I'm Alan Partridge (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 2 - Alan Attraction - full transcript

Mmmmm A nice big thick slice - of "Thin Lizzy".

That was for my tireless P.A. Lynne, 50

who is as diligent and hard working a creature
as ever graced this world we call
...earth.

It's 4:39 AM

Time to run yourself a big bath...
It's Chris Rea.

Very Malty.

Ok! There will be no telephone Cluedo today
(murder mystery game)

because of the threat of a court injunction

from the makers of Cluedo.

It's 6:58 AM

(Chicken crows)
AHA !
(followed by kissing noises)



(laughs) That kissing sound isn't someone kissing me,
or kissing a cock;

it's simply... ahh - a cockeral I mean

It's simply a way of saying It's Valentine's Day.

A day from which Mr Al Capone

ruined a romantic night out for many diners - by massacring them.

Died of Syphilis, he did.

So there is some justice.

Anyway time for me now to hand over to a man
who will hopefully not be massacring anyone this evening -

or indeed killing them with Syphilis.

It's Monsieur David Clifton!

Ah bonjour Monsieur Partridge!

Comment Allez-Vous Monsieur?

Yeah, Whatever -

Did you get any valentine cards this morning?



Actually Alan I have to say - I came down this morning

and I couldn't open my door.
-Lose your key?

I couldn't open my door because

I'd lost my key.

Yeah well I did just say that.

Anyway chocolate oranges -
-Okay! It's 7AM and

we've got a good show lined up for you this morning.

Do you like Chocolate?
-Pardon!?
-Do you like Chocolate?!

Yeah, love it!

I've really got to say this, Dave...
-yeah

Chocolate oranges are available from Rollinsons.

Okay yeah it's 7AM

and first of all we've got China Crisis

Good morning!
-Allright.
-Sorry?

Good mornin'.

That's the one.

Ugh.
Susan, is he new?

Yes he started yesterday.

'Cause he said Good morning with his back to me.

Oh he's okay.

No it's just I've never seen that done before.

Anyway happy Valentine's Day. How are you?

Ah I'm a bit tired; i need my beauty sleep.

Oh you don't need beauty sleep.

Well, Forty winks.

Did you get the chocolate orange?
-Oh yes thank you.
-Good.

There might have been some superficial damage to the box,
but the chocolate is perfectly edible.

I give them to all ladies I know -
age 50 and under.

Over 50 just seems - sarcastic.

I'm afraid I need to watch my figure.

Well I'll watch it for you -

do you have a pair of binoculars?! Oooh!!

If you'd like I'll talk - I've got a fat back.

What's that?

It's a build up of fatty deposits just above the belt line.

It's very well concealed in casual clothing, but

you don't want to see me in my underpants.

Sophie did you get your chocolate orange?

Yeah.

I got you a dark chocolate one because I know you don't like milk.

I do like milk chocolate.

Oh right well I could exchange it;
I could talk to my chocolate people.
-Yes please.

Uh, have you tampered with the wrapping?

Uh well there is a bit of superficial damage to the box.

Don't worry about the damage.

They're all damaged.

Eh, well, have you kept it below room temperature?

Don't think so.

Ah, right. In that case, I'm afriad you invalidated the warranty.

Above room temperature it all congeals
into one big dark chocolate cricket ball.

I'm afriad consumer rights no longer apply.

I mean you can try Watchdog,
but I think they've got bigger fish to fry.

Excuse me,

are you Alan Partridge?

Yes.

You dropped this;
your ID card - radio Norwhich.
-Ah, right. Thanks.

You alright?
-Good morning.

Actually Sophie there is an issue I've been meaning
to raise for the last two weeks.

You know those little soaps you leave in the shower room?

Well they'll withstand -AT BEST- one agressive body scrub.

They start off the size of mini frisbees

and they end up actual size Paracetamol (acetaminophen).

Can't you use two?

I suppose that MIGHT work.

I'll just write that down.

Hello.
-Hello Susan.

So have I upset her?

No she's fine.

Alan did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning?

No no I'm old enough to be her father

or her older brother.
Either way it's incest.

Ben,

Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card?

Um, well I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.

You know the fact that he made that joking remark
doesn't necessarily mean that he actually sent you the card.

Did you send it?
-No i sent you a chocolate orange but I had the decency to admit it.

Ah come on Alan it's just a bit of fun.

A lie is a lie.

Your P.A. is here.

Oh hello Lynne. Shall we grab a pew?

Thanks for my dedication this morning; very nice.

You're welcome.

You realize it was nothing to do with Valentine's day.

What have you got for me?

Eh, do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

The good news.

Well, Rollinsons has said you can have another 50 of the shop soiled
chocolate oranges if you plug them again tomorrow (on the radio).

That's service.

And the bad news?

The accountants say that since you definitely
have not got a second (tv) series from the BBC

You're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions
and close the office down.

Otherwise they are going to declare you bankrupt on Friday.

Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.

Now Alan you are going to have to trade down
your Rover 800 for a smaller car.

Go on.

I picked up these brochures for the new Metro.
It's a lovely car.

Lynne Im not driving a Mini Metro.

But you do have to make substancial savings.

Lynne, I am not driving a Mini Metro.

If you do you can keep Pear Tree Productions
going with a skeleton staff of two.

There's no point in finishing the sentence Lynne
because I'm not driving a Mini Metro.

But if you...

Lynne! i'll just speak over you.
-But Alan!
-No!

Go on - try and finish the sentence and see what I do.

Go on!

I'm not driving a Mini Metro!
I'm not driving a Mini Metro!
I'm not driving a Mini Metro!

No no it's different -

It's called a ROVER Metro now.

They've re-badged it you fool!

Well Alan if you want a Rover 200 you're going to have to
sack EVERYONE at Pear Tree Productions.

Fine.

Including Jill.

Jill. Lovely Jill.

She's my favourite.

But fine, I'll sack her.

You smiled there Lynne.

No I didn't.
-Yes you did I can read you like a book.

And not a very good book.

Certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNab

which actually improves with every read.

No you smiled because you don't like Jill
because she is younger than you.

No she's not; she's 50.

Well, so is Helen Mirren (British Actress).

So is Benjamin Netanyahu (Israeli PM).

You're always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu;

let it go Lynne you're never going to meet him.

Well I'm going to get a swat of breakfast.

Oh quick tip Lynne...

You know the breakfast buffet? Eat as much as you like
but from an 8 inch plate?

See that?

12 inches!

Keep it in my room!

See you later!

Aye Aye Mr Partridge! G'mornin'.

Valentine's day today eh?
Love is in the air.

It's Valentine's day today and love is in the air?

Aye! Aye!

I'm getting the hang of this.

Mind you I've been here 10 weeks.

So are we having the full English Breakfast?

Yes please, can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp please.

So they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.

Okay either that or their finger prints, eh?

Can you finger print a sausage?

Yeah well I suppose technically you could, aye!

I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection

I could strap sausages to my fingers.

Probably survive a couple break-ins before they start to fall apart.

Aye maybe its just have like a beef burger for your palm ...you know?

Now that's a bit too far fetched.

I do enjoy these chats in the morning.
-Oh aye.

[singing] "18 'til I die, I'm gonna be 18 'til I die."

Good morning everyone.

Good morning, Jill.

Ahhh thanks for the chocolate orange, Alan.

You're welcome. Did you notice anything about the box?

No.

Exactly. All the others had superficial damage.

I paid for yours.

All your statements are intact.

Well they were when I looked this morning.

Alan, have we got a second series?

Yes!

I knew it!

Well I'll go and - I'll get some champagne shall I?

Actually Bill, sparkling wine will be fine I think.

Whatever.

I'll get some crisps and things.

Actually Jill, a pipe of Pringles will suffice.

Is there anything else you fancy?

Um.. No just a pipe of Pringles.

Would you like me to lap dance for you?

I have a second series.

I like your thong.

Yeah it's vulcanized rubber which means it won't parish.

Wey-hey!!
-Bust your ASS!

Any more news Alan?

Um no just that second series in the bag; you're all on board.

Details to follow.

And who left this coffee cup here?

Sorry Alan I meant to clean it last night

Yeah well that's not good enough; you're sacked.

What?

I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree Productions.

The plague started from a malattended service.

What are you doing Alan?

You're sacked too.
-Why?

Because you do this all the time.

Wha?
-See you did it again!

You did and you're sacked.

Now Allison you are a lady I don't want this to be unpleasant.

Are you sacking me as well?
-Yes I am.

You rotten shit!

Yeah well you're a rotten shit too; get your coat.

Go go go; start the car.

Hello It's Alan again I've locked you all in the boardroom
so you don't get me.

You can leave by the fire escape.

We haven't got a second series;
I just did not have the guts to say that earlier.

A bit like doing my radio show, this... isn't it.

You're listening to Top of the Partridge. Aha. Bye!

Ah! Hi Jill!

Why is the door locked?

To keep you out, you thief!

Wha?

I'm being light hearted; shoot your chuff through that door.

Well I've got the Pringles; and that's for you.

Cool thanks.

Where's everybody else?

They've gone to "Long Stanton's Spice Museum".

Why?

I said congratulations you've got a second series...

We can't celebrate with the Spice Girls so...

You want to get your asses down to the Spice Museum
in Long Stanton.

I mean you know - it's not just spices.

It's sort of about the spice trade.

They've got a model of a slave boat.

It's very big and you press a button and you
hear all the slaves going "Ahhh" like that

because they've packed them in too tight.

Ah listen Jill I really like you but...
-Uh you as well.

Well thanks.

You're packed in a bitter tighter.

Listen just to clear something up -

you know when you make those sort of risque comments

um, are you just flirting in that sort of crude way that

middle age divorcees do?

Or do you genuinely like me sex wise?

Well you know - you're a man I'm a woman.

That's a relief.

Your mind plays tricks.

Your quite successful you got a second series.

Carry on.

You've got needs.
-Yes I have.

I've got needs.
-Good.

Jill is the answer to my original question "Do you like me sex wise" -

Is the answer to that Yes or No?
Quickly!

Yeah!

I'm Batman!

Lion Bar? (chocolate bar by Nestle)
-No I prefer fingers.

Chocolate ones?

Don't mind, really!

Jill you are so dirty.

It's refreshing!

You call a spade a spade.

Actually you probably call it a big tool.

So what are we going to do together then?

Norwhich is our oyster.

Jill,

do you like owls?

They're quite nice I suppose; yeah.

I know a cracking owl sanctuary.

How about it? Unless you can think of anything better?

We can go shopping.

I like the astro turf.

The piece on the wood there.

What is it?
-Basically zero maintenance grass.

Beautiful stuff.

You know when I used to see you in reception

Yeah.
-Do you know what I used to think?

No.

I used to think Ooooooooo she's nicer than my wife.

Ah! That is terrible!
That's a terrible thing to say Alan.

You are MAD you are!

Ah I know; I am a bit mad.

AHHH!

It's alright! I was just portraying a madman.

It looks a bit like death row, doesn't it?

I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down.

You have been found guilty of premeditated homicide

of a mouse.

And you'll be hanged by the neck until dead.

And don't try to hover up so the rope goes slack.

Because they do that - don't they; when you try to hang a horn

they could always hover so the rope went slack

So if you're going to execute a bird of prey

the most humane way would be death by firing squad.

Ah that is the best Valentine's Day I have had in eight years.

What did you do eight years ago?

Just had a better one.

What did you do?
-Went to SilverStone (a village).

Shook Jackey Stuart's hand. Superb.

My marriage fell apart soon after that.

Listen Jill there is a romantic buffet supper at the hotel tonight.

As much as you can eat for 6 Pounds.

I've got a scam going with a big plate.

Do you fancy being my co-eater, lady?

Yeah Alan I'd like that yeah.

Listen to this it will blow your socks off.

Gaudete, gaudete, Christus est natus
Ex Maria virgine, gaudete.

Just give that a quick clean.

Saves me doing it later.

Bon soir.

Would you like to buy a rose for the lady?

It's 2 Pounds; for Norwich Children's Hospital.

I've already done something for them. Did an after dinner with Bill Oddie (author).

Voila.

Ah thank you Alan that's really lovely.

Keep it, keep it.

You can always get me something of equivilant value.

A Pint of Bitter, a big marker pen; whatever.

Are you'se all done? Maybe like to order dessert?

I'll have chocolate mousse.

Oh! Leave that there!

Two chocolate Mousses; on it's way.

Just going over there for a bit.

Ah this is a romantic tribute

to a lovely lady over there

with orange hair and a cigarette in her mouth.

Why do birds suddenly appear

It's just too high!

Every time..Every time...Appear

Just like just like me...

Close to you

Why do why do

Nah that's not working.

Well you get the general idea. Thank you.

That's great actually I didn't know you could sing.

Yeah I used to be in the choir at primary school.

Before it all dropped.

My pre-hair days.

It's all fallen into place now though hasn't it.

Yup i've been "pubic" for 31 years.

I was rather first in my class actually.

Shift it away. Here you go.

Two chocolate mousses.
-Ah thank you.

I love chocolate.

Yeah so do I.

Whispers
-Aero's.
-Ripples
-Flake's
-Caramac

This is good isn't it even though we are just
basically listing chocolate bars.

Oh my God Lynne's here.

Lynne what are you doing here?

Oh Alan more good news.

I managed to negotiate a walnut gear knob
for your smaller Rover.

And did you come all the way out here
to tell me about a walnut gear knob?

Yes well I've been ringing you all day
but your mobile was switched off.

Lynne if my mobile is switched off it's switched off for a reason.

I was at an owl sanctuary.

I was worried that the ringing might have sounded
like a mating call.

I can't have a bird trying to have sex with my phone.

Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?

Oh I just threw it on.

If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that,
you're very much mistaken.

But thanks very much for the gear knob and good night.

We live in the same area I wondered if you'd
like to take a taxi back with me -
you know big savings.

No Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.

I don't recall saying that?!

Oh come on!

Yeah alright then!

Ok, have a good night then.

I will.

I'll go get another half bottle of champagne.
-yeah go on then.

Could you give this to Alan?

It's fungal foot powder.

Now he's got a condition so make sure he rubs this on his feet
last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

Only it just gets a a little bit smelly.

They've got some goat's cheese out there.

They've left it out a couple of hours so it's had a chance to breathe.

Oh she remembered - great.

Why don't we take these to your room.

My room!
It's over there by the lift.

Why don't you take my arm; we will try to leave with some dignity.

'Evening Mr Partridge, and your good lady.
-Michael.

Good night
-Good night
-Good night.
-Good night.

Good night.

Got your big plate Alan?
-Yes.

I wouldn't go in there for a bit.
Leave it about 15...

Leave it for about 15 minutes.

I must say -
I'm tremendously excited by all this.

My sister has got this bed linen.

Ah yeah; does she live in a travel tavern?

Ah she'd like to; it's nice isn't it?

No it's a bloody nightmare.

Is that for me Alan?

That? Oh God no; no I always put my money there.

If it was, you know, you could add a zero to that.

Times six.

Seventy Quid?

Well no; double it.

Well it's still cheap.

I'm not haggling.

I was trying to pay you a compliment.

Unless I've grossely misread the situation,

it was my understanding in the lift
that no money would change hands.

I am all yours.

Er, do you mind if I turn the light out?

Well can't you just dim it a bit?

yeah ok.

Bit more...

How's that?
-Yeah that'll do.

Nice.

Let battle commence.

Do you - do you like me doing that?

Shall I do it more quickly?
Or shall I maintain the same speed?

That's fine.

Right, shall I move onto the other one?

Ah that's lovely.

That's first class.

That is superb.

Oop there you go; it's all happening.

Um Jill i'm afriad I have no sheaths.

No what?

Sheaths, prophylactics, you know rubber johnny's.

Actually being your age and everything
there's probably no need for them.

I'm talking about the meno...Ooo!

Do you mind if I talk?

It helps me keep the wolf from the door so to speak.

Jill what do you think about the pedestrianization
of Norwich city centre?

I'll be honest I am dead against it.

I mean people forget that traders need access to
Dick'SSOONN'SS!

They do say it will help people in wwwheeeeeelll ccchaairrss.

I don't know I have no idea!

Jill what are you doing?
For God sake Jill what are you doing?

Jill for God's sake!

I just thought I'd pour chocolate mousse over you!

But you've got it on the bed sheets;

you've got it on the dressing gown;

you've got it on the valence!

On the what?

The skirt thing around the side of the bed.

I thought it would be erotic!

Ah Jill mousse from a bowl is very nice

but to put it on a person is demented!

Come on! It's only a bit of chocolate.

It may be chocolate to you Jill but to an unwitting
member of the staff this could look like some sort of

dirty protest against the standard of service in the hotel

which I happen to think is very good.

I mean it is not 5 star but it is certainly competitive.

(knocking at door) Oh God.

Yes?

Is everything alright Mr. Partridge? Heard a bit of commotion.

No it's fine.

Ah right, ummm

Do you know you have got chocolate on your face?

Yeah i've just been eating some mousse.

Ah, well, fine.

You've missed a bit.

I'll deal with it later.
-Right.

It reminds me of this time you know - come off like this

because they are doing juggle exercises right

Can we talk about this in the morning?

Eh well no, I won't be in in the morning
because I'm doing late now, right

so I don't come on until about 2 o'clock; so you know..

Ok well when the boat comes in.
-Oh!

So uh - bugger off.
-Aye!

Message understood sir!

Stand down at ease; you are not in the army any more.

Accross the Ouse to the Waveney, this is Radio Norwich.

And now it's time for Alan's Love But...

This is the story of a woman, 50...

and a chap in his early 40's.

This woman enraptured this man

made him feel 16 again.

He thought, I'm going to where a t-shirt with Crowded Houses
on the front of it.

He thought YES! I will buy that copy of Punch! Magazine.

But then she committed a gross act upon his person

which was tantamount to vandalism;

and he realized that not only must they part company

but he must also sack her from her job as a receptionist.

He didn't mention that earlier but um

part of the problem was that she
did work for him and he had to sack her anyway.

Anyway he thanks her for that stolen afternoon.

But yeah even that it was stolen

it's not your property love you've got to give it back.

So just to re-emphasize one more time

her contract has been terminated.

This is Hot Chocolate, "It Started with a Kiss".

"It started with a kiss"

In three minutes time I'll be talking with Norfolk's youngest butcher.

"It started with a kiss"

"...Never thought it would come to this."

"It started with a kiss"

"...Never thought it would come to this."

"Do you!"

"Do you remember me? Do you?"

"You don't remember me! Do you?"

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