In the Motherhood (2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - It Takes a Village Idiot - full transcript

I'D LOVE TO HAVE DRINKS,
BUT I CAN'T.

I'VE HAD THE LONGEST DAY
AT WORK,

AND I NEED TO RELIEVE MY "MANNY"
AND I NEED TO SEE MY KIDS.

HONEY, IT'S OKAY.
HERE. HERE YOU GO, BABY. HERE.

MY GOD. IT'S LOUD!

IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY. BRAVO, BE QUIET!

IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

OKAY, I SAW THE KIDS.
I WILL SEE YOU IN TEN MINUTES.

GOD, IT'S SO PEACEFUL.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
KIDS EVEN LIVE HERE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT 'EM.
THEY'RE LIKE TINY LITTLE MUTES. I KNOW.



THEY JUST LOVE
FOLDING LAUNDRY.

HEY, KIDS, I GOT A COUPLE LOADS
OUT IN THE CAR.

I LIKE THE WHITES
IN A SEPARATE BASKET.

MORE FOLDING! YAY!
I GET TO IRON!

OKAY, GUYS, I HAVE
SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS.

WHAT?
WHAT?

I HAVE A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT.
WHAT A RELIEF.

GOD, I CANNOT TELL YOU
HOW HARD IT'S BEEN FOR ME

TO THINK ABOUT MY DIVORCED,
YOU KNOW, MUCH OLDER SISTER

LIVING ALL ALONE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THIS KIND OF
SADNESS THAT NEVER LEAVES YOU.

OKAY, LET'S STAY FOCUSED HERE,
ALL RIGHT? THIS IS ABOUT ME.

I AM JUST SAYING
I HAVEN'T HAD A DATE

IN I DON'T KNOW
HOW MANY YEARS.



I MEAN, LAST TIME
I WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE,

I HAD THIS ELABORATE,
FEATHERED-BACK HAIRDO.

I'VE STILL GOT IT.
YOU SURE DO.

OKAY,
I'M A LITTLE FREAKED OUT.

NOBODY HAS SEEN THIS
IN A VERY LONG TIME.

WELL, I HOPE
IT STILL WORKS.

I JUST SAW THIS THING
ON ANIMAL PLANET

ABOUT THE ANTEATER WORLD,
AND AFTER TEN MONTHS...

IT JUST SEALS RIGHT BACK UP.

MY...

OOH, IT'S ANNIE.

SHH! SHH! SHH! HUSH!
NOBODY'S TALKING.

HI, HONEY.

NO, I'M STILL AT WORK.
YEAH, TOTALLY AT WORK.

HEY, I'LL SLIDE
THAT P.F.D. FILE ON THE PLANS

TO YOUR FLASH DRIVE
A.S.A.P., BOSS!

LOOK, I'M SWAMPED.
HONEY, I'M SORRY. I GOTTA GO.

OKAY, SWEET DREAMS.

JANE, THAT WAS A COMPLETE LIE.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LIE

TO... PROTECT... THEM

FROM... THE FACT
THAT I NEED TO DO THIS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE.
I LIE TO MY SON ALL THE TIME.

I STEAL FROM HIM. WHERE DO
YOU THINK I GOT THIS T-SHIRT?

IT'S CUTE.
THANKS.

I GUESS WE JUST HAVE
DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES.

JASON AND I HAVE A LONG-TERM
PLAN BASED ON HONESTY,

AND... YOU'RE A LIAR.

OKAY, I DON'T THINK

YOU'RE QUITE AS HONEST WITH YOUR
KIDS AS YOU THINK. YES, I AM.

WHAT ABOUT THE FAT BEARDED MAN
IN THE RED COAT?

WHAT? WAS THAT SOMEONE YOU DATED?
NO.

WELL, YOU DATE A LOT OF FAT GUYS.
SANTA.

SANTA DOESN'T COUNT
AS LYING.

REALLY? SO YOU TELL THEM
THAT A BIG, FAT MAN

COMES DOWN A TINY CHIMNEY,
AND THAT'S NOT A LIE?

RIGHT, THAT'S NOT A LIE.

MY GOD.

OKAY, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD TELL
THEM THE TRUTH. THANK YOU.

KIDS!

NOT NOW!
NO! NO, EMILY!

NO, JANE,
I HAVE TO DO THIS

OR I'LL BE
A LYING PARENT LIKE YOU.

SWEETHEARTS, THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SANTA.

NONSENSE!
NO, EMILY!

SHUT! SANTA CLAUS IS A MADE-UP PERSON.

CHILDHOOD OFFICIALLY OVER.

OKAY, I'M GONNA
GO POST THIS ON THE BLOG.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
BABY ON BOARD. CUTTING.

HI. CAN I HAVE A DECAF MOCHA?
HEY!

NO CUTS, FATTY.

GO AHEAD AND CUT.

WELL, HELLO? IS THIS FAIR?

SHE GETS TO CUT IN LINE
JUST 'CAUSE SHE'S PREGNANT?

GREAT. PERFECT.
WELL, I GUESS IF I WAS...

EXCUSE ME...

EVERYBODY, BUT, UM,

I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT I'M PREGNANT, TOO.

YEAH, I GOT A TEXT.

YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY
'CAUSE I'M, LIKE, 50.

- NO, IT'S--IT'S A MIRACLE.
- YES!

CONGRATULATIONS.
MAZEL TOV. CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.
IN THE MEANTIME, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M ACTUALLY GONNA CUT
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

BECAUSE, UM... I REALLY
HAVE TO PEE.

YOU KNOW US PREGNANT WOMEN AND OUR
TINY, LITTLE BLADDERS.

SHH, SHH. HEY, HEY.

HI. SORRY I'M LATE.
A TACO FELL INTO MY GEARSHIFT.

I ALMOST GOT INTO A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.
SHE'S BEEN CRYING ALL MORNING.

THAT'S OKAY. I GOT HER. I GOT HER. HONEY,
YOUR MANNY'S HERE. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

YEAH.
I KNOW.

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?
IT'S WHALE LANGUAGE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO TRANSLATE
INTO ENGLISH. YEAH. OKAY.

UM, HEY, HORATIO...

ARE YOU BUSY FRIDAY NIGHT?

JANE.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE
THIS WHOLE ANGELA/TONY

"WHO'S THE BOSS?" FANTASY THING
GOING, BUT I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.
CAN'T FORCE THESE THINGS.

YEAH.

NO, I NEED YOU TO BABYSIT.

AND I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, EITHER, SO...
YEAH, RIGHT.

NO, I ACTUALLY HAVE A DATE.

A DATE? YOU HAVE A DATE?

WELL, NO.
I MEAN, IT'S...

IT'S JUST DINNER
WITH THIS GUY AT WORK--

SHEP--WHO'S REALLY FUNNY.

HE DOES THE FUNNIEST
BORAT IMPRESSION.

HE'S LIKE, "MY SISTER
IS PROSTITUTE."

OKAY.

YOU WOULD LAUGH
IF YOU SAW HIM DO IT.

ANYWAY, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
BUT FRIDAY? CAN YOU DO FRIDAY?

I CAN'T DO FRIDAY NIGHT.

WHY? I HAVE A DATE WITH TINA.
YOU KNOW, FROM TINA'S TACOS?

YEAH, I MEAN, SHE'S OKAY,

BUT THE TACOS...
OOH, THEY'RE AMAZING.

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME
I CAN SQUEEZE THIS IN.

PLEASE. UM...

WHAT IF I DO AN EARLY DATE?
I'LL BE BACK BY 9:00, PROMISE.

OKAY, OKAY, FINE. BUT REMEMBER, I LOVE THESE
TACOS. QUICK DINNER. IN AND OUT. THANK YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE BROTHERS TO ME.
OKAY. OKAY.

I MEAN, DON'T TAKE THIS
THE WRONG WAY,

BUT IF A RUNAWAY BUS WAS HEADING
TOWARDS YOU AND THIS TACO PLACE,

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHO I'D PUSH OUT OF THE WAY.

THEY'RE GOOD TACOS. OKAY.
I-I--YEAH, OKAY. BYE, SOPHIE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME.
ALL RIGHT. TAKE IT EASY.

YOU LIKE TACOS?

EMILY?
WHAT?

DID I TELL YOU
THAT I'M PREGNANT?

I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY 'CAUSE I'M, LIKE, 50.
MY--THIS IS A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE!

IT REALLY IS.
CAN I FEEL?

SURE, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
I THINK I JUST FELT IT KICK.

YOU DID NOT.
I DID!

NO, NO, PROBABLY NOT.
I DEFINITELY DID. MY GOD.

WAIT, IS THE DAD THAT GUY WITH
ONE HAND FROM NEW YEAR'S EVE?

SURE. YEAH. HOW MANY HANDS ARE YOU GONNA
HAVE, LITTLE FELLA? OKAY, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

OKAY, BUT I'M KIDDING.
I'M NOT PREGNANT, EMILY. WHAT?!

I'M, LIKE, 50. I DON'T EVEN
HAVE MY PERIOD ANYMORE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THERE WAS
A MAN ON "OPRAH" WHO HAD A BABY.

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE. COULD I PLEASE USE
YOUR STUFFED ARMADILLO AS A STOMACH?

IT'S A BEDBUG. HOW COULD I HAVE
EVER MADE THAT MISTAKE? SILLY ME.

ROSEMARY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I THINK IT'S KIND OF A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

I MEAN,
THE PREGNANT WOMAN IN THIS SOCIETY

HAS BEEN ELEVATED TO
THE LEVEL OF A GODDESS, EMILY,

AND I REALLY WANNA
GET A PIECE OF IT.

I WANT THE ATTENTION
AND THE BACK RUBS

AND THE FREE FOOD AND
THE WHOLE NINE. OKAY.

I MEAN, WHERE'S THE HARM
IN IT, RIGHT?

IT'S A BOUNTY.
IT'S THERE FOR THE TAKING.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
IT WAS A MORNING FROM HELL.

MY MANNY WAS LATE.
SO WHO CARES?

YOU NEVER HEAR ME GOING ON
ABOUT KIDS AND FAMILY TRAUMA.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'D BE
KIND OF WEIRD, BLAIR,

SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS. ACTUALLY, I HAVE
4--GIRL 11, BOY 8, TWO 3-YEAR-OLD TWINS.

THAT IS BLOWING MY MIND.
I HAVE WORKED HERE FOR 12 YEARS,

AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU HAD KIDS.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE

I NEVER BRING MY PERSONAL LIFE
INTO THE OFFICE, JANE.

HEY, JANE. YOU LOOK PRETTY.

THANK YOU.
YEAH.

HEY, I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I'M LOOKING FORWARD

TO OUR BIG THIRD DATE
FRIDAY NIGHT.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ETHIOPIAN FOOD OR DO
YOU PREFER FORKS? NO, IT'S OUR FIRST DATE.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S OUR THIRD DATE.

THERE WAS THAT TIME WE HAD
COFFEE--FIRST DATE, AND THEN

AND THEN THE TIME WE WERE
TRAPPED IN THE RAINSTORM

ON THE WAY TO THE PARKING LOT--
VERY WET, VERY CINEMATIC.

I SAID, "ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC?"
OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT IT.

THAT WAS THE SECOND DATE,
AND THEN THIS WILL BE THE THIRD.

I-I-I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE WERE...
COUNTING. YOU GOTTA COUNT 'EM.

OKAY, WHOA. SO THAT'S-- SO IT'S
OUR THIRD DATE. BIG THREE, YEAH.

YEAH,
GREAT SUCCESS. WA WA WEE WA!

CAN YOU--CAN YOU
DO THAT ON MY VOICE MAIL

- SO MY MANNY CAN HEAR IT?
- ABSOLUTELY. YEAH.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

DOES HE LIKE BORAT?
NO.

HELLO?

HELLO, THIS IS BILL'S TEACHER.
WHAT?

CAN YOU COME DOWN HERE
IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE? I'M ON IT.

LIZ?

LIZ? LIZ.

HELLO. LIZ?

LIZ, WHAT IS GOING ON?

H-HE'S A MONSTER.

WHAT?
YOUR SON'S A MONSTER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR FAMILY
DOESN'T BELIEVE IN MONSTERS.

AND THERE'S NO SANTA
AND THERE'S NO TOOTH FAIRY,

AND SINCE YOU WERE
BORN IN AMERICA,

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL GROW UP
TO BE A PRINCESS.

MY GOD.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

YEAH, MY SOUL MATE,
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT.

THE FATHER
OF MY UNBORN CHILD.

AND NOW HE'S DEAD.

GOSH.

SO SUPER DEAD.

AND NOW THIS LITTLE CREATURE
RIGHT HERE,

WHO LOVES HIS HALF CAF,

WILL NEVER KNOW THAT POOR,
DEAR, SWEET, DEAD DADDY.

DID YOU SAY HALF CAF?
WHAT?

LET ME GET THAT FOR YA.

IS THAT SWEET?
TOTAL STRANGER. YEAH.

HEY, LET'S MAKE IT
A CAF CAF.

JUST THIS ONCE
COULDN'T HURT, RIGHT?

AND ONE OF THOSE
SILVER COMMUTER MUGS.

THOSE ARE GOOD
FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

OOH.

EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

MY GOD. IS IT MINE?

I DON'T KNOW. IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW. IS IT?

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BOUGHT
CONDOMS AT THE DOLLAR STORE.

IT'S FAKE.

OKAY, IT'S FAKE. FEEL IT.

DOES THAT TURN YOU ON?
A LITTLE BIT.

WHY YOU DOING IT?

I'M DOING
A LITTLE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT,

HANGING OUT
WITH MY NEW PREGGY BUDS...

GETTIN' SOME FREE STUFF.

I WANT IN.

CAN YOU BE COOL?

I THINK SO.
DON'T LET ME DOWN.

HEY, EVERYBODY!
LOOK WHO I FOUND.

THIS IS HORATIO,
MY STAY-AT-HOME-DAD FRIEND... AW.

AND HIS BABY... LARK.

HERE IS THE THING--
IT'S NOT A FIRST DATE.

I JUST FOUND OUT
IT'S OUR THIRD DATE.

THIRD DATE?
THAT MEANS SEX, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WHEN I WAS DATING,
THAT MEANT SEX.

YEAH, EVEN WHEN I WAS LIVING IN
THE ANDES WITH THE ZEN MASTERS,

THIRD DATE MEANT SEX.

PLUS, YOU GOT A GOAT.

WELL, ON OUR THIRD DATE,

JASON AND I MADE SWEET LOVE
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

IT WAS EXACTLY
46 MINUTES LONG,

WHICH IS THE PERFECT DURATION
FOR INTERCOURSE.

OKAY, HEY, I CAN'T DO THIS.
I'M NOT READY.

WELL, JANE,
DO YOU NOT LIKE SEX?

I mean, a lot of people
don't like it,

AND ASEXUAL PEOPLE
CAN LEAD FULFILLING LIVES.

YOU COULD PICK UP A CRAFT.

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THE SEXLESS NEUTER LADY.

THAT'S A BLAST. YEAH, A LOT
OF ROAD RAGE AND MALL WALKING.

HEY, GUYS, I LIKE SEX, OKAY?

AND...

PEOPLE HAVE EVEN TOLD ME I'M
VERY GOOD AT IT. WOW.

REALLY? IF YOU MUST KNOW.
YEAH, A LOT OF GUYS HAVE SAID--

OKAY, NOT A LOT.
I MEAN, THE RIGHT AMOUNT.

Listen, Seth is cute.
YEAH.

IT'S BEEN 15 MONTHS. RIGHT, AND WHEN
ARE YOU EVER GONNA HAVE THIS TIME AGAIN?

YEAH, I SHOULD DO IT. WHEN AM I
GONNA HAVE TWO HOURS EVEN?

YOU'RE NOT, SO JUST DO IT.
YOU CAN DO IT, JANE.

YOU CAN DO IT.
YES, YES, I CAN I DO THIS. YES, I CAN!

RIGHT, YOU CAN DO IT.
JUST GO GET DOWN ON IT.

IT'S JUST LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE,
JUST... WITHOUT THE SEAT.

OKAY, THANK YOU. VERY HELPFUL.
I'M HANGING UP NOW.

IS IT IRRITATING
THAT I'M STILL HERE?

SO AS YOU KNOW,

THE PARENTS ARE REALLY UPSET...

ABOUT THE BILL INCIDENT.

WE BELIEVE THAT WE DID THE RIGHT
THING BY BEING HONEST WITH BILL.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY,

ONLY HONEST AND TRUTHFUL
PARENTS

CAN RAISE
HONEST AND TRUTHFUL KIDS.

LISTEN TO HER. THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! WHO
SAID THAT? THANK YOU. ME! I DID!

DR. PHIL.

I DID. I DID. I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTAND HOW BAD THIS REALLY WAS.

COME HERE. IT WAS, UM,
IT WAS THE DEATH OF INNOCENCE.

AND...

YOUR SON WAS
THE LONE GUNMAN.

NO.
BABY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY BUYING
THIS, ARE YOU? NO.

WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO UPSET?
BECAUSE IT IS. IT'S--SHE'S RIGHT.

THAT'S--THAT'S ENOUGH. ENOUGH TOUCHING.
IT'S THE--IT'S THE DEATH OF INNOCENCE.

OKAY, BUT-- OUR--OUR--OUR
CHILD WAS THE LONE GUNMAN.

BUT WE--AT HOME,
WE WERE TOGETHER ON THIS.

WHAT IS GOING ON?
WELL, WE WERE HAVING SEX!

OKAY? I WOULD'VE BACKED YOU
ON ANYTHING, EMILY.

HEY, LISTEN, WE AGREED.

WE SAID WE'D TELL THE KIDS
ABOUT SANTA WHEN THEY WERE 9.

WELL, I WAS IN A SITUATION!
NO, YOU WEREN'T. NO, YOU WEREN'T.

YOU DEVIATED FROM THE PLAN.

WELL, NOW YOU KNOW
HOW IT FELT

WHEN ESTHER TOOK HER FIRST STEPS
IN FRONT OF YOU!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE JUST DID IT.

YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM.
WHAT'D YOU WANT ME TO DO?

SAY, "NO, DON'T TAKE YOUR--" YOU COULD'VE
KNOCKED HER DOWN AND WAITED FOR ME!

THIS ISN'T MY FAULT. THIS IS NOT MY--
YEAH. NO, I KNOW NOTHING'S YOUR FAULT!

INDOOR VOICES, PLEASE.
I GET IT. REALLY? OKAY. OKAY.

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT, OKAY?
YOU DEVIATED FROM THE PLAN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA DEVIATE, TOO. ARE YOU?

YEAH, BILL'S PLAYING PEE WEE FOOTBALL. OKAY, GREAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? MEETING ADJOURNED, ALL RIGHT?

WE ALL AGREE THAT I'M
THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!

HOW DO I GET OUT
OF THIS CHAIR?

ON MOTHER'S DAY, I'M GONNA
GO TO A MOVIE ALL BY MYSELF

AND THEN CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP!
AND THEN I'LL GO

AND GET MY TUBES TIED,
AND EVERYONE WILLBE HAPPY!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- SO WHAT I DO IS, I GO...
- IT'S NICE...

WHICH IS LIKE...

TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS...

BUT I MAKE
IT MORE NASALLY. GREAT.

- SO IT'S... NICE.
- IT'S NICE.

YEAH. PERFECT. THAT'S RIGHT. IT
SOUNDED GREAT. I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHAT?

THIRD DATE JUST OFFICIALLY STARTED.
YEP, JUST NOW. REALLY? OKAY, GOOD.

EVERYONE, LISTEN. I HATE
TO SPRING THIS ON ALL OF YOU,

BUT, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM
THE SUITS THAT WE'RE GONNA

HAVE TO HAVE THAT
SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR

THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN DREADING.
WHAT? HOW LONG COULD THIS TAKE?

NOT LONG.

APPARENTLY,
SOMEONE'S... EX-ASSISTANT

INTERPRETED A LITTLE
LIGHT BANTER, SOME MILD TUSSLING

AND A LITTLE LINGERIE SHOW
AS HARASSMENT.

SO WE'VE GOTTA DO THIS NOW...
TONIGHT...

BEFORE THE SUBPOENA.

HEY, BETTY.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON THE FRONT
OF YOUR SWEATER--MY EYES.

OKAY.

UM, ALL RIGHT, SITUATION 23--

WHAT SHOULD
BETTY'S CORRECT RESPONSE BE?

UM, OKAY, "A"--
"GLENN, YOU ARE SO FUNNY."

THAT'D BE MINE.

"B"--"GLENN, YOU'RE A PIG."
WELL, NO.

OR "C" --SHE STAYS QUIET

AND SHE SEES HER SUPERVISOR
TO FILE A REPORT.

WELL, THAT--THAT IS LAME.
I-I'M NOT MAKING IT UP.

HONESTLY, WHERE I COME FROM,

THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED
A COMPLIMENT.

CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON?

OKAY, NOW I GOT AWAY WITH IT
IN '87,

BUT THAT WAS A CORPORATE THING,
AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT

TO TRY IT HERE,
BUT I'M JUST GONNA TELL YOU

THIS ATTORNEY IN VENEZUELA WAS AMAZING.
OKAY, AND WE'RE DONE. LET'S GO.

AND WE'RE MOVING ON
TO THE DISCUSSION SESSION.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
BLAIR, IT IS PAST 8:00.

I AM SURE NO ONE
HAS ANY QUESTIONS.

YES, MARIALICE.

IT'S, IT'S ACTUALLY RHODA.
AND THIS ISN'T

SO MUCH A QUESTION
AS IT'S A-A PERSONAL STORY.

WHY?!

UM, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

I WAS IN THE BREAK ROOM.
IT WAS SO CROWDED.

AND A LARGE MAN WALKED IN.
YES?

AND HE PRESSED HIMSELF
UP AGAINST ME

AT THE FOOD MACHINE.

NOW I KNOW HE WAS GOING IN
FOR A CANDY BAR...

BUT I'M NOT A STUPID PERSON.

I KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HEY.

AND THIS LARGE MAN

WAS ENJOYING HIMSELF.
IT'S FAT CHRIS.

WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT FAT CHRIS.

OKAY, IT'S A SMALL SPACE,
AND IT'S HAPPENED TO ALL OF US.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
THAT'S IT. LET'S GO, GUYS.

IT'S OVER. THANK YOU.
I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SAY.

NO. THANK YOU. BLAIR, COME ON.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. SO HELPFUL.

YOU'VE REALLY HELPED A LOT
OF PEOPLE TODAY. THANK YOU.

- WE GET IT. WE GET IT. NO SEX TALK IN THE WORK PLACE.
- WELL, WE'RE ALL HERE. LET'S GET A DRINK.

DROP YOUR PANTS.
WHAT?

SHEP, I HAVE, LIKE, 17 MINUTES
BEFORE I LOSE MY MANNY.

SO WHY DON'T WE
JUST THIRD DATE RIGHT HERE?

NICE.
SEXY TIME. OKAY. NO BORAT.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NO.

AND THEN WE CAN HAVE
A LINGERIE SHOW.

I THINK THERE'S SOME WINE
IN MY DESK.

MY GOD.
WOW, THAT IS DIRTY.

OKAY. YOU TWO ARE IN
SERIOUS BREACH OF COMPANY POLICY.

TECHNICALLY, UM,
HE'S MY SUPERVISOR, SO I,

YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
I'VE GOTTA GO.

I'M SORRY.
I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME.

ME, TOO. AAH.

GREAT THIRD DATE.

THAT WAS--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. UM, STOP IT.

SURPRISE!

IT'S A BABY SHOWER?

PRESENTS! YAY!

AW, YOU GUYS!

YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO,
BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.

WHAT IS THIS, A BLUE-RAY DVD PLAYER?
I'M THE PREGNANT ONE. THAT'S MINE. GIVE IT!

PUT IT DOWN!
ARE YOU CRAZY?!

PUT IT DOWN!
BUT I WANT IT!

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

HOW DARE YOU LIE TO US
LIKE THIS?

OKAY, YOU GUYS, LISTEN,

I AM REALLY SORRY.
YOU GUYS ARE SUCH NICE PEOPLE,

AND I FEEL SO BAD. I DON'T EVEN
REALLY KNOW WHY I DID THIS NOW.

I JUST--I...
I GUESS I WAS JEALOUS.

YOU KNOW, 15 YEARS AGO,

WHEN I WAS PREGNANT,
AND I WAS,

I WAS IN THE PEACE CORPS,
AND WE WERE IN THE CONGO,

AND THERE WERE, LIKE,
NO PERKS.

NO PRENATAL MASSAGE,
NO CUTE LITTLE MATERNITY TOPS.

I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE
SNAKES AND MALARIA,

SO IT WAS
A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO I THINK THAT I JUST KINDA
WANTED TO GET A PIECE

OF WHAT IT IS THAT YOU GUYS
ALL TAKE FOR GRANTED.

PLEASE DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME
THAT I WAS IN THE PEACE CORPS

OR THAT I... DATED A GUY
THAT WAS IN THE PEACE CORPS.

OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.

AND THEN I JUST RAN OUT, SO I
DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT ENDED.

I HOPE
SHEP DIDN'T GET FIRED,

AND I HOPE NO ONE FOUND
MY THONG ON THE FAX MACHINE.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
JASON AND I HAD HOURS

OF THE MOST AMAZING MAKEUP SEX

AND THEN A BUNCH
OF THE REGULAR SEX,

AND DURING SNACK BREAK,
WE CAME UP WITH A PLAN

TO MAKE IT UP TO THE KIDS.
HEY, GUYS, YOU THINK ALL THIS RED'S

WASHING ME OUT A LITTLE BIT? WHAT DO YOU GUYS
THINK? NO, YOU LOOK GREAT! IT'S PERFECT. YAY!

WHAT ARE YOU PACKING, DUDE?
THAT LOOKS FANTASTIC.

THIS IS 90% QUILTED POLY-FIBER
AND, 10% CHALUPAS.

THAT IS NICE. NICE SHAPE.

GOD!
I MISS BEING PREGNANT.

IT JUST MAKES YOUR LEGS
LOOK SO SKINNY.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

OKAY, SO YOU KNOW THE DRILL,
RIGHT? YOU'RE GONNA GET UP

ON THAT ROOF AND THEN-- RIGHT, RIGHT,
YEAH, I GOT IT. I'VE DRESSED UP LIKE SANTA

A THOUSAND TIMES.
SOME LADIES ARE INTO THAT.

ANYWAY... HOW'S THIS?

HO HO HO!

YES!

YOU KNOW, NO, I'VE SEEN IT.

DO SOMETHING NEW.
MIX IT UP. TRY LIKE THIS.

HO HO HO.

MOM, WE'RE HOME!
PLACES, EVERYONE! IT'S HAPPENING, PEOPLE.

LET'S GO. PLACES! LOOK AT MY
LITTLE SISTER LYING TO HER KIDS.

I KNOW. NOW SHE'S JUST
A NORMAL MOM,

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
DON'T EVER SAY THAT.

OKAY, HI, KIDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE GOT SOME IMPORTANT NEWS
FOR YOU.

I WAS MISINFORMED--
THERE REALLY IS A SANTA CLAUS!

THANK YOU, ROSEMARY!

ROSEMARY, YOU JUST STOLE
THAT PRECIOUS MOMENT FROM ME.

WHAT?

DON'T BE PETTY, EMILY.
LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE.

HEY, AND, GUYS?
LOOK OUTSIDE.

- THERE'S A SURPRISE FROM AUNT JANE!
- HO HO HO!

NO! SO MUCH BLOOD!

MOMMY KILLED SANTA.

DON'T WORRY, KIDS.

THAT'S NOT BLOOD. IT'S...
IT'S CHRISTMAS JUICE.