I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Audition - full transcript
Ricky finally lands an audition for a television show. After the clown in Ricky's act gets injured, Lucy fills in for him.
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
Ricky, time to get up!
Ricky, time to get up.
Aw, come on, now, honey.
You said you had an
appointment at 11:00
and it's after 10:00.
( groans)
All right, you asked for it.
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu-aye! ♪
All right, all right,
all right, all right!
All right, I'll get up.
All right.
Ricky!
Ricky!
Yeah?
Did you find out when you're
going to do your TV audition?
No, I didn't.
You did, too.
I did not.
It's any day now.
They're going to tell me
whenever they're ready.
You know, I've been thinking
about shows like
Burns and Allen.
George Burns uses
his wife on the show.
Why don't you?
I'd love to.
You think she
would leave George?
Oh...
Well, I know one thing...
You'll never be a
success on television.
And what do you
mean by that, pray tell?
Because you don't have a
pretty girl in your act, that's why.
( under his breath):
Here we go again.
I'll get along.
Everybody knows
that you have to have
a pretty girl in your
act to demonstrate
the sponsor's product.
Really?
Sure. She eats it or drinks it
or waxes a floor with it
or cuts potatoes with
it or drives off in it.
Or smokes it.
So?
So how would you like to have
your sponsor's
product demonstrated
by a gorgeous redhead?
I'd love it.
Oh, you would?
You know where I can find one?
Oh!
Ay-ay-ay!
( shouting in Spanish)
Now what are you doing?
I'm looking for my ear.
Oh...
You didn't really lose an ear.
Eh? How's that?
Oh, stop it.
Honey, you know
how I feel about this.
I don't want my wife
in show business.
Why not?
Oh, Lucy, we've been over this
10,000 times.
I want a wife who's just a wife.
Now, all you have to do
is clean the house for me,
bring me my slippers
when I come home at night,
cook for me and be the
mama for my children.
You never wear your slippers.
It doesn't matter.
Just do the others.
You're missing a good bet.
Huh?
I say, you're
missing a good bet.
Am I?
Yeah.
How you figure?
Because I can sing.
Oh?
And dance.
What else?
And tell jokes.
How about it?
No.
No?
No.
Oh, you have no imagination.
I'll bet if Ziegfeld or
Earl Carroll had seen me,
they'd sign me up like that.
As what?
As a beautiful show girl.
( doorbell rings)
Go answer the door.
Oh!
( whistling)
Oh.
Hey, Rick, have I
got news for you!
Tonight's the night.
Your audition's tonight.
Shh! I don't want Lucy to hear.
Oh. Oh, well, the network
big shots are coming down
to the club tonight to
audition your show for TV.
How do you know?
Well, read this telegram.
I opened it by mistake.
Oh, here's some mail for you.
"Dear Mr. Ricardo, we're
coming down to the Tropicana
to catch your show tonight."
Oh, Fred, that's wonderful!
For goodness' sakes,
don't tell Lucy, will you?
If she knows the
audition is tonight
she'll be pestering
the life out of me
trying to get into the act.
How am I going to get
rid of her for the day?
Well, you could lock
her in the bathroom.
If she stays in there
as long as Ethel does,
she'd never even
know the door's locked.
No, Fred, I can't do that.
Let's see what we got in here.
Boy, what is this?
What is all that stuff?
Oh, it's our wills.
The attorney wants
us to sign them.
Wills? Oh, that's
a happy thought.
Listen, if my show is
not a success tonight,
I'm going to need them.
Well, I wish I could help you.
I wish you could figure
a way to get rid of Lucy.
Yeah? Hey, I know.
I'll have her take these
things down to the attorney.
His office is way downtown.
Well, that ought to do it.
Now-Now-Now, listen,
can I come and hear
the rehearsal tonight?
Sure.
Remember now... tonight's
the night. Knock 'em dead!
Shh!
Shh!
( mouthing words)
( humming "A Pretty
Girl Is Like a Melody")
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da... ♪
( drumbeat)
Lucy...
Yes?
No.
Oh, Ricky!
Don't you want to know
who was at the door?
Who was it? Your agent?
Does he know when
the TV audition is?
What'd he say? What'd he say?
No, it wasn't my agent;
it was the mailman.
Oh. He brought some
papers for us to sign
and we got to take them
down to the attorney's.
It's my will.
Well, I'll get your breakfast.
Your will?!
Yes.
What's the matter, Ricky?
Nothing is the matter.
There is, too.
You're keeping
something from me.
( gasps): You're sick!
I never felt better
in my whole life.
Then you lied to me
when we were married.
You're really
older than I think.
Now, look, honey,
it's just good business.
The lawyer says I
should have a will.
Then everything is
legally taken care of
if anything happens.
I won't discuss it.
Oh, look, honey,
you have to know
how things are arranged
so you know what
to do when I, uh...
when I go.
Oh, all right, Ricky.
That's better.
( wailing)
Now what's the matter?
Oh, Ricky, I miss you so.
For goodnes" sakes, Lucy,
I haven't gone yet.
Don't go, Ricky, don't go.
Now, look, honey,
I'm perfectly well.
I feel fine.
But let's face it.
We all have to go sometime.
We do?
We do, unless you know
something the rest of us dunt.
No, I "dunt."
I'll get your breakfast.
All right, honey.
He brought your will along, too.
My will?
Yeah.
What for?
You're the one that's going.
Now, Lucy...
What are you trying to do...
Shove me ahead of you in line?
Now, look, honey,
this isn't my
idea... It's lawyer's.
We got to get them signed,
and you got to take them
down to the attorney's today.
Impossible.
I have an appointment to
have my hair dyed... washed.
They got to go today.
Now, come on.
Oh, Ricky, the
attorney's way downtown.
It'll take me all day.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, can't they wait?
Absolutely not.
Well, why not?
Well... Well, suppose
you didn't take them down
till tomorrow.
Yes?
And we both got killed today.
Yes?
How could you take
them down tomorrow?
Oh, yeah, that's right.
RICKY: ♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
BAND: ♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪
All right, all right, fellows.
That's pretty bad, you know.
If you're going
to sing, don't go:
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪
Let's go: ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪
Let's put some
pep into the thing.
What's the use of
having a rehearsal
if we're not going
to do it right?
Buffo, aren't you ready yet?
MAN: I'm ready.
Go ahead with my music.
All right, give me the
clown music, fellows.
( playing circus march)
All right, wait,
wait, wait a minute.
Listen, aren't you going to do
the cello bit first?
No, I'm going to
do the handstand
on the handlebars.
Oh, okay.
( music resumes)
Buffo!
What happened there?
Hey, Buffo!
What happened, kid?
The brakes locked.
The brakes locked?
Oh, my goodness. Sit down here.
Are you all right?
I don't know.
He ought to lie
down for a little while.
I'd better go home.
Yeah, and I'll go with him.
Where do you live?
Staten Island.
( moans)
Look, you don't have to
take him all the way home.
Why don't you take him
to my apartment, Fred.
There's nobody there.
All right, come on, Buffo.
I'd better get the bicycle.
I want to see if it's all right.
Never mind the bike.
I'll mind that.
You take care of yourself.
Don't worry about tonight.
I'll be okay.
All right, give me
seventh in the books.
Let's try it, huh?
Everybody on the downbeat.
Here we go. ( playing
discordant notes)
Ay-ay-ay!
What kind of a
start is that, fellows?
( all shouting at once)
( screaming)
It's me... Buffo.
It's Buffo!
Buffo, you scared me to death.
What are you doing here?
I got hurt at rehearsal
this afternoon,
and Ricky said I
could come over here
and lie down for a while.
Oh... what rehearsal?
Are they getting ready
for that TV audition?
Sure, the show's tonight.
Tonight? Why, that big bum.
So that's why he sent me
on a wild-goose chase...
Just to get rid of me.
Well, are you all right, Buffo?
Will you be able to
do the show tonight?
Well, I guess I can,
if the bicycle works.
The brakes locked.
Oh. I'll take a look at it.
Oh, you got it here.
Yeah.
How is it?
Seems all right.
Wait till I try it, huh?
Oh!
Oh!
Here.
Buffo, are you badly hurt?
Oh, you'd better tell Ricky
to get somebody else.
But who?
I don't care.
Why don't you take my place?
Me?
Oh, don't be ridic...
♪ Yo quiero pedir que
mi negra me quiera ♪
♪ Que tenga dinero
y que no se muera ♪
♪ Yo le quiero pedir ♪
♪ A babalu ♪
♪ Una alegra mona como tu ♪
♪ Que no tenga otro negro
para que no se muera. ♪
( shouts)
¡Callo!
¡Suave!
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu-aye! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
( shouts)
Yeah!
¡Suave!
( shouts)
¡Arriba!
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Arriba con la conga ♪
♪ Arriba con la conga... ♪
Yeah!
¡Arriba!
¡Ole!
Yeah!
¡Arriba!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
Hey!
Isn't Buffo here yet?
No sign of him anywhere.
Oh, that's a fine thing.
Look at that, the
sponsors are here.
What am I going to do?
They don't look too happy.
Are you kidding?
For them, that's hilarious.
Well, I'll just have
to wrap up the show.
That's all I can do.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we thank you very much for
being such a wonderful audience
but we'll have to conclude
the show because...
Have you seen a fellow
named "Risky Riscardo"?
I'm looking for a fel...
I'm looking for
a feller named...
Who are you
looking for? ( yells)
Who are you looking for?
I'm looking for a feller
named Risky Riscardo.
Well, I'm Ricky Ricardo.
Oh, well, pleased to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
Do you know where
I'd find Risky Riscardo?
Now, look, clown,
we're doing a show
here, you know.
Ooh, I know, I know, yeah.
Well, what do you want?
I want to be in the band.
Oh, you're a musician.
I am?
Oh, I am, I am, yeah.
Where do I sit?
Hey, wait!
Come back here!
Now, look, come back here.
Wait a minute.
What do you think you can do?
You think you can
just walk up here
and start working with a band
just like that?
Just like that?
What do you think this is?
First of all, I'll have to
see your credentials.
( gasping)
Listen, tell me
something, professor...
Have you had any experience?
Come over here,
please. Professor,
come right over here.
( drum beating with footsteps)
Look, tell me something,
do you play that thin'?
How's that?
I said, "Do you
play that thin'?"
What "thin"?
Never mind making
fun of my English.
That's English?
Do you play that instrument?
Where?
Over there.
Where? There.
Where? Right there.
Oh, there!
Do you play it?
Well...
Yeah.
Well, I tell you
what we'll do...
We'll give you an audition.
Huh?
We'll listen to you.
Play something for us.
No! That's right.
Now? Right now.
Oh, my, will you help me?
I'll help you out, sure.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
( drumbeats)
( drumroll)
( drum riffs)
( drumroll)
( cymbal tap)
Well, here you are, professor.
Gracias.
Gracias to you, too.
( ratcheting)
( drumbeat)
( drumbeat)
( drumbeat)
( cymbals clash)
Yes, professor?
( mouthing words)
Oh, se quiere acompanamiento
con orquesta.
Huh?
Que se quiere
acompanamiento con orquesta.
¿Como lo quiere?
¿En cuatro, en dos
andante, moderato, por arriba?
¿Como lo quiere?
Gracias.
All right, all right.
We'll go with the professor.
On the downbeat,
professor, we'll go with you.
Anytime you're ready,
professor, we'll go with you.
( mouthing words)
( yells)
( band playing circus march)
Yeah, boy!
( drum solo)
Look, professor, professor!
Come over here,
will you, please?
Look, professor, I'm sorry
but I haven't got
any use for a cellist.
No!
No. I'll tell you
what, though...
We have a brand-
new instrument...
Oh?
And I've been looking for
someone who can play it.
Oh.
And if you can play it...
Eh?
You've got yourself a job.
Oh...
Eh? oh.
Eh? oh.
You want to try it?
Well, what is it?
It's a saxovibatronophonavich.
Oh, a saxovibatronophonavich.
That's right. You
think you can play it?
Oh, sure, sure.
Well, wonderful.
Bring it out here!
The professor can play it.
We found someone
who can play it.
Bring it out here.
Professor, we'll take
care of the cello for you.
Here, take care of the professor's
cello. Saxovibatronophonavich.
♪ It's a
saxovibatronophonavich ♪
♪ It's a
saxovibatronophonavich ♪
♪ It's a saxovibatronophonavich
♪ Professor. Professor.
♪ It's a saxovibatronophonavich...
♪ Professor.
( whistles) Professor!
Right over here, please.
Now, look, professor...
All you got to do
is give us a tune,
and you got
yourself a job. Right.
All right? Right.
Go to it. Right.
( screams)
That's it right
there, professor.
That's it. Go ahead, go ahead.
Give us a tune.
( honking "How Dry I Am")
( hits sour note)
( imitating seal bark)
( whistle blows)
( band playing circus march)
Hey, professor! Professor!
Hey!
Ricky...
Ricky, where you been?
It's after 3:00.
Oh, Ricky, talk to me.
Oh, I was only trying
to help... honest.
I never dreamed they'd
offer me a contract.
What are you
going to do about it?
What do you want
me to do, Ricky?
You know what I want.
I just want you to
clean the house...
Oh, I've been doing that
ever since I got home.
And hand me my slippers
when I come home at night...
And cook for you
and be the mama
for your children.
Let's see you pull
that out of your pocket.
Well, Ricky, that's
what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I have a surprise for you.
You do?
Yes... something that
should make you very happy.
Lucy, you mean...
Yes, darling.
Oh, gosh.
I baked your favorite pie.
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)
theme song playing)
Ricky, time to get up!
Ricky, time to get up.
Aw, come on, now, honey.
You said you had an
appointment at 11:00
and it's after 10:00.
( groans)
All right, you asked for it.
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu-aye! ♪
All right, all right,
all right, all right!
All right, I'll get up.
All right.
Ricky!
Ricky!
Yeah?
Did you find out when you're
going to do your TV audition?
No, I didn't.
You did, too.
I did not.
It's any day now.
They're going to tell me
whenever they're ready.
You know, I've been thinking
about shows like
Burns and Allen.
George Burns uses
his wife on the show.
Why don't you?
I'd love to.
You think she
would leave George?
Oh...
Well, I know one thing...
You'll never be a
success on television.
And what do you
mean by that, pray tell?
Because you don't have a
pretty girl in your act, that's why.
( under his breath):
Here we go again.
I'll get along.
Everybody knows
that you have to have
a pretty girl in your
act to demonstrate
the sponsor's product.
Really?
Sure. She eats it or drinks it
or waxes a floor with it
or cuts potatoes with
it or drives off in it.
Or smokes it.
So?
So how would you like to have
your sponsor's
product demonstrated
by a gorgeous redhead?
I'd love it.
Oh, you would?
You know where I can find one?
Oh!
Ay-ay-ay!
( shouting in Spanish)
Now what are you doing?
I'm looking for my ear.
Oh...
You didn't really lose an ear.
Eh? How's that?
Oh, stop it.
Honey, you know
how I feel about this.
I don't want my wife
in show business.
Why not?
Oh, Lucy, we've been over this
10,000 times.
I want a wife who's just a wife.
Now, all you have to do
is clean the house for me,
bring me my slippers
when I come home at night,
cook for me and be the
mama for my children.
You never wear your slippers.
It doesn't matter.
Just do the others.
You're missing a good bet.
Huh?
I say, you're
missing a good bet.
Am I?
Yeah.
How you figure?
Because I can sing.
Oh?
And dance.
What else?
And tell jokes.
How about it?
No.
No?
No.
Oh, you have no imagination.
I'll bet if Ziegfeld or
Earl Carroll had seen me,
they'd sign me up like that.
As what?
As a beautiful show girl.
( doorbell rings)
Go answer the door.
Oh!
( whistling)
Oh.
Hey, Rick, have I
got news for you!
Tonight's the night.
Your audition's tonight.
Shh! I don't want Lucy to hear.
Oh. Oh, well, the network
big shots are coming down
to the club tonight to
audition your show for TV.
How do you know?
Well, read this telegram.
I opened it by mistake.
Oh, here's some mail for you.
"Dear Mr. Ricardo, we're
coming down to the Tropicana
to catch your show tonight."
Oh, Fred, that's wonderful!
For goodness' sakes,
don't tell Lucy, will you?
If she knows the
audition is tonight
she'll be pestering
the life out of me
trying to get into the act.
How am I going to get
rid of her for the day?
Well, you could lock
her in the bathroom.
If she stays in there
as long as Ethel does,
she'd never even
know the door's locked.
No, Fred, I can't do that.
Let's see what we got in here.
Boy, what is this?
What is all that stuff?
Oh, it's our wills.
The attorney wants
us to sign them.
Wills? Oh, that's
a happy thought.
Listen, if my show is
not a success tonight,
I'm going to need them.
Well, I wish I could help you.
I wish you could figure
a way to get rid of Lucy.
Yeah? Hey, I know.
I'll have her take these
things down to the attorney.
His office is way downtown.
Well, that ought to do it.
Now-Now-Now, listen,
can I come and hear
the rehearsal tonight?
Sure.
Remember now... tonight's
the night. Knock 'em dead!
Shh!
Shh!
( mouthing words)
( humming "A Pretty
Girl Is Like a Melody")
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da... ♪
( drumbeat)
Lucy...
Yes?
No.
Oh, Ricky!
Don't you want to know
who was at the door?
Who was it? Your agent?
Does he know when
the TV audition is?
What'd he say? What'd he say?
No, it wasn't my agent;
it was the mailman.
Oh. He brought some
papers for us to sign
and we got to take them
down to the attorney's.
It's my will.
Well, I'll get your breakfast.
Your will?!
Yes.
What's the matter, Ricky?
Nothing is the matter.
There is, too.
You're keeping
something from me.
( gasps): You're sick!
I never felt better
in my whole life.
Then you lied to me
when we were married.
You're really
older than I think.
Now, look, honey,
it's just good business.
The lawyer says I
should have a will.
Then everything is
legally taken care of
if anything happens.
I won't discuss it.
Oh, look, honey,
you have to know
how things are arranged
so you know what
to do when I, uh...
when I go.
Oh, all right, Ricky.
That's better.
( wailing)
Now what's the matter?
Oh, Ricky, I miss you so.
For goodnes" sakes, Lucy,
I haven't gone yet.
Don't go, Ricky, don't go.
Now, look, honey,
I'm perfectly well.
I feel fine.
But let's face it.
We all have to go sometime.
We do?
We do, unless you know
something the rest of us dunt.
No, I "dunt."
I'll get your breakfast.
All right, honey.
He brought your will along, too.
My will?
Yeah.
What for?
You're the one that's going.
Now, Lucy...
What are you trying to do...
Shove me ahead of you in line?
Now, look, honey,
this isn't my
idea... It's lawyer's.
We got to get them signed,
and you got to take them
down to the attorney's today.
Impossible.
I have an appointment to
have my hair dyed... washed.
They got to go today.
Now, come on.
Oh, Ricky, the
attorney's way downtown.
It'll take me all day.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, can't they wait?
Absolutely not.
Well, why not?
Well... Well, suppose
you didn't take them down
till tomorrow.
Yes?
And we both got killed today.
Yes?
How could you take
them down tomorrow?
Oh, yeah, that's right.
RICKY: ♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
BAND: ♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪
All right, all right, fellows.
That's pretty bad, you know.
If you're going
to sing, don't go:
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪
Let's go: ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪
Let's put some
pep into the thing.
What's the use of
having a rehearsal
if we're not going
to do it right?
Buffo, aren't you ready yet?
MAN: I'm ready.
Go ahead with my music.
All right, give me the
clown music, fellows.
( playing circus march)
All right, wait,
wait, wait a minute.
Listen, aren't you going to do
the cello bit first?
No, I'm going to
do the handstand
on the handlebars.
Oh, okay.
( music resumes)
Buffo!
What happened there?
Hey, Buffo!
What happened, kid?
The brakes locked.
The brakes locked?
Oh, my goodness. Sit down here.
Are you all right?
I don't know.
He ought to lie
down for a little while.
I'd better go home.
Yeah, and I'll go with him.
Where do you live?
Staten Island.
( moans)
Look, you don't have to
take him all the way home.
Why don't you take him
to my apartment, Fred.
There's nobody there.
All right, come on, Buffo.
I'd better get the bicycle.
I want to see if it's all right.
Never mind the bike.
I'll mind that.
You take care of yourself.
Don't worry about tonight.
I'll be okay.
All right, give me
seventh in the books.
Let's try it, huh?
Everybody on the downbeat.
Here we go. ( playing
discordant notes)
Ay-ay-ay!
What kind of a
start is that, fellows?
( all shouting at once)
( screaming)
It's me... Buffo.
It's Buffo!
Buffo, you scared me to death.
What are you doing here?
I got hurt at rehearsal
this afternoon,
and Ricky said I
could come over here
and lie down for a while.
Oh... what rehearsal?
Are they getting ready
for that TV audition?
Sure, the show's tonight.
Tonight? Why, that big bum.
So that's why he sent me
on a wild-goose chase...
Just to get rid of me.
Well, are you all right, Buffo?
Will you be able to
do the show tonight?
Well, I guess I can,
if the bicycle works.
The brakes locked.
Oh. I'll take a look at it.
Oh, you got it here.
Yeah.
How is it?
Seems all right.
Wait till I try it, huh?
Oh!
Oh!
Here.
Buffo, are you badly hurt?
Oh, you'd better tell Ricky
to get somebody else.
But who?
I don't care.
Why don't you take my place?
Me?
Oh, don't be ridic...
♪ Yo quiero pedir que
mi negra me quiera ♪
♪ Que tenga dinero
y que no se muera ♪
♪ Yo le quiero pedir ♪
♪ A babalu ♪
♪ Una alegra mona como tu ♪
♪ Que no tenga otro negro
para que no se muera. ♪
( shouts)
¡Callo!
¡Suave!
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu-aye! ♪
♪ ¡Babalu! ♪
( shouts)
Yeah!
¡Suave!
( shouts)
¡Arriba!
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Arriba con la conga ♪
♪ Arriba con la conga... ♪
Yeah!
¡Arriba!
¡Ole!
Yeah!
¡Arriba!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
Hey!
Isn't Buffo here yet?
No sign of him anywhere.
Oh, that's a fine thing.
Look at that, the
sponsors are here.
What am I going to do?
They don't look too happy.
Are you kidding?
For them, that's hilarious.
Well, I'll just have
to wrap up the show.
That's all I can do.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we thank you very much for
being such a wonderful audience
but we'll have to conclude
the show because...
Have you seen a fellow
named "Risky Riscardo"?
I'm looking for a fel...
I'm looking for
a feller named...
Who are you
looking for? ( yells)
Who are you looking for?
I'm looking for a feller
named Risky Riscardo.
Well, I'm Ricky Ricardo.
Oh, well, pleased to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
Do you know where
I'd find Risky Riscardo?
Now, look, clown,
we're doing a show
here, you know.
Ooh, I know, I know, yeah.
Well, what do you want?
I want to be in the band.
Oh, you're a musician.
I am?
Oh, I am, I am, yeah.
Where do I sit?
Hey, wait!
Come back here!
Now, look, come back here.
Wait a minute.
What do you think you can do?
You think you can
just walk up here
and start working with a band
just like that?
Just like that?
What do you think this is?
First of all, I'll have to
see your credentials.
( gasping)
Listen, tell me
something, professor...
Have you had any experience?
Come over here,
please. Professor,
come right over here.
( drum beating with footsteps)
Look, tell me something,
do you play that thin'?
How's that?
I said, "Do you
play that thin'?"
What "thin"?
Never mind making
fun of my English.
That's English?
Do you play that instrument?
Where?
Over there.
Where? There.
Where? Right there.
Oh, there!
Do you play it?
Well...
Yeah.
Well, I tell you
what we'll do...
We'll give you an audition.
Huh?
We'll listen to you.
Play something for us.
No! That's right.
Now? Right now.
Oh, my, will you help me?
I'll help you out, sure.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
( drumbeats)
( drumroll)
( drum riffs)
( drumroll)
( cymbal tap)
Well, here you are, professor.
Gracias.
Gracias to you, too.
( ratcheting)
( drumbeat)
( drumbeat)
( drumbeat)
( cymbals clash)
Yes, professor?
( mouthing words)
Oh, se quiere acompanamiento
con orquesta.
Huh?
Que se quiere
acompanamiento con orquesta.
¿Como lo quiere?
¿En cuatro, en dos
andante, moderato, por arriba?
¿Como lo quiere?
Gracias.
All right, all right.
We'll go with the professor.
On the downbeat,
professor, we'll go with you.
Anytime you're ready,
professor, we'll go with you.
( mouthing words)
( yells)
( band playing circus march)
Yeah, boy!
( drum solo)
Look, professor, professor!
Come over here,
will you, please?
Look, professor, I'm sorry
but I haven't got
any use for a cellist.
No!
No. I'll tell you
what, though...
We have a brand-
new instrument...
Oh?
And I've been looking for
someone who can play it.
Oh.
And if you can play it...
Eh?
You've got yourself a job.
Oh...
Eh? oh.
Eh? oh.
You want to try it?
Well, what is it?
It's a saxovibatronophonavich.
Oh, a saxovibatronophonavich.
That's right. You
think you can play it?
Oh, sure, sure.
Well, wonderful.
Bring it out here!
The professor can play it.
We found someone
who can play it.
Bring it out here.
Professor, we'll take
care of the cello for you.
Here, take care of the professor's
cello. Saxovibatronophonavich.
♪ It's a
saxovibatronophonavich ♪
♪ It's a
saxovibatronophonavich ♪
♪ It's a saxovibatronophonavich
♪ Professor. Professor.
♪ It's a saxovibatronophonavich...
♪ Professor.
( whistles) Professor!
Right over here, please.
Now, look, professor...
All you got to do
is give us a tune,
and you got
yourself a job. Right.
All right? Right.
Go to it. Right.
( screams)
That's it right
there, professor.
That's it. Go ahead, go ahead.
Give us a tune.
( honking "How Dry I Am")
( hits sour note)
( imitating seal bark)
( whistle blows)
( band playing circus march)
Hey, professor! Professor!
Hey!
Ricky...
Ricky, where you been?
It's after 3:00.
Oh, Ricky, talk to me.
Oh, I was only trying
to help... honest.
I never dreamed they'd
offer me a contract.
What are you
going to do about it?
What do you want
me to do, Ricky?
You know what I want.
I just want you to
clean the house...
Oh, I've been doing that
ever since I got home.
And hand me my slippers
when I come home at night...
And cook for you
and be the mama
for your children.
Let's see you pull
that out of your pocket.
Well, Ricky, that's
what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I have a surprise for you.
You do?
Yes... something that
should make you very happy.
Lucy, you mean...
Yes, darling.
Oh, gosh.
I baked your favorite pie.
( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)