I'm Alan Partridge (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 3 - Watership Alan - full transcript

...Then we bring the cows in; get them milked by 6AM.

You're listening to this morning's farmer.

Go on; you were talking about cow bringing in...

Yeah we bring them in for milking...

and then all that can go...

Pop a straight jacket on them?

Wha?!

Thanks very much for being this morning's farmer! Robert Moon.

Robert, did you have your breakfast this morning?

Well I reckon the way things are lookin'

Can you just answer yes for the purposes of a joke?



Yes?

In which case you might be a "FULL" Moon.

Hello?
-I'm still here.

Yeah I was making a punn on your name.

Ah, right.

Anyway thanks very much for being this morning's farmer.

Sorry about that; Robert a bit slow on the uptake there.

I don't know what he had for breakfast;
presumably an infected spinal column in a bap.
(bread roll)

Making a quick joke there about how infected cattle feed
can attack the central nervous system.

It's just come up to 5:35AM

Kommen sie bitte und
listen to Kraft Work.

Let's get back to Cock-a-Doodle-Who!

And I asked, Who in vented the Skip?
Jack on line two.

Good morning Alan, look I just wanted to say your comments earlier



about farmers was ignorant and offensive.

Who invented the skip?

I don't care who invented the skip; I think it's way out of order you
-Who invented the skip?

You speak like a man who has no knowledge of the subject
that you're talking about

Who invented the skip? Who invented the skip?

I don't know who invented the bloody skip; I'll be a moron;
I don't bloody know, do I.

I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off.

You are going to apologize to them all on your show are ya?

Come on you must know of some of the rotten rubbish you produce;

I mean tongue for example who eats tongue for goodness sakes?

Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame seed cobb?

Listen! You made these comments without any real knowledge
about the pressures that we are under.

I just didn't find it very funny. That's all.

Well I woudn't eat one of your tomatoes if it came up
and said eat me -

which is not unlikely considering all the rubbish you stick in them.

You ignorant Shit!

Caroline Line four; hello.

Hello Alan, so yeah have you have a brain
or is your head just full of shit?

Ok Mike from Palgrave are you there sir?

Oh you ignorant cu**.....

Take a pinch of white man

wrap him up in black skin

What's the next bit?

Add a dash of blue blood.

Add a dash of blue blood.

A little bitty bit...

And something else in Geordie
(nickname for a person from the Tyneside area of NE England)

This hasn't been cleaned in years.

Hey! There's a little Japanese solider in here still fighting the war!

You daft racist.

Curly black and kinky

mixed with yellow chinky

Can you still say that?

Yeah you're alright with that because it's a race of people
and it's a food!

Chinese!

Yeah you're absolutely right yeah.

Partridge!

Yes I'll hold.

I'm possibly up for presenting a "Hamilton's Water Break" video.

Oooh!

They're the Nofolkd Broads.

I'll tell you how I found out about this job

Bill Oddie was ...
sorry Hello!

Yes.

No the last corporate job I did

for a company that makes toner for photocopiers.

No no I was dressed as an exclamation mark.

I walked out after 5 minutes; it was demeaning.

I had to flag a cab dressed up -

which helped actually.

Well I'd be delighted to do the job.

Well hang on; you can't book me and ask me to pull out

when Cliff Thorburn becomes available again.
(Canadian snooker player)

Well now look you've got a choice you can either book me now

or wait for Cliff Thorburn.

And if Cliff Thorburn goes AWOL you're up slack alley.

Now who's it to be? Me or Cliff Thorburn?

Thank you very much indeed.

Kiss my face!

I am going to present a corporate video for Hamilton's Water Breaks!

Champion!

Woy oye! ...That sounds Geordie doesn't it?

Have you ever been to the far east Michael?

Only Manila, HongKong, and Bankok , like.

Bankok?
-Aye.

So what did you see in Bankok?

I saw the golden temple man. Beautiful it was.

Yeah, what else?

There's a river market, right; all the little boats come up

and they have all the fresh produce.

Come on!

Tell me about the lady boys.

Oh you mean them transsexuals.

I seen them but you know they're disgusting I kept away from them.

Oh God yeah yeah.

Fascinating creatures though.

Looks like a lady, but really it's a man.

I don't find them attractive; it's just confusing.

I don't suppose you've got any army stories about them?

I did hear about this corporal, right...

And he's in the third battalion this lad, and he's right mean ok.

And he hangs out in bankok, right.

And all the prostitutes are coming out and saying how much;

And he's all "Im not paying that" right.

And then this beautiful lassie comes up; she's gorgeous man

and she's half the price of the others.

And they're getting down to it.

He puts his hand up her skirt,

Gets ahold of the old meat and two veg, right!

He thinks - hang on ive paid my money ive gonna have some of it;

so he flips him over

and he f....

..And funny enough it lands on it's wheels

and its starts first time, and they just drive away.

Strangest story I've ever heard.

Ah Hello Lynne.

Oh I see what you...
Ah! Right! Yes!

Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his

who slept with

a Landrover.

Lonely nights in the desert.

That's all fixed now Mr Partridge; I'll be on my way.

Right, ok.
-Good mornin'

Just to check -

that wasn't the real ending to the story, was it?

No no.
-Just because Lynne is here.
-Aye

Just a few things Alan -

We've had a call from Norwich Radio.

There have been more complaints from farmers
about what you said.

Right, how many?

Fifty.
-Oh! Your age!

Well Hamilton's have
-Alan you've eh..

come "free" at the side.

Oh! Sorry!

A genuine mistake.

Anyway, I got the Hamilton's job.

Yes I've been speaking to them; they are coming over this afternoon.

Did they say that you have to have your wife on the shoot?

Ah Lynne did you tell them that my wife has left me
and she is living with a narcisistic sports pimp?

You've...You've popped out again.

I'm sorry; that wasn't deliberate; I promise you.

It's not a cry for help.

It's just that I've had these short since 1982.

They did have an underpant lining, but it's parished.

They've taken a bit of a pounding over the years.

In fact could you get me some new ones please?

I'm going to have to ring Carol and ask if she'll do the corporate video.

Lynne, you speak to her.

Please.

Hello. Yes he is.

It's a man.

Oh that's her boyfriend.

Hello? Yeah it's Alan.

You're lovers husband.
Yeah.

The immersion heater?

It's underneath the stairs.

You only really need to press that if you're having a deep bath.

Well put it on an hour before and Bob's you're Uncle -
you've got a deep bath.

Yeah well, if you would please - yes.

He's gone to get Carol; you speak to her!

Hello Carol, how are you?

Carol would you like to be in Alan's corporate video?

Right. She says no and she wants to speak to you.

Tell her I'm not here.

He's not here.

She says she can hear your voice.

Call her a fat cow then hang up.

Fat cow.

Well done Lynne.

Now before we get up

I'm just going to warn you

I have popped out again.

It's in no way connected with our proximty.

So just don't turn 'round.

Right! The boys are back in the barracks.

Take a pinch of white man

What we need is a great big melting pot.

Big enough to take the world and all it's got.

Keep it turning...

I could pretend to be your wife.

Good morning.

Hello Alan!

Lynne's a good worker
but I suppose she is a bit like Burt Reynolds;

Very reliable, but she's got a mustache.

A bit like Lady boys.

Look like a woman but really it's a man.

I don't find them attractive; it's just confusing.

Good morning Sophie; you're not a man are you?

No, would you settle this month's bill please?

?8 Miscellaneous services;
that sounds disconcertingly vague.

You used this pay channel.

Ah right yeah; it's very confusing.

I find the pay channels very confusing.

Can I just explain - I was trying to access Driving Ms Daisy.

Ah yeah and that's why you only watced it for 15 minutes.

Yes because it was the wrong film.

Have you seen it? Is it good?

What - Driving Ms. Daisy or Bankok Chick Boys?

Driving Ms Daisy.

Is it a good film?

Don't know I havn't seen it.

Was Bankok Chick Boys good?

I don't know; I didn't see it.

I couldn't see it because I was in the bathroom.

Ben, Mr. Partridge was just saying that he couldn't
see Bankok Chick Boys from his bathroom.

Well you can if you angle the mirror by the door.

Do you want me to show you?

NO! I only watched it for 5 minutes.

The remote control was confusing.

Oh, what you will have done is...

when it flashed up on your screen

"Do you want to watch Bankok Chick Boys?"

You must have pressed the button that says YES.

Yeah well I say, it's very confusing.

Do you want me to come up and show you
how to press the button that says NO?

Yes... Yes I want you to show me the button that says no.

Oh and I'll show you that mirror thing.

No!

Look do you want me to settle this bill?

Ah no.

I mean yes!

You're right; it is confusing isn't it.

Yes.

Oh, hello Mr Partridge.

Drink?
-No No.

Have you got any tonic water?

Aye.

With some ice.

And a segment of lemon.

And could you top it up with some Gordon's Gin.

A gin and tonic.

Yeah that's right, yeah fine.

Alan.
-Ah hello.

The gentlemen from the corporate video are on their way.

Excellent well I've done my homework.

Would you like a drink?
Oh! Thank you!

Well, I'll have a Bailey's.

One small Bailey's please.

Lynne I was thinking about getting a substitute wife -

and I would really love you to go down to Sol Dangerfields casting agency

and tell them to get me a 40 year old scorcher!

And do use that word!

Are you Alan Partridge?
-Yes.

Hi I'm Steve Bennett; I'm the director of the Hamilton's Water video.
-Right we spoke on the phone.

Right this is Hugh Morris he is the marketing director for Hamilton's.

He's going to be coming along as sort of eh keeping an eye on us.

Make sure I don't sink the boat and drown everyone like a bit twit.

Nah I'll be down in the pub probably.

What!?

I'll be down at the pub getting the beers in!

Why are you speaking like that?

Ah it's a voice box.

That's great fun; where do you get those - a toy shop?

I havn't got any vocal cords.

You sound like the girl in the Exorcist.

I've got to say I love the script. It's superb.

There's a lovely phrase in it where it says
boating appeals to both friends and family alike.

Lovely phrase very simple. Very moving.

Alan it's a boat video.

We're not making a James Bond Movie.

Interesting because you do sound like a baddy in a James Bond film.

Doctor No - Vocal Cords!

No Alan we want to keep it simple.

That's why we hired you. You're a local fellow.

That means good communications with tradesmen;

...with landlords, with farmers.

At the end of the day the pubs are open

and we'll be in there getting pissed.

Sounds good to me.

Michael do you want to pop that in the bin.

Aye.
-Just some notes I made last night for a laugh.

I was drunk, you know.

I woke up this morning - asleep on the sink just like this.

Been asleep for 8 hours like that.

Got up walked downstairs, straight downstairs, had breakfast
didn't even wash my hands;

'cause I'm a bloody bloke.

Anyway there is the bar gentlemen; choose your weapons.

What?
-I'm offering you a drink.

Oh right.
-Now you're talking my language.

Well I hope not.

Pint of lager.
-Pint of lager.

Three lagers. Yeah.

Three pints of lager, right

You're having a lager and these two drinks here.

Yes, yes these are the chasers.

Never had one of those.

You've never had a lager and gin and tonic
and Bailey's Irish Cream chaser?

No.

You big girl's bras!

Has that got a name that drink?

Yeah they are called Lady Boys.

Right because gin and tonic and Bailey's are like a ladies drink;

lagers are a boy's drink.

That's why I said that, yeah.

Cheers!

AAhh!

Ah! Lady boys!

Do you want one?

Yeah!
-Yeah!

Great! Three...Well four lady boys.

Four Lady Boys righeo.

How much is that?

That'll be ?33.

Well, here's to a good corporate video

and lots of BEING MEN.

Alan!

Oh! Im confused!

What time is it?

Six o'clock.

How long have we been drinking?

Three quarters of an hour.

I think I'll go to my room and ah...

lien on the sink.

I have a little bit of ..sick.

Mr Partridge, that's the kitchen!

Yeah, I'm going to ..cook all the food.

Alan this is a hotel!?

Three star.

Hello Carol?

It's Alan.

How are you?

Me? I am having a fantastic time.

Yeah.

I am having the best time since - sliced bread.

How is Mr. "Planet of the Apes" Man?

Is he still driving that Renault Megane?

Can I just read you something from Top Gear Magazine?

It's alright I've got it here. Got it here.

With a mere 90 Brake Horsepower available

progress is too liesurely to be called fast.

But on a motorway in 5th gear

the Magane's slow pace really becomes a pain.

Uphill runs become power zappingly mundane

while overtaking National Express coaches

can become a long drawn out affair.

Not my words Carol, the words of Top Gear Magazine!

Hello?

Come in.

Hi I've come to show you how to use your tele.

Oh yes yes its very confusing.

yeah.

So that's Sky Movies.

Sports.

CNN.

Adult channel. That's your dirty movies.

Yea not really my cup of tea.

Well I can disconnect it.

Put a scramble on it just lock you out of the system.

pfft... That will probably be alot of trouble won't it?

Not really it's just a switch.

ummm....
-It's up to you yeah? You're the boss.

What you get up to in here - that's you're business.

I don't get up to anything!

Do you want me to disconnect it?
-Yes!

ok!

There.

That's disconnected.

Good.

Right! Lads!

Alan.

I got really drunk last night.

I was sick everywhere.

Were you sick?

Not really no.
-No.

Look at the legs on that.

She was certainly first in the queue
when God was handing out chests.

Mammory glands.

Oooo! I'd love to have it off with her.

Mmmm.....Sex!

For a British Holiday with a difference on a boat

always choose Hamilton's Water Breaks.

With the melting of the polar ice caps,

most of East Anglia will be under water in the next 30 years.

So make the most of her stunning fends before the floods come

causing a little concern for these local farmers I chatted to.

This is my wife and I going off to the local market place

where we can buy anything from film cells
to posters of famous Hollywood stars.

This chemical toilet is a Sani-Flow 33.

Now this little babe can cope with anything

and I MEAN anything.

Earlier on, I put in a POUND of mashed up dundee cake.

Let's take a look.

Not a trace.

Piece of mind Im sure;

especially if you have elderly relatives on board.

Try pedestrianizing this.

Ok can you hold that pose now Alan?

Partridge you Wanker!

(farmers heckling in background)

Ahhhh!

(farmers heckling in background)

We'll dub that out; play some music over it.

How are you - how's your friends?

Fine.

It might look a bit hokey from the outside

but a Hamilton's boat is desceptively large.

My wife and I found it actually offers the kind of luxury and comfort

you'd normally associate with a good quality

static caravan (stationary holiday trailer).

You're not having any bacon?

No I'm vegetarian.

Yes, I know.

Just a joke.

I'm joined by Alice, who's not going to shrink me into a little bottle

she's going to tell me about Hamilton's holiday breaks.

You regularly book don't you?

Yup.

Do you do that with your boyfriend? Or...

No I do it alone.

What - you book alone?

Yup.

How old are you?

Twenty five.

Right. What do you do on a boat alone?

Read a book, relax, look at the scenery.

No, she sounds weird. We can't use that.

Sorry, thank you love. Thank you.

That is a bit odd.

Up with the Partridge!

You're joining me Alan Partridge

and Peter Backsondale Thomas of the Norfolk Famer's Union.

Now yesterday, I sort of trodded a rather large farmer's pat

when I made some comments about intensive farming.

Where did I go wrong?

Well I think your comments were ill-founded.

They were deeply ignorant.

They showed a complete lack of understanding on modern agricultural methods

and simply serve to highlight the sort of intense stupidity

that farmers encounter from armchair pundits

who forget to think before they open their mouth.

But with a full and frank apology that you're about to give this morning

I think you can dig yourself out of this rather ugly hole.

Yeah.

Um. Sorry.

Do you have any requests? Anyone you want to say hello to? Or

Look I'm just trying to say that when you make ignorant comments like you did the other day

you serve simply to alarm the public

and to enflame the farmers which is exactly what you've done.

Why don't you just apologize and make a nice sincere

Mooooo!

Thought that up earlier

You could talk the hind legs off a donkey.

But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of

all the chemicals you put in their chips.

Alan I don't have donkeys.

And even if I did I wouldn't feed them chips.

This is exactly the sort of rubbish you came up with the other day

when you talked about putting a spine in a bap (English bread roll)

I admit that was a mistake; I shouldn't have said bap.

Good good well that's a start.

I should have said baguette.

Because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.

Listen you've upset half the farmers in this community.

You seem to alienate everybody you come accross.

Including I gather - your wife which is why you end up living
like some bloody tramp

In a lay-by.

It's a travel tavern.

I don't care what you call your sorted little grief hole;

it makes no difference to me.

The fact is that an aweful lot of my colleagues

yeah farm yard animals, yeah.

You're talking about my friends here.

I've probably got more friends then you've got cows.

This is ridiculous.

How many cows have you got?

I've got a hundred cows.

Yup I've got 104 friends.

I don't see what this is going to gain you; why don't you just

issue a frank and full retraction of what you said

and you'll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother.

Yeah you are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.

I don't think this has anything to do with class.

And the plums have mutated and they've got beaks.

Beaks?

Yes beaks.

Have you got any more of this or do you want to stop at quacking plums?

No, no; you make pigs smoke.

I want to know where you think you own the right

to go swanning off on this ludicrous

Swans!

You feed beef burgers to swans.

Do I?

Yes you do.

Alright well perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with
feeding beef burgers to swans?

Err what?

Well if you fill a swans stomach up with beef burgers

it's full of fat it will float better.

That's why we do it.

Really?

No you complete cretin!

I'm just contributing to this total farce.

What else are you going to accuse me of?

I'll tell you what.

You farmers, you don't like outsiders do you.

Like to stick to your own?

What do you mean by that?

I've seen the big eared boys on farms.

For goodness sake.

If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic

and there's a nice pond in it

you fill in the pond with concrete

you pough the family into the field

you blow up the tree

and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife

who's also your brother.

Have I got anything else to say here or should I go?

Well listen Ill tell you what the point is

you have big sheds

but nobody is allowed in

and inside these big sheds

are twenty foot high chickens.

Because of all the chemicals you put in them

and these chickens are scared; they don't know why they are so big.

They go, "Oh why am I so massive?"

And they're looking down on all the other little chickens

and they think they're in an airplaine because

all the other chickens are so small.

Do you deny that?

No!

His silence I think - speaks volumes.

And basically do you agree that everything I have said thus far

is completely correct?

Yes.

(lower voice) YES.

And do you also run over badgers in your tractor for fun?

Yes.

Thank you Peter Backsondale Thomas.

This is Tapao!

How did it go?

Oh! You know - up and down.

More bad news I'm afraid.

The actress playing your wife can't do the filming today.

Ah For goodn---Why not?

Well she got a part in "The Bail".

She's playing a shoplifter.

Oh. Well, quite good.

Ah well we'll just have to think of something.

Scene thirteen take two.

One of the benefits of global warming

and international terrorism

is that more and more people are holiday'ing in England.

I'll drink to that. Cheers.

How was that? Ok?

Nah it's not working you can tell.

Really?

Scene thirteen, take three.

One of the benefits of global warming

and international terrorism -

..is that

No no no cut it.

No. Right.

Action!

Absolutely!

The Norfolk broads offers the true piece and tranquility

of the English countryside;

A million miles from the urban decay of a Manchester Ship canal

And the pot smoking whore ridden waterways of Amsterdam.

Indeed the dis-used cotton mills and legalized hardcore pornography

are a million miles from your thoughts
as you negotiate the Norfolk Broads.

In fact the very fact that hardcore pornography is not on the agenda

What's going on!

Cow! It's a dead cow!

Where did that cow come from?!

Farmers!

I know it's not funny! I know it's not funny!

I'm trapped under a cow.

Alright Ok look

Get the cow off the boat please!

I'm not ok! I'm not ok!

Get that cow off the boat!

It smells!

I can feel an utter on my leg!

Call Cliff Thorburn now please!

Cliff Thorburn is not primarily a presenter;

he is a snooker "X" snooker player

he's an unknown quantity.

Yeah but he's not under a COW!

So book a holiday with Hamiltons.

"Wat-er-Way" to have a good time!

Cheers!

Cut!

Ok stick him in the ambulance.

Lovely! Great! Well done.

Cheers Alan!

Well done!

Good luck with the edit!

(tv) Hello and welcome to the learning Zone.

Thursday night and Friday morning on BBC two.

Hi is that reception?

Right, Susan

can you make pornography come on my tele please?

Well that's very nice of you. Thank you.

Oh!

Subtitles created in Canada manually by hand with care- RFG