In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 1 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
A year later and Alf is still living under the same roof as - and bickering with - Mrs Hollingbery,particularly over her scrounging friend Michael. Alf really loses it when the alarm on a car parked outside his house goes off and decides to teach the driver a lesson,though of course it rebounds on him and his efforts to get revenge on the workmen digging a hole outside the house are equally as ineffectual.
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
It's coming.
It's coming...oof!
I've done it, I think.
You sure? I can't believe it.
You calling me a liar?
Have you done it properly?
You'd be surprised what I can do.
More than surprised.
I never met a man more useless.
Oh, yeah? That's what you say.
You wouldn't give me credit for nothing,
you wouldn't.
If I was able to walk on the moon,
not even if you saw it,
you wouldn't give credit!
You? Walk on the moon?!
I said if I was able!
Walk on the moon? Who'd you think
would let you walk on the moon?
No-one in their right mind
would let you walk on the moon!
What's so special about walking on
the moon I couldn't do it, eh?
I mean, I know I have got a bad leg.
Shouldn't have to do that much walking,
by rights.
But if I can walk about down here
with uneven paving stones
what the bloody council
won't do nothing about
and blooming great potholes in the road
you can break your neck falling over.
I don't see no reason why
I shouldn't be able to walk on the moon -
if I wanted to, which I don't!
You're not qualified.
- I don't need to be qualified!
- Yes, you do.
Not for walking, I don't!
Oh, will you shut up?!
I'm trying to unbung this bloody sink
which you blocked up,
you silly great fat pudding.
You would think, wouldn't you, eh?
You'd think with all their brains,
all their tech-ini-cological know-how,
that they'd be able to make a bloody sink
that don't get itself blocked up,
wouldn't you?
Where is that...?
Where is that bloody thing?!
- What thing?
- The thing. What do you call it?
- The steel!
- The steel! Where've you bloody put it?!
Sod it!
They spend millions
on getting to the moon! Oh, yes!
Won't spend a bloody penny
on making a proper sink! Oh, no!
Get out the bloody way!
I mean, they're so smart...
Oh, the bloody thing!
Why d'you have to hide things?!
If they're so smart,
instead of spending millions
so they can have a walk about on the moon,
why don't they make a train
that don't grind to a halt
the minute a bloody snowflake appears
or a bloody leaf falls
on the bloody track, eh?
They're so...!
Soddin' thing!
Now look what you made me do!
They're so clever, all your bloody
moon-walkers, why don't...?
Why don't they do something
about the water shortage, eh?
We've got miles and miles of bloody water,
as far as the eye can see,
bloody oceans all around us,
but you can't use your bloody hose,
you can't wash your car!
- You haven't got a car.
- You can't water the garden.
You ain't got a garden.
I ain't got a bloody hose pipe neither
but that's not the point, is it?
Where is the bloody thing?
The steel! Where's it gone?
Is that it?
You...!
You!
Get out of my way
and let me get on with my work.
Oh, dear. I shouldn't have to do
jobs like this. Not at my age.
Not with a hip like mine. But don't expect
no sympathy off of her.
You won't get a thank-you off of her even.
- It's your sink.
- It's our sink!
- But used more by you.
- Only cos I do all the washing-up!
Oh, yeah, I thought there'd be an excuse.
Wouldn't be you if there wasn't.
I told you to get a plumber.
- Get a plumber?
- Yeah.
How do you think we're going to pay
for a bloody plumber?!
They want 30 quid
just to get off their arse
and come out and look at the bloody job!
You've gotta raise a bank loan
before you can get a bleedin' plumber!
Tell the council. It's their house.
Tell the council?
Tell the council, my dear?
Oh yes, and what do you think the council
are going to say when they see this? Look.
Look. Little bits of toast, tea leaves...
Look at that, look!
- Eggshells, grease...
- Urgh!
Look, hair! Human hair!
Didn't come from me, did it?
- I bet you wish it did!
- Bloody 'ell.
Look at that! Look! Bloody eggshells!
You must've poked them down there
to get them down there.
It's a pity you wasn't a bit better
brought up.
Oh!
I don't know what it is
makes you the way you are.
You're so resentful.
So ready to pick holes in everything.
I may not be the cleverest man
in the world...
Oh, I agree with that.
- ...but I am what I am.
- Unfortunately.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, who's that knocking?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(REPEATED KNOCKING)
Are you gonna answer that door or not?!
Well, I don't suppose you are.
Bloody women!
Bloody Adam!
If he'd have pulled his finger out and do
a bit for himself in the Garden of Eden,
the good Lord
needn't ever have made women,
and he could've stayed the Garden of Eden!
It's Michael.
Bloody hell! What does he want?
Tell him I'm out.
You tell him.
Marvellous, eh?
Start to do a bloody job,
and people come knocking on your door
expecting to be entertained.
He can't sit in his own house, can he,
cos his missus won't let him,
so he comes creeping round here!
I don't want him round here
making a bloody nuisance of himself!
I'm too easy put-upon, that's my trouble.
People take advantage of me.
I mean, you show a bit of kindness,
show a bit of charity,
and next thing you know
they're bloody well demanding it!
Is he still standing there
on the doorstep?
No.
Good! Let him go and bugger off
and pester somebody else!
It's your fault! You always make him
cups of tea just cos he's bloody Irish!
I mean, I wouldn't mind
if he would chip in a bit sometimes!
I wouldn't accept it, of course, but,
I mean, he never even puts a penny
under the s...
Under the saucer...
(CLATTERING)
If Michael calls round, ask him in,
make him a cup of tea...
We're always pleased to see him.
What you need is a coat hanger, Alf.
- Michael? Is that you, Michael?
- Yeah.
I didn't know you was here!
I thought I'd come round
and give you a hand.
Oh, yeah?
How'd you know what I was doing?
Well, if you can't help a friend...
You know what I mean?
I can't help much, though.
Not with my back.
I'm not allowed to bend with it.
I can hand you things, though.
You can hand me that screwdriver,
for a start off.
I won't be able to stoop, though.
That's all right. Mrs Hollingbery
will do the stooping for you, won't you?
You see, Michael here is BWR -
British Workman Retired.
Ain't that right, Michael?
Always had a mate, the British workman,
didn't he?
See, you had your plumber's mate,
your carpenter's mate,
your boiler-maker's mate...
He had to have a mate. Couldn't do his job
properly unless he had a mate.
You see, his mate was his "hander" -
hand me this and hand me that!
Never let one man do a job
when two can do it instead!
Ain't that right? First rule
of British industry, right, Michael?
Bloody clever!
I still say what you need
is a coat hanger.
You'll never, ever
get a screwdriver round a U-bend.
It's a wire coat hanger you want.
I've already took the U-bend off, ain't I?
I need the screwdriver, mate,
so I can dig the bloody muck out
that she's put down the sink!
I'd get under there
and give you a hand myself,
only I'm not allowed to bend my back,
you see.
He should be finished,
the time he's spent under there.
He's been all morning
trying to unblock that sink.
The sink is already unblocked!
Oh, right! Well, get out my way
and let me get on.
You...! You...!
Do you want to stay for a bit of dinner,
Michael?
- (WHISPERS) No!
- Well...
It won't be much, but you're welcome.
Well...if it's not too much trouble.
No, no.
Don't your missus cook, then, Michael?
Not till tonight.
Have to eat another dinner,
then, will you?
Well, it's hard to manage a hot dinner
every day on the old-age pension.
Yeah, you're right.
Especially with an extra mouth to feed!
It's just the two of us, you see.
Oh, you mean you don't have guests
dropping in unexpected,
wanting to share your dinner?!
- No, the wife's not a social woman.
- You're lucky.
Oh, this is very nice.
Very unexpected.
Like I said, it's not much.
It's a struggle to get anything
these days.
Yeah, on a pension, I know.
I was just saying to Alf
it's getting harder.
It's just a bit of cold meat
and a bit of ham we was...
Saving for our supper!
Oh, I'm not doing you out of anything?
I mean, you won't have to go without?
No, no.
Do you expect me to eat this
with my fingers?
Oh!
Oh, er, sorry, Alf.
Here you are. Oh...here.
Is that all the butter we got?
Oh! Yeah, well, that's the last
till I go shopping.
Need some more sauce, too.
This is empty.
Ain't you got enough there on your plate?
Oh, no, I'm all right.
I was just thinking of you.
Don't worry about us, Michael,
you're our guest!
Almost family, you are.
I tell you what, I'll put a bed up in the
spare room, you can move in altogether.
Ah, now that would be a bit awkward, Alf.
I mean, that spare room, it's a bit poky,
you know.
Mind you, if you were to
move into that room...
No, I couldn't live here.
Not here, Alf, no.
Not without mischief entering my mind.
Not with the lovely
Mrs Hollingbery living upstairs.
I'd have to be up them apples and pears
like a steeplejack, back or no back!
Now, Michael!
Mind you, you shouldn't let
that spare room go to waste.
You could get a good rent for that.
I sort of prefer my privacy,
know what I mean, Michael?
I like to be able to sit and enjoy a bit
of privacy on my own, in my own home,
without other people
popping in and out all the time.
I know what you mean.
An Englishman's home is his castle.
It's not much, but it's your own.
Castle! More like the Elephant and Castle.
Somewhere you can sit
and just be yourself.
Just like your missus, eh,
be a bit antisocial,
so you can sit down on your own,
enjoy your meal in private,
without having to share it with every Tom,
Dick or Mick who comes knocking!
Anybody want that other bit of bread?
You want to leave a bit of room
for your pudding, don't you, Michael?
Oh, I've always got room for that!
Pudding, is there?
Oh...no. I'm sorry.
- Oh, I've got a bit of cake out there.
- That's for our tea.
Well, we could eat it now, I suppose.
It is a bit stale.
Stale? Everything in this house is stale!
Everything we eat is stale!
The bloody bread! Look at it! Stale!
Never mind, it has to be eaten.
- We can't afford to waste things.
- I know that!
We can't afford to throw things away
just because they're stale!
I know that!
But I mean, you save things that are new
and fresh until they are old and stale!
Well, I'm sorry, but we cannot afford
to eat the new until the old has gone!
Yeah, but that way, all we ever eat
is old and stale!
Can't we start again with new,
and try and keep up?
I like a bit of stale cake now and then.
You would!
(CAR ALARM)
Bloody hell!
That bloody car again!
That's three times this week!
He's always parking out there.
I put a notice out there -
"No Parking"! Can't he bloody read?!
- That's a car burglar alarm.
- I know what it is!
Somebody's trying to steal that car!
There's no-one out there.
No, it's a false alarm. You only gotta
breathe on them things, they go off!
Same down the High Street, the bloody
burglar alarms going off night and day,
nobody bothers to turn them off.
I've never seen a burglar down there.
Never seen a bloody copper
down there neither!
Now they're putting them on cars,
driving everybody mad!
Well, I'll stop his bloody row!
I'll put a stop to him!
Shame to waste it, eh?
(ALARM RINGS)
Oi, what's the matter?!
This bloody thing! Can't they read?!
Look. "No Parking", it says!
I don't think that cuts much ice,
Mr Garnett. This is a public highway.
I think you'll find it's only the police
can put signs up like that!
Oh, yeah?
There's a Citizen's Charter, mate!
I have got rights
under your Citizen's Charter!
Bloody annoying noise that thing makes,
though!
There should be a law against them.
That is disturbing the peace,
that's what that is.
That's right!
That's it, and as a citizen, under
my charter, I am entitled to protest.
I'll stop his bloody noise!
You can't stop it.
You can't get in the car. It's locked.
I'll give it locked! I'WL find something
to unlock it with, don't you worry!
Yeah, I'll find something.
Three?
Three and a bit?
I'll go and see what he's doing.
No parking, mate!
No bloody...!
No...bloody...parking!
- Just a minute! Just a minute!
- What?
I'm writing the maker's name down.
This is good, tough windscreen.
- Don't worry about bloody windscreens!
- (HISSING)
He won't park outside my house
again in a hurry!
I tell you!
(HISSING)
I'll have him!
He won't park here again in a hurry.
Mind you, he's going to be parked here
a bit longer than he expected.
I'll give him bloody burglar alarms!
I'll teach him! The bloody swine!
I'll give you burglar alarm! Swine!
(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)
Here comes the man.
- What man?
- The man whose car it is!
The man whose tyres he let down.
Ooh, he's a big rough-looking man.
Oh, he ain't half a big man!
He's turned his burglar alarm off.
Now he's getting in his car.
No... No, he's seen his tyres!
Oh, dear! He don't half look annoyed!
He looks as wild as you did
when you had that hammer!
He's talking to people out there.
He's talking to Mr Johnson.
He's pointing to this house.
Mr Johnson is pointing to this house.
He's telling him!
He's telling him you done it!
He's coming! He's coming this way!
Oh, he don't half look annoyed!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
That's him!
Aren't you going to let him in?
I shouldn't worry about it, Alf,
you're perfectly within your rights.
Shall I let him in?
MICHAEL: I'd go out there
if I were you, Alf.
You tell him straight!
He's lucky you never broke his windscreen!
He knows we're in here.
He's no right banging like that.
You go out there and tell him!
You face up to him!
You put a "No Parking" sign out there
which he refuses to read.
(VERY LOUD BANGING)
Knocks loud, don't he?
I wouldn't stand for that.
If that was my door, I'd be out there.
You tell him. Every time he parks there
in defiance of your "No Parking" notice,
you'll let his tyres down.
And if he doesn't like it,
he can face the consequences.
Oh, I'm going to let him in!
I'd tell him!
Never worry about his size, Alf.
You know what they say -
the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
There's a gentleman to see you,
Mr Garnett.
Michael...
Michael, tell him I'm not in.
He says he's not in!
Oh, really? Well, you tell him either
he comes out here, or I'll come in there.
Oh, Mr Garnett, look,
you'd better talk to the man.
Tell him. Tell him I'm warning him.
If he don't go away, I'll...
You'll what?
I-I-I'll call the police.
Come out here. I want to talk to you.
You don't frighten me, mate.
- Come out here.
- You come in here.
- You come out here!
- You come in here!
- You come out!
- You come in!
(SHOUTING)
POLICEMAN: What's going on?!
You see him? He was threatening me!
- He let my tyres down!
- Come on. Outside.
Go on, outside! Go on!
Go on, get out of this house!
- Get out of this house before I...!
- Oh, you...!
That's enough of that!
Come on, outside.
And you. Outside.
Come on. Get out.
Get off me!
Look. I mean, look at the state of my...
The sign says "No parking”. Look.
The sign says!
This is a public highway
and I've got a right to park here.
I pay road tax!
I've got rights now! I've got rights under
the Citizen's Charter, I've got rights!
It's not just for you, mate,
it's for all of us!
- Did you let his tyres down?
- ALL: Yeah.
You had no right to do that.
Look, the sign says...
No matter what the sign says,
you molested his vehicle.
But he's always parking out here
as if it was his own house!
- Never mind that.
- Never mind that?!
His burglar alarm was going,
driving everybody bloody mad!
He's molesting my peace,
he's molesting my peace and quiet here!
- Have you got a pump?
- Yes.
Well, get your pump and this gentleman
will pump your tyres back up again.
- Right!
- That's fair.
- Hear, hear.
- OK? Let the matter rest.
Shut up, you!
(MUTTERS)
Oh, give us it here.
Oh! Argh!
Would you gentlemen like a cup of tea?
- If it's not too much trouble.
- No trouble at all
A cup of tea! Swines!
(SPITS)
(PNEUMATIC DRILLING)
Are the workmen still out there?
Can't you bloody hear them?
Bloody row!
I'll go out there in a minute!
I'll tell them! It's not bloody fair!
If it's not bloody cars
with their burglar alarms,
it's workmen digging holes in the road!
They're mending the road.
Yeah, well, why they gotta do it
outside my house?
Cos that's where it's broken, I suppose.
Yeah, well...wouldn't be broken
if it wasn't for cars.
They're up and down this road
like bloody Brands Hatch, they are.
Well, that's what roads are for,
to be used.
But why do they have to use our road?
There's other roads.
- It's cos we're a short cut, that's why.
- Where are we a short cut to?
I don't know,
but we are a bloody short cut!
We should be a "No Entry",
that's what we should be.
None of them cars live down this road.
Three people, that's all I know's
got cars down this street.
- Up this end.
- That's what I'm talking about, this end.
Not down that end.
I'm not talking about down that end.
They nearly all got cars down that end.
- (DRILLING)
- Bloody yuppies!
It's them what's pushing the rents up!
These houses
was five bob a week rent once.
I could afford to own in them days.
Not now, though. Not these days.
They say it's us
who are lowering their land values.
Quite nasty, one of them was.
Said we was an eyesore.
Said the council ought to paint us up
or move us out.
Bloody youth!
They've been in the world ten minutes,
they think they own the place!
We was here before them! Anyway, if
it wasn't for us lowering the land values,
none of them would be able to afford
to buy their houses so cheap
in the first place!
It's them what's ruining
the housing market.
Oh, I dunno. Done them up nice.
I mean, quite posh, some of them.
Yeah, they're so posh none of us
can afford to live in them no more!
If your Winston wanted to rent
my spare room now, he couldn't afford it.
You thinking of renting that room again?
It has crossed my mind.
See, I reckon I could get more rent
for that one room in there
than we pay out for the whole house.
But you've got to be careful.
They talk about enterprise,
standing on your own two feet,
but you try and take advantage
of the situation,
and ba-boom! One whisper and the council
are down on you like a ton of bricks.
- (DRILLING RESUMES)
- Bloody noise!
It's a water pipe, I think.
Yeah. Last time it was the gas,
then it's the electric.
I mean, I pay my poll tax!
I'm entitled to noise-free days!
You're not the only one
who pays his poll tax.
- I never said I was.
- They've got to dig somewhere.
Bull. There's plenty down this road
ain't paid the poll tax!
Let them go and dig
outside their houses!
Some of them
can't afford to pay their poll tax.
I can't afford to pay my poll tax.
So what d'you want to do?
Lock them all up?
Or do something with them!
Cos they don't pay their poll tax,
we got to pay it for them, so it seems.
It's going to be added onto ours!
Next thing you know,
it'll be, "He can't pay his gas bill,
let next door pay it for him."
"She can't pay her milk bill,
let next door pay it for her!"
Bloody daft.
If they can't pay, turn it off!
You want to turn their poll tax off?
No, funny guts!
Stop 'em using the services! Lock 'em up!
Not in prisons.
No need to build new prisons for 'em.
Lock 'em up in their own houses.
Turn everything off.
Nail 'em in! Board 'em up!
If the house catches fire, sod 'em!
Let it burn.
And set fire to the rest of the street?
No, I feel sorry for them,
especially the young ones.
And it was your awful, rotten
Tory Party what brought the poll tax in.
I feel sorry for the youth of today. We
never had the awful problems they've got.
Problems? What problems?
Every time you turn that telly on,
if you go by that,
half of them is turning homosexual,
half is drug addicts,
and the other half is dying of AIDS.
Yeah, well, they pamper them too much,
if you ask me.
I'm not talking to you.
Oh, the workmen have gone, I think.
Have they? Well, I'll teach them a lesson.
I'll teach them to dig bloody holes
outside of my house.
What you gonna do,
let their tyres down?
Get out the way!
What's he doing? Has he gone mad?
He's been like it for years!
I warned them! I told them
not to dig outside of my house!
And now I'm teaching them a lesson!
Here come the workmen back.
Who's done this?
Thanks, guv. We're finished.
We just went to get a cup of tea
before we filled it in. Thanks very much!
(SHE LAUGHS)
(# CHAS AND DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
It's coming.
It's coming...oof!
I've done it, I think.
You sure? I can't believe it.
You calling me a liar?
Have you done it properly?
You'd be surprised what I can do.
More than surprised.
I never met a man more useless.
Oh, yeah? That's what you say.
You wouldn't give me credit for nothing,
you wouldn't.
If I was able to walk on the moon,
not even if you saw it,
you wouldn't give credit!
You? Walk on the moon?!
I said if I was able!
Walk on the moon? Who'd you think
would let you walk on the moon?
No-one in their right mind
would let you walk on the moon!
What's so special about walking on
the moon I couldn't do it, eh?
I mean, I know I have got a bad leg.
Shouldn't have to do that much walking,
by rights.
But if I can walk about down here
with uneven paving stones
what the bloody council
won't do nothing about
and blooming great potholes in the road
you can break your neck falling over.
I don't see no reason why
I shouldn't be able to walk on the moon -
if I wanted to, which I don't!
You're not qualified.
- I don't need to be qualified!
- Yes, you do.
Not for walking, I don't!
Oh, will you shut up?!
I'm trying to unbung this bloody sink
which you blocked up,
you silly great fat pudding.
You would think, wouldn't you, eh?
You'd think with all their brains,
all their tech-ini-cological know-how,
that they'd be able to make a bloody sink
that don't get itself blocked up,
wouldn't you?
Where is that...?
Where is that bloody thing?!
- What thing?
- The thing. What do you call it?
- The steel!
- The steel! Where've you bloody put it?!
Sod it!
They spend millions
on getting to the moon! Oh, yes!
Won't spend a bloody penny
on making a proper sink! Oh, no!
Get out the bloody way!
I mean, they're so smart...
Oh, the bloody thing!
Why d'you have to hide things?!
If they're so smart,
instead of spending millions
so they can have a walk about on the moon,
why don't they make a train
that don't grind to a halt
the minute a bloody snowflake appears
or a bloody leaf falls
on the bloody track, eh?
They're so...!
Soddin' thing!
Now look what you made me do!
They're so clever, all your bloody
moon-walkers, why don't...?
Why don't they do something
about the water shortage, eh?
We've got miles and miles of bloody water,
as far as the eye can see,
bloody oceans all around us,
but you can't use your bloody hose,
you can't wash your car!
- You haven't got a car.
- You can't water the garden.
You ain't got a garden.
I ain't got a bloody hose pipe neither
but that's not the point, is it?
Where is the bloody thing?
The steel! Where's it gone?
Is that it?
You...!
You!
Get out of my way
and let me get on with my work.
Oh, dear. I shouldn't have to do
jobs like this. Not at my age.
Not with a hip like mine. But don't expect
no sympathy off of her.
You won't get a thank-you off of her even.
- It's your sink.
- It's our sink!
- But used more by you.
- Only cos I do all the washing-up!
Oh, yeah, I thought there'd be an excuse.
Wouldn't be you if there wasn't.
I told you to get a plumber.
- Get a plumber?
- Yeah.
How do you think we're going to pay
for a bloody plumber?!
They want 30 quid
just to get off their arse
and come out and look at the bloody job!
You've gotta raise a bank loan
before you can get a bleedin' plumber!
Tell the council. It's their house.
Tell the council?
Tell the council, my dear?
Oh yes, and what do you think the council
are going to say when they see this? Look.
Look. Little bits of toast, tea leaves...
Look at that, look!
- Eggshells, grease...
- Urgh!
Look, hair! Human hair!
Didn't come from me, did it?
- I bet you wish it did!
- Bloody 'ell.
Look at that! Look! Bloody eggshells!
You must've poked them down there
to get them down there.
It's a pity you wasn't a bit better
brought up.
Oh!
I don't know what it is
makes you the way you are.
You're so resentful.
So ready to pick holes in everything.
I may not be the cleverest man
in the world...
Oh, I agree with that.
- ...but I am what I am.
- Unfortunately.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, who's that knocking?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(REPEATED KNOCKING)
Are you gonna answer that door or not?!
Well, I don't suppose you are.
Bloody women!
Bloody Adam!
If he'd have pulled his finger out and do
a bit for himself in the Garden of Eden,
the good Lord
needn't ever have made women,
and he could've stayed the Garden of Eden!
It's Michael.
Bloody hell! What does he want?
Tell him I'm out.
You tell him.
Marvellous, eh?
Start to do a bloody job,
and people come knocking on your door
expecting to be entertained.
He can't sit in his own house, can he,
cos his missus won't let him,
so he comes creeping round here!
I don't want him round here
making a bloody nuisance of himself!
I'm too easy put-upon, that's my trouble.
People take advantage of me.
I mean, you show a bit of kindness,
show a bit of charity,
and next thing you know
they're bloody well demanding it!
Is he still standing there
on the doorstep?
No.
Good! Let him go and bugger off
and pester somebody else!
It's your fault! You always make him
cups of tea just cos he's bloody Irish!
I mean, I wouldn't mind
if he would chip in a bit sometimes!
I wouldn't accept it, of course, but,
I mean, he never even puts a penny
under the s...
Under the saucer...
(CLATTERING)
If Michael calls round, ask him in,
make him a cup of tea...
We're always pleased to see him.
What you need is a coat hanger, Alf.
- Michael? Is that you, Michael?
- Yeah.
I didn't know you was here!
I thought I'd come round
and give you a hand.
Oh, yeah?
How'd you know what I was doing?
Well, if you can't help a friend...
You know what I mean?
I can't help much, though.
Not with my back.
I'm not allowed to bend with it.
I can hand you things, though.
You can hand me that screwdriver,
for a start off.
I won't be able to stoop, though.
That's all right. Mrs Hollingbery
will do the stooping for you, won't you?
You see, Michael here is BWR -
British Workman Retired.
Ain't that right, Michael?
Always had a mate, the British workman,
didn't he?
See, you had your plumber's mate,
your carpenter's mate,
your boiler-maker's mate...
He had to have a mate. Couldn't do his job
properly unless he had a mate.
You see, his mate was his "hander" -
hand me this and hand me that!
Never let one man do a job
when two can do it instead!
Ain't that right? First rule
of British industry, right, Michael?
Bloody clever!
I still say what you need
is a coat hanger.
You'll never, ever
get a screwdriver round a U-bend.
It's a wire coat hanger you want.
I've already took the U-bend off, ain't I?
I need the screwdriver, mate,
so I can dig the bloody muck out
that she's put down the sink!
I'd get under there
and give you a hand myself,
only I'm not allowed to bend my back,
you see.
He should be finished,
the time he's spent under there.
He's been all morning
trying to unblock that sink.
The sink is already unblocked!
Oh, right! Well, get out my way
and let me get on.
You...! You...!
Do you want to stay for a bit of dinner,
Michael?
- (WHISPERS) No!
- Well...
It won't be much, but you're welcome.
Well...if it's not too much trouble.
No, no.
Don't your missus cook, then, Michael?
Not till tonight.
Have to eat another dinner,
then, will you?
Well, it's hard to manage a hot dinner
every day on the old-age pension.
Yeah, you're right.
Especially with an extra mouth to feed!
It's just the two of us, you see.
Oh, you mean you don't have guests
dropping in unexpected,
wanting to share your dinner?!
- No, the wife's not a social woman.
- You're lucky.
Oh, this is very nice.
Very unexpected.
Like I said, it's not much.
It's a struggle to get anything
these days.
Yeah, on a pension, I know.
I was just saying to Alf
it's getting harder.
It's just a bit of cold meat
and a bit of ham we was...
Saving for our supper!
Oh, I'm not doing you out of anything?
I mean, you won't have to go without?
No, no.
Do you expect me to eat this
with my fingers?
Oh!
Oh, er, sorry, Alf.
Here you are. Oh...here.
Is that all the butter we got?
Oh! Yeah, well, that's the last
till I go shopping.
Need some more sauce, too.
This is empty.
Ain't you got enough there on your plate?
Oh, no, I'm all right.
I was just thinking of you.
Don't worry about us, Michael,
you're our guest!
Almost family, you are.
I tell you what, I'll put a bed up in the
spare room, you can move in altogether.
Ah, now that would be a bit awkward, Alf.
I mean, that spare room, it's a bit poky,
you know.
Mind you, if you were to
move into that room...
No, I couldn't live here.
Not here, Alf, no.
Not without mischief entering my mind.
Not with the lovely
Mrs Hollingbery living upstairs.
I'd have to be up them apples and pears
like a steeplejack, back or no back!
Now, Michael!
Mind you, you shouldn't let
that spare room go to waste.
You could get a good rent for that.
I sort of prefer my privacy,
know what I mean, Michael?
I like to be able to sit and enjoy a bit
of privacy on my own, in my own home,
without other people
popping in and out all the time.
I know what you mean.
An Englishman's home is his castle.
It's not much, but it's your own.
Castle! More like the Elephant and Castle.
Somewhere you can sit
and just be yourself.
Just like your missus, eh,
be a bit antisocial,
so you can sit down on your own,
enjoy your meal in private,
without having to share it with every Tom,
Dick or Mick who comes knocking!
Anybody want that other bit of bread?
You want to leave a bit of room
for your pudding, don't you, Michael?
Oh, I've always got room for that!
Pudding, is there?
Oh...no. I'm sorry.
- Oh, I've got a bit of cake out there.
- That's for our tea.
Well, we could eat it now, I suppose.
It is a bit stale.
Stale? Everything in this house is stale!
Everything we eat is stale!
The bloody bread! Look at it! Stale!
Never mind, it has to be eaten.
- We can't afford to waste things.
- I know that!
We can't afford to throw things away
just because they're stale!
I know that!
But I mean, you save things that are new
and fresh until they are old and stale!
Well, I'm sorry, but we cannot afford
to eat the new until the old has gone!
Yeah, but that way, all we ever eat
is old and stale!
Can't we start again with new,
and try and keep up?
I like a bit of stale cake now and then.
You would!
(CAR ALARM)
Bloody hell!
That bloody car again!
That's three times this week!
He's always parking out there.
I put a notice out there -
"No Parking"! Can't he bloody read?!
- That's a car burglar alarm.
- I know what it is!
Somebody's trying to steal that car!
There's no-one out there.
No, it's a false alarm. You only gotta
breathe on them things, they go off!
Same down the High Street, the bloody
burglar alarms going off night and day,
nobody bothers to turn them off.
I've never seen a burglar down there.
Never seen a bloody copper
down there neither!
Now they're putting them on cars,
driving everybody mad!
Well, I'll stop his bloody row!
I'll put a stop to him!
Shame to waste it, eh?
(ALARM RINGS)
Oi, what's the matter?!
This bloody thing! Can't they read?!
Look. "No Parking", it says!
I don't think that cuts much ice,
Mr Garnett. This is a public highway.
I think you'll find it's only the police
can put signs up like that!
Oh, yeah?
There's a Citizen's Charter, mate!
I have got rights
under your Citizen's Charter!
Bloody annoying noise that thing makes,
though!
There should be a law against them.
That is disturbing the peace,
that's what that is.
That's right!
That's it, and as a citizen, under
my charter, I am entitled to protest.
I'll stop his bloody noise!
You can't stop it.
You can't get in the car. It's locked.
I'll give it locked! I'WL find something
to unlock it with, don't you worry!
Yeah, I'll find something.
Three?
Three and a bit?
I'll go and see what he's doing.
No parking, mate!
No bloody...!
No...bloody...parking!
- Just a minute! Just a minute!
- What?
I'm writing the maker's name down.
This is good, tough windscreen.
- Don't worry about bloody windscreens!
- (HISSING)
He won't park outside my house
again in a hurry!
I tell you!
(HISSING)
I'll have him!
He won't park here again in a hurry.
Mind you, he's going to be parked here
a bit longer than he expected.
I'll give him bloody burglar alarms!
I'll teach him! The bloody swine!
I'll give you burglar alarm! Swine!
(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)
Here comes the man.
- What man?
- The man whose car it is!
The man whose tyres he let down.
Ooh, he's a big rough-looking man.
Oh, he ain't half a big man!
He's turned his burglar alarm off.
Now he's getting in his car.
No... No, he's seen his tyres!
Oh, dear! He don't half look annoyed!
He looks as wild as you did
when you had that hammer!
He's talking to people out there.
He's talking to Mr Johnson.
He's pointing to this house.
Mr Johnson is pointing to this house.
He's telling him!
He's telling him you done it!
He's coming! He's coming this way!
Oh, he don't half look annoyed!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
That's him!
Aren't you going to let him in?
I shouldn't worry about it, Alf,
you're perfectly within your rights.
Shall I let him in?
MICHAEL: I'd go out there
if I were you, Alf.
You tell him straight!
He's lucky you never broke his windscreen!
He knows we're in here.
He's no right banging like that.
You go out there and tell him!
You face up to him!
You put a "No Parking" sign out there
which he refuses to read.
(VERY LOUD BANGING)
Knocks loud, don't he?
I wouldn't stand for that.
If that was my door, I'd be out there.
You tell him. Every time he parks there
in defiance of your "No Parking" notice,
you'll let his tyres down.
And if he doesn't like it,
he can face the consequences.
Oh, I'm going to let him in!
I'd tell him!
Never worry about his size, Alf.
You know what they say -
the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
There's a gentleman to see you,
Mr Garnett.
Michael...
Michael, tell him I'm not in.
He says he's not in!
Oh, really? Well, you tell him either
he comes out here, or I'll come in there.
Oh, Mr Garnett, look,
you'd better talk to the man.
Tell him. Tell him I'm warning him.
If he don't go away, I'll...
You'll what?
I-I-I'll call the police.
Come out here. I want to talk to you.
You don't frighten me, mate.
- Come out here.
- You come in here.
- You come out here!
- You come in here!
- You come out!
- You come in!
(SHOUTING)
POLICEMAN: What's going on?!
You see him? He was threatening me!
- He let my tyres down!
- Come on. Outside.
Go on, outside! Go on!
Go on, get out of this house!
- Get out of this house before I...!
- Oh, you...!
That's enough of that!
Come on, outside.
And you. Outside.
Come on. Get out.
Get off me!
Look. I mean, look at the state of my...
The sign says "No parking”. Look.
The sign says!
This is a public highway
and I've got a right to park here.
I pay road tax!
I've got rights now! I've got rights under
the Citizen's Charter, I've got rights!
It's not just for you, mate,
it's for all of us!
- Did you let his tyres down?
- ALL: Yeah.
You had no right to do that.
Look, the sign says...
No matter what the sign says,
you molested his vehicle.
But he's always parking out here
as if it was his own house!
- Never mind that.
- Never mind that?!
His burglar alarm was going,
driving everybody bloody mad!
He's molesting my peace,
he's molesting my peace and quiet here!
- Have you got a pump?
- Yes.
Well, get your pump and this gentleman
will pump your tyres back up again.
- Right!
- That's fair.
- Hear, hear.
- OK? Let the matter rest.
Shut up, you!
(MUTTERS)
Oh, give us it here.
Oh! Argh!
Would you gentlemen like a cup of tea?
- If it's not too much trouble.
- No trouble at all
A cup of tea! Swines!
(SPITS)
(PNEUMATIC DRILLING)
Are the workmen still out there?
Can't you bloody hear them?
Bloody row!
I'll go out there in a minute!
I'll tell them! It's not bloody fair!
If it's not bloody cars
with their burglar alarms,
it's workmen digging holes in the road!
They're mending the road.
Yeah, well, why they gotta do it
outside my house?
Cos that's where it's broken, I suppose.
Yeah, well...wouldn't be broken
if it wasn't for cars.
They're up and down this road
like bloody Brands Hatch, they are.
Well, that's what roads are for,
to be used.
But why do they have to use our road?
There's other roads.
- It's cos we're a short cut, that's why.
- Where are we a short cut to?
I don't know,
but we are a bloody short cut!
We should be a "No Entry",
that's what we should be.
None of them cars live down this road.
Three people, that's all I know's
got cars down this street.
- Up this end.
- That's what I'm talking about, this end.
Not down that end.
I'm not talking about down that end.
They nearly all got cars down that end.
- (DRILLING)
- Bloody yuppies!
It's them what's pushing the rents up!
These houses
was five bob a week rent once.
I could afford to own in them days.
Not now, though. Not these days.
They say it's us
who are lowering their land values.
Quite nasty, one of them was.
Said we was an eyesore.
Said the council ought to paint us up
or move us out.
Bloody youth!
They've been in the world ten minutes,
they think they own the place!
We was here before them! Anyway, if
it wasn't for us lowering the land values,
none of them would be able to afford
to buy their houses so cheap
in the first place!
It's them what's ruining
the housing market.
Oh, I dunno. Done them up nice.
I mean, quite posh, some of them.
Yeah, they're so posh none of us
can afford to live in them no more!
If your Winston wanted to rent
my spare room now, he couldn't afford it.
You thinking of renting that room again?
It has crossed my mind.
See, I reckon I could get more rent
for that one room in there
than we pay out for the whole house.
But you've got to be careful.
They talk about enterprise,
standing on your own two feet,
but you try and take advantage
of the situation,
and ba-boom! One whisper and the council
are down on you like a ton of bricks.
- (DRILLING RESUMES)
- Bloody noise!
It's a water pipe, I think.
Yeah. Last time it was the gas,
then it's the electric.
I mean, I pay my poll tax!
I'm entitled to noise-free days!
You're not the only one
who pays his poll tax.
- I never said I was.
- They've got to dig somewhere.
Bull. There's plenty down this road
ain't paid the poll tax!
Let them go and dig
outside their houses!
Some of them
can't afford to pay their poll tax.
I can't afford to pay my poll tax.
So what d'you want to do?
Lock them all up?
Or do something with them!
Cos they don't pay their poll tax,
we got to pay it for them, so it seems.
It's going to be added onto ours!
Next thing you know,
it'll be, "He can't pay his gas bill,
let next door pay it for him."
"She can't pay her milk bill,
let next door pay it for her!"
Bloody daft.
If they can't pay, turn it off!
You want to turn their poll tax off?
No, funny guts!
Stop 'em using the services! Lock 'em up!
Not in prisons.
No need to build new prisons for 'em.
Lock 'em up in their own houses.
Turn everything off.
Nail 'em in! Board 'em up!
If the house catches fire, sod 'em!
Let it burn.
And set fire to the rest of the street?
No, I feel sorry for them,
especially the young ones.
And it was your awful, rotten
Tory Party what brought the poll tax in.
I feel sorry for the youth of today. We
never had the awful problems they've got.
Problems? What problems?
Every time you turn that telly on,
if you go by that,
half of them is turning homosexual,
half is drug addicts,
and the other half is dying of AIDS.
Yeah, well, they pamper them too much,
if you ask me.
I'm not talking to you.
Oh, the workmen have gone, I think.
Have they? Well, I'll teach them a lesson.
I'll teach them to dig bloody holes
outside of my house.
What you gonna do,
let their tyres down?
Get out the way!
What's he doing? Has he gone mad?
He's been like it for years!
I warned them! I told them
not to dig outside of my house!
And now I'm teaching them a lesson!
Here come the workmen back.
Who's done this?
Thanks, guv. We're finished.
We just went to get a cup of tea
before we filled it in. Thanks very much!
(SHE LAUGHS)
(# CHAS AND DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #