In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 17 - George Bush Meets Tommy Wu - full transcript
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
EIGHT TIMES FIVE...
CARRY THE THREE.
AW, DAMN IT.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS
SPEECH TOMORROW,
AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO ABOUT THE... ECONOMY.
[TV: Male Announcer] DO
YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MAN?
[Announcer Continues] IF YOU DON'T,
YOU'RE NOT WATCHING ENOUGH TELEVISION.
HE'S TOMMY WU.
[Tommy] HEY, IDIOT!
ROTTING IN YOUR OWN FILTH!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
EXCELLENT LIFESTYLE I'M LIVING? DING!
JUST A FEW MOMENTS TO
AIR, MR. PRESIDENT. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. LET'S CLEAR.
[Exhales] [Man]
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO...
FELLOW AMERICANS,
I'VE BEEN STAYING UP LATE, NIGHTHAWKIN'
IT, BURNIN' THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS,
THINKIN' ABOUT THIS...
ECONOMIC MESS WE'RE IN.
AND I'LL TELL YA, THE WHOLE THING
MAKES ME WANNA EXHALE LIQUID.
BUT I'M NOT GONNA,
NOT THIS TIME.
I'VE GOT A LITTLE
TRICK UP MY SLEEVE.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, PLEASE WELCOME
MY NEW CHIEF ECONOMIC ADVISOR...
THE DONALD TRUMP
OF THE ORIENT...
AND THE REIGNING KING
OF LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION...
MR. TOMMY WU.
COME ON OUT HERE, TOM.
THANK YOU, MR. GEORGE.
JAPANESE SAY PROBLEM
WITH U.S. ECONOMY...
IS THAT AMERICAN
WORKER FAT AND LAZY.
OH, YEAH. BUT THEY
ONLY GOT IT HALF RIGHT.
AMERICAN WORKER STUPID TOO.
YOU WANT TO SEE NICE PICTURE
OF AMERICAN AUTO WORKER?
THEN LOOK UP
"IMBECILE" IN DICTIONARY.
WHOA, WU. WHOA.
STICK TO THE THOUSAND
POINTS OF LIGHT. SORRY.
OKAY. PLAN IS SO SIMPLE EVEN
AMERICAN CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
STEP ONE.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
BEAUTIFUL CALIFORNIA GIRL...
WITH INTELLIGENCE OF HEAD LICE.
STEP TWO. BUY SPORT CAR.
THAT ALL MAKES PERFECT
SENSE. THEN WHAT, WU?
THAT IT, STUPID!
NOW PEOPLE LEND YOU MONEY...
BECAUSE THEY THINK
YOU'RE SO DAMN SUCCESSFUL.
I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH, BUT I'VE CHECKED IT OUT...
SCRUTINIZED IT,
SPANKED IT, DIAPERED IT,
KICKED IT IN THE PANTS, RAN IT UP
THE FLAG POLE TO SEE WHO'D SALUTE.
AND I'M HERE TO TELL
YA, TOM WU'S PLAN WORKS.
SEE, AFTER I TOOK THE SEMINAR,
I PICKED UP THIS
HOUSE... NO MONEY DOWN.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO
THAT? AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
PRESIDENT BUSH GOT BOAT!
GOT PRIVATE PLANE!
HE EVEN TAKE VACATION
IN MIDDLE OF GULF WAR!
AND I'LL TELL YA ANOTHER THING.
NOT EVERY WOMAN I SLEEP WITH LOOKS
LIKE SHE JUST STEPPED OFF A $1.00 BILL.
HEY THERE, GEORGIE'S GIRLS.
THAT'S RIGHT. SINCE
BUSH LEARN SECRET,
NO LONGER PEOPLE
CALL HIM "LIMP WIMP."
NO WAY, WU.
NOT SINCE I BOUGHT UP FIVE DEFUNCT
S AND L's FOR 10 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR.
AND HOW MUCH PROFIT YOU
MAKE ON THOSE, GEORGE?
I MADE 300,000 G's.
G's FOR GEORGE.
NOW, WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT?
AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT TOMMY
WU'S PLAN WORKED FOR BARBARA TOO.
COME ON OUT HERE, BAR.
SO, IF YOU CAN READ
AT ALL, READ MY LIPS.
STOP STIMULATING YOURSELF,
AND STIMULATE ECONOMY!
AND READ MY LIPS.
ASK YOURSELF NOT WHAT
YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU,
BUT ASK YOURSELF... [Together]
WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT?
GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME
YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO
ME MMM, GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE IT TO
ME GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA
GIVE IT TO ME JUST... ♪♪
[Man] AND NOW ANOTHER
EPISODE OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
THIS IS PATHETIC.
I'M SHOCKED THAT AN
OFFICER FROM THIS PRECINCT...
HAS STOLEN $20,000
IN EVIDENCE MONEY.
COME ON, CHIEF. NO ONE
IN THIS ROOM IS A THIEF.
I DON'T KNOW, PARTNER. SMELLS LIKE
SOMEONE STOLE YOUR DEODORANT.
I'M GONNA SEARCH EVERY OFFICER'S LOCKER
IN THIS ROOM, STARTING WITH THE HEAD.
CHIEF, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
HEAD'S NEVER DONE A DISHONEST
THING IN HIS LIFE. LOOK AT THIS FACE.
SORRY, HEAD. I'VE GOTTA
DO WHAT I GOTTA DO.
WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK
WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
I DIDN'T DO IT. IT'S A
SETUP. CAN'T YOU SEE?
THEY'RE TRYIN' TO SET
ME UP. I DIDN'T TAKE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
PROBLEM IS, HEAD?
YOU'RE CAUGHT RED-HANDED, AND YOU
CAN'T EVEN ADMIT IT. YOU HAVE NO GUTS.
THAT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE
YOU. I DON'T HAVE ANY SPLEEN.
I GOT ONE GENITAL
AND A HALF A COLON.
SHUT UP, HEAD.
I'M SENDING YOU AWAY
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
I-I WON'T GO. YOU CAN'T SEND
ME AWAY. TELL 'IM, PARTNER.
GET OUTTA HERE, YOU
THIEF. OH! [Loud Thud]
[Inmates Chattering]
GEE, I STICK MY NECK OUT FOR
THE FORCE ALL THESE YEARS,
AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?
[Sighs] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?
OH, MAN, THEY SAID I LOOKED
UP SOME LADY'S DRESS.
IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD ANY
CHOICE IN THE MATTER.
YEAH. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT KIND
OF A NICE SMILE YOURSELF.
HEY! DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M NOT INTO HEADS, OKAY?
SAY, LOOK, PAL, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T
RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEELINGS IN HERE.
I MEAN, WE'RE GONNA BE HERE
FOR THREE YEARS TOGETHER.
LISTEN, BUDDY, YOU STAY ON YOUR SIDE
OF THE CAGE. I'LL STAY ON MINE, OKAY?
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I
WANNA GET SOME SLEEP.
WELL, YEAH, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
THE BED'S ON MY SIDE OF THE CAGE.
OKAY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO SHAVE FIRST.
HE LOVES ME.
HE LOVES ME NOT.
[Snoring] HE LOVES ME.
[Snoring Continues]
HE LOVES ME NOT.
[Loud Whisper] PSST!
HEAD! YES, DARLING?
HEAD, WAKE UP. IT'S
ME. HEY, PARTNER.
HEY, WHO'S THAT WITH YOU?
OH, THAT'S JUST, UH...
HE'S JUST LOU, A GUY I MET.
- YOU DIDN'T...
- WHAT, LIKE IT? NO.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT. OF COURSE I
DIDN'T. IT WAS JUST A LITTLE FOOTSIE.
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH! OKAY,
OKAY. WE'LL DEAL WITH THAT LATER.
LISTEN, I KNOW WHO
FRAMED YOU, HEAD. WHO?
- IT WAS THE CHIEF.
- OH, GOD, NO.
YOU GOTTA GET ME OUTTA
HERE. ALL RIGHT. HANG ON.
HEY, PARTNER. ONE
OTHER THING. YEAH?
LET'S KIND OF KEEP THIS
BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
SURE. OUR SECRET, HEAD.
THANKS.
AND WHERE THE HELL DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?
UH-OH. THEY GOT US
SURROUNDED, HEAD.
NONSENSE, PARTNER. REMEMBER
WHEN YOU PLAYED WITH PELÉ?
MAN, YOU WERE THE GREATEST
SOCCER PLAYER IN THE WORLD.
HEAD, THIS IS NO
TIME TO REMINISCE.
NO. DON'T YOU SEE WHAT I'M
DRIVIN' AT? KICK ME PAST 'EM.
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
DAMN IT! JUST DO IT.
ALL RIGHT. ! JUEGAN, AMIGOS!
[Man] GO, MAN! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
[Cheering, Chattering]
[Cheering]
HEY. HEY, BRING HIM BACK HERE.
I'LL GIVE YOU A
PACK OF CIGARETTES.
[Chortling]
ALL RIGHT. YES.
PEEKABOO.
LOOK LIKE THE GAME'S
OVER, HUH, CHIEF?
I JUST WANNA KNOW ONE
THING. WHY'D YOU FRAME ME?
I HAD TO.
FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS, YOU'VE
WON THE OFFICE LIMBO CONTEST,
AND I'M SICK OF IT.
WITH YOU OUT OF THE WAY,
I WAS GUARANTEED TO
BE LIMBO CHAMP THIS YEAR.
[Whimpering] NOW YOU'VE
RUINED EVERYTHING.
YEAH, WELL, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE GONNA DO SOME TIME, CHIEF.
I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO
TO MY FRIEND, BIG LOU.
NO! NO, NOT LOU! NOT
LOU! YEAH. BIG LOU.
HE LIKES IT WHEN
YOU TOUCH HIS BEARD.
THE CREEP.
♪♪ [Limbo] [All]
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
[Whooping] [Cheering]
ALL RIGHT, PARTNER. YOUR TURN.
HECK. YOU BETTER LOWER
THAT ABOUT 25 INCHES.
- I WANNA GO ANKLE-HIGH.
[Whoops] - COME ON!
[All Cheering, Chattering]
[Cheering, Chattering Continue]
LOWER! [Man] KEEP
GOING! GO! GO LOW!
AH-HA-HA! WHOO!
[All Cheering]
[Man] THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER
EPISODE OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
ON BEHALF OF THE UNITED NATIONS,
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT A
PEACEFUL SETTLEMENT HAS BEEN REACHED...
BETWEEN THE
PALESTINIANS AND ISRAELIS,
AND WE HOPE IT LASTS
A THOUSAND YEARS.
[Delegates Applauding]
NOW, TO HELP US CELEBRATE
THIS NEW BEGINNING,
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A
GOODWILL AMBASSADOR...
WHO HAS BROUGHT
LAUGHTER TO THOUSANDS.
PLEASE WELCOME DON RICKLES.
[Applause] ♪♪ [Bullfighting]
♪♪ [Stops] THANK YOU, MY DARLING,
FOR THAT WONDERFUL INTRODUCTION.
NOW WAIT IN THE CAR. ANYWAY...
YEAH, BABY. CAN I GET A "AMEN"?
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
CUT IT OFF, THOUGH,
BECAUSE THE ARAB WAS
GONNA MAKE A BID. AW!
BY THE WAY, HABIB, YOUR WIFE
CALLED. THE SLURPEE MACHINE IS BROKE.
ANYWAY...
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S HERE. SOMEBODY
RUBBED A LAMP, AND I GET THREE WISHES. AW!
NO, SERIOUSLY, MY FRIEND,
GOD KNOWS I LOVE
THE ARAB PEOPLE.
I COUGH THEIR
NAMES UP EVERY DAY.
[Hawking] ACHMED!
AW! [Man Laughing]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
YOU'RE AN ISRAELI. PARDON ME. I DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU WITHOUT THE GAS MASK.
AW!
LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL
AT HOME. INCOMING SCUD!
NOW THAT'S COMEDY. [Chuckling]
WHO ASKED YOU? AW!
I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR AT THIS TIME TO
ADDRESS THE IRAQI DELEGATE HERE TODAY.
PUT YOUR VEIL BACK ON, MA'AM.
AW! YOU'RE SCARING THE POLISH
GUY. LOOK AT THE POLISH GUY.
HE'S PUTTIN' ON HEADPHONES. HE
THINKS WE'RE GONNA SHOW A MOVIE.
FIRE ON THE WING!
WE'RE GOIN' DOWN!
EXCUSE ME. I AM CZECHOSLOVAKIAN.
OH, BIG DIFFERENCE. HITLER
TOOK THEM BOTH IN 20 MINUTES.
OF COURSE, HE HAD AN
ARMY. WHAT DID YOU HAVE?
GIRL SCOUTS SELLING COOKIES
AT THE BORDER. ANYWAY...
IT'S GOOD TO SEE THE
GERMANS REUNITED AGAIN...
- SIEGFRIED AND ROY.
- THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
THIS MAN IS GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING
WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED HERE.
I'M SORRY. I REALLY DIDN'T
KNOW HE WOULD BE LIKE THIS.
GIVE HIM A COUPLE MORE
MINUTES. I'M SURE HE'LL CALM DOWN.
OH! OH! OH!
OH! THE GREEK HAS
GOTTEN RESTLESS.
LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO THE
GREEKS. STAY IN FRONT OF ME, OKAY, PAL?
ANYWAY... SERIOUSLY,
YOU'RE A BIG DUMMY.
AW! WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE LIKE THE IRISH GUY?
I LOVE THE IRISH...
ALWAYS QUIET AND HAPPY.
WATCH ME WIPE THE
SMILE OFF HIS FACE.
LAST CALL! ANYWAY...
WHERE'S THE
ITALIAN? WHERE IS HE?
OH. BLESS YOU, SIR.
THE ITALIANS ARE VERY MUCH
A PART OF THE FOUNDATION...
OF THIS GREAT
COUNTRY WE LIVE IN.
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE
ARE ALSO A COUPLE OF
THEM IN THE FOUNDATION
OF THIS BUILDING. AW!
- THIS MAN IS SCUM.
- OH! OH, GREAT!
I'M BEING HECKLED BY A BLACK GUY
FROM ZANABA... ZANAMA... WHATEVER.
AW! DIDN'T I SEE YOU
ON TRILOGY OF TERROR?
ANYWAY...
WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?
MY NAME IS MOTUMBO.
MOTUMBO. ENGLISH
TRANSLATION... LEROY.
AW!
IS HE COMING TOWARDS ME?
SOMEBODY GET THE ELEPHANT GUN.
AW! LOOK! TRACKS.
MOTUMBO, WHITE
WOMEN... THAT WAY. AW!
SERIOUSLY, MY FRIEND, WE'RE
ALL THE SAME ON THIS EARTH.
AND FROM THE BOTTOM
OF MY HEART... OONGAWA!
- AW!
- THIS MAN DESERVES
TO BE TORTURED!
LET'S RIG HIS CAR
WITH DYNAMITE. YES.
I CAN GET IT FOR YOU WHOLESALE.
I SAY SHRINK HIS
HEAD. SHRINK HIS HEAD.
WAIT! RAIN MAN ISN'T
OVER YET. [Scoffs]
[Muttering] WHY DON'T YOU
GO UP TO THE ICE RINK?
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF HOCKEY PUCKS.
♪ I'M A NICE GUY ♪
♪ I'M A NICE GUY ♪♪
♪♪ [Movie: Sound Track]
[Bodyguards Laughing]
OH, THIS IS GREAT... A THEATER
THAT STILL SHOWS THE GOLDEN CHILD.
[Laughing] I SHOULD BUY
MORE MOVIE HOUSES.
THEN THEY COULD SHOW
HARLEM NIGHTS TOO.
RIGHT, FRUITY? [Laughing]
YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT.
[Loud, Braying Laughter]
I KNOW THE MOVIE'S FUNNY,
BUT THIS GUY IS LAUGHING...
THIS GUY'S LAUGHIN' SO HARD,
I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF LAUGH.
HEY, MAN, YOU
WANNA KEEP IT DOWN?
HEY, MAN. THAT'S IT...
YO, MAN. WHAT'S... HEY, MAN.
YO, MAN, WHAT'S UP? WHY
YOU LAUGHIN' LIKE A JACKASS?
EDDIE! IF THE
SHOE FITS, WEAR IT.
OH, MY MAIN MAN, EDDIE.
SIT YOUR LEATHER-CLAD,
WANNA-BE-A-ROCK-STAR,
HUNK OF BURNIN' BUTT
ON DOWN NEXT TO ME.
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE
OLD TIMES, EDDIE.
HEY, LOOK, WHAT... WHAT
ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
OH. I'M SURPRISED YOU
DON'T REMEMBER ME, EDDIE.
IT WAS FOUR LONG YEARS AGO THAT
YOU SENTENCED ME TO MY OWN SHOW...
WHEN YOU KNEW I WANTED
TO BE A MOVIE STAR, EDDIE.
DID YOU SEE AMAZON
WOMEN ON THE MOON?
LET ME REFRESH
YOUR MEMORY. [Screams]
I SHOULD'VE WON AN
OSCAR FOR THAT ONE, EDDIE.
NOW BYRON ALLEN IS DOIN'
FUNNIER SKETCHES THAN ME.
KADEEM HARDISON'S OUT OF TOWN, AND I
GOT THE NIELSENS BREATHIN' DOWN MY "BACK."
SO I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE ME SOME OF THAT "BE MY BEST FRIEND,
WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME
ALL NIGHT" MURPHY MAGIC.
BACK TO THE SHOW!
LOOK, I WANTED TO DO MORE CAMEOS,
BUT YOU WAS ALWAYS AROUND ME.
I NEEDED SOME BREATHING ROOM. I'M SORRY
FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU A LONG TIME AGO,
BUT THAT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO, ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT?
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW
"LONG TIME," EDDIE.
YOU HAVE NO
CONCEPT OF TIME AT ALL.
YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO
INTERVIEW ED ASNER.
AND PAIN? HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED KISSIN' DIANA ROSS?
THE HAIR MOVES WHILE YOU'RE
REACHIN' FOR THE LIPS, EDDIE.
BESIDES THAT, I SEEN AN OLD PICTURE
OF PAULA ABDUL BEFORE THE NOSE JOB.
NOW THAT'S PAIN.
OH, LOOK, MAN. YOU BUGGIN',
MAN. I'M OUTTA HERE. I'M OUT.
VENGEANCE IS MINE!
TELL ME, MY PEOPLE.
EDDIE.
EDDIE, LET ME MAKE
MYSELF VERY CLEAR.
I GET INTO 20 MILLION
HOMES A NIGHT.
I CAN GET INTO YOURS.
I WANT YOUR CAREER,
EDDIE. YOUR CAREER.
EXCEPT FOR THEM LAST
THREE MUSIC VIDEOS YOU DONE.
♪ I JUST WANNA
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪♪
THAT OUGHTA DO IT.
NOW, LET'S SEE IF
HE'S STILL OUTSIDE.
EDDIE, YOU BEEN A BAD BOY.
NOW, MY PEOPLE TELL ME
YOU HAVE A RESTRAINING
ORDER AGAINST ME, AND
THAT IT'S LEGALLY BINDING.
BUT DON'T FEEL BAD, EDDIE.
I COULD BE ART BUCHWALD.
YES. WE'RE GONNA
PARTY ALL THE TIME.
PARTY ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S IT. I'M
CALLIN' THE POLICE.
HELLO. THIS IS EDDIE MURPHY.
I'D LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME.
HUH? OKAY. JUST ONCE.
[Signature Laugh]
WHAT? ALL RIGHT.
[Imitating Bill Cosby] I WOULD LIKE TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS...
THAT YOU'VE BEEN
SAYIN' ON THE SHOW.
[Drops Imitation] NOW
CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?
OKAY. I'D LIKE TO REPORT
THAT SOMEBODY IS...
HE'S... THAT'S FUNNY. HE'S GONE.
NEVER MIND.
BOY, I'M THIRSTY. CONSUELA, CAN
I GET SOME EVIAN OR SOMETHIN'?
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO,
MAN. LET'S DO THIS.
OH, EDDIE, DON'T YOU HATE
WHEN YOUR MOUTH GET ALL DRY...
AND YOU GET THAT WHITE STUFF ALL UP IN
HERE AND THAT CRUST RUNNIN' ON THE SIDE?
PEOPLE BE LOOKIN'
AT YOU, GOIN', "DAMN.
IS THAT EDDIE MURPHY
OR CICELY TYSON?"
HERE'S YOUR WATER.
EDDIE, DON'T BE FRIGHTENED.
I'M JUST HERE TO DO WHATEVER IT
TAKES TO HAVE YOU COME AND DO ONE...
JUST ONE GUEST SPOT ON THE SHOW.
I'LL CLEAN THE HOUSE.
I'LL SHINE YOUR TABLE.
HEY, LET ME UPDATE YOUR SUIT...
TAKE THE BELLS OUT FOR YOU.
LOOK, THAT'S IT. I'M
CALLIN' JOE PISCOPO,
AND HE'S GONNA COME UP
HERE, HE'S GONNA BUST YOUR ASS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, JOE...
JOE COULD USE THE WORK.
YES. THE STEROIDS DEFINITELY
AFFECTED HIS CAREER. OH.
YO. WHAT SEEMS TO
BE THE PROBLEM NOW?
I DON'T KNOW, MY MAN.
SHE SEEMS TO BE STUCK.
LOOK, JUST GUN IT, ALL RIGHT?
[Revving]
YOU CAN RUN, BUT
YOU CAN'T HIDE, EDDIE.
YOU CAN'T HIDE.
♪ WE'RE JUST GONNA ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪♪
[Screaming] [Announcer]
CAPE FEAR II.
OUR PEOPLE TELL US IT'S COMING
SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
YEA!
♪ BOP DOO BOP-BOP-DEE-BOO ♪
♪ SCOOP DOO
DOOP-DOOP-DOOBETY-DOO ♪ [Indistinct]
♪ DOOP DOO
SCOOP-DOOP-DEE-DOO... ♪♪
ONCE AGAIN, WE'D LIKE TO THANK
Y'ALL FOR... THANKS FOR JOININ' US...
[Man Shouting, Indistinct]
JOIN US NEXT WEEK!
THANK YOU! [All Chattering]
♪♪ [Hip-hop] HI, MOM!
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
EIGHT TIMES FIVE...
CARRY THE THREE.
AW, DAMN IT.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS
SPEECH TOMORROW,
AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO ABOUT THE... ECONOMY.
[TV: Male Announcer] DO
YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MAN?
[Announcer Continues] IF YOU DON'T,
YOU'RE NOT WATCHING ENOUGH TELEVISION.
HE'S TOMMY WU.
[Tommy] HEY, IDIOT!
ROTTING IN YOUR OWN FILTH!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
EXCELLENT LIFESTYLE I'M LIVING? DING!
JUST A FEW MOMENTS TO
AIR, MR. PRESIDENT. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. LET'S CLEAR.
[Exhales] [Man]
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO...
FELLOW AMERICANS,
I'VE BEEN STAYING UP LATE, NIGHTHAWKIN'
IT, BURNIN' THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS,
THINKIN' ABOUT THIS...
ECONOMIC MESS WE'RE IN.
AND I'LL TELL YA, THE WHOLE THING
MAKES ME WANNA EXHALE LIQUID.
BUT I'M NOT GONNA,
NOT THIS TIME.
I'VE GOT A LITTLE
TRICK UP MY SLEEVE.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, PLEASE WELCOME
MY NEW CHIEF ECONOMIC ADVISOR...
THE DONALD TRUMP
OF THE ORIENT...
AND THE REIGNING KING
OF LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION...
MR. TOMMY WU.
COME ON OUT HERE, TOM.
THANK YOU, MR. GEORGE.
JAPANESE SAY PROBLEM
WITH U.S. ECONOMY...
IS THAT AMERICAN
WORKER FAT AND LAZY.
OH, YEAH. BUT THEY
ONLY GOT IT HALF RIGHT.
AMERICAN WORKER STUPID TOO.
YOU WANT TO SEE NICE PICTURE
OF AMERICAN AUTO WORKER?
THEN LOOK UP
"IMBECILE" IN DICTIONARY.
WHOA, WU. WHOA.
STICK TO THE THOUSAND
POINTS OF LIGHT. SORRY.
OKAY. PLAN IS SO SIMPLE EVEN
AMERICAN CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
STEP ONE.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
BEAUTIFUL CALIFORNIA GIRL...
WITH INTELLIGENCE OF HEAD LICE.
STEP TWO. BUY SPORT CAR.
THAT ALL MAKES PERFECT
SENSE. THEN WHAT, WU?
THAT IT, STUPID!
NOW PEOPLE LEND YOU MONEY...
BECAUSE THEY THINK
YOU'RE SO DAMN SUCCESSFUL.
I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH, BUT I'VE CHECKED IT OUT...
SCRUTINIZED IT,
SPANKED IT, DIAPERED IT,
KICKED IT IN THE PANTS, RAN IT UP
THE FLAG POLE TO SEE WHO'D SALUTE.
AND I'M HERE TO TELL
YA, TOM WU'S PLAN WORKS.
SEE, AFTER I TOOK THE SEMINAR,
I PICKED UP THIS
HOUSE... NO MONEY DOWN.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO
THAT? AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
PRESIDENT BUSH GOT BOAT!
GOT PRIVATE PLANE!
HE EVEN TAKE VACATION
IN MIDDLE OF GULF WAR!
AND I'LL TELL YA ANOTHER THING.
NOT EVERY WOMAN I SLEEP WITH LOOKS
LIKE SHE JUST STEPPED OFF A $1.00 BILL.
HEY THERE, GEORGIE'S GIRLS.
THAT'S RIGHT. SINCE
BUSH LEARN SECRET,
NO LONGER PEOPLE
CALL HIM "LIMP WIMP."
NO WAY, WU.
NOT SINCE I BOUGHT UP FIVE DEFUNCT
S AND L's FOR 10 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR.
AND HOW MUCH PROFIT YOU
MAKE ON THOSE, GEORGE?
I MADE 300,000 G's.
G's FOR GEORGE.
NOW, WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT?
AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT TOMMY
WU'S PLAN WORKED FOR BARBARA TOO.
COME ON OUT HERE, BAR.
SO, IF YOU CAN READ
AT ALL, READ MY LIPS.
STOP STIMULATING YOURSELF,
AND STIMULATE ECONOMY!
AND READ MY LIPS.
ASK YOURSELF NOT WHAT
YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU,
BUT ASK YOURSELF... [Together]
WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT?
GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME
YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO
ME MMM, GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE IT TO
ME GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ JUST GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ MMM, YOU GOTTA
GIVE IT TO ME JUST... ♪♪
[Man] AND NOW ANOTHER
EPISODE OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
THIS IS PATHETIC.
I'M SHOCKED THAT AN
OFFICER FROM THIS PRECINCT...
HAS STOLEN $20,000
IN EVIDENCE MONEY.
COME ON, CHIEF. NO ONE
IN THIS ROOM IS A THIEF.
I DON'T KNOW, PARTNER. SMELLS LIKE
SOMEONE STOLE YOUR DEODORANT.
I'M GONNA SEARCH EVERY OFFICER'S LOCKER
IN THIS ROOM, STARTING WITH THE HEAD.
CHIEF, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
HEAD'S NEVER DONE A DISHONEST
THING IN HIS LIFE. LOOK AT THIS FACE.
SORRY, HEAD. I'VE GOTTA
DO WHAT I GOTTA DO.
WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK
WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
I DIDN'T DO IT. IT'S A
SETUP. CAN'T YOU SEE?
THEY'RE TRYIN' TO SET
ME UP. I DIDN'T TAKE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
PROBLEM IS, HEAD?
YOU'RE CAUGHT RED-HANDED, AND YOU
CAN'T EVEN ADMIT IT. YOU HAVE NO GUTS.
THAT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE
YOU. I DON'T HAVE ANY SPLEEN.
I GOT ONE GENITAL
AND A HALF A COLON.
SHUT UP, HEAD.
I'M SENDING YOU AWAY
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
I-I WON'T GO. YOU CAN'T SEND
ME AWAY. TELL 'IM, PARTNER.
GET OUTTA HERE, YOU
THIEF. OH! [Loud Thud]
[Inmates Chattering]
GEE, I STICK MY NECK OUT FOR
THE FORCE ALL THESE YEARS,
AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?
[Sighs] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?
OH, MAN, THEY SAID I LOOKED
UP SOME LADY'S DRESS.
IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD ANY
CHOICE IN THE MATTER.
YEAH. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT KIND
OF A NICE SMILE YOURSELF.
HEY! DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M NOT INTO HEADS, OKAY?
SAY, LOOK, PAL, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T
RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEELINGS IN HERE.
I MEAN, WE'RE GONNA BE HERE
FOR THREE YEARS TOGETHER.
LISTEN, BUDDY, YOU STAY ON YOUR SIDE
OF THE CAGE. I'LL STAY ON MINE, OKAY?
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I
WANNA GET SOME SLEEP.
WELL, YEAH, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
THE BED'S ON MY SIDE OF THE CAGE.
OKAY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO SHAVE FIRST.
HE LOVES ME.
HE LOVES ME NOT.
[Snoring] HE LOVES ME.
[Snoring Continues]
HE LOVES ME NOT.
[Loud Whisper] PSST!
HEAD! YES, DARLING?
HEAD, WAKE UP. IT'S
ME. HEY, PARTNER.
HEY, WHO'S THAT WITH YOU?
OH, THAT'S JUST, UH...
HE'S JUST LOU, A GUY I MET.
- YOU DIDN'T...
- WHAT, LIKE IT? NO.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT. OF COURSE I
DIDN'T. IT WAS JUST A LITTLE FOOTSIE.
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH! OKAY,
OKAY. WE'LL DEAL WITH THAT LATER.
LISTEN, I KNOW WHO
FRAMED YOU, HEAD. WHO?
- IT WAS THE CHIEF.
- OH, GOD, NO.
YOU GOTTA GET ME OUTTA
HERE. ALL RIGHT. HANG ON.
HEY, PARTNER. ONE
OTHER THING. YEAH?
LET'S KIND OF KEEP THIS
BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
SURE. OUR SECRET, HEAD.
THANKS.
AND WHERE THE HELL DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?
UH-OH. THEY GOT US
SURROUNDED, HEAD.
NONSENSE, PARTNER. REMEMBER
WHEN YOU PLAYED WITH PELÉ?
MAN, YOU WERE THE GREATEST
SOCCER PLAYER IN THE WORLD.
HEAD, THIS IS NO
TIME TO REMINISCE.
NO. DON'T YOU SEE WHAT I'M
DRIVIN' AT? KICK ME PAST 'EM.
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
DAMN IT! JUST DO IT.
ALL RIGHT. ! JUEGAN, AMIGOS!
[Man] GO, MAN! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
[Cheering, Chattering]
[Cheering]
HEY. HEY, BRING HIM BACK HERE.
I'LL GIVE YOU A
PACK OF CIGARETTES.
[Chortling]
ALL RIGHT. YES.
PEEKABOO.
LOOK LIKE THE GAME'S
OVER, HUH, CHIEF?
I JUST WANNA KNOW ONE
THING. WHY'D YOU FRAME ME?
I HAD TO.
FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS, YOU'VE
WON THE OFFICE LIMBO CONTEST,
AND I'M SICK OF IT.
WITH YOU OUT OF THE WAY,
I WAS GUARANTEED TO
BE LIMBO CHAMP THIS YEAR.
[Whimpering] NOW YOU'VE
RUINED EVERYTHING.
YEAH, WELL, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE GONNA DO SOME TIME, CHIEF.
I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO
TO MY FRIEND, BIG LOU.
NO! NO, NOT LOU! NOT
LOU! YEAH. BIG LOU.
HE LIKES IT WHEN
YOU TOUCH HIS BEARD.
THE CREEP.
♪♪ [Limbo] [All]
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
[Whooping] [Cheering]
ALL RIGHT, PARTNER. YOUR TURN.
HECK. YOU BETTER LOWER
THAT ABOUT 25 INCHES.
- I WANNA GO ANKLE-HIGH.
[Whoops] - COME ON!
[All Cheering, Chattering]
[Cheering, Chattering Continue]
LOWER! [Man] KEEP
GOING! GO! GO LOW!
AH-HA-HA! WHOO!
[All Cheering]
[Man] THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER
EPISODE OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
ON BEHALF OF THE UNITED NATIONS,
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT A
PEACEFUL SETTLEMENT HAS BEEN REACHED...
BETWEEN THE
PALESTINIANS AND ISRAELIS,
AND WE HOPE IT LASTS
A THOUSAND YEARS.
[Delegates Applauding]
NOW, TO HELP US CELEBRATE
THIS NEW BEGINNING,
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A
GOODWILL AMBASSADOR...
WHO HAS BROUGHT
LAUGHTER TO THOUSANDS.
PLEASE WELCOME DON RICKLES.
[Applause] ♪♪ [Bullfighting]
♪♪ [Stops] THANK YOU, MY DARLING,
FOR THAT WONDERFUL INTRODUCTION.
NOW WAIT IN THE CAR. ANYWAY...
YEAH, BABY. CAN I GET A "AMEN"?
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
CUT IT OFF, THOUGH,
BECAUSE THE ARAB WAS
GONNA MAKE A BID. AW!
BY THE WAY, HABIB, YOUR WIFE
CALLED. THE SLURPEE MACHINE IS BROKE.
ANYWAY...
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S HERE. SOMEBODY
RUBBED A LAMP, AND I GET THREE WISHES. AW!
NO, SERIOUSLY, MY FRIEND,
GOD KNOWS I LOVE
THE ARAB PEOPLE.
I COUGH THEIR
NAMES UP EVERY DAY.
[Hawking] ACHMED!
AW! [Man Laughing]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
YOU'RE AN ISRAELI. PARDON ME. I DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU WITHOUT THE GAS MASK.
AW!
LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL
AT HOME. INCOMING SCUD!
NOW THAT'S COMEDY. [Chuckling]
WHO ASKED YOU? AW!
I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR AT THIS TIME TO
ADDRESS THE IRAQI DELEGATE HERE TODAY.
PUT YOUR VEIL BACK ON, MA'AM.
AW! YOU'RE SCARING THE POLISH
GUY. LOOK AT THE POLISH GUY.
HE'S PUTTIN' ON HEADPHONES. HE
THINKS WE'RE GONNA SHOW A MOVIE.
FIRE ON THE WING!
WE'RE GOIN' DOWN!
EXCUSE ME. I AM CZECHOSLOVAKIAN.
OH, BIG DIFFERENCE. HITLER
TOOK THEM BOTH IN 20 MINUTES.
OF COURSE, HE HAD AN
ARMY. WHAT DID YOU HAVE?
GIRL SCOUTS SELLING COOKIES
AT THE BORDER. ANYWAY...
IT'S GOOD TO SEE THE
GERMANS REUNITED AGAIN...
- SIEGFRIED AND ROY.
- THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
THIS MAN IS GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING
WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED HERE.
I'M SORRY. I REALLY DIDN'T
KNOW HE WOULD BE LIKE THIS.
GIVE HIM A COUPLE MORE
MINUTES. I'M SURE HE'LL CALM DOWN.
OH! OH! OH!
OH! THE GREEK HAS
GOTTEN RESTLESS.
LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO THE
GREEKS. STAY IN FRONT OF ME, OKAY, PAL?
ANYWAY... SERIOUSLY,
YOU'RE A BIG DUMMY.
AW! WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE LIKE THE IRISH GUY?
I LOVE THE IRISH...
ALWAYS QUIET AND HAPPY.
WATCH ME WIPE THE
SMILE OFF HIS FACE.
LAST CALL! ANYWAY...
WHERE'S THE
ITALIAN? WHERE IS HE?
OH. BLESS YOU, SIR.
THE ITALIANS ARE VERY MUCH
A PART OF THE FOUNDATION...
OF THIS GREAT
COUNTRY WE LIVE IN.
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE
ARE ALSO A COUPLE OF
THEM IN THE FOUNDATION
OF THIS BUILDING. AW!
- THIS MAN IS SCUM.
- OH! OH, GREAT!
I'M BEING HECKLED BY A BLACK GUY
FROM ZANABA... ZANAMA... WHATEVER.
AW! DIDN'T I SEE YOU
ON TRILOGY OF TERROR?
ANYWAY...
WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?
MY NAME IS MOTUMBO.
MOTUMBO. ENGLISH
TRANSLATION... LEROY.
AW!
IS HE COMING TOWARDS ME?
SOMEBODY GET THE ELEPHANT GUN.
AW! LOOK! TRACKS.
MOTUMBO, WHITE
WOMEN... THAT WAY. AW!
SERIOUSLY, MY FRIEND, WE'RE
ALL THE SAME ON THIS EARTH.
AND FROM THE BOTTOM
OF MY HEART... OONGAWA!
- AW!
- THIS MAN DESERVES
TO BE TORTURED!
LET'S RIG HIS CAR
WITH DYNAMITE. YES.
I CAN GET IT FOR YOU WHOLESALE.
I SAY SHRINK HIS
HEAD. SHRINK HIS HEAD.
WAIT! RAIN MAN ISN'T
OVER YET. [Scoffs]
[Muttering] WHY DON'T YOU
GO UP TO THE ICE RINK?
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF HOCKEY PUCKS.
♪ I'M A NICE GUY ♪
♪ I'M A NICE GUY ♪♪
♪♪ [Movie: Sound Track]
[Bodyguards Laughing]
OH, THIS IS GREAT... A THEATER
THAT STILL SHOWS THE GOLDEN CHILD.
[Laughing] I SHOULD BUY
MORE MOVIE HOUSES.
THEN THEY COULD SHOW
HARLEM NIGHTS TOO.
RIGHT, FRUITY? [Laughing]
YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT.
[Loud, Braying Laughter]
I KNOW THE MOVIE'S FUNNY,
BUT THIS GUY IS LAUGHING...
THIS GUY'S LAUGHIN' SO HARD,
I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF LAUGH.
HEY, MAN, YOU
WANNA KEEP IT DOWN?
HEY, MAN. THAT'S IT...
YO, MAN. WHAT'S... HEY, MAN.
YO, MAN, WHAT'S UP? WHY
YOU LAUGHIN' LIKE A JACKASS?
EDDIE! IF THE
SHOE FITS, WEAR IT.
OH, MY MAIN MAN, EDDIE.
SIT YOUR LEATHER-CLAD,
WANNA-BE-A-ROCK-STAR,
HUNK OF BURNIN' BUTT
ON DOWN NEXT TO ME.
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE
OLD TIMES, EDDIE.
HEY, LOOK, WHAT... WHAT
ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
OH. I'M SURPRISED YOU
DON'T REMEMBER ME, EDDIE.
IT WAS FOUR LONG YEARS AGO THAT
YOU SENTENCED ME TO MY OWN SHOW...
WHEN YOU KNEW I WANTED
TO BE A MOVIE STAR, EDDIE.
DID YOU SEE AMAZON
WOMEN ON THE MOON?
LET ME REFRESH
YOUR MEMORY. [Screams]
I SHOULD'VE WON AN
OSCAR FOR THAT ONE, EDDIE.
NOW BYRON ALLEN IS DOIN'
FUNNIER SKETCHES THAN ME.
KADEEM HARDISON'S OUT OF TOWN, AND I
GOT THE NIELSENS BREATHIN' DOWN MY "BACK."
SO I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE ME SOME OF THAT "BE MY BEST FRIEND,
WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME
ALL NIGHT" MURPHY MAGIC.
BACK TO THE SHOW!
LOOK, I WANTED TO DO MORE CAMEOS,
BUT YOU WAS ALWAYS AROUND ME.
I NEEDED SOME BREATHING ROOM. I'M SORRY
FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU A LONG TIME AGO,
BUT THAT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO, ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT?
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW
"LONG TIME," EDDIE.
YOU HAVE NO
CONCEPT OF TIME AT ALL.
YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO
INTERVIEW ED ASNER.
AND PAIN? HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED KISSIN' DIANA ROSS?
THE HAIR MOVES WHILE YOU'RE
REACHIN' FOR THE LIPS, EDDIE.
BESIDES THAT, I SEEN AN OLD PICTURE
OF PAULA ABDUL BEFORE THE NOSE JOB.
NOW THAT'S PAIN.
OH, LOOK, MAN. YOU BUGGIN',
MAN. I'M OUTTA HERE. I'M OUT.
VENGEANCE IS MINE!
TELL ME, MY PEOPLE.
EDDIE.
EDDIE, LET ME MAKE
MYSELF VERY CLEAR.
I GET INTO 20 MILLION
HOMES A NIGHT.
I CAN GET INTO YOURS.
I WANT YOUR CAREER,
EDDIE. YOUR CAREER.
EXCEPT FOR THEM LAST
THREE MUSIC VIDEOS YOU DONE.
♪ I JUST WANNA
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪♪
THAT OUGHTA DO IT.
NOW, LET'S SEE IF
HE'S STILL OUTSIDE.
EDDIE, YOU BEEN A BAD BOY.
NOW, MY PEOPLE TELL ME
YOU HAVE A RESTRAINING
ORDER AGAINST ME, AND
THAT IT'S LEGALLY BINDING.
BUT DON'T FEEL BAD, EDDIE.
I COULD BE ART BUCHWALD.
YES. WE'RE GONNA
PARTY ALL THE TIME.
PARTY ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S IT. I'M
CALLIN' THE POLICE.
HELLO. THIS IS EDDIE MURPHY.
I'D LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME.
HUH? OKAY. JUST ONCE.
[Signature Laugh]
WHAT? ALL RIGHT.
[Imitating Bill Cosby] I WOULD LIKE TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS...
THAT YOU'VE BEEN
SAYIN' ON THE SHOW.
[Drops Imitation] NOW
CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?
OKAY. I'D LIKE TO REPORT
THAT SOMEBODY IS...
HE'S... THAT'S FUNNY. HE'S GONE.
NEVER MIND.
BOY, I'M THIRSTY. CONSUELA, CAN
I GET SOME EVIAN OR SOMETHIN'?
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO,
MAN. LET'S DO THIS.
OH, EDDIE, DON'T YOU HATE
WHEN YOUR MOUTH GET ALL DRY...
AND YOU GET THAT WHITE STUFF ALL UP IN
HERE AND THAT CRUST RUNNIN' ON THE SIDE?
PEOPLE BE LOOKIN'
AT YOU, GOIN', "DAMN.
IS THAT EDDIE MURPHY
OR CICELY TYSON?"
HERE'S YOUR WATER.
EDDIE, DON'T BE FRIGHTENED.
I'M JUST HERE TO DO WHATEVER IT
TAKES TO HAVE YOU COME AND DO ONE...
JUST ONE GUEST SPOT ON THE SHOW.
I'LL CLEAN THE HOUSE.
I'LL SHINE YOUR TABLE.
HEY, LET ME UPDATE YOUR SUIT...
TAKE THE BELLS OUT FOR YOU.
LOOK, THAT'S IT. I'M
CALLIN' JOE PISCOPO,
AND HE'S GONNA COME UP
HERE, HE'S GONNA BUST YOUR ASS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, JOE...
JOE COULD USE THE WORK.
YES. THE STEROIDS DEFINITELY
AFFECTED HIS CAREER. OH.
YO. WHAT SEEMS TO
BE THE PROBLEM NOW?
I DON'T KNOW, MY MAN.
SHE SEEMS TO BE STUCK.
LOOK, JUST GUN IT, ALL RIGHT?
[Revving]
YOU CAN RUN, BUT
YOU CAN'T HIDE, EDDIE.
YOU CAN'T HIDE.
♪ WE'RE JUST GONNA ♪
♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME
PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪♪
[Screaming] [Announcer]
CAPE FEAR II.
OUR PEOPLE TELL US IT'S COMING
SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
YEA!
♪ BOP DOO BOP-BOP-DEE-BOO ♪
♪ SCOOP DOO
DOOP-DOOP-DOOBETY-DOO ♪ [Indistinct]
♪ DOOP DOO
SCOOP-DOOP-DEE-DOO... ♪♪
ONCE AGAIN, WE'D LIKE TO THANK
Y'ALL FOR... THANKS FOR JOININ' US...
[Man Shouting, Indistinct]
JOIN US NEXT WEEK!
THANK YOU! [All Chattering]
♪♪ [Hip-hop] HI, MOM!