In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 4 - Green Eggs and the Guvment Cheese - full transcript
HI. I'M THE REVEREND
JESSE JACKSON.
AS CHILDREN, MANY
OF US LEARN TO READ...
THROUGH THE COLLECTION
OF DR. SEUSS BOOKS.
STORIES LIKE THE CAT IN THE HAT,
HORTON HEARS A WHO, HOP ON POP,
GREEN EGGS AND HAM AND HOW
THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS.
THEY WERE ALL FINE FOR
LITTLE WHITE CHILDREN.
BUT THE YOUNG BLACK
INNER-CITY CHILD...
HAS NEVER HAD A BOOK
UPON WHICH HE COULD LOOK...
AND FIND SOMEONE OF HIS KIND.
LA DA DEE, LA DA DA.
LA DA DEE, LA DA DA.
THAT IS WHY I AM OFFERING THESE.
JESSE JACKSON'S
CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
FOR JUST 49.95, YOU'LL GET
STORIES FROM THE STREET.
STORIES LIKE HORTON HEARS A HO.
"I KNOW THERE'S A HO
WHO'S DOWN THERE.
"AND WHAT'S MORE, I'M SURE
THERE'S TWO OR THREE OR EVEN FOUR.
"A WHOLE FAMILY OF
HOS THAT HOS TO SURVIVE.
DON'T BE LIKE A HO.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE."
YOUR CHILDREN WILL
HAVE HOURS OF FUN...
AS THEY LEARN IMPORTANT
STORIES ABOUT LIFE.
OTHER BOOKS IN
THE COLLECTION ARE:
THE CRACKHEAD IN THE HAT.
THE GRINCH WHO STOLE MY STEREO.
HOP ON COP.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,
GREEN EGGS AND GUBMENT CHEESE.
"I WILL NOT EAT GREEN
EGGS AND GUBMENT CHEESE.
"I WILL NOT EAT IT BECAUSE
IT MAKES ME WHEEZE.
"I WILL NOT EAT GREEN
EGGS AND GUBMENT CHEESE.
BECAUSE IT KEEPS ME FROM
GOING TO THE TOILET WITH EASE."
[Announcer] TO ORDER JESSE
JACKSON'S CHILDREN'S BOOKS,
SEND 49.95 TO...
ORDER NOW.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
THE FOOD HERE LOOKS GREAT. I
JUST HOPE THE SERVICE MATCHES UP.
HEY, MON!
[Announcer] IT'S TIME ONCE
AGAIN FOR THE WACKY ANTICS...
OF AMERICA'S HARDEST WORKING
WEST INDIAN FAMILY, THE HEDLEYS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOOD
PEOPLE, HERE'S YOUR MEAL.
WE GOT YOUR MAIN DISH,
YOUR SIDE DISH, YOUR
RADISH ON A DIRTY DISH.
AND YOUR ALBUM BANGLA-DISH. AND
FROM NEWLY RELEASED ON TAPE, SOAPDISH.
WHERE IS MY LAZY BOY, BYRON?
BYRON, GET OUT HERE, BOY! [Dishes Clatter]
POP, HOLD YOUR GNARLY THINGS.
NOW I'M THE COAT-CHECK
BOY, THE CAR-PARK BOY,
THE BOY IN THE HOOD,
CHEF BOYARDEE, THE BUSBOY,
AND I JUST GOT OFF THE
BUS WITH BUSTER DOUGLAS.
WELL, YOU BETTER BUST A MOVE AND SEE
WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE HAVING FOR DESSERT.
OH, I THINK I'LL JUST
HAVE SOME FRUIT.
WE DON'T HAVE NO FRUIT
HERE, YOU PASTY RICE CAKE.
I DO.
HEY, MON, WHAT DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING,
BRUCE LEE, SELLING FRUIT
TO MY CUSTOMERS HERE?
I NO MON, I WAN. I SAM WAN.
OWN WAN FAMILY
KOREAN FRUIT STAND.
THIS'A WIFE, ANNIE WAN.
THIS OUR SON, NO WAN.
THIS OUR DOG, OBI WAN.
LOOK AT THAT UGLY, LITTLE MANGY
DOG. WHAT KIND OF LAZY DOG IS THAT?
DOG IS WATCHDOG, SEEING
EYE DOG, MOUSE DOG...
AND WHEN DOG GET
OLD, HE MEAT ON STICK.
HE WORK'A HARD.
WE ALL WORK'A HARD.
WE HARDEST WORKING FAMILY EVER.
DON'T EVER SAY THAT AROUND HERE.
WE THE HARDEST WORKING FAMILY.
AND DON'T BE SELLING NO
FRUIT TO MY CUSTOMERS.
SURE, I SELL THE FRUIT.
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
IT'S A FREE SIDEWALK.
FREE NELSON MANDELA.
HE ALREADY FREE, MON.
SEE? IT'S ALL WORKING OUT GREAT.
WHERE MY BABY-MAKER HILDA?
HILDA, GET OUT HERE, WOMAN.
HEY, MON.
WHAT YOU BE CALLING ME
OUT HERE FOR, GODFREY?
YOU KNOW I GOT MANY, MANY THINGS
TO BE DOING. I GOT TO BE THE WAITRESS,
HIS MISTRESS, THE HOSTESS
WITH THE MOSTESS, THE MAÎTRE D',
I SERVE THE TEA AND
LOOK AT ME, I'M HEAVY D.
YOU STOP'A RAPPIN'
AND LOOK IT HERE.
WE GOT A MAN OVER THERE
SELLING FRUIT TO OUR CUSTOMERS.
TOO BAD FOR YOU, SMOKEY-HEAD,
HEMP-TOKING RASTA PEOPLE.
WAN SELL'A VEGETABLE,
DAIRY PRODUCT,
SMALL ELECTRICAL
APPLIANCE AND NOVELTY ITEM.
GOT TEENAGE MUTANT
NINJA TURTLE T-SHIRT.
WASH IT TWICE, YOU GOT'A
MUTANT TURTLE HAND PUPPET.
GOOD DEAL AT THE LOWEST PRICE.
WAN FAMILY ALSO HAVE
ONE-DOLLAR BATTERY PACK.
LOOK AT THAT, MON. THAT'S A CHEAP
BATTERY. IT WOULDN'T LAST A HALF HOUR.
HALF HOUR TOO LONG TO LISTEN TO
MUSIC. TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK.
HELLO. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S A NICE DAY TO BUY FLOWER
AT THE LOWEST PRICE, NO?
HOLD ON RIGHT THERE NOW.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THE HEDLEYS SELL THE FRESHEST
FLOWERS AT THE LOWEST PRICE AROUND HERE.
WE SELL DAY-OLD FLOWER.
WHOLE BUNCH, FIVE DOLLAR.
WE SELL THREE-DAY-OLD
FLOWER, TWO-DOLLAR FOR A BUNCH.
I GOT WEEK-OLD FLOWER.
TWO BUNCH, DOLLAR. AHA.
WE GOT YOU THERE. EVERY
CUSTOMER LEAVE OUR RESTAURANT...
WITH A BASKET OF OLD, DEAD,
DRY LEAVES, ABSOLUTELY FREE.
LOOK, YOKO ONO, I DON'T
WANT YOUR FLOWERS.
ALL I WANT IS SOME COFFEE TO GO.
I SELL A HOT STEAMING
CUP OF COFFEE, 50 CENTS.
HILDA, GET THAT MAN A FRESH CUP OF
THE FINEST JAMAICAN BEAN, ONLY 48 CENTS.
BEST'A COFFEE IN THE WORLD COME
DIRECTLY FROM MY BROTHER. WHO THAT?
HE ONE WAN YOU
HAVEN'T MET... WAN VALDEZ.
MON, THEY WENT A LONG WAY
FOR A JOKE, DON'T YOU THINK?
I THINK SO. I THINK SO, MON.
WELL, THIS FAMILY HERE NOT GONNA
BE OUTWORKED BY THAT FAMILY.
NOBODY OUTWORK THE HEDLEY.
IF THEY GONNA BE OPEN 24 HOUR,
- WE GONNA OPEN 25.
- HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT, MON?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT
WE GONNA WORK ON IT.
[Together] HEY, MON,
GOT TO GET TO WORK.
[Announcer] JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER
EPISODE OF HEY, MON, WITH THE HEDLEYS,
THE SECOND-HARDEST
WORKING FAMILY IN AMERICA.
♪♪ [Reggae]
♪♪ [Hip-hop] ♪ GO ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪ YOU GOT IT, BABY COME ALONG ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪ YOU GOT IT, BABY COME ALONG ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪♪ [Hawaiian]
OH, LYLE, HAWAII WOULD BE
GREAT FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
YEAH, BABY, BUT IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE. WE
CAN HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME IN INGLEWOOD.
INGLEWOOD? YEAH, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE ALL WE GONNA BE DOING IS...
LYLE!
DID I HEAR SOMEONE
SAY "KNOCKING BOOTS"?
GOT A HONEYMOON SUITE WITH
YOUR NAME ON IT, MY BROTHER.
AND THE PRICE IS
"RI-ZITE," BECAUSE...
[Both] BUDGET VACATIONS ARE US.
LET ME DO A QUICK
INTRO. MY NAME'S CLAVELL.
AND I'M HOWARD
TIBBS III. AND WE ARE...
[Both] FUNKY FINGER PRODUCTIONS.
BRINGING YOU A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU GO...
[Both] HMM. YOU KNOW,
ARSENIO STOLE THAT FROM ME?
SAY WHAT? DAMN SKIPPY.
NOW, I KNOW BILLY
CRYSTAL DID THAT LITTLE
HOME ON THE RANGE,
CITY SLICKER KINDA THING.
IS BILLY IN TOWN? 'CAUSE YOU
KNOW HE HASN'T CALLED ME. WHAT?
LOOK, I DON'T WANNA SPEND MY
HONEYMOON WITH SOME COWS.
YEAH, MAN, WE AIN'T INTERESTED.
WELL, WHOA, NELLIE, PARTNER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE INTERESTED,
BROTHER. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST BUY.
NOW, FOR THE NOMINAL
FEE OF, UH, 62.95...
YOU AND THE LOVELY BRIDETTE CAN SPEND
TWO FUN-FILLED DAYS AT ROUND RUMP RANCH.
YEAH! [Neighing Like A Horse]
[Sputtering] NOW LOOK
HERE, HOME-COOKIN'.
THAT PRICE INCLUDES A CABIN
RIGHT ON THE SHORES OF BOODIE BAY.
BOODIE BAY? ISN'T
THAT A LANDFILL?
WELL, IT MAY STINK ALL TO BE
DAMNED, BUT THE SCENERY IS SMOKIN'.
HONEY, LET'S GO. A'IGHT?
UH, OH, HOWIE, THEY'RE LOOKING LIKE
THEY'RE TRYING TO HIT THE OLD DUSTY TRAIL.
UH, BETTER PULL
OUT THE HEAVY AMMO.
JUST GIVE 'EM A TASTE.
GOT TO PAY FOR THE REST.
[Laughing]
[Imitating Guitar]
BAM!
NOW, I PROMISED DELROY
AND THEM FROM THE GAP BAND...
THAT I'D THANK THEM FOR THE
USE OF THE THREADS. CHARLIE TOO.
THANKS, Y'ALL. JUST YELL
ACTION. I'LL SELL THE REST.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE JUST SCALLYWAGGIN'
AND LOLLYGAGGIN'. HERE WE GO.
"ACCIONAY." PUT THE
QUARTER IN, HOMEY.
BOW-WOW-WOW, YIPPEE-YO,
YIPPEE-YAY. WHAT A VACATION.
YOU'RE GETTIN' WILD. UH-OH,
I SEE WE GOT SOME BUFFALO.
OH, SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO.
[Laughs] AND A LITTLE FILLY TOO.
OH, SHUCKS, TIME
TO ROPE ME A FILLY.
WHOA, BABY. NOW, HEY, DON'T
GET TOO... RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
LORD HAVE MERCY.
YOU KNOW, I HAD A
DREAM ABOUT US, BABY.
I WAS IN HEAVEN, AND WE
WERE BOTH BUTT NAKED.
EVEN SISTERS BE TRIPPIN'
ON THE STRAIGHT UP.
YOU ALL RIGHT, HOMEY? I THINK
SHE DONE WENT BUCK WILD.
HOLD UP. LET ME GET A PICTURE.
I'LL MEET YOU AT THE STOP
SIGN. WE OUTTA CONTROL HERE.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON! BAM!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. HONEY.
UH-OH, SOUNDS LIKE THEIR
ENGAGEMENT DONE THROWED A HEEL.
WELL, LET'S AT LEAST
GIVE YOU A BROCHURE.
YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT. HOWARD.
COMIN' OUTTA THE GATE, CLAVY.
RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.
HERE HE COMES. [Yelling]
[Laughing] YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M COOL, MAN. BAM!
HEY, MAN, THAT'S A BLANK PIECE OF
PAPER. MAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHILL?
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GONNA PUT THE PICTURES
WHEN WE GET 'EM BACK FROM THE FOTOMAT.
UH, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE. YOU KNOW,
HONEY, INGLEWOOD SOUNDS REAL GOOD.
HEY. HEY, MAN, I WILL BUST A
CAP IN YOUR... DON'T... DON'T...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
DIDN'T HE SAY INGLEWOOD?
YEAH. YEAH, DON'T WE
HAVE A TWO-DAY THING...
GOING WITH MY COUSIN
BOODROW? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
DON'T ARSENIO HALL LOOK LIKE
THAT DUDE? WHAT'S HIS NAME?
UH, MESHACH TAYLOR, BUT
WITH MUCH MORE BOOTY.
♪♪ [Hawaiian]
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[n Blares]
♪♪ [Reggae]
HONEY, DO YOU SMELL
SOMETHING BURNING?
HMM, IT SMELLS LIKE BACON.
OH, MY GOD, JOHN,
LOOK! [Sizzling]
- MISTER, ARE YOU OKAY?
- WHO ME?
[Laughs] NEVER BETTER.
JUST TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THAT HOLE IN THE OZONE.
PUT SOME COLOR IN MY CHEEKS.
YOU'RE BURNED!
WELL, THAT'S NICE
OF YOU TO NOTICE.
FIRE MARSHAL BILL BURNS. NICE
TO MEET YA. THIS IS MY WIFE, ASHLEY.
HOW YOU FOLKS DOING?
SAY, UH, BILL, YOU
WANNA GET MY BACK?
ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY
LITTLE CHARCOAL BRIQUETTE.
AH, THERE YOU GO.
SHE LOVES THIS NEW
NONSTICK FORMULA.
WELL, I THINK I'LL GIVE THIS
LITTLE TUG A LOOKY-LOO.
CHECK FOR SAFETY VIOLATIONS.
OH, BUT, BILL, IT'S OUR VACATION.
BABY, DISASTER HAS A
REAL GOOD TRAVEL AGENT.
SEE YA. UH, BILL.
HAVE YOU GOT A LIGHT?
COMING RIGHT UP, HOT STUFF.
PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP
ON THE BARBIE, BABY.
SAY THERE, SON, DID YOU
KNOW THAT DEEP-SEA FISHING...
IS THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE
OF CRUISE SHIP CASUALTIES?
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S
A SHARK WARNING,
AND YOU'VE JUST TAKEN A BATH
IN A BUCKETFUL OF FISH GUTS.
A TYPHOON HITS THE BOAT.
YOU'RE KNOCKED OVER THE SIDE.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, FEEDING FRENZY!
FIRE MARSHAL BILL,
IT'S A GREAT WHITE!
[Shark Roars] SO IT IS.
FIRE MARSHAL BILL!
YOU GOT HIM, FIRE MARSHAL BILL!
CHEER UP, SON. WE GOT
OURSELVES A TROPHY FISH.
DOESN'T IT HURT?
ARE YOU FOOLIN'?
HOLD THIS, LADY. [Woman Screams]
MY BODY IS COMPLETELY
NUMB. I HAVEN'T FELT PAIN...
SINCE I STOPPED THAT LAVA FLOW
AT MOUNT PINATUBO... WITH MY FACE!
EXCUSE ME, SON. HEY, HOLD
IT RIGHT THERE, GRANDMA.
JUST WHAT THE HECK DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
[Chuckles] I'M JUST
HAVING A DRINK.
WELL, YOU BETTER
BE EXTRA CAREFUL.
DRINKIN' ON THE DECK OF
A CRUISE SHIP CAN BE FUN,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE
VERY, VERY D-DEADLY.
SAY YOU'VE GOT YOUR
PIÑA COLADA IN ONE HAND...
AND A BEAKERFUL OF
HYDROCHLORIC ACID IN THE OTHER.
YOU'RE STROLLING
ON THE UPPER DECK.
SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, LOOK, CAPTAIN
STUBING'S PUKIN' OVER THE SIDE."
YOU FORGET WHICH IS WHICH...
[Yelling]
[Screaming]
[Snorting]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[Yells]
WELL, I WON'T BE
SINGING WITH DOMINGO.
THANK YOU, FIRE MARSHAL BILL.
YOU NEVER CAN BE
TOO CAREFUL, MA'AM.
WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND
FOR MY NEXT DEMONSTRATION?
ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?
THIS NEXT SAFETY TIP COULD
PREVENT IMMINENT DISASTER.
NOW, JUST FOR THE
SAKE OF ARGUMENT,
LET'S SAY THEY
SAVED HITLER'S BRAIN.
AND HE'S MASTERMINDED A PLOT TO
BLOW THIS SHIP TO KINGDOM COME.
YOU'RE HAVING A BIRTHDAY
PARTY ON THE BOAT.
ONE OF HITLER'S NAZI
BAKERS HANDS YOU A
BIRTHDAY CAKE MADE OUT
OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES.
QUICK, INTO THE LIFEBOATS!
THE SHIP'S GONNA BLOW!
EVERYBODY, REMAIN CALM.
I AM A FIRE MARSHAL.
FIRST, YOU EXTINGUISH
THE FUSE LIKE SO.
THEN YOU MERELY
DISPOSE OF YOUR EXPLOSIVE
LITTLE FRIEND IN THE
NEAREST TRASH RECEPTACLE.
YOU IDIOT, THAT'S NOT
A TRASH RECEPTACLE.
OKAY, SMART GUY. [Laughs]
WHERE DOES IT LEAD TO THEN?
- THE ENGINE ROOM!
- OOPS.
[Ship's Horn Blares]
[Water Sloshing]
[Sighs]
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M
JUST WASTING MY BREATH.
LOOK, A SHIP! WE'RE SAVED!
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, SON!
IS THAT A FLARE
GUN YOU GOT THERE?
THESE THINGS CAN BE
EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
ESPECIALLY IN A LIFEBOAT
FILLED WITH GASOLINE.
- ASHLEY.
- GOTCHA, BILL.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!
STRAIGHT FROM
CHILL CITY, UNIONDALE.
STRONG ISLAND. PUT YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER FOR LEADERS OF THE NEW SCHOOL...
SINGING "TEACHERS,
TEACH US." PEACE.
YEAH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
♪ DON'T RING THE BELL
I'M NOT COMIN' TO CLASS ♪
♪ TEACHERS BEING PREACHERS
HOW THE HELL CAN I PASS ♪
♪ FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND
I WAS THROWN TO THE REAR ♪
♪ BLIND SPOT VIEW AND A
ONE-LEG CHAIR I ASK WHEN ♪
♪ WHAT, WHAT ♪
♪ WHEN, WHEN CLASS ENDS ♪
♪ TEACHER POINTS AT THE
DOOR GO BE WITH YOUR FRIENDS ♪
♪ MY REP WAS IN EFFECT TO KEEP
IN STEP SO I STOP AND DROP BOMBS ♪
♪ FOR A CHECK ♪ ♪ ALL I LEARNED
WAS WHEN, WHERE WHY, WHAT AND WHO ♪
♪ AND THEN I ASKED DO YOU
THINK THIS IS TRUE ♪ ♪ OUT ♪
♪ STRIKE THREE AND A NUMBER PUBLIC
EDUCATION IS MAKIN' SOME DUMBER ♪
♪ FURTHER AND FURTHER
AWAY DOIN' IT OUTTA SIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE YEAR OF THE YOUNG ♪
♪ TEACHER SHOULD TEACH RIGHT ♪
♪ CLASS FOR A FUTURE
WITHOUT A PAST ♪ ♪ BEGUN ♪
♪ BACK IN THE BACK BUT NOW
FOR '91 ♪ ♪ MEATY BONES ♪
♪ WAVE THEIR POM-POMS AND
CHEER SCREAMIN' FOR THE TEAM ♪
♪ WHO ASKS, WHERE DO WE
GO FROM HERE, YEAH, YEAH ♪
- ♪ EAST COAST STRONG
RIGHT HERE ♪
- ♪ WHAT'S UP ♪
- ♪ HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO ♪
- ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ WELL, HOW NOW BROWN COW ♪
♪ MAKE THE GIRLS GO
OOH-AHH, OOH-AHH ♪
♪ SCHOOL IS SHAKY
SOMETIMES FLAKY ♪
♪ CORNY, FRUSTRATING
CHEESY AND CAKEY ♪
♪ WHY, AHH, WHY, AHH,
WHY I WAS NEVER ON TIME ♪
♪ ALWAYS CUTTIN'
GOIN' TO THE GYM ♪
♪ STIM AND THEN I HEAR
IT'S HIM THE ONE, THE ONE ♪
♪ "C" BROWN THREAT
TO THE CURRICULUM ♪
♪ BEATIN' 'EM DOWN ♪ ♪ ASK THE
TEACHERS TO TEACH ME SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ I CAN USE THEY'RE
TEACHIN' ME NOTHIN' ♪
♪ I TRIED TO COMPLY HIS
LIE NEVER DIES INSIDE ♪
♪ SO I REPLIED ♪
♪ WHAT ABOUT LIFE ♪
♪ THE REAL, UNCUT
UNCENSORED DEAL ♪
♪ DEAL ♪
♪ I MUST NOT GO AHH IN CLASS ♪
♪ I WILL PASS AT
LAST FOR THE BLAST ♪
♪ STOP THE BRAINWASH
HANG OUT TO DRY ♪
♪ NONSENSE I'M
CONVINCED IT'S LIES ♪
♪ TRUTH TO THE
YOUTH IS NECESSARY ♪
♪ IMPORTANT DAMN, VERY, MARCH ♪
♪ HUT ONE, HUT TWO ♪
♪ MARCH ♪
- ♪ HUT THREE, HUT FOUR ♪
- ♪ I'D SAY JUST EDUCATE
YOURSELF ♪
♪ DON'T DEPEND ON
YOUR SCHOOL FOR HELP ♪
♪ READ AND WRITE
'CAUSE IT'S EVIDENCE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TEACHERS, YO THEY
BE TEACHIN' US NONSENSE ♪
♪ AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST IT'S BUSTA
RHYMES ♪ ♪ BUSTA RHYMES, RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ HE'S ALWAYS TALKIN' TO THE GIRLS,
TALKIN' IN CLASS STARTIN' TROUBLE ♪
♪ HERE WE GO CHECK IT OUT, CHECK
IT OUT ♪ ♪ ONE, TWO, HUT, HUT, HUT ♪
♪ WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
WITH A BIG SMACK ♪ ♪ WOW ♪
♪ GOTTA GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME ♪
♪ POW ♪
♪ IN SCHOOL THE
BRAINWASH EPIDEMIC ♪
♪ GOTTA HIT HIM BACK
WITH A RHYME CALISTHENIC ♪
♪ GOT ENOUGH BEEF WITH
THE KIDS WHO BE SWITCHIN' ♪
♪ NOW I'M IN SCHOOL AND
THE TEACHER STARTS RIFFIN' ♪
♪ THIS AND THAT AND
YO, IT'S ALL IRRELEVANT ♪
♪ AS I GET OLDER GOTTA
BUILD MY OWN INTELLIGENCE ♪
♪ TEACHER, WHAT YOU DOIN' ♪
♪ IS IT MY VIBES THAT YOU'RE
REALLY TRYING TO RUIN ♪
♪ BACK OF THE CLASS
YET I COME FORTH ♪
♪ THE BORDER LINE BETWEEN
US HE TRIED TO CROSS ♪
♪ ME, BEING THE
YOUNGER HIM, THE ELDER ♪
♪ IF WE WERE IN THE WAR
HE THINKS I'LL SURRENDER ♪
♪ KIDS ON THE BLOCK
JUST SCRAMBLIN' ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE TEACHERS
IN CLASS JUST BABBLIN' ♪
♪ THEY'RE TEACHING
NONSENSE TOTAL NONSENSE ♪
♪ THEN THEY WONDER WHY
WE SHOW THEM DISOBEDIENCE ♪
♪ HUH ♪
♪ HE TRIED TO BREAK MY BACK ♪
♪ HUH ♪ ♪ I'M COMING
BACK ON THE ATTACK ♪
♪ YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
TEACHER DON'T TEST THIS ♪
♪ IF YOU TRY TO FRONT
YOU'LL BE SURE TO GET THIS ♪
♪ POW, BOOM, BANG ♪ ♪ STRAIGHT
TO THE GRILL TEACH THE TRUTH, YO ♪
♪ RELAX AND CHILL
PRONUNCIATION CHECK MY TEST ♪
♪ YO, MY MAN, YOU BETTER STOP
TEACHIN' US THAT NONSENSE ♪
[Yells] ♪ THERE
IT GO LIKE THAT ♪
♪ THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND
WAVE 'EM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE ♪
♪ AND IF YOU'RE READY TO
ROCK EVERYBODY SAY, OH YEAH ♪
- [Man] YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
AMOUNT TO ANYTHING ANYWAY.
- ♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND DON'T STOP
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ DANCE UP AND DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]
JESSE JACKSON.
AS CHILDREN, MANY
OF US LEARN TO READ...
THROUGH THE COLLECTION
OF DR. SEUSS BOOKS.
STORIES LIKE THE CAT IN THE HAT,
HORTON HEARS A WHO, HOP ON POP,
GREEN EGGS AND HAM AND HOW
THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS.
THEY WERE ALL FINE FOR
LITTLE WHITE CHILDREN.
BUT THE YOUNG BLACK
INNER-CITY CHILD...
HAS NEVER HAD A BOOK
UPON WHICH HE COULD LOOK...
AND FIND SOMEONE OF HIS KIND.
LA DA DEE, LA DA DA.
LA DA DEE, LA DA DA.
THAT IS WHY I AM OFFERING THESE.
JESSE JACKSON'S
CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
FOR JUST 49.95, YOU'LL GET
STORIES FROM THE STREET.
STORIES LIKE HORTON HEARS A HO.
"I KNOW THERE'S A HO
WHO'S DOWN THERE.
"AND WHAT'S MORE, I'M SURE
THERE'S TWO OR THREE OR EVEN FOUR.
"A WHOLE FAMILY OF
HOS THAT HOS TO SURVIVE.
DON'T BE LIKE A HO.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE."
YOUR CHILDREN WILL
HAVE HOURS OF FUN...
AS THEY LEARN IMPORTANT
STORIES ABOUT LIFE.
OTHER BOOKS IN
THE COLLECTION ARE:
THE CRACKHEAD IN THE HAT.
THE GRINCH WHO STOLE MY STEREO.
HOP ON COP.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,
GREEN EGGS AND GUBMENT CHEESE.
"I WILL NOT EAT GREEN
EGGS AND GUBMENT CHEESE.
"I WILL NOT EAT IT BECAUSE
IT MAKES ME WHEEZE.
"I WILL NOT EAT GREEN
EGGS AND GUBMENT CHEESE.
BECAUSE IT KEEPS ME FROM
GOING TO THE TOILET WITH EASE."
[Announcer] TO ORDER JESSE
JACKSON'S CHILDREN'S BOOKS,
SEND 49.95 TO...
ORDER NOW.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
THE FOOD HERE LOOKS GREAT. I
JUST HOPE THE SERVICE MATCHES UP.
HEY, MON!
[Announcer] IT'S TIME ONCE
AGAIN FOR THE WACKY ANTICS...
OF AMERICA'S HARDEST WORKING
WEST INDIAN FAMILY, THE HEDLEYS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOOD
PEOPLE, HERE'S YOUR MEAL.
WE GOT YOUR MAIN DISH,
YOUR SIDE DISH, YOUR
RADISH ON A DIRTY DISH.
AND YOUR ALBUM BANGLA-DISH. AND
FROM NEWLY RELEASED ON TAPE, SOAPDISH.
WHERE IS MY LAZY BOY, BYRON?
BYRON, GET OUT HERE, BOY! [Dishes Clatter]
POP, HOLD YOUR GNARLY THINGS.
NOW I'M THE COAT-CHECK
BOY, THE CAR-PARK BOY,
THE BOY IN THE HOOD,
CHEF BOYARDEE, THE BUSBOY,
AND I JUST GOT OFF THE
BUS WITH BUSTER DOUGLAS.
WELL, YOU BETTER BUST A MOVE AND SEE
WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE HAVING FOR DESSERT.
OH, I THINK I'LL JUST
HAVE SOME FRUIT.
WE DON'T HAVE NO FRUIT
HERE, YOU PASTY RICE CAKE.
I DO.
HEY, MON, WHAT DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING,
BRUCE LEE, SELLING FRUIT
TO MY CUSTOMERS HERE?
I NO MON, I WAN. I SAM WAN.
OWN WAN FAMILY
KOREAN FRUIT STAND.
THIS'A WIFE, ANNIE WAN.
THIS OUR SON, NO WAN.
THIS OUR DOG, OBI WAN.
LOOK AT THAT UGLY, LITTLE MANGY
DOG. WHAT KIND OF LAZY DOG IS THAT?
DOG IS WATCHDOG, SEEING
EYE DOG, MOUSE DOG...
AND WHEN DOG GET
OLD, HE MEAT ON STICK.
HE WORK'A HARD.
WE ALL WORK'A HARD.
WE HARDEST WORKING FAMILY EVER.
DON'T EVER SAY THAT AROUND HERE.
WE THE HARDEST WORKING FAMILY.
AND DON'T BE SELLING NO
FRUIT TO MY CUSTOMERS.
SURE, I SELL THE FRUIT.
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
IT'S A FREE SIDEWALK.
FREE NELSON MANDELA.
HE ALREADY FREE, MON.
SEE? IT'S ALL WORKING OUT GREAT.
WHERE MY BABY-MAKER HILDA?
HILDA, GET OUT HERE, WOMAN.
HEY, MON.
WHAT YOU BE CALLING ME
OUT HERE FOR, GODFREY?
YOU KNOW I GOT MANY, MANY THINGS
TO BE DOING. I GOT TO BE THE WAITRESS,
HIS MISTRESS, THE HOSTESS
WITH THE MOSTESS, THE MAÎTRE D',
I SERVE THE TEA AND
LOOK AT ME, I'M HEAVY D.
YOU STOP'A RAPPIN'
AND LOOK IT HERE.
WE GOT A MAN OVER THERE
SELLING FRUIT TO OUR CUSTOMERS.
TOO BAD FOR YOU, SMOKEY-HEAD,
HEMP-TOKING RASTA PEOPLE.
WAN SELL'A VEGETABLE,
DAIRY PRODUCT,
SMALL ELECTRICAL
APPLIANCE AND NOVELTY ITEM.
GOT TEENAGE MUTANT
NINJA TURTLE T-SHIRT.
WASH IT TWICE, YOU GOT'A
MUTANT TURTLE HAND PUPPET.
GOOD DEAL AT THE LOWEST PRICE.
WAN FAMILY ALSO HAVE
ONE-DOLLAR BATTERY PACK.
LOOK AT THAT, MON. THAT'S A CHEAP
BATTERY. IT WOULDN'T LAST A HALF HOUR.
HALF HOUR TOO LONG TO LISTEN TO
MUSIC. TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK.
HELLO. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S A NICE DAY TO BUY FLOWER
AT THE LOWEST PRICE, NO?
HOLD ON RIGHT THERE NOW.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THE HEDLEYS SELL THE FRESHEST
FLOWERS AT THE LOWEST PRICE AROUND HERE.
WE SELL DAY-OLD FLOWER.
WHOLE BUNCH, FIVE DOLLAR.
WE SELL THREE-DAY-OLD
FLOWER, TWO-DOLLAR FOR A BUNCH.
I GOT WEEK-OLD FLOWER.
TWO BUNCH, DOLLAR. AHA.
WE GOT YOU THERE. EVERY
CUSTOMER LEAVE OUR RESTAURANT...
WITH A BASKET OF OLD, DEAD,
DRY LEAVES, ABSOLUTELY FREE.
LOOK, YOKO ONO, I DON'T
WANT YOUR FLOWERS.
ALL I WANT IS SOME COFFEE TO GO.
I SELL A HOT STEAMING
CUP OF COFFEE, 50 CENTS.
HILDA, GET THAT MAN A FRESH CUP OF
THE FINEST JAMAICAN BEAN, ONLY 48 CENTS.
BEST'A COFFEE IN THE WORLD COME
DIRECTLY FROM MY BROTHER. WHO THAT?
HE ONE WAN YOU
HAVEN'T MET... WAN VALDEZ.
MON, THEY WENT A LONG WAY
FOR A JOKE, DON'T YOU THINK?
I THINK SO. I THINK SO, MON.
WELL, THIS FAMILY HERE NOT GONNA
BE OUTWORKED BY THAT FAMILY.
NOBODY OUTWORK THE HEDLEY.
IF THEY GONNA BE OPEN 24 HOUR,
- WE GONNA OPEN 25.
- HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT, MON?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT
WE GONNA WORK ON IT.
[Together] HEY, MON,
GOT TO GET TO WORK.
[Announcer] JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER
EPISODE OF HEY, MON, WITH THE HEDLEYS,
THE SECOND-HARDEST
WORKING FAMILY IN AMERICA.
♪♪ [Reggae]
♪♪ [Hip-hop] ♪ GO ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪ YOU GOT IT, BABY COME ALONG ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪ YOU GOT IT, BABY COME ALONG ♪
♪ SAY PARTY ♪
♪ LET'S PARTY ♪
♪♪ [Hawaiian]
OH, LYLE, HAWAII WOULD BE
GREAT FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
YEAH, BABY, BUT IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE. WE
CAN HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME IN INGLEWOOD.
INGLEWOOD? YEAH, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE ALL WE GONNA BE DOING IS...
LYLE!
DID I HEAR SOMEONE
SAY "KNOCKING BOOTS"?
GOT A HONEYMOON SUITE WITH
YOUR NAME ON IT, MY BROTHER.
AND THE PRICE IS
"RI-ZITE," BECAUSE...
[Both] BUDGET VACATIONS ARE US.
LET ME DO A QUICK
INTRO. MY NAME'S CLAVELL.
AND I'M HOWARD
TIBBS III. AND WE ARE...
[Both] FUNKY FINGER PRODUCTIONS.
BRINGING YOU A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU GO...
[Both] HMM. YOU KNOW,
ARSENIO STOLE THAT FROM ME?
SAY WHAT? DAMN SKIPPY.
NOW, I KNOW BILLY
CRYSTAL DID THAT LITTLE
HOME ON THE RANGE,
CITY SLICKER KINDA THING.
IS BILLY IN TOWN? 'CAUSE YOU
KNOW HE HASN'T CALLED ME. WHAT?
LOOK, I DON'T WANNA SPEND MY
HONEYMOON WITH SOME COWS.
YEAH, MAN, WE AIN'T INTERESTED.
WELL, WHOA, NELLIE, PARTNER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE INTERESTED,
BROTHER. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST BUY.
NOW, FOR THE NOMINAL
FEE OF, UH, 62.95...
YOU AND THE LOVELY BRIDETTE CAN SPEND
TWO FUN-FILLED DAYS AT ROUND RUMP RANCH.
YEAH! [Neighing Like A Horse]
[Sputtering] NOW LOOK
HERE, HOME-COOKIN'.
THAT PRICE INCLUDES A CABIN
RIGHT ON THE SHORES OF BOODIE BAY.
BOODIE BAY? ISN'T
THAT A LANDFILL?
WELL, IT MAY STINK ALL TO BE
DAMNED, BUT THE SCENERY IS SMOKIN'.
HONEY, LET'S GO. A'IGHT?
UH, OH, HOWIE, THEY'RE LOOKING LIKE
THEY'RE TRYING TO HIT THE OLD DUSTY TRAIL.
UH, BETTER PULL
OUT THE HEAVY AMMO.
JUST GIVE 'EM A TASTE.
GOT TO PAY FOR THE REST.
[Laughing]
[Imitating Guitar]
BAM!
NOW, I PROMISED DELROY
AND THEM FROM THE GAP BAND...
THAT I'D THANK THEM FOR THE
USE OF THE THREADS. CHARLIE TOO.
THANKS, Y'ALL. JUST YELL
ACTION. I'LL SELL THE REST.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE JUST SCALLYWAGGIN'
AND LOLLYGAGGIN'. HERE WE GO.
"ACCIONAY." PUT THE
QUARTER IN, HOMEY.
BOW-WOW-WOW, YIPPEE-YO,
YIPPEE-YAY. WHAT A VACATION.
YOU'RE GETTIN' WILD. UH-OH,
I SEE WE GOT SOME BUFFALO.
OH, SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO.
[Laughs] AND A LITTLE FILLY TOO.
OH, SHUCKS, TIME
TO ROPE ME A FILLY.
WHOA, BABY. NOW, HEY, DON'T
GET TOO... RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
LORD HAVE MERCY.
YOU KNOW, I HAD A
DREAM ABOUT US, BABY.
I WAS IN HEAVEN, AND WE
WERE BOTH BUTT NAKED.
EVEN SISTERS BE TRIPPIN'
ON THE STRAIGHT UP.
YOU ALL RIGHT, HOMEY? I THINK
SHE DONE WENT BUCK WILD.
HOLD UP. LET ME GET A PICTURE.
I'LL MEET YOU AT THE STOP
SIGN. WE OUTTA CONTROL HERE.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON! BAM!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. HONEY.
UH-OH, SOUNDS LIKE THEIR
ENGAGEMENT DONE THROWED A HEEL.
WELL, LET'S AT LEAST
GIVE YOU A BROCHURE.
YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT. HOWARD.
COMIN' OUTTA THE GATE, CLAVY.
RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.
HERE HE COMES. [Yelling]
[Laughing] YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M COOL, MAN. BAM!
HEY, MAN, THAT'S A BLANK PIECE OF
PAPER. MAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHILL?
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GONNA PUT THE PICTURES
WHEN WE GET 'EM BACK FROM THE FOTOMAT.
UH, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE. YOU KNOW,
HONEY, INGLEWOOD SOUNDS REAL GOOD.
HEY. HEY, MAN, I WILL BUST A
CAP IN YOUR... DON'T... DON'T...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
DIDN'T HE SAY INGLEWOOD?
YEAH. YEAH, DON'T WE
HAVE A TWO-DAY THING...
GOING WITH MY COUSIN
BOODROW? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
DON'T ARSENIO HALL LOOK LIKE
THAT DUDE? WHAT'S HIS NAME?
UH, MESHACH TAYLOR, BUT
WITH MUCH MORE BOOTY.
♪♪ [Hawaiian]
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[n Blares]
♪♪ [Reggae]
HONEY, DO YOU SMELL
SOMETHING BURNING?
HMM, IT SMELLS LIKE BACON.
OH, MY GOD, JOHN,
LOOK! [Sizzling]
- MISTER, ARE YOU OKAY?
- WHO ME?
[Laughs] NEVER BETTER.
JUST TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THAT HOLE IN THE OZONE.
PUT SOME COLOR IN MY CHEEKS.
YOU'RE BURNED!
WELL, THAT'S NICE
OF YOU TO NOTICE.
FIRE MARSHAL BILL BURNS. NICE
TO MEET YA. THIS IS MY WIFE, ASHLEY.
HOW YOU FOLKS DOING?
SAY, UH, BILL, YOU
WANNA GET MY BACK?
ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY
LITTLE CHARCOAL BRIQUETTE.
AH, THERE YOU GO.
SHE LOVES THIS NEW
NONSTICK FORMULA.
WELL, I THINK I'LL GIVE THIS
LITTLE TUG A LOOKY-LOO.
CHECK FOR SAFETY VIOLATIONS.
OH, BUT, BILL, IT'S OUR VACATION.
BABY, DISASTER HAS A
REAL GOOD TRAVEL AGENT.
SEE YA. UH, BILL.
HAVE YOU GOT A LIGHT?
COMING RIGHT UP, HOT STUFF.
PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP
ON THE BARBIE, BABY.
SAY THERE, SON, DID YOU
KNOW THAT DEEP-SEA FISHING...
IS THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE
OF CRUISE SHIP CASUALTIES?
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S
A SHARK WARNING,
AND YOU'VE JUST TAKEN A BATH
IN A BUCKETFUL OF FISH GUTS.
A TYPHOON HITS THE BOAT.
YOU'RE KNOCKED OVER THE SIDE.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, FEEDING FRENZY!
FIRE MARSHAL BILL,
IT'S A GREAT WHITE!
[Shark Roars] SO IT IS.
FIRE MARSHAL BILL!
YOU GOT HIM, FIRE MARSHAL BILL!
CHEER UP, SON. WE GOT
OURSELVES A TROPHY FISH.
DOESN'T IT HURT?
ARE YOU FOOLIN'?
HOLD THIS, LADY. [Woman Screams]
MY BODY IS COMPLETELY
NUMB. I HAVEN'T FELT PAIN...
SINCE I STOPPED THAT LAVA FLOW
AT MOUNT PINATUBO... WITH MY FACE!
EXCUSE ME, SON. HEY, HOLD
IT RIGHT THERE, GRANDMA.
JUST WHAT THE HECK DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
[Chuckles] I'M JUST
HAVING A DRINK.
WELL, YOU BETTER
BE EXTRA CAREFUL.
DRINKIN' ON THE DECK OF
A CRUISE SHIP CAN BE FUN,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE
VERY, VERY D-DEADLY.
SAY YOU'VE GOT YOUR
PIÑA COLADA IN ONE HAND...
AND A BEAKERFUL OF
HYDROCHLORIC ACID IN THE OTHER.
YOU'RE STROLLING
ON THE UPPER DECK.
SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, LOOK, CAPTAIN
STUBING'S PUKIN' OVER THE SIDE."
YOU FORGET WHICH IS WHICH...
[Yelling]
[Screaming]
[Snorting]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[Yells]
WELL, I WON'T BE
SINGING WITH DOMINGO.
THANK YOU, FIRE MARSHAL BILL.
YOU NEVER CAN BE
TOO CAREFUL, MA'AM.
WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND
FOR MY NEXT DEMONSTRATION?
ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?
THIS NEXT SAFETY TIP COULD
PREVENT IMMINENT DISASTER.
NOW, JUST FOR THE
SAKE OF ARGUMENT,
LET'S SAY THEY
SAVED HITLER'S BRAIN.
AND HE'S MASTERMINDED A PLOT TO
BLOW THIS SHIP TO KINGDOM COME.
YOU'RE HAVING A BIRTHDAY
PARTY ON THE BOAT.
ONE OF HITLER'S NAZI
BAKERS HANDS YOU A
BIRTHDAY CAKE MADE OUT
OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES.
QUICK, INTO THE LIFEBOATS!
THE SHIP'S GONNA BLOW!
EVERYBODY, REMAIN CALM.
I AM A FIRE MARSHAL.
FIRST, YOU EXTINGUISH
THE FUSE LIKE SO.
THEN YOU MERELY
DISPOSE OF YOUR EXPLOSIVE
LITTLE FRIEND IN THE
NEAREST TRASH RECEPTACLE.
YOU IDIOT, THAT'S NOT
A TRASH RECEPTACLE.
OKAY, SMART GUY. [Laughs]
WHERE DOES IT LEAD TO THEN?
- THE ENGINE ROOM!
- OOPS.
[Ship's Horn Blares]
[Water Sloshing]
[Sighs]
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M
JUST WASTING MY BREATH.
LOOK, A SHIP! WE'RE SAVED!
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, SON!
IS THAT A FLARE
GUN YOU GOT THERE?
THESE THINGS CAN BE
EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
ESPECIALLY IN A LIFEBOAT
FILLED WITH GASOLINE.
- ASHLEY.
- GOTCHA, BILL.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!
STRAIGHT FROM
CHILL CITY, UNIONDALE.
STRONG ISLAND. PUT YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER FOR LEADERS OF THE NEW SCHOOL...
SINGING "TEACHERS,
TEACH US." PEACE.
YEAH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
♪ DON'T RING THE BELL
I'M NOT COMIN' TO CLASS ♪
♪ TEACHERS BEING PREACHERS
HOW THE HELL CAN I PASS ♪
♪ FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND
I WAS THROWN TO THE REAR ♪
♪ BLIND SPOT VIEW AND A
ONE-LEG CHAIR I ASK WHEN ♪
♪ WHAT, WHAT ♪
♪ WHEN, WHEN CLASS ENDS ♪
♪ TEACHER POINTS AT THE
DOOR GO BE WITH YOUR FRIENDS ♪
♪ MY REP WAS IN EFFECT TO KEEP
IN STEP SO I STOP AND DROP BOMBS ♪
♪ FOR A CHECK ♪ ♪ ALL I LEARNED
WAS WHEN, WHERE WHY, WHAT AND WHO ♪
♪ AND THEN I ASKED DO YOU
THINK THIS IS TRUE ♪ ♪ OUT ♪
♪ STRIKE THREE AND A NUMBER PUBLIC
EDUCATION IS MAKIN' SOME DUMBER ♪
♪ FURTHER AND FURTHER
AWAY DOIN' IT OUTTA SIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE YEAR OF THE YOUNG ♪
♪ TEACHER SHOULD TEACH RIGHT ♪
♪ CLASS FOR A FUTURE
WITHOUT A PAST ♪ ♪ BEGUN ♪
♪ BACK IN THE BACK BUT NOW
FOR '91 ♪ ♪ MEATY BONES ♪
♪ WAVE THEIR POM-POMS AND
CHEER SCREAMIN' FOR THE TEAM ♪
♪ WHO ASKS, WHERE DO WE
GO FROM HERE, YEAH, YEAH ♪
- ♪ EAST COAST STRONG
RIGHT HERE ♪
- ♪ WHAT'S UP ♪
- ♪ HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO ♪
- ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ WELL, HOW NOW BROWN COW ♪
♪ MAKE THE GIRLS GO
OOH-AHH, OOH-AHH ♪
♪ SCHOOL IS SHAKY
SOMETIMES FLAKY ♪
♪ CORNY, FRUSTRATING
CHEESY AND CAKEY ♪
♪ WHY, AHH, WHY, AHH,
WHY I WAS NEVER ON TIME ♪
♪ ALWAYS CUTTIN'
GOIN' TO THE GYM ♪
♪ STIM AND THEN I HEAR
IT'S HIM THE ONE, THE ONE ♪
♪ "C" BROWN THREAT
TO THE CURRICULUM ♪
♪ BEATIN' 'EM DOWN ♪ ♪ ASK THE
TEACHERS TO TEACH ME SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ I CAN USE THEY'RE
TEACHIN' ME NOTHIN' ♪
♪ I TRIED TO COMPLY HIS
LIE NEVER DIES INSIDE ♪
♪ SO I REPLIED ♪
♪ WHAT ABOUT LIFE ♪
♪ THE REAL, UNCUT
UNCENSORED DEAL ♪
♪ DEAL ♪
♪ I MUST NOT GO AHH IN CLASS ♪
♪ I WILL PASS AT
LAST FOR THE BLAST ♪
♪ STOP THE BRAINWASH
HANG OUT TO DRY ♪
♪ NONSENSE I'M
CONVINCED IT'S LIES ♪
♪ TRUTH TO THE
YOUTH IS NECESSARY ♪
♪ IMPORTANT DAMN, VERY, MARCH ♪
♪ HUT ONE, HUT TWO ♪
♪ MARCH ♪
- ♪ HUT THREE, HUT FOUR ♪
- ♪ I'D SAY JUST EDUCATE
YOURSELF ♪
♪ DON'T DEPEND ON
YOUR SCHOOL FOR HELP ♪
♪ READ AND WRITE
'CAUSE IT'S EVIDENCE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TEACHERS, YO THEY
BE TEACHIN' US NONSENSE ♪
♪ AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST IT'S BUSTA
RHYMES ♪ ♪ BUSTA RHYMES, RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ HE'S ALWAYS TALKIN' TO THE GIRLS,
TALKIN' IN CLASS STARTIN' TROUBLE ♪
♪ HERE WE GO CHECK IT OUT, CHECK
IT OUT ♪ ♪ ONE, TWO, HUT, HUT, HUT ♪
♪ WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
WITH A BIG SMACK ♪ ♪ WOW ♪
♪ GOTTA GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME ♪
♪ POW ♪
♪ IN SCHOOL THE
BRAINWASH EPIDEMIC ♪
♪ GOTTA HIT HIM BACK
WITH A RHYME CALISTHENIC ♪
♪ GOT ENOUGH BEEF WITH
THE KIDS WHO BE SWITCHIN' ♪
♪ NOW I'M IN SCHOOL AND
THE TEACHER STARTS RIFFIN' ♪
♪ THIS AND THAT AND
YO, IT'S ALL IRRELEVANT ♪
♪ AS I GET OLDER GOTTA
BUILD MY OWN INTELLIGENCE ♪
♪ TEACHER, WHAT YOU DOIN' ♪
♪ IS IT MY VIBES THAT YOU'RE
REALLY TRYING TO RUIN ♪
♪ BACK OF THE CLASS
YET I COME FORTH ♪
♪ THE BORDER LINE BETWEEN
US HE TRIED TO CROSS ♪
♪ ME, BEING THE
YOUNGER HIM, THE ELDER ♪
♪ IF WE WERE IN THE WAR
HE THINKS I'LL SURRENDER ♪
♪ KIDS ON THE BLOCK
JUST SCRAMBLIN' ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE TEACHERS
IN CLASS JUST BABBLIN' ♪
♪ THEY'RE TEACHING
NONSENSE TOTAL NONSENSE ♪
♪ THEN THEY WONDER WHY
WE SHOW THEM DISOBEDIENCE ♪
♪ HUH ♪
♪ HE TRIED TO BREAK MY BACK ♪
♪ HUH ♪ ♪ I'M COMING
BACK ON THE ATTACK ♪
♪ YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
TEACHER DON'T TEST THIS ♪
♪ IF YOU TRY TO FRONT
YOU'LL BE SURE TO GET THIS ♪
♪ POW, BOOM, BANG ♪ ♪ STRAIGHT
TO THE GRILL TEACH THE TRUTH, YO ♪
♪ RELAX AND CHILL
PRONUNCIATION CHECK MY TEST ♪
♪ YO, MY MAN, YOU BETTER STOP
TEACHIN' US THAT NONSENSE ♪
[Yells] ♪ THERE
IT GO LIKE THAT ♪
♪ THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND
WAVE 'EM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE ♪
♪ AND IF YOU'RE READY TO
ROCK EVERYBODY SAY, OH YEAH ♪
- [Man] YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
AMOUNT TO ANYTHING ANYWAY.
- ♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND DON'T STOP
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ DANCE UP AND DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]