WITNESSING OVER HERE?

ARE YOU TWO GETTING ALONG?

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME PITTING
YOU TWO AGAINST EACH OTHER,

AND THEN I STAND BACK
AND WATCH THE FUR FLY.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN FOR ME.
OH, I'M SORRY TO RUIN YOUR FUN, ROSEMARY.

(laughs) THE ZINGERS
THIS ONE COMES UP WITH!

OKAY, NOW I'M JUST
GETTING GROSSED OUT.

I GOTTA GO MAIL THESE.
FRONT DOOR CLOSING.

I BET HE SOUNDS CHARMING
EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BEING ROBBED.

(both laugh)

UH, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.

OOH, I KNOW I WOULD BE GOOD
AT THAT--WINETASTING. MM-HMM.

OR WE COULD DO LINE DANCING.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN. MM.

"MAKE YOUR OWN JAM"!
OOH. DELISH.

OH, WAIT. YOU WANTED TO DO
THE, UH, CHILD PSYCHOLOGY THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
CHILD PSYCH CAN WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE DO
THE FUN STUFF?

OKAY. SO THEN MAYBE WE
SHOULD JUST JAM ON IT.

(laughs) WHAT? THE HITS
JUST KEEP ON COMIN'.

(tires screech)

UGH. ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH. YEAH, ROSEMARY,
I HAVE THE SANDWICH.

YEAH, THERE'S A TON OF TRAFFIC
OUT HERE, THOUGH.

IT'S LIKE A PARKING LOT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

HEY, BABE.
HEY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M SORRY, I WAS HAVING ANOTHER
TRAINING SESSION WITH JANE.

REALLY? 'CAUSE THIS LOOKS LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN SHOPPING.

WELL, I WAS TRAINING HER
TO SHOP FOR THE KIDS.

REALLY? WHAT'S THAT? AND THERE WERE
SOME SALES AT SOME OF MY SHOPS,

SO FOR THE ECONOMY, I THOUGHT I
SHOULD, YOU KNOW... (laughs)

GIVE BACK TO IT.
EMILY, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TWO?

LAST WEEK YOU WERE,
UH, YOU WERE LASER TAGGING.

THE YOU WENT GO-KARTING.
YOU WENT BELLY DANCING.

I MEAN, HOW'S THIS GONNA HELP JANE WITH HER PARENTING?
SHE'S BECOMING A MORE WELL-ROUNDED PARENT, YOU KNOW?

MM. TEACHING HER DRIVING SKILLS
AND HAND/EYE COORDINATION...

UH-HUH. AND AVOIDING... LASERS.
WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN, BABY, OKAY?

YEAH? YOU'RE HAVING FUN?
YEAH. MWAH.

MWAH. IT'S TIME TO EAT.
I HAD TO IMPROVISE.

SO I CURRIED A LITTLE QUINOA,
DID SOME SALMON

AND SOME ROASTED
ROOT VEGETABLES.

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
OH, THEY'RE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT JANE'S.

(clatter)

ARE YOU INSANE?

WHAT? THEY'LL BE FINE!
JANE'S FUNNY.

NO, NO. HAVE YOU LOST
YOUR COMPASS, EMILY?

I MEAN, WHERE'S MY--
MY OVERPROTECTIVE, SCARED,

JUDGY, VIGILANT SUPER MOM?
WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S RIGHT HERE, OKAY?
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY,

BECAUSE JANE IS DOING GREAT.
ON THE DRIVE HOME,

SHE STOPPED AT EVERY STOP SIGN.
I THINK WE SHOULD BRING TEDDY OVER THERE.

I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO BRING TEDDY.
I THINK WE NEED--NO, I--

I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO BRING TEDDY.
I TOTALLY THINK WE NEED TO BRING TEDDY.

OKAY, FINE, LET'S BRING TEDDY.
LET'S BRING TEDDY.

GREAT. PACK YOUR BAGS, TED.

IT'S ALIVE!

WHA--HORATIO,
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

WHERE'S THE INNER CIRCLE?
EVERYBODY THOUGHT THIS WAS REALLY WEIRD

AND DIDN'T WANT TO COME.
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO A FAKE FUNERAL?

OKAY, THAT'S INSANE.
AND WHEN THEY FOUND OUT YOU WERE ALIVE,

IT KIND OF TOOK
THE AIR OUT OF THINGS.

AND A FEW OF 'EM GOT MAD.
THEY SAID YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH

FOR THREE YEARS ONCE?
IT WAS FOR TAX PURPOSES. I WAS ON THE LAM.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD
FOR EVERYBODY TO UNDERSTAND?

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

THIS IS COLD, HORATIO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE
NOBODY CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU

TO WANT
TO CELEBRATE YOUR DEATH

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
ALIVE AND HEALTHY? NO.

