In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 18 - Duke and Cornbread Turner - full transcript
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, ♪♪
SAY, NICE LEGS. THANKS.
SOME PEOPLE WERE
BORN WITH GREAT LEGS,
OTHERS WITH GREAT MINDS.
I WASN'T BORN WITH EITHER,
SO I DECIDED TO WORK ON MY LEGS.
I USED TO DO AEROBICS
TILL I DROPPED.
THEN I DISCOVERED
"THIEGH" MASTER.
EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU
SQUEEZE THE THIEGH MASTER,
IT STRENGTHENS AND TONES
JUST WHERE YOU NEED IT.
AND IF YOU DO IT FOR LONG ENOUGH,
YOU START TO FEEL ALL TINGLY.
BUT, BEST OF ALL, WHEN
YOUR WORKOUT'S OVER,
THIEGH MASTER FOLDS
FOR CONVENIENT STORAGE.
BUT HERE'S WHERE
THE FUN REALLY BEGINS.
WITH YOUR NEW IN-SHAPE THIGHS,
YOU CAN DO THINGS YOU
NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE,
LIKE...
RECYCLING.
AND FOR YOU HEALTH
NUTS OUT THERE,
YOUR IN-SHAPE THIGHS
ARE GREAT FOR JUICING.
SO SQUEEZE YOURSELF INTO
A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER YOU.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
THANKS, THIEGH MASTER.
ORDER YOURS TODAY...
AND GET SUZANNE'S BUTT
BUSTER ABSOLUTELY FREE.
GOOD EVENIN', INMATES.
BECAUSE THERE HAVE BEEN
NO ESCAPE ATTEMPTS LATELY,
I AM PREPARED TO REWARD YOU.
NOW, WE HAVEN'T HAD
ANY ENTERTAINMENT HERE...
SINCE WE FREED JAMES BROWN.
BUT TONIGHT, WE HAVE FOR YOU...
THE FINEST BLUES MUSICIAN ALIVE,
IN OUR PRICE RANGE.
SO PLEASE PUT YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER...
AND KEEP 'EM WHERE
WE CAN SEE 'EM...
FOR MR. CALHOUN TUBBS!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM! COME
ON! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, WARDEN.
THANK YOU, FELLAS. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT
TO BE HERE IN PRISON.
BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE
I GET TO GO HOME.
YEAH, I GOT TO SAY, IN A WAY, I
ADMIRE ALL Y'ALL YOUNG MENS...
FOR STICKIN' IT OUT IN HERE.
MATTER OF FACT, I
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ Y'ALL AIN'T HAD
NO SEX IN 15 YEARS ♪
♪ AT LEAST WITHOUT
NO REAL WOMAN ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YO! GET YOUR BEHIND DOWN HERE.
OLD MAN, WE GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
I WAS JUST KIDDIN' WITH
YOU. YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
LET'S TRY SOMETHIN'
DIFFERENT. COME ON. EVERYBODY.
♪ WAVE YOUR
HANDCUFFS IN THE AIR, HA ♪
♪ PRETEND THAT YOU
JUST DON'T CARE ♪♪
- AND, UH...
- YOU STINK, OLD MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU KNOW
WHAT? I REMEMBER YOU.
I REMEMBER YOU
FROM THE HEADLINE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
WROTE A SONG ABOUT YOU.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ THAT INMATE OVER THERE
LOVED HIS FELLOW MAN ♪
♪ ON WHOLE WHEAT AND LETTUCE ♪
♪♪
I GET A HOLD OF YOU, I'M GONNA
MAKE YOU A PUNK! THANK YOU.
WAIT NOW. WAIT NOW. UH-UH, AIN'T
NO NEED TO GET PERSONAL NOW.
'CAUSE I DON'T GO
'ROUND THE SHOP ROOM...
TELLIN' YOU HOW TO
MAKE LICENSE PLATES, DO I?
IT'S OKAY. YOU SEE,
WHAT WE HAVE HERE...
IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE.
PLEASE CONTINUE, MR. TIBBS.
THEY CALL ME MR. TUBBS.
SUIT YOURSELF.
WELL, I GUESS SOME OF Y'ALL GONNA
BE COMIN' OUT OF JAIL PRETTY SOON.
YES, SIR. SO, GOOD LUCK
IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
IT'S PRETTY TOUGH
FINDIN' WORK OUT THERE.
AIN'T WROTE NO SONG ABOUT
THAT, BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ Y'ALL BE BACK IN
PRISON IN NO TIME FLAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE TODD BRIDGES ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪♪
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- YOU DEAD WHEN YOU
GET OUTTA HERE, CALHOUN!
YOU STRAIGHT-UP
DEAD! LOOKEE THERE.
ANOTHER STANDIN' OVATION.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GUARD! GUARD!
ALL RIGHT, DIRTBAGS,
THIS IS MY FINAL WARNIN'.
SETTLE DOWN, OR THERE'LL BE NO
SHOWERING WITH THE LIGHTS OFF.
LOOK HERE. IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR THIS
OLD-TIMER TO HIT THE ROAD ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY I
MAKE MY SONGS SO SHORT.
I GOT TO BE ON MY WAY TO THE
NEXT PLACE TO SPREAD MORE LOVE.
THAT'S WHAT
CALHOUN IS ALL ABOUT.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ WHILE YOU'RE
LOCKED UP IN CAGES ♪
♪ I'M SPANKIN' AND SPANKIN'
YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS ♪♪
THANK YOU. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. I GOT TO GO.
THERE WILL BE A LOCKDOWN!
GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS!
GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS! HEY! HEY,
GIVE ME THAT COAT! GIVE IT TO ME!
YOU'VE ENJOYED SINGERS LIKE WHITNEY
HOUSTON AND MADONNA ON THE BIG SCREEN.
AND NOW FOX PRESENTS ONE OF THE
GREATEST MUSIC LEGENDS OF ALL TIME...
IN HIS FIRST DRAMATIC ROLE.
HONEY, THIS IS A .44 MAGNUM... THE
MOST POWERFUL HANDGUN IN THE WORLD...
SO SHUT UP.
LITTLE RICHARD IS...
DIRTY LITTLE DICK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU
THINKIN' TOO, HUH?
YOU THINKIN', DID I GET
OFF SIX SHOTS OR FIVE?
HONEY, IN ALL THIS EXCITEMENT... GOOD GOLLY,
MISS MOLLY... I KIND OF LOST TRACK MYSELF.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET IT
OVER WITH AND TAKE ME IN?
YOU'RE AN EAGER LITTLE TUTTI
FRUTTI, AIN'T YOU? WELL, SHUT UP.
I'M THE INNOVATOR AND THE MOTIVATOR...
THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS STUFF.
THEY ALL STOLE IT
FROM ME. YES, THEY DID.
COLUMBO, SERPICO,
WONDER WOMAN, KOJAK.
- CHRISTIE LOVE?
- YES, AND THAT HEIFER
GOT MY EARRINGS. COME ON.
HE PLAYED BY HIS OWN
RULES, AND HE PAID THE PRICE.
DANCING ON TOP OF A SQUAD CAR?
PLAYING PIANO AT AN AUTOPSY?
TELLING THE POLICE
COMMISSIONER TO SHUT UP? SHUT UP.
AND NOW I'VE GOT THE MAYOR
BREATHING DOWN MY NECK.
LORD, I GET GOOSE PIMPLES JUST
THINKIN' ABOUT THAT ONE, HONEY.
AND DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING PLAINCLOTHES?
THESE ARE MY PLAIN
CLOTHES. YOU BETTER SHUT UP.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. THAT
IS IT! YOU'RE ON SUSPENSION.
I WANT YOUR BADGE, YOUR
GUN AND YOUR BUSTIER.
OOH. WELL, MAKE MY
DAY, HONEY. ♪ WHOOOO ♪
ONE MORE MISTAKE, AND LITTLE
DICK COULD WIND UP IN THE CAN.
THIS DYNAMITE COULD BLOW
AT ANY MINUTE. TAKE MY HAND.
LOOK, DON'T LET YOUR MOUTH WRITE A
CHECK YOUR BODY CAN'T CASH. SHUT UP.
ONE, TWO...
WHOO! OOH, LORD, HONEY, I
LOVE THE WAY YOU DID THAT.
DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU
YOU LOOK LIKE BILLY PRESTON?
♪ WHOOOO ♪
SHUT UP.
COMING THIS FALL FROM
FOX... DIRTY LITTLE DICK.
♪♪
♪♪
HI. AND WELCOME TO
THE GERALDO SHOW.
I'M HERE WITH JALEEL
WHITE... URKEL...
FROM THE HIT TV SHOW,
UH, FAMILY MATTERS.
JALEEL IS GOING TO TELL US A
HORRIFYING, BEHIND-THE-SCENES TALE...
OF WHAT HOLLYWOOD DOES
TO BLACK CHILD ACTORS.
THAT'S RIGHT, GERALDO. THERE'S MORE TO
BECOMING A BLACK CHILD ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD...
THAN JUST BEING ONE OF
MICHAEL JACKSON'S HAND PUPPETS.
- DO TELL.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT THERE ARE ACTUAL GROWTH-STUNTING
FACTORIES ON HOLLYWOOD BACK LOTS.
THEY CALL 'EM "MIDGET MILLS."
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL 'EM...
WHERE THEY GROW US AND THEY GROOM
US TO BE ON SITCOMS WITH WHITE PARENTS.
AND THEY ONLY DO
THIS TO BLACK ACTORS?
- HOW ABOUT DOOGIE HOWSER?
- WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU WATCHED HIS SHOW?
LAST I SAW DOOGIE, HE
COULD DOUBLE FOR LARRY BIRD.
SWEET KID.
AFTER HEARING JALEEL'S COMPELLING
STORY, WE DECIDED TO TAKE OUR CREW...
AND VISIT ONE OF THESE SO-CALLED
"MIDGET MILLS" OURSELVES.
GARY COLEMAN, EMMANUEL
LEWIS AND RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY...
WERE ALL A PRODUCT
OF THIS ONE MILL...
RIGHT HERE ON THE FOX
LOT IN WEST LOS ANGELES.
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE, GERALDO.
FOLKS, I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE
GOING TO SEE SOMETHING INSIDE.
OKAY, BOYS, BREAK IT
DOWN. IT'S EMMY TIME.
ONE! TWO! THREE!
ONCE INSIDE, THE SQUALOR
WE SAW WAS STUPEFYING.
BLACK CHILD ACTORS EXPLOITED...
RAISED IN BOXES LIKE VEAL...
ONLY FED THEIR RUDIMENTARY MEALS IF
THEY COULD SUCCESSFULLY SAY THE PHRASE,
"WHAT YOU TALKIN'
'BOUT, WILLIS?"
SON, I'M GERALDO RIVERA.
SPEAK TO ME. WHAT'S UP, WILLIS?
GERALDO, GIVE HIM SOME CHEESE
OR SOME OATS OR SOMETHIN'.
IT'S PITIFUL. I'M GONNA CRY.
WHAT'S UP, WILLIS? COULD THE
HORRORS INSIDE BE EVEN MORE INSIDIOUS?
WHAT'S UP, WILLIS? IF I WASN'T
SUCH A STUD, I'D BE AFRAID TO GO ON.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
HE'S GOT ME! HE'S GOT ME!
HANG IN THERE! HANG IN THERE!
KEEP IT ROLLING!
KEEP IT ROLLING!
HANG IN THERE! HANG IN THERE!
THIS IS GOOD TELEVISION!
SMILE WIDER, DAMN IT!
YOU'RE ABOUT AS CUTE AS
TODD BRIDGES WITH A CRACK PIPE.
WHAT YOU TALKIN'
'BOUT, WILLIS? LOUDER!
- WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT,
WILLIS?
- CUTER, DAMN IT!
AND MAKE THE MACAULAY FACE. NOW!
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
MORE! WHAT YOU
TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
- MORE!
- WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT,
WILLIS?
THEN THERE WAS PERHAPS
THE GREATEST HORROR OF ALL.
HELP ME! HELP ME!
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
HELP ME! HELP ME!
UNBELIEVABLE. AN ENTIRE BLACK CHILD
ACTOR RAISED INSIDE A BOTTLE OF YOU-HOO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM A
LAWYER, AND THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
URKEL, SHALL WE SET THEM FREE?
BUT, GERALDO, THEY'LL NEVER BE
ABLE TO SURVIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.
I COULD JUST CRY ABOUT THIS.
THAT'S OKAY, SON. I
COULD USE THE RATINGS.
SO, JOIN US TOMORROW
WHEN MY FOCUS WILL BE...
BREAKING DOWN MY FEMALE
GUESTS AND MAKING THEM CRY,
THEN GROPING THEM FOR
MY OWN TWISTED ENJOYMENT.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. I'M
GERALDO RIVERA. GOOD NIGHT.
OH, GOD! IT'S...
HEY. HI...
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
IT'S OKAY. IT'S ONLY MY NOSE.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT,
WILLIS? IT'S ONLY MY NOSE.
KEEP ROLLING! WHAT
YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
WILLIS, WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WILLIS, WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT? WILLIS!
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
'S RIGHT, SIR. WE
STOPPED HIM AGAIN.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOIN' ON
HERE? WE JUST STOPPED RODNEY KING.
LET'S GET HIM OUT THE CAR.
ALL RIGHT, KING! COME ON OUT!
I GET THE FIRST CRACK AT HIM
THIS TIME. I'M GONNA WHUP HIS ASS.
COME ON! GET ON OUT! HEY.
HEY. I MEAN...
I MEAN, WHAT KING? DANGERFIELD.
WAIT A MINUTE, MAN. IT'S
RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
YO, MAN, WHAT THE
HELL YOU DOIN' HERE?
I JUST MOVED INTO THE
NEIGHBORHOOD. WHAT A NEIGHBORHOOD.
THIS MORNING, I SAW A
GUY ROTATE HIS TIRES...
FROM MY CAR TO HIS.
THEN THEY GAVE A
GUY A 21-GUN SALUTE...
IN HIS BACK.
WHAT A NEIGHBORHOOD. MY
APARTMENT... NOTHIN' BUT ROBBERIES.
EVERY TIME I CLOSE A WINDOW,
I HIT SOMEBODY'S HANDS.
THIS AFTERNOON, THERE WAS
A KNOCK ON MY FRONT DOOR.
I FIGURED I'D PLAY IT SAFE.
I OPENED THE PEEPHOLE.
A GUY REACHED IN AND
GRABBED ME, WITH BOTH HANDS.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON? IT'S
THAT NEW GANG... THE PIT BULLS.
THE PIT BULLS? WE NEED TO GET
OUTTA HERE. COME ON, RODNEY. LET'S GO.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO, PUT ME IN JAIL?
NO. WE GONNA TAKE
YOU HOME TO YOUR WIFE.
DO ME A FAVOR, WILL
YOU? PUT ME IN JAIL.
NO. COME ON, RODNEY.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
PLEASE! YOU NEVER SAW MY WIFE. I
TOOK HER TO A DOG SHOW. SHE WON.
TAKE IT EASY, WILL
YOU? COME ON, WILL YOU?
MY WIFE... TAKE ME AWAY, WILL YA?
AND, MAN, SHE'S FAT TOO. AND I MEAN FAT.
TO HAVE SEX WITH HER, YOU GOTTA
SLAP HER THIGH AND RIDE THE WAVE IN.
I MEAN FAT.
COME ON, RODNEY. GET
IN THE CAR. GET IN THE CAR.
I TELL YOU, IT'S THE
STORY OF MY LIFE.
NO RESPECT. I DON'T
GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
NO RESPECT AT ALL.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON,
RODNEY. ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
I CALLED UP AT&T. THEY
WON'T TAKE ME BACK.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
♪♪
♪ GET OFF YOUR OWN N-U-T's ♪
♪ OH, YOU KNOW
WE UP IN THE CLUB ♪
♪ UP IN THE CLUB
SIPPIN' ON BUD ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WE TWISTIN' IT UP ♪
♪ YEAH, COME ON ♪ ♪ OH,
YOU KNOW WE HAVIN' SOME FUN ♪
♪ HAVIN' SOME FUN SLAMMIN' FUN ♪
♪ LET'S GO BALLISTIC ♪
♪ ONE MORE RUN ♪
♪ HERE WE GO ♪ ♪ SMOKIN',
DRINKIN' SMOKIN', DRINKIN' ♪
♪ SMOKIN', DRINKIN' WHAT ♪
♪ SMOKIN', DRINKIN'
SMOKIN', DRINKIN' ♪
♪ SMOKIN', DRINKIN' WHAT ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT THE SISTERS PUMPED
AFTER-HOURS, BABY WHERE THEY LOVE TO DUNK ♪
♪ SAY WHAT ♪♪
HONEY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR
HELPING US WITH OUR GARAGE SALE.
THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA SELL ALL THIS STUFF.
THERE MUST BE YEARS AND YEARS OF
MEMORIES IN EACH ONE OF THESE THINGS.
OH, MATERIAL THINGS AIN'T IMPORTANT
LONG AS YOU GOT EACH OTHER.
THE FLAMES MAY HAVE DIED DOWN,
BUT THE EMBERS IS STILL
SMOULDERIN' RED HOT.
- AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS...
- WE STILL TOGETHER.
WELL, GOOD LUCK ON
YOUR GARAGE SALE.
THAT WOMAN TOUCHIN'
ME LIKE SHE KNOW ME.
YOU KNOW, MRS. BROOKS,
LOOKIN' AROUND AT ALL THIS
DUSTY, FUNK-STANK THINGS...
MAKE ME WONDER WHY YOUR
DRAWERS AIN'T UP FOR SALE.
WHY, THAT'S VERY PERCEPTIVE
OF YOU, MR. BROOKS.
BUT YOU SHOULD BE THE
ONE TO TALK ABOUT STANK.
THE ONLY REASON YOUR
TOENAILS ARE INGROWN...
'CAUSE THEY TRYIN' TO
GET AWAY FROM THE FUNK.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE
AND PICK UP THAT PAINTIN' OF MY MAMA?
WELL, I WOULDN'T MIND DOIN'
THAT AT ALL, MRS. BROOKS.
NOT AT ALL, MRS. BROOKS.
BUT LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
NOW, WHY WOULD ANYONE PAY $25...
FOR A PICTURE OF
YOUR UGLY-ASS MAMA...
WHEN THEY COULD RENT
HER FOR 10 BUCKS AN HOUR?
MRS. BROOKS, NOW,
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
WHAT, YOU TRYIN' TO TRIM THEM DAMN
DREADLOCKS IN YOUR NOSE HAIRS THERE?
THAT'S STRANGE, MR. BROOKS,
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT A PERSON'S
GROOMIN' HABITS. UH-HUH?
WHY, YOUR BREATH IS SO FUNKY, WHEN
YOU SMOKE, YOU BLOW ONION RINGS.
OH, WATCH IT. WATCH IT.
WELL, SINCE YOU BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO BRING
UP MY PHYSICAL SHORTCOMINGS, MRS. BROOKS,
YOU GOT SO MUCH
CELLULITE ON YOUR BUTT,
LOOK LIKE YOU DONE GOT
SPANKED WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
LOOK HERE, MRS. BROOKS. NOW,
BEFORE WE CAN PRICE THIS MOWER,
I BELIEVE WE SHOULD KNOW
HOW SHARP THE BLADE IS.
WOULD YOU MIND REACHIN'
IN AND GETTIN' A FEEL FOR IT?
WHY, SURE, MR. BROOKS. LET ME GET
ON IN HERE AND SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
WHAT... HEY! OH!
OH, SORRY ABOUT
THAT, MRS. BROOKS.
I SUPPOSE THE LAWN MOWER
GOT A MIND OF ITS OWN.
WELL, AT LEAST IT'S
GOT A MIND, MR. BROOKS.
YOUR I.Q. IS SO LOW, THE ONLY WAY THEY
COULD BRAINWASH YOU IS WITH AN ENEMA.
OH, WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT.
WATCH OUT NOW. I WOULDN'T BE THE
ONE TO TALK ABOUT SMARTS, MRS. BROOKS.
WHY, YOU SO DUMB, YOU
THOUGHT SOMALIA AND ZIMBABWE...
WERE THE NAME OF THEM TWO OL'
UGLY GRANDCHILDREN OF YOURS.
MR. BROOKS, YOU REALLY AREN'T
GONNA SELL THIS HERE RECLINER, ARE YOU?
OH, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. I LOVE
THAT CHAIR NOW, MRS. BROOKS.
MM-HMM. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY
GOOD NAPS I DONE HAD RIGHT HERE.
WELL, MR. BROOKS, WHY
DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?
WELL, I BELIEVE I... AND JUST TURN THAT
HANDLE ON THE SIDE TO GET YOUR FEET UP.
UH-HUH. DON'T MIND IF I DO.
LORD, HAVE MER... I BELIEVE
IT'S STUCK. WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
WELL, LOOK HERE, MRS.
BROOKS. IT'S MY FIRST CAMERA.
NOW, MR. BROOKS, WHAT
DO YOU NEED A CAMERA FOR?
THE ONLY FILM YOU'VE EVER DEVELOPED
IS ON THEM LITTLE GIBLETS YOU CALL TEETH.
WATCH IT NOW, WOMAN.
LOOK HERE, MRS. BROOKS.
WHY DON'T YOU
STAND RIGHT HERE...
AND LET ME GET A
NICE PICTURE OF YOU?
WHY, SURE, MR. BROOKS. UH-HUH.
NOW JUST SAY "CHEESE." WAIT.
WAIT. LET ME FIX MY MAKEUP.
OOH! YOU DONE DONE
IT NOW, MR. BROOKS.
THIS MAY NOT BE TEXAS,
BUT PREPARE FOR THE
CHAINSAW MASSACRE. OH, YEAH?
THIS MAY NOT BE FRIDAY THE 13th,
BUT IT'S STILL GONNA
BE YOUR UNLUCKY DAY.
- NOW, WOMAN,
WHERE YOU WANT IT?
- I DON'T KNOW, MR. BROOKS.
SINCE I BEEN WITH
YOU, I AIN'T NEVER HAD IT.
LOOK OUT. COME ON AND GET IT.
I'M GONNA SLICE YOU UP AND SERVE
YOU LIKE UGLY ON THE HALF SHELL.
COME ON.
OH, YEAH, I GOT NEWS
FOR YOU, MRS. BROOKS.
- I'M GONNA DANCE
ON YOUR GRAVE.
- OH!
IN THAT CASE, YOU
BETTER BURY ME AT SEA.
SO, HOW'S THAT
GARAGE SALE GOIN'?
OH, MY GOODNESS.
IN THE DRIVEWAY?
WE STILL TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. THIS IS
GARRETT MORRIS. AND CHRIS ROCK.
WE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD
NIGHT ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO...
AND FINALLY NOW WE'RE
GETTIN' THE CHANCE.
WE'RE GONNA GET OUR ONE
AND ONLY BREAK... MAN, SHUT UP.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
♪♪
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, ♪♪
SAY, NICE LEGS. THANKS.
SOME PEOPLE WERE
BORN WITH GREAT LEGS,
OTHERS WITH GREAT MINDS.
I WASN'T BORN WITH EITHER,
SO I DECIDED TO WORK ON MY LEGS.
I USED TO DO AEROBICS
TILL I DROPPED.
THEN I DISCOVERED
"THIEGH" MASTER.
EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU
SQUEEZE THE THIEGH MASTER,
IT STRENGTHENS AND TONES
JUST WHERE YOU NEED IT.
AND IF YOU DO IT FOR LONG ENOUGH,
YOU START TO FEEL ALL TINGLY.
BUT, BEST OF ALL, WHEN
YOUR WORKOUT'S OVER,
THIEGH MASTER FOLDS
FOR CONVENIENT STORAGE.
BUT HERE'S WHERE
THE FUN REALLY BEGINS.
WITH YOUR NEW IN-SHAPE THIGHS,
YOU CAN DO THINGS YOU
NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE,
LIKE...
RECYCLING.
AND FOR YOU HEALTH
NUTS OUT THERE,
YOUR IN-SHAPE THIGHS
ARE GREAT FOR JUICING.
SO SQUEEZE YOURSELF INTO
A HAPPIER, HEALTHIER YOU.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
THANKS, THIEGH MASTER.
ORDER YOURS TODAY...
AND GET SUZANNE'S BUTT
BUSTER ABSOLUTELY FREE.
GOOD EVENIN', INMATES.
BECAUSE THERE HAVE BEEN
NO ESCAPE ATTEMPTS LATELY,
I AM PREPARED TO REWARD YOU.
NOW, WE HAVEN'T HAD
ANY ENTERTAINMENT HERE...
SINCE WE FREED JAMES BROWN.
BUT TONIGHT, WE HAVE FOR YOU...
THE FINEST BLUES MUSICIAN ALIVE,
IN OUR PRICE RANGE.
SO PLEASE PUT YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER...
AND KEEP 'EM WHERE
WE CAN SEE 'EM...
FOR MR. CALHOUN TUBBS!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM! COME
ON! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, WARDEN.
THANK YOU, FELLAS. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT
TO BE HERE IN PRISON.
BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE
I GET TO GO HOME.
YEAH, I GOT TO SAY, IN A WAY, I
ADMIRE ALL Y'ALL YOUNG MENS...
FOR STICKIN' IT OUT IN HERE.
MATTER OF FACT, I
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ Y'ALL AIN'T HAD
NO SEX IN 15 YEARS ♪
♪ AT LEAST WITHOUT
NO REAL WOMAN ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YO! GET YOUR BEHIND DOWN HERE.
OLD MAN, WE GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
I WAS JUST KIDDIN' WITH
YOU. YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
LET'S TRY SOMETHIN'
DIFFERENT. COME ON. EVERYBODY.
♪ WAVE YOUR
HANDCUFFS IN THE AIR, HA ♪
♪ PRETEND THAT YOU
JUST DON'T CARE ♪♪
- AND, UH...
- YOU STINK, OLD MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU KNOW
WHAT? I REMEMBER YOU.
I REMEMBER YOU
FROM THE HEADLINE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
WROTE A SONG ABOUT YOU.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ THAT INMATE OVER THERE
LOVED HIS FELLOW MAN ♪
♪ ON WHOLE WHEAT AND LETTUCE ♪
♪♪
I GET A HOLD OF YOU, I'M GONNA
MAKE YOU A PUNK! THANK YOU.
WAIT NOW. WAIT NOW. UH-UH, AIN'T
NO NEED TO GET PERSONAL NOW.
'CAUSE I DON'T GO
'ROUND THE SHOP ROOM...
TELLIN' YOU HOW TO
MAKE LICENSE PLATES, DO I?
IT'S OKAY. YOU SEE,
WHAT WE HAVE HERE...
IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE.
PLEASE CONTINUE, MR. TIBBS.
THEY CALL ME MR. TUBBS.
SUIT YOURSELF.
WELL, I GUESS SOME OF Y'ALL GONNA
BE COMIN' OUT OF JAIL PRETTY SOON.
YES, SIR. SO, GOOD LUCK
IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
IT'S PRETTY TOUGH
FINDIN' WORK OUT THERE.
AIN'T WROTE NO SONG ABOUT
THAT, BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ Y'ALL BE BACK IN
PRISON IN NO TIME FLAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE TODD BRIDGES ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪♪
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- YOU DEAD WHEN YOU
GET OUTTA HERE, CALHOUN!
YOU STRAIGHT-UP
DEAD! LOOKEE THERE.
ANOTHER STANDIN' OVATION.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GUARD! GUARD!
ALL RIGHT, DIRTBAGS,
THIS IS MY FINAL WARNIN'.
SETTLE DOWN, OR THERE'LL BE NO
SHOWERING WITH THE LIGHTS OFF.
LOOK HERE. IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR THIS
OLD-TIMER TO HIT THE ROAD ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY I
MAKE MY SONGS SO SHORT.
I GOT TO BE ON MY WAY TO THE
NEXT PLACE TO SPREAD MORE LOVE.
THAT'S WHAT
CALHOUN IS ALL ABOUT.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ WHILE YOU'RE
LOCKED UP IN CAGES ♪
♪ I'M SPANKIN' AND SPANKIN'
YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS ♪♪
THANK YOU. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. I GOT TO GO.
THERE WILL BE A LOCKDOWN!
GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS!
GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS! HEY! HEY,
GIVE ME THAT COAT! GIVE IT TO ME!
YOU'VE ENJOYED SINGERS LIKE WHITNEY
HOUSTON AND MADONNA ON THE BIG SCREEN.
AND NOW FOX PRESENTS ONE OF THE
GREATEST MUSIC LEGENDS OF ALL TIME...
IN HIS FIRST DRAMATIC ROLE.
HONEY, THIS IS A .44 MAGNUM... THE
MOST POWERFUL HANDGUN IN THE WORLD...
SO SHUT UP.
LITTLE RICHARD IS...
DIRTY LITTLE DICK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU
THINKIN' TOO, HUH?
YOU THINKIN', DID I GET
OFF SIX SHOTS OR FIVE?
HONEY, IN ALL THIS EXCITEMENT... GOOD GOLLY,
MISS MOLLY... I KIND OF LOST TRACK MYSELF.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET IT
OVER WITH AND TAKE ME IN?
YOU'RE AN EAGER LITTLE TUTTI
FRUTTI, AIN'T YOU? WELL, SHUT UP.
I'M THE INNOVATOR AND THE MOTIVATOR...
THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS STUFF.
THEY ALL STOLE IT
FROM ME. YES, THEY DID.
COLUMBO, SERPICO,
WONDER WOMAN, KOJAK.
- CHRISTIE LOVE?
- YES, AND THAT HEIFER
GOT MY EARRINGS. COME ON.
HE PLAYED BY HIS OWN
RULES, AND HE PAID THE PRICE.
DANCING ON TOP OF A SQUAD CAR?
PLAYING PIANO AT AN AUTOPSY?
TELLING THE POLICE
COMMISSIONER TO SHUT UP? SHUT UP.
AND NOW I'VE GOT THE MAYOR
BREATHING DOWN MY NECK.
LORD, I GET GOOSE PIMPLES JUST
THINKIN' ABOUT THAT ONE, HONEY.
AND DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING PLAINCLOTHES?
THESE ARE MY PLAIN
CLOTHES. YOU BETTER SHUT UP.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. THAT
IS IT! YOU'RE ON SUSPENSION.
I WANT YOUR BADGE, YOUR
GUN AND YOUR BUSTIER.
OOH. WELL, MAKE MY
DAY, HONEY. ♪ WHOOOO ♪
ONE MORE MISTAKE, AND LITTLE
DICK COULD WIND UP IN THE CAN.
THIS DYNAMITE COULD BLOW
AT ANY MINUTE. TAKE MY HAND.
LOOK, DON'T LET YOUR MOUTH WRITE A
CHECK YOUR BODY CAN'T CASH. SHUT UP.
ONE, TWO...
WHOO! OOH, LORD, HONEY, I
LOVE THE WAY YOU DID THAT.
DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU
YOU LOOK LIKE BILLY PRESTON?
♪ WHOOOO ♪
SHUT UP.
COMING THIS FALL FROM
FOX... DIRTY LITTLE DICK.
♪♪
♪♪
HI. AND WELCOME TO
THE GERALDO SHOW.
I'M HERE WITH JALEEL
WHITE... URKEL...
FROM THE HIT TV SHOW,
UH, FAMILY MATTERS.
JALEEL IS GOING TO TELL US A
HORRIFYING, BEHIND-THE-SCENES TALE...
OF WHAT HOLLYWOOD DOES
TO BLACK CHILD ACTORS.
THAT'S RIGHT, GERALDO. THERE'S MORE TO
BECOMING A BLACK CHILD ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD...
THAN JUST BEING ONE OF
MICHAEL JACKSON'S HAND PUPPETS.
- DO TELL.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT THERE ARE ACTUAL GROWTH-STUNTING
FACTORIES ON HOLLYWOOD BACK LOTS.
THEY CALL 'EM "MIDGET MILLS."
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL 'EM...
WHERE THEY GROW US AND THEY GROOM
US TO BE ON SITCOMS WITH WHITE PARENTS.
AND THEY ONLY DO
THIS TO BLACK ACTORS?
- HOW ABOUT DOOGIE HOWSER?
- WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU WATCHED HIS SHOW?
LAST I SAW DOOGIE, HE
COULD DOUBLE FOR LARRY BIRD.
SWEET KID.
AFTER HEARING JALEEL'S COMPELLING
STORY, WE DECIDED TO TAKE OUR CREW...
AND VISIT ONE OF THESE SO-CALLED
"MIDGET MILLS" OURSELVES.
GARY COLEMAN, EMMANUEL
LEWIS AND RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY...
WERE ALL A PRODUCT
OF THIS ONE MILL...
RIGHT HERE ON THE FOX
LOT IN WEST LOS ANGELES.
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE, GERALDO.
FOLKS, I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE
GOING TO SEE SOMETHING INSIDE.
OKAY, BOYS, BREAK IT
DOWN. IT'S EMMY TIME.
ONE! TWO! THREE!
ONCE INSIDE, THE SQUALOR
WE SAW WAS STUPEFYING.
BLACK CHILD ACTORS EXPLOITED...
RAISED IN BOXES LIKE VEAL...
ONLY FED THEIR RUDIMENTARY MEALS IF
THEY COULD SUCCESSFULLY SAY THE PHRASE,
"WHAT YOU TALKIN'
'BOUT, WILLIS?"
SON, I'M GERALDO RIVERA.
SPEAK TO ME. WHAT'S UP, WILLIS?
GERALDO, GIVE HIM SOME CHEESE
OR SOME OATS OR SOMETHIN'.
IT'S PITIFUL. I'M GONNA CRY.
WHAT'S UP, WILLIS? COULD THE
HORRORS INSIDE BE EVEN MORE INSIDIOUS?
WHAT'S UP, WILLIS? IF I WASN'T
SUCH A STUD, I'D BE AFRAID TO GO ON.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
HE'S GOT ME! HE'S GOT ME!
HANG IN THERE! HANG IN THERE!
KEEP IT ROLLING!
KEEP IT ROLLING!
HANG IN THERE! HANG IN THERE!
THIS IS GOOD TELEVISION!
SMILE WIDER, DAMN IT!
YOU'RE ABOUT AS CUTE AS
TODD BRIDGES WITH A CRACK PIPE.
WHAT YOU TALKIN'
'BOUT, WILLIS? LOUDER!
- WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT,
WILLIS?
- CUTER, DAMN IT!
AND MAKE THE MACAULAY FACE. NOW!
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
MORE! WHAT YOU
TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
- MORE!
- WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT,
WILLIS?
THEN THERE WAS PERHAPS
THE GREATEST HORROR OF ALL.
HELP ME! HELP ME!
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
HELP ME! HELP ME!
UNBELIEVABLE. AN ENTIRE BLACK CHILD
ACTOR RAISED INSIDE A BOTTLE OF YOU-HOO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM A
LAWYER, AND THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
URKEL, SHALL WE SET THEM FREE?
BUT, GERALDO, THEY'LL NEVER BE
ABLE TO SURVIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.
I COULD JUST CRY ABOUT THIS.
THAT'S OKAY, SON. I
COULD USE THE RATINGS.
SO, JOIN US TOMORROW
WHEN MY FOCUS WILL BE...
BREAKING DOWN MY FEMALE
GUESTS AND MAKING THEM CRY,
THEN GROPING THEM FOR
MY OWN TWISTED ENJOYMENT.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. I'M
GERALDO RIVERA. GOOD NIGHT.
OH, GOD! IT'S...
HEY. HI...
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
IT'S OKAY. IT'S ONLY MY NOSE.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT,
WILLIS? IT'S ONLY MY NOSE.
KEEP ROLLING! WHAT
YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
WILLIS, WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WILLIS, WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT? WILLIS!
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?
'S RIGHT, SIR. WE
STOPPED HIM AGAIN.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOIN' ON
HERE? WE JUST STOPPED RODNEY KING.
LET'S GET HIM OUT THE CAR.
ALL RIGHT, KING! COME ON OUT!
I GET THE FIRST CRACK AT HIM
THIS TIME. I'M GONNA WHUP HIS ASS.
COME ON! GET ON OUT! HEY.
HEY. I MEAN...
I MEAN, WHAT KING? DANGERFIELD.
WAIT A MINUTE, MAN. IT'S
RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
YO, MAN, WHAT THE
HELL YOU DOIN' HERE?
I JUST MOVED INTO THE
NEIGHBORHOOD. WHAT A NEIGHBORHOOD.
THIS MORNING, I SAW A
GUY ROTATE HIS TIRES...
FROM MY CAR TO HIS.
THEN THEY GAVE A
GUY A 21-GUN SALUTE...
IN HIS BACK.
WHAT A NEIGHBORHOOD. MY
APARTMENT... NOTHIN' BUT ROBBERIES.
EVERY TIME I CLOSE A WINDOW,
I HIT SOMEBODY'S HANDS.
THIS AFTERNOON, THERE WAS
A KNOCK ON MY FRONT DOOR.
I FIGURED I'D PLAY IT SAFE.
I OPENED THE PEEPHOLE.
A GUY REACHED IN AND
GRABBED ME, WITH BOTH HANDS.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON? IT'S
THAT NEW GANG... THE PIT BULLS.
THE PIT BULLS? WE NEED TO GET
OUTTA HERE. COME ON, RODNEY. LET'S GO.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO, PUT ME IN JAIL?
NO. WE GONNA TAKE
YOU HOME TO YOUR WIFE.
DO ME A FAVOR, WILL
YOU? PUT ME IN JAIL.
NO. COME ON, RODNEY.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
PLEASE! YOU NEVER SAW MY WIFE. I
TOOK HER TO A DOG SHOW. SHE WON.
TAKE IT EASY, WILL
YOU? COME ON, WILL YOU?
MY WIFE... TAKE ME AWAY, WILL YA?
AND, MAN, SHE'S FAT TOO. AND I MEAN FAT.
TO HAVE SEX WITH HER, YOU GOTTA
SLAP HER THIGH AND RIDE THE WAVE IN.
I MEAN FAT.
COME ON, RODNEY. GET
IN THE CAR. GET IN THE CAR.
I TELL YOU, IT'S THE
STORY OF MY LIFE.
NO RESPECT. I DON'T
GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
NO RESPECT AT ALL.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON,
RODNEY. ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
I CALLED UP AT&T. THEY
WON'T TAKE ME BACK.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
♪♪
♪ GET OFF YOUR OWN N-U-T's ♪
♪ OH, YOU KNOW
WE UP IN THE CLUB ♪
♪ UP IN THE CLUB
SIPPIN' ON BUD ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WE TWISTIN' IT UP ♪
♪ YEAH, COME ON ♪ ♪ OH,
YOU KNOW WE HAVIN' SOME FUN ♪
♪ HAVIN' SOME FUN SLAMMIN' FUN ♪
♪ LET'S GO BALLISTIC ♪
♪ ONE MORE RUN ♪
♪ HERE WE GO ♪ ♪ SMOKIN',
DRINKIN' SMOKIN', DRINKIN' ♪
♪ SMOKIN', DRINKIN' WHAT ♪
♪ SMOKIN', DRINKIN'
SMOKIN', DRINKIN' ♪
♪ SMOKIN', DRINKIN' WHAT ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT THE SISTERS PUMPED
AFTER-HOURS, BABY WHERE THEY LOVE TO DUNK ♪
♪ SAY WHAT ♪♪
HONEY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR
HELPING US WITH OUR GARAGE SALE.
THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA SELL ALL THIS STUFF.
THERE MUST BE YEARS AND YEARS OF
MEMORIES IN EACH ONE OF THESE THINGS.
OH, MATERIAL THINGS AIN'T IMPORTANT
LONG AS YOU GOT EACH OTHER.
THE FLAMES MAY HAVE DIED DOWN,
BUT THE EMBERS IS STILL
SMOULDERIN' RED HOT.
- AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS...
- WE STILL TOGETHER.
WELL, GOOD LUCK ON
YOUR GARAGE SALE.
THAT WOMAN TOUCHIN'
ME LIKE SHE KNOW ME.
YOU KNOW, MRS. BROOKS,
LOOKIN' AROUND AT ALL THIS
DUSTY, FUNK-STANK THINGS...
MAKE ME WONDER WHY YOUR
DRAWERS AIN'T UP FOR SALE.
WHY, THAT'S VERY PERCEPTIVE
OF YOU, MR. BROOKS.
BUT YOU SHOULD BE THE
ONE TO TALK ABOUT STANK.
THE ONLY REASON YOUR
TOENAILS ARE INGROWN...
'CAUSE THEY TRYIN' TO
GET AWAY FROM THE FUNK.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE
AND PICK UP THAT PAINTIN' OF MY MAMA?
WELL, I WOULDN'T MIND DOIN'
THAT AT ALL, MRS. BROOKS.
NOT AT ALL, MRS. BROOKS.
BUT LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
NOW, WHY WOULD ANYONE PAY $25...
FOR A PICTURE OF
YOUR UGLY-ASS MAMA...
WHEN THEY COULD RENT
HER FOR 10 BUCKS AN HOUR?
MRS. BROOKS, NOW,
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
WHAT, YOU TRYIN' TO TRIM THEM DAMN
DREADLOCKS IN YOUR NOSE HAIRS THERE?
THAT'S STRANGE, MR. BROOKS,
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT A PERSON'S
GROOMIN' HABITS. UH-HUH?
WHY, YOUR BREATH IS SO FUNKY, WHEN
YOU SMOKE, YOU BLOW ONION RINGS.
OH, WATCH IT. WATCH IT.
WELL, SINCE YOU BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO BRING
UP MY PHYSICAL SHORTCOMINGS, MRS. BROOKS,
YOU GOT SO MUCH
CELLULITE ON YOUR BUTT,
LOOK LIKE YOU DONE GOT
SPANKED WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
LOOK HERE, MRS. BROOKS. NOW,
BEFORE WE CAN PRICE THIS MOWER,
I BELIEVE WE SHOULD KNOW
HOW SHARP THE BLADE IS.
WOULD YOU MIND REACHIN'
IN AND GETTIN' A FEEL FOR IT?
WHY, SURE, MR. BROOKS. LET ME GET
ON IN HERE AND SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
WHAT... HEY! OH!
OH, SORRY ABOUT
THAT, MRS. BROOKS.
I SUPPOSE THE LAWN MOWER
GOT A MIND OF ITS OWN.
WELL, AT LEAST IT'S
GOT A MIND, MR. BROOKS.
YOUR I.Q. IS SO LOW, THE ONLY WAY THEY
COULD BRAINWASH YOU IS WITH AN ENEMA.
OH, WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT.
WATCH OUT NOW. I WOULDN'T BE THE
ONE TO TALK ABOUT SMARTS, MRS. BROOKS.
WHY, YOU SO DUMB, YOU
THOUGHT SOMALIA AND ZIMBABWE...
WERE THE NAME OF THEM TWO OL'
UGLY GRANDCHILDREN OF YOURS.
MR. BROOKS, YOU REALLY AREN'T
GONNA SELL THIS HERE RECLINER, ARE YOU?
OH, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. I LOVE
THAT CHAIR NOW, MRS. BROOKS.
MM-HMM. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY
GOOD NAPS I DONE HAD RIGHT HERE.
WELL, MR. BROOKS, WHY
DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?
WELL, I BELIEVE I... AND JUST TURN THAT
HANDLE ON THE SIDE TO GET YOUR FEET UP.
UH-HUH. DON'T MIND IF I DO.
LORD, HAVE MER... I BELIEVE
IT'S STUCK. WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
WELL, LOOK HERE, MRS.
BROOKS. IT'S MY FIRST CAMERA.
NOW, MR. BROOKS, WHAT
DO YOU NEED A CAMERA FOR?
THE ONLY FILM YOU'VE EVER DEVELOPED
IS ON THEM LITTLE GIBLETS YOU CALL TEETH.
WATCH IT NOW, WOMAN.
LOOK HERE, MRS. BROOKS.
WHY DON'T YOU
STAND RIGHT HERE...
AND LET ME GET A
NICE PICTURE OF YOU?
WHY, SURE, MR. BROOKS. UH-HUH.
NOW JUST SAY "CHEESE." WAIT.
WAIT. LET ME FIX MY MAKEUP.
OOH! YOU DONE DONE
IT NOW, MR. BROOKS.
THIS MAY NOT BE TEXAS,
BUT PREPARE FOR THE
CHAINSAW MASSACRE. OH, YEAH?
THIS MAY NOT BE FRIDAY THE 13th,
BUT IT'S STILL GONNA
BE YOUR UNLUCKY DAY.
- NOW, WOMAN,
WHERE YOU WANT IT?
- I DON'T KNOW, MR. BROOKS.
SINCE I BEEN WITH
YOU, I AIN'T NEVER HAD IT.
LOOK OUT. COME ON AND GET IT.
I'M GONNA SLICE YOU UP AND SERVE
YOU LIKE UGLY ON THE HALF SHELL.
COME ON.
OH, YEAH, I GOT NEWS
FOR YOU, MRS. BROOKS.
- I'M GONNA DANCE
ON YOUR GRAVE.
- OH!
IN THAT CASE, YOU
BETTER BURY ME AT SEA.
SO, HOW'S THAT
GARAGE SALE GOIN'?
OH, MY GOODNESS.
IN THE DRIVEWAY?
WE STILL TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. THIS IS
GARRETT MORRIS. AND CHRIS ROCK.
WE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD
NIGHT ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO...
AND FINALLY NOW WE'RE
GETTIN' THE CHANCE.
WE'RE GONNA GET OUR ONE
AND ONLY BREAK... MAN, SHUT UP.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
♪♪