Impractical Jokers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Boardwalk of Shame - full transcript

If you were a man, what type

of woman would you be attracted

to?

[ Laughter ]

They say beauty is in the

eye of the beholder.

In this case, yikers.

In this case, raj...

Yikes.

[ Laughter ]

How you doin'?



I have really loud orgasms.

You know, it's like, "ahhhhhh!"

[ Laughter ]

And tonight's loser must

confess a silent but deadly

secret.

News flash... we're on the

street as beat reporters.

And we're trying to get

people to give us quotes about

our news stories.

The catch is we've written

each other's questions, so we

won't know what we have to say



till we get out there.

And the goal is to have the

guts to ask the questions that

are on your pad.

If you refuse, you lose.

Can I just peek real quick?

No, no!

Oh, god. Here we go.

We're gonna do page three.

Turn to page three and ask him

that question, would you?

My name's James.

I'm doing an article for the

paper.

The topic is about laws

regarding sex.

Do you believe that sexual

predators should be required to

identify themselves?

Yes, I do.

Yes.

Okay.

Well, I'm James Murray then.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me, sir.

I'm a news reporter.

The topic is about space

exploration.

With space exploration being a

Multi-billion dollar industry,

do you...

[ laughter ]

Do you have, uh...

do it. Do it. Do it!

With space exploration

being a Multi-billion dollar

industry, do you have any

interest in being an astronaut?

[ Laughter ]

Not really?

Thanks so much.

Come on!

There's no way I can say that.

Got you, sucker.

I'm ready to go, boys.

Do you even got a second to give

me a quote on a thing?

I'm a reporter doing a, a...

Oh, it's okay.

No part of Quinn can assemble

a credible sentence.

I'm a reporter doing a, uh,

uh, article.

[ Laughter ]

Do you have a second to give

me a quick quote?

Okay, all right.

Wow, well, this is on women's

health, so this is... this is

just really appropriate at this

moment.

Okay, do you... do you think

that, uh, well, let's see.

Go ahead. You want to ask?

Go ahead and ask.

[ Translates ]

[ Laughter ]

The guy translated it!

Titty... titty implants.

Have you had your titties

implanted?

No? Okay, okay, so no.

All right, well, hey, guys,

thank you so much.

My editor's gonna love the

[bleep] Out of this, I'll tell

you that right now.

[ Ding! ]

How are you?

Got a quick question for you.

So it's about the weather, the

story I'm doing is about the

weather.

When people say it's hot...

[ chuckles ]

When people say, "it's hot as

balls out here," how hot do you

think the average ball is?

You know, when it's like, "ohh,

[bleep] It's hot as balls out

here."

You know what I'm saying?

How hot is the ball in question?

80? 80-degree ball?

[ Laughter ]

As a parent, what do you do if

your kid's a real dick?

If you were a man, what type of

woman would you be attracted to?

[ Laughter ]

Should I tag my penis in

Facebook photos?

I'm with the times.

I am a report...

Wait, you both just said that in

English, though.

[ Laughs ]

Do you think it's time they

installed toilets in the subway

cars?

Because I don't want to [bleep]

My pants again.

No?

[ Ding! ]

Excuse me, can I ask you a

question?

Sure.

It's on prostitution in the

United States of America.

Yeah?

In your opinion, how much...

In your opinion, how much should

an average white male have to

pay for a... Hand job?

[ Laughter ]

The average white male.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, hello, mom. How are you?

Now ask mom the question.

You know what, though, I

decided to quit.

You decided to quit?

Just now, yeah.

Yeah, sucker.

Tonight's top story... two

losers.

I've got the long game in

mind.

We got the short game.

We're all right.

Moving on, fellas.

We're in the mall posing as

caricature artists.

Yeah, you know those things

they draw when you get like the

big head and the little body?

The pictures have been

predrawn for us, but we don't

know what they look like.

So the first time we show a

customer is the first time we'll

see them.

The goal is to get a tip.

If you don't get a tip, you

lose.

Folks, free caricature

drawing.

You do?

Yes.

Okay, come on in.

Let me get a good look at you.

I think you're flirting with

me.

Murr's in love right now.

All right, murr, you hit on her

after it.

Let's focus.

Well, how old do you think I

am?

She's gonna say 48, dude.

Let's go, murr!

Tell her, "you know, I

learned this in art school."

I learned this in art school.

"I actually got thrown out of

art school."

But I kind of got thrown

out of it.

"For dry humping the

sculptures."

I got thrown out of art

school for dry humping the

sculptures.

Oh, my god!

"But you should have seen

that David."

But you should have seen

that David.

Oh, my god!

I'm gonna make you look

great.

"In fact, I may even keep a

copy of this for my fantasy

files."

I'm going to make it look so

good, in fact, I may even keep a

copy for my files, you know?

"My fantasy files."

My fantasy files.

Let me just take a look and see

how this came out.

Murray's never seen this

picture.

This is the first time he's

seeing it.

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Let's see.

Let me just take a look and see

how this came out.

Oh, my god.

Murray's never seen this

picture.

This is the first time he's

seeing it.

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

This is... oh, god.

Ohh.

I'm sorry she's white.

Now, this is free.

We do accept tips.

I do need a new job.

You don't have to if you don't

want to, obviously.

No tip, no tip, no way.

She's gonna tip him?

She's gonna tip him.

You got it.

[ Ding! ]

Nice to meet you.

You want the hair down?

Yeah, get comfortable.

Whatever you like.

There you go. Looks good.

"Oh, your hair smells

delicious."

Your hair smells delicious.

I can smell it from here.

"It's like fresh taco meat."

It's like a fresh taco meat.

And you are set. One sec.

Let's take a look here.

Ohh, ohh.

All right.

Here is a beautiful little

caricature that we made today

just for you.

Ta-da.

This is for you to take.

And then, you know, we don't

charge, but any tip would be

greatly appreciated.

You're not going to take

the picture then?

Okay.

[ Buzzer ]

Joe with a zilch.

Hello. Hi.

Yeah, right there.

Let me just set myself up here.

"How much do you want me to

put into the Cleveland, Ohio?"

And point to her cleavage.

It's just...

How much... how much of the

Cleveland, Ohio, do you want me

to put in there?

Yeah?

Let me just do a final...

[ laughs ]

[ Stammering ]

I think you're gonna love it.

Check it out. There it is.

All right, it is free.

Ooh! $5?

I'll sign that for you.

She's in disbelief.

All right, go get them,

Van gogh.

You want to do a free

caricature today.

What's your name?

Hey, I'm sal.

Well, have a seat.

"They say beauty is in the

eye of the beholder."

They say beauty is in the eye

of the beholder.

"In this case, yikers."

In this case, raj...

Yikes.

All right, let me see what we

have.

[ Laughs ]

All right, raj.

Ohh.

Raj.

What do you say, buddy?

It's my interpretation of you.

I was getting a real dictator

eating a fruit vibe off of you.

Tips are appreciated.

Whatever you feel.

What is he giving you?

What does he got right there?

$5. Thank you so much.

How does he give him $5?

I don't know!

He's Hitler holding a banana.

He's like...

yeah.

I really appreciate it.

[ Ding! ]

Stupid $5.

Narrator: Joe, murr and sal

are all hanging at loser

central, and whoever loses the

most has to expose a shameful

secret.

We're in the market for a new

roommate.

Yeah, we're gonna be

interviewing strangers and

making sure they're okay with

our peculiar living habits.

For some reason, no one

answered q's ad, so the lucky

bastard gets a free pass on this

one.

Little side note... Joe and I

are actually roommates together.

Big side note... I need a new

roommate.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Tim, how you doin'?

Good to meet you, buddy.

Welcome. Come on in.

Thanks, man. Thank you.

That's why I don't want to lose

it, so I'm just looking for a

new roommate.

So this is the living room.

You know, kitchen.

This is where the guy's moving

out.

Joey, show him the chart we

put on the side of the bathroom.

This here...

It's your daily poop chart.

And here's the... our use

log.

It's a common bathroom.

You know, I just record my logs.

Everything's been pretty solid

lately.

Wait a second.

That's pretty detailed.

It's a log for my logs.

[ Laughter ]

What about your sleeping habits?

Are you a light sleeper, heavy

sleeper?

Pretty heavy, I guess.

"Listen, I sleep nude."

Up there, it gets hot, too,

so I sleep nude.

"And I sleepwalk."

And I sleepwalk, so if I end

up in your bedroom, don't wake

me.

It's dangerous.

All right.

"I do have really loud

orgasms."

It's kind of embarrassing.

But, I mean, I have really loud

orgasms.

[ Laughter ]

Go on and demonstrate.

It's, you know, it's like...

"Ahhhhhh!"

All right, man, well, I just

want to know, do you... would

Up there, it gets hot, too,

so I sleep nude, and I

sleepwalk, so if I end up in

your bedroom, don't wake me.

It's dangerous.

All right, man.

Well, I just want to know, do

you... would you like to live

here?

I think we could be

roommates.

That's awesome.

Oh!

I'm actually nervous.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Give him a dead-fish

handshake.

How's everything?

Good to see you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

Now high-tail it to the

bedroom.

Power walk.

Um, and let me show you the

bedroom.

[ Laughter ]

"Both my therapist and my

parole officer say I'm ready for

a roommate again."

Yeah, this is terrific, too,

'cause both my therapist and

parole officer say I'm ready

for a roommate again, so...

Okay.

So, your therapist and parole

officer... what happened?

Eh, long story.

[ Laughter ]

Why don't you have a seat right

on the couch?

Now power walk into the

kitchen.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Laughs ]

"What's up with him?"

[ Laughter ]

So, what do you do?

Slowly raise the glass up

higher and higher as you talk to

them.

Well, I mean, I work.

I'm hardly ever here.

I'm out of town so you have to,

you know, just keep in touch and

stuff.

And I was gone for, like, three

weeks, but normally, you know,

50, 60 hours a workweek I put

in.

Sal, you think you can keep

talking, take the water from

her, and just have both hands up

with cups of water.

Yeah.

Shared with me the same

thing, too.

She said that, too.

Mm-hmm.

[ Laughter ]

Just sit on the floor.

Lay flat on the floor.

Have you seen other places in

the neighborhood that are

comparable?

Start pushing yourself back.

Just keep moving away.

Just go as far as you can.

This place is great.

I like to just see everything

that I can and... I'm totally

cool.

Like, I'm laid back.

I like to have fun.

So would you be ready to move in

or...

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Okay, let's see if murr can

bag a roomie.

Hi, man.

James. Nice to meet you.

How are you?

What's your name?

Sidan.

Thanks for coming by.

No problem.

What do you do, man?

I do stocks in the

neighborhood.

Murray, match his excitement.

I'm originally from

borough park.

Are you serious?

Yeah!

[Bleep] Yeah, man!

That's awesome, bro!

That's awesome!

Murray doesn't know what to

do right now.

Murray is outmatched.

[ Laughs ]

"Follow me, follow me, follow

me!"

Dude, follow me around.

Man, this is awesome.

We've got the kitchen over here.

You know, we've got bedroom

closet over here.

[Bleep]

Now back to the other room.

And here we can totally have

like parties out here.

We can... seriously, we can

[bleep] Rock, man.

You know what I mean?

I love this guy.

Jump over the furniture.

[ Laughter ]

You are the best!

[ Laughter ]

So what do you say?

You want to move in?

[ Ding! ]

Calm down, you idiot.

He looks like he's trying to

take off.

I am so glad I didn't have to

do any of this.

That's attractive.

Do that on national television.

Narrator: Sal found himself a

nice little place... last

place... with just one challenge

to go.

So, we're here at the longest

line in Manhattan.

These people have been

waiting for hours to get

discount Broadway tickets.

What do we have to do,

gentlemen?

Cut that line.

You've got to score those

tickets.

You get thrown off the line, you

lose.

Here goes Murray. He's going.

He's walking right... oh, my

god.

And he's in.

[ Laughter ]

The guy was in shock and

didn't say anything.

Look at him.

He's taking pictures.

Oh!

No, it's just a great shot,

right?

It's just so good. So good.

It's neck and neck.

Part of me hopes Murray gets

arrested.

[ Laughs ]

Part of you? All of me.

Every part of me hopes

Murray gets arrested.

I cannot believe how far

he's making it.

He keeps bumping into people

while he's doing this fake

picture-take thing.

Sorry. Excuse me.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Chuckling ] Ohh.

He's been spotted.

We're not... we're just

friends right now.

We used to be together, and

now... she's not with me at all.

She doesn't want to be with me

anymore.

I know, but our relationship

issue isn't really something i'd

like to discuss.

I know.

Look at his face!

No, no. Not at all.

Not at all.

I'll step out.

Oh!

[ Buzzer ]

Yeah, sal's going in.

This is the worst thing in

the world.

Oh, he's gonna try to do

the unclip.

I think he's going about

this the wrong way.

[ Record scratches ]

Oh, I went around.

I went to the front, and then I

went back in the side and came

back through, and then I ended

up here.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my god.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Now he's in the soup.

No, this is my good friends.

Everybody here is a friend of

mine.

[ Laughter ]

Let him know that we're

together.

Let him know we're together.

No, i-i-i-i...

No, what happened was...

[ buzzer ]

There he goes.

Sorry.

Larry?!

Larry?!

I was calling you, Larry!

Larry!

[ Laughter ]

He's cutting the whole...

[ laughs ]

Larry!

Larry!

He's cutting the whole line

by simply shouting "Larry."

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

I was calling you!

It is foolproof.

He's cutting everyone and no

one.

Larry!

I was looking for you.

[ Laughter ]

No, he's not Larry.

Oh. That's a shame.

Wasn't Larry.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me one second.

Pardon me.

Look, he's going right to

the front.

I'm sorry about that.

I don't wait on lines.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Pardon me.

I just don't wait on lines.

So I'm just gonna get

"lion king" tickets.

Hey, can I get two for

"the lion king"?

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Joe, murr, and sal

couldn't cut the line, making

sal tonight's big loser.

We're here at the bookstore

to punish sal.

Congrats, buddy.

You are the author of a

brand-new book, and we have set

up a book reading with people

from a book club.

And they're here to meet the

author.

Sal's going to read an excerpt

from the book that we wrote for

him.

Okay, so what sal doesn't

know is that his book is

completely blank.

He's gonna have to make it up

as he goes along.

He's on his own, man.

That's what happens when you

lose.

My name is sal vulcano.

I'm a new author.

And I was gonna read an excerpt

for you guys from the book

congrats, buddy.

You are the author of a

brand-new book.

We have set up a book reading

downstairs with a bunch of

people from a book club, and

they're here to meet the author.

Okay, so what sal doesn't

know is that his book is

completely blank.

He's gonna have to make it up

as he goes along.

Hi, everyone. How are you?

How is everyone doing?

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for having me.

My name is sal vulcano.

I'm a new author.

This is my first published work.

And I was gonna read an excerpt

for you guys from the book

today.

The book is called

"keeping the faith: My battle

with chronic flatulence."

[ Laughter ]

It's a very raw book.

I don't pull any punches.

Okay, so I'll begin.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah. Um, okay.

[ Laughter continues ]

Uh...

Just making sure they marked the

right page for me.

Yeah.

Uh...

It began when I was just a baby.

The nurses and doctors, they

suspected that there may be an

internal intestinal issue

because they heard many noises

coming from the baby area.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

People would make fun of me, and

the only answer I had was

flatulence.

But I did get an operation.

The operation backfired.

I flatulate twice as much now,

and it seems like a cruel joke

that is being played on me.

Is there any questions?

What was the name of the

operation?

Uh...

Oh, man, it was...

Yeah, it was awhile ago.

It's a long word.

Let's go with flatulectomy.

I hope this has been not as

excruciating for you as it has

for me.

Really appreciate it.