I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Seance - full transcript

( "I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)

( theme song ending)

Good morning, dear.

Uh, what cooks
with the breakfast?

Yes, dear.

Oh, breakfast, yeah.

Oh, oh.

What's so interesting?

Numerology, it's
just fascinating.

Oh, no. What happened
to reading palms,

tea leaves and horoscopes?



Nothing, only this is so
much better than any of them.

Oh, it's a lot of nonsense.

It is not. Now you read that
book and see for yourself, Five.

Five?

Yeah, that's your name in
numerology... I figured it out.

Oh, no.

Drink your two
before it gets cold.

Now, wait a minute, before
this thing gets out of hand

I think I'd better
nip it in the three.

Watch your language!

Now look, honey,
you're a grown woman

and this is the 20th century.

Why don't you forget

all these superstitions
and crazy ideas?



They are not crazy ideas.

For all you know, Ricky Ricardo,

you might be going through life

with the wrong name.

Hey, I'd better figure
out the right one for you.

Maybe if you're
something besides five,

it'll help our vibrations.

Lucy.

What?

Don't you like
the way I vibrate?

Oh, now you be quiet.

Let me figure this out.

Let's see now, two and
three are five and "C" is six.

Now we need four and "O" is two.

There you are.

That's the perfect name.

Uh-oh.

What is it?

Genevieve.

That'd be interesting.

Of course, you'll have to buy
towels marked "hers" and "hers."

Look, I got a wonderful idea.

Why don't you just
call me Ricky Ricardo

and forget all the
numerology nonsense, huh?

Uh-oh, you dropped
some silverware.

That means company is coming.

And it's a fork. That means
it's going to be a woman.

Oh, and my palm itches.

You know what that
means, don't you?

The woman is wearing
woolen underwear?

No.

You didn't take a
shower this morning.

No. it means I'm going
to get some money.

Ha!

Now, you just watch... A
woman is going to come

to the door today and
give me some money.

I tell you what, my
witch doctor friend...

I'll make a deal with you.

What?

If a woman comes to the house

and gives you some money,

I will give you ten bucks.

Oh, you're a doll!

Thank you.

But...

Oh, but.

Yes, but...

if this loaded female
does not appear, huh,

you will forget all
about these horoscopes,

numerology and superstition

and all the rest of the
nonsense, all right?

It's a deal.

It's a deal.

Good morning, Lucy.

She's a woman.

I guess so.

Well, thanks.

Now that that's settled,
how are you, Three?

I'm fine, Seven.

Oh.

Five got out on the wrong
side of the bed this morning.

Here's the mail.

Mr. Six just brought it.

Oh, thank you.

And here's the dollar I
borrowed from you yesterday.

Thank you.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

I'd better leave for rehearsal

before I lose my sanity.

Good-bye, Three.

Good-bye, Five.

Why do you have that
idiotic smile on your face?

I was just thinking of a
perfect 16 I used to know.

Oh, get out of here.

Hey, by the way, my barber
is going to call this morning

to see if I can make it

this afternoon for a haircut.

Tell him yes.

Oh, wait a minute
now, wait a minute.

I want to look up
your horoscope.

This might not be a good day

for you to have a haircut.

Good-bye, Lucy.

Wait a minute, here
it is... Gemini, Gemini.

"This is your big day.

Everything you do
today will turn out well."

Okay, Ricky, it's all right
for you to get a haircut.

Well, I don't know.

I'm worried.

About what?

You'd better look up the barber

and see if it's a good day
for him to give me a haircut.

Oh...

Now you go on.

You feel free to say yes

to everything today
no matter what it is.

Oh, boy, will I!

Let's see what my horoscope is.

What are you, Ethel?

I'm Leo.

And the old lion
sure is in a rut.

It says exactly the same
thing it said yesterday.

Really? Yeah.

Matter of fact, this
is yesterday's paper.

What?

Uh-huh. See?

Oh, no! And I told Ricky

to say yes to everything today

and this may be
his "no" day. Oh.

What did I do
with today's paper?

Oh, no.

Oh.

I got to find that horoscope.

Here it is... Gemini,
Gemini, Gemini.

( gasps)

What does it say?

"This is not your day.

"Danger lurks everywhere.

"Climb in a hole and
pull the hole in after you.

Don't agree to anything."

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, poor Ricky.

Out with a "yes" on
his lips on a "no" day.

He shouldn't even
go to the barber.

He might lose an
ear or something.

( phone rings)

That must be the barber.

Hello.

No, the answer is no.

Look, Ricky told me
you were going to call,

and the answer is no... N-O.

See here, what is your name?

Merriweather? Well,
listen, Merriweather,

I'm going to recommend
to Mr. Ricardo

that he have nothing
more to do with you.

One of his sideburns
is always higher

than the other anyway. Good-bye.

That takes care of Merriweather.

You sure saved Ricky from that.

I'd better call him at the club and
tell him to come home and hide.

I got to go.

So long, Three.

Good-bye, Seven.

Lucy!

LUCY: Oh, honey, am
I glad you came back!

I was reading the
wrong newspaper.

This is one of your
bad, bad days of all time.

You can't talk to anybody

or transact any business.

You'd better get in bed

and pull the covers
over your head.

I think I'm reasonably
safe sitting here.

Well, honey, I don't know.

Did anybody call?

Just the barber...
I told him no.

Nobody else? No.

Well, good. I came back
because I remember I'm expecting

a very important phone
call here this morning.

What about?

I don't want to talk about it.

It's bad luck to talk about
a big deal before it's set.

Just keep your fingers crossed.

Well, if it's that big,
I'll do better than that.

Aren't you
overdoing it a little?

I'm not finished yet.

Well, that should keep
the bad spirits away.

Now, go in the kitchen
and do your dishes

and don't think
about it anymore.

The call should come
through any minute.

Well, I'm not gonna
uncross anything.

You sure nobody called?

Just the barber.

Well, that's good, because
I want to make sure

to talk to Mr. Merriweather
personally.

What's the matter?

Ricky, what's your
barber's name?

Nick.

Nick what?

Vascalupas.

Just as a matter
of idle curiosity,

who's Mr. Merriweather?

Well, I guess there's
no harm in telling you.

He's one of the biggest
theatrical producers in town,

and he's going to call
me here this morning

and offer me a job in
one of his next shows.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, yeah, wonderful.

Ah, honey, if this
thing comes through,

all our worries are over.

You can have anything
that you ever dreamed about.

I'm going to buy you

the biggest
diamond ring in town.

Diamond ring?

Yes, and I'm going to buy
you a full-length mink coat.

A mink coat?

And-and the longest,
shiniest Cadillac

in the whole world.

( wailing)

Lucy, is there something wrong?

Oh, Ricky, I've
done a terrible thing.

But before I tell you,
is there any chance

that Vascalupas has changed
his name to Merriweather?

Lucy...

Lucy?

What have you done?

Lucy, what have you done?!

Stand still and I'll tell you.

Well? Well,
Mr. Merriweather called

and I thought it was the
barber and I told him no.

What?!

I was only trying to help!

Help?!

Help!

I'll call him and explain.

You'll do better than that.

You're going to go
down there in person

on your knees. Come on.

Oh, won't we get there
faster if we take a cab?

Come on.

Tillie.

Tillie!

Tillie, if you can hear me,
answer on the Ouija board.

( intercom buzzing)

Yes?

Oh, send them in.

Hello, Mr. Ricardo.

Hello, Mr. Merriweather.

This is my wife, Lucy.

She has something to tell you.

Oh, how charming.

Mr. Merriweather,
it was a big mistake

saying no to you today.

You see, I thought...

Oh, wait, please, please.

I can't discuss any
more business today.

It's after 12:00.

After 12:00?

Yes. My horoscope says no
more business after noon today.

Oh, you follow horoscopes?

Yes. I'm Scorpio.

Oh, I'm Taurus.

I'm cooked.

Well, won't you,
won't you sit down?

Yes.

You see, you see,
Mr. Merriweather,

the reason that I said no

was because Ricky's
horoscope said

that it was a very bad day
for him to accept anything.

Oh, yes, I understand perfectly.

Well, Mr. Merriweather,
if you understand,

maybe we could discuss about...

Oh, Ricky, if the stars say

that he can't discuss business,

that means he can't discuss it.

Now, you see, important
people like Mr. Merriweather

are interested in horoscopes,
numerology and all of that.

Oh, you study numerology?

Of course.

I'm a one.

I'm a three.

I'm a five.

We're all odd, aren't we?

Do you Ouija?

How's that?

Do you... do you Ouija?

Well, I'm not sure.

I mean, have you had any success

with the Ouija board?

Oh, Ouija board!

Oh, no, I haven't
gotten around to that yet.

Oh, too bad... I've
worn out three of them

trying to contact my
dear, departed Tillie

who left me three years ago.

Oh, I understand.

I wish I could find
a good séance.

You wouldn't happen to know

where they're having one,

Mrs. Ricardo, would you?

Well, now, it just happens

that we're having a
séance at our house tonight.

We are?

Oh, we are, we are.

And we'd love to have you come.

We just happen to
have a vacant chair.

Oh, I just can't wait.

Who knows? I may even
get to talk to Tillie tonight.

Lucy, this is just plain silly.

If Mr. Merriweather finds out

that we're doing
this just for him,

he'll never give me a job.

Oh, honey, he won't find out.

Now, Ethel will be the medium

and you and I and Fred
will just it here hold hands.

Well, what good would that do?

Well, now, you never can tell.

Before the evening is
over, we may see a spook.

Don't tell me you
invited your mother.

Well!

( humming snake charmer music)

Introducing Rhea, the medium.

Well done, medium Rhea.

( laughing)

Ethel, you look sensational.

That's a wonderful getup.

Isn't it?

Fred, what are
you doing with this?

It's not a Shriners'
convention, you know.

Come on, Fred,
help me get some ice.

All right.

Oh, bring the bucket, will you?

Ethel, I want to
tell you something

before the boys come back.

What? I have a feeling

we're going to contact
the other side tonight.

Yeah? What makes you think so?

Shake hands with
Tillie Merriweather.

Huh?

Ricky will kill me if he
knows what I'm planning,

but after everybody gets seated,

I'm going to sneak
away from the circle

and I'm going to
be the voice of Tillie.

Where will you be?

Well, I'll be right over there
behind you, near the fireplace.

Help me with the chairs.

Listen, Fred, Lucy will kill me

for even thinking about this,

but as long as we're going
to go through with the séance,

Mr. Merriweather might as
well really contact his wife.

Yeah.

Now, would you care to help me,

Mrs. Merriweather?

I think you've
snapped your twig, son.

Now look, Fred,
it's very simple.

All you have to do is pretend

that you have a headache

and that you want to go
downstairs to bed, see?

Then, as soon as
the séance gets going,

I'll stamp my foot
twice, you sneak up,

and pretend to be the
voice of Mrs. Merriweather.

Now, do you think you can
sound like a female spirit?

( high voice):
Well, I don't know,

but I can certainly
try, oh, dear old boy.

Good girl.

I mean, uh...

I meant good boy.

Now listen, Fred, don't be too
obvious about the headache.

We don't want them
to suspect anything.

Don't ham it up.

( moaning and groaning)

Fred, is something wrong?

It's my head.

Oh.

Aren't we going to have fun

at this séance?

Well, I guess so.

You look seriously ill to me.

Oh, if it's his
head, he's all right.

There's nothing
up there to hurt.

Why, you cruel, heartless woman,

speaking to a sick man like this

without any sympathy.

Fred, you'd better
go to bed downstairs.

Go to bed, Fred.

( doorbell buzzes)

Oh, good evening,
Mr. Merriweather. Come in.

Hello, Mrs. Ricardo.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening,
Mr. Merriweather.

I'll take your coat and hat.

Thank you.

Mr. Merriweather,
uh, I'd like to present

Madame Ethel Mertzola.

She's going to be
our medium tonight.

She's psychopathic.

How do you do?

Oh, (stammers) how do you do?

Oh, I've been thinking
about this all afternoon.

You know, I have
a feeling that tonight

I'm going to contact Tillie.

So have I. So have I.

Well, is everybody ready?

Yes, I feel real trancey.

Good.

Uh, you sit here,
Mr. Merriweather.

Ricky, you're over there, dear.

All right.

I'll turn out the lights.

Okay, I'll move
this one over here.

All right, Madame.

Now, everybody join hands.

Now everybody close their eyes

and keep them tightly closed.

The spirits must not see
the whites of your eyes.

Close your eyes and concentrate.

( sneezes)

Oh, excuse me.

God bless you.

Oh, thank you.

I am now going into a trance.

I shall try to contact Tillie.

The next voice you hear
will be the voice of Tillie.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Um, my foot was asleep.

Oh.

Is everyone comfortable now?

I'm comfortable.

Are you, Ricky?

Yes, I am. How about you, Lucy?

Yes, I'm comfortable.

All right, here we go.

I shall now contact Tillie.

Ethel to Tillie.

Ethel to Tillie.

Come in, Tillie, over.

( sneezes)

Tillie.

Tillie, is that you?

( high voice):
Yes, it's me, Tillie.

But Tillie, that
sneeze, are you sick?

( normal voice): Sick? I'm dead.

Oh, that's right.

But-but wait, if you're a spirit,
how can you have a cold?

( high voice): I went out
last night without my shroud.

Oh.

Ow!

( high voice): I mean, owww.

Wh-wh-wh-what's the matter?

Oh, I burned myself.

It's awfully hot here.

Oh, that's where you are!

Oh, Tillie, I'm so
disappointed in you.

Oh, well, I have to go now.

Oh, no, no, no!
No, wait, Tillie, wait.

Tillie, I've always wanted
to ask you something.

What?

Tell me, Tillie...

Who did you like the best,
me or Mrs. Merriweather?

Huh?

I said, who did
you like the best,

me or Mrs. Merriweather?

Well, you, of course.

Oh, this is the most
exciting day in my life.

Tillie liked