In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode #4.4 - full transcript

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #

Get your bum out of the way.

Here you are.



There's me week's groceries.
That's me pension gone.

That'll last me till Wednesday
if I eat sparingly

and have a couple of fast days.

Most of that was cheap,
past the sell-by date.

Good evening, Alf.

A pint of best
and make sure it is the best.

Whatever you ask for, Mr Garnett.
We don't cheat.

You want to watch while I pour it?

I'll take your word
it says what it says.

It don't taste like it.

Nothing's what it says it is
these days, is it?

And twice the price it should be.

-Same again, if you like.
-I don't like.

Sorry, Arthur, but I'm out, ain't I?
I would if I could, you know that.



I'll take a couple of eggs back,
if you like.

Shove a half in there, please, love?

That's a bit of a tight half, isn't it?

-It's half.
-Only just.

-It's what you asked for.
-Yeah, all right, all right.

I've been coming here all these years,

you don't have to be so accurate,
do you?

-You'll get me shot, you will.
-Yeah.

Look after your regulars.
Shouldn't need prompting.

Look after your regulars.
That's the way to run a business.

If we had to rely on you as regulars,

we wouldn't have a business
worth running.

Look, I've drunk more pints in here
than you've had hot dinners,

and by the shape of you,
you've had plenty of those.

Drunk this bloody place dry
some nights, I have.

Built the foundations of your fortune,
we have, people like me and him.

Not lately, you ain't.

Well, it's not my fault, is it?
I'm an old age pensioner.

I can't afford to drink like I used to.

-Well, it's probably better for you.
-How do you make that out?

How is it better for me to have to give
up the one thing I enjoy in life, eh?

Well, you'll be healthier.

Health is no good to me
at my age, my dear.

Richer, that's what I want to be.

Bloody mad, you are. It's like that
Edwina Currie with her salmonella.

I mean, more people die round here
'cause they can't afford eggs,

not from eating 'em.

Three!
Three, that's all I can afford to buy.

And Mrs Hollingbery wants one of them
for a pudding.

-Oh, that'll be nice.
-Not the way she cooks it, it won't.

Bloody potty, it is.

I've got to give up enjoying life
so I can live longer.

I mean, it's bloody mad!

When I could afford to drink, Arthur,
they was always yelling out,

"Time, gentlemen, please! Closing time!"

Now I can't afford to drink,
the bloody pubs are open all day.

Mad, it is! And what am I saving
myself for, eh?

Why am I saving myself?

So I can sit here a few years longer
and stare at an empty glass.

Give us it.

-Eh?
-Your glass.

And his.

I'm not a bloody waiter, you know.

Don't say I don't give you nothing.

-Put out the flags.
-Oh, you're so gracious, Mr Garnett.

-This is for you, Mr Johnson.
-Oh, thank you.

(CHUCKLING)

He's working on my garden, he is.
I'm getting free drinks now.

You see my niece there?
She's been asked to get 'em out.

Out for Page 3.

And I think she should. I'd be proud.

Proud for the nation
to see my niece's tits.

You know that caption business
they have?

It's probably going to say on it,
"Has soft spot for uncle.”

Yeah, and the editor's thinking of
pioneering a whole new 3-D technique,

so they can pop out at you.
Eh, you see these lads here?

These are all handy fellows
that she picks up at the disco.

That was the plumber.
He done all my plumbing for me.

He did my interior decorating.

He painted the whole
of the outside of my house.

Put thousands on the value of it,
they have.

You see, these lads, they want
a bit of rumpo, a bit of nookie.

But she gets them to work on
me house first.

You know, it's a pity your daughter
wasn't more sensationally endowed.

Could have done you a bit of good.
Nice little earners, they are.

-She's a whore.
-Eh?

She's a whore, mate.
She's a bloody whore.

Yeah, well, which of them ain't,
when you come down to it?

Now, listen, you know I work
in insurance, don't you?

-You got them insured?
-Yes.

-You can't insure...
-Tits? Yes, you can, on a short term.

Yeah, now, I think this is
going to interest you.

-Look, I don't want no insurance.
-Eh? Look...

Oh, God, here's your future
and my past and present.

She's been helping Mrs Hollingbery pack.

-Look, mind my eggs.
-Oh, sod your eggs.

Yeah, uh... Dear...

Oh, yeah.

Uh, all ready for your excursion then,
Mr Garnett?

I hear you're going, too, Arthur.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, well, I... Is...

I mean...

Yeah, I need him with me, don't I?
He's my best man.

I mean, a woman likes
to get married in white

and that is important, yes,

but man likes to have his best friend
with him as his best man.

And you don't mind?

Well, he says it's a long way to go
on his own.

On his own?
He's going out there to get married.

-Look, I know that, but...
-He wants his friend with him.

What are you snorting about?

Well, most men when they go on
their honeymoons with their bride

can't wait to be alone with them,
can they?

Unless of course, they've been getting
plenty of carnal knowledge beforehand.

You go and wash your mouth out.

-Me and Mrs Hollingbery have never...
-Never.

Well, there's a treat in store for you,
Mrs Hollingbery.

We've got too much respect
for each other.

Don't you mind playing gooseberry?

Look, I'm not marrying Mrs Hollingbery
for her...

Certainly not.

Well, I think you ought to get
into training, Mr Garnett,

and go easy on that stuff.

You don't want to get
the old brewer's, eh?

Here, here, Arthur, with his bad hip,

I think you're going to have
to lift him on.

And off.

I bet that's why he's
taking you out there, innit, eh?

A sex aid.

He wants looking at.

I must say,
I've never heard of that before.

-It's a new one on me.
-What is?

Taking another person on honeymoon
with you.

Look, she's going out there
to relations, isn't she?

-I won't have no one, will I?
-You'll have Mrs Hollingbery.

Mrs Hollingbery will be a relation
when you get to Australia.

Not a proper relation. I...

I'm talking about proper relations,
people who like you.

-Well, what's a wife?
-He's talking about people you like.

Look, I'm talking about
people who are close to you,

like you grew up with, like her brother.
She's got a brother out there, see?

I won't have no one out there
like that, will I?

I'll be out there all on me own
in a strange country

full of people that I don't know.

Well, I haven't seen my brother
for 30 years.

I mean, he'll be almost
a stranger to me.

But he's blood and he loves you,
and he thinks the world of you.

I won't have no one out there
like that, will I?

No. I mean, you'll have someone
to talk to, see?

I won't, will I? That's what I mean.

Well, that'll be a blessing then,
if I don't have to listen to you.

Look, you know what I mean.
I don't want to be all on my own, do I?

Well, you don't do much
to encourage anything else, do you?

# Love is lovelier
the second time around #

-Oh, shut up!
-I'll come with you.

What do I want you out there
with me for?

Well, when Arthur gets tired
of your ear bashing,

-I can take over, relief listener.
-Look, they wouldn't let you in.

They're bit cleverer than we are
in that respect.

-Have you done your chores?
-What chores?

A large whisky, please.

It's a joke. Get it? What chores?
What's yours?

Large gin and tonic.

I say, Arthur...

Arthur, I don't know how you can
afford all that fare to Australia.

I mean, my brother's paying
for me and him.

Oh, that's all right.

Yeah, that's all right.
He's got his ticket already.

I mean, we're all going to be
sitting together.

Oh, I must say, I envy you.
Nothing like that's ever happened to me.

-Well, you got married.
-Oh, yes, but only to Fred.

Blimey, she's only marrying him.
I don't see a lot to envy there.

I don't mean that.
Of course there isn't, no.

Eh?

What I meant, flying off into the sun
to get married.

Honeymoon in a strange and foreign land.
I'm not being ungrateful.

I've never been one to fret
about the grass being greener elsewhere.

I've always been one to accept
what life has to offer

and not dwell on the unfairness
of it all.

Make do and mend,
that's what I've always said.

Get on with things.

Waste no time worrying about
what-might-have-beens.

God gives us what he thinks we deserve

and, well, it might seem
a very unjust punishment at times.

But I prefer to see it as more of
a penance than a punishment,

something we must suffer and bear
for his blessing

and greater rewards above
in his kingdom.

We only pass this way once...

My God, can't you take her
with you, too?

These bloody church people!
They want shooting, the lot of them.

They come banging on my door
while I'm out and she lets them in.

Filling her mind with a lot of bloody
old rubbish about God and the hereafter.

They've unsettled her.
They've damaged her mind. I've told her!

When you're... When you're gone,
I've told her,

you're gonna be worm food,
that's all you'll be, worm food.

Burnt, you'll be! That's what you'll be
when the devil gets hold of you.

Burnt! And serve you right.

If you go before me,
that's what you're gonna be, is burnt.

I'll see to that,
'cause I'm going to have you cremated.

You'll have been burnt here
before you get down to your devil.

-Yeah, 'cause I'm having you burnt here.
-You can't, if she don't want to be.

Oh, yeah, I can 'cause I'm her husband
and she belongs to me,

and nobody's going to tell me what's
going to happen to her when she goes.

And it'll be the flames for you,
my dear, I'll tell you that!

-You're wicked! Wicked!
-Oh, yeah? And what about her then, eh?

Always on at me about how the devil's
gonna burn me, she is. Never stops...

Oh, I hope my prayers are answered.

I hope the Lord is listening
and answers my prayers.

'Cause if he does,
it won't be me who goes first.

Oh, no! It'll be you.

You're the one he'll take first
if he listens to me.

Oh, bloody Christians!
No wonder Nero slung them to the lions!

Oh, he knows all about you.
Don't you worry, he knows all about you.

Oh, I'm sure he does 'cause he watches.
He's everywhere, he keeps a close watch.

-Don't you worry, girl.
-I've told him.

I've told him,
the Lord might be everywhere,

but I shouldn't think he frequents
the places Fred does.

He wouldn't want to be in his company
for too long.

Yeah, well, I'm sure he wouldn't bother
with a pub like this, for a start off.

-What's that, Mr Garnett?
-I'm not talking to you!

If he fancies a pint,

this'd be the last bloody place
he'd come into.

-Oh, you're right there, Alf.
-I mean, he might be old, God,

but he don't have to live
on a pension, does he?

He can afford a bloody sight
better than this.

He don't have to scrape out existence
on supplementary benefit.

I shouldn't think he ever leaves heaven
these days,

not the way things are down here.
If he's got any sense, he wouldn't.

I know I wouldn't if I was him.

If you ever get there.
Anyway, God is everywhere.

Hallelujah.

Not in this pub, he ain't, my dear.
I'll wager you.

He's everywhere.

Well, your Catholic God might be
everywhere, my dear,

but our Church of England God,
Our Majesty The Queen's God,

-is a bit more fussier than...
-There's no God! There ain't no God!

And he's a bit choosier, too,
about who he lets into his heaven.

There's only one heaven!

-Oh, is there?
-Yeah.

Well, if there is,
it don't belong to your Catholic God

and that's for certain sure.

Ah, so, do you think there are
different heavens, do you?

Well, you don't think Our Majesty
the Queen, God bless her,

or any of your royals,
or any bishops, for that matter,

would be seen dead in a Catholic heaven,
do you?

Oh, so I suppose there's
an English heaven then, is there?

And an American heaven?
And an Italian heaven?

-And a French heaven?
-And a black heaven!

A black heaven?

Good. At least I won't
have to spend eternity

with a bunch of geriatric honkies.

And at least I'll be able to play
my music loud, in peace.

-There ain't no heaven.
-Not for you, there might not be, no,

because whether the good Lord
answers her prayers or not...

-Hallelujah!
-Shut up!

The devil's got you booked in already,
don't you worry about that.

You're going to feel his fork up your
backside before you're very much older.

Amen! Hallelujah!

Don't you worry about that!

And see how you like them apples!

Well, we're going to miss you
when you're gone, Mr Garnett,

won't we, Mabel?

Oh, yes! Uh, how long have we got?

-What, till he goes?
-Until he comes back.

We're going tomorrow morning.

Oh, well, have a nice trip,
if it's possible.

I'll be sitting here on my own
with him then.

No, dear, you don't
have to come out with me.

You know something I've
often thought about,

do you have to take the wife with you?

I mean, when you finally pass on,

do you have to join up with her again
for all eternity

or are you allowed a fresh start?

Makes you think, don't it?

Oh dear, I never thought of that.

I mean, that could be awkward
with us marrying again.

I mean, when we get to heaven,

will we have to go back to our
original husbands when we get up there?

Don't know. Don't know what
the Lord's rule is on that.

I mean, if it's divorce or adultery
or fornication,

that's old Nick's fork straight
up your bum and on the fire.

Won't even see heaven.

Let no man put asunder...

But if it's till death do you part,
I think that's allowed.

Yeah, but do you have to go back
to the first husband?

Consummation I think would come into it.

-How much consummation you've given it?
-Eh?

Given her the old...

Not a lot, I wouldn't have thought,
not with...

Probably none at all.

Mind what you're doing with that.

-Well, what is it, anyway?
-The groceries.

Blimey, we're going to Australia
in the morning.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, bloody... I could have spent
that money on duty free.

Why didn't you remind me,
you silly, great pudding?

-Bloody hell!
-Can't let it go to waste.

As you said, there's probably stuff
in there past sell-by date.

Here, let's have a big fry-up.
Take some bottles back.

Yeah, watch the film.

You know, I don't envy you, Mr Garnett.

I read a book about Australia once,
you know.

In the wet season, apparently
the jungle encroaches on you

at the rate of an inch every hour.

And when it's hot and wet,
it can creep in on you overnight.

In this book, it was about this fellow
who went out the back one night

to go to the dunny,
that's what they call the lav out there,

and the jungle came in on him while
he was sitting there doing his business.

When they found him,
they didn't find all of him,

all they found was his leg,
just one leg,

-and that was all that was left of him.
-How did they know it was him?

His wife recognised the darn
in his sock.

I don't envy you going there.

And I think you shouldn't scoff
at insurance going to a place like this.

I've got something here. I think
this'll interest you, Mr Garnett.

Here we are.

"If a croc should eat you,

grieving relatives
will collect £23,000."

The amount you pay for this,
it's very cheap, £4.78.

Now, that's not bad, is it?
You'll want to get him to take this out.

Be better than winning the pools,
wouldn't it?

Well, I mean,
if anything happened to you,

might be handy to have
a bit of insurance.

You see, any of us could take out
a policy on their lives.

Yeah, you wouldn't mind that,
would you, Mr Garnett?

If it don't cost too much
and it's no skin off your nose,

-and you never know, planes do...
-Crash. That's right.

It's a million-to-one chance, right,

that their airplane crashes,
crocs eat them, sharks,

but those million-to-one shots
do come off.

It's long odds, but the stake's low
and it's worth a flutter.

These are better odds than you'd get
on a horse or dog.

-Put me down for a pound.
-I'll have a quid an' all.

Yeah, tell you what, Mr Johnson,
can I put a tenner on that, yeah?

(ALL CHATTERING)

Shall we have a pound on it?
Have a little flutter?

I mean, you never know
our luck, we might win.

You...

Honestly, you're thick as two boards,
you are.

Don't you understand?
It's us they'd be paying out on.

We'd have to be dead to win.

Come on, Arthur.
Like a bloody loony bin in here tonight.

(ARTHUR BELCHING)

Oh, well, rubbish that, innit? Crap.

Think it's bed, eh?

Yes.

It's bed.

Got a long journey tomorrow.

You going then, Arthur?

In a minute.

It's gone 12:00.

Yeah, mustn't keep you up.

I'm tired.

Yeah, me, too.

Been a long day, hasn't it?

Yeah, well, I'll be off in a minute.

-Not very good that, is it?
-No.

-I'm tired, Arthur.
-Go to bed.

-You going?
-In a minute.

He can let himself out.

-Look, I've got to bolt up, ain't I?
-I'll bolt up after him.

I'll bolt up after him.
He's going in a minute.

You going then, Arthur?

In a minute.

Here, I think I've seen this before.

Yeah. If it wasn't this,
it was something very much like it.

He was in it, but I don't think she was.

She's in it now.

Oh, yes, she is.

I don't remember him though.

I remember him. I remember seeing him.

-But not her?
-Not if it's the one I think it is.

Well, she's not new.
I've seen her in things before.

The one I'm thinking of
was a lot taller.

Yeah, well, some of them are taller.

What do you mean, taller?

They're not all as small as they seem.

What is she talking about?
They're all the same size.

No, not all of them.

Look, you can't be taller than
what you are, can you?

Arthur's taller.

What do you...
What do you mean, he's taller, eh?

-How can he be taller?
-He's taller than you are.

All right, he's taller than I am.
He's also taller than you.

He's only as tall as what he is.
He can't grow taller, can he?

No, nor can you.

Look, you said that
she used to be taller.

Not her.

The one who was on there,
you said she used to be taller.

I said, they're not all as small
as they seem.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, Terry Wogan's a lot taller on
Mr Johnson's telly than he is on yours.

Bloody hell! Mr Johnson's got
a bigger screen than ours, that's why!

And Terry Wogan's a lot fatter
on Mr Johnson's telly, too.

-Oh, Gordon Bennett!
-Here, what's going on out here?

What's it got to do with you?

I'm trying to get some sleep in there,
ain't I?

And I'm trying to sleep, too!

You've got a lot of travelling
to do tomorrow.

Don't you tell me what I've got to do!
I know what I've got to do!

I've got to drag
all the way out to Australia

because of her and her bloody brother.
I'm too old for this sort of thing.

Oh, you're too old
for any sort of thing.

If your brother loved you
like he's supposed to love you,

he wouldn't want us to go dragging
all the way out to Australia.

He's giving us money.

Lending us. Lending us, my dear.
Not giving us.

Mr Garnett, can't you argue tomorrow?
I'm trying to get some sleep.

Look, if you don't like it,
you can go sleep somewhere else.

Am I looking forward to you
leaving tomorrow!

Whoo!

Don't you slam my door
or you'll have to sleep somewhere else!

And I don't want no jiggery-pokery
while I'm away neither.

I don't want to come home
to a house full of AIDS.

It's all right, Mr Garnett.
I'm heterosexual.

I don't care what you are.
I don't want to catch it.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Don't slam my bloody door!

I'm turning off the electric
and the gas.

Good night.

It's because he's frightened of flying.

I am not frightened of flying.

Well, why are you so keen to go by boat?

-I like boats.
-It's too slow by boat.

Them boats are fast now.
It's not sailboats.

It takes six weeks by boat.

Well, we're not in any hurry,
so long as we enjoy ourselves.

Boats can sink.

Look, why can't your brother
just send the money over here?

'Cause he's my favourite brother
and he wants to see me get married.

Look, I told you,
he's your only brother,

and if he's so keen on you,
why can't he come over here

and see you get married?

He's got his business to run.
And he's sent the tickets.

Yeah, and we're the ones who've got to
drag all the way out to Australia.

I've got to do all that travelling
out to Australia and I'm tired, I am.

Dead tired.

I'm going to bed.

Are you going, Arthur?

In a minute.

That's the one I mean and she is taller.

They've made her taller in this.

What have they done,
put horse dung in her boots?

-I've not seen her before.
-Oh, you must have. She's been in lots.

Oh, and she was a lot younger, too,
I mean, not like she is now.

No, she was in that, um...
Oh, God, what's its name?

Uh, you know, they took it off.
You remember it.

Oh, you mean the, um... Uh...

-Where she came into the snow?
-Yeah, yeah.

-And he was on the horse?
-Yeah.

-And they went, fell in the snowdrift?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Right up to there?
-Yeah.

-And then she came over?
-Yeah.

No.

I don't remember her in that,
not the one I'm thinking of.

-Well, she used to be his daughter.
-Not his daughter.

Well, she was a lot younger then.
I mean, so was he, if it's the same one.

Look, come on, come on, I don't want
to sit up all night watching telly.

-I think I remember this bit.
-So do I, I think.

-Do you?
-Yeah, I think so.

That's not the one that
used to be her father, is it?

-No, the other one.
-I'm tired.

Go to bed.

I can't, can I?

Not with you and him.

-Why not?
-well, if I go to bed, it's...

-It's you two, innit?
-Us two, what?

You know what I mean.

-Here, if you think...
-No, look, I mean...

It won't be proprietary, will it?

it'll be as proprietary
as I want it to be.

I don't mean that.

I have seen this.
It's him, innit it, the butler?

Oh, gor blimey, no, not him.
I can't stand him.

Oh, I hate him. I don't want him
on my telly. He's banned!

I've banned him.

Here, I'm still watching that.

Not him, you ain't! Not on my telly!

-Our telly!
-Mine!

Listen, when we get married,
the first thing I'm going to do

-is buy my own telly.
-Buy it! Buy it!

Yeah and you won't watch it.

I don't want to watch it, my dear.
I've got my own telly, ain't I?

Yeah, and I'm going to get
a great big screen.

I don't want no dwarves on it.

No, well, you can get a great big
licence of your own, too.

Yeah, I'm fed up looking at midgets.

Yeah and you can buy your own aerial
at the same time.

Yeah, well, I'm going to buy a dish!

(POUNDING ON WALL)

I can bang! I can bang, too!

-Bloody you!
-Oh, I'm going to bed.

You can go on your own to Australia.

Bloody women! What's got up her nose?

Here, you gonna leave that thing on,
blaring all night?

If I want to watch telly, my dear,
I will.

Well, turn it down, can't ya?

(TURNING UP VOLUME)

(POUNDING ON WALL)

Bloody Millwall supporters!
Shut up! Bloody hooligans!

(POUNDING ON CEILING)

Don't you start as well.
Silly, bloody cow.

NEIGHBOUR: Why don't you sod off
to bloody Australia?

Right, bloody fix you, mate.

I'll bloody fix you, mate.
Don't you worry.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Shut up!

-Mr Garnett!
-What?

What's going on?

Trying to be a good neighbour! Listen!

-No, Mr Garnett! No!
-NEIGHBOUR: Millwall!

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

Millwall!

-Two can play at that.
-Millwall!

West Ham!

West Ham!

Millwall!

Up the Hammers!

Come on, you Irons!

# We are Millwall

# We are Millwall #

# I'm forever blowing bubbles

# Pretty bubbles in the air

# They fly so high

# Nearly reach the sky

# Then like Mill... #

You soppy date.

(AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD)

I don't want to go to bloody Australia.

# I'm going to be shot
of that lot down in DHSS

# I've told them all down there
what they can do

# Now I don't give a monkey's
'cause I'm off to have a rest

# Down under in the sun,
50 nuts to you

# 'Cause it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane

# Off to Aussie where they've got
a bob or two

# For richer not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint

# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I do

# Once more, in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #