In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 0, Episode 0 - Episode dated 3 May 1992 - full transcript
[Man] HOW MANY TIMES
HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
OKAY, GRANDMA, NOW
I WANT YOU TO GO ON...
AND BLOW OUT THOSE CANDLES.
[Man] YOUR PARTY'S RUINED, AND YOU'RE
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE FAMILY.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
[Man] YOU FORGOT TO USE KRAZY
POLY-DENTE, FROM THE MAKERS OF KRAZY GLUE.
JUST A FEW DROPS WILL KEEP YOUR DENTURES
FIRMLY IN PLACE FOR THE ENTIRE DAY.
FEEL SAFE TO TAKE A
BIG BITE OF LIFE AGAIN.
YES, KRAZY POLY-DENTE
SOLID BOND...
CAN EVEN KEEP AN 80-YEAR-OLD
WOMAN SUSPENDED IN MIDAIR.
NOT EVEN THE 350 HORSEPOWER
OF A FORD MUSTANG...
CAN RELEASE THE GRIP
ON KRAZY POLY-DENTE.
READY, GRANNY?
MMM! AND IT'S YUMMY
TOO. MUST BE TAPIOCA.
[Man] DON'T HAVE AN ACCIDENT.
USE KRAZY POLY-DENTE.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
MY BOY, VALEDICTORIAN.
I AM SO PROUD OF
YOU, SON. MM-HMM.
GO AND TAKE THOSE THINGS OFF,
AND GET READY FOR YOUR PARTY.
MAMA MADE ALL YOUR
FAVORITE DISHES.
THE PARTY IS JUST FOR ME
THIS TIME, RIGHT? NO ONE ELSE.
JUST FOR YOU. THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL
NIGHT. JUST FOR YOU. [Doorbell Rings]
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
♪♪ [Whistles]
AAAH! OH! AH, COUSIN ELSEE!
UM... UH, WHAT THE HELL...
I MEAN, UH, UH, WHAT
A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
YOU KNOW COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, I AIN'T
GONNA MISS ONE OF THESE BABY'S GRADUATIONS.
NOW WHERE IS THAT BOY? I CAN
ONLY STAY A MINUTE. OH, W-W-WAIT.
HOW'D YOU KNOW WE WERE HAVING
A PARTY? WE DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY.
OH, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH
SHOOTING PAINS IN MY KNEECAPS.
I SAID TO MYSELF, "SOMEBODY'S
BAKIN' A HAM SOMEWHERE."
NOW WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER
HERE AND GIVE YOUR COUSIN ELSEE A HUG.
UH... OH, YEAH. OH, THAT'S NICE.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY. THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S REAL GOOD.
COUSIN ELSEE... [Groans]
I THINK YOU'RE GETTING
A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE A SEAT ON THE COUCH...
AND HELP YOURSELF TO
WHATEVER'S ON THE TABLE.
I'LL GO GET CURTIS.
OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU...
GET ME SOMETHING TO
DRINK WHILE YOU'RE UP.
I'M THIRSTIER THAN A SCORPION
AFTER HE RAN A MARATHON. [Laughs]
"A SCORPION AFTER
HE RAN A MARATHON!"
I'M CRAZY! THEY NEED TO LOCK
ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
COUSIN ELSEE, WHAT
THE HELL ARE... I, UH...
SO NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY.
HEY, I CAN ONLY STAY A MINUTE,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER
HERE, AND GIVE YOUR COUSIN ELSEE A HUG.
OH, SO SWEET AND TENDER.
OH, YEAH. OH!
COUSIN ELSEE, PLEASE!
OH. OH. LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
OH, GIRL, YOU DONE
GOT SO SKINNY.
LOOK LIKE OLIVE OYL
O.D.'ING ON SLIM-FAST.
[Laughs] "OLIVE OYL
O.D.'ING ON SLIM-FAST!"
I'M CRAZY! THEY NEED TO PUT ME IN AN
ELECTRIC CHAIR AND TURN ON THE JUICE.
UH, SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, ELSEE?
LONG AS I TAKE MY BLOOD
PRESSURE MEDICATION...
AND OIL MY PACEMAKER, I'M
GONNA KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON.
YOU THINK A LITTLE SUGAR
DIABETES AND CANCER...
ARE GOING TO STOP ME?
NO, SIRREE. NOT COUSIN ELSEE.
UH, LISTEN, COUSIN ELSEE,
IF YOU THAT SICK, WHY
DON'T YOU GO SEE A DOCTOR?
OH, GIRL, DOCTORS DON'T KNOW
NOTHIN'! ALL THEY WANT IS YOUR MONEY.
I HAD THIS DOCTOR TELL ME THAT I
GOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER.
DO I LOOK LIKE I GOT A
PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER TO YOU?
GET YOUR ASS... GO AHEAD, MAN.
OH, I THINK I SEE
THE GRADUATION BOY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, BABY?
COUSIN ELSEE GOT
A PRESENT FOR YOU.
CLOSE YOUR EYES. NOW WHAT IS IT IN
LIFE YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING?
FOR YOU TO TAKE YOUR HAIRY,
BULLETPROOF-WEARING GLASSES... CURTIS!
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND OPEN YOUR HAND.
OPEN YOUR HAND.
OH, A NICKEL. YEAH,
THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY.
WHEN I WAS COMING ALONG,
A NICKEL WOULD BUY YOU...
FOUR POUNDS OF COLLARD GREENS,
THREE BUSHELS OF OATMEAL...
AND A PEEP SHOW.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO TO NICE
COUSIN ELSEE FOR GIVING YOU A GIFT?
LOOK, COUSIN ELSEE, DON'T
START THAT. COME ON, NOW.
YO! GET... COUSIN ELSEE!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
ELSEE, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY,
HEY, HEY. THAT'S ENOUGH!
NOW, THAT IS MY SON
YOU'RE HUMPING ON.
OH. I'M SORRY. NOW, LOOK, WE
REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING BY,
BUT NOW IT'S TIME
FOR US TO EAT, SO...
OH. SO WHERE CAN
I WASH MY HANDS?
[Together] YOU'RE
STAYING FOR DINNER?
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO ASK ME TWICE.
WELL, LOOK, COUSIN ELSEE, THE
PORK CHOPS AREN'T NEARLY DONE.
SO IF YOU HAVE TO GO ON
AND LEAVE, WE UNDERSTAND.
OH, CHILD, AFTER YOU
DID ALL THAT HARD WORK,
COUSIN ELSEE AIN'T
GOING NOWHERE.
AND LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
STORY ABOUT PORK CHOPS.
NOW, PORK CHOPS CAN BE
EATEN IN ALL SORTS OF STAGES.
WASN'T UNTIL THE WHITE
MAN INVENTED THAT OVEN...
THEY MADE UP THAT LIE ABOUT
THE RAW PORK AND WORMS.
I'M TELLING YOU THEY JUST WANTED TO
SELL OVENS, THAT'S WHAT THAT WAS ALL ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
"BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY." THAT
SOUND LIKE A CONDOM AD TO ME.
[Laughs] "A CONDOM AD!"
I AM A FOOL ON WHEELS!
I'M A LUNATIC. THEY NEED TO SLICE
OPEN MY HEAD AND LOBOTOMIZE ME.
YEAH, WELL, UH...
SON, WHAT DO YOU THINK, UH, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE DOING IN COLLEGE NEXT YEAR?
DAD, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
JOINING THE WRESTLING TEAM,
BUT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS
WITH MY TAKEDOWNS.
OOH, TAKEDOWNS. DID I HEAR SOMEBODY
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT TAKEDOWNS?
YEAH, IT'S TAKEDOWNS.
IT'S A WRESTLING TERM.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS. I USED TO BE
THE LENNOX AVENUE WRESTLING CHAMP IN '48.
YOU BIG DONKEY-LOOKING...
OH! CURTIS!
OH, NOW COUSIN ELSEE GONNA SHOW
YOU HOW TO DO A LITTLE TAKEDOWN.
COUSIN ELSEE, WHAT...
C-COUSIN... DAMN, COUSIN ELSEE!
GET OFF ME! HEY! HEY,
DADDY, DADDY! GET OFF ME!
AAAH!
OH, WAIT... WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!
NOW, COME ON, ELSEE.
ELSEE, THIS IS MY HOUSE.
DAMN! I WON'T TAKE THAT.
GET YOUR COUSIN OFF OF MY SON! MY
COUSIN? I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR COUSIN!
OH, WAIT A DAMN...
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
GET OUTTA MY DAMN
HOUSE! [All Yelling]
HI, I'M ROSIE PEREZ, THE
CHOREOGRAPHER FOR THE FLY GIRLS,
AND THIS IS MY
PARTNER, ARTHUR RAINER.
TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...
AND PRESENT THE SENSUAL
CHOREOGRAPHY OF MR. ALEX MAGNO.
THANK YOU, ROSA. I
HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT.
♪♪ [Soul]
♪♪ [Ends] [Applause]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. BRONSON PINCHOT,
WHOSE CHARACTER, BALKI, HAS MADE
AMERICA AND HOLLYWOOD A MUCH BETTER PLACE.
OVER HERE, BALKI!
BRONSON, MANN'S CHINESE
THEATRE IS HAPPY AND PROUD...
TO IMMORTALIZE YOU IN CEMENT.
THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHAT'S UP LIKE THAT?
HOWARD TIBBS III. YEAH,
AND MY NAME'S CLAVELL.
AND WE ARE FUNKY
FINGER PRODUCTIONS.
BRINGIN' YOU A DAY IN THE LIFE OF
FUNKY FINGER, HOLLYWOOD- "STY-RLE."
HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU GUYS DOIN' IN HERE?
GET OUT OF HERE! YOU AIN'T
GOTTA BE PUSHIN' ME, MAN.
DON'T HE LOOK LIKE A
BESPECKLED PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY?
FAKE KANGAROO-ASS.
THERE'S MY LIMO, MAN! YEAH,
LET'S GET ON THIS BAD BOY.
MAN, THIS IS WHAT I CALL A
STRETCH LIMO. ROOM FOR 50, MAN.
HEY, YO, JEEVES, IS
THE BAR IN THE BACK?
PUT IN YOUR FARE
OR GET OFF THE BUS.
MAN, I WILL HANG MY STOCKING...
HEY! WHOA! HEY!
NOW, THIS IS WHERE WE GO
TO PROCURE THE DUCKETS.
YOU KNOW, TO FINANCE THIS
EVENING'S BUTT-NAKED FESTIVITIES.
AND YOU KNOW... THAT'S
RIGHT. IT'S ABOUT THE MONEY.
WE ARE PREFERRED
CUSTOMERS IN THIS JOINT.
LOOK OUT! CHECK IT OUT!
SAY, SAY, SAY... HEY!
CLAVY, CLAVY. COME
ON, NOW! COME ON, CLAVY!
IT TOLD YOU SUCKERS,
STAY OUTTA HERE.
[Gunshots]
HEY, HOLD UP, MAN.
HOMEBOY IS TRIPPIN'.
ON THE STRENGTH. HE MUST'VE WOKE
UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CRIB.
YA KNOW! HEY, SPEAKIN' OF CRIBS,
WHAT ABOUT THAT BIG HOLLYWOOD
SCHMOOZE GIG WE ABOUT TO GO TO?
[Laughs] WHERE ALL THE STARS GONNA
BE HANGIN' TONIGHT, HOME-BUCKET.
COME ON. LET'S SKEDADDLE.
PARTY TIME!
MAN, THIS PARTY IS DEAD. AIN'T
NOTHIN' BUT A BUNCH OF STIFFS, MAN.
COME ON, Y'ALL. LET'S
BRING THIS PARTY TO LIFE.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, ARSENIO...
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
THIS IS NOT
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.
CAN'T BE. YOU GONNA HAVE TO
STAPLE A PUMPKIN TO YOUR ASS.
THERE'S SAMMY. HEY, DON'T
I LOOK LIKE HIM SOMETIMES?
MAN, ONLY ON TAX DAY.
NOW, AIN'T THAT A "COINKYDINK"?
YO, ELVIS, MAN, DO ME A FAVOR AND
TELL THESE PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE DEAD.
COME ON, MAN. LET
US MOVE ON, MAN.
I'M LOOKIN' FOR
AL GREEN IN HERE.
KENNY, ON THE FOR REAL TIP, YOU MEAN
THEY LIPOSUCKED FAT RIGHT OUTTA THE BOOTY?
DIANA, GIRL, THE ONLY REAL HAIR
ON YOUR HEAD IS YOUR EYEBROWS.
LET'S GO AND SKEDADDLE.
Y'ALL AIN'T EVEN
PLAYED B.T. EXPRESS YET.
NOW, FINALLY, HERE WE ARE AT THE
FUNKY FINGER PRODUCCIONES FACILITÉS.
RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE
MIDDLE OF HOLLYWOOD.
NOW, DIG, THIS IS WHERE WE
TAPE ALL OUR SHOWS AND FILMS.
NOW, TONIGHT WE'RE DOIN' A
FUNKY FINGER MOVIE OF THE WEEK.
IT'S REMAKE OF THE MIRACLE
WORKER. BUT HERE'S THE KICKER.
IT'S A MUSICALE.
LOOK AT YOURSELF, MAN. I'M
SORRY. ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.
LET ME PUT MY GLASSES
ON. COCK THE SKIMMER.
YOU KNOW, I'M STILL
A PRETTY... [Garbled]
LET'S DO THIS. HERE WE GO.
TAKE NUMBER ONE OF...
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS?
I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
ALL RIGHT. THE MUSICALE.
ONE, TWO, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!
♪ I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ♪
♪♪ [Imitating Guitar]
♪ WHERE YOU AT YOU SEXY THING ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT YOU SEXY THING ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ♪
HEY, HEY, CLAVY. IT
WILL LOCK UP, MAN.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN.
♪ WHERE YOU AT ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT ♪
♪ WHERE'S MY HAT ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT ♪♪
WELL, LOOKEE HERE.
HEY, FINE BROWN.
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHIN', BIG LEGS.
ARE YOU RELATED TO PAM GRIER?
'CAUSE YOU CERTAINLY
HAVE THAT STAR QUALITÉ...
THAT WE NEED IN OUR
NEWEST FILM PROJECT,
BASIC IN-STANK.
DO YOU GET IT? SO YOU BOYS
LOOKIN' FOR A LITTLE TALENT, ARE YA?
CLAVY, TELL HER WE'RE ON THE UP-AND-UP.
SHOW HER ONE OF OUR BUSINESS CARDS.
OH, BET YA, BY GOLLY. WOW.
NOW, LET ME SEE HERE... I THINK I...
YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH
OUT. HOWARD... BAM!
NOW LOOK HERE. PAY NO
ATTENTION TO ALL THAT.
THAT'S JUST MY CABLE BILL. BUT
YOU CAN KICK IN AND PAY FOR THAT.
WE ARE GONNA BE PARTNERS NOW.
I DON'T THINK YOU BOYS UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T PERFORM FOR FREE.
CLAVY, WHAT YA HOLDIN'? WELL, HOW
ABOUT THIS FIVE SPOT? WILL THAT ENTICE YOU?
- BAM!
- DAMN SKIPPY!
OH, MAN, THAT'S A
NEW TYPE OF FREE.
MM-MMM. L.A.P.D., BOYS.
YOU GOIN' DOWNTOWN.
WHAT? YOU AIN'T NO REAL ROLLER.
THIS ISN'T QUITE THE
ENDING WE PLANNED.
WELL, LOOK HERE, HOWARD.
THINK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, MAN.
THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT
LOCALE FOR OUR NEW FILM,
PENITENTIARY VI, MAN. ALL
RIGHT. LET'S MOVE ALONG.
HEY, LOOK HERE. GET LEON ISAAC
ON THE PHONE. HE ALWAYS PAY A FOOL.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT LET
YOUR HANDS DO IT ♪
♪ LEGS DO IT DANCE TO IT ♪
♪ WE GONNA DO IT OH,
OH, JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪♪ [Man Rapping, Indistinct]
♪ HANDS DO IT COME ON ♪
♪ DO IT HANDS DO IT ♪
♪ DO IT JUST LIKE ♪
♪ DO IT WE GONNA DO IT ♪
♪ LET YOUR HANDS
DO IT DANCE TO IT ♪
♪ JUMP TO IT SO
PLEASE DON'T DO IT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT LET
YOUR HANDS DO IT ♪♪
GEE, WES, I'M SO GLAD YOU
LET ME BE IN YOUR MOVIE. YEAH.
I'M SORRY, SIR. YOU ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE.
THIS IS A CLOSED SET. HEY,
IT'S-IT'S ALL RIGHT. LOOK...
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN
ALL THE ACTION? EVERY SCENE.
A GUY CALLED IN SICK. I NEED A STUNT
DOUBLE. HOW'D YOU LIKE THE JOB?
WOW! WOULD I! MY BIG BREAK.
WES, YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
DON'T EVER KISS ME AGAIN.
WHAT KIND OF GUY WOULD I BE IF I DIDN'T
LOOK OUT FOR ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE...
THAT STOOD NEXT ME ALL
THESE YEARS, HUH? RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME, WES, BUT WE'RE
READY FOR THE FIGHT SCENE. SURE.
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE! PLACES!
BUCKING BRONCOS WITH WES
RAWLS. SCENE THREE, TAKE ONE.
AND... ACTION!
THAT BADGE DON'T SCARE ME.
OH, YEAH? YEAH.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
CUT! STUNT DOUBLE.
WOW! I GET TO PUNCH THE BAD GUY!
ACTION.
THIS TOWN AIN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US.
CUT! OH, YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL!
THANKS... THANKS SO MUCH, WES.
MARTY. MARTY, I'M SORRY. I
JUST DIDN'T FEEL IT THAT TIME.
I FELT IT. MY CONCENTRATION
WAS OFF. MY MOTIVATION...
I HAVE TO DO ANOTHER.
WHATEVER WES WANTS, WES GETS.
OKAY? LET'S DO IT AGAIN,
PEOPLE. BACK TO THE TOP!
AND... ACTION!
THIS TOWN AIN'T... OOH!
CUT! CHECK THE GATE!
[Groans] THAT WAS GOOD FOR ME.
OH, I'M SORRY, WES. WE
GOT A HAIR IN THE GATE.
CAN WE, PLEASE, HAVE
ONE MORE? AGAIN?
SURE. YOU ARE A PEACH.
A TRUE PROFESSIONAL.
BACK TO THE TOP, PEOPLE.
ONE MORE TIME.
AND... HOLDING, PLEASE.
LET'S STAY SHARP.
THERE WE GO.
AND... ACTION!
CUT!
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH,
HUH? EVER RIDE A BULL?
I BET HE AIN'T EVER EVEN
SEEN ONE AFORE. [Indistinct]
JUST LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN
I'M TALKING TO ONE'S DROPPINGS.
ALL RIGHT, COWBOY. LET'S SEE HOW TOUGH
YOU ARE AFTER YOU RIDE RED LIGHTNING HERE.
CUT! STUNT DOUBLE.
OH, HECK, NO. I'M NOT
RIDING THAT THING.
LOOK, I NEVER USE IT, BUT,
UM, I LIKE TO KNOW IT'S THERE.
HEY, WHAT KIND OF BIG
BROTHER WOULD I BE...
TO LET MY BABY BROTHER DO
SOMETHING THIS DANGEROUS.
YOU'RE SITTING THIS ONE
OUT. I'M HANDLING THIS.
HEY, THANKS, WES.
HEY, LITTLE BROTHER, HOW'D
YOU LIKE TO DO A LOVE SCENE NOW?
WOW! WOULD I! WELL, YOU
EVEN GET TO GO FIRST THIS TIME.
ALL RIGHT. PLACES, PEOPLE.
AND... ACTION.
WHY, IF YOU AIN'T
THE PRETTIEST GIRL...
I'VE EVER... SEEN BEFORE.
WHAT'S THAT? LIPSTICK
ON YOUR COLLAR?
I'LL TEACH YOU TO CHEAT ON
ME, YOU LOW-DOWN, DIRTY SNAKE.
NO, NO! NOT...
- I'M SORRY!
- YOU JEALOUS LITTLE
HELLCAT, YOU.
I SEE THAT FIRE'S
STILL BURNING HOT.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN
MAKE IT BURN HOTTER.
AND... CUT.
PEOPLE, THAT'S A WRAP. WES,
ALWAYS GOOD SEEING YOU.
THE INCOMPARABLE
WES RAWLS, EVERYBODY.
THANKS AGAIN, MAN. THANK YOU.
WOW, WES. THAT WAS
TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT.
HEY, BUT YOU DID
A GOOD JOB. YEAH?
SO GOOD I'M THINKING ABOUT
PUTTING YOU IN MY NEXT MOVIE.
WOW. WHAT'S IT CALLED?
IT'S CALLED BEEF BEHIND BARS.
PRISON FILM. COOL!
YEAH, I PLAY A CHARACTER
NAMED FRESH MEAT.
YOU'D DO A NUDE SCENE
WOULDN'T YOU? ABSOLUTELY.
GOOD. YOU LIKE SHOWERS?
YEAH, I COULD USE ONE RIGHT NOW.
[Laughs] LOTS OF HUSKY MEN?
COME ON. I'LL TELL YOU
MORE ABOUT IT LATER.
STRAIGHT OFF HIS NEW SINGLE
AND ROLLIN' WITH SPECIAL GUESTS,
TUPAC FROM JUICE AND
FLAVOR FLAV FROM P.E.,
PLEASE WELCOME HEAVY D. AND THE
BOYZ PERFORMING THEIR NEW SINGLE,
"YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE."
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
YOU'RE BLIND, BABY.
YEAH. YOU'RE BLIND, BABY. YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS. SOUND OFF!
♪ IN COMES WHAT COMES
ANOTHER HUMDRUM ♪
♪ DITTY DUM DRUM SOME
YOUNG "FUM" GOT STUNG ♪
♪ ONE, TOW, THREE
FOUR, FIVE, SIX ♪
♪ HARD AS A HEAVY HIT COMIN' WITH A
BAG OF TRICKS AND THE PRETTY CHICKS ♪
♪ IN CONTROL OF MY "HOLSTRO"
YO, I GOT ENOUGH SO ♪
♪ A BROTHER GOT MO'
BUT IT DOESN'T HOLD ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF A VICTORY
HE GOT EVICTED ♪
♪ I'M NOT IMPRESSED BY
WANNABES FROM JERSEY ♪
♪ WHEN I TRIED TO PASS BY
KINDA MADE YOUR HEADS SWAP ♪
♪ NOT FRED FLINTSTONE I'M
GONNA MAKE THE BED ROCK ♪
♪ ROCK TO A RHYTHM
THAT IS WHAT I GIVE 'EM ♪
♪ REALLY SICK AND TIRED
OF THE ISMS, "SCH-ISMS" ♪
♪ SO CHECK MICROPHONE CHECK
MICROPHONE ♪ ♪ CHECK IT ♪
♪ HELL'S GOT THE HONS
BROTHERS LOVE TO TALK ABOUT ♪
♪ SQUEEZE ME ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ SEIZE ME ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ DO OR I DIE PLEASE ME
RUB-A-DUB-DUB IT AIN'T EASY ♪
♪ SEX IF YA SEXIN'
FLEX IF YA FLEXIN' ♪
♪ THINGS ARE GOIN' ON
IN THE HEAVY D. SECTION ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK ♪
♪ ONE ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK, TWO ♪
♪ TWO, THREE ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
COME ON!
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE BLIND
FROM THE FACTS ♪ ♪ COME ON, BABY ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
COME ON, NOW. ♪ YOU'RE BLIND,
BABY YOU'RE BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ HERE I GO HERE I GO
HERE I GO AGAIN-GAIN ♪
♪ WITH A GRIN-GRIN
ON MY BAG RIN TIN TIN ♪
♪ EMERGENCY
RUN, RUN DIAL 9-1-1 ♪
♪ THE "H" TO THE "E" TO THE
"A" TO THE "V" TO THE "Y" ♪
♪ YES, I AM YES, I AM
THE BIG BELLY MAN ♪
♪ HOT DAMN HERE I AM
WITH A MIKE IN MY HAND ♪
♪ ABRACADABRA-IC THIS
IS MY FAVORITE FABRIC ♪
♪ ON THAT FRONT SEAT
READIN' MOBY DICK ♪
♪ ME AND MY CREW PLAYED
A GAME CALLED FLIPPER ♪
♪ WHEN YOU COME AROUND YOU
BETTER TIGHTEN UP YOUR ZIPPER ♪
♪ I PUT SHREDS IN
BEDS JACK THE RIPPER ♪
♪ YES, I DRINK COKE BUT
I'M NOT A COKE-SNIFFER ♪
♪ MAC DADDY-O ON THE PATIO ♪
♪ WHEN I LAY LOW THEY HOLLER ♪
♪ S.S. PEACE GRAB
EVERY BOTTLE TOP ♪
♪ HEAVY GET MIKED PAID
ILL WON'T STOP ♪ COME ON!
♪ TWIST AND TURN LONG AND... ♪
♪ YOU HAD YOUR TURN
NOW IT'S MY TURN ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK, ONE
MICROPHONE CHECK, TWO ♪
- ♪ YOU CAN'T SEE
WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
- COME ON, EVERYBODY!
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ SAY HEY ♪
♪ SAY HO, HO ♪
♪ SAY HEY HEY ♪
♪ OH, ON THE LEVEL ♪
♪ JUST TOO COME ON BABY, YES ♪
♪ HEY, YO HEY, YO HEY, YO ♪
♪ YES ON THE SMOOTH TIP
THE OVERWEIGHT LOVER ♪
♪ ON YOUR RADIO AND ON
YOUR MAGAZINE COVER ♪
♪ DRINK "COCA-COLO"
REMAINDER, I'M SOLO ♪
♪♪ [Scatting]
♪ SIX IN THE HOUSE SEND
STUNT ON THE COPS ♪
♪ WITH THE BRUNT MOUTH
CHECK IT OUT CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ PEACE TO ALL THE
NUBIANS WHO BE IN ♪
♪ TWIST AND TURN UPTOWN ♪
♪ FOLLOW THE LEADER
I GOT THE FEVER ♪
♪ I'M BURNIN' UP LIKE A HEATER ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK, ONE
MICROPHONE CHECK TWO, THREE ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE
WHAT I CAN SEE ♪♪
HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
OKAY, GRANDMA, NOW
I WANT YOU TO GO ON...
AND BLOW OUT THOSE CANDLES.
[Man] YOUR PARTY'S RUINED, AND YOU'RE
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE FAMILY.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
[Man] YOU FORGOT TO USE KRAZY
POLY-DENTE, FROM THE MAKERS OF KRAZY GLUE.
JUST A FEW DROPS WILL KEEP YOUR DENTURES
FIRMLY IN PLACE FOR THE ENTIRE DAY.
FEEL SAFE TO TAKE A
BIG BITE OF LIFE AGAIN.
YES, KRAZY POLY-DENTE
SOLID BOND...
CAN EVEN KEEP AN 80-YEAR-OLD
WOMAN SUSPENDED IN MIDAIR.
NOT EVEN THE 350 HORSEPOWER
OF A FORD MUSTANG...
CAN RELEASE THE GRIP
ON KRAZY POLY-DENTE.
READY, GRANNY?
MMM! AND IT'S YUMMY
TOO. MUST BE TAPIOCA.
[Man] DON'T HAVE AN ACCIDENT.
USE KRAZY POLY-DENTE.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
MY BOY, VALEDICTORIAN.
I AM SO PROUD OF
YOU, SON. MM-HMM.
GO AND TAKE THOSE THINGS OFF,
AND GET READY FOR YOUR PARTY.
MAMA MADE ALL YOUR
FAVORITE DISHES.
THE PARTY IS JUST FOR ME
THIS TIME, RIGHT? NO ONE ELSE.
JUST FOR YOU. THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL
NIGHT. JUST FOR YOU. [Doorbell Rings]
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
♪♪ [Whistles]
AAAH! OH! AH, COUSIN ELSEE!
UM... UH, WHAT THE HELL...
I MEAN, UH, UH, WHAT
A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
YOU KNOW COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, I AIN'T
GONNA MISS ONE OF THESE BABY'S GRADUATIONS.
NOW WHERE IS THAT BOY? I CAN
ONLY STAY A MINUTE. OH, W-W-WAIT.
HOW'D YOU KNOW WE WERE HAVING
A PARTY? WE DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY.
OH, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH
SHOOTING PAINS IN MY KNEECAPS.
I SAID TO MYSELF, "SOMEBODY'S
BAKIN' A HAM SOMEWHERE."
NOW WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER
HERE AND GIVE YOUR COUSIN ELSEE A HUG.
UH... OH, YEAH. OH, THAT'S NICE.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY. THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S REAL GOOD.
COUSIN ELSEE... [Groans]
I THINK YOU'RE GETTING
A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE A SEAT ON THE COUCH...
AND HELP YOURSELF TO
WHATEVER'S ON THE TABLE.
I'LL GO GET CURTIS.
OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU...
GET ME SOMETHING TO
DRINK WHILE YOU'RE UP.
I'M THIRSTIER THAN A SCORPION
AFTER HE RAN A MARATHON. [Laughs]
"A SCORPION AFTER
HE RAN A MARATHON!"
I'M CRAZY! THEY NEED TO LOCK
ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
COUSIN ELSEE, WHAT
THE HELL ARE... I, UH...
SO NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY.
HEY, I CAN ONLY STAY A MINUTE,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER
HERE, AND GIVE YOUR COUSIN ELSEE A HUG.
OH, SO SWEET AND TENDER.
OH, YEAH. OH!
COUSIN ELSEE, PLEASE!
OH. OH. LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
OH, GIRL, YOU DONE
GOT SO SKINNY.
LOOK LIKE OLIVE OYL
O.D.'ING ON SLIM-FAST.
[Laughs] "OLIVE OYL
O.D.'ING ON SLIM-FAST!"
I'M CRAZY! THEY NEED TO PUT ME IN AN
ELECTRIC CHAIR AND TURN ON THE JUICE.
UH, SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, ELSEE?
LONG AS I TAKE MY BLOOD
PRESSURE MEDICATION...
AND OIL MY PACEMAKER, I'M
GONNA KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON.
YOU THINK A LITTLE SUGAR
DIABETES AND CANCER...
ARE GOING TO STOP ME?
NO, SIRREE. NOT COUSIN ELSEE.
UH, LISTEN, COUSIN ELSEE,
IF YOU THAT SICK, WHY
DON'T YOU GO SEE A DOCTOR?
OH, GIRL, DOCTORS DON'T KNOW
NOTHIN'! ALL THEY WANT IS YOUR MONEY.
I HAD THIS DOCTOR TELL ME THAT I
GOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER.
DO I LOOK LIKE I GOT A
PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER TO YOU?
GET YOUR ASS... GO AHEAD, MAN.
OH, I THINK I SEE
THE GRADUATION BOY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, BABY?
COUSIN ELSEE GOT
A PRESENT FOR YOU.
CLOSE YOUR EYES. NOW WHAT IS IT IN
LIFE YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING?
FOR YOU TO TAKE YOUR HAIRY,
BULLETPROOF-WEARING GLASSES... CURTIS!
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND OPEN YOUR HAND.
OPEN YOUR HAND.
OH, A NICKEL. YEAH,
THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY.
WHEN I WAS COMING ALONG,
A NICKEL WOULD BUY YOU...
FOUR POUNDS OF COLLARD GREENS,
THREE BUSHELS OF OATMEAL...
AND A PEEP SHOW.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO TO NICE
COUSIN ELSEE FOR GIVING YOU A GIFT?
LOOK, COUSIN ELSEE, DON'T
START THAT. COME ON, NOW.
YO! GET... COUSIN ELSEE!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
ELSEE, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY,
HEY, HEY. THAT'S ENOUGH!
NOW, THAT IS MY SON
YOU'RE HUMPING ON.
OH. I'M SORRY. NOW, LOOK, WE
REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING BY,
BUT NOW IT'S TIME
FOR US TO EAT, SO...
OH. SO WHERE CAN
I WASH MY HANDS?
[Together] YOU'RE
STAYING FOR DINNER?
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO ASK ME TWICE.
WELL, LOOK, COUSIN ELSEE, THE
PORK CHOPS AREN'T NEARLY DONE.
SO IF YOU HAVE TO GO ON
AND LEAVE, WE UNDERSTAND.
OH, CHILD, AFTER YOU
DID ALL THAT HARD WORK,
COUSIN ELSEE AIN'T
GOING NOWHERE.
AND LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
STORY ABOUT PORK CHOPS.
NOW, PORK CHOPS CAN BE
EATEN IN ALL SORTS OF STAGES.
WASN'T UNTIL THE WHITE
MAN INVENTED THAT OVEN...
THEY MADE UP THAT LIE ABOUT
THE RAW PORK AND WORMS.
I'M TELLING YOU THEY JUST WANTED TO
SELL OVENS, THAT'S WHAT THAT WAS ALL ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
"BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY." THAT
SOUND LIKE A CONDOM AD TO ME.
[Laughs] "A CONDOM AD!"
I AM A FOOL ON WHEELS!
I'M A LUNATIC. THEY NEED TO SLICE
OPEN MY HEAD AND LOBOTOMIZE ME.
YEAH, WELL, UH...
SON, WHAT DO YOU THINK, UH, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE DOING IN COLLEGE NEXT YEAR?
DAD, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
JOINING THE WRESTLING TEAM,
BUT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS
WITH MY TAKEDOWNS.
OOH, TAKEDOWNS. DID I HEAR SOMEBODY
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT TAKEDOWNS?
YEAH, IT'S TAKEDOWNS.
IT'S A WRESTLING TERM.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS. I USED TO BE
THE LENNOX AVENUE WRESTLING CHAMP IN '48.
YOU BIG DONKEY-LOOKING...
OH! CURTIS!
OH, NOW COUSIN ELSEE GONNA SHOW
YOU HOW TO DO A LITTLE TAKEDOWN.
COUSIN ELSEE, WHAT...
C-COUSIN... DAMN, COUSIN ELSEE!
GET OFF ME! HEY! HEY,
DADDY, DADDY! GET OFF ME!
AAAH!
OH, WAIT... WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!
NOW, COME ON, ELSEE.
ELSEE, THIS IS MY HOUSE.
DAMN! I WON'T TAKE THAT.
GET YOUR COUSIN OFF OF MY SON! MY
COUSIN? I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR COUSIN!
OH, WAIT A DAMN...
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
GET OUTTA MY DAMN
HOUSE! [All Yelling]
HI, I'M ROSIE PEREZ, THE
CHOREOGRAPHER FOR THE FLY GIRLS,
AND THIS IS MY
PARTNER, ARTHUR RAINER.
TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...
AND PRESENT THE SENSUAL
CHOREOGRAPHY OF MR. ALEX MAGNO.
THANK YOU, ROSA. I
HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT.
♪♪ [Soul]
♪♪ [Ends] [Applause]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. BRONSON PINCHOT,
WHOSE CHARACTER, BALKI, HAS MADE
AMERICA AND HOLLYWOOD A MUCH BETTER PLACE.
OVER HERE, BALKI!
BRONSON, MANN'S CHINESE
THEATRE IS HAPPY AND PROUD...
TO IMMORTALIZE YOU IN CEMENT.
THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHAT'S UP LIKE THAT?
HOWARD TIBBS III. YEAH,
AND MY NAME'S CLAVELL.
AND WE ARE FUNKY
FINGER PRODUCTIONS.
BRINGIN' YOU A DAY IN THE LIFE OF
FUNKY FINGER, HOLLYWOOD- "STY-RLE."
HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU GUYS DOIN' IN HERE?
GET OUT OF HERE! YOU AIN'T
GOTTA BE PUSHIN' ME, MAN.
DON'T HE LOOK LIKE A
BESPECKLED PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY?
FAKE KANGAROO-ASS.
THERE'S MY LIMO, MAN! YEAH,
LET'S GET ON THIS BAD BOY.
MAN, THIS IS WHAT I CALL A
STRETCH LIMO. ROOM FOR 50, MAN.
HEY, YO, JEEVES, IS
THE BAR IN THE BACK?
PUT IN YOUR FARE
OR GET OFF THE BUS.
MAN, I WILL HANG MY STOCKING...
HEY! WHOA! HEY!
NOW, THIS IS WHERE WE GO
TO PROCURE THE DUCKETS.
YOU KNOW, TO FINANCE THIS
EVENING'S BUTT-NAKED FESTIVITIES.
AND YOU KNOW... THAT'S
RIGHT. IT'S ABOUT THE MONEY.
WE ARE PREFERRED
CUSTOMERS IN THIS JOINT.
LOOK OUT! CHECK IT OUT!
SAY, SAY, SAY... HEY!
CLAVY, CLAVY. COME
ON, NOW! COME ON, CLAVY!
IT TOLD YOU SUCKERS,
STAY OUTTA HERE.
[Gunshots]
HEY, HOLD UP, MAN.
HOMEBOY IS TRIPPIN'.
ON THE STRENGTH. HE MUST'VE WOKE
UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CRIB.
YA KNOW! HEY, SPEAKIN' OF CRIBS,
WHAT ABOUT THAT BIG HOLLYWOOD
SCHMOOZE GIG WE ABOUT TO GO TO?
[Laughs] WHERE ALL THE STARS GONNA
BE HANGIN' TONIGHT, HOME-BUCKET.
COME ON. LET'S SKEDADDLE.
PARTY TIME!
MAN, THIS PARTY IS DEAD. AIN'T
NOTHIN' BUT A BUNCH OF STIFFS, MAN.
COME ON, Y'ALL. LET'S
BRING THIS PARTY TO LIFE.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, ARSENIO...
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
THIS IS NOT
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.
CAN'T BE. YOU GONNA HAVE TO
STAPLE A PUMPKIN TO YOUR ASS.
THERE'S SAMMY. HEY, DON'T
I LOOK LIKE HIM SOMETIMES?
MAN, ONLY ON TAX DAY.
NOW, AIN'T THAT A "COINKYDINK"?
YO, ELVIS, MAN, DO ME A FAVOR AND
TELL THESE PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE DEAD.
COME ON, MAN. LET
US MOVE ON, MAN.
I'M LOOKIN' FOR
AL GREEN IN HERE.
KENNY, ON THE FOR REAL TIP, YOU MEAN
THEY LIPOSUCKED FAT RIGHT OUTTA THE BOOTY?
DIANA, GIRL, THE ONLY REAL HAIR
ON YOUR HEAD IS YOUR EYEBROWS.
LET'S GO AND SKEDADDLE.
Y'ALL AIN'T EVEN
PLAYED B.T. EXPRESS YET.
NOW, FINALLY, HERE WE ARE AT THE
FUNKY FINGER PRODUCCIONES FACILITÉS.
RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE
MIDDLE OF HOLLYWOOD.
NOW, DIG, THIS IS WHERE WE
TAPE ALL OUR SHOWS AND FILMS.
NOW, TONIGHT WE'RE DOIN' A
FUNKY FINGER MOVIE OF THE WEEK.
IT'S REMAKE OF THE MIRACLE
WORKER. BUT HERE'S THE KICKER.
IT'S A MUSICALE.
LOOK AT YOURSELF, MAN. I'M
SORRY. ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.
LET ME PUT MY GLASSES
ON. COCK THE SKIMMER.
YOU KNOW, I'M STILL
A PRETTY... [Garbled]
LET'S DO THIS. HERE WE GO.
TAKE NUMBER ONE OF...
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS?
I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
ALL RIGHT. THE MUSICALE.
ONE, TWO, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!
♪ I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ♪
♪♪ [Imitating Guitar]
♪ WHERE YOU AT YOU SEXY THING ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT YOU SEXY THING ♪
♪ I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ♪
HEY, HEY, CLAVY. IT
WILL LOCK UP, MAN.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN.
♪ WHERE YOU AT ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT ♪
♪ WHERE'S MY HAT ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT ♪♪
WELL, LOOKEE HERE.
HEY, FINE BROWN.
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHIN', BIG LEGS.
ARE YOU RELATED TO PAM GRIER?
'CAUSE YOU CERTAINLY
HAVE THAT STAR QUALITÉ...
THAT WE NEED IN OUR
NEWEST FILM PROJECT,
BASIC IN-STANK.
DO YOU GET IT? SO YOU BOYS
LOOKIN' FOR A LITTLE TALENT, ARE YA?
CLAVY, TELL HER WE'RE ON THE UP-AND-UP.
SHOW HER ONE OF OUR BUSINESS CARDS.
OH, BET YA, BY GOLLY. WOW.
NOW, LET ME SEE HERE... I THINK I...
YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH
OUT. HOWARD... BAM!
NOW LOOK HERE. PAY NO
ATTENTION TO ALL THAT.
THAT'S JUST MY CABLE BILL. BUT
YOU CAN KICK IN AND PAY FOR THAT.
WE ARE GONNA BE PARTNERS NOW.
I DON'T THINK YOU BOYS UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T PERFORM FOR FREE.
CLAVY, WHAT YA HOLDIN'? WELL, HOW
ABOUT THIS FIVE SPOT? WILL THAT ENTICE YOU?
- BAM!
- DAMN SKIPPY!
OH, MAN, THAT'S A
NEW TYPE OF FREE.
MM-MMM. L.A.P.D., BOYS.
YOU GOIN' DOWNTOWN.
WHAT? YOU AIN'T NO REAL ROLLER.
THIS ISN'T QUITE THE
ENDING WE PLANNED.
WELL, LOOK HERE, HOWARD.
THINK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, MAN.
THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT
LOCALE FOR OUR NEW FILM,
PENITENTIARY VI, MAN. ALL
RIGHT. LET'S MOVE ALONG.
HEY, LOOK HERE. GET LEON ISAAC
ON THE PHONE. HE ALWAYS PAY A FOOL.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT LET
YOUR HANDS DO IT ♪
♪ LEGS DO IT DANCE TO IT ♪
♪ WE GONNA DO IT OH,
OH, JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪♪ [Man Rapping, Indistinct]
♪ HANDS DO IT COME ON ♪
♪ DO IT HANDS DO IT ♪
♪ DO IT JUST LIKE ♪
♪ DO IT WE GONNA DO IT ♪
♪ LET YOUR HANDS
DO IT DANCE TO IT ♪
♪ JUMP TO IT SO
PLEASE DON'T DO IT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE THAT LET
YOUR HANDS DO IT ♪♪
GEE, WES, I'M SO GLAD YOU
LET ME BE IN YOUR MOVIE. YEAH.
I'M SORRY, SIR. YOU ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE.
THIS IS A CLOSED SET. HEY,
IT'S-IT'S ALL RIGHT. LOOK...
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN
ALL THE ACTION? EVERY SCENE.
A GUY CALLED IN SICK. I NEED A STUNT
DOUBLE. HOW'D YOU LIKE THE JOB?
WOW! WOULD I! MY BIG BREAK.
WES, YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
DON'T EVER KISS ME AGAIN.
WHAT KIND OF GUY WOULD I BE IF I DIDN'T
LOOK OUT FOR ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE...
THAT STOOD NEXT ME ALL
THESE YEARS, HUH? RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME, WES, BUT WE'RE
READY FOR THE FIGHT SCENE. SURE.
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE! PLACES!
BUCKING BRONCOS WITH WES
RAWLS. SCENE THREE, TAKE ONE.
AND... ACTION!
THAT BADGE DON'T SCARE ME.
OH, YEAH? YEAH.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
CUT! STUNT DOUBLE.
WOW! I GET TO PUNCH THE BAD GUY!
ACTION.
THIS TOWN AIN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US.
CUT! OH, YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL!
THANKS... THANKS SO MUCH, WES.
MARTY. MARTY, I'M SORRY. I
JUST DIDN'T FEEL IT THAT TIME.
I FELT IT. MY CONCENTRATION
WAS OFF. MY MOTIVATION...
I HAVE TO DO ANOTHER.
WHATEVER WES WANTS, WES GETS.
OKAY? LET'S DO IT AGAIN,
PEOPLE. BACK TO THE TOP!
AND... ACTION!
THIS TOWN AIN'T... OOH!
CUT! CHECK THE GATE!
[Groans] THAT WAS GOOD FOR ME.
OH, I'M SORRY, WES. WE
GOT A HAIR IN THE GATE.
CAN WE, PLEASE, HAVE
ONE MORE? AGAIN?
SURE. YOU ARE A PEACH.
A TRUE PROFESSIONAL.
BACK TO THE TOP, PEOPLE.
ONE MORE TIME.
AND... HOLDING, PLEASE.
LET'S STAY SHARP.
THERE WE GO.
AND... ACTION!
CUT!
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH,
HUH? EVER RIDE A BULL?
I BET HE AIN'T EVER EVEN
SEEN ONE AFORE. [Indistinct]
JUST LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN
I'M TALKING TO ONE'S DROPPINGS.
ALL RIGHT, COWBOY. LET'S SEE HOW TOUGH
YOU ARE AFTER YOU RIDE RED LIGHTNING HERE.
CUT! STUNT DOUBLE.
OH, HECK, NO. I'M NOT
RIDING THAT THING.
LOOK, I NEVER USE IT, BUT,
UM, I LIKE TO KNOW IT'S THERE.
HEY, WHAT KIND OF BIG
BROTHER WOULD I BE...
TO LET MY BABY BROTHER DO
SOMETHING THIS DANGEROUS.
YOU'RE SITTING THIS ONE
OUT. I'M HANDLING THIS.
HEY, THANKS, WES.
HEY, LITTLE BROTHER, HOW'D
YOU LIKE TO DO A LOVE SCENE NOW?
WOW! WOULD I! WELL, YOU
EVEN GET TO GO FIRST THIS TIME.
ALL RIGHT. PLACES, PEOPLE.
AND... ACTION.
WHY, IF YOU AIN'T
THE PRETTIEST GIRL...
I'VE EVER... SEEN BEFORE.
WHAT'S THAT? LIPSTICK
ON YOUR COLLAR?
I'LL TEACH YOU TO CHEAT ON
ME, YOU LOW-DOWN, DIRTY SNAKE.
NO, NO! NOT...
- I'M SORRY!
- YOU JEALOUS LITTLE
HELLCAT, YOU.
I SEE THAT FIRE'S
STILL BURNING HOT.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN
MAKE IT BURN HOTTER.
AND... CUT.
PEOPLE, THAT'S A WRAP. WES,
ALWAYS GOOD SEEING YOU.
THE INCOMPARABLE
WES RAWLS, EVERYBODY.
THANKS AGAIN, MAN. THANK YOU.
WOW, WES. THAT WAS
TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT.
HEY, BUT YOU DID
A GOOD JOB. YEAH?
SO GOOD I'M THINKING ABOUT
PUTTING YOU IN MY NEXT MOVIE.
WOW. WHAT'S IT CALLED?
IT'S CALLED BEEF BEHIND BARS.
PRISON FILM. COOL!
YEAH, I PLAY A CHARACTER
NAMED FRESH MEAT.
YOU'D DO A NUDE SCENE
WOULDN'T YOU? ABSOLUTELY.
GOOD. YOU LIKE SHOWERS?
YEAH, I COULD USE ONE RIGHT NOW.
[Laughs] LOTS OF HUSKY MEN?
COME ON. I'LL TELL YOU
MORE ABOUT IT LATER.
STRAIGHT OFF HIS NEW SINGLE
AND ROLLIN' WITH SPECIAL GUESTS,
TUPAC FROM JUICE AND
FLAVOR FLAV FROM P.E.,
PLEASE WELCOME HEAVY D. AND THE
BOYZ PERFORMING THEIR NEW SINGLE,
"YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE."
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
YOU'RE BLIND, BABY.
YEAH. YOU'RE BLIND, BABY. YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS. SOUND OFF!
♪ IN COMES WHAT COMES
ANOTHER HUMDRUM ♪
♪ DITTY DUM DRUM SOME
YOUNG "FUM" GOT STUNG ♪
♪ ONE, TOW, THREE
FOUR, FIVE, SIX ♪
♪ HARD AS A HEAVY HIT COMIN' WITH A
BAG OF TRICKS AND THE PRETTY CHICKS ♪
♪ IN CONTROL OF MY "HOLSTRO"
YO, I GOT ENOUGH SO ♪
♪ A BROTHER GOT MO'
BUT IT DOESN'T HOLD ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF A VICTORY
HE GOT EVICTED ♪
♪ I'M NOT IMPRESSED BY
WANNABES FROM JERSEY ♪
♪ WHEN I TRIED TO PASS BY
KINDA MADE YOUR HEADS SWAP ♪
♪ NOT FRED FLINTSTONE I'M
GONNA MAKE THE BED ROCK ♪
♪ ROCK TO A RHYTHM
THAT IS WHAT I GIVE 'EM ♪
♪ REALLY SICK AND TIRED
OF THE ISMS, "SCH-ISMS" ♪
♪ SO CHECK MICROPHONE CHECK
MICROPHONE ♪ ♪ CHECK IT ♪
♪ HELL'S GOT THE HONS
BROTHERS LOVE TO TALK ABOUT ♪
♪ SQUEEZE ME ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ SEIZE ME ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ DO OR I DIE PLEASE ME
RUB-A-DUB-DUB IT AIN'T EASY ♪
♪ SEX IF YA SEXIN'
FLEX IF YA FLEXIN' ♪
♪ THINGS ARE GOIN' ON
IN THE HEAVY D. SECTION ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK ♪
♪ ONE ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK, TWO ♪
♪ TWO, THREE ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
COME ON!
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE BLIND
FROM THE FACTS ♪ ♪ COME ON, BABY ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
COME ON, NOW. ♪ YOU'RE BLIND,
BABY YOU'RE BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ HERE I GO HERE I GO
HERE I GO AGAIN-GAIN ♪
♪ WITH A GRIN-GRIN
ON MY BAG RIN TIN TIN ♪
♪ EMERGENCY
RUN, RUN DIAL 9-1-1 ♪
♪ THE "H" TO THE "E" TO THE
"A" TO THE "V" TO THE "Y" ♪
♪ YES, I AM YES, I AM
THE BIG BELLY MAN ♪
♪ HOT DAMN HERE I AM
WITH A MIKE IN MY HAND ♪
♪ ABRACADABRA-IC THIS
IS MY FAVORITE FABRIC ♪
♪ ON THAT FRONT SEAT
READIN' MOBY DICK ♪
♪ ME AND MY CREW PLAYED
A GAME CALLED FLIPPER ♪
♪ WHEN YOU COME AROUND YOU
BETTER TIGHTEN UP YOUR ZIPPER ♪
♪ I PUT SHREDS IN
BEDS JACK THE RIPPER ♪
♪ YES, I DRINK COKE BUT
I'M NOT A COKE-SNIFFER ♪
♪ MAC DADDY-O ON THE PATIO ♪
♪ WHEN I LAY LOW THEY HOLLER ♪
♪ S.S. PEACE GRAB
EVERY BOTTLE TOP ♪
♪ HEAVY GET MIKED PAID
ILL WON'T STOP ♪ COME ON!
♪ TWIST AND TURN LONG AND... ♪
♪ YOU HAD YOUR TURN
NOW IT'S MY TURN ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK, ONE
MICROPHONE CHECK, TWO ♪
- ♪ YOU CAN'T SEE
WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
- COME ON, EVERYBODY!
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT I CAN SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE BLIND, BABY YOU'RE
BLIND FROM THE FACTS ♪
♪ SAY HEY ♪
♪ SAY HO, HO ♪
♪ SAY HEY HEY ♪
♪ OH, ON THE LEVEL ♪
♪ JUST TOO COME ON BABY, YES ♪
♪ HEY, YO HEY, YO HEY, YO ♪
♪ YES ON THE SMOOTH TIP
THE OVERWEIGHT LOVER ♪
♪ ON YOUR RADIO AND ON
YOUR MAGAZINE COVER ♪
♪ DRINK "COCA-COLO"
REMAINDER, I'M SOLO ♪
♪♪ [Scatting]
♪ SIX IN THE HOUSE SEND
STUNT ON THE COPS ♪
♪ WITH THE BRUNT MOUTH
CHECK IT OUT CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ PEACE TO ALL THE
NUBIANS WHO BE IN ♪
♪ TWIST AND TURN UPTOWN ♪
♪ FOLLOW THE LEADER
I GOT THE FEVER ♪
♪ I'M BURNIN' UP LIKE A HEATER ♪
♪ MICROPHONE CHECK, ONE
MICROPHONE CHECK TWO, THREE ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEE
WHAT I CAN SEE ♪♪