WELL, IT'S A LONELY PLACE,
MY FRIEND.

OH, HEY, ROSEMARY, CHEER UP.
SOMEONE SHOWED UP.

WHAT?

MR. 7-FOOT SUB.
(chuckles nervously)

BROUGHAM, I HAVE DATED, LIKE,
NINE PRO BASKETBALL PLAYERS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
THAT IS NOT 7 FEET.

IT'S TOTALLY 7 FEET.
IS IT?

I-I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC
AND GOT REALLY HUNGRY.

I ATE A FOOT AND A HALF OF IT,
OKAY? I'M SORRY.

KNOCK, KNOCK.
UH, THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED.

(chuckles)
HEY, SISTER-IN-LAW,

WE JUST WANTED TO BRING OVER A FEW THINGS.
YEAH, WE JUST GOT THEIR PAJAMAS AND SOME, UH,

HYPOALLERGENIC PILLOWS,
AND BILL NEEDS HIS TEDDY BEAR.

I DON'T HAVE A TEDDY BEAR.
OH, THAT'S CUTE. HE'S EMBARRASSED. SO...

YEAH, YEAH. OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU
PUT UP-- UP ON THE SHELF, DADDY?

SURE. OKAY.
CLEAR VIEW OF ALL THE ACTION. YEAH.

OKAY, WOW. THIS IS SO GREAT.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU TRUSTED ME

SINCE THE GUM INCIDENT, WHEN
I HAD TO SHAVE ESTHER'S HEAD.

PLEASE,
I'VE TOTALLY FORGOTTEN

ABOUT THAT HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE DAY.

GREAT. 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE
WE'VE GOTTEN A LOT CLOSER

IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS.
WE FINALLY HAVE

THAT SISTER RELATIONSHIP
I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE.

I'M NOT EVEN SCREENING YOUR CALLS ANYMORE. (chuckles)
(chuckles) OKAY, WELL, WE BETTER GET GOING.

OH, DADDY LOVES YOU GUYS
SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH.

OKAY, DADDY, TIME TO GO. OKAY. MWAH!
MWAH! (whispers) I LOVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

BYE, GUYS. HAVE FUN!

LET'S PARTY!

WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? NO PARTIES.
NO PARTY. OKAY, BYE.

I FEEL SO HORRIBLE
ABOUT DOING THIS.

BABY, WE ARE DOING
THE RIGHT THING.

THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN.
OKAY. COME ON, TEDDY.

TELL US YOUR SECRETS.

(Jane) STORY TIME.
HERE WE GO.

I THINK SHE'S DOING A GOOD JOB
WITH STORY TIME.

"'E' IS FOR ELEPHANT."
(deep voice) GIVE ME A PEANUT!

IS THAT AN ELEPHANT,
OR IS IT LOUIS ARMSTRONG?

SHE'S NOT EVEN DOING--
GIVE HER A BREAK.

SHE'S DOING BETTER THAN WE THOUGHT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

ANNIE,
I RAN OUT OF DIAPERS.

COULD YOU BRING ME SOME PAPER TOWELS
AND TAPE? OKAY, LET'S GET IN THERE.

LET IT GO.
THAT ONE'S NOT OURS.

I'M TIRED OF BOOKS.
OKAY.

ME, TOO.
YOU GUYS WANT TO WATCH TV?

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'S GONE OFF
THE RAILS. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY,

PLEASE SAY IT'S PUBLIC TELEVISION.
IT'S SOPHIE'S FAVORITE SHOW--

"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST
HOME VIDEOS."

NO! NO!
NO! NO!

BACK DOOR OPEN.
TURN IT OFF. WHAT'S THIS CODE?

WHAT'S GOING ON? UH, IT'S 3-2-1.
YOU ACTUALLY USE THAT?

WELL, IT'S HARD TO FORGET WHEN
IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SIGN.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN JUST TOOK A FRISBEE

IN THE NUTS
ON YOUR TELEVISION, JANE.

WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT? EVERYTHING.
WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU SPYING ON ME THROUGH THE WINDOW?
NO. I WAS SPYING ON YOU WITH THIS.

A NANNY CAM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK. WE JUST DON'T TRUST YOU.

OKAY, THANKS. LET ME EXPLAIN.
IT'S FOR A GOOD REASON.

IF SOMETHING WERE
TO HAPPEN TO US,

WE WOULD WANT YOU
TO BE THE LEGAL GUARDIAN

OF OUR CHILDREN.
AREN'T I ALREADY?

OH, MY GOD. SO THE GIFT BASKET
AND THE SECURITY SYSTEM

AND THE COOKING CLASSES...

YOU WERE TESTING ME.

TECHNICALLY, I WAS
TRAINING YOU--AT--AT FIRST.

BUT THEN ALL THAT WENT AWAY,
AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW,

ME AND MY SISTER HAVIN' FUN. YAY.
ISN'T THAT SWEET? GET OUT.

(sighs)

(sobbing) I WROTE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHIN'.
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

I DON'T CARE.

WELL, I WORKED ON IT ALL NIGHT,
SO I'M GONNA READ IT. WHATEVER.

"ROSEMARY SWANSON
IS MY FRIEND.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT
HER IN MY LIFE. (continues sobbing)

"SHE'S A STAR THAT BURNS
BRIGHT, FURIOUS AND FAST.

"A LOT OF PEOPLE
FIND HER SCARY--

MAILMEN, YOUNG CHILDREN,
DOGS, CATS..." OKAY, I GOT IT.

"BUT I DON'T FIND HER SCARY.
I FIND HER EXCITING.

"THEY SAY OUR HOME IS IN HEAVEN,
AND WE'RE ONLY HERE ON VACATION.

"BEING WITH ROSEMARY IS LIKE
ORLANDO, CABO SAN LUCAS

"AND CATALINA ISLANDS
ALL WRAPPED UP

INTO THE VACATION
OF A LIFETIME."

GET ON ME.

OKAY, SO I THINK I LEFT
A MESSAGE FOR MY SISTER

AT THE EMBASSY, BUT URDU IS
A VERY STRANGE LANGUAGE.

IT'S LIKE EVERY WORD
HAS A DIFFERENT MEANING.

I GUESS WE SHOULD START
GETTING THE KIDS READY

FOR A POSSIBLE
PAKISTANI LIFE.

MM.

WELL, AT LEAST BILL
WILL LOOK HANDSOME

IN A TINY SHALWAR QAMEEZ.
HEY, BILL, THIS IS A SHALWAR QAMEEZ.

YES, THE NATIVE DRESS
IN PAKISTAN. COME HERE.

(Emily) MOMMY WILL
TIE THAT FOR YOU.

HONEY, WHERE DID YOU LEARN
HOW TO DO THAT?

FRONT DOOR OPEN.
WHAT?

I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING. WHAT?
ANOTHER SECURITY SYSTEM I CAN'T TURN OFF?

PARDON ME. THE FRONT DOOR IS STILL OPEN. NO, NO,
NO. LOOK, IT'S BILL'S SHOE. HE TIED IT TODAY.

HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT
BEFORE HE CAME HERE.

HE SAID YOU TAUGHT HIM.
WELL, WHAT, DID I DO IT WRONG?

NO, JANE. LISTEN, I AM SO SORRY
THAT I DIDN'T TRUST YOU.

OKAY? EVERYONE HAS
A DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLE,

AND JUST BECAUSE YOURS
IS NOT LIKE MINE,

IT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT IT'S WRONG.

AND THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT MY KIDS LOVE YOU,

AND YOU LOVE THEM.
DID YOU READ THAT SOMEWHERE?

YES. BUT WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS

IF ANYTHING
WERE TO HAPPEN TO US,

WOULD YOU PLEASE BE
THE GUARDIAN OF OUR CHILDREN?

OF COURSE I WOULD.

OH, HON, THANK YOU. IT WOULD BE
SO MUCH EASIER WITHOUT YOU AROUND.

BACK DOOR OPEN.

OH, GET A ROOM, PEOPLE!

(sighs) WELL, TURNS OUT
I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU COME

TO MY LIVING END
DEATH BASH AFTER ALL.

I GOT ICED
BY MY INNER CIRCLE.

OHH.
BUT I REALIZED SOMETHING.

I REALIZED THAT YOU
TWO NERDY BLONDE SISTERS

ARE MY REAL FRIENDS.
YOU'RE THE ONES I CAN TURN TO

IF I--IF I NEED A DIRTY THONG,
FOR EXAMPLE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE.

YEAH. WOW. I GUESS
THE INNER CIRCLE IS OUT,

AND THE OUTER CIRCLE IS IN.
GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.

AW. OH!
COME ON. RIGHT NOW.

ROSEMARY. OKAY.
GUYS.

I FEEL KIND OF SAD. SO NO ONE
SHOWED UP? NOT EVEN A SOUL?

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL GHOST TOWN.
(laughs) (laughs)

IS THIS STILL HAPPENING? REALLY?
'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT.

WE HAD A FIGHT EARLIER.
YOU JUST MISSED IT. YEAH.

OH, REALLY?
WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?

WELL, EMILY COMPLETELY
VIOLATED MY TRUST,

SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY-- THAT WAS BEFORE
YOU VIOLATED EVERYTHING I STAND FOR, SO...

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED.
I THINK THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.

WE CAN CHECK THE TAPE ON THAT.
THERE THEY ARE! THEY'RE BACK!

OKAY, GREAT. ALL RIGHT, WE WILL.
THESE ARE THE SISTERS THAT I LOVE.