In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 6 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
Alf is initially nervous when he receives a brown envelope but swells with pride when he sees that it is calling him up for jury service, a fact which causes him to lord it in the pub. However, when Fred tells him of a juror who w...
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do. " #
Are you sitting there
waitin' to read this paper?
No, I'm waiting for a bus(!)
How much longer
are you going to be with it?
You've been all morning,
sitting there with that.
I'm not just looking at the pictures,
my dear.
It takes a little longer
to read the words, you see.
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can go and make me a cup of tea
while you're waiting, if you like.
- What you need is a little black boy.
- I had one.
Yes. You should've kept him.
I wanted to. He was a good lad.
He paid me a fair rent for that room,
and looked after me into the bargain.
And I didn't have to wait for
cups of tea when he was around!
Fair rent? Fair to who?
Fair to me, my dear.
I'm the only one whose welfare
I have to concern myself with.
It wasn't fair to me.
He was paying you more for that one room
than you was paying for the whole flat!
- How was that unfair to you?
- Cos half this house is mine.
He wasn't living in your half, was he?
No, but I had to put up
with the inconvenience
of him living in your half.
Using my front door, walking across
the hallway after I'd cleaned it.
Yeah, that really upset you,
didn't it, eh?
Cos I was making a bit of money
out of it and you wasn't.
Jealous cos you didn't
get a share of it.
Well, all them nightmares
you was complaining of
cos there were strange men
living in the house -
it was all invention, wasn't it?
Eh? Pure invention.
You no more dreamt about Winston
than you dreamt about me.
Oh, you've been in my nightmares,
don't worry.
Well, are you going to make me
a cup of tea or not?
No.
Dunno why you're doing the sulking.
I'm the one who's suffering
since that lad went.
I'm sleeping in my bed better
since he went.
You malign that lad. Young Pele,
and Winston, when he was here,
they both of them showed a proper respect,
even you've got to admit that.
Both of them was devoted to me,
they was.
In their own way.
And they showed their gratitude.
I don't think it was very fair of you
to dream about them the way you did.
I never asked them into my dreams!
They wasn't invited.
Neither of them, I can tell you.
And neither were they welcome either.
They was your dreams!
Yes! And I wish other people
would keep out of 'em!
I mean, people I wouldn't have
in my house!
People I wouldn't even talk to
in the street!
I don't want 'em in my dreams either.
Cheek!
Just walking in and out
of my private dreams!
Doing just what they want
without a by your leave.
And saying just what they like, please.
And if you complain to anyone, tell
a doctor or one of them sort of people,
all they say is,
"Oh, it's just a dream.”
It may be just a dream in the daytime,
but it's not very nice at night
when it's happening!
If you lay in bed all night
dreaming about Winston,
that's not his fault, is it?
Oh, you favour him!
You can't see anything wrong
with Winston.
"He was a good boy."
Here, I'll tell you, Mr Garnett,
if he was to try some of the things
on me in the daytime
like he tries to do at night...
...I could have him locked up.
What things?
I'm not telling you
what goes on in my dreams!
My dreams are private.
And I prefer to keep them that way.
And I wish other people would, too.
And you can be careful.
Me? What've I done?
Disgusting, you are.
Look, you can leave me out of
your dreams if you don't mind!
I've got enough
being in me own dreams.
No wonder I wake up
bloody tired in the mornings!
I don't know what you're getting me
up to in your dreams, do I?
It's not fair.
You could be putting me
in positions...
Positions of humiliation.
With others watching.
I don't know who else is
in your dreams, do I?
Well, there's nothing you can do
about it. I told the doctor...
You told the doctor
about me in your dreams?!
Well, I didn't mention your name.
Well, I'll put a stop to this!
If you wrote a book and you put me
in it doing all them things
you dream about,
I could sue you for libel.
If you start talking to people about
what I do in your dreams, missus,
I'll get a lawyer onto you,
that's what I'll do.
You can't afford a lawyer!
I'll get legal aid. I'll go down
the Citizens Advice Bureau.
I don't know why you assume that
if I put you in a book it would be bad.
No more than if I dream about you
it will be bad.
-Eh?
- But you're right, though, it would be,
and it is!
Look, put it like this,
where you're concerned,
I'm mostly pleased to wake up.
You're not the only one
who has dreams, my dear,
and I'm not always sorry to wake up,
neither.
More than pleased some days, I tell you.
Do I appear in your dreams?
Not if I can bloody well help it!
(LETTERBOX RATTLES)
That's something being put
through the letterbox.
Yes, that's right.
- It's a letter.
- Really?
Some days, my dear,
your powers of reasoning amaze me!
You still taking them pills
the doctor gave you?
When you mend my ladder I will.
What's the ladder
got to do with your pills?
I can't reach 'em without the ladder.
Why did you put 'em out of reach?
Cos it says on the bottle,
"Put well out of reach.”
Bloody hell! That means children!
Don't be so silly.
It's not a children's complaint.
Don't you want to see what it is?
What?
What's just come through the door,
the letter.
Don't you want to see who it's from?
Well, first of all, my dear,
we have to discover who it's for
before we can discover who it's from.
That is the polite way.
First of all,
one of us has to go out there,
pick it up and see
who the letter's addressed to, right?
That would inform us
as to who is entitled
to peruse the contents of that letter
and to find out who it's from.
Peruse?! Ooh!
What's that when it's out
with its hat on?
- And then one of us...
- Peruse?
One of us has to go out there
and pick it up.
And as the only letters
I get these days are bills
or begging letters from loan companies
who are forever poking it through
my front door, trying to persuade me
to plunge myself
up to my eyeballs in debt,
providing I was daft enough,
I see no reason to get out of this chair
and drag myself
to the front door just for that.
On the other hand, of course,
the letter might be for you.
No, nobody writes to me any more either.
'Cept the letters you get.
No, my dear, the letters I get
are written to me.
Well, of course,
you wouldn't get 'em otherwise.
What you mean is that the letters you get
are similar to the ones that I get.
That's what I said.
I get the same letters you get.
No, you do not get
the same letters I get.
I do! Bills and begging letters.
Yes, but they are different letters.
No, just the same!
I've said they're just the same.
- No!
- But they are!
- Not the same.
- Exactly the same!
No, not the same.
They may look the same...
Cos they are the bloody same!
You made me swear now.
Is this the same letter you got?
Yes, that's the one. "Aid to Ethiopia”.
But this is the letter I got.
Yes. Though why they sent it
to me, I don't know.
They didn't send it...
I mean, I feel sorry they're hungry,
it's an awful thing.
They didn't send...
If I sent them every penny I'd got,
they'd still be hungry.
That's why I don't bother with that.
They didn't send this letter to you.
Yes, they did! I've still got it upstairs,
so I can show it to you.
No, my dear, not this letter.
You ain't got this letter upstairs.
Yes, that's the letter.
No, the letter you've got upstairs
is addressed to Mrs Hollingbery.
This is addressed to
Mr Alfred Garnett. So you see?
Not the same letter, my dear.
A similar letter.
Ooh, you soppy fool!
Let's get our facts right, shall we?
You need your brains tested, you do!
Well, I s'pose one of us had better
peruse out there!
Not another begging letter, is it?
Not Ethiopia again! Blimey,
the money they spend on stamps,
you could buy
quite a few bowls of rice, I'm sure.
Don't look very friendly, do it? Hmm?
When I saw it, what it was, it gave me
a bit of a turn, I don't mind saying.
Till I saw your name.
Well, that was a bit of relief at least,
cos I knew it wasn't for me.
- Well?
- Well...
I dunno. I mean...
I mean, I woke up this morning
and ... I thought... Well...
We looked all right,
I could see a way forward.
Well, a bit of the way.
Not much of the way, though, I bet.
Still, I suppose seeing
some of the path, that's something.
I dunno what's in there, do I?
I'm sitting here, I don't know what's...
...what's in store for me
in there, do I?
Nothing pleasant, I'm sure.
Here, I'll make a cup of tea.
You sit there. No good
making yourself ill over it.
- What am I supposed to do?
- Well, worrying won't do any good.
I mean, that thing comes in
through the letterbox,
it's threatening everything.
I can remember when letters were
a welcome thing,
when the postman's knock was
a joy to hear.
You're going back a few years,
ain't you?
Blimey, it's more like a note of terror
these days, innit?
The only relief from it's
when they're on strike.
Yeah, pity they wasn't on strike today.
It's a pity they don't go on strike
and stay on bloody strike!
All they ever do is fill the house up
with bills and junk mail!
Nothing good ever comes
through that letterbox.
I'll block it up, that's what I'll do.
Blimey, I was just beginning to see
a way forward,
and then this thing arrives!
We could say we never got it.
Blame it on the Post Office.
Say we never saw it.
After all, it's a bill.
We've had them before.
Too bloody many.
It's not the rent again, is it?
- I don't know.
- Well, who ain't we paid?
Them, for a start.
It might be easier to remember
who we fave paid.
Look, I'm always telling you, and
I'm always saying, "Don't run up debts!"
But will you listen? No! No!
- Just put me through this torture.
- What do I buy?
Somebody's buying something,
or else we wouldn't be getting
bloody bills, would we?
- Here, who wanted a cup of tea made?
- What's that got to do with it?
That's running up debts, ain't it?
Gas debts, water debts.
Who turned that bar of the fire on?
All right, I'll sit here and freeze,
shall I?!
Electric debts, phone debts...
I hardly ever use the phone.
And when I do, it's cash, I put money in.
That thing just hangs there,
running up debts, doing nothing.
All right, I'll get rid of it,
it's going.
I thought your Rita was supposed
to pay for that.
Pay for it?
She never even rings me on it.
She rang you at Christmas.
Yeah, and she probably will again
next Christmas.
That's all she is, a Christmas daughter.
Well, at least she keeps in touch.
My brother, he's not even
a Christmas brother!
I've never known what it's like
to have family.
You had a mother and father.
Not since they died.
You've got a brother and sister!
Oh, no. They're only distant relations.
No, my dear, your brother and sister
are not distant relations.
They are! My sister lives in Ireland
and my brother lives in Australia.
That's a long distance.
Gordon Bennett!
I'll mend that ladder, then you can
start taking the pills again.
The last time my brother phoned
from Australia, I told him.
I said, "Don't talk for too long,”
I said,
"cos you could tire your voice out,
coming all that way."
I can't remember
if I've put tea in this pot now.
Well?
Oh, it's no good sitting there,
staring at it, making yourself ill.
Can't take you out and shoot you,
can they, eh?
One problem we don't have, eh?
Oh, open it, whatever!
They can't do anything to you!
And even if they can, at your age,
they couldn't do it to you for long!
D'you want a blindfold?
Well!
Well, what is it?
I don't know what
you were so frightened of!
It's only an hon our.
I've only received hon our.
I am requested to report
for jury service, my dear.
Oh, dear.
"Oh, dear," you might well say!
I've been selected to serve on a jury!
I've been selected to be a jury man!
You know what this means?
Another miscarriage of justice?
It means, my dear, that out of millions
and millions of others,
I have been selected. Me!
They went down the list. They said,
"No, not him, nor him, not that one,
nor him, nor him. This one!
"He's the one we want.
"Mr Alfred Garnett.
"One of 12 just men and true."
It's hon our, innit, eh? Honour.
Yes, my Lord.
I'll probably be foreman of the jury,
have to give the verdict.
Will you have to wear a wig?
Guilty, Your Honour! Without
a shadow of a doubt, Your Honour!
Cor, blimey, this'll make 'em
sit up, eh?! Cor!
Eh? I. No-one else
down this street. Just me.
I was the one.
I was the one who put 'em away.
I'll teach 'em to bloody well
wreck their cells
and burn their prisons down! Oh, yes!
I'll bang 'em up for life,
that's what...! You see?
Everything comes to those who wait,
my dear.
You see, people in high places,
your Lord Chancellor's office,
they know of me. They know who I am.
And they know where I live.
Make me a cup of tea,
my dear, will you?
Yes, Your Honour.
(TAPS HIS PIPE)
Silence in court!
Look, I'm trying to explain,
if you'll listen! I'll explain it you!
- No, you only shout.
- Not shouting!
- You're shouting now!
- Not shouting!
That's all politics
ever seems to be, shouting.
One side shouting at
the other side shouting.
I think we'd be better off without them.
I don't understand politics.
I never have.
It's very simple, my dear,
if you just put your mind to it.
I've tried. I've tried,
and it always leads to
the same old shouting match.
Especially with you.
Yeah, well, trying isn't
always enough, my dear.
We make the effort, by all means,
but remember, a pig can't fly,
and it's no good him sitting around,
upsetting himself, worrying about it.
The happy pig knows that he makes good
bacon, and that's all we need him for.
And he's content,
knowing that he's wanted and useful.
No disrespect, my dear, but politics is
probably not a woman's thing.
'Specially when it's you.
Are you trying to say
that I'm not up to it?
If the cap fits! We've all got
our limitations, ain't we?
Yes, well, you've certainly got yours!
There you are, you see? That's why
you do not understand politics!
Because you cannot grasp
the give and take of civilised debate!
You have to get personal,
drag everything down
to the level of abuse and argument.
- Same old shouting match.
- Not shouting, my dear.
Not a shouting match. Reasoned debate.
There's two sides to every argument.
Yeah, but your side
always seems to have right.
Because I take the trouble
to look at both sides
and use my powers of reasoning!
I believe that the guilty man
should be given a proper trial first,
before they take him out and hang him.
I mean...
fair play don't cost nothing, does it?
I thought a man was innocent
until he was proved guilty.
Yes, that is what he'll claim to be,
of course, and that is his right.
And no-one would deny him that right
under what is a fair system
of law and order.
Well, what about the Guildford Four?
All right.
Let us take the Guildford Four.
At the time when we put 'em in jail,
they was guilty.
Everyone knew that.
As soon as they was innocent,
we let 'em out again.
Can't say fairer than that, can we?
Well, what about the Birmingham Six?
The same, my dear. Exactly the same.
And if they're proved innocent,
they'll be shown the same leniency
the others was. Don't you worry.
Yeah, that's all very well,
but I can't help thinking
that the main evidence against
them poor lads was being Irish.
Yes, well, of course,
you was bound to say that, wasn't you,
with your Irish daddy
and your Irish mummy.
Racial discrimination.
Nothing to do with
racial discrimination.
But if the Irish are blowing up things,
you don't round up
the Chinese, do you?!
(TRAY CLATTERS)
Ooh!
You racist pig!
Typical.
Bloody typical.
Anyway, so I had this hand grenade,
you see, in my hand, right?
A hand grenade. And our officer, he said,
"Right, Garnett, throw it." See?
So I said, "Just a minute, sir,
let's see the whites of their eyes first."
Right? And they're coming closer
and closer, and I let them get closer,
and, finally, I threw it,
and I was so close...
Hello, Mr Garnett!
What are you doing here?
It's a bit out of your line, isn't it?
All right.
Eh? It's a bit pricey, innit,
for someone like you?
WOMAN: Oh, you lovely old thing!
What a character, Jeremy! Brilliant!
You crafty old sod!
What have you been doing, spinning
a tale, eh? Telling the old, old story?
I don't blame you, as it happens.
They've got more money than sense,
most of these.
They've been pushing up
the prices, though.
The house is worth more
since they came.
- Are you all right, Granddad?
- Yeah.
So, could I get you anything?
Well, a little drop of Scotch,
you know, for me chest.
Get the damp out of his war wound.
Mummy loved the story about
the German machine-gun nest.
She said that men like you
were the salt of the earth.
Oh, and that thrilling story,
piloting the Arethusa
through the docks in thick fog!
That was you, was it?
Oh, Simon,
could you get a large whisky
for Granddad?
Amelia's getting it, Kate.
Well, you get him one too.
He needs perking.
Does Mrs Hollingbery know
all about this, does she?
You're getting your feet
well under the table here.
It makes a change.
You get fed up with the same old
conversation down the other place.
Yeah, you do.
Anyway, I'm here talking to
my young lawyer friend over there,
young Jeremy. He's a silk, he is.
Only a junior, but...
- See, I'm doing a bit of law me self.
- You're doing what?
Well, I've been selected
for jury service.
Oh, sooner you than me.
- It's an hon our, I suppose.
- Eh?
Well, I wouldn't fancy it.
What court are you in?
- Criminal.
- Oh ho ho!
What?
- You watch yourself.
-Eh?
Be careful.
I don't want to frighten you,
Mr Garnett,
but there's a chap I know,
he was on jury service.
They sent down this villain.
The following week,
he was in intensive care.
Don't worry, though.
It might not happen to you.
They're trying to pass through
this new law
to protect witnesses and jury personnel.
I'm just warning you.
You see, you've got the villain,
he's in the dock,
and his mates,
they're all in the court.
They're watching the jury.
They're remembering the faces.
I'd wear a stocking over your head
if I was you.
There was one bloke, they gave him
a going-over before the case, they did.
They came in, broke his leg.
Just as a warning.
These are hard men, and vicious.
- Cheers, Granddad!
- I've got to be away, Mr Garnett.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Brave man.
Oh, yah!
I'll do it. Whatever you want.
Not guilty. All right?
I'll get him off. Not guilty.
I will. I will. I promise.
I promise. Not guilty.
Whatever you say.
Whatever you want!
Don't hit me!
Don't hurt me!
Wino.
They're letting them
out of the asylums, aren't they?
Throwing them out the institutions.
Poor buggers.
(MILK BOTTLES CLATTER)
- What d'you want?
- Please, let me come in!
- Let me come in!
- No!
ALF: Don't let him get me!
Oi, what's going on? Eh?
Who are you?
Police officer. I was following him.
He's acting very suspicious.
I think he's mad.
Christ, my wife's in there!
He's in there alone with my wife!
- All right, stand aside.
- Why, what are you going to do?
I'm going to break the door down.
Don't be bloody stupid, he's in there
with my wife! He's holding her hostage!
He might slit her throat, anything.
What's going on?
There's a maniac in there,
and his wife's trapped in there with him.
- Oh, Christ.
- What is it?
Maniac's in there,
holding his wife hostage.
Have you got a phone?
No. They have, we always use theirs.
There's one over the road.
Phone the station,
tell them to send some men.
We might need a fire engine
or something. We need ladders.
What about guns?
They'll know what to do.
Tell them Officer Barton's here.
Be careful, love!
Excuse me. That's Mr Garnett.
He lives opposite me.
He's all right.
He's a bit bonkers, but...
- Shall I go and have a word?
- Yeah, go on.
ALF: It's the police! The boys in blue!
Thank God!
Here, arrest him!
He's the one who was following me!
- He tried to do me up!
- He's the police!
What?
This'll be a story to tell
the yuppies tomorrow night!
- Worth a few drinks, eh?
- Shut up!
- I know him, Commissioner.
- All right, love.
Now what have you been doing?
I can't take my eyes off you
for five minutes!
- Look!
- Oh! You're drunk again!
I am not drunk!
You go on the way you're going on,
and it won't be the jury
you'll be sitting in, it'll be the dock!
Now come here.
- Get off of me!
- The Inspector wants to see you.
- Get out of it! Let go of me, woman!
- 'Souse me, sir.
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now my old darling
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# And I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do"...
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do. " #
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do. " #
Are you sitting there
waitin' to read this paper?
No, I'm waiting for a bus(!)
How much longer
are you going to be with it?
You've been all morning,
sitting there with that.
I'm not just looking at the pictures,
my dear.
It takes a little longer
to read the words, you see.
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can go and make me a cup of tea
while you're waiting, if you like.
- What you need is a little black boy.
- I had one.
Yes. You should've kept him.
I wanted to. He was a good lad.
He paid me a fair rent for that room,
and looked after me into the bargain.
And I didn't have to wait for
cups of tea when he was around!
Fair rent? Fair to who?
Fair to me, my dear.
I'm the only one whose welfare
I have to concern myself with.
It wasn't fair to me.
He was paying you more for that one room
than you was paying for the whole flat!
- How was that unfair to you?
- Cos half this house is mine.
He wasn't living in your half, was he?
No, but I had to put up
with the inconvenience
of him living in your half.
Using my front door, walking across
the hallway after I'd cleaned it.
Yeah, that really upset you,
didn't it, eh?
Cos I was making a bit of money
out of it and you wasn't.
Jealous cos you didn't
get a share of it.
Well, all them nightmares
you was complaining of
cos there were strange men
living in the house -
it was all invention, wasn't it?
Eh? Pure invention.
You no more dreamt about Winston
than you dreamt about me.
Oh, you've been in my nightmares,
don't worry.
Well, are you going to make me
a cup of tea or not?
No.
Dunno why you're doing the sulking.
I'm the one who's suffering
since that lad went.
I'm sleeping in my bed better
since he went.
You malign that lad. Young Pele,
and Winston, when he was here,
they both of them showed a proper respect,
even you've got to admit that.
Both of them was devoted to me,
they was.
In their own way.
And they showed their gratitude.
I don't think it was very fair of you
to dream about them the way you did.
I never asked them into my dreams!
They wasn't invited.
Neither of them, I can tell you.
And neither were they welcome either.
They was your dreams!
Yes! And I wish other people
would keep out of 'em!
I mean, people I wouldn't have
in my house!
People I wouldn't even talk to
in the street!
I don't want 'em in my dreams either.
Cheek!
Just walking in and out
of my private dreams!
Doing just what they want
without a by your leave.
And saying just what they like, please.
And if you complain to anyone, tell
a doctor or one of them sort of people,
all they say is,
"Oh, it's just a dream.”
It may be just a dream in the daytime,
but it's not very nice at night
when it's happening!
If you lay in bed all night
dreaming about Winston,
that's not his fault, is it?
Oh, you favour him!
You can't see anything wrong
with Winston.
"He was a good boy."
Here, I'll tell you, Mr Garnett,
if he was to try some of the things
on me in the daytime
like he tries to do at night...
...I could have him locked up.
What things?
I'm not telling you
what goes on in my dreams!
My dreams are private.
And I prefer to keep them that way.
And I wish other people would, too.
And you can be careful.
Me? What've I done?
Disgusting, you are.
Look, you can leave me out of
your dreams if you don't mind!
I've got enough
being in me own dreams.
No wonder I wake up
bloody tired in the mornings!
I don't know what you're getting me
up to in your dreams, do I?
It's not fair.
You could be putting me
in positions...
Positions of humiliation.
With others watching.
I don't know who else is
in your dreams, do I?
Well, there's nothing you can do
about it. I told the doctor...
You told the doctor
about me in your dreams?!
Well, I didn't mention your name.
Well, I'll put a stop to this!
If you wrote a book and you put me
in it doing all them things
you dream about,
I could sue you for libel.
If you start talking to people about
what I do in your dreams, missus,
I'll get a lawyer onto you,
that's what I'll do.
You can't afford a lawyer!
I'll get legal aid. I'll go down
the Citizens Advice Bureau.
I don't know why you assume that
if I put you in a book it would be bad.
No more than if I dream about you
it will be bad.
-Eh?
- But you're right, though, it would be,
and it is!
Look, put it like this,
where you're concerned,
I'm mostly pleased to wake up.
You're not the only one
who has dreams, my dear,
and I'm not always sorry to wake up,
neither.
More than pleased some days, I tell you.
Do I appear in your dreams?
Not if I can bloody well help it!
(LETTERBOX RATTLES)
That's something being put
through the letterbox.
Yes, that's right.
- It's a letter.
- Really?
Some days, my dear,
your powers of reasoning amaze me!
You still taking them pills
the doctor gave you?
When you mend my ladder I will.
What's the ladder
got to do with your pills?
I can't reach 'em without the ladder.
Why did you put 'em out of reach?
Cos it says on the bottle,
"Put well out of reach.”
Bloody hell! That means children!
Don't be so silly.
It's not a children's complaint.
Don't you want to see what it is?
What?
What's just come through the door,
the letter.
Don't you want to see who it's from?
Well, first of all, my dear,
we have to discover who it's for
before we can discover who it's from.
That is the polite way.
First of all,
one of us has to go out there,
pick it up and see
who the letter's addressed to, right?
That would inform us
as to who is entitled
to peruse the contents of that letter
and to find out who it's from.
Peruse?! Ooh!
What's that when it's out
with its hat on?
- And then one of us...
- Peruse?
One of us has to go out there
and pick it up.
And as the only letters
I get these days are bills
or begging letters from loan companies
who are forever poking it through
my front door, trying to persuade me
to plunge myself
up to my eyeballs in debt,
providing I was daft enough,
I see no reason to get out of this chair
and drag myself
to the front door just for that.
On the other hand, of course,
the letter might be for you.
No, nobody writes to me any more either.
'Cept the letters you get.
No, my dear, the letters I get
are written to me.
Well, of course,
you wouldn't get 'em otherwise.
What you mean is that the letters you get
are similar to the ones that I get.
That's what I said.
I get the same letters you get.
No, you do not get
the same letters I get.
I do! Bills and begging letters.
Yes, but they are different letters.
No, just the same!
I've said they're just the same.
- No!
- But they are!
- Not the same.
- Exactly the same!
No, not the same.
They may look the same...
Cos they are the bloody same!
You made me swear now.
Is this the same letter you got?
Yes, that's the one. "Aid to Ethiopia”.
But this is the letter I got.
Yes. Though why they sent it
to me, I don't know.
They didn't send it...
I mean, I feel sorry they're hungry,
it's an awful thing.
They didn't send...
If I sent them every penny I'd got,
they'd still be hungry.
That's why I don't bother with that.
They didn't send this letter to you.
Yes, they did! I've still got it upstairs,
so I can show it to you.
No, my dear, not this letter.
You ain't got this letter upstairs.
Yes, that's the letter.
No, the letter you've got upstairs
is addressed to Mrs Hollingbery.
This is addressed to
Mr Alfred Garnett. So you see?
Not the same letter, my dear.
A similar letter.
Ooh, you soppy fool!
Let's get our facts right, shall we?
You need your brains tested, you do!
Well, I s'pose one of us had better
peruse out there!
Not another begging letter, is it?
Not Ethiopia again! Blimey,
the money they spend on stamps,
you could buy
quite a few bowls of rice, I'm sure.
Don't look very friendly, do it? Hmm?
When I saw it, what it was, it gave me
a bit of a turn, I don't mind saying.
Till I saw your name.
Well, that was a bit of relief at least,
cos I knew it wasn't for me.
- Well?
- Well...
I dunno. I mean...
I mean, I woke up this morning
and ... I thought... Well...
We looked all right,
I could see a way forward.
Well, a bit of the way.
Not much of the way, though, I bet.
Still, I suppose seeing
some of the path, that's something.
I dunno what's in there, do I?
I'm sitting here, I don't know what's...
...what's in store for me
in there, do I?
Nothing pleasant, I'm sure.
Here, I'll make a cup of tea.
You sit there. No good
making yourself ill over it.
- What am I supposed to do?
- Well, worrying won't do any good.
I mean, that thing comes in
through the letterbox,
it's threatening everything.
I can remember when letters were
a welcome thing,
when the postman's knock was
a joy to hear.
You're going back a few years,
ain't you?
Blimey, it's more like a note of terror
these days, innit?
The only relief from it's
when they're on strike.
Yeah, pity they wasn't on strike today.
It's a pity they don't go on strike
and stay on bloody strike!
All they ever do is fill the house up
with bills and junk mail!
Nothing good ever comes
through that letterbox.
I'll block it up, that's what I'll do.
Blimey, I was just beginning to see
a way forward,
and then this thing arrives!
We could say we never got it.
Blame it on the Post Office.
Say we never saw it.
After all, it's a bill.
We've had them before.
Too bloody many.
It's not the rent again, is it?
- I don't know.
- Well, who ain't we paid?
Them, for a start.
It might be easier to remember
who we fave paid.
Look, I'm always telling you, and
I'm always saying, "Don't run up debts!"
But will you listen? No! No!
- Just put me through this torture.
- What do I buy?
Somebody's buying something,
or else we wouldn't be getting
bloody bills, would we?
- Here, who wanted a cup of tea made?
- What's that got to do with it?
That's running up debts, ain't it?
Gas debts, water debts.
Who turned that bar of the fire on?
All right, I'll sit here and freeze,
shall I?!
Electric debts, phone debts...
I hardly ever use the phone.
And when I do, it's cash, I put money in.
That thing just hangs there,
running up debts, doing nothing.
All right, I'll get rid of it,
it's going.
I thought your Rita was supposed
to pay for that.
Pay for it?
She never even rings me on it.
She rang you at Christmas.
Yeah, and she probably will again
next Christmas.
That's all she is, a Christmas daughter.
Well, at least she keeps in touch.
My brother, he's not even
a Christmas brother!
I've never known what it's like
to have family.
You had a mother and father.
Not since they died.
You've got a brother and sister!
Oh, no. They're only distant relations.
No, my dear, your brother and sister
are not distant relations.
They are! My sister lives in Ireland
and my brother lives in Australia.
That's a long distance.
Gordon Bennett!
I'll mend that ladder, then you can
start taking the pills again.
The last time my brother phoned
from Australia, I told him.
I said, "Don't talk for too long,”
I said,
"cos you could tire your voice out,
coming all that way."
I can't remember
if I've put tea in this pot now.
Well?
Oh, it's no good sitting there,
staring at it, making yourself ill.
Can't take you out and shoot you,
can they, eh?
One problem we don't have, eh?
Oh, open it, whatever!
They can't do anything to you!
And even if they can, at your age,
they couldn't do it to you for long!
D'you want a blindfold?
Well!
Well, what is it?
I don't know what
you were so frightened of!
It's only an hon our.
I've only received hon our.
I am requested to report
for jury service, my dear.
Oh, dear.
"Oh, dear," you might well say!
I've been selected to serve on a jury!
I've been selected to be a jury man!
You know what this means?
Another miscarriage of justice?
It means, my dear, that out of millions
and millions of others,
I have been selected. Me!
They went down the list. They said,
"No, not him, nor him, not that one,
nor him, nor him. This one!
"He's the one we want.
"Mr Alfred Garnett.
"One of 12 just men and true."
It's hon our, innit, eh? Honour.
Yes, my Lord.
I'll probably be foreman of the jury,
have to give the verdict.
Will you have to wear a wig?
Guilty, Your Honour! Without
a shadow of a doubt, Your Honour!
Cor, blimey, this'll make 'em
sit up, eh?! Cor!
Eh? I. No-one else
down this street. Just me.
I was the one.
I was the one who put 'em away.
I'll teach 'em to bloody well
wreck their cells
and burn their prisons down! Oh, yes!
I'll bang 'em up for life,
that's what...! You see?
Everything comes to those who wait,
my dear.
You see, people in high places,
your Lord Chancellor's office,
they know of me. They know who I am.
And they know where I live.
Make me a cup of tea,
my dear, will you?
Yes, Your Honour.
(TAPS HIS PIPE)
Silence in court!
Look, I'm trying to explain,
if you'll listen! I'll explain it you!
- No, you only shout.
- Not shouting!
- You're shouting now!
- Not shouting!
That's all politics
ever seems to be, shouting.
One side shouting at
the other side shouting.
I think we'd be better off without them.
I don't understand politics.
I never have.
It's very simple, my dear,
if you just put your mind to it.
I've tried. I've tried,
and it always leads to
the same old shouting match.
Especially with you.
Yeah, well, trying isn't
always enough, my dear.
We make the effort, by all means,
but remember, a pig can't fly,
and it's no good him sitting around,
upsetting himself, worrying about it.
The happy pig knows that he makes good
bacon, and that's all we need him for.
And he's content,
knowing that he's wanted and useful.
No disrespect, my dear, but politics is
probably not a woman's thing.
'Specially when it's you.
Are you trying to say
that I'm not up to it?
If the cap fits! We've all got
our limitations, ain't we?
Yes, well, you've certainly got yours!
There you are, you see? That's why
you do not understand politics!
Because you cannot grasp
the give and take of civilised debate!
You have to get personal,
drag everything down
to the level of abuse and argument.
- Same old shouting match.
- Not shouting, my dear.
Not a shouting match. Reasoned debate.
There's two sides to every argument.
Yeah, but your side
always seems to have right.
Because I take the trouble
to look at both sides
and use my powers of reasoning!
I believe that the guilty man
should be given a proper trial first,
before they take him out and hang him.
I mean...
fair play don't cost nothing, does it?
I thought a man was innocent
until he was proved guilty.
Yes, that is what he'll claim to be,
of course, and that is his right.
And no-one would deny him that right
under what is a fair system
of law and order.
Well, what about the Guildford Four?
All right.
Let us take the Guildford Four.
At the time when we put 'em in jail,
they was guilty.
Everyone knew that.
As soon as they was innocent,
we let 'em out again.
Can't say fairer than that, can we?
Well, what about the Birmingham Six?
The same, my dear. Exactly the same.
And if they're proved innocent,
they'll be shown the same leniency
the others was. Don't you worry.
Yeah, that's all very well,
but I can't help thinking
that the main evidence against
them poor lads was being Irish.
Yes, well, of course,
you was bound to say that, wasn't you,
with your Irish daddy
and your Irish mummy.
Racial discrimination.
Nothing to do with
racial discrimination.
But if the Irish are blowing up things,
you don't round up
the Chinese, do you?!
(TRAY CLATTERS)
Ooh!
You racist pig!
Typical.
Bloody typical.
Anyway, so I had this hand grenade,
you see, in my hand, right?
A hand grenade. And our officer, he said,
"Right, Garnett, throw it." See?
So I said, "Just a minute, sir,
let's see the whites of their eyes first."
Right? And they're coming closer
and closer, and I let them get closer,
and, finally, I threw it,
and I was so close...
Hello, Mr Garnett!
What are you doing here?
It's a bit out of your line, isn't it?
All right.
Eh? It's a bit pricey, innit,
for someone like you?
WOMAN: Oh, you lovely old thing!
What a character, Jeremy! Brilliant!
You crafty old sod!
What have you been doing, spinning
a tale, eh? Telling the old, old story?
I don't blame you, as it happens.
They've got more money than sense,
most of these.
They've been pushing up
the prices, though.
The house is worth more
since they came.
- Are you all right, Granddad?
- Yeah.
So, could I get you anything?
Well, a little drop of Scotch,
you know, for me chest.
Get the damp out of his war wound.
Mummy loved the story about
the German machine-gun nest.
She said that men like you
were the salt of the earth.
Oh, and that thrilling story,
piloting the Arethusa
through the docks in thick fog!
That was you, was it?
Oh, Simon,
could you get a large whisky
for Granddad?
Amelia's getting it, Kate.
Well, you get him one too.
He needs perking.
Does Mrs Hollingbery know
all about this, does she?
You're getting your feet
well under the table here.
It makes a change.
You get fed up with the same old
conversation down the other place.
Yeah, you do.
Anyway, I'm here talking to
my young lawyer friend over there,
young Jeremy. He's a silk, he is.
Only a junior, but...
- See, I'm doing a bit of law me self.
- You're doing what?
Well, I've been selected
for jury service.
Oh, sooner you than me.
- It's an hon our, I suppose.
- Eh?
Well, I wouldn't fancy it.
What court are you in?
- Criminal.
- Oh ho ho!
What?
- You watch yourself.
-Eh?
Be careful.
I don't want to frighten you,
Mr Garnett,
but there's a chap I know,
he was on jury service.
They sent down this villain.
The following week,
he was in intensive care.
Don't worry, though.
It might not happen to you.
They're trying to pass through
this new law
to protect witnesses and jury personnel.
I'm just warning you.
You see, you've got the villain,
he's in the dock,
and his mates,
they're all in the court.
They're watching the jury.
They're remembering the faces.
I'd wear a stocking over your head
if I was you.
There was one bloke, they gave him
a going-over before the case, they did.
They came in, broke his leg.
Just as a warning.
These are hard men, and vicious.
- Cheers, Granddad!
- I've got to be away, Mr Garnett.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Brave man.
Oh, yah!
I'll do it. Whatever you want.
Not guilty. All right?
I'll get him off. Not guilty.
I will. I will. I promise.
I promise. Not guilty.
Whatever you say.
Whatever you want!
Don't hit me!
Don't hurt me!
Wino.
They're letting them
out of the asylums, aren't they?
Throwing them out the institutions.
Poor buggers.
(MILK BOTTLES CLATTER)
- What d'you want?
- Please, let me come in!
- Let me come in!
- No!
ALF: Don't let him get me!
Oi, what's going on? Eh?
Who are you?
Police officer. I was following him.
He's acting very suspicious.
I think he's mad.
Christ, my wife's in there!
He's in there alone with my wife!
- All right, stand aside.
- Why, what are you going to do?
I'm going to break the door down.
Don't be bloody stupid, he's in there
with my wife! He's holding her hostage!
He might slit her throat, anything.
What's going on?
There's a maniac in there,
and his wife's trapped in there with him.
- Oh, Christ.
- What is it?
Maniac's in there,
holding his wife hostage.
Have you got a phone?
No. They have, we always use theirs.
There's one over the road.
Phone the station,
tell them to send some men.
We might need a fire engine
or something. We need ladders.
What about guns?
They'll know what to do.
Tell them Officer Barton's here.
Be careful, love!
Excuse me. That's Mr Garnett.
He lives opposite me.
He's all right.
He's a bit bonkers, but...
- Shall I go and have a word?
- Yeah, go on.
ALF: It's the police! The boys in blue!
Thank God!
Here, arrest him!
He's the one who was following me!
- He tried to do me up!
- He's the police!
What?
This'll be a story to tell
the yuppies tomorrow night!
- Worth a few drinks, eh?
- Shut up!
- I know him, Commissioner.
- All right, love.
Now what have you been doing?
I can't take my eyes off you
for five minutes!
- Look!
- Oh! You're drunk again!
I am not drunk!
You go on the way you're going on,
and it won't be the jury
you'll be sitting in, it'll be the dock!
Now come here.
- Get off of me!
- The Inspector wants to see you.
- Get out of it! Let go of me, woman!
- 'Souse me, sir.
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now my old darling
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# And I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do"...
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do. " #