In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 5 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# But it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane

# Off to Aussie
where they got a bob or two

# For richer not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint

# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I do

# Once more in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #

MAN ON PA: Your life jacket
has mouthpieces for further inflation,

a light that operates when in the water



and a whistle to attract attention.

If oxygen is required, a mask will drop
from the unit above your head.

One extra mask in each row
also drops out.

Remain in your seat.

(WHIMPERING)

You'll be all right. Look, I got this.

I've got my St Christopher, too.
You'll be all right.

I'm sure he knows which plane we're on.

My brother knows.

-You wrote and told him.
-He knows, too.

I've prayed to him every night
since we got the tickets.

You think that's all he's got to do,
sit there listening to your prayers?

Bloody women. He's a busy man.

Never think of that, do you?



It's all right, Alf.
we'll be flying up there near him soon,

at 38,000 feet up.

You'll only have to look out.
You'll be able to wave to him.

Shut up.

How do you do 'em?

-Say after me.
-Mmm.

-Our Father...
-Our Father...

-who art in heaven...
-who art in heaven...

-hallowed be thy name...
-hallowed be thy name...

-You're not a Catholic, Alf.
-So? It won't hurt, will it?

I'll say it for both of us
'cause he knows we're together.

(ENGINES ROARING)

Oh.

Look. We're up in the air.

-No!
-Look.

No.

(CLANKING)

-What's that?
-The wings have fallen off.

. -Huh?
m only joking.

Not funny, is it?

Please, please stop 'em.
You shouldn't let them do that.

-What's the matter?
-Them. Moving about.

They'll get us off balance.
They'll get all the weight down one end.

-Relax.
-We could tip over.

(WHIMPERING)

(EXHALES)

I'm choking.

(COUGHS)

(SIGHS)

We're up, Arthur.

(CHUCKLING)

Clouds.

(HUMMING)

I'm sorry, sir, no pipes.
It's the regulations.

Well, it might be your regulations,
sonny, but it ain't mine.

I'm English. Hmm?

I have an English passport and
my regulations, what I live under,

are laid down by your parliament,
the English parliament.

And they ain't made no laws
or regulations yet, what I know of,

that says I cannot smoke my pipe.

But on this plane, sir.

Never mind about on this plane, sir.
This plane's an English plane.

Flies under the flag of England
and the laws of England.

And your captain,
up front who's driving it,

he flies under the flag of England
and the laws of England.

(SLURRING) And the crew flies
under the laws...

And her Royal Majesty's government
has made no laws

that says I can't smoke my pipe
within her domain.

And this plane is a part of her
Royal Majesty's domain, God bless her.

And as a Englishman and a loyal subject

of her Royal Majesty and a free man,

under your Magnus Charra,

I'll smoke my pipe
where I bloody well like.

Have you got a light, Arthur?

Have you?

Waiter, bring us a box of matches,
go on.

Should have gone by boat.

Boat is better.

(SNORING)

(LOUD SNORE)

(SNORING LOUDLY)

(SNORING STOPS)

(FARTING)

-Get a trolley, Alf, will ya?
-That's all right, I can carry this.

With all you brought?

Well, it's just,
I've got my things in here.

-I mean, she's got her own case.
-I know.

We want a trolley.

You're travelling a bit light,
ain't you?

Well, I ain't come to stay, have I?

Not like some people.
What have you got in there?

More than you've got in there.

I've got plenty in there, my dear.
It's all I need, innit?

I mean, we're only staying
a couple of weeks, ain't we?

A month at least.
Haven't you brought anything with you?

I've got all I need in there.

I bet you haven't even got
a change of underclothes.

I changed me underclothes
before I left home.

Is that your only suit, then?

-What's wrong with it?
-Well, nothing,

but it's what you usually wear.

Well, it's a good suit, Arthur.

Ain't you got a Sunday best?

This is my Sunday best.

That is genuine herringbone, that is.

You couldn't buy a suit like that
these days.

Who would want to?

He doesn't buy any clothes.

-I'm not made of money, am I?
-Stingy, you are.

I asked him to treat me to a new dress
to come out here

and he nearly had a heart attack.

Told me to search through
his dear departed's old clothes,

see if I could find something
that might fit.

If I did, I said, it wouldn't be new.

'Cause I never saw that poor creature
in a new dress.

Did. She had a new dress.

I bought her a new... I did!

She wore it everywhere,
everybody saw her in it.

Anyway, blimey, it's only Australia.

I mean, who we gonna meet
who's so special?

There, it's coming up.

-Your brother is meeting us, is he?
-I hope so.

-Did he say he was?
-Yes.

I don't know. I think he did.

-I don't remember now.
-Oh, blimey.

Oh, he'll be here. I'm sure he will.

But what if he ain't?

Oh, we'll just have to make our own way,
won't we?

ARTHUR: You got his address?

MRS HOLLINGBERY:
Somewhere. I don't know.

ALF: You must have his address.
Blimey, you wrote to him.

MRS HOLLINGBERY: Yes.

I might have left it at home,
I don't know.

Oh, Gordon Bennett.

Oh, I'm sure I brought it with me,
I must have done.

You've lost it, ain't ya?
Come on, own up, you've lost it!

I haven't lost it,
I haven't lost it, I tell ya.

It's either in my case or behind
the clock at home. I haven't lost it.

It's in here. I know it is.

-And if it's not in here...
-It's behind the clock at home.

I know, I heard you the first time.

-Oh, sorry.
-0j, of, oi!

Look what you're bloody well doing,
will ya?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Never mind about sorry.

Don't they learn you no manners
in this country?

I said I was sorry.

Not the point, sorry, not the point.

Look at the stuff. Knocked her stuff
all over the bleedin' floor.

I said I was sorry.

Yeah, and don't go walking all over it.

It's you who should learn some manners,
you bloody pom.

If you wasn't so old and decrepit,

I'd take you outside and give you
a bloody good hiding, you mongrel.

It was an accident
and I said I was sorry, all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right.

-Yes, it's all right.
-You don't mind him.

-Don't worry, I've got it all now.
-I really am sorry.

Oh, it's all right.

I didn't see where I was going,
it was my fault. I really am sorry.

Yes, it's all right.

I didn't look where I was going,
it was an accident, all right?

-And I'm sorry.
-Yes, it's all right.

Bloody Aussie git!

One more word from him and,
it's all I needed, I...

What word was that, Alf?

-Look, have you found the address?
-No.

-Must be in my luggage.
-Oh, innit marvellous.

Bloody family I'm marrying into.

Her brother, I mean, haven't even got
the decency to come and meet us,

and she ain't got the address.
Bloody marvellous.

You can't see him?

Oh, well, I don't know.
I mean, I don't know what he looks like.

What do you mean you don't know
what he looks like?

-He's your brother, isn't he?
-I know.

I haven't seen him for 30 years, have I?

Oh, stone the bleeding crows.

-All right, Alf, no need to go on.
-No need to go on?

-Well, calm down.
-Calm down?

Let's try and look at it sensibly.

Look at it sensibly?
She ain't even got the bloody address!

I got it here somewhere, I know I have.

You haven't.
You've bloody left it home, ain't ya?

Look, look, look.
Your brother, does he look like you?

Well, he looked more like my father.

He was the head cut off my father,
people said.

I'll cut the head off you.

Is there anybody here
looks like your father?

Well, I didn't know my father very much.

He ran off with someone else
when I was only two weeks old.

-Then your brother's older than you?
-No, he's younger.

How can your brother be
younger than you?

You just said your father ran off
with somebody else

when you was two weeks old.

My mother married again, barmy.

But you just said
that everyone was saying

that your brother looked
like your father.

Because they thought it was my father.

Oh, blimey, I'm going bloody mad here!
Bloody mad!

I fly halfway round the bleedin' world.

I've got nowhere to sleep tonight.
I'm going down the pub.

No, stay here.
My brother might be looking for us.

Does he know who he's looking for?

Look, look, look.
We'd better ask somebody.

Get a card, write his name on it
and hold it up.

What's your brother's name?

0'Shaughnessy. Ricky O'Shaughnessy.

Bloody mick. Bloody Australian mick.

I'll get 'em to write a card for us.

I mean, there's not many left here now.

Only that fella you had a row with.

He's holding up a card now.

I think we found your brother.

Here you go.
Get ready to say sorry, Alf.

I shouldn't have come
to bloody Australia.

I hate the bloody place.

Is this your first time in Australia?

-Our first anywhere, innit it, Alf?
-No.

Well, where have you been before?

South end.

I've had no reason to travel
except to fight for my country.

You was in the war, was ya?

Oh, don't start that
or we'll never get him to bed.

I'm not all that keen on foreign travel.

You've travelled, Arthur, haven't you?

In my youth, yeah,
1did a bit of seafaring, that's all.

I never got as far as here, though.

I'm not that keen on foreigners neither.

Too many of 'em living round
where I do now,

without travelling and meet more of 'em.

Broadens the mind, travelling.

You meet people, see their way of life,

examine their culture, taste their food,

-listen to their philosophy.
-Catch their diseases. Right?

Listen to him, "Examine their culture,
taste their food".

All he eats is steak and potatoes.

Perhaps a little fish,
fried, with chips.

Travel... What do you know about
foreigners and their philosophy?

You haven't been out of Sydney
since I've known you.

I sell 'em cars.

Greek and Italian taxi drivers,
who do you think sells them their cars?

-You have foreigners here?
-Yeah, too many.

-They spoil the country.
-Yeah, they're ruining Australia.

I'm not keen.

There's a little man
I buy my groceries from.

Nothing is too much trouble. He's Asian.

But he's a lot more civil
than the Australian

I used to get my groceries from.

And he delivers.

Ooh, all right, servile foreigners.

Yes, okay, that's one servile Asian now.

What about all his aunts and uncles,
brothers and sisters,

and all their children
he's saving up to buy air tickets for?

You know what
one servile Asian delivers?

Groceries today, maybe.

Tomorrow, a population explosion.
That's what he delivers.

You should worry.
You'd have more of them to sell cars to.

There'd be an Asian selling cars
to them then.

Geez, my wife, she doesn't know
where her bread's buttered.

We've got 'em, Asians.
We had one brought us to the airport.

He wasn't servile.
You see, they lose that.

You let them live amongst you,
they lose all of that.

You give them a little bit
of equality, a little bit of freedom,

next thing, boom, they're demanding it.

-You got any West Indians here?
-They come here to play cricket.

-Well, we shouldn't play with them.
-No, they're bad losers.

I've never seen them lose.

They don't know how to lose, my dear.

They're not the same as us, you see.

We are gentlemen and one of the first
things that a gentleman has to learn

is how to lose gracefully.

All our chaps know how to do that.

-Well, you've had a lot of experience.
-Sorry?

You do your best.

(CHUCKLES)

Shut up.

I tell you one thing,
you wanna be careful

when you're playing with them blackies.

I mean, they can throw balls
at your head,

and other parts of the body
they're aren't supposed to,

but you complain, one little moan,
that's all they've gotta hear

and straight off, you're anti-black.

-Racist.
-ALF: Right.

-Alf's got a black boy, right, Alf?
-Right.

Welfare worker.

You, you can get them on
the National Health, can ya?

Well, that's handy.

You wouldn't mind paying in
for something like that.

None of them servile, though.
Right, Alf?

No, the one they give me is a poofter.

The council ain't fussy
who they send into your house.

-That's right.
-He's give him home and board.

Right, but I only got to criticise him,

say one word against him
or any of his mates

and straight off I'm a racist
or a sexist.

Only got to mention their colour.

Just in friendly conversation.

I mean, buying him a drink, I might
say to Alf, "what does the coon want?"

Nothing offensive,
you don't have to be offensive,

and they're down on you.

"What's young sambo drinking?"

-And you're a racist.
-Yeah.

They still lower your land values?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I should think so.

I mean, if you live
in a respectable street like us

and a few of them move in,

well, I mean, it's not the same, is it?

Lowers the tone.

I mean, I've got nothing against 'em,
some of them are quite decent.

I mean, some of them are
as clean and tidy as we are.

-Well...
-Well, nearly.

I mean, I'm talking about
the respectable ones.

Some's not as bad as they could be,
I suppose.

-But it lowers the tone.
-Yeah.

Bloody socialists, innit? I mean...

Blimey, I mean,
so when they first imported them over,

that was to run our buses, our trains,

empty our bedpans in hospitals,

sweep the streets, you know,
generally make theirs elves useful.

Course, socialists,
they can't leave well alone.

No, they want to start treating 'em
like us,

as if they was equals.
Next thing, the bloody rot sets in.

They're not happy emptying bedpans,
50, make them all doctors.

I wouldn't like one to examine me.

They've got them
in your bloody parliament now.

You see, that's what your one Asian
who delivers does.

We got Asians, right, Alf?

(CHUCKLES) Blimey, every corner shop,
mate.

Want to buy half an ounce
of tobacco these days,

you got to learn a foreign language.

-Well, they speak English.
-Well, of a kind.

-Urdu.
-who do?

Oh, I see what you mean. Urdu.

-Who does?
-Nobody.

It's their lingo, it's the language.

Not a language, Arthur, I mean,
no, they got sounds for things.

Yeah, they got sounds for food,
or sounds for drink.

Not a language. I mean,
a dog barks, not a language, is it?

This house that you can get cheap,

is it because you've got
a blackie living in it?

Yeah. No, well, I don't know. well...

No, it's because we've got
a bloody loony Labour Left councillors

who don't know the value
of property, that's why.

I'm a businessman, Alf. I sell cars.

Nobody sells more cars than I do
except...

Almost everyone else.

I... I shift a Lot of cars.

You don't shift as many as Mooney.

I shift more cars than Mooney can.

Then why does Mooney live
in a bigger house than we do?

Oh, geez.

And why does Mooney's wife have
a fur coat and I don't?

You don't understand.
She don't understand.

Who needs a fur coat?
It's too hot for a fur coat.

It's nice to carry a fur coat.

Like Mooney's wife carries a fur coat.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

Keep your blackie
if he can lower values, eh?

(BURPS)

Keep him until you've bought your house.

It's good to have an edge, eh?
Know what I mean?

How do you like your steak?
Good steak, eh?

-Yeah, yeah.
-When you can shift cars

like I can shift cars,
you can eat good steak.

But you don't get a fur coat to carry.

We don't have steak very often.

-That bad in England, eh?
-For us, it is.

I thought it was a boom economy.

No, not for us,
we're old age pensioners.

What about the National Health?

They don't give you steaks.

Crazy, innit?

They'll give you a black boy
but they won't give you a steak.

I think there's been some mistake.

I mean, they know
we're not married, don't they?

-I'm not sleeping in here with you.
-No.

Yeah, nor me.

I know men expect that sort of thing.

No, not me.

As long as you understand,
there's nothing personal.

No, nor me.

-Perhaps after we're married.
-No!

It's something we shall have to
talk about, I suppose.

It's this sort of thing
that puts me off.

Yeah, and me.

They say it's double beds
that make a marriage. They don't.

It's double beds that make divorce.

Separate rooms.
That's what makes a marriage.

Separate houses.

Marriage makes you live too close,
it puts you off people.

-It puts you off husbands.
-And wives.

Well, I don't know where
you're going to sleep

but you can't sleep in here.

No, well, I don't want to.

Well, let's get one thing straight,
Mr Garnett. I don't mind marrying you.

But that's as far as it goes.

It's nothing personal.

Well, I don't want to go any further.

Well, there's too much sex in the world
as it is, if you ask me.

The newspapers are full of it,
the television...

Yeah, well, they should ban it off
your television and the newspapers.

Oh, it's not just the television
and the newspapers,

it's everywhere you turn.

Even in your own home,
if you're not watchful.

I don't understand the fascination.

My last husband wasn't allowed it.

My God.

Me and my late wife, God rest her soul,

we wasn't always at it.

Never with my late husband,
Mr Garnett, never.

At least I taught him some discipline
if I never taught him anything else.

You're a virgin?

I'm proud to say
and intend to stay that way, Mr Garnett.

Sex is not a sport.

It's an instrument
for the provision of children.

There are too many people
in the world already, if you ask me.

Wouldn't be so bad
if they were Catholics, but they're not.

I couldn't have children, Mr Garnett.

And I saw no purpose in allowing
my husband to molest me for fun,

as he called it.

I'm not an amusement park, Mr Garnett.

No.

As you know, I'm not one
to criticise the Lord

and the mysterious ways
he chooses to work in.

He makes mistakes.

Yeah, well, he's a busy man, isn't he?

I see his mistakes around me every day.

And sex, I'm afraid, is one of them.

I'm sure a man of his divine wisdom
and superior spiritual calling

could've found a more dignified way
of providing the world

with whatever children it needed.

Making it pleasurable to certain taste
was his first mistake.

And allowing it to become habit-forming
was another.

We only had the one child.

Well, some homes are teaming
with the evidence of what must go on

at considerable length.

And all as a consequence of one
or both of the parents

having become hopelessly addicted

to this crazed and wasteful longing

to be continually joined together.

Well, they're overcrowding our cities
with this mindless habit,

creating a need for more and more houses
which nobody has the time to build.

Well, you can't get a seat on a bus
or a train because of them

and their armies of mass-produced issue,

who will present us with
evermore hungry mouths to feed.

And evermore even hungrier passions

until we sink into the seas
under the weight of 'em.

Yeah, well, I'll say goodnight, then.

Oh, Lord.

Why didn't you make them only to cook?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

RICKY: What do you want?

-My mate.
-RICKY: Who?

My mate Arthur.

RICKY: He's in the end room,
up there on the left.

-Which one?
-RICKY: The only one.

(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)

RAILENE: What is it, dear?

RICKY:
It's Alf, he's looking for his friend.

ALF: Hello? Arthur?

RICKY: Can't it wait till morning?

Hello? Arthur?

Arthur?

Arthur!

RICKY: Don't bang on there
this time of night!

What do you want?

-I want to get in.
-RICKY: Why?

I want to sleep with him.

RAILENE: What is it, dear?

RICKY: He wants to sleep with him.

He wants to sleep with his mate Arthur.

What are they, a couple of poofters?

Come on, light, where are you?

Where do they put the bloody switch
in this country?

Come on, bloody light, where are you?

Bloody hell.

Ow!

Who put that bloody step there?

(BIRD SHREAKING)

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Why did I come here?

Oh, God, please

keep me safe and protect me.

(BIRD CAWING)

God, I'm here.

(DOG HOWLING)

I'm Down Under. In Australia.

(BIRD CAWING)

# I'm damn near shot of that lot
down the DHSS

# I've told them all down there
what they can do

# Now I don't give a monkey's
'cause I'm off to have a rest

# Down Under in the sun,
50 nuts to you

# 'Cause it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane

# Off to Aussie
where they've got a bob or two

# For richer not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint

# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I do

# Once more in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #