In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 11 - Christmas Special - full transcript

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Excuse me, Father,
I don't have to say, "Obey"?

No, no, no, we don't have that now,
not in this ceremony.

-So I won't have to say, "Obey"?
-No.

She will.

-I won't.
-You will.

I won't!

If you're marrying me, my dear,
you will obey

and you will say, "I obey"!

I'd rather not marry you.

-Oh, yes, you will!
-Oh, no, I won't!



ALL: Oh, yes, you will!

BOTH: Oh, no, she won't!

And you can have
your cheap jewellery back!

Come on!

Bloody women!

I bought her a new dress,
new hat, new shoes,

and I paid for the car
to take her up to church,

just for her to stand there and say no!

Never mind!

Yeah, look at the bright side, eh?

I've got a good mind
to go up there and... And...

And...

I'm having that dress back off of her!

Yeah, and the shoes.



I'm taking this upstairs.

And these!

Leave some for us.

You can cut your own!

I can see who wears the trousers
in your family.

Mr Garnett at least stood up
to Mrs Hollingbery.

Didn't get him far, though, did it?

I told her! I said,
"Either you say 'obey'", I said, "or..."

I paid for this.

Get out of it!

I don't want your rotten cake!

You can stick your bloody cake!

I thought I'd call round to see...

(MUMBLING)

I'll call some other day.
Yes, good day to you.

Shut up!

Cow! She'll rue this day, you'll see!

Here, Alf, I should stay out of her way
for a while. Here, cop that.

Wait till things have died down a bit.

Yeah, I shouldn't
provoke her, Mr Garnett.

Get out of it!

What are you... Get off!

What's the matter with you?
You've gone bloody mad.

And I'm keeping the hat!

You didn't want the hat, did you?

"I obey"! Cor, dear me!
Did you get her goat with that!

You've had a lucky escape, Alf,
if you ask me.

If you'd got married to her,
you'd have been right under her thumb,

just like that.

You'd have been the one
who was doing the obeying.

You'd have been the one
who's right under the cosh,

right under the cosh!

-Come on!
-Eh?

We're going.

-But I haven't finished me...
-Now!

I..promised her.

Have to go to her sister's.

Eh, macho man!

Fred!

-Oh, hello, dear, yeah.
-I'm going.

Yeah, good, okay.
Well, see you later then.

-What?
-Ithink you've had enough.

Yeah, all right.
Well, I shall just have one more.

You can stay if you like,
but I'm bolting the door.

See, I've got to keep in with her.
She's threatening to divorce me.

Well, it's the house, isn't it?
If she goes, she wants half.

I'll kill her first.

Don't let it get you down, Alf.

Why should I let it get me down?
I'm the one who's had a lucky escape.

I'm the one let off the hook, ain't I?

Look, you want to look
on the bright side, Mr Garnett.

I mean, take the fish what's been
thrown back in.

Now, he don't swim round all dejected

just 'cause the angler
don't fancy him, does he?

I mean, he's happy to be
back in the water.

Must make you feel a right bloody fool,
though, eh, Alf?

# There was I, waiting at the church

# waiting at the church

# waiting at the... #

They, uh, put on a nice spread for you
there, didn't they?

Huh.

Don't suppose it'll all get eaten now.

(STUTTERING) I shouldn't think so,
would you, now...

Shame to waste it, innit?

Do you, uh... Do you mind if I take a...
On the way home...

Thanks.

I suppose you'll be giving back all
the wedding presents, Mr G, won't you?

Eh?

Well, all them knives and forks what
we bought for you and Mrs Hollingbery.

Course he will. He'll take them back.

He won't want to see us out of pocket
over his wedding.

I'm out of pocket over it, Arthur!

-Hey, Alf.
-What?

-Football on the telly.
-Oh, hang up.

Who's playing? Who's that?

Bloody Liverpool, innit?

Always bloody Liverpool, innit?

(BANGING ON CEILING)

I can bang, too!

I can bang!

Go on, bang! Bang, bang!
I'm ignoring you!

-Do you hear me?
-Good night, Alf. Good night.

I'm ignoring you!

I can bang!

I can bang, missus!

I've had bad thoughts
and I've told lies.

And for these and all my other sins,
which I cannot now remember,

I humbly ask penance and absolution.

That isn't all, Mrs Hollingbery.
A few sins you haven't mentioned.

You haven't forgotten, I trust,
your behaviour in this church

on the day of your abortive
marriage service.

-I'm sorry, Father.
-And sorry you may well be.

But the church is not a place
for your squabbles, Mrs Hollingbery.

I didn't want to say, "I obey"
to that pig.

I beg your pardon?

That man.

I heard the first remark!

Is it such a terrible promise
to make to a man

you're prepared to join yourself to
in holy matrimony?

The promise to obey was always
in the marriage service,

until it was liberalised from it.

A mistake, I believe.

You showed no concern at all
for the feelings

of that poor man you promised to marry.

And the violence and the fury
of your attack on him

when I called round to your home...

It was you who threw the cake?

I'm sorry, Father.

Hmm, far too much hooliganism
in this parish as it is.

I hope you're not joining
that disreputable band.

I'm sorry, Father.

Is that all you have to say?
"Sorry, Father"?

It's inexcusable.

In a church, during a holy sacrament.

Mmm.

You must make your own peace
with the Lord.

Say 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys.
That's all the penance I will give you.

I'll leave it to your own conscience,
your own sense of wrong,

the gravity of your sin, to decide
what other penance you should make.

I absolve thee from thy sins
in the name of

the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

-Go in peace.
-Thank you, Father.

-And also from me.
-Yes, Father.

A sinner.

Look, marriage is a contract.

And all that "I obey" business,

that's all been put in the small print
nowadays, hasn't it, eh?

Keeps them happier that way.

Yeah, well, perhaps I was
a bit hard on her.

If you want my opinion, Mr Garnett,

the person you was most hard on
was your good self,

'cause you've done yourself out of
a cheap housekeeper, ain't ya?

And where are you going to find
another one like her at your age?

A woman to can cook and clean
for somebody like you for nothing?

They don't grow on trees, you know.

Exactly. I mean, what have you got
to offer her

in exchange for all that drudgery what
she'd be letting herself in for, eh?

I mean, be fair.
Look at yourself. No of fence.

But you're more ready for a nurse
than a wife.

Here, can't you get into
an infirmary, Mr Garnett?

I should think you'd qualify.

Sod off!

The trouble is, Alf,
you're not like most husbands.

I mean, you ain't got no money.

And most husbands bring money home
to their wives. Right, Arthur?

No.

If I could take money home,
I wouldn't go home there any more.

Listen, what can you do
for Mrs Hollingbery

in return for what you'll be expecting
her to do for you?

See, you ain't got no dowry, have ya?

Companionship, that's what
I'm offering her. Companionship.

Companionship?
Is that what you think marriage is?

I'd rather keep a pet tarantula.

-All right, yeah.
-Oh.

Heads up, trouble's here.

-She's not talking to you.
-Oh!

I'd better go see what they want.

I don't want to give mine any more cause
for divorce than she's already got.

Here, anybody got a paper and pencil?

Here you are, hold on.

Hold on, I've got a pencil.

-Cheers.
-Right.

-What you going to do?
-Right.

Here, that's a bit strong, isn't it?
A bit strong!

Go on, give her that.
Go on, give her that!

Ah, you're like proud children.

Well, she started it.

Oh.

You find that funny, do you?

Here, well, laugh this off.

-You liked that, did you?
-Yeah!

Well, see how you like this.

Don't you dare!

I'm warning you!
Do you hear me? Woman? I...

Merry Christmas, Father.

(ALL CHEERING HER ON)

Thank you very much, Mr Garnett.

You're welcome, my dear!

(LAUGHS)

Good health!

I think that's enough now,
Mrs Hollingbery.

You've made your peace with the Lord.

Now, go on home,
and make your peace with Mr Garnett.

Yes, Father.

-Does this mean me?
-You can read, can't you?

I'm not talking to you.

-What are you doing?
-You said you wasn't talking to me!

I'm looking to see
who you are talking to.

-Hello!
-Oh, shut up, barmy.

Oh, Gordon Bennett. Oh, dear...

oh!

Don't look so shocked.
I'm not doing this for you.

-No?
-No.

It's part of my penance.

Look, I ain't had nothing
to eat all day.

-I ain't half hungry.
-So?

Cook me something.
That'll be a better penance.

I'm not doing this for you!
I'm not talking to you!

I'm not doing anything for you!

I'm not asking you to do it for me.
I'm asking you to do it for yourself.

Oh, and how will cooking your dinner
benefit me?

'Cause that'd be a bigger penance
for you, wouldn't it, eh?

I mean, standing over a hot stove
cooking me a marvellous meat pudding

with all the trimmings, I mean,

that's harder than washing up
a few dishes, innit, eh?

It's harder than saying a few prayers,

and there'll be more dirty dishes
for you to wash up, won't it?

And pots and pans...

I am not doing anything more for you
ever again!

I promised myself that!

Well, break that promise to yourself.

Treat yourself badly.
Be hard on yourself.

That's the way to do penance.

That's the way to please the Lord.

Punish yourself.
Put on sackcloth and ashes.

Be hard on yourself.

The angels will be heard
singing hallelujah at the thought of it.

"Look at that Mrs Hollingbery,"
they'll be saying.

"Oh.

"She ain't half scourging herself.

"She ain't half doing hard penance,
that poor woman."

Think what our Lord went through
to save us miserable sinners.

Have we got any flour?

There, don't you feel better
now you've done all that penance?

-Yes, I do.
-Yeah.

Feel the burden of your guilt
lifting a bit now, do you?

Yes, because doing anything for you
is hateful.

And I've hated every moment,
cooking that meat pudding.

And I hope it chokes you.

What?

I'm not talking to you.

Still talking to yourself,
though, I see.

What's that for?

For thinking what I'm thinking
about you, God forgive me.

Never mind, you can always
do some more penance.

You can get up nice and early
tomorrow morning

and cook me a nice, big breakfast.

Ain't you lucky you've got me here
helping you with your penance, eh?

What's for afters?

-Afters?
-Mmm.

You're not getting any afters!

Well, that's not very penitent, is it?

Well, you're silly to yourself.

I mean, go through all that penance
making me a marvellous meat pudding

and then you spoil it all
by not making me any afters.

-Ihate you!
-No, you don't mean that.

I do. I hate you.

Of course you don't.

You love me.

-Love you?
-Mmm.

-What, you?
-Yes!

I'll tell you for why.

Because you're a Christian
and a good Catholic.

And the Commandments state
that thou shalt love thy neighbour.

And I am thy neighbour.

And because thou lovest thy neighbour,

thou hast cookest thy neighbour
a lovely meat pudding.

And don't think thy neighbour
ain't grateful, because he is.

Thou hast not made thy neighbour
no afters, but

thou canst make amends
by cooking thy neighbour

a nice breakfast tomorrow morning.

And for his dinner
thy neighbour would like

roast beef, baked potatoes
and Yorkshire pudding,

and for his afters,

thy neighbour would like rhubarb pie
and custard.

Oh, yeah.

And while thy neighbour is doing
all this for you,

what are you going to be doing
for thy neighbour?

Well, I wasn't going to tell you this,

but thy neighbour was gonna buy you
the most marvellous Christmas present,

if thou hadn't turned bloody bolshie
and refused to say, "I obey"!

I ..

Thy neighbour was planning the most
marvellous surprise for thy honeymoon.

My honeymoon?

Well, all right, our honeymoon,
if you like.

I wouldn't take it now,
even if you offered it.

I'm not offering it.

I shouldn't think it was anything much,
knowing you.

It was going to be for Christmas,
was it?

Well, that period, yeah.

I don't believe you.

Please yourself.
I've got to cancel it, anyway.

Why?

Because you wouldn't say, "I obey"!

I can't give you a honeymoon present
if we're not married, can I?

You said it was going to be
for Christmas.

It was a honeymoon present
you would have got at Christmas.

Blimey, it was the best
honeymoon present you've ever had.

It was a honeymoon present
any woman would dream of.

Now...

Alas.

Hello, Grand Imperial hotel?

Yeah, uh, Mr Garnett here.

That's right, yeah, I'm the one
who booked the royal bridal suite

with a view over the sea.

Yeah, I booked it for
the whole of Christmas and New Year.

Yeah, and I booked it for
all the Christmas dinner dances,

and all the New Year's dinner dances
and all that champagne, yeah.

No, it was booked in the name of
Mr Garnett and Mrs Hollingbery.

Well, it would have been
Mr and Mrs Garnett,

(CHUCKLES) only she wouldn't say,
"I obey."

Can you believe that?

No, she wouldn't say it.
Wouldn't say, "I obey."

So cancel it, will ya?

Yeah, cancel all the boat rides,
and cancel all the coach trips...

What?

If they've got separate rooms...

No, no, no, no, no, it's all right.
No, cancel it. Cancel everything.

Yes. She wouldn't say, "I obey"!
Can you believe that?

No, cancel it. Yeah, it was the best
Christmas holiday anybody's ever had.

I mean, it's a better Christmas holiday
than you could win on a game show.

No, cancel it! Cancel everything!

(PHONE HANGING UP)

Now look what you've done.

You've ruined our Christmas.

-Mr Garnett!
-What?

Breakfast!

Mmm.

There you are.

Just like a hotel, innit?

Menu.

I know what I'm eating.

Well, you can read about it, can't you?

What's that?

-Grapefruit.
-Grapefruit?

Oh, you don't have to eat it
if you don't want to.

Nice hotel, wasn't they?

Iwas wondering...

(SLURPING)

It would be a shame to spoil
our Christmas, wouldn't it?

What I was wondering was...

I was wondering if we could still go
to that hotel for Christmas this time,

but as an engaged couple.

Eh?

Well, they wouldn't mind, would they?

I mean, we could have separate rooms.

How could we go as an engaged couple?
You cancelled the wedding.

-You threw the ring in my face!
-Not the engagement ring.

You threw the wedding ring!

Yeah, but I didn't break off
the engagement.

No, that's still going on.

What are you talking about?

Look, if you cancel the wedding...

It needn't affect the engagement.

No, we can still go on with that.

I mean, we can still be engaged
if we want to.

We can have a wonderful Christmas and
New Year in the Grand Imperial hotel.

I mean, we never celebrated
our engagement,

and this would be a good time
to do that, anyway.

Yeah, well, you can't cancel the wedding
and then celebrate your engagement.

Why not?

Because if you say to someone
you're not going to marry them,

and throw the ring in their face,

and leave them standing at the altar
like a bloody lemon,

well, people assume that you're
no longer engaged to them as well.

Well, we can always break off
the engagement after Christmas.

Well, I don't know,
I'll have to think about this.

I mean, I don't want
to compromise myself.

I mean, I..
I am man that's been jilted.

So legally, I'm in the clear, but...

You say we might still be engaged.

Oh, yes, that was never broken off.

Yeah, well, so legally, I...
I could be up for breach of promise.

Only if you was to jilt me.

Well, you was the one
who wouldn't marry me.

Yes, but I never broke off
the engagement.

Are you asking for your ring back?

I never bought that.
You bought that for yourself.

Yes, but you put it on my finger.

Yeah, because I thought
we was getting married!

Well, we still can.

You're mad!

Don't forget to phone that hotel
about Christmas.

Where am I going to get money
for bleeding hotels?

Well, you had it yesterday.

See? She's mad. She's bloody potty.

He has got the money.

It's in that post office book of his.

Oh, he's so secretive.

He thinks everybody's spying on him.

Well, no harm in having a look.

"Private.

"What are you doing reading this,
you nosy bugger?"

ALF: Come on, key.

Oh, it's him! Oh, it's him!

Oh! Oh! Oh, here... Ooh!

ALF: You're the wrong bloody key,
ain't ya?

Oh! Oh.

What are you doing?

Nothing, nothing. I was... Nothing.

You've been poking about
in my box, ain't ya?

Box? What box?

No!

You've been up my chimney, ain't ya, eh?

I'm not talking to you.

No, it's all right, then. Don't have to
give me all them black looks.

# Mammy! My little Mammy!

# I'd walk a million miles for... #

Oh, cor!

# One of your smiles

# Mammy! #

Oh, you're mad.

You want putting away.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, Father.

Oh, are you in the middle
of doing something?

Yeah, sweeping a few chimneys, Father.

I haven't been anywhere near
your chimney!

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
He makes me lose my temper.

What have I said?

He keeps insinuating
that I've been up his chimney.

I'm not insinuating nothing!

I mean, I've known Mrs Hollingbery
a long time, you know.

-She's an honest woman.
-Yeah.

A bit nosy, perhaps, but...

You know, if she says she ain't been
up my chimney, well, I believe her.

I mean, you know, I take...
I take her word for it, but...

I see.

And you persist in this,
Mrs Hollingbery?

-In what?
-In your denial.

I haven't been anywhere near
his chimney, Father, honest!

Mmm. You know to lie is a sin?

And to lie to your parish priest
is an even bigger sin.

Oh, I wouldn't lie to you, Father.

Perhaps you've been up your own chimney.

Writing a few notes
for Father Christmas, eh?

I haven't been up any chimneys!

Think, Mrs Hollingbery, think.
There is a witness.

Not I, not Mr Garnett.

God.

He's everywhere, Mrs Hollingbery.

We have no private moments
from the Lord.

He's witness to all our actions.
He can see deep into our hearts.

And knowing this, you still say you
haven't been up Mr Garnett's chimney?

No, I haven't!

Oh, God!

(SOBBING)

I'm sorry, Father! Please forgive me!
Please!

Well, that can be arranged, eh, Father?

With a bit more penance.
(SMACKING HIS LIPS)

You've committed a grievous sin!

You've stood there and uttered barefaced
lies to your parish priest.

What kind of a Christian are you?

Oh, a bad one, Father! A bad one!
A wicked one, I know!

But before you tot all my sins up,

there is one more,
if you can wait a minute.

I don't know what came over her.

If I'm going to be hung for a lamb,
I might as well be hung for a sheep.

There.

That's the flour that was
for your Yorkshire.

And there's your egg.

And there's your afters, rhubarb.

And that was going to be a pie.

And here's your custard.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

I feel a lot better now, Father.

Bless... Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It has been 24 hours since
my last confession

I've been doing terrible things.

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down at the DHSS

# And they've been holding on to
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I buy a song

# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poor and that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #