In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript
As Alf's day as a juror approaches he sounds off in the pub about his views on justice,inevitably inviting opposing comments from Mr Carey,who believes that the system is corrupt and imprisons the innocent and Fred,who,once more frightens him with tales of retribution from aggrieved villains. By the time he takes his place in the jury box - his trousers wrongly ironed by Mrs Hollingbery - Alf has a plan to preserve his anonymity,a false beard.
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
What day is it?
"What day is it?"
What do you mean, "What day is it?"
Wednesday.
- I know what today is!
- Well, what did you ask for?
I mean, what day is it
that you do your jury work?
- Next week.
- What day?
Wednesday.
- Next Wednesday?
- Today week!
Today ls Wednesday, then?
Are you sure? Give us this.
I just told you, ain't I?!
Give us that!
Now look what you've bloody well done!
I thought it was Thursday.
Well, if it is, this paper's a day early.
I've got news here
that ain't even happened yet!
I thought you said you knew
what day it was.
I do! I do!
I thought yesterday was Wednesday.
Not until tomorrow, my dear.
And I did all that rushing about
yesterday,
cos I thought it was early closing.
Well, now you can do it all again today,
cos today ls early closing!
No, I've got all I want now.
But it is annoying.
Cos if I'd known yesterday...
I'd known yesterday was Tuesday,
I could have gone to the church bazaar,
cos I was really looking forward to that.
You couldn't have been looking forward
to it that much,
else you'd have remembered to go to it!
I did remember to go to it.
Not on Tuesday, you didn't.
Oh, yes, I did, but there was
nobody there, it wasn't open.
So what did you do Monday?
Comes after Sunday(!)
I know where Monday comes!
I just can't seem
to remember having one this week.
Well, not a proper Monday,
cos I thought Tuesday was Monday,
see, that's why I went
to the church bazaar.
And there was nobody there.
Well, of course not, silly.
It was the wrong day!
- So you've lost a day.
- No, I've gained one.
I thought yesterday was Wednesday
and today was Thursday,
but it's not - today is Wednesday,
so it's Thursday again tomorrow.
So I get two Thursdays in this week.
And no Monday!
Oh, yes, but I don't mind missing Monday.
I've never been keen on Mondays.
And I can always do
with an extra Thursday,
see, it's a much better day for me,
cos I always know more where I am
on a Thursday.
And with an extra Thursday, it gives me
more time to press your suit.
Eh?
Well, Thursday is my ironing day, see,
and I didn't think
I'd get through all this today,
but now I've got tomorrow as well.
Look, when they get around
to brain transplants,
you put in for one, right?
Cos you are entitled!
Look, there's only so many days in a year,
right?
- If you say so.
- It's not a matter of what 7 say is so,
it's facts, innit?
And they're all numbered
and put into months and weeks, right?
Well, that's not new.
No, it's not new - it's been
going on for a long time, my dear.
- Yeah, as long as I can remember.
- Which is not saying very much,
but never mind.
You can't lose one of them days!
But I didn't say I'd lost one - you said
I'd lost one! I said I'd gained one!
You can't gain one, neither!
There's only so many days!
And they're all numbered, like I said.
Look, do you know how many days
there are in a year?
- Seven.
- Seven?!
You silly great puddin'! There's...
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday and Sunday -
- that's seven!
- Wrong!
Can you think of any others?
There's 365!
No, no, no!
That's just the same old seven, you know,
repeated all over again every week.
Cos nobody else could think
of any more, either, I suppose.
It's just as well, cos it'd be
a funny week if there was any more.
Not half as funny
as the week you've been having.
Yes. And besides,
seven days in a week is enough for anyone.
Except an extra Thursday in this week
will come in handy for pressing your suit.
Except I ought to wait,
and press it next week
if you want to be really smart
for the jury.
Look, it's criminals I'll be sitting
in judgment on,
and you think I've got to dress up
and look smart for them?!
It won't just be criminals, will it?
The judge will be there. And the lawyers.
You want to look smart
for the judge, don't you?
I'm not going to tea with him!
It's not a social visit!
Besides, I'll be sitting in the jury box.
It only shows head and shoulders.
Clean collar, that's all I need.
Do you know who the criminals are yet?
Course I don't. They don't tell you that.
Could be a bunch of cut-throats
and murderers, for all I know.
And I've got to sit there in full view!
Just head and shoulders, you said.
Yeah, but that's enough for them, innit?
That's the bit they ought 707 to show.
I mean, show 'em your bottom half, yeah,
let 'em know you're there,
but the face should be hidden
at all times.
They should either blindfold the prisoner
or hide the jury.
The judge has got to sit there, too,
and he'll be in full view.
And the prosecuting counsel.
They're in disguise, my dear!
They're wearing wigs and gowns,
ain't they?
You wouldn't recognise 'em if you saw them
outside in the street.
Well, can't you wear a wig?
And shave off your moustache?
Besides, it's their job, innit?
And they'll be earning a bloody sight more
out of it than I will, too!
I mean, is it fair?
I mean, they go to work in a car,
don't they?
With a police escort.
Even the prisoner
gets driven there in a police van!
I've got to go on a bus
and come back on a bloody bus!
Well, they pay your fare.
I've got a bus pass! I don't need them
to pay my fare, do I?
- You get expenses.
- Expenses?! Expenses?!
£7.10 for...for ten hours or over?
That's under a pound an hour!
Well under, that is.
Blimey, they're the ones
who need a trade union if anybody does -
the poor bloody jury!
Worse than a sweatshop, that is.
And no talk about danger money,
oh, no!
There's your judges and your barristers,
all the legal eagles,
they're coining it, they are!
Living in their mansions, driving
around in bloody great Rolls-Royces!
The poor bloody jury's got to risk
life and limb for a pittance!
I mean, it's supposed to be a court
of justice - where's the justice in that?
Answer me that! I mean,
bloody legal profession ought
to get on their hands and knees
if they've got any sense of justice at all
and give thanks to the Lord
who's given them all them villains!
They make a bloody sight more out of crime
than your poor bloody criminal does.
I mean, it's no wonder
they give 'em all light sentences.
They don't want your criminal sitting
in prison, twiddling his thumbs. No!
They want 'em out on the streets, working.
No wonder they're against
capital punishment.
It stands to reason, doesn't it?
They don't want all their best clients
topped, do they? No.
Get a nice, juicy murder trial going,
they're laughing, ain't they?
Eh? Oh, dear, oh, Lord.
They can buy themselves another house
in the South of France!
That's why the police are so keen
to fit people up -
cos they're in on it, too. They get
a commission off the lawyers, don't they?
I'm not sticking my neck out
in that bloody courtroom,
not for what they're paying me.
The jury has to work just as hard
as all the rest of them.
Puts in the same hours.
Got to sit there, sift the evidence,
weigh up your pros and cons,
give the verdict.
And we should be on the same whack
as all the others.
Well, fair's fair.
I mean, I could be sitting there
giving out my guilty verdicts,
and then all their mates could be round
here bashing the door down after me.
We don't want any of that!
I mean, Mr Johnson says
he knows a juryman -
once he got both his legs broken
by the villains,
and that was before the case even started!
Well, thank God
we've still got that wheelchair.
The trouble with your courts, Mr Garnett,
is they let too many people off.
Yeah, well, I mean,
if you're not guilty...
No, shouldn't matter.
It's up to the police to secure a
conviction by every means in their power.
What, even fit someone up?
Yeah, if they have to. I mean, it's better
if they've got the guilty person,
but if they haven't,
they shouldn't let it bother 'em.
- What, convict an innocent man?!
- If they have to.
I mean, the whole purpose
of your criminal code
is to deter people from committing crime.
And the only way to do that is to put
the fear of punishment up people
for breaking the law.
Let them know
that if a crime has been committed,
someone is going to be punished.
It doesn't matter whether it's the person
who's done that particular crime or not -
that's immaterial.
I mean, hanging an innocent person
is as good a deterrent
as hanging a guilty one.
And that is what I say,
why there should be capital punishment -
because if a murder has been done,
it's better to hang the wrong person
than to hang nobody.
Yeah... Yes, true.
I mean... But the people
that they arrest and imprison - or hang -
I mean, they should be
from the criminal classes, though?
Wherever possible, I would say.
You mean there should be
a section of society
they can draw on for that sort of thing?
Yeah. Now, there's a good idea!
Like your louts, your football hooligans.
- Your animals, your good-for-nothings.
- Yeah, all that sort.
Their names should be taken
and put on a list.
And when a crime is committed, you go to
that list, and one of them gets punished.
But it's supposed to be fair,
though, justice, innit?
Justice and law and order
are two different things, Arthur.
There is nowhere where it says
that law and order has to be fair.
Listen, if your citizen goes
out of his way to be law-abiding,
makes every effort to keep his nose clean,
he's got every chance in the world
of steering clear of the law.
But if, on the other hand, he ain't
too fussed about being law-abiding,
then he's got an equal chance
of having his collar felt.
And it don't matter whether he's done
this particular crime or not -
that should be purely academic.
The whole point is,
we need a criminal and we've got one.
We need someone to punish
and we have found him!
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah, I mean, there ls a criminal class,
Arthur. You can see 'em all round you.
I don't know about that...
I mean, there's people
you wouldn't trust, Arthur.
Well, most, Alf. Yeah.
There's not a lot of people I would trust.
- There is a criminal type.
- Course there is.
You can see 'em. You can look around and
say, "There you are. There goes one.
“There's another.” You shouldn't wait
for 'em to do anything.
No. There you are,
that slows down the criminal process.
There was a time when the police
would arrest 'em on suspicion.
They'd see one lurking in the doorway -
"Right, inside! Three months for sus!"
- Why did they stop that?
- Bloody liberals!
Trying to be fair to the criminal! Why be
fair to a criminal?! He ain't fair to us!
That's all very well, but the police
are supposed to serve the public,
not judge 'em.
I mean, the public pay their wages.
I mean, if you employ somebody
to work for you,
you don't expect that person
to turn round and start bullying you
- and telling you what to do, do you?
- The bloody trade unions do, mate.
No, they don't.
They are there to protect their members
against the employers.
Get off out of it! First thing the union
leader does, soon as he takes office,
is to raid the union funds,
buy himself a bloody big house
and a bloody big car to go with it!
I mean,
when did you ever see
a poor union leader, eh?
When did you ever see a union leader
that didn't earn more
than the members he's supposed
to be representing?
I thought we were talking
about the police.
No, we're talking
about bloody criminals, mate!
Oh, so you are saying
that the union leaders are criminals?
I am saying that all the union leaders
ought to be on that list
what Mr Johnson is talking about.
People to be watched.
People not to be trusted
because they are a dodgy bunch.
Because if they're not watched, Arthur,
they'll rob and exploit their members
worse than the bloody employers will!
I've seen 'em!
They start on a soapbox
and finish up in the House of Lords!
Look at that bloke you had,
the leader of your bloody union -
he done better out of it
than the bloody capitalists
he was supposed to be up against!
And don't tell me
he didn't have his hand in a few tills,
including his own union's till. Cor
blimey! Money don't grow on trees, Arthur.
So where did all his wealth come from, eh?
Answer me that. Eh?
Every barrel's got its rotten apples...
Yeah, they're all on the top
in a union barrel, that's the trouble!
There are two groups of people
in this world -
those who do
and those who it's done fo. What you've
got to try and do is join the first group.
And you're trying to make
the police join the first group.
They're the ones that do it,
and we're the ones they do it to.
- No.
- You are saying
that you employ the police
to get a criminal.
If they can't get a criminal,
one of us will do.
Not one of us, Arthur!
If you're law-abiding,
you're gonna be all right.
- I mean, do the police bother you?
- No!
If you're respectable, you're all right.
I mean, they've got their funny ways.
The police stopped that young coloured boy
coming out of your house.
Yeah, well, they was just bein' watchful,
that's all
I mean...
he was coming out of my house, Arthur,
you know, and...
carrying a bag.
He wasn't doing anything wrong.
No, but he might have been,
that's their point.
They don't stop Mrs Hollingbery or you
coming out of your house carrying a bag.
- No, well, we live there, don't we?!
- Well, he lived there then!
No, but I mean...he looked suspicious,
didn't he?
- They all do.
- Who?
The blackies.
Well, he was black, wasn't he?
That's nothing against Winston, you know,
he was all right, he was a good lad.
Very honest in his way, but I mean...
it counts against 'em round here.
Well, that's prejudice, ain't it?
No, it's not prejudice!
I gave him a room in my house, didn't I?
But...you have got to be...cautious.
You've still got to be watchful.
I mean, I'll walk past a dog, all right.
Most of them are tame enough,
but you still tread with caution,
don't you, cos they...dogs do bite?
Well, that's all right, then, innit?
You'll be on the jury next week - you'll
be able to put some of them away for us,
- won't you?
- I will, I will, I'LL put them all away,
don't you worry!
But only the criminals,
the ones I'm convinced is criminals.
But...see...
the jury shouldn't have to sit there in
full view of everybody, that's my point.
They should be able
to look at the prisoner
through a peephole in the cell door.
I mean, study 'em, be fair,
then, I mean, you know,
give 'em a good looking over,
listen to what the police has got to say,
why they nicked him,
why they think he should go inside,
pass sentence.
But there's no need for the jury
to sit there where they can be seen.
It's not fair to 'em.
Oi, I've been listening
to you lot talking.
Before you start slagging off
the criminal classes...
- I wasn't.
- Motormouth here was!
Look, all I said was...
I heard what you said!
I heard what you said!
And you want to mind
your Ps and Qs a bit.
Listen, we're not all criminals
round 'ere,
but a lot of us have got relations
who are.
You could cause of fence.
You want to show some respect
for people's feelings.
Look, I've got two cousins on Dartmoor.
And when I come in here for a quiet drink,
I don't want to listen to you
blackening their names!
That's right.
Couple of lovely lads, they are.
- Boys you can be proud of.
-Tam.
The eldest, he started a riot
a few weeks ago.
I've seen him on the telly.
Here, wasn't he looking well?
Been out on the roof, hadn't he?
Standing up for prisoners' rights,
that's what he was doing.
Sort of shop steward, he is now.
You see, what you don't realise,
Mr Garnett,
is boys like them two lads of Mr Carey's,
they provide a service for the poor,
nicking things and selling 'em cheap.
Look, if it wasn't for them,
I wouldn't have my brand-new
Japanese telly and video tape machine.
Some wouldn't even have food.
The criminal classes
you was slagging off just now
do more of a service for the poor
and needy than the DSS do.
- Rubbish!
- Risk life and limb,
liberty and freedom, them lads do.
Robin Hood and his Merry Men
robbing the rich...
And flogging it off cheap to the poor.
I always say
there wouldn't be any criminals
if there wasn't any market
for your stolen goods.
That's right. That is right, Arthur.
It's people like Mr Garnett and Fred here
what encourage them lads to steal.
I don't buy stolen goods!
You would if it was offered.
The trouble with our old-age pension is
you can't even afford
to buy cheap stolen goods.
Yeah. And you don't want to talk,
Mr Johnson. I mean,
you wouldn't have that nice new suit
and them six brand-new shirts
if it wasn't for our local heroes.
Oi! Is that one of them shirts
you've got on there now?
That suit had to be taken in.
- Not much! It was nearly a good fit.
- But I gave him the measurements!
They got no time
to go looking for measurements!
Marvellous, you can't please no-one!
That suit would have cost you
three times as much
if you'd bought it in the shop
what they nicked it out off.
Receiving?!
He could go down, too, if he's caught.
- Have you never received, Mr Garnett?
- Not ever.
- Get off!
- I haven't! As He is my witness!
Uh-uh. Careful. You've had
stolen goods off me, Mr Garnett.
- Lies!
- When you was blackmailing...
Blackmail?! My two lads wouldn't do that.
That's a filthy crime!
Filthy? It's despicable!
When you was
blackmailing me over that lady
- at 47 Carlisle Street, remember?
-Eh?
Yes! He was cleaning windows
and he poked his nose through a window
he shouldn't have been looking through!
I didn't know them goods was stolen!
You don't think I paid for them, do you?
Anyway, it don't make no difference now,
cos I've give her the elbow,
so you won't be receiving any more.
It really upsets me...the way he goes on
about people you know,
love and respect, decent people,
friends and neighbours.
There's no loyalty round 'ere any more.
Course there ain't.
Not like it was in the old days.
The police used to have to walk
the streets in threes in the old days.
- That's right.
- And only on the main streets.
Not even the bravest would venture down
the backstreets.
And anyone caught grassing! Ho-ho-ho!
They soon learned them a lesson!
And blackmail?!
The prisons today are full
of innocent people.
Innocent?!
Yes! Because they're prejudiced against
as soon as they are born.
Well, that depends who they are.
- Course it don't!
- Of course it bloody well does!
Listen, all they have to be
is poor or working class.
It's a lot better now than it used to be.
Oh, yes.
And that's because of your blacks.
They've relieved the problem a bit,
God bless 'em.
But if they was to go back home,
it'd be back on us - the people.
We'd be getting the cosh again, eh?
You'd only have to step outside
your front door and bang!
"Oi, what have you got in that bag?"
That's quite right. I'm not
for your blackies in the normal way,
but I must admit, things have got
fairer for us since they arrived.
- Of course.
- Know what I mean?
Something's amiss - there's one of 'em
there - they look at 'im first.
- They grab them for preference.
- I'm not complaining.
It's nice to have someone
lower down the scale. It's better for us.
- It takes the pressure off.
- It gives you breathing space.
Not if there's too many of 'em, it don't!
It stops the Old Bill
getting on our backs.
Before they arrived, it was always us.
Prison was empty,
it was us they filled it with.
You'd come out of work,
have your collar felt and you'd be inside.
Not if you're honest! That's my point.
That's what I'm saying.
Not if you're honest, Mr Garnett?
What about poor old Ginger Noakes?
Honest as the day is long!
He was nabbed. They found him guilty.
Put him inside for nine months.
He was guilty!
Only according to them.
Only on their evidence.
- He reckoned he was fitted up.
- Course he was.
- He reckoned they had it in for him.
- Course they did.
I mean, why did they stop him
coming out the docks?
- They was watching him!
- That's it, innit? Why?
Why was they watching an innocent man?
Innocent man?!
Gor blimey, when they stopped his car,
the boot was full of stuff!
That may be, but an innocent man
stopped and searched, why?
He was suspected! They was watching him.
He was under surveillance.
But why? That's what Harry's saying.
Here's an innocent man,
honest as the day is long,
not a blemish on his character,
and they stop and search him.
And the boot of his car
was full of stolen goods!
But they never knew that
when they stopped him!
When they stopped him he was innocent,
without a stain against him.
He wasn't a criminal.
They stopped him because the front wheels
of his car was off the ground
with the weight
of the stuff that was in the bloody boot!
He couldn't drive the car,
it was so overloaded.
He had four sides of beef in there,
two sides of bacon,
- sacks of sugar, whisky, gin...
- You had whisky off him.
Well, I thought that was come by honest.
A quid a bottle?!
ARTHUR: All his customers
knew it was stolen.
- MR CAREY: I think it's a crime.
- Course it is.
No, I mean stopping innocent people,
honest, hard-working men,
with not a stain on their character.
Innocent men being treated like criminals!
Look, the police was on the gate
stopping and searching people
cos they knew that stuff was being nicked!
My brother-in-law was nobbled
by the bloody dock police.
He used to fill his water container
for the windscreen washers,
he used to fill it every day
with a bottle of scotch, bottle of gin.
Had a little bar in his front room.
Always full, it was. Had many a party.
Went on for years, he did. Then suddenly
one day, he's coming out the dock gates,
and it starts raining.
So, of course, without thinking,
he turns his wipers on -
100% proof rum all over his windscreen!
Not funny! Not funny, is it?
And that's not stealing, I suppose?
- Perks, Alf, in lieu of wages.
- Get off!
One of my cousins, the eldest boy,
he almost became a policeman.
Broke his mother's heart
when he told her what he wanted to be.
"Your father will turn in his grave,”
she said,
"if you become a policeman. You'll bring
disgrace on the whole family."
I tried to console her, you know,
as you do.
I said, "Don't worry.
If he does become a policeman,
"it'll be a bent one.
So that's not too bad, is it?"
Alf here's on jury service.
Oops! That won't make him
too popular, will it?
They don't like him much
round here, anyway.
In the docks in the old days,
he'd never nick anything.
Wouldn't turn his head whilst we did.
- I was a foreman!
- You was untrustworthy!
That's what you was.
Nasty type. Sort of man
I don't like to be seen with.
Yeah. Well, you want to watch how you vote
on that jury, Mr Garnett,
especially if they're local lads.
Know what I mean?
Yes, have a bit more of the community
spirit, Mr Garnett, just for a change.
Think of your neighbours
and their relatives.
And tell those other jurors of yours
them young lads in the docks are nearly
always innocent, and wrongfully arrested,
and the ones that want to convict them
are liars!
FRED: Ticklish business that, sitting
on a jury. Don't think I'd fancy it.
ARTHUR: Yeah. You don't want them sort
bearing a grudge against you.
(SHOUTS) Mrs Hollingbery!
Gordon Bennett! How long do you take
to press a pair of bloody trousers?
Mrs Hollingbery!
What do you want?
I want my trousers! I'm freezing to death!
I gotta go out, ain't I?
There you are.
It's the last time I'm pressing those.
When did you have them cleaned last?
I don't send things to the cleaners -
they ruin 'em -
knock all the stuffing out of 'em!
"Stuffing"?! There's years of dirt
ingrained in those!
They might manage to get some of that out,
but I doubt it. They stink!
- Oh, yeah?
- I've had to open all the windows.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've been wearing these for years
and nobody's complained before!
Nobody's ever put a hot iron
on 'em before! The steam was revolting.
Phew!
You ain't half gonna get some funny looks
in the court today.
You're bloody right I am!
Look at 'em!
Look! You've put the creases in
the wrong way round!
You silly great fat puddin*!
And you're a stinker!
A smelly-pants stinker!
You what?
They'll probably disqualify you
from sitting on the jury
not because your creases
are in the wrong place - the pong!
The prisoner won't say,
"I object to that juror
“because the creases in his trousers
are the wrong way round,”
but he will say, "I object to that juror
because of the pong, Your Honour!"
"Clear the court,” the judge'll say,
"and fumigate that juror!"
You! Come 'ere!
Come 'ere!
Reunion, is it? Home Guard(?)
Left, right, left, right!
Left, right. Steady, the Buffs!
What's that smell...?
Seems to be following us around.
It was on the bus.
I got a couple of niffs of it
walking along.
No. Thought perhaps I'd trod in something.
'Ere, you ain't trod in anything,
have you?
No!
She's made a good job of those,
has Mrs Hollingbery,
if she'd pressed them the right way round.
Made me look a bloody clown, she has!
You only need a red nose!
Hello! Hello! Hello!
- I say! I say!
- That's not funny, Arthur!
Oh, God. Here, look at this.
Here's one of your villains.
- I wonder what they've got on 'im?
- Nasty looking sod, ain't he?
- I wouldn't like to fall out with him.
- Vicious-looking swine.
Ought to lock 'em up
and throw away the key, people like that.
Ah, good morning, Superintendent.
I don't like these places, Alf.
They make you feel so small
and vulnerable, don't they?
I wouldn't like to sit on a jury
and have to send someone to prison.
It's too bloody risky, innit?
I wouldn't like a bloody villain
having a grudge against me.
You won't hold me in no bloody prison!
I'm gonna get out!
And I'm gonna get the judge
and the jury -
I'm gonna kill 'em all - the jury!
There's no prisons built that can hold me!
I'm gonna kill the jury!
Silence in court.
The court will rise.
The court may be seated.
(# Bridal March)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
What day is it?
"What day is it?"
What do you mean, "What day is it?"
Wednesday.
- I know what today is!
- Well, what did you ask for?
I mean, what day is it
that you do your jury work?
- Next week.
- What day?
Wednesday.
- Next Wednesday?
- Today week!
Today ls Wednesday, then?
Are you sure? Give us this.
I just told you, ain't I?!
Give us that!
Now look what you've bloody well done!
I thought it was Thursday.
Well, if it is, this paper's a day early.
I've got news here
that ain't even happened yet!
I thought you said you knew
what day it was.
I do! I do!
I thought yesterday was Wednesday.
Not until tomorrow, my dear.
And I did all that rushing about
yesterday,
cos I thought it was early closing.
Well, now you can do it all again today,
cos today ls early closing!
No, I've got all I want now.
But it is annoying.
Cos if I'd known yesterday...
I'd known yesterday was Tuesday,
I could have gone to the church bazaar,
cos I was really looking forward to that.
You couldn't have been looking forward
to it that much,
else you'd have remembered to go to it!
I did remember to go to it.
Not on Tuesday, you didn't.
Oh, yes, I did, but there was
nobody there, it wasn't open.
So what did you do Monday?
Comes after Sunday(!)
I know where Monday comes!
I just can't seem
to remember having one this week.
Well, not a proper Monday,
cos I thought Tuesday was Monday,
see, that's why I went
to the church bazaar.
And there was nobody there.
Well, of course not, silly.
It was the wrong day!
- So you've lost a day.
- No, I've gained one.
I thought yesterday was Wednesday
and today was Thursday,
but it's not - today is Wednesday,
so it's Thursday again tomorrow.
So I get two Thursdays in this week.
And no Monday!
Oh, yes, but I don't mind missing Monday.
I've never been keen on Mondays.
And I can always do
with an extra Thursday,
see, it's a much better day for me,
cos I always know more where I am
on a Thursday.
And with an extra Thursday, it gives me
more time to press your suit.
Eh?
Well, Thursday is my ironing day, see,
and I didn't think
I'd get through all this today,
but now I've got tomorrow as well.
Look, when they get around
to brain transplants,
you put in for one, right?
Cos you are entitled!
Look, there's only so many days in a year,
right?
- If you say so.
- It's not a matter of what 7 say is so,
it's facts, innit?
And they're all numbered
and put into months and weeks, right?
Well, that's not new.
No, it's not new - it's been
going on for a long time, my dear.
- Yeah, as long as I can remember.
- Which is not saying very much,
but never mind.
You can't lose one of them days!
But I didn't say I'd lost one - you said
I'd lost one! I said I'd gained one!
You can't gain one, neither!
There's only so many days!
And they're all numbered, like I said.
Look, do you know how many days
there are in a year?
- Seven.
- Seven?!
You silly great puddin'! There's...
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday and Sunday -
- that's seven!
- Wrong!
Can you think of any others?
There's 365!
No, no, no!
That's just the same old seven, you know,
repeated all over again every week.
Cos nobody else could think
of any more, either, I suppose.
It's just as well, cos it'd be
a funny week if there was any more.
Not half as funny
as the week you've been having.
Yes. And besides,
seven days in a week is enough for anyone.
Except an extra Thursday in this week
will come in handy for pressing your suit.
Except I ought to wait,
and press it next week
if you want to be really smart
for the jury.
Look, it's criminals I'll be sitting
in judgment on,
and you think I've got to dress up
and look smart for them?!
It won't just be criminals, will it?
The judge will be there. And the lawyers.
You want to look smart
for the judge, don't you?
I'm not going to tea with him!
It's not a social visit!
Besides, I'll be sitting in the jury box.
It only shows head and shoulders.
Clean collar, that's all I need.
Do you know who the criminals are yet?
Course I don't. They don't tell you that.
Could be a bunch of cut-throats
and murderers, for all I know.
And I've got to sit there in full view!
Just head and shoulders, you said.
Yeah, but that's enough for them, innit?
That's the bit they ought 707 to show.
I mean, show 'em your bottom half, yeah,
let 'em know you're there,
but the face should be hidden
at all times.
They should either blindfold the prisoner
or hide the jury.
The judge has got to sit there, too,
and he'll be in full view.
And the prosecuting counsel.
They're in disguise, my dear!
They're wearing wigs and gowns,
ain't they?
You wouldn't recognise 'em if you saw them
outside in the street.
Well, can't you wear a wig?
And shave off your moustache?
Besides, it's their job, innit?
And they'll be earning a bloody sight more
out of it than I will, too!
I mean, is it fair?
I mean, they go to work in a car,
don't they?
With a police escort.
Even the prisoner
gets driven there in a police van!
I've got to go on a bus
and come back on a bloody bus!
Well, they pay your fare.
I've got a bus pass! I don't need them
to pay my fare, do I?
- You get expenses.
- Expenses?! Expenses?!
£7.10 for...for ten hours or over?
That's under a pound an hour!
Well under, that is.
Blimey, they're the ones
who need a trade union if anybody does -
the poor bloody jury!
Worse than a sweatshop, that is.
And no talk about danger money,
oh, no!
There's your judges and your barristers,
all the legal eagles,
they're coining it, they are!
Living in their mansions, driving
around in bloody great Rolls-Royces!
The poor bloody jury's got to risk
life and limb for a pittance!
I mean, it's supposed to be a court
of justice - where's the justice in that?
Answer me that! I mean,
bloody legal profession ought
to get on their hands and knees
if they've got any sense of justice at all
and give thanks to the Lord
who's given them all them villains!
They make a bloody sight more out of crime
than your poor bloody criminal does.
I mean, it's no wonder
they give 'em all light sentences.
They don't want your criminal sitting
in prison, twiddling his thumbs. No!
They want 'em out on the streets, working.
No wonder they're against
capital punishment.
It stands to reason, doesn't it?
They don't want all their best clients
topped, do they? No.
Get a nice, juicy murder trial going,
they're laughing, ain't they?
Eh? Oh, dear, oh, Lord.
They can buy themselves another house
in the South of France!
That's why the police are so keen
to fit people up -
cos they're in on it, too. They get
a commission off the lawyers, don't they?
I'm not sticking my neck out
in that bloody courtroom,
not for what they're paying me.
The jury has to work just as hard
as all the rest of them.
Puts in the same hours.
Got to sit there, sift the evidence,
weigh up your pros and cons,
give the verdict.
And we should be on the same whack
as all the others.
Well, fair's fair.
I mean, I could be sitting there
giving out my guilty verdicts,
and then all their mates could be round
here bashing the door down after me.
We don't want any of that!
I mean, Mr Johnson says
he knows a juryman -
once he got both his legs broken
by the villains,
and that was before the case even started!
Well, thank God
we've still got that wheelchair.
The trouble with your courts, Mr Garnett,
is they let too many people off.
Yeah, well, I mean,
if you're not guilty...
No, shouldn't matter.
It's up to the police to secure a
conviction by every means in their power.
What, even fit someone up?
Yeah, if they have to. I mean, it's better
if they've got the guilty person,
but if they haven't,
they shouldn't let it bother 'em.
- What, convict an innocent man?!
- If they have to.
I mean, the whole purpose
of your criminal code
is to deter people from committing crime.
And the only way to do that is to put
the fear of punishment up people
for breaking the law.
Let them know
that if a crime has been committed,
someone is going to be punished.
It doesn't matter whether it's the person
who's done that particular crime or not -
that's immaterial.
I mean, hanging an innocent person
is as good a deterrent
as hanging a guilty one.
And that is what I say,
why there should be capital punishment -
because if a murder has been done,
it's better to hang the wrong person
than to hang nobody.
Yeah... Yes, true.
I mean... But the people
that they arrest and imprison - or hang -
I mean, they should be
from the criminal classes, though?
Wherever possible, I would say.
You mean there should be
a section of society
they can draw on for that sort of thing?
Yeah. Now, there's a good idea!
Like your louts, your football hooligans.
- Your animals, your good-for-nothings.
- Yeah, all that sort.
Their names should be taken
and put on a list.
And when a crime is committed, you go to
that list, and one of them gets punished.
But it's supposed to be fair,
though, justice, innit?
Justice and law and order
are two different things, Arthur.
There is nowhere where it says
that law and order has to be fair.
Listen, if your citizen goes
out of his way to be law-abiding,
makes every effort to keep his nose clean,
he's got every chance in the world
of steering clear of the law.
But if, on the other hand, he ain't
too fussed about being law-abiding,
then he's got an equal chance
of having his collar felt.
And it don't matter whether he's done
this particular crime or not -
that should be purely academic.
The whole point is,
we need a criminal and we've got one.
We need someone to punish
and we have found him!
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah, I mean, there ls a criminal class,
Arthur. You can see 'em all round you.
I don't know about that...
I mean, there's people
you wouldn't trust, Arthur.
Well, most, Alf. Yeah.
There's not a lot of people I would trust.
- There is a criminal type.
- Course there is.
You can see 'em. You can look around and
say, "There you are. There goes one.
“There's another.” You shouldn't wait
for 'em to do anything.
No. There you are,
that slows down the criminal process.
There was a time when the police
would arrest 'em on suspicion.
They'd see one lurking in the doorway -
"Right, inside! Three months for sus!"
- Why did they stop that?
- Bloody liberals!
Trying to be fair to the criminal! Why be
fair to a criminal?! He ain't fair to us!
That's all very well, but the police
are supposed to serve the public,
not judge 'em.
I mean, the public pay their wages.
I mean, if you employ somebody
to work for you,
you don't expect that person
to turn round and start bullying you
- and telling you what to do, do you?
- The bloody trade unions do, mate.
No, they don't.
They are there to protect their members
against the employers.
Get off out of it! First thing the union
leader does, soon as he takes office,
is to raid the union funds,
buy himself a bloody big house
and a bloody big car to go with it!
I mean,
when did you ever see
a poor union leader, eh?
When did you ever see a union leader
that didn't earn more
than the members he's supposed
to be representing?
I thought we were talking
about the police.
No, we're talking
about bloody criminals, mate!
Oh, so you are saying
that the union leaders are criminals?
I am saying that all the union leaders
ought to be on that list
what Mr Johnson is talking about.
People to be watched.
People not to be trusted
because they are a dodgy bunch.
Because if they're not watched, Arthur,
they'll rob and exploit their members
worse than the bloody employers will!
I've seen 'em!
They start on a soapbox
and finish up in the House of Lords!
Look at that bloke you had,
the leader of your bloody union -
he done better out of it
than the bloody capitalists
he was supposed to be up against!
And don't tell me
he didn't have his hand in a few tills,
including his own union's till. Cor
blimey! Money don't grow on trees, Arthur.
So where did all his wealth come from, eh?
Answer me that. Eh?
Every barrel's got its rotten apples...
Yeah, they're all on the top
in a union barrel, that's the trouble!
There are two groups of people
in this world -
those who do
and those who it's done fo. What you've
got to try and do is join the first group.
And you're trying to make
the police join the first group.
They're the ones that do it,
and we're the ones they do it to.
- No.
- You are saying
that you employ the police
to get a criminal.
If they can't get a criminal,
one of us will do.
Not one of us, Arthur!
If you're law-abiding,
you're gonna be all right.
- I mean, do the police bother you?
- No!
If you're respectable, you're all right.
I mean, they've got their funny ways.
The police stopped that young coloured boy
coming out of your house.
Yeah, well, they was just bein' watchful,
that's all
I mean...
he was coming out of my house, Arthur,
you know, and...
carrying a bag.
He wasn't doing anything wrong.
No, but he might have been,
that's their point.
They don't stop Mrs Hollingbery or you
coming out of your house carrying a bag.
- No, well, we live there, don't we?!
- Well, he lived there then!
No, but I mean...he looked suspicious,
didn't he?
- They all do.
- Who?
The blackies.
Well, he was black, wasn't he?
That's nothing against Winston, you know,
he was all right, he was a good lad.
Very honest in his way, but I mean...
it counts against 'em round here.
Well, that's prejudice, ain't it?
No, it's not prejudice!
I gave him a room in my house, didn't I?
But...you have got to be...cautious.
You've still got to be watchful.
I mean, I'll walk past a dog, all right.
Most of them are tame enough,
but you still tread with caution,
don't you, cos they...dogs do bite?
Well, that's all right, then, innit?
You'll be on the jury next week - you'll
be able to put some of them away for us,
- won't you?
- I will, I will, I'LL put them all away,
don't you worry!
But only the criminals,
the ones I'm convinced is criminals.
But...see...
the jury shouldn't have to sit there in
full view of everybody, that's my point.
They should be able
to look at the prisoner
through a peephole in the cell door.
I mean, study 'em, be fair,
then, I mean, you know,
give 'em a good looking over,
listen to what the police has got to say,
why they nicked him,
why they think he should go inside,
pass sentence.
But there's no need for the jury
to sit there where they can be seen.
It's not fair to 'em.
Oi, I've been listening
to you lot talking.
Before you start slagging off
the criminal classes...
- I wasn't.
- Motormouth here was!
Look, all I said was...
I heard what you said!
I heard what you said!
And you want to mind
your Ps and Qs a bit.
Listen, we're not all criminals
round 'ere,
but a lot of us have got relations
who are.
You could cause of fence.
You want to show some respect
for people's feelings.
Look, I've got two cousins on Dartmoor.
And when I come in here for a quiet drink,
I don't want to listen to you
blackening their names!
That's right.
Couple of lovely lads, they are.
- Boys you can be proud of.
-Tam.
The eldest, he started a riot
a few weeks ago.
I've seen him on the telly.
Here, wasn't he looking well?
Been out on the roof, hadn't he?
Standing up for prisoners' rights,
that's what he was doing.
Sort of shop steward, he is now.
You see, what you don't realise,
Mr Garnett,
is boys like them two lads of Mr Carey's,
they provide a service for the poor,
nicking things and selling 'em cheap.
Look, if it wasn't for them,
I wouldn't have my brand-new
Japanese telly and video tape machine.
Some wouldn't even have food.
The criminal classes
you was slagging off just now
do more of a service for the poor
and needy than the DSS do.
- Rubbish!
- Risk life and limb,
liberty and freedom, them lads do.
Robin Hood and his Merry Men
robbing the rich...
And flogging it off cheap to the poor.
I always say
there wouldn't be any criminals
if there wasn't any market
for your stolen goods.
That's right. That is right, Arthur.
It's people like Mr Garnett and Fred here
what encourage them lads to steal.
I don't buy stolen goods!
You would if it was offered.
The trouble with our old-age pension is
you can't even afford
to buy cheap stolen goods.
Yeah. And you don't want to talk,
Mr Johnson. I mean,
you wouldn't have that nice new suit
and them six brand-new shirts
if it wasn't for our local heroes.
Oi! Is that one of them shirts
you've got on there now?
That suit had to be taken in.
- Not much! It was nearly a good fit.
- But I gave him the measurements!
They got no time
to go looking for measurements!
Marvellous, you can't please no-one!
That suit would have cost you
three times as much
if you'd bought it in the shop
what they nicked it out off.
Receiving?!
He could go down, too, if he's caught.
- Have you never received, Mr Garnett?
- Not ever.
- Get off!
- I haven't! As He is my witness!
Uh-uh. Careful. You've had
stolen goods off me, Mr Garnett.
- Lies!
- When you was blackmailing...
Blackmail?! My two lads wouldn't do that.
That's a filthy crime!
Filthy? It's despicable!
When you was
blackmailing me over that lady
- at 47 Carlisle Street, remember?
-Eh?
Yes! He was cleaning windows
and he poked his nose through a window
he shouldn't have been looking through!
I didn't know them goods was stolen!
You don't think I paid for them, do you?
Anyway, it don't make no difference now,
cos I've give her the elbow,
so you won't be receiving any more.
It really upsets me...the way he goes on
about people you know,
love and respect, decent people,
friends and neighbours.
There's no loyalty round 'ere any more.
Course there ain't.
Not like it was in the old days.
The police used to have to walk
the streets in threes in the old days.
- That's right.
- And only on the main streets.
Not even the bravest would venture down
the backstreets.
And anyone caught grassing! Ho-ho-ho!
They soon learned them a lesson!
And blackmail?!
The prisons today are full
of innocent people.
Innocent?!
Yes! Because they're prejudiced against
as soon as they are born.
Well, that depends who they are.
- Course it don't!
- Of course it bloody well does!
Listen, all they have to be
is poor or working class.
It's a lot better now than it used to be.
Oh, yes.
And that's because of your blacks.
They've relieved the problem a bit,
God bless 'em.
But if they was to go back home,
it'd be back on us - the people.
We'd be getting the cosh again, eh?
You'd only have to step outside
your front door and bang!
"Oi, what have you got in that bag?"
That's quite right. I'm not
for your blackies in the normal way,
but I must admit, things have got
fairer for us since they arrived.
- Of course.
- Know what I mean?
Something's amiss - there's one of 'em
there - they look at 'im first.
- They grab them for preference.
- I'm not complaining.
It's nice to have someone
lower down the scale. It's better for us.
- It takes the pressure off.
- It gives you breathing space.
Not if there's too many of 'em, it don't!
It stops the Old Bill
getting on our backs.
Before they arrived, it was always us.
Prison was empty,
it was us they filled it with.
You'd come out of work,
have your collar felt and you'd be inside.
Not if you're honest! That's my point.
That's what I'm saying.
Not if you're honest, Mr Garnett?
What about poor old Ginger Noakes?
Honest as the day is long!
He was nabbed. They found him guilty.
Put him inside for nine months.
He was guilty!
Only according to them.
Only on their evidence.
- He reckoned he was fitted up.
- Course he was.
- He reckoned they had it in for him.
- Course they did.
I mean, why did they stop him
coming out the docks?
- They was watching him!
- That's it, innit? Why?
Why was they watching an innocent man?
Innocent man?!
Gor blimey, when they stopped his car,
the boot was full of stuff!
That may be, but an innocent man
stopped and searched, why?
He was suspected! They was watching him.
He was under surveillance.
But why? That's what Harry's saying.
Here's an innocent man,
honest as the day is long,
not a blemish on his character,
and they stop and search him.
And the boot of his car
was full of stolen goods!
But they never knew that
when they stopped him!
When they stopped him he was innocent,
without a stain against him.
He wasn't a criminal.
They stopped him because the front wheels
of his car was off the ground
with the weight
of the stuff that was in the bloody boot!
He couldn't drive the car,
it was so overloaded.
He had four sides of beef in there,
two sides of bacon,
- sacks of sugar, whisky, gin...
- You had whisky off him.
Well, I thought that was come by honest.
A quid a bottle?!
ARTHUR: All his customers
knew it was stolen.
- MR CAREY: I think it's a crime.
- Course it is.
No, I mean stopping innocent people,
honest, hard-working men,
with not a stain on their character.
Innocent men being treated like criminals!
Look, the police was on the gate
stopping and searching people
cos they knew that stuff was being nicked!
My brother-in-law was nobbled
by the bloody dock police.
He used to fill his water container
for the windscreen washers,
he used to fill it every day
with a bottle of scotch, bottle of gin.
Had a little bar in his front room.
Always full, it was. Had many a party.
Went on for years, he did. Then suddenly
one day, he's coming out the dock gates,
and it starts raining.
So, of course, without thinking,
he turns his wipers on -
100% proof rum all over his windscreen!
Not funny! Not funny, is it?
And that's not stealing, I suppose?
- Perks, Alf, in lieu of wages.
- Get off!
One of my cousins, the eldest boy,
he almost became a policeman.
Broke his mother's heart
when he told her what he wanted to be.
"Your father will turn in his grave,”
she said,
"if you become a policeman. You'll bring
disgrace on the whole family."
I tried to console her, you know,
as you do.
I said, "Don't worry.
If he does become a policeman,
"it'll be a bent one.
So that's not too bad, is it?"
Alf here's on jury service.
Oops! That won't make him
too popular, will it?
They don't like him much
round here, anyway.
In the docks in the old days,
he'd never nick anything.
Wouldn't turn his head whilst we did.
- I was a foreman!
- You was untrustworthy!
That's what you was.
Nasty type. Sort of man
I don't like to be seen with.
Yeah. Well, you want to watch how you vote
on that jury, Mr Garnett,
especially if they're local lads.
Know what I mean?
Yes, have a bit more of the community
spirit, Mr Garnett, just for a change.
Think of your neighbours
and their relatives.
And tell those other jurors of yours
them young lads in the docks are nearly
always innocent, and wrongfully arrested,
and the ones that want to convict them
are liars!
FRED: Ticklish business that, sitting
on a jury. Don't think I'd fancy it.
ARTHUR: Yeah. You don't want them sort
bearing a grudge against you.
(SHOUTS) Mrs Hollingbery!
Gordon Bennett! How long do you take
to press a pair of bloody trousers?
Mrs Hollingbery!
What do you want?
I want my trousers! I'm freezing to death!
I gotta go out, ain't I?
There you are.
It's the last time I'm pressing those.
When did you have them cleaned last?
I don't send things to the cleaners -
they ruin 'em -
knock all the stuffing out of 'em!
"Stuffing"?! There's years of dirt
ingrained in those!
They might manage to get some of that out,
but I doubt it. They stink!
- Oh, yeah?
- I've had to open all the windows.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've been wearing these for years
and nobody's complained before!
Nobody's ever put a hot iron
on 'em before! The steam was revolting.
Phew!
You ain't half gonna get some funny looks
in the court today.
You're bloody right I am!
Look at 'em!
Look! You've put the creases in
the wrong way round!
You silly great fat puddin*!
And you're a stinker!
A smelly-pants stinker!
You what?
They'll probably disqualify you
from sitting on the jury
not because your creases
are in the wrong place - the pong!
The prisoner won't say,
"I object to that juror
“because the creases in his trousers
are the wrong way round,”
but he will say, "I object to that juror
because of the pong, Your Honour!"
"Clear the court,” the judge'll say,
"and fumigate that juror!"
You! Come 'ere!
Come 'ere!
Reunion, is it? Home Guard(?)
Left, right, left, right!
Left, right. Steady, the Buffs!
What's that smell...?
Seems to be following us around.
It was on the bus.
I got a couple of niffs of it
walking along.
No. Thought perhaps I'd trod in something.
'Ere, you ain't trod in anything,
have you?
No!
She's made a good job of those,
has Mrs Hollingbery,
if she'd pressed them the right way round.
Made me look a bloody clown, she has!
You only need a red nose!
Hello! Hello! Hello!
- I say! I say!
- That's not funny, Arthur!
Oh, God. Here, look at this.
Here's one of your villains.
- I wonder what they've got on 'im?
- Nasty looking sod, ain't he?
- I wouldn't like to fall out with him.
- Vicious-looking swine.
Ought to lock 'em up
and throw away the key, people like that.
Ah, good morning, Superintendent.
I don't like these places, Alf.
They make you feel so small
and vulnerable, don't they?
I wouldn't like to sit on a jury
and have to send someone to prison.
It's too bloody risky, innit?
I wouldn't like a bloody villain
having a grudge against me.
You won't hold me in no bloody prison!
I'm gonna get out!
And I'm gonna get the judge
and the jury -
I'm gonna kill 'em all - the jury!
There's no prisons built that can hold me!
I'm gonna kill the jury!
Silence in court.
The court will rise.
The court may be seated.
(# Bridal March)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #