In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Best of in Living Color 2 - full transcript
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪
HI. I'M KEENEN IVORY WAYANS. THANKS
FOR TUNING IN TO IN LIVING COLOR.
CHECK IT OUT. HOW MANY TIMES YOU
BEEN SITTING AROUND WITH FRIENDS,
TRYING TO TELL THEM YOUR
FAVORITE SKETCH FROM THE SHOW?
ONLY THEY DIDN'T SEE IT. WELL, CHECK
IT OUT. THIS IS WHAT I DONE FOR YOU.
I PUT ALL THE BEST
INTO ONE SHOW.
SO CALL YOUR FRIENDS,
HAVE THEM WATCH.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. PEACE.
NEXT!
VRROOOM.
IS THIS THE ARMY
RECRUCIFICATION OFFICE, SIR?
NOW, YOU PROBABLY WANT
THE ETERNAL LIFE MISSION.
IT'S DOWN THE STREET
AND AROUND THE BLOCK.
NO, I'VE COME TO
BE ALL I CAN BE,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN WHAT I'VE BEEN
AND IT AIN'T PAYING TOO WELL.
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING, BOY. HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU
HAVE TO OFFER THE ARMY?
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, SIR.
SEE, 'CAUSE I'M AN
ENTERTAINER, YOU KNOW?
IF YOU GAVE ME FIVE DOLLARS,
I COULD GO OVER
TO SALTY ARMENIA...
AND ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS, SEE?
'CAUSE I'M A REGULAR BOOGIE-WOOGIE
BUGLE BOY OF COMPANY "B."
I'M A BOOGIE-WOOGIE
BUGLE BOY... COMPAN...
HERE. CAMOUFLAGE THAT FOR ME.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME. I AM IN THE BUSINESS
OF SIGNING UP REAL LIVE SOLDIERS, MAGGOT!
MAGGOT? HEY, I AIN'T NO MAGGOT.
HEY, I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
WITH ANOTHER MAN BEFORE.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT, CLARENCE?
HE'S LYING. HE'S LYING. I'M TELLING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ONCE.
I WAS DESPERATE.
I NEEDED THE MONEY. I WAS DRUNK
AND DOWN OUT. DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! I'M IN
THE MIDDLE OF A RAPID DEPLOYMENT!
WELL, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF UNEMPLOYMENT,
SO WE GOT SOMETHING IN COMMON.
YOU KNOW, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE
TO SEND YOU OVER TO IRAQ... MM-HMM.
I DON'T THINK YOU'D
LAST 10 MINUTES.
OKAY, JUST FOR INSTANCE,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD TO
ENGAGE THE ENEMY IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT?
[Sniffles] THAT'S
NO PROBLEM, SEE,
'CAUSE I'M SKILLED
IN THE MARTIAN ARTS.
I KNOW TAI CHI. WHAA!
I KNOW TAE KWON DO. [Yapping]
AND I KNOW TYRONE. HE
TAUGHT ME ALL THAT STUFF.
YOU KNOW, LIKE
HOW TO TAKE A ROPE.
JUST A SIMPLE ROPE...
ANYTHING BECOMES A WEAPON.
YOU TAKE THAT
OUT AND... [Mumbles]
OH, THAT'S THE
SECRET WEAPON THERE.
EWWW.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
WELL, THAT WAS A
SAMPLE OF MY NERVE GAS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THAT DOES IT.
GET OUT OF HERE. GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!
WELL, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD ON.
WAIT A MINUTE, UH, UNCLE
SAMBO. HEY, HEY, HEY.
I WANT TO SERVE MY COUNTRY.
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE
DOLLARS IF YOU GET OUT OF
HERE AND FORGET YOU
EVER HEARD ABOUT THE ARMY.
COME ON! TAKE IT! WELL, THE GUY
DOWN AT THE NAVY OFFICE GAVE ME...
AH, HERE'S $10. WELL, THE
GUY AT THE COAST GUARD...
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S $25. JUST GO!
$25, GET YOU $45.
$45? $55? $55? $55?
SOLD! $55! HEY, HEY, HEY!
CARLA, THE COAST IS CLEAR.
CAN I BORROW, UH, YOU
KNOW, A FEMININE PRODUCT?
- OH, YOU MEAN A TAMPON?
- SHH. YES. HURRY.
THANKS.
THAT TIME OF THE
MONTH, HUH, JOYCE?
THAT'S NOT CLEAVAGE.
IT'S SWELLING.
SUFFERING FROM
P.M.S., JOYCE? [Laughs]
SEE? I TOLD YOU
SHE LOOKED BLOATED.
CAN'T SEEM TO DISGUISE THE FACT
THAT IT'S YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH?
WELL, NOW FEMCO BRINGS
YOU FASHION TAMPONS.
STYLISH, COMFORTABLE AND FUN.
THEY COME IN ASSORTED
COLORS AND GO WITH ANY OUTFIT.
OOH, JOYCE, I LOVE
THOSE EARRINGS!
THANKS, CARLA. ACTUALLY,
THEY'RE TAMPONS...
CONVENIENTLY PACKAGED
IN BOXES OF 12, 24 AND 186.
AND THEY'RE SUPER ABSORBENT.
SOMETHING YOU JUST CAN'T
FIND IN OTHER FASHION WEAR.
FASHION TAMPONS. WELL, HONEY, I'M
JUST GONNA GO ON DOWN AND GET ME SOME.
GEE, JOYCE, YOU
LOOK GREAT TODAY.
I LIKE A WOMAN WHO CAN
ACCESSORIZE. REALLY TURNS ME ON.
NICE DRESS, JOYCE.
THIS OLD RAG?
FASHION TAMPONS. BECAUSE AT THAT TIME
OF THE MONTH, YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD.
[Woman] AND THERE'S ALSO
FASHION MAXI AND MINI PADS...
FOR THE WOMAN ON THE GO.
FASHION TAMPONS FROM FEMCO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR
COMING IN. COME VISIT US AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
LATER.
YO, YO, FIGHT THE POWER.
[Chuckles]
HEY, JOY! WHAT?
JOY! WHAT?
JOY! WHAT?
JOY! WHAT?
COME HERE. WHAT IF I DON'T?
I WON'T PUT YOU
IN MY NEXT MOVIE.
LOOK, SPIKE. HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
IT'S NOT JOY. IT'S JOI.
JOY, WE'RE BACK IN BROOKLYN,
ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT?
IN BROOKLYN, IT'S
JOY, NOT JOI, OKAY?
IT'S NOT JACKAY, ALL
RIGHT? IT'S JACKIE.
IT'S NOT SADE, ALL
RIGHT? IT'S SADIE.
ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
WHAT YOU GONNA CALL ME NEXT?
WHAT YOU GONNA CALL ME, SPIKAY?
GET OUTTA HERE. I WANNA
SHOW YOU MY NEW PRODUCT.
CHECK IT OUT. AH,
YOU LIKES, RIGHT?
YOU LIKES, RIGHT? AH, THIS IS
THE MO' BETTER BUTTER DISPENSER.
CHECK IT OUT.
AH.
I'VE TASTED BUTTER, BUT
THIS IS MO' BETTER BUTTER.
GO STACK THAT OVER THERE.
STACK IT BY THE MALCOLM EX-LAX.
I GOT A CUSTOMER.
CAN I HELP YOU? YEAH,
DO YOU CARRY SNEAKERS?
SNEAKERS? YEAH.
LIKE TENNIS SHOES? RIGHT.
LIKE BASKETBALL SHOES? YES.
LIKE JUST PLAIN SNEAKERS? YES.
GOT 'EM. OH, GREAT.
CHECK IT OUT. MY OWN LINE.
OH. SPIKES. YOU LIKE?
NO. COME ON. YOU GOTTA LIKE.
NO, I... COME ON,
LOOK. YOU GOTTA LIKE.
I DON'T. PLEASE,
BABY, BABY, PLEASE.
PLEASE, BABY, BABY, BABY,
BABY. PLEASE, BABY, BABY, PLEASE.
PLEASE, BABY, BABY. PLEASE,
BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY.
PLEASE, BABY, BABY,
PLEASE. OKAY, I'LL TAKE THEM.
ALL RIGHT. YOU SURE? YES.
YOU WANT 'EM? YES.
YOU BUY 'EM? YES.
YOU SURE? ABSOLUTELY.
ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN PAY
FOR THEM RIGHT OVER HERE.
YOU GET A COPY OF
SCHOOL DAZE WITH THAT.
OH. THAT'S OKAY. IT'S FREE.
OH, IT'S FREE? FREE.
THAT'S OKAY.
[Mumbling] GET OUTTA HERE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO
YOU WANT? I'M GONNA GO BROKE!
HERE! HERE! YOU'RE
GONNA DRIVE ME CRAZY.
MM-MM-MM. THANK YOU. YOU
SOUND LIKE A MACHINE GUN.
[Radio] ♪ THAT MAKE
THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪
EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU TURN
THE RADIO DOWN, PLEASE?
♪ I WRITE THE SONGS OF LOVE
AND SPECIAL THINGS ♪♪ EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU TURN YOUR
RADIO DOWN, PLEASE? HEY!
EXCUSE ME. I'D LIKE TO RETURN
THIS FREE COPY OF SCHOOL DAZE.
WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S DEFECTIVE?
NO. I DIDN'T GO TO A BLACK
COLLEGE. I JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
CAN YOU PLEASE TURN
YOUR RADIO DOWN? HEY.
[Phone Ringing] CAN YOU
PLEASE TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN?
HELLO. SPIKE'S JOINT.
HA, HA, HA, VERY FUNNY.
DELIVER PIZZAS TO YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, RIGHT. FOR THE 40th
TIME, HELL NO! ♪♪ [Continues]
CAN YOU TURN YOUR
RADIO DOWN, PLEASE?
HEY, SPIKE. WHY
DOESN'T NIKE APPOINT ANY
BLACK PEOPLE TO ITS
BOARD OF DIRECTORS, MAN?
IT'S A VERY COMPLICATED ISSUE, ALL RIGHT?
BUT YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN MY NEW BOOK:
THE MAKING OF NIKE COMMERCIALS.
ALL RIGHT? $9.95.
I NEED 20 TRIPLE "A" BATTERIES FOR MY
RADIO. WE DON'T HAVE ANY BATTERIES.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TURN
YOUR RADIO DOWN. NO BATTERIES?
TWENTY TRIPLE "A"?
TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN.
TURN THAT DOWN. WE DON'T
HAVE ANY BATTERIES. EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME. MOOKIE, WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S... IT'S NOT MOOKIE, ALL
RIGHT? IT'S SPIKE, ALL RIGHT?
TURN THE RADIO DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[Stammering] GET OUTTA
HERE. GET OUTTA HERE.
- GET OUTTA HERE!
- HOW COME THERE'S NO WHITE
PEOPLE ON THE WALL, MAN?
[Overlapping Yelling]
THIS IS SPIKE'S JOINT, ALL RIGHT?
WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN JOINT,
[Overlapping Yelling Continues]
YOU CAN PUT ANYBODY
YOU WANT ON THE WALL.
[Yelling Continues] THE GUY
WHO WAS IN GILLIGAN, MAN.
HUH? HOW COME HE'S NOT...
[Baby Crying]
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE THINKING, "HEY, NOW'S A GREAT TIME
TO THROW A TRASH CAN THROUGH THE WINDOW."
WELL, I COULDN'T
AGREE WITH YOU MORE.
THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT TRASH
CANS IN THE BACK FOR $15.
ALL RIGHT? THEY'RE
LIGHTWEIGHT AND RIOT SIZE.
WHAT A DISCOUNT.
YOU'LL ALSO GET A FREE
COPY OF SCHOOL DAZE.
OH, FORGET IT. NAH, NEVER MIND.
GET OUTTA HERE!
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
M-M-M-M-MIDGET.
[Applause]
LEGALLY REPRESSING
MY "BALLSITUDE,"
I'VE RETRACTED MY "GODADS"
WITH GIGANTIC PROPORTIONS.
AND THE SIGNING OF
THE PROHIBITION, YOU SEE,
DEFECATES THE
FLUIDS OF THE TENSION...
BETWEEN THE ESSENCE OF THE
EURO INTERCOURSE, YOU SEE.
[Woman] A.T. + T. ALLOWS YOU TO
REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE,
EVEN WHEN THEY
DON'T GET OUT MUCH.
RIGHT, EXACTLY.
OKAY, BROTHER, OKAY.
SEE, ALL YOU'RE DOING
RIGHT NOW... UH-HUH.
IS FLATULATING YOUR LIQUIDS,
OKAY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT WAS
HOMO ERECTUS... RIGHT.
THAT SAID TO EXPOSE THE
HEMORRHOIDAL RAMIFICATION... UH-HUH.
WOULD MERELY DELINEATE
THE COLONIC ORIFICE, OOH!
THEREBY SEPARATING THE
GLUTEUS FROM THE MAXIMUS.
WELL, HOMO WAS
VERY DEEP, UH-HUH.
BUT YOU SEEM TO MASTICATE THE
PROCLAMATION, MY BROTHER, OKAY.
BECAUSE THE
GASTROINTESTINAL PHLEBITIS...
PROSTIGATES THE "CRUSTATION"
OF THE COLOSTOMY, OKAY.
IF THAT'S YOUR BAG.
UH-HUH. PREACHER!
RIGHT. AND FURTHER "HINDRANT"
THE PYORRHEA, WHICH HAS...
EXCUSE ME? UH, YOU
GOT ME, BROTHER.
THE DIARRHEA. OKAY.
MOVING TOWARD THE
ANGINA OR "BAGINA,"
DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH TIME
YOU GOT. MAN, YOU ARE METAMUCIL.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
♪ TALK TO ME ♪
♪ IF YOU FEEL THE NEED AND
WHEN YOU NEED THE FEELING ♪
♪ TALK TO ME ♪♪
TIRED OF MAKING UP LAME EXCUSES?
DON'T YOU WANNA
CUDDLE? BABY NEEDS A HUG.
[Yawning] I CAN'T HUG YOU
RIGHT NOW. I'M STILL SLEEPING.
[Announcer] IS POSTCOITAL
CUDDLING BRINGING YOU DOWN?
SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I GOT TO BE
SOMEWHERE AT 6:00 TOMORROW MORNING.
THEN I'LL LEAVE WITH YOU.
NO. BUT, UH, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE WITH ME,
'CAUSE MY CAR WAS IN AN ACCIDENT
AND IT ONLY HAS ONE SEAT LEFT.
THEN I'LL SIT ON
YOUR LAP. UH, LISTEN.
NOW, I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO
TELL YOU THIS, AND IT'S TOP SECRET.
I'M ON A MISSION FOR THE
C.I.A. I HAVE TO TRAVEL ALONE.
IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
BUT IF YOU DIE, I
DON'T WANNA LIVE.
[Thinking] GEEZ, WHAT DO I
HAVE TO DO TO GET RID OF HER?
[Announcer] SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED
THE EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
YES, IT'S SIMPLE TO OPERATE AND CAN EJECT
UP TO 2,000 POUNDS IN A SINGLE THRUST.
OH, WOW. THIS NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
I GUESS I MUST'VE BEEN
UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.
MAYBE SOME FRESH AIR MIGHT HELP.
[Announcer] YES,
THE EJECTOR BED.
YOUR BEST FRIEND
IN A STICKY SITUATION.
[Woman] HONEY, I'M HOME. [Gasps]
IT'S MY WIFE. OH, NO!
WHERE WILL I HIDE?
[Announcer] DON'T GET
CAUGHT WITHOUT ONE.
THE EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
EJECTOR DESK AND EJECTOR
CHAIR SOLD SEPARATELY.
BLOOD PRESSURE
STABLE AT 120 OVER 70.
DOC, HOW'S MY PARTNER?
IS HE GONNA PULL THROUGH?
HE'S IN PRETTY BAD SHAPE.
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF.
OH, MY GOD!
LOOK, LOOK, DOC. DO WHATEVER YOU GOTTA
DO, MAN. BUT PLEASE, MAKE HIM WHOLE AGAIN.
WE CAN REBUILD HIM. WE HAVE
THE TECHNOLOGY, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S GONNA COST YOU
SIX MILLION DOLLARS.
SIX MILLION DOLLARS? THE DEPARTMENT
DOESN'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.
15,000. LOOK.
I GOT, UM... LET'S SEE. TWENTY
TWENTY-ONE, TWENTY-TWO.
ANOTHER FIVE. TWENTY-EIGHT.
TWENTY-EIGHT, UM...
FORTY-FIVE, ALL
RIGHT? THERE'S $28.45.
WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE
ANYTHING, BUT WE'LL TRY.
[Sighs] HE'LL BE A LOT
SHORTER AND A LITTLE SLOWER.
BUT AT LEAST HE'LL
BE ALIVE. THANKS, MAN.
WE GOTTA GET YOU OUTTA HERE.
HANG IN THERE, PARTNER.
[Announcer] COMING THIS
SPRING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU,
THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
THE HEAD ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN.
LET'S JUST FORGET IT, MAN. HE'S
TOO FAR AWAY. WE'LL NEVER CATCH HIM.
THROW ME AT HIM. WHAT?
I SAID THROW ME AT
HIM. I CAN DO IT, PARTNER.
- NO WAY, MAN. TOO DANGEROUS!
- JUST DO IT!
AH, WATCH MY BRAIN.
- WAY TO GO, MAN!
- FREEZE, SLIMEBALL.
DON'T MAKE ME CHASE
YOU ANY FURTHER.
[Announcer] AND WOMEN
FIND HIM IRRESISTIBLE.
YES! YOU'VE GOT INCREDIBLE
HANDS AND FEET, YOU ANIMAL YOU.
[Kissing]
[Moaning]
OH, DETECTIVE HEAD,
I NEVER DREAMED IT
COULD BE LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY, BABY. IT'S NOT WHAT
A MAN'S GOT, IT'S HOW
HE USES IT THAT COUNTS.
STOP TICKLING MY FEET.
THE HEAD DETECTIVE. COMING
THIS SPRING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN HALLELUJAH ♪♪
[Announcer] CABLE ACCESS,
CHANNEL 62, PRESENTS MEN ON FILM.
[Applause]
HELLO, I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[Together] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON FILMS.
THE SHOW THAT LOOKS AT
MOVIES... FROM A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
TONIGHT'S SHOW
IS SPONSORED BY...
NUTS & HONEY.
WHAT DID YOU
SAY? NUTTIN', HONEY.
I BET YOU CAN'T EAT JUST ONE.
I BET I COULD.
YOU'RE SO CRAZY.
[Giggling]
TONIGHT WE'LL BE WRAPPING
UP THE SUMMER FILMS.
FIRST UP IS THE BOX-OFFICE
SMASH TOTAL RECALL.
YES, THIS IS THE MOVIE WHERE
MUSCLE-BOUND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER...
GOES IN SEARCH OF HIS PAST.
JUST A HINT, ARNOLD, TRY
LOOKING IN THE CLOSET.
[Snickers]
NEXT WE HAVE BETSY'S WEDDING.
[Together] HATED IT.
THEN THERE'S GHOST.
YOU KNOW, PATRICK SWAYZE WAS
THE REAL STANDOUT IN THIS FILM.
YOU KNOW, I'D BREATHE
LIFE INTO HIS SPIRIT ANY DAY.
EVEN IF I DID HAVE TO GO
THROUGH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
PERISH THE THOUGHT. YES, INDEED.
NOW WE COME TO DICK TRACY.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE TITLE,
BUT THE MOVIE JUST LEFT ME LIMP.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
THIS IS... THIS IS WHAT I DON'T GET.
ALL THE CHARACTERS FIT THEIR NAMES.
YOU KNOW, FLATTOP HAD A FLATTOP.
PRUNEFACE LOOKED
JUST LIKE A LITTLE PRUNE.
BUT I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE
TO SEE... [Mouthing Words]
I KNOW I WANTED TO.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
IT'S HOT IN HERE.
OH. THEN THERE'S PRETTY WOMAN.
[Together] HATED IT.
THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
CALLED A FISH CALLED JULIA. OOOH.
NEXT, EDDIE MURPHY WAS
BACK IN ANOTHER 48 HOURS.
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. THIS MOVIE
JUST GOT OFF ON THE WRONG TRACK.
I FEEL THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE SPENT
MORE TIME WHERE THE REAL STORY IS.
MM-HMM. IN THE PRISONS.
I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE
ABOUT THEM OLD SWEATY
MENS ALL TOGETHER IN
THEM TINY LITTLE CELLS...
WITH NO ONE TO TURN
TO BUT EACH OTHERS.
OOH, DROP THE SOAP. I'LL GET IT.
HUSH.
REALLY? YOU KNOW I CAN WAIT.
THEN WE COME TO SPIKE
LEE'S MO' BETTER BLUES.
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T CARE FOR IT. IT
JUST DIDN'T PUT NO TOOT IN MY HORN.
I'M SORRY, BUT I LIKED THIS ONE.
I MEAN, LITTLE SPIKE LEE
OUTDONE HIMSELF THIS TIME.
HE REALLY STRETCHED
OUT IN A DUAL ROLE...
AS BOTH THE LEAD CHARACTER'S
MANAGER AND LOVE INTEREST.
OH, HE WAS OKAY AS THE MANAGER,
BUT, OOH, HE JUST THRILLED ME TO
DEATH IN THOSE GRIPPING LOVE SCENES...
WITH BIG OLD HANDSOME
DENZEL WASHINGTON.
WHAT COURAGE IT MUST HAVE TAKEN FOR LITTLE
SPIKE LEE TO TAKE OFF THEM GLASSES...
AND LET THAT LITTLE
HAIR GET KNOTTY AND SAY,
"HEY, THIS IS ME. HERE
I AM. SEE ME, LOVE ME."
HELLO! PUT THE CAR IN PARK.
THE LOVE INTEREST WAS PLAYED
BY SPIKE LEE'S LITTLE SISTER, JOI.
WELL, TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING
AND THEN JUST WALK AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW. I THINK YOU SHOULD GO SEE
THIS AGAIN, THEN YOU TELL ME WHO'S WHO.
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN
GO WITHOUT ME. 'TOINE.
DON'T GET MAD.
'TOINE. OKAY.
FINALLY, WE HAVE DIE
HARDER. WHAT A WAY TO GO!
NINETY MINUTES
WITH MR. BRUCE WILLIS.
OH, YES. DON'T TEMPT MY TUMMY
WITH THE TASTE OF NUTS & HONEY.
CRAZY.
YOU KNOW, THE
ONLY THING I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND WAS ALL
THE VIOLENCE IN THE FILM,
'CAUSE THE TITLE
SUGGESTED A LOVE STORY.
MM-HMM. I SECOND THAT EMOTION.
I THINK THIS ONE STILL DESERVES
THE NEW AND IMPROVED...
[Together] TWO SNAPS,
A TWIST AND A KISS.
STOP. CAN'T TOUCH THIS.
WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE LOOKING AT
AIR AMERICA, STARRING MEL GIBSON...
AND LITTLE ROBERT DOWNEY JRS.
PILOT TO COPILOT, WE'RE
GOING DOWN IN FLAMES. [Giggles]
[Together] BYE, NOW.
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH IT'S RAININ' MEN ♪
♪♪ [Fades Out]
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪
HI. I'M KEENEN IVORY WAYANS. THANKS
FOR TUNING IN TO IN LIVING COLOR.
CHECK IT OUT. HOW MANY TIMES YOU
BEEN SITTING AROUND WITH FRIENDS,
TRYING TO TELL THEM YOUR
FAVORITE SKETCH FROM THE SHOW?
ONLY THEY DIDN'T SEE IT. WELL, CHECK
IT OUT. THIS IS WHAT I DONE FOR YOU.
I PUT ALL THE BEST
INTO ONE SHOW.
SO CALL YOUR FRIENDS,
HAVE THEM WATCH.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. PEACE.
NEXT!
VRROOOM.
IS THIS THE ARMY
RECRUCIFICATION OFFICE, SIR?
NOW, YOU PROBABLY WANT
THE ETERNAL LIFE MISSION.
IT'S DOWN THE STREET
AND AROUND THE BLOCK.
NO, I'VE COME TO
BE ALL I CAN BE,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN WHAT I'VE BEEN
AND IT AIN'T PAYING TOO WELL.
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING, BOY. HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU
HAVE TO OFFER THE ARMY?
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, SIR.
SEE, 'CAUSE I'M AN
ENTERTAINER, YOU KNOW?
IF YOU GAVE ME FIVE DOLLARS,
I COULD GO OVER
TO SALTY ARMENIA...
AND ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS, SEE?
'CAUSE I'M A REGULAR BOOGIE-WOOGIE
BUGLE BOY OF COMPANY "B."
I'M A BOOGIE-WOOGIE
BUGLE BOY... COMPAN...
HERE. CAMOUFLAGE THAT FOR ME.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME. I AM IN THE BUSINESS
OF SIGNING UP REAL LIVE SOLDIERS, MAGGOT!
MAGGOT? HEY, I AIN'T NO MAGGOT.
HEY, I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
WITH ANOTHER MAN BEFORE.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT, CLARENCE?
HE'S LYING. HE'S LYING. I'M TELLING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ONCE.
I WAS DESPERATE.
I NEEDED THE MONEY. I WAS DRUNK
AND DOWN OUT. DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! I'M IN
THE MIDDLE OF A RAPID DEPLOYMENT!
WELL, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF UNEMPLOYMENT,
SO WE GOT SOMETHING IN COMMON.
YOU KNOW, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE
TO SEND YOU OVER TO IRAQ... MM-HMM.
I DON'T THINK YOU'D
LAST 10 MINUTES.
OKAY, JUST FOR INSTANCE,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD TO
ENGAGE THE ENEMY IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT?
[Sniffles] THAT'S
NO PROBLEM, SEE,
'CAUSE I'M SKILLED
IN THE MARTIAN ARTS.
I KNOW TAI CHI. WHAA!
I KNOW TAE KWON DO. [Yapping]
AND I KNOW TYRONE. HE
TAUGHT ME ALL THAT STUFF.
YOU KNOW, LIKE
HOW TO TAKE A ROPE.
JUST A SIMPLE ROPE...
ANYTHING BECOMES A WEAPON.
YOU TAKE THAT
OUT AND... [Mumbles]
OH, THAT'S THE
SECRET WEAPON THERE.
EWWW.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
WELL, THAT WAS A
SAMPLE OF MY NERVE GAS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THAT DOES IT.
GET OUT OF HERE. GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!
WELL, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD ON.
WAIT A MINUTE, UH, UNCLE
SAMBO. HEY, HEY, HEY.
I WANT TO SERVE MY COUNTRY.
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE
DOLLARS IF YOU GET OUT OF
HERE AND FORGET YOU
EVER HEARD ABOUT THE ARMY.
COME ON! TAKE IT! WELL, THE GUY
DOWN AT THE NAVY OFFICE GAVE ME...
AH, HERE'S $10. WELL, THE
GUY AT THE COAST GUARD...
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S $25. JUST GO!
$25, GET YOU $45.
$45? $55? $55? $55?
SOLD! $55! HEY, HEY, HEY!
CARLA, THE COAST IS CLEAR.
CAN I BORROW, UH, YOU
KNOW, A FEMININE PRODUCT?
- OH, YOU MEAN A TAMPON?
- SHH. YES. HURRY.
THANKS.
THAT TIME OF THE
MONTH, HUH, JOYCE?
THAT'S NOT CLEAVAGE.
IT'S SWELLING.
SUFFERING FROM
P.M.S., JOYCE? [Laughs]
SEE? I TOLD YOU
SHE LOOKED BLOATED.
CAN'T SEEM TO DISGUISE THE FACT
THAT IT'S YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH?
WELL, NOW FEMCO BRINGS
YOU FASHION TAMPONS.
STYLISH, COMFORTABLE AND FUN.
THEY COME IN ASSORTED
COLORS AND GO WITH ANY OUTFIT.
OOH, JOYCE, I LOVE
THOSE EARRINGS!
THANKS, CARLA. ACTUALLY,
THEY'RE TAMPONS...
CONVENIENTLY PACKAGED
IN BOXES OF 12, 24 AND 186.
AND THEY'RE SUPER ABSORBENT.
SOMETHING YOU JUST CAN'T
FIND IN OTHER FASHION WEAR.
FASHION TAMPONS. WELL, HONEY, I'M
JUST GONNA GO ON DOWN AND GET ME SOME.
GEE, JOYCE, YOU
LOOK GREAT TODAY.
I LIKE A WOMAN WHO CAN
ACCESSORIZE. REALLY TURNS ME ON.
NICE DRESS, JOYCE.
THIS OLD RAG?
FASHION TAMPONS. BECAUSE AT THAT TIME
OF THE MONTH, YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD.
[Woman] AND THERE'S ALSO
FASHION MAXI AND MINI PADS...
FOR THE WOMAN ON THE GO.
FASHION TAMPONS FROM FEMCO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR
COMING IN. COME VISIT US AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
LATER.
YO, YO, FIGHT THE POWER.
[Chuckles]
HEY, JOY! WHAT?
JOY! WHAT?
JOY! WHAT?
JOY! WHAT?
COME HERE. WHAT IF I DON'T?
I WON'T PUT YOU
IN MY NEXT MOVIE.
LOOK, SPIKE. HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
IT'S NOT JOY. IT'S JOI.
JOY, WE'RE BACK IN BROOKLYN,
ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT?
IN BROOKLYN, IT'S
JOY, NOT JOI, OKAY?
IT'S NOT JACKAY, ALL
RIGHT? IT'S JACKIE.
IT'S NOT SADE, ALL
RIGHT? IT'S SADIE.
ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
WHAT YOU GONNA CALL ME NEXT?
WHAT YOU GONNA CALL ME, SPIKAY?
GET OUTTA HERE. I WANNA
SHOW YOU MY NEW PRODUCT.
CHECK IT OUT. AH,
YOU LIKES, RIGHT?
YOU LIKES, RIGHT? AH, THIS IS
THE MO' BETTER BUTTER DISPENSER.
CHECK IT OUT.
AH.
I'VE TASTED BUTTER, BUT
THIS IS MO' BETTER BUTTER.
GO STACK THAT OVER THERE.
STACK IT BY THE MALCOLM EX-LAX.
I GOT A CUSTOMER.
CAN I HELP YOU? YEAH,
DO YOU CARRY SNEAKERS?
SNEAKERS? YEAH.
LIKE TENNIS SHOES? RIGHT.
LIKE BASKETBALL SHOES? YES.
LIKE JUST PLAIN SNEAKERS? YES.
GOT 'EM. OH, GREAT.
CHECK IT OUT. MY OWN LINE.
OH. SPIKES. YOU LIKE?
NO. COME ON. YOU GOTTA LIKE.
NO, I... COME ON,
LOOK. YOU GOTTA LIKE.
I DON'T. PLEASE,
BABY, BABY, PLEASE.
PLEASE, BABY, BABY, BABY,
BABY. PLEASE, BABY, BABY, PLEASE.
PLEASE, BABY, BABY. PLEASE,
BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY.
PLEASE, BABY, BABY,
PLEASE. OKAY, I'LL TAKE THEM.
ALL RIGHT. YOU SURE? YES.
YOU WANT 'EM? YES.
YOU BUY 'EM? YES.
YOU SURE? ABSOLUTELY.
ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN PAY
FOR THEM RIGHT OVER HERE.
YOU GET A COPY OF
SCHOOL DAZE WITH THAT.
OH. THAT'S OKAY. IT'S FREE.
OH, IT'S FREE? FREE.
THAT'S OKAY.
[Mumbling] GET OUTTA HERE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO
YOU WANT? I'M GONNA GO BROKE!
HERE! HERE! YOU'RE
GONNA DRIVE ME CRAZY.
MM-MM-MM. THANK YOU. YOU
SOUND LIKE A MACHINE GUN.
[Radio] ♪ THAT MAKE
THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪
EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU TURN
THE RADIO DOWN, PLEASE?
♪ I WRITE THE SONGS OF LOVE
AND SPECIAL THINGS ♪♪ EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU TURN YOUR
RADIO DOWN, PLEASE? HEY!
EXCUSE ME. I'D LIKE TO RETURN
THIS FREE COPY OF SCHOOL DAZE.
WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S DEFECTIVE?
NO. I DIDN'T GO TO A BLACK
COLLEGE. I JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
CAN YOU PLEASE TURN
YOUR RADIO DOWN? HEY.
[Phone Ringing] CAN YOU
PLEASE TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN?
HELLO. SPIKE'S JOINT.
HA, HA, HA, VERY FUNNY.
DELIVER PIZZAS TO YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, RIGHT. FOR THE 40th
TIME, HELL NO! ♪♪ [Continues]
CAN YOU TURN YOUR
RADIO DOWN, PLEASE?
HEY, SPIKE. WHY
DOESN'T NIKE APPOINT ANY
BLACK PEOPLE TO ITS
BOARD OF DIRECTORS, MAN?
IT'S A VERY COMPLICATED ISSUE, ALL RIGHT?
BUT YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN MY NEW BOOK:
THE MAKING OF NIKE COMMERCIALS.
ALL RIGHT? $9.95.
I NEED 20 TRIPLE "A" BATTERIES FOR MY
RADIO. WE DON'T HAVE ANY BATTERIES.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TURN
YOUR RADIO DOWN. NO BATTERIES?
TWENTY TRIPLE "A"?
TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN.
TURN THAT DOWN. WE DON'T
HAVE ANY BATTERIES. EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME. MOOKIE, WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S... IT'S NOT MOOKIE, ALL
RIGHT? IT'S SPIKE, ALL RIGHT?
TURN THE RADIO DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[Stammering] GET OUTTA
HERE. GET OUTTA HERE.
- GET OUTTA HERE!
- HOW COME THERE'S NO WHITE
PEOPLE ON THE WALL, MAN?
[Overlapping Yelling]
THIS IS SPIKE'S JOINT, ALL RIGHT?
WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN JOINT,
[Overlapping Yelling Continues]
YOU CAN PUT ANYBODY
YOU WANT ON THE WALL.
[Yelling Continues] THE GUY
WHO WAS IN GILLIGAN, MAN.
HUH? HOW COME HE'S NOT...
[Baby Crying]
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE THINKING, "HEY, NOW'S A GREAT TIME
TO THROW A TRASH CAN THROUGH THE WINDOW."
WELL, I COULDN'T
AGREE WITH YOU MORE.
THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT TRASH
CANS IN THE BACK FOR $15.
ALL RIGHT? THEY'RE
LIGHTWEIGHT AND RIOT SIZE.
WHAT A DISCOUNT.
YOU'LL ALSO GET A FREE
COPY OF SCHOOL DAZE.
OH, FORGET IT. NAH, NEVER MIND.
GET OUTTA HERE!
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
M-M-M-M-MIDGET.
[Applause]
LEGALLY REPRESSING
MY "BALLSITUDE,"
I'VE RETRACTED MY "GODADS"
WITH GIGANTIC PROPORTIONS.
AND THE SIGNING OF
THE PROHIBITION, YOU SEE,
DEFECATES THE
FLUIDS OF THE TENSION...
BETWEEN THE ESSENCE OF THE
EURO INTERCOURSE, YOU SEE.
[Woman] A.T. + T. ALLOWS YOU TO
REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE,
EVEN WHEN THEY
DON'T GET OUT MUCH.
RIGHT, EXACTLY.
OKAY, BROTHER, OKAY.
SEE, ALL YOU'RE DOING
RIGHT NOW... UH-HUH.
IS FLATULATING YOUR LIQUIDS,
OKAY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT WAS
HOMO ERECTUS... RIGHT.
THAT SAID TO EXPOSE THE
HEMORRHOIDAL RAMIFICATION... UH-HUH.
WOULD MERELY DELINEATE
THE COLONIC ORIFICE, OOH!
THEREBY SEPARATING THE
GLUTEUS FROM THE MAXIMUS.
WELL, HOMO WAS
VERY DEEP, UH-HUH.
BUT YOU SEEM TO MASTICATE THE
PROCLAMATION, MY BROTHER, OKAY.
BECAUSE THE
GASTROINTESTINAL PHLEBITIS...
PROSTIGATES THE "CRUSTATION"
OF THE COLOSTOMY, OKAY.
IF THAT'S YOUR BAG.
UH-HUH. PREACHER!
RIGHT. AND FURTHER "HINDRANT"
THE PYORRHEA, WHICH HAS...
EXCUSE ME? UH, YOU
GOT ME, BROTHER.
THE DIARRHEA. OKAY.
MOVING TOWARD THE
ANGINA OR "BAGINA,"
DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH TIME
YOU GOT. MAN, YOU ARE METAMUCIL.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
♪ TALK TO ME ♪
♪ IF YOU FEEL THE NEED AND
WHEN YOU NEED THE FEELING ♪
♪ TALK TO ME ♪♪
TIRED OF MAKING UP LAME EXCUSES?
DON'T YOU WANNA
CUDDLE? BABY NEEDS A HUG.
[Yawning] I CAN'T HUG YOU
RIGHT NOW. I'M STILL SLEEPING.
[Announcer] IS POSTCOITAL
CUDDLING BRINGING YOU DOWN?
SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I GOT TO BE
SOMEWHERE AT 6:00 TOMORROW MORNING.
THEN I'LL LEAVE WITH YOU.
NO. BUT, UH, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE WITH ME,
'CAUSE MY CAR WAS IN AN ACCIDENT
AND IT ONLY HAS ONE SEAT LEFT.
THEN I'LL SIT ON
YOUR LAP. UH, LISTEN.
NOW, I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO
TELL YOU THIS, AND IT'S TOP SECRET.
I'M ON A MISSION FOR THE
C.I.A. I HAVE TO TRAVEL ALONE.
IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
BUT IF YOU DIE, I
DON'T WANNA LIVE.
[Thinking] GEEZ, WHAT DO I
HAVE TO DO TO GET RID OF HER?
[Announcer] SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED
THE EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
YES, IT'S SIMPLE TO OPERATE AND CAN EJECT
UP TO 2,000 POUNDS IN A SINGLE THRUST.
OH, WOW. THIS NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
I GUESS I MUST'VE BEEN
UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.
MAYBE SOME FRESH AIR MIGHT HELP.
[Announcer] YES,
THE EJECTOR BED.
YOUR BEST FRIEND
IN A STICKY SITUATION.
[Woman] HONEY, I'M HOME. [Gasps]
IT'S MY WIFE. OH, NO!
WHERE WILL I HIDE?
[Announcer] DON'T GET
CAUGHT WITHOUT ONE.
THE EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
EJECTOR DESK AND EJECTOR
CHAIR SOLD SEPARATELY.
BLOOD PRESSURE
STABLE AT 120 OVER 70.
DOC, HOW'S MY PARTNER?
IS HE GONNA PULL THROUGH?
HE'S IN PRETTY BAD SHAPE.
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF.
OH, MY GOD!
LOOK, LOOK, DOC. DO WHATEVER YOU GOTTA
DO, MAN. BUT PLEASE, MAKE HIM WHOLE AGAIN.
WE CAN REBUILD HIM. WE HAVE
THE TECHNOLOGY, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S GONNA COST YOU
SIX MILLION DOLLARS.
SIX MILLION DOLLARS? THE DEPARTMENT
DOESN'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.
15,000. LOOK.
I GOT, UM... LET'S SEE. TWENTY
TWENTY-ONE, TWENTY-TWO.
ANOTHER FIVE. TWENTY-EIGHT.
TWENTY-EIGHT, UM...
FORTY-FIVE, ALL
RIGHT? THERE'S $28.45.
WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE
ANYTHING, BUT WE'LL TRY.
[Sighs] HE'LL BE A LOT
SHORTER AND A LITTLE SLOWER.
BUT AT LEAST HE'LL
BE ALIVE. THANKS, MAN.
WE GOTTA GET YOU OUTTA HERE.
HANG IN THERE, PARTNER.
[Announcer] COMING THIS
SPRING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU,
THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
THE HEAD ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN.
LET'S JUST FORGET IT, MAN. HE'S
TOO FAR AWAY. WE'LL NEVER CATCH HIM.
THROW ME AT HIM. WHAT?
I SAID THROW ME AT
HIM. I CAN DO IT, PARTNER.
- NO WAY, MAN. TOO DANGEROUS!
- JUST DO IT!
AH, WATCH MY BRAIN.
- WAY TO GO, MAN!
- FREEZE, SLIMEBALL.
DON'T MAKE ME CHASE
YOU ANY FURTHER.
[Announcer] AND WOMEN
FIND HIM IRRESISTIBLE.
YES! YOU'VE GOT INCREDIBLE
HANDS AND FEET, YOU ANIMAL YOU.
[Kissing]
[Moaning]
OH, DETECTIVE HEAD,
I NEVER DREAMED IT
COULD BE LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY, BABY. IT'S NOT WHAT
A MAN'S GOT, IT'S HOW
HE USES IT THAT COUNTS.
STOP TICKLING MY FEET.
THE HEAD DETECTIVE. COMING
THIS SPRING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN HALLELUJAH ♪♪
[Announcer] CABLE ACCESS,
CHANNEL 62, PRESENTS MEN ON FILM.
[Applause]
HELLO, I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[Together] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON FILMS.
THE SHOW THAT LOOKS AT
MOVIES... FROM A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
TONIGHT'S SHOW
IS SPONSORED BY...
NUTS & HONEY.
WHAT DID YOU
SAY? NUTTIN', HONEY.
I BET YOU CAN'T EAT JUST ONE.
I BET I COULD.
YOU'RE SO CRAZY.
[Giggling]
TONIGHT WE'LL BE WRAPPING
UP THE SUMMER FILMS.
FIRST UP IS THE BOX-OFFICE
SMASH TOTAL RECALL.
YES, THIS IS THE MOVIE WHERE
MUSCLE-BOUND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER...
GOES IN SEARCH OF HIS PAST.
JUST A HINT, ARNOLD, TRY
LOOKING IN THE CLOSET.
[Snickers]
NEXT WE HAVE BETSY'S WEDDING.
[Together] HATED IT.
THEN THERE'S GHOST.
YOU KNOW, PATRICK SWAYZE WAS
THE REAL STANDOUT IN THIS FILM.
YOU KNOW, I'D BREATHE
LIFE INTO HIS SPIRIT ANY DAY.
EVEN IF I DID HAVE TO GO
THROUGH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
PERISH THE THOUGHT. YES, INDEED.
NOW WE COME TO DICK TRACY.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE TITLE,
BUT THE MOVIE JUST LEFT ME LIMP.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
THIS IS... THIS IS WHAT I DON'T GET.
ALL THE CHARACTERS FIT THEIR NAMES.
YOU KNOW, FLATTOP HAD A FLATTOP.
PRUNEFACE LOOKED
JUST LIKE A LITTLE PRUNE.
BUT I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE
TO SEE... [Mouthing Words]
I KNOW I WANTED TO.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
IT'S HOT IN HERE.
OH. THEN THERE'S PRETTY WOMAN.
[Together] HATED IT.
THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
CALLED A FISH CALLED JULIA. OOOH.
NEXT, EDDIE MURPHY WAS
BACK IN ANOTHER 48 HOURS.
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. THIS MOVIE
JUST GOT OFF ON THE WRONG TRACK.
I FEEL THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE SPENT
MORE TIME WHERE THE REAL STORY IS.
MM-HMM. IN THE PRISONS.
I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE
ABOUT THEM OLD SWEATY
MENS ALL TOGETHER IN
THEM TINY LITTLE CELLS...
WITH NO ONE TO TURN
TO BUT EACH OTHERS.
OOH, DROP THE SOAP. I'LL GET IT.
HUSH.
REALLY? YOU KNOW I CAN WAIT.
THEN WE COME TO SPIKE
LEE'S MO' BETTER BLUES.
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T CARE FOR IT. IT
JUST DIDN'T PUT NO TOOT IN MY HORN.
I'M SORRY, BUT I LIKED THIS ONE.
I MEAN, LITTLE SPIKE LEE
OUTDONE HIMSELF THIS TIME.
HE REALLY STRETCHED
OUT IN A DUAL ROLE...
AS BOTH THE LEAD CHARACTER'S
MANAGER AND LOVE INTEREST.
OH, HE WAS OKAY AS THE MANAGER,
BUT, OOH, HE JUST THRILLED ME TO
DEATH IN THOSE GRIPPING LOVE SCENES...
WITH BIG OLD HANDSOME
DENZEL WASHINGTON.
WHAT COURAGE IT MUST HAVE TAKEN FOR LITTLE
SPIKE LEE TO TAKE OFF THEM GLASSES...
AND LET THAT LITTLE
HAIR GET KNOTTY AND SAY,
"HEY, THIS IS ME. HERE
I AM. SEE ME, LOVE ME."
HELLO! PUT THE CAR IN PARK.
THE LOVE INTEREST WAS PLAYED
BY SPIKE LEE'S LITTLE SISTER, JOI.
WELL, TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING
AND THEN JUST WALK AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW. I THINK YOU SHOULD GO SEE
THIS AGAIN, THEN YOU TELL ME WHO'S WHO.
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN
GO WITHOUT ME. 'TOINE.
DON'T GET MAD.
'TOINE. OKAY.
FINALLY, WE HAVE DIE
HARDER. WHAT A WAY TO GO!
NINETY MINUTES
WITH MR. BRUCE WILLIS.
OH, YES. DON'T TEMPT MY TUMMY
WITH THE TASTE OF NUTS & HONEY.
CRAZY.
YOU KNOW, THE
ONLY THING I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND WAS ALL
THE VIOLENCE IN THE FILM,
'CAUSE THE TITLE
SUGGESTED A LOVE STORY.
MM-HMM. I SECOND THAT EMOTION.
I THINK THIS ONE STILL DESERVES
THE NEW AND IMPROVED...
[Together] TWO SNAPS,
A TWIST AND A KISS.
STOP. CAN'T TOUCH THIS.
WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE LOOKING AT
AIR AMERICA, STARRING MEL GIBSON...
AND LITTLE ROBERT DOWNEY JRS.
PILOT TO COPILOT, WE'RE
GOING DOWN IN FLAMES. [Giggles]
[Together] BYE, NOW.
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH IT'S RAININ' MEN ♪
♪♪ [Fades Out]
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