In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 12 - Mary Tyler Mo - full transcript
[Man] COMING THIS FALL TO
BLACK ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION:
IT'S MARY TYLER MO.
MUR, WHAT GOES BETTER
WITH A FISH "SAMICH"?
GRAPE KOOL-AID OR RED?
THANKS, MUR.
MARY, GET IN HERE. OH!
COMING, MR. GRANT.
YES, MR. GRANT?
MARY, I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT...
SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU. OH.
OH, WELL, MR. GRANT,
YOU'RE STILL NOT, UH,
YOU KNOW, SERIOUS ABOUT
THE "CHOCOLATE FANTASY" THING?
OH, YES, I AM, BUT THAT'S
NOT WHAT I CALLED YOU IN FOR.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO, UH,
GIVE YOU YOUR PINK SLIP.
MR. GRANT, YOU...
YOU... BLUE-EYED DEVIL, YOU.
TED, GET IN HERE.
WHAT IS IT, LOU?
TED, I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT
SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT
THAT "CHOCOLATE FANTASY" THING.
YES, I AM, TED, BUT THAT'S NOT
WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
LOU, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,
BIG GUY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW...
IT'S A PLEASURE
WORKING HERE FOR YOU,
AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING A
GUY COULD HOPE FOR IN A BOSS...
AND A FRIEND.
THAT'S GREAT, TED.
THAT'S NICE. YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU HONKY BASTARD!
WHAT WAS THAT, TED?
I'M SORRY, LOU. I
DIDN'T MEAN IT, LOU.
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT. [Sobbing]
[Man] MARY TYLER
MO... COMING THIS FALL.
- [Laughing]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Laughing]
HI. I'M LOOMIS SIMMONS,
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, YOU
CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL...
NOT WITH ALL THESE HERE
UNWANTED PREGNANCIES,
DISEASES AND ALL
THESE OTHER HOODOOS...
WANTING TO COME BETWEEN YOU AND
YOUR MAIN SQUEEZE, MR. JOHNSON-RONSON.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO PROTECT
YOU WITH THE LOOMIS SIMMONS...
CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM.
TODAY MODERN "WOMENS"
WILL PITCH A FUSS...
AND LEAVE YOU OUT IN THE COLD...
'LESS YOU PUT A RAINCOAT
ON YOUR LITTLE MAN.
GOD BLESS THEIR
TINY LITTLE SOULS.
THAT'S WHERE MY LOOMIS SIMMONS
CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM COME IN.
THE LOOMIS CONDOM
WAS SPECIALLY DESIGNED...
TO FIT SNUGLY ON TO ME,
AND IT KEEPS YOU
SAFE FROM HARM'S WAY...
'CAUSE I'M THE ONE
WHO WEAR IT. [Chuckles]
JUST GIVE ME $100 AND
I'LL TAKE ALL THE RISK.
NOW, YOU MUST BE "AXING,"
"WHERE DO I COME IN, LOOMIS?"
YOU PAY FOR THE HOTEL
ROOM AND WAIT IN THE LOBBY.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE. HERE'S
HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS.
YOU TAKE THE GIRL
OUT FOR DRINKS;
YOU TAKE THE GIRL OUT TO DINNER;
YOU TAKE THE GIRL OUT DANCING;
AND ONCE YOU'RE SURE
SHE'S READY TO GET NASTY,
THEN YOU CALL LOOMIS.
LOOMIS COMES OVER TO YOUR HOUSE.
LOOMIS WEARS THE
CUSTOM-BUILT LOOMIS CONDOM.
LOOMIS HAVE FREAKY
CIRCUS SEX WITH YOUR WOMAN.
THEN LOOMIS LEAVE.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
HELL, YOU CAN
EVEN SIP A SCOTCH...
AND CHEER ME ON, IF
THAT'S YOUR FREAKY THING.
BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
LET'S TALK TO SOME OF MY
SATISFIED "CUSTOMEARS."
I DON'T LIKE WEARING A CONDOM...
BECAUSE I CAN'T FEEL THE
INTENSITY OF THE MOMENT.
NOW, WITH THE LOOMIS
SIMMONS CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM,
I STILL DON'T FEEL NOTHIN',
BUT I DON'T GET ALL
HOT AND SWEATY EITHER.
AFTER I GOT THESE SORES,
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
TRUST A CONDOM AGAIN.
THEN I HEARD ABOUT LOOMIS
SIMMONS' REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY.
NOW I CAN PLEASE THE
LADIES AND PLAY IT SAFE.
[Groans]
[Panting]
GO!
I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE.
CAN I HAVE SOME
OF THAT, MAN? UH...
JUST... JUST KEEP IT, MAN.
THAT'S EXCITING, ISN'T IT?
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY TO ME,
"LOOMIS, WHY WOULD I WANT
A COMPLETE STRANGER...
TO SHARE SUCH AN INTIMATE
MOMENT WITH MY WOMAN FRIEND?"
AND I SAY, "SHUT UP.
"I'M TRYING TO HAVE FREAKY
CIRCUS SEX WITH THEM.
I AIN'T STICKING AROUND TO
CUDDLE. THAT'S YOUR JOB."
LET'S BE HONEST.
THERE'S ONLY SO
MUCH LOOMIS CAN DO.
BUT IF YOU THROW
IN AN EXTRA $40,
I'LL EVEN SMOKE A CIGARETTE WHILE
I'M PUTTING MY THICK AND THINS BACK ON,
FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE.
SO ORDER YOUR LOOMIS
SIMMONS CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM...
AND LEAVE THE DRIVING TO ME.
[Together] WE WANT FOOD. WE WANT
FOOD. SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN.
WE WANT FOOD. WE
WANT... SETTLE DOWN.
SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE.
I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR HEARTS SET ON A
TURKEY DINNER WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS,
BUT WE ALL DECIDED TO GET
THE MOST FOOD FOR OUR MONEY,
AND THAT IS TWO
CANS OF SPAM. [Groans]
AH, BUT WE SPENT THE EXTRA MONEY
WE SAVED ON A SPECIAL TREAT FOR YOU.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SOME IRISH FOLK MUSIC.
SO LET'S GIVE A BIG
HOMELESS SHELTER WELCOME...
TO SHAMUS O'SHANTY O'SHAME.
♪♪ [Acoustic Guitar]
[Belches]
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THERE'S
NOTHING LIKE SINGING ON A FULL STOMACH.
AND MAY YOUR
HOLIDAY TODAY BE FULL...
OF PINK HEARTS, YELLOW MOONS,
BLUE STARS AND GREEN CLOVERS.
HOO-HOO!
I'M GONNA START OFF TODAY WITH A
SONG ABOUT A MAN NAMED FLUTHER...
THE PATRON SAINT OF THE POOR...
AND SEVERE GROIN INJURIES.
AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ OLD FLUTHER TOOK IN THE POOR ♪
♪ HE FED AND CLOTHED
EVERY BUM AT HIS DOOR ♪
♪ HE KEPT 'EM SAFE
AND HE KEPT 'EM WARM ♪
♪ UNTIL HE CONTRACTED
SYPHILIS FROM A DUBLIN WHORE ♪
♪ AND THE SYPHILIS
SPREAD INTO HIS BRAIN ♪
♪ AND OLD FLUTHER
BECAME SLOWLY INSANE ♪
♪ AND ONE DAY ON A COLD NIGHT ♪
♪ HE LEFT ON THE GAS AND
EVERYONE DIED IN THEIR SLEEP ♪♪
AND THAT'S IT.
[Weeping]
YOU'VE GOT TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORE
SENSITIVE. WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT...
HOW ABOUT A SONG
ABOUT LEPRECHAUNS, HUH?
A POT OF GOLD, SONG OF HOPE,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ SHAWN, SHAWN THE LEPRECHAUN ♪
♪ HE LOOKED FOR HIS
GOLD BUT IT WAS GONE ♪
♪ HE LOOKED HIGH
AND HE LOOKED LOW ♪
♪ HE LOOKED OUT ON
THE FREEWAY AND OH, NO ♪
♪ HE GOT HIT BY A BUS
AND KNOCKED RIGHT OUT ♪
♪ OF HIS CUTE LITTLE
BUCKED SHOES ♪
♪ AND HE WAS PARALYZED
FROM THE NECK DOWN ♪
♪ AND MOVED TO A
HOME FOR VEGETABLES ♪
♪ ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ♪
♪ AND ONE NIGHT A CRAZY-ASSED
JANITOR MOLESTED HIM IN HIS SLEEP ♪
♪ AND HE DIED ♪♪
THAT'S IT.
- I NEED A DRINK.
- ONE DAY AT A TIME, BILLY.
NO, MAN, I CAN'T TAKE
ONE SONG AT A TIME.
BYE, BILLY. SEE
YA LATER. [Giggles]
HE WAS OUR BIGGEST
SUCCESS. WELL...
FIVE YEARS OF SOBRIETY
OUT THE WINDOW.
MR. O'SHAME, I IMPLORE YOU, SING
SOMETHING TO LIFT THESE MEN'S SPIRITS.
OKAY, I'VE GOT JUST THE SONG.
YOU, SIR... WHAT'S
YOUR NAME? JERRY.
JERRY! HOW ARE YOU, JERRY?
JERRY, COME ON UP HERE, SON.
JERRY, DO YOU FEEL LIKE THERE'S DAYS
WHERE YOU JUST WANT TO END IT ALL?
YEAH. YES, YOU DO.
OH, BUT WE'VE WORKED
VERY HARD WITH JERRY,
AND HE NOW REALIZES THAT
THERE IS A LOT TO LIVE FOR.
I'M GONNA DEDICATE THIS NEXT SONG
TO YOU. IT'S CALLED "KEEP LOOKIN' UP."
♪ JUST WHEN YOU THINK
THAT YOUR LIFE'S A CURSE ♪
♪ JUST REMEMBER, JER THINGS
COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE ♪
♪ SO YOU LIVE IN A DUMPSTER AND
YOU HAVE CRISCO IN YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ WHEN IT COMES TO LICE,
JER YOU'RE A MILLIONAIRE ♪
♪ AND PEOPLE SHOULD LOVE
YOU BUT THEY PROBABLY DON'T ♪
♪ AND YOUR LUCK MY CHANGE, JER
BUT LET'S FACE IT IT PROBABLY WON'T ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL END UP
HERE IN A MISSION ♪
♪ WITH A BUNCH OF INDIGENT
FREAKS AND YOU'LL CONTRACT T.B. ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL DIE ♪♪
THERE YOU GO. [Laughs]
ARE YOU CRAZY? ALL YOU'RE DOING IS
SINGING SONGS THAT DEPRESS THEM.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
THERE HE IS. GRAB HIM. COME ON.
OH! OH! OKAY, SHAMUS, IT'S
TIME TO GO BACK TO THE HOME.
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- LAST NIGHT THIS TURKEY...
HITCHED A RIDE ON
THE PROZAC TRUCK.
YEAH, WE DIDN'T MISS HIM
UNTIL BED CHECK THIS MORNING.
I'M NO ORDINARY
TURKEY. I'M A BUTTERBALL.
I'M THE KING OF THE BUTTERBALLS.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE...
[Indistinct] GOBBLE,
GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
OOH! OH, MY BREASTS ARE
DELICIOUS AND TENDER. OOH!
INTERRACIAL COUPLES...
DIFFICULT ENOUGH FOR CHILDREN, BUT
WHAT IF ONE PARENT WAS A MAJOR STAR...
AND TREATED YOU LIKE YOU
WERE A MAJOR EMBARRASSMENT?
WHITE HOLLYWOOD,
BLACK CHILDREN...
THAT'S OUR FOCUS
ON TODAY'S GERALDO.
[Cheers, Applause]
WE ARE JOINED BY THE SEED CORN OF
SOME OF AMERICA'S GREATEST STARS.
OUR FIRST GUEST HAS JUST
WRITTEN THIS PAINFUL MEMOIR...
BEAM ME UP, DADDY...
WHICH CHRONICLES
HOW HE WAS SHUNNED...
BY HIS NATURAL FATHER,
WILLIAM SHATNER.
PLEASE WELCOME T.J. SHATNER.
[Cheers, Applause]
[Imitating William Shatner]
THANK YOU, GERALDO.
IT IS INDEED A PLEASURE...
TO BE ON BOARD.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A WALKING
EXAMPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS...
WHEN A GREAT DIRECTOR REDIRECTS
HIS CREATIVE JUICES, IF YOU WILL.
PLEASE WELCOME TONISHA
ALLEN, DAUGHTER OF WOODY ALLEN.
- TONISHA, HELLO.
- [Cheers, Applause]
[Imitating Woody Allen] IT'S, UH, YOU
KNOW, A REAL PLEASURE TO BE HERE,
UH-UH, GERALDO.
I-I BELIEVE IT WAS,
UH, UH, MY FATHER...
OR WAS IT MARTIN LUTHER KING?
WHO SAID, "I HAVE A DREAM."
A-A-AND IN THE DREAM
I'M-I'M BUTT NAKED,
DOING THE NASTY WITH MY RABBI.
OH, UH, AND-AND
THE WORST PART...
IS-IS HE KEEPS ASKING ME
TO TALK DIRTY IN HEBREW.
NOW LET'S MEET OUR LAST GUEST.
I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD
ABOUT THE RECENT BIOGRAPHY...
THAT PAINTS A SHOCKINGLY
PROMISCUOUS PORTRAIT...
OF COMEDY LEGEND BOB HOPE.
TODAY I BRING YOU THE PROGENY
OF ONE SUCH ILLICIT UNION...
THE SON BOB HOPE FATHERED
WITH THE LATE MOMS MABLEY,
DARIUS HOPE.
LET'S HEAR IT. YEAH. HEY.
[Cheers, Applause]
[Imitating Bob Hope] HEY,
HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
THIS IS WILD. I WANNA TELL YOU.
NOW IF I'M CORRECT IN
ASSUMING THIS, YOU ARE ABOUT,
UH, 26 YEARS OLD.
YEAH. HEY, THAT'S WILD.
DARIUS, HAVE YOU EVER
MET YOUR FAMOUS FATHER?
HEY, I SURE DID, GERALDO,
AND I WANNA TELL YOU,
HE EVEN OFFERED ME A JOB.
WAS IS A PERSONAL ASSISTANT
JOB OR A JOKE WRITER POSITION?
HEY, NO. ACTUALLY, HE GAVE
ME A LAMP AND A JOCKEY'S OUTFIT,
AND TOLD ME TO
STAND ON HIS LAWN.
NOT WILD AT ALL.
NOW, TONISHA, HOW
DID YOUR FATHER...
GET TO KNOW YOUR MOTHER?
[Stammering] VERY, VERY WELL,
UH, UH, UH, GERALDO.
IN FACT, IN A WORD, BIBLICALLY.
UH, MY MOTHER WAS THE ONLY
BLACK WOMAN EVER TO APPEAR...
IN A WOODY ALLEN FILM.
OF COURSE, SHE ENDED UP
ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR...
WITH-WITH WOODY ON TOP OF HER.
WELL, WASN'T THAT SWEET?
THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE FOR TODAY.
PLEASE TUNE IN TOMORROW,
WHEN OUR FOCUS WILL BE...
ANOREXIC TRANSSEXUALS AND THE
LESBIAN DWARFS WHO STALK THEM.
ON THE NEXT GERALDO. GOOD NIGHT.
[Cheers, Applause]
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, COME
ON, KEEP MOVING, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE
"A" LIST, BABY, THE "A" LIST.
YOU ON THE "B" LIST, YOU GOTTA
RENT THE VIDEO. CHECK IT OUT.
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING? UH-UH-UH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JIFFY POP. DON'T
FORGET YOUR POPCORN.
♪ POP, POP, POP, POP JIFFY,
JIFFY, JIFFY POP, POP, POP, POP ♪
♪ GONNA GET A POP-TARTS ♪
KELLOGG POP-TARTS.
SHUT UP, MAN. POP, POP.
WHOO. THERE'S GOLD
IN THEM THERE HILLS.
EXCUSE ME, GUYS.
EXCUSE ME, GUYS, BUT WHAT
IS IT THAT A GIRL HAS TO DO...
TO GET INTO THIS
PLACE TONIGHT? [Babbling]
WELL, FIRST GET YOU A
PACKAGE OF CONDOMS,
AND YOU KNOW THAT
MOVIE, DEBBIE DOES DETROIT?
WELL, JUST FORGET ALL
ABOUT THE DETROIT PART.
YEAH, DROP THE DETROIT
AND JUST DO THE DOING.
DREAM ON.
YOU AIN'T ALL THAT SNOOPY.
M-M-M-MILK... IT DOES A BODY GOOD.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
AIN'T THAT... HEY, WAIT. HEY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY,
DOG, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HEY, FREE WILLY.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I-I I'M ON THE LIST. I AM
THE DIRECTOR OF THE FILM.
- YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR
OF THE FILM?
- YES, THE DIRECTOR.
WHAT MIGHT YOUR NAME BE,
SIR? MY NAME IS ALAN SMITHY.
[Babbling] ALAN SMITHY... YOU'RE
THE DIRECTOR OF THE FILM.
WITH A "Y." WITH A "Y"?
YES. JUST LIKE, UH, SPIKE
LEE AND JOHN SINGLETON, HUH?
YEAH, YEAH. JUST
LIKE MATTY RICH...
A-A-AND M-M-MARIO VAN PEABO
BRYSON. YES. THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, THAT'S WRONG, "ALFRED
HITCHBUTT." NOW LOOK.
I KNOW YOU'RE A
CELEBRITY STALKER, MAN,
'CAUSE YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE OBSESSED.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE INSANE. SOMETHING
IS WRONG. UH-HUH, INSANE. THAT'S RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME. I... HEY, HEY,
MAN. I TOLD YOU, MAN.
YOU NEED TO GO SEEK YOU
SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP, PSYCHO.
PSYCHO, LIKE THE
MOVIE, HUH? [Screeching]
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY, HEY. HEY.
YES? COULD I HELP YOU?
ANYWAY, LeVAR BURTON,
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
LENNY AND SQUIGGY, THIS IS
MY PREMIERE. DID THEY TELL YOU?
OH, OH, AND WHO MIGHT YOU
BE? AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?
JOHNNY GILL. [Together]
OH, HE'S JOHNNY GILL.
HE ACT LIKE... ACT
LIKE HE JOHNNY GILL.
I AM THE REAL JOHNNY GILL.
LIKE HE... LIKE YOU... LIKE YOU...
YOU KNOW MICHAEL BIVINS.
YOU DON'T KNOW MICHAEL BIVINS.
OH, YOU JOHNNY GILL, SO YOU THE
ONE WHO SING "MY, MY, MY," HUH?
ABSOLUTELY. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SING "MY, MY, MY"?
[Babbling] HEY, MAN,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU GOT THAT CD OUT, RIGHT,
CALLED A LONG WAY FROM HOME, RIGHT?
[Babbling] YEAH, THAT'S ME.
SEE, THAT'S WRONG. THE ONLY
THING YOU'RE A LONG WAY FROM...
IS BEING JOHNNY GILL, 'CAUSE JOHNNY
GILL IS GOOD LOOKING, HE'S SMART...
AND HE GOT A "S" CURL, AND
YOU AIN'T EVEN CLOSE. YEAH, AND...
OHHH...
WAIT A MINUTE.
AND... AND ON TOP OF THAT,
HE-HE KNOW MICHAEL
BIVINS AND STACY LATTISAW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I DO KNOW YOU.
I THINK I'VE SEEN YOU ON
THE WALL AT THE POST OFFICE.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY. LITTLE MAN...
HI. I'M BURT REYNOLDS.
ALL RIGHT, BURT, GO ON
THROUGH. A-A-A-A-AND...
AND SAY HI TO LONI FOR
ME... IF-IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
YO. NOW, COME ON NOW. IF THAT'S BURT
REYNOLDS, THEN I'M JAMES EARL JONES.
[Stammering] YOU LOOK
LIKE DARTH VADER.
MAN, GET OUT OF MY
WAY. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY, I DONE TOLD YOU. DON'T
BE GETTING UP ON ME. [Babbling]
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT YOU
WANNA DO? YOU WANNA PUT 'EM UP?
YEAH. THE ONLY MOVIE YOU
GONNA SEE IS... I DON'T JUST SING.
I DON'T JUST SING. OH,
YOU DON'T JUST SING?
COME ON. IT'S ON. IT'S ON.
YOU SEE, YOU IN THE
LINE OF A... WHOOPIN'.
JOHNNY! JOHNNY GILL. HELLO.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, THANK YOU.
ALL THE STARS ARE OUT TONIGHT. ARE
YOU EXCITED ABOUT YOUR PREMIERE?
DEFINITELY. THE ONLY THING IS, I'M
JUST TRYING TO GET INTO THE THEATER.
WHY? IS THERE A PROBLEM? NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO. AIN'T NO PROBLEM.
THESE TWO CLOWNS...
NO, NO, NO. THERE...
THERE GO YOUR
PROBLEM, RIGHT THERE.
LOOK AT HIM. THERE HE IS, YEAH.
THAT... THAT'S CYPRESS
HILL, RIGHT THERE.
HE LOOKS... HE LOOKS
EMPTY-HEADED ENOUGH.
I'M SURE HE'S NOT REALLY A
PROBLEM TO EITHER OF YOU.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
YOU-YOU-YOU... YOU DON'T...
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
I BEEN HOME WITH HIM.
BOY GOT SO MANY... HOUSE SO DUSTY,
THE ROACHES RIDE AROUND IN DUNE BUGGIES.
[Woman] ALL RIGHT, WE'LL BE
SURE AND STAY FAR AWAY FROM HIM.
LET'S GO INSIDE, WHERE THE
STAR-STUDDED CROWD AWAITS,
AN ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT EXCLUSIVE.
JOHN... JOHNNY... [Stuttering]
COME HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU DO
SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF,
LIKE... MAYBE WIPE THE
DIRT FROM YOUR NECK?
YOU... YOU KNOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT IN THERE. THAT'S RIGHT.
MAN, YOU AIN'T GOT
TO BE PUSHING ME, MAN.
UH... UH...
I JUST SEEN CUBA
GOODING, JR., IN THERE.
IS THAT RIGHT? WAS
HE OVERACTING?
NO, BUT HE WAS WITH THEM
WHITE BOYS FROM THE MOVIE.
IS THAT RIGHT? YEAH,
EXACTLY. I LOVES JOHNNY GILL.
♪ MY, MY, MY ♪
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT. I'M TWIST.
TONIGHT WE HAVE EPIC
RECORDING ARTIST PATRA,
FEATURING LYN COLLINS
SINGING "THINK" IN THE HOUSE.
♪♪ [R & B]
♪ YOU AND YOU TOO YOU GUYS
KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO ♪
♪ THOSE OF YOU WHO GO OUT AND STAY
OUT ALL NIGHT AND HALF THE NEXT DAY ♪
♪ AND EXPECT US TO BE
HOME WHEN YOU GET THERE ♪
♪ BUT THAT WAS BACK IN
THE DAY SWEET THING ♪
♪ IT'S THE '90s YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SCREAMIN' ♪
♪ COMIN' AT YOU IS THE DANCE
HALL QUEEN PATRA TO TELL YOU ♪
♪ THAT YOU AIN'T
DOIN' NOTHIN' FOR US ♪
♪ THAT WE CAN'T BETTER
DO FOR OURSELVES ♪
♪ SO FROM NOW ON WE'RE
GONNA USE WHAT WE'VE GOT ♪
♪ TO GET WHAT WE WANT SO ♪
WATCH THIS.
[Together] ♪ YOU BETTER THINK ♪
♪ THINK ♪
♪ THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN WE HAD RESPECT ♪
♪ THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN WE HAD RESPECT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE THING I
NEVER WILL FORGET ♪
♪ BUT, BABY I'VE
GOT A LIFE TO LIVE ♪
♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE
THAT I WANT TO GIVE YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ BUT BEFORE I GIVE IT UP ♪
♪ I GOTTA THINK ♪
♪ THINK ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ FUTURE HOLDS FOR ME ♪
♪ IT'S TOO FAR THERE TO SEE ♪
♪ I DON'T NEED NO HEARTACHE ♪
♪ I CAN'T STAND NO MISERY ♪
♪ LET ME THINK ♪
♪ THINK ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ IT TAKES TWO TO
MAKE A THING GO RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ♪
♪ IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE
IT OUT OF SIGHT ♪ WHOO!
♪ WATCH THIS WATCH OUT ♪
♪ HEY YEAH ♪
♪ OH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ LISTEN HERE ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ SKIN KEEPS SOFT
WITH BABY LOTION ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ LIFE IS NO COMPETITION ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ IF IT'S NOT IN YOUR VISION ♪
♪ DON'T MAKE NO DECISION ♪
♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ WATCH OUT ROOM FOR
RENT SO PATRA APPLY WITHIN ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ THE MEN START TO
SING MAYBE AND DREAMIN' ♪
♪ SO I'M LAYING MY
CARDS ON THE TABLE ♪
♪ LAYING MY CARDS ON THE TABLE ♪
♪ WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING
CARE OF ME I KNOW I'M ABLE ♪
♪ I KNOW I'M ABLE ♪
♪ YOU MAY NOT CALL IT TRUE ♪
♪ BUT I WON'T DO NOTHIN'
THAT YOU WON'T DO ♪
♪ SAID I WON'T DO NOTHIN' ♪
♪ SAID I WON'T DO NOTHIN' ♪
♪ THAT YOU WON'T DO ♪
♪ THAT YOU WON'T DO ♪
♪ SO THINK ABOUT
THE RIGHT THING ♪
♪ COME ON NOW ♪
♪ COME ON AND THINK ♪
♪ THINK, THINK, THINK ♪
♪ ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS ♪
♪ COME ON NOW ♪
♪ COME ON AND THINK ♪
♪ COME ON ♪ ♪ ABOUT
ROMANCIN' COME ON AND THINK ♪♪
BLACK ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION:
IT'S MARY TYLER MO.
MUR, WHAT GOES BETTER
WITH A FISH "SAMICH"?
GRAPE KOOL-AID OR RED?
THANKS, MUR.
MARY, GET IN HERE. OH!
COMING, MR. GRANT.
YES, MR. GRANT?
MARY, I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT...
SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU. OH.
OH, WELL, MR. GRANT,
YOU'RE STILL NOT, UH,
YOU KNOW, SERIOUS ABOUT
THE "CHOCOLATE FANTASY" THING?
OH, YES, I AM, BUT THAT'S
NOT WHAT I CALLED YOU IN FOR.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO, UH,
GIVE YOU YOUR PINK SLIP.
MR. GRANT, YOU...
YOU... BLUE-EYED DEVIL, YOU.
TED, GET IN HERE.
WHAT IS IT, LOU?
TED, I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT
SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT
THAT "CHOCOLATE FANTASY" THING.
YES, I AM, TED, BUT THAT'S NOT
WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
LOU, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,
BIG GUY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW...
IT'S A PLEASURE
WORKING HERE FOR YOU,
AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING A
GUY COULD HOPE FOR IN A BOSS...
AND A FRIEND.
THAT'S GREAT, TED.
THAT'S NICE. YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU HONKY BASTARD!
WHAT WAS THAT, TED?
I'M SORRY, LOU. I
DIDN'T MEAN IT, LOU.
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT. [Sobbing]
[Man] MARY TYLER
MO... COMING THIS FALL.
- [Laughing]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Laughing]
HI. I'M LOOMIS SIMMONS,
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, YOU
CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL...
NOT WITH ALL THESE HERE
UNWANTED PREGNANCIES,
DISEASES AND ALL
THESE OTHER HOODOOS...
WANTING TO COME BETWEEN YOU AND
YOUR MAIN SQUEEZE, MR. JOHNSON-RONSON.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO PROTECT
YOU WITH THE LOOMIS SIMMONS...
CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM.
TODAY MODERN "WOMENS"
WILL PITCH A FUSS...
AND LEAVE YOU OUT IN THE COLD...
'LESS YOU PUT A RAINCOAT
ON YOUR LITTLE MAN.
GOD BLESS THEIR
TINY LITTLE SOULS.
THAT'S WHERE MY LOOMIS SIMMONS
CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM COME IN.
THE LOOMIS CONDOM
WAS SPECIALLY DESIGNED...
TO FIT SNUGLY ON TO ME,
AND IT KEEPS YOU
SAFE FROM HARM'S WAY...
'CAUSE I'M THE ONE
WHO WEAR IT. [Chuckles]
JUST GIVE ME $100 AND
I'LL TAKE ALL THE RISK.
NOW, YOU MUST BE "AXING,"
"WHERE DO I COME IN, LOOMIS?"
YOU PAY FOR THE HOTEL
ROOM AND WAIT IN THE LOBBY.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE. HERE'S
HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS.
YOU TAKE THE GIRL
OUT FOR DRINKS;
YOU TAKE THE GIRL OUT TO DINNER;
YOU TAKE THE GIRL OUT DANCING;
AND ONCE YOU'RE SURE
SHE'S READY TO GET NASTY,
THEN YOU CALL LOOMIS.
LOOMIS COMES OVER TO YOUR HOUSE.
LOOMIS WEARS THE
CUSTOM-BUILT LOOMIS CONDOM.
LOOMIS HAVE FREAKY
CIRCUS SEX WITH YOUR WOMAN.
THEN LOOMIS LEAVE.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
HELL, YOU CAN
EVEN SIP A SCOTCH...
AND CHEER ME ON, IF
THAT'S YOUR FREAKY THING.
BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
LET'S TALK TO SOME OF MY
SATISFIED "CUSTOMEARS."
I DON'T LIKE WEARING A CONDOM...
BECAUSE I CAN'T FEEL THE
INTENSITY OF THE MOMENT.
NOW, WITH THE LOOMIS
SIMMONS CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM,
I STILL DON'T FEEL NOTHIN',
BUT I DON'T GET ALL
HOT AND SWEATY EITHER.
AFTER I GOT THESE SORES,
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
TRUST A CONDOM AGAIN.
THEN I HEARD ABOUT LOOMIS
SIMMONS' REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY.
NOW I CAN PLEASE THE
LADIES AND PLAY IT SAFE.
[Groans]
[Panting]
GO!
I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE.
CAN I HAVE SOME
OF THAT, MAN? UH...
JUST... JUST KEEP IT, MAN.
THAT'S EXCITING, ISN'T IT?
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY TO ME,
"LOOMIS, WHY WOULD I WANT
A COMPLETE STRANGER...
TO SHARE SUCH AN INTIMATE
MOMENT WITH MY WOMAN FRIEND?"
AND I SAY, "SHUT UP.
"I'M TRYING TO HAVE FREAKY
CIRCUS SEX WITH THEM.
I AIN'T STICKING AROUND TO
CUDDLE. THAT'S YOUR JOB."
LET'S BE HONEST.
THERE'S ONLY SO
MUCH LOOMIS CAN DO.
BUT IF YOU THROW
IN AN EXTRA $40,
I'LL EVEN SMOKE A CIGARETTE WHILE
I'M PUTTING MY THICK AND THINS BACK ON,
FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE.
SO ORDER YOUR LOOMIS
SIMMONS CUSTOM BUILT CONDOM...
AND LEAVE THE DRIVING TO ME.
[Together] WE WANT FOOD. WE WANT
FOOD. SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN.
WE WANT FOOD. WE
WANT... SETTLE DOWN.
SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE.
I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR HEARTS SET ON A
TURKEY DINNER WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS,
BUT WE ALL DECIDED TO GET
THE MOST FOOD FOR OUR MONEY,
AND THAT IS TWO
CANS OF SPAM. [Groans]
AH, BUT WE SPENT THE EXTRA MONEY
WE SAVED ON A SPECIAL TREAT FOR YOU.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SOME IRISH FOLK MUSIC.
SO LET'S GIVE A BIG
HOMELESS SHELTER WELCOME...
TO SHAMUS O'SHANTY O'SHAME.
♪♪ [Acoustic Guitar]
[Belches]
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THERE'S
NOTHING LIKE SINGING ON A FULL STOMACH.
AND MAY YOUR
HOLIDAY TODAY BE FULL...
OF PINK HEARTS, YELLOW MOONS,
BLUE STARS AND GREEN CLOVERS.
HOO-HOO!
I'M GONNA START OFF TODAY WITH A
SONG ABOUT A MAN NAMED FLUTHER...
THE PATRON SAINT OF THE POOR...
AND SEVERE GROIN INJURIES.
AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ OLD FLUTHER TOOK IN THE POOR ♪
♪ HE FED AND CLOTHED
EVERY BUM AT HIS DOOR ♪
♪ HE KEPT 'EM SAFE
AND HE KEPT 'EM WARM ♪
♪ UNTIL HE CONTRACTED
SYPHILIS FROM A DUBLIN WHORE ♪
♪ AND THE SYPHILIS
SPREAD INTO HIS BRAIN ♪
♪ AND OLD FLUTHER
BECAME SLOWLY INSANE ♪
♪ AND ONE DAY ON A COLD NIGHT ♪
♪ HE LEFT ON THE GAS AND
EVERYONE DIED IN THEIR SLEEP ♪♪
AND THAT'S IT.
[Weeping]
YOU'VE GOT TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORE
SENSITIVE. WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT...
HOW ABOUT A SONG
ABOUT LEPRECHAUNS, HUH?
A POT OF GOLD, SONG OF HOPE,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ SHAWN, SHAWN THE LEPRECHAUN ♪
♪ HE LOOKED FOR HIS
GOLD BUT IT WAS GONE ♪
♪ HE LOOKED HIGH
AND HE LOOKED LOW ♪
♪ HE LOOKED OUT ON
THE FREEWAY AND OH, NO ♪
♪ HE GOT HIT BY A BUS
AND KNOCKED RIGHT OUT ♪
♪ OF HIS CUTE LITTLE
BUCKED SHOES ♪
♪ AND HE WAS PARALYZED
FROM THE NECK DOWN ♪
♪ AND MOVED TO A
HOME FOR VEGETABLES ♪
♪ ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ♪
♪ AND ONE NIGHT A CRAZY-ASSED
JANITOR MOLESTED HIM IN HIS SLEEP ♪
♪ AND HE DIED ♪♪
THAT'S IT.
- I NEED A DRINK.
- ONE DAY AT A TIME, BILLY.
NO, MAN, I CAN'T TAKE
ONE SONG AT A TIME.
BYE, BILLY. SEE
YA LATER. [Giggles]
HE WAS OUR BIGGEST
SUCCESS. WELL...
FIVE YEARS OF SOBRIETY
OUT THE WINDOW.
MR. O'SHAME, I IMPLORE YOU, SING
SOMETHING TO LIFT THESE MEN'S SPIRITS.
OKAY, I'VE GOT JUST THE SONG.
YOU, SIR... WHAT'S
YOUR NAME? JERRY.
JERRY! HOW ARE YOU, JERRY?
JERRY, COME ON UP HERE, SON.
JERRY, DO YOU FEEL LIKE THERE'S DAYS
WHERE YOU JUST WANT TO END IT ALL?
YEAH. YES, YOU DO.
OH, BUT WE'VE WORKED
VERY HARD WITH JERRY,
AND HE NOW REALIZES THAT
THERE IS A LOT TO LIVE FOR.
I'M GONNA DEDICATE THIS NEXT SONG
TO YOU. IT'S CALLED "KEEP LOOKIN' UP."
♪ JUST WHEN YOU THINK
THAT YOUR LIFE'S A CURSE ♪
♪ JUST REMEMBER, JER THINGS
COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE ♪
♪ SO YOU LIVE IN A DUMPSTER AND
YOU HAVE CRISCO IN YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ WHEN IT COMES TO LICE,
JER YOU'RE A MILLIONAIRE ♪
♪ AND PEOPLE SHOULD LOVE
YOU BUT THEY PROBABLY DON'T ♪
♪ AND YOUR LUCK MY CHANGE, JER
BUT LET'S FACE IT IT PROBABLY WON'T ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL END UP
HERE IN A MISSION ♪
♪ WITH A BUNCH OF INDIGENT
FREAKS AND YOU'LL CONTRACT T.B. ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL DIE ♪♪
THERE YOU GO. [Laughs]
ARE YOU CRAZY? ALL YOU'RE DOING IS
SINGING SONGS THAT DEPRESS THEM.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
THERE HE IS. GRAB HIM. COME ON.
OH! OH! OKAY, SHAMUS, IT'S
TIME TO GO BACK TO THE HOME.
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- LAST NIGHT THIS TURKEY...
HITCHED A RIDE ON
THE PROZAC TRUCK.
YEAH, WE DIDN'T MISS HIM
UNTIL BED CHECK THIS MORNING.
I'M NO ORDINARY
TURKEY. I'M A BUTTERBALL.
I'M THE KING OF THE BUTTERBALLS.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE...
[Indistinct] GOBBLE,
GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
OOH! OH, MY BREASTS ARE
DELICIOUS AND TENDER. OOH!
INTERRACIAL COUPLES...
DIFFICULT ENOUGH FOR CHILDREN, BUT
WHAT IF ONE PARENT WAS A MAJOR STAR...
AND TREATED YOU LIKE YOU
WERE A MAJOR EMBARRASSMENT?
WHITE HOLLYWOOD,
BLACK CHILDREN...
THAT'S OUR FOCUS
ON TODAY'S GERALDO.
[Cheers, Applause]
WE ARE JOINED BY THE SEED CORN OF
SOME OF AMERICA'S GREATEST STARS.
OUR FIRST GUEST HAS JUST
WRITTEN THIS PAINFUL MEMOIR...
BEAM ME UP, DADDY...
WHICH CHRONICLES
HOW HE WAS SHUNNED...
BY HIS NATURAL FATHER,
WILLIAM SHATNER.
PLEASE WELCOME T.J. SHATNER.
[Cheers, Applause]
[Imitating William Shatner]
THANK YOU, GERALDO.
IT IS INDEED A PLEASURE...
TO BE ON BOARD.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A WALKING
EXAMPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS...
WHEN A GREAT DIRECTOR REDIRECTS
HIS CREATIVE JUICES, IF YOU WILL.
PLEASE WELCOME TONISHA
ALLEN, DAUGHTER OF WOODY ALLEN.
- TONISHA, HELLO.
- [Cheers, Applause]
[Imitating Woody Allen] IT'S, UH, YOU
KNOW, A REAL PLEASURE TO BE HERE,
UH-UH, GERALDO.
I-I BELIEVE IT WAS,
UH, UH, MY FATHER...
OR WAS IT MARTIN LUTHER KING?
WHO SAID, "I HAVE A DREAM."
A-A-AND IN THE DREAM
I'M-I'M BUTT NAKED,
DOING THE NASTY WITH MY RABBI.
OH, UH, AND-AND
THE WORST PART...
IS-IS HE KEEPS ASKING ME
TO TALK DIRTY IN HEBREW.
NOW LET'S MEET OUR LAST GUEST.
I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD
ABOUT THE RECENT BIOGRAPHY...
THAT PAINTS A SHOCKINGLY
PROMISCUOUS PORTRAIT...
OF COMEDY LEGEND BOB HOPE.
TODAY I BRING YOU THE PROGENY
OF ONE SUCH ILLICIT UNION...
THE SON BOB HOPE FATHERED
WITH THE LATE MOMS MABLEY,
DARIUS HOPE.
LET'S HEAR IT. YEAH. HEY.
[Cheers, Applause]
[Imitating Bob Hope] HEY,
HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
THIS IS WILD. I WANNA TELL YOU.
NOW IF I'M CORRECT IN
ASSUMING THIS, YOU ARE ABOUT,
UH, 26 YEARS OLD.
YEAH. HEY, THAT'S WILD.
DARIUS, HAVE YOU EVER
MET YOUR FAMOUS FATHER?
HEY, I SURE DID, GERALDO,
AND I WANNA TELL YOU,
HE EVEN OFFERED ME A JOB.
WAS IS A PERSONAL ASSISTANT
JOB OR A JOKE WRITER POSITION?
HEY, NO. ACTUALLY, HE GAVE
ME A LAMP AND A JOCKEY'S OUTFIT,
AND TOLD ME TO
STAND ON HIS LAWN.
NOT WILD AT ALL.
NOW, TONISHA, HOW
DID YOUR FATHER...
GET TO KNOW YOUR MOTHER?
[Stammering] VERY, VERY WELL,
UH, UH, UH, GERALDO.
IN FACT, IN A WORD, BIBLICALLY.
UH, MY MOTHER WAS THE ONLY
BLACK WOMAN EVER TO APPEAR...
IN A WOODY ALLEN FILM.
OF COURSE, SHE ENDED UP
ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR...
WITH-WITH WOODY ON TOP OF HER.
WELL, WASN'T THAT SWEET?
THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE FOR TODAY.
PLEASE TUNE IN TOMORROW,
WHEN OUR FOCUS WILL BE...
ANOREXIC TRANSSEXUALS AND THE
LESBIAN DWARFS WHO STALK THEM.
ON THE NEXT GERALDO. GOOD NIGHT.
[Cheers, Applause]
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, COME
ON, KEEP MOVING, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE
"A" LIST, BABY, THE "A" LIST.
YOU ON THE "B" LIST, YOU GOTTA
RENT THE VIDEO. CHECK IT OUT.
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING? UH-UH-UH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JIFFY POP. DON'T
FORGET YOUR POPCORN.
♪ POP, POP, POP, POP JIFFY,
JIFFY, JIFFY POP, POP, POP, POP ♪
♪ GONNA GET A POP-TARTS ♪
KELLOGG POP-TARTS.
SHUT UP, MAN. POP, POP.
WHOO. THERE'S GOLD
IN THEM THERE HILLS.
EXCUSE ME, GUYS.
EXCUSE ME, GUYS, BUT WHAT
IS IT THAT A GIRL HAS TO DO...
TO GET INTO THIS
PLACE TONIGHT? [Babbling]
WELL, FIRST GET YOU A
PACKAGE OF CONDOMS,
AND YOU KNOW THAT
MOVIE, DEBBIE DOES DETROIT?
WELL, JUST FORGET ALL
ABOUT THE DETROIT PART.
YEAH, DROP THE DETROIT
AND JUST DO THE DOING.
DREAM ON.
YOU AIN'T ALL THAT SNOOPY.
M-M-M-MILK... IT DOES A BODY GOOD.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
AIN'T THAT... HEY, WAIT. HEY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY,
DOG, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HEY, FREE WILLY.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I-I I'M ON THE LIST. I AM
THE DIRECTOR OF THE FILM.
- YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR
OF THE FILM?
- YES, THE DIRECTOR.
WHAT MIGHT YOUR NAME BE,
SIR? MY NAME IS ALAN SMITHY.
[Babbling] ALAN SMITHY... YOU'RE
THE DIRECTOR OF THE FILM.
WITH A "Y." WITH A "Y"?
YES. JUST LIKE, UH, SPIKE
LEE AND JOHN SINGLETON, HUH?
YEAH, YEAH. JUST
LIKE MATTY RICH...
A-A-AND M-M-MARIO VAN PEABO
BRYSON. YES. THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, THAT'S WRONG, "ALFRED
HITCHBUTT." NOW LOOK.
I KNOW YOU'RE A
CELEBRITY STALKER, MAN,
'CAUSE YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE OBSESSED.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE INSANE. SOMETHING
IS WRONG. UH-HUH, INSANE. THAT'S RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME. I... HEY, HEY,
MAN. I TOLD YOU, MAN.
YOU NEED TO GO SEEK YOU
SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP, PSYCHO.
PSYCHO, LIKE THE
MOVIE, HUH? [Screeching]
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY, HEY. HEY.
YES? COULD I HELP YOU?
ANYWAY, LeVAR BURTON,
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
LENNY AND SQUIGGY, THIS IS
MY PREMIERE. DID THEY TELL YOU?
OH, OH, AND WHO MIGHT YOU
BE? AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?
JOHNNY GILL. [Together]
OH, HE'S JOHNNY GILL.
HE ACT LIKE... ACT
LIKE HE JOHNNY GILL.
I AM THE REAL JOHNNY GILL.
LIKE HE... LIKE YOU... LIKE YOU...
YOU KNOW MICHAEL BIVINS.
YOU DON'T KNOW MICHAEL BIVINS.
OH, YOU JOHNNY GILL, SO YOU THE
ONE WHO SING "MY, MY, MY," HUH?
ABSOLUTELY. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SING "MY, MY, MY"?
[Babbling] HEY, MAN,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU GOT THAT CD OUT, RIGHT,
CALLED A LONG WAY FROM HOME, RIGHT?
[Babbling] YEAH, THAT'S ME.
SEE, THAT'S WRONG. THE ONLY
THING YOU'RE A LONG WAY FROM...
IS BEING JOHNNY GILL, 'CAUSE JOHNNY
GILL IS GOOD LOOKING, HE'S SMART...
AND HE GOT A "S" CURL, AND
YOU AIN'T EVEN CLOSE. YEAH, AND...
OHHH...
WAIT A MINUTE.
AND... AND ON TOP OF THAT,
HE-HE KNOW MICHAEL
BIVINS AND STACY LATTISAW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I DO KNOW YOU.
I THINK I'VE SEEN YOU ON
THE WALL AT THE POST OFFICE.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY. LITTLE MAN...
HI. I'M BURT REYNOLDS.
ALL RIGHT, BURT, GO ON
THROUGH. A-A-A-A-AND...
AND SAY HI TO LONI FOR
ME... IF-IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
YO. NOW, COME ON NOW. IF THAT'S BURT
REYNOLDS, THEN I'M JAMES EARL JONES.
[Stammering] YOU LOOK
LIKE DARTH VADER.
MAN, GET OUT OF MY
WAY. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY, I DONE TOLD YOU. DON'T
BE GETTING UP ON ME. [Babbling]
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT YOU
WANNA DO? YOU WANNA PUT 'EM UP?
YEAH. THE ONLY MOVIE YOU
GONNA SEE IS... I DON'T JUST SING.
I DON'T JUST SING. OH,
YOU DON'T JUST SING?
COME ON. IT'S ON. IT'S ON.
YOU SEE, YOU IN THE
LINE OF A... WHOOPIN'.
JOHNNY! JOHNNY GILL. HELLO.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, THANK YOU.
ALL THE STARS ARE OUT TONIGHT. ARE
YOU EXCITED ABOUT YOUR PREMIERE?
DEFINITELY. THE ONLY THING IS, I'M
JUST TRYING TO GET INTO THE THEATER.
WHY? IS THERE A PROBLEM? NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO. AIN'T NO PROBLEM.
THESE TWO CLOWNS...
NO, NO, NO. THERE...
THERE GO YOUR
PROBLEM, RIGHT THERE.
LOOK AT HIM. THERE HE IS, YEAH.
THAT... THAT'S CYPRESS
HILL, RIGHT THERE.
HE LOOKS... HE LOOKS
EMPTY-HEADED ENOUGH.
I'M SURE HE'S NOT REALLY A
PROBLEM TO EITHER OF YOU.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
YOU-YOU-YOU... YOU DON'T...
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
I BEEN HOME WITH HIM.
BOY GOT SO MANY... HOUSE SO DUSTY,
THE ROACHES RIDE AROUND IN DUNE BUGGIES.
[Woman] ALL RIGHT, WE'LL BE
SURE AND STAY FAR AWAY FROM HIM.
LET'S GO INSIDE, WHERE THE
STAR-STUDDED CROWD AWAITS,
AN ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT EXCLUSIVE.
JOHN... JOHNNY... [Stuttering]
COME HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU DO
SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF,
LIKE... MAYBE WIPE THE
DIRT FROM YOUR NECK?
YOU... YOU KNOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT IN THERE. THAT'S RIGHT.
MAN, YOU AIN'T GOT
TO BE PUSHING ME, MAN.
UH... UH...
I JUST SEEN CUBA
GOODING, JR., IN THERE.
IS THAT RIGHT? WAS
HE OVERACTING?
NO, BUT HE WAS WITH THEM
WHITE BOYS FROM THE MOVIE.
IS THAT RIGHT? YEAH,
EXACTLY. I LOVES JOHNNY GILL.
♪ MY, MY, MY ♪
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT. I'M TWIST.
TONIGHT WE HAVE EPIC
RECORDING ARTIST PATRA,
FEATURING LYN COLLINS
SINGING "THINK" IN THE HOUSE.
♪♪ [R & B]
♪ YOU AND YOU TOO YOU GUYS
KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO ♪
♪ THOSE OF YOU WHO GO OUT AND STAY
OUT ALL NIGHT AND HALF THE NEXT DAY ♪
♪ AND EXPECT US TO BE
HOME WHEN YOU GET THERE ♪
♪ BUT THAT WAS BACK IN
THE DAY SWEET THING ♪
♪ IT'S THE '90s YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SCREAMIN' ♪
♪ COMIN' AT YOU IS THE DANCE
HALL QUEEN PATRA TO TELL YOU ♪
♪ THAT YOU AIN'T
DOIN' NOTHIN' FOR US ♪
♪ THAT WE CAN'T BETTER
DO FOR OURSELVES ♪
♪ SO FROM NOW ON WE'RE
GONNA USE WHAT WE'VE GOT ♪
♪ TO GET WHAT WE WANT SO ♪
WATCH THIS.
[Together] ♪ YOU BETTER THINK ♪
♪ THINK ♪
♪ THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN WE HAD RESPECT ♪
♪ THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN WE HAD RESPECT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE THING I
NEVER WILL FORGET ♪
♪ BUT, BABY I'VE
GOT A LIFE TO LIVE ♪
♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE
THAT I WANT TO GIVE YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ BUT BEFORE I GIVE IT UP ♪
♪ I GOTTA THINK ♪
♪ THINK ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ FUTURE HOLDS FOR ME ♪
♪ IT'S TOO FAR THERE TO SEE ♪
♪ I DON'T NEED NO HEARTACHE ♪
♪ I CAN'T STAND NO MISERY ♪
♪ LET ME THINK ♪
♪ THINK ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ IT TAKES TWO TO
MAKE A THING GO RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ♪
♪ IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE
IT OUT OF SIGHT ♪ WHOO!
♪ WATCH THIS WATCH OUT ♪
♪ HEY YEAH ♪
♪ OH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ LISTEN HERE ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ SKIN KEEPS SOFT
WITH BABY LOTION ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ LIFE IS NO COMPETITION ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ IF IT'S NOT IN YOUR VISION ♪
♪ DON'T MAKE NO DECISION ♪
♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ WATCH OUT ROOM FOR
RENT SO PATRA APPLY WITHIN ♪
[Indistinct]
♪ THE MEN START TO
SING MAYBE AND DREAMIN' ♪
♪ SO I'M LAYING MY
CARDS ON THE TABLE ♪
♪ LAYING MY CARDS ON THE TABLE ♪
♪ WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING
CARE OF ME I KNOW I'M ABLE ♪
♪ I KNOW I'M ABLE ♪
♪ YOU MAY NOT CALL IT TRUE ♪
♪ BUT I WON'T DO NOTHIN'
THAT YOU WON'T DO ♪
♪ SAID I WON'T DO NOTHIN' ♪
♪ SAID I WON'T DO NOTHIN' ♪
♪ THAT YOU WON'T DO ♪
♪ THAT YOU WON'T DO ♪
♪ SO THINK ABOUT
THE RIGHT THING ♪
♪ COME ON NOW ♪
♪ COME ON AND THINK ♪
♪ THINK, THINK, THINK ♪
♪ ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS ♪
♪ COME ON NOW ♪
♪ COME ON AND THINK ♪
♪ COME ON ♪ ♪ ABOUT
ROMANCIN' COME ON AND THINK ♪♪