In the Motherhood (2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Shepfather - full transcript

Jane becomes jealous when her boyfriend Shep shows off his parenting skills

(indistinct conversations)

(Jane laughs)

THIS HAS BEEN FUN.

IT'S NICE TO EAT SOMEPLACE
WITHOUT ANIMATRONICS.

WELL, I CAN HAVE 'EM DO
A LITTLE DANCE FOR YOU.

I'M PRETTY TIGHT WITH THE STAFF.
(laughs)

HEY, JOSH. HOW'S THE PSORIASIS?
THAT WAS PRIVATE.

(whispers)
JOSH HAS PSORIASIS.

OH. THAT HAPPENS.
(normal voice) JANE?

YEAH?

I KNOW WE'VE ONLY BEEN DATING
FOR A FEW WEEKS,



AND YOU MIGHT THINK
THIS IS TOO SOON TO ASK,

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO
MEET YOUR KIDS. OH!

AND I'D GET TO SEE YOUR HOUSE.
OH.

♪♪

(child laughs)

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

THIS IS WONDERFUL.
IT MEANS HE REALLY LIKES YOU.

AND I LIKE HIM, WHICH IS WHY I
DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE THE CHAOS

WHICH IS MY LIFE.
IT'S TOO SOON. I DON'T KNOW.

I KIND OF LIKE GETTING IT
ALL OUT THERE RIGHT AWAY.

JUST BREAK OUT THE TOYS, STRIP IT DOWN
AND SHACKLE IT UP. EASY, DUNGEON MASTER.

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT
A PERSON BY THEIR SAFE WORD.

JANE, HE'S GOTTA SEE ALL OF THIS SOMETIME,
RIGHT? (Annie) MOM, WE NEED PAPER TOWELS!

THE DOG THREW UP.
NEVER MIND. HE'S EATING IT.



STOP YELLING!
YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY!

SEE? I'M AFRAID ALL THIS CRAZY
IS GONNA DRIVE HIM AWAY.

I HAVE BEEN HOLDING IN
MY FARTS FOR THREE WEEKS.

I CAN'T LET ALL THAT
HARD WORK GO TO WASTE.

OKAY, THAT--
THAT CAN'T BE HEALTHY.

UM, BUT LISTEN, JANE,
IF HE CAN'T ACCEPT THIS,

YOU KNOW, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH
HIM, RIGHT? I GUESS SO.

IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU,
YOUR BRATTY KIDS

AND YOUR GROSS HOUSE
AREN'T GONNA MATTER.

AND IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.
MNH-MNH. IT'S NOT.

NO, IT'S PRETTY BAD.
THERE DEFINITELY IS A SMELL.

I CAN'T REALLY PUT
MY FINGER ON IT. (sniffs)

IS IT AN OLD MONKEY WEARING A DIRTY DIAPER?
THAT'S EXACT--

IS IT? YES, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT IT-- YOU NAILED IT.

I PICKED IT OUT ON THE FIRST TRY.
YEAH.

WELL, THAT RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. I KNOW.
EVERY TIME I STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HER,

I GOTTA START ALL OVER. SO I GUESS
IT'S JUST US FOR GIRLS' NIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO,
MAKE OUT?

MAYBE WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE
JANE WOULD NEVER GO.

MALE WHOREHOUSE?
PARENTING CLASSES.

(scoffs) LOOK AT HER.

THERE SHE IS--GRETCHEN
WITH HER AMAZING NEW MINIVAN.

MAN, EVERYTHING
IS BETTER OVER THERE.

THE LAWN IS NICER,
KIDS ARE MORE MUSCULAR,

AND NOW HER CAR
IS WAY BETTER, TOO.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A BIG
VEIN RIGHT THERE. DO I?

YEAH. WHY ARE YOU GETTING
SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE?

YOU GOT A MINIVAN. (sighs) NOT LIKE THIS
ONE. SHE'S GONE TOTALLY AFTERMARKET.

SHE ADDED A MINI TV
IN EVERY HEADREST

WITH A MINI GAME CONSOLE
AND A MINI MINI FRIDGE.

THE KIDS TOOK ONE RIDE IN IT,

AND NOW THEY JUST WANT
TO CARPOOL WITH GRETCHEN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I NEVER EVEN GOT TO
CARPOOL WITH SYD. YOU DROVE A MOTORCYCLE.

OH, YOU SOUND
JUST LIKE THOSE MOMS--

"OH, IT'S NOT STREET-LEGAL!
IT DOESN'T HAVE A SEAT BELT.

THE KIDS KEEP FALLING OFF."
WHAT A BUNCH OF DORKS.

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
UH, WE JUST-- WE'RE GOING FOR A WALK.

WE'RE GONNA SEE
GRETCHEN'S MINIVAN.

WHEN I GROW UP,
I'M GONNA MARRY IT.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

YEAH, YOU'RE SCREWED.

(scoffs) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I LOVED CARPOOL--

YOU KNOW, 23 MINUTES OF
SEAT BELT-ENFORCED DETENTION

WHERE I COULD MOLD THE MINDS
OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN

WITH MY MUSIC, MY POLITICS
AND MY MORAL CERTAINTY.

YOU CAN'T BUY
THAT KIND OF POWER.

EMILY, IT IS TIME
FOR YOU TO STOP WHINING

AND DEAL WITH GRETCHEN.

IT IS TIME FOR REVENGE.

REVEN--NO.
I DON'T DO REVENGE.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER WIN.

IT IS WHY GRETCHEN STOLE YOUR
POSITION ON THE SCHOOL BOARD.

IT'S WHY SHE CONVINCED
EVERYONE YOU WEAR A WIG,

AND IT IS WHY SHE WILL CONTINUE
TO WALK ALL OVER YOU.

YEAH. WITH HER STUPID SHOES
AND HER STUPID FEET! YEAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE RIGHT!
LET'S DO THIS!

EASY, BIG FELLA. LET'S JUST RELAX IT RIGHT
HERE. (whiny voice) OH, GOD. I CAN'T.

LET'S SPREAD IT OUT.
I CAN'T.

(rings doorbell)

(Jane) COMING!

OH, HELLO, SHEP.
HEY.

I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY FAMILY.

(harp music plays)

THIS IS ANNIE AND BABY SOPHIE,
AND THAT'S MY MANNY HORATIO.

(Shep) HELLO. IT'S NICE TO FINALLY
MEET ALL OF YOU. (electronic beep)

I'VE BEEN REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
HOW DO YOU DO?

CHARMED.
(cries softly)

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY
AND MANNY.

AREN'T THEY, THOUGH?
OKAY, WELL, THIS HAS BEEN NICE.

SHALL WE GO? SURE. UH, BEFORE WE GO,
DO YOU MIND IF I USE YOUR BATHROOM?

OH. OH!

WELL, UM, GEE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT TREE RIGHT THERE?
WE CALL THAT THE PEE TREE.

TAKE A PEE AND MAKE A WISH.
OR I COULD JUST GO AT THE RESTAURANT.

YOUR LOSS.
(dog whimpering)

OH! DO YOU HAVE A DOG?
NO.

(barking) HEY, WHO'S THIS?
WOW. LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY

BROUGHT THE CAGE WITH THEM, HUH?
YEAH.

OH, HE'S GOT MY KEYS.
WAFFLES, NO!

WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES!
NO!

CAN I REALLY PEE
ON THAT TREE?

(Sophie crying, Waffles barking)

I'M SO SORRY, SHEP.

I WASN'T TRYING
TO HIDE ANYTHING FROM YOU

EXCEPT, YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH.
WELL, IT'S OKAY.

NO, IT'S THIS HOUSE,
MY FAMILY--

THEY ARE JUST NOT READY
TO MEET A BOYFRIEND.

I THOUGHT I WOULD GRADUALLY EASE
YOU IN TO THE CHAOS OF MY LIFE.

WELL, TO BE HONEST,

IT WAS A LITTLE STEPFORDY
WHEN I GOT HERE.

YOUR BABY'S WEARING LIPSTICK.
YEAH.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW I'D BE SO
OVERWHELMED AS A SINGLE MOM. SURE.

I KNOW I HAVE HORATIO TO WATCH
THE KIDS, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

I MEAN, I HAVE HAD THIS
TO-DO LIST UP SINCE FOREVER.

"TAPE LAST EPISODE
OF 'FRIENDS.'"

OH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
GREAT CLOSURE FOR PHOEBE.

"SHAVE MY LEGS." I ACTUALLY DID
THAT ONE BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I APPRECIATE THAT. WOW. YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE A MINUTE
TO YOURSELF, RIGHT? (Sophie crying)

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST
STAY IN TONIGHT AND RELAX?

ARE YOU KIDDING? OH, MY GOD,
THAT WOULD BE SO GOOD.

(shoe clunks) ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T MIND STAYING HERE?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL, NO.

I COME FROM A BIG FAMILY,
SO I ENJOY THE CHAOS.

SO WHY DON'T YOU
POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF WINE,

AND I WILL MAKE YOU A
DELICIOUS DINNER? REALLY?

I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY GOOD COOK.
SO I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU

MY SPECIAL... YOGURT, OLIVES

AND AMERICAN CHEESE SINGLES
CASSEROLE.

IT'S RINGING. (laughs)
SHH! SHH!

YEAH. YES, HELLO, I WOULD
LIKE TO ORDER SOME PIZZAS.

IT'S FOR ME--GRETCHEN.
(laughing) SHH!

(deepens voice) GRETCHEN,
HONEY, COME TO BED!

SHH! STOP IT!

YES, OKAY. HOW ABOUT
TWO LARGE CHEESE PIZZAS?

OH, NO, WAIT--CHEESELESS.
(whispers) SHE'S VEGAN.

WHAT? THAT'S NOT-- OKAY,
LET ME GET YOU MY CREDIT CARD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GET MILES.

WHAT? GIMME-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(beep)

TWO PIZZAS?
THAT'S NOT EVEN MEAN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ORDER, LIKE, 15.
OH, BUT THAT WOULD BE EXPENSIVE.

THAT'S THE POINT! SHE'S SUPPOSED
TO PAY FOR, LIKE, 15 PIZZAS.

OH.

YOU JUST ALMOST SENT A REALLY
YUMMY, FREE, VEGAN PIZZA DINNER

RIGHT TO HER FRONT DOOR. OKAY, LET ME TRY
IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME, LET'S DO THAI.

(beeping) I SAW SHE ORDERED IT LAST
NIGHT, SO SHE'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"OH, NOT AGAIN!" (laughs)
ARE YOU MENTAL?

(beep) THIS IS GONNA BE A
LOT MORE WORK THAN I THOUGHT.

MOM!

MOM! MOMMY!

WHAT?

MOM, I REALLY NEED HELP
WITH MY HOMEWORK.

I SUCK AT FRENCH.

(lawnmower whirring)

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

SHEP?

HEY. GOOD MORNING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST TAKING CARE OF ONE OF THE THINGS ON
YOUR TO-DO LIST. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT I WANTED TO.

YOU TAKE CARE
OF YOUR KIDS ALL THE TIME,

BUT NOBODY TAKES CARE OF YOU.
SO TODAY IS OFFICIALLY JANE DAY.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, THAT MEANS THAT
I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE

OF A FEW THINGS HERE, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET OUT OF
THE HOUSE. THAT IS SO THOUGHTFUL, BUT I COULDN'T.

I NEED TO DO SOME DUSTING
IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND I'VE GOT

A BIG STACK OF BILLS.
THANK YOU FOR THIS, BUT I...

(exhales) I JUST CAN'T. (Annie) MOM,
SOPHIE JUST DROOLED IN MY CEREAL,

AND I ATE IT!
NOW I'M GONNA THROW UP!

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF
THE CORRECT WAY TO GET REVENGE.

OKAY. THIS HOUSE RIGHT
HERE BELONGS TO A MAN

WHO CUT ME OFF ON THE FREEWAY LAST WEEK.
OH, MY GOD! IS THAT HIS CAR?

NO, THAT'S HIS MISTRESS' CAR.

I WANT TO LEARN.

SO IT--IT'S MY MOVE, RIGHT?
YES, YEAH.

OKAY. UM, CAN I GO HERE?
YEAH, YOU CAN, BUT I'LL TAKE THIS.

(Horatio) OH!
OH! (laughs)

(Annie) OH, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

(Annie) OKAY. IS IT--
IS IT RIGHT HERE?

(gasps)

(Shep) I GOT YOU.
(Horatio) HO!

OKAY, OKAY.
HEY.

(Shep) HEY. HOW WAS IT?
I HAD THE BEST DAY. I SAW A MOVIE.

I ACTUALLY YELLED AT THIS WOMAN
WHOSE KIDS WERE BEING LOUD.

I WAS LIKE,
"KEEP THOSE KIDS QUIET!

I'M TRYING TO WATCH THIS
MOVIE!" IT WAS SO FUN. (laughs)

AH. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

OH, WELL, I FOUND
THIS CHESSBOARD IN THE OVEN

WHEN I WAS CLEANING UP,
SO I'M TEACHING ANNIE

HOW TO PLAY A LITTLE CHESS.
AH, COMPLICATED CHECKERS. NEVER MY GAME.

IT'S TOO BAD YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PLAY IT,

BECAUSE CHESS IS SO MUCH FUN. WELL, THE
FIFTH CENTURY CHINESE THOUGHT SO. (laughs)

(laughs) WELL,
IT'S NICE TO SEE EVERYONE'S HAVING FUN.

AND LOOK AT THIS--SO CLEAN.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS MADE OF WOOD.
YEAH, AND HE DID IT SO FAST.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING
THE HOUSE LOOK LIKE THIS.

NOT A PROBLEM,
AND IT WASN'T THAT BAD,

EXCEPT FOR YOUR BATHROOM.

DID YOU KNOW YOUR SINK JUST EMPTIED INTO A BUCKET? OH, YOU
HAVE TO TRY THIS DINNER THAT SHEP MADE. IT'S INCREDIBLE.

(Annie) MOM, AMAZING. THEY'RE EXAGGERATING.
ALL I DID WAS I WHIPPED TOGETHER

A LITTLE COD BAKED IN FOIL

WITH SOME FENNEL AND SOME SHALLOTS. I
DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE LAST TWO THINGS ARE,

BUT IT WAS LIKE THAT COD THREW A
BIRTHDAY PARTY IN MY MOUTH. (all laugh)

AND MY MOUTH WAS SURPRISED.

WOW. SOUNDS LIKE THINGS WERE
PERFECT WHILE I WAS GONE.

IS THERE A WORD
FOR MORE THAN PERFECT?

I MEAN, MAYBE WE NEED
TO MAKE ONE UP, LIKE, UH,

"ULTIMO PERFECTRON." THAT'S WHAT TODAY WAS.
(Shep) OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
ULTIMO PERFECTRON!

UH, YEAH, LET'S NOT
GET CARRIED AWAY.

I MEAN, SOPHIE'S STILL AWAKE.

IT IS, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES
PAST HER BEDTIME.

THANK GOD I GOT HERE
WHEN I DID. COME HERE, YOU.

LET MOMMY PUT YOU TO BED.
(crying)

OH. SEE? NOW SHE'S CRANKY.

OHH. HERE. HERE,
LET ME GIVE IT A SHOT.

WELL, I DON'T REALLY...
COME HERE. COME ON.

UP, UP, UP, UP. ARE YOU CRANKY?
OH, THERE YOU GO. (stops crying)

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL JUST DO IT, OKAY?

(singsong voice)
WE'RE GOING TO GO TO SLEEP.

(Sophie giggles)

GOOD MORNING.

MORNING, MOM.
HEY, GOOD MORNING.

HEY, GOOD MORNING.

HEY. SHEP.
WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

OH, I, UH, I CAME BY
TO CLEAN OUT YOUR GUTTERS,

AND THEN I FIGURED I'D MAKE
EVERYBODY SOME BREAKFAST.

AND WE TRIED TO KEEP OUR VOICES
DOWN SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO YELL,

(imitating Jane) "CAN EVERYBODY PLEASE BE
QUIET?" (laughs) DEAD-ON IMPRESSION, SHEP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ON THE WEEKEND? OH,
I'M NOT GONNA MISS SHEP'S FAMOUS FRITTATA.

OH, IT'S NOT FAMOUS.
IT SHOULD BE.

WELL, I HAVE SOME BIG PLANS
FOR EVERYONE.

I THOUGHT WE'D GO
ON A PICNIC!

SHEP, YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME.
OH, THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA,

BUT I HAVE BOOKED YOU
A MASSAGE AT THE SPA.

JANE DAY HAS TURNED
INTO JANE WEEKEND.

WELL, THAT IS SO NICE
OF YOU, SHEP, BUT I HONESTLY--

I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING OUT
ON ALL THE FAMILY FUN.

SO I THINK I'LL JUST
HANG OUT HERE WITH YOU GUYS,

AND I PROMISE I'LL SAY,
"EVERYBODY, PLEASE BE QUIET!"

YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK
YOU SHOULD GO,

BECAUSE NOBODY'S GONNA BE HERE.
OH.

I-I KNOW THAT ANNIE'S, UM--
YEAH, I'M GOING TO ALICIA'S.

(Jane) OH.
SOPHIE--I'M TAKING HER TO BABY YOGA.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
VERY FLEXIBLE AT THIS AGE

'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BONES. RIGHT,
AND--AND I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FIX THE SINK,

SO, UH, WE'RE ALL REALLY BUSY.
SO HAVE A GREAT JANE WEEKEND. BYE, MOMMY.

THANK YOU, AND I'LL BE AT
THE SPA IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME.

(Annie) ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. READY?
BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN.

ONE, TWO, THREE.
GO, MORTONS! AND SHEP!

YEAH!
WHOO!

ALL RIGHT! HEY, HEY,
WHO WANTS SOME BREAKFAST DESSERT?

(Annie) OH, ME.
I MADE SOME.

THIS IS MY WILDING BOX.

GRETCHEN'S MINIVAN
IS YOUR CANVAS.

THESE ARE YOUR PAINTS.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

WE ARE GONNA RUIN
THAT GRETCHEN'S DAY.

YES, WE ARE. NOW GET OUT THERE
AND MAKE GRETCHEN PAY

FOR HAVING A CARPOOL
THAT MAKES KIDS HAPPY. GO ON.

NO.

MAYBE LATER.
MNH-MNH.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO IT LATER.
PROBABLY NOT.

(static)
OKAY, EYES ON ME!

I don't know what those mean. COME ON.
EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS.

I... OH.

KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS.

I'M JUST GONNA DO IT-- I'LL DO IT TOMORROW.
OPRAH. POWER OF NOW.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.
(grunts)

OH.

THEY SHOULD REALLY FIX THIS.
Not a priority.

LET'S FOCUS.

(pants)

I'M IN.

OPEN YOUR BOX!

OKAY, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

I'M NOT USING THIS.

(static) OH, SORRY.
THAT'S ACTUALLY FOR THE BEDROOM.

WHAT IS THIS?

(hisses)

(whispers) A SNAKE?
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

CAREFUL.
HE'S A LITTLE DEHYDRATED.

(door closes) (normal voice,
gasps) WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED.

BUG OUT!

Hey, nice time-waster.

I THINK I JUST TINKLED
A LITTLE. COPY THAT.

I THINK MY FAMILY
LIKES SHEP MORE THAN ME.

YEAH? SCREW THEM.

ROSEMARY, THAT'S MY FAMILY.
Oh, right.

WELL, DIDN'T YOU WANT THEM
TO LIKE SHEP?

A little, but I didn't want
them to be in like with him.

ANNIE TALKS ABOUT
HOW COOL HE IS,

AND SOPHIE GIGGLES AT HIM,
AND HORATIO SAYS THE HOUSE

has never been more pleasant.

YEAH, IT IS
REALLY NICE IN HERE.

ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?
MNH-MNH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR.
I HAVE TO BE THE CRABBY MOM,

AND HE GETS TO HAVE
ALL THE FUN AND SMOKE SALMON

and play Pictionary.
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY PICTIONARY?

'CAUSE ALL MY DRAWINGS LOOK
LIKE SOME VERSION OF A HOT DOG.

And surprise, surprise,
all his drawings are perfect.

WOW. I'm telling you,
they'd rather be with him.

My new boyfriend
has replaced me.

NO, NO. YOU'RE PARANOID.

OH, AM I? AM I?

THEY ALL SAID
THEY WERE BUSY TODAY,

AND THEN THEY LEFT WITHOUT ME,
BUT I FOLLOWED 'EM.

AND GUESS WHAT?

THEY'RE ALL HANGING OUT LIKE
ONE BIG, HAPPY, MOMLESS FAMILY.

You followed them?

I LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON
WITH YOU SISTERS THESE DAYS.

COLOR ME BETRAYED.

(beep)

OH, REALLY!

YOU ALL HAD THINGS TO DO TODAY.
JANE.

(Annie) MOM?
I GET IT. I GET IT. OKAY?

I AM NOT THE MOST FUN MOM
IN THE WORLD,

AND I DON'T HAVE A LOT
OF SPARE TIME TO DO STUFF.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU
GUYS HAVE TO GET TOGETHER

AND HANG OUT BEHIND MY BACK.
JANE, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE DOING.

OH, REALLY? OH, REALLY?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET ANNIE

TO COME HERE FOR TWO YEARS,
OKAY?

WHO WANTS TO COME HERE WITH
THEIR BORING OLD MOM WHEN THEY

CAN COME HERE WITH SHEP.
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT SHEP?

(Muzak playing)

OHH. YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
SOMETHING FOR ME, HAVEN'T YOU?

UGH.

(sighs)
I AM SUCH A JACKAPPLE.

(honks horn)

STOP HONKING!
IT'S NOT MY BUMPER STICKER!

(both laugh)

(honks horn)
I'M NOT HORNY!

(both laughing)

OKAY. I GOTTA HAND IT
TO YOU, EMILY.

THE BUMPER STICKER WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN MY FIRST CHOICE,

BUT I GOTTA SAY,
IT WAS SIMPLE, ELEGANT.

IT WAS CLASSY.
I GUESS IN A LOT OF WAYS,

YOU HAVE THINGS
TO TEACH ME, TOO.

GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT

THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE TEACHER.
NO, YOU COULDN'T.

OKAY, MAYBE NOT.
(doorbell ringing)

(Gretchen) EMILY, OPEN THE DOOR! (whispers)
OH! GRETCHEN'S ON TO US! WE'RE NOT HERE.

I'M NOT HORNY, EMILY, AND I KNOW
WHAT YOU DID! (knocking on door)

AND I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!
OPEN THE DOOR! (doorbell ringing)

(doorbell stops ringing)

(sighs)

OH!

OH, MY GOD.

HI!

WHY?
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

I HAVE GOT NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT. OH, REALLY?

BECAUSE MY MINIVAN MINICAM
CAUGHT EVERYTHING YOU DID...

IN H.D.

DAMN THAT VAN!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IT WAS JUST
A HARMLESS JOKE, OKAY?

HARMLESS?
I WAS A SEX ADDICT, OKAY?

OH, MY GOD.

THREE YEARS CLEAN.

OH, GRETCHEN,
I AM SO SORRY.

I HAD NO IDEA.

I JUST... I JUST...

LISTEN, I JUST PLAYED
THAT STUPID PRANK ON YOU

BECAUSE, WELL, BECAUSE...

(lowers voice)
I'M JEALOUS OF YOU.

WHAT? WHAT'S THAT?
(normal voice) I'M JEALOUS OF YOU, OKAY?

REALLY?

WHY? I'M ALWAYS JUST TRYING
TO KEEP UP WITH YOU.

REALLY?
(grunts)

I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE.

I MEAN, IF I WASN'T ME,

I'D... I'D PROBABLY
BE JEALOUS OF ME, TOO.

DON'T YOU JERKS
SEE THAT YOU'RE

PLAYING FOR THE SAME
INCREDIBLY ANNOYING TEAM?

FROM UP HERE, I CAN'T EVEN
REALLY TELL YOU APART.

(scoffs) OKAY.

INSTEAD OF FIGHTING,
YOU NEED TO COMBINE YOUR FORCES

AND BECOME SOME KIND
OF HIDEOUS,

HOLIER-THAN-THOU
MOMMY MONSTER.

OH, WHY DID I HAVE TO SAY IT?

YOU KNOW...

IF WE WERE TO

I DON'T KNOW,
JOIN FORCES...

I'M LISTENING.

WE COULD SHAME THE NEIGHBORHOOD
INTO BEING MORE LIKE US.

OOH, YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO?
WHAT?

YOU KNOW THAT HORRIBLE HEDGE

THAT'S IN FRONT OF THE FIORE HOUSE?
HATE THAT HEDGE!

WE COULD JUST GET RID OF IT.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE WRITTEN THAT MEAN OLD MAN

COUNTLESS LETTERS ASKING HIM TO MANICURE IT, AND YET
NOT A WORD. OH! ME, TOO, EXCEPT I SENT E-MAILS.

WE'RE A PAPERLESS HOUSEHOLD.
GIRLS, I COULD HELP YOU WITH THAT HEDGE.

I AM SO SORRY, SHEP.

I GUESS I HAVE A LITTLE BIT
OF A "AM I A FUN MOM?" COMPLEX,

AND THEN WHEN I SAW YOU
AND THE KIDS HAVING A BLAST

WITHOUT ME, IT JUST--
I DON'T KNOW.

I HAD A REACTION. YOU MEAN YOU BARGED
INTO A CHILDREN'S POTTERY STUDIO

LIKE A CRAZED METH ADDICT.
PRETTY ACCURATE.

YEAH.
LOOK, JANE, I UNDERSTAND.

YOU--YOU WANT TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY,

AND I GET IT. THEY'RE--THEY'RE FANTASTIC.
THEY ARE GREAT.

I THINK THAT'S WHY I NEVER GET
TO ANYTHING ON MY TO-DO LIST--

'CAUSE THEY'RE
JUST TOO IMPORTANT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO EXCLUDE YOU.

I-I GUESS I JUST WANTED
TO CHARM THEM PRETTY HARD

BECAUSE... I LIKE YOU.

SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I WILL TRY TO BE
LESS CHARMING.

THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW THAT WASN'T
TOO CHARMING, WAS IT?

THIS IS SO EXCITING.
YOU KNOW, IT FEELS RIGHT--

TWO RIVALS UNITING
AGAINST A COMMON ENEMY.

OH, I FEEL SO FREE,
SO LIBERATED,

SO... SEXUAL.

YOU KNOW, IN A HORRIBLE WAY,
I KIND OF WANT TO SEE

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT HERE,
BUT WE GOTTA BOUNCE.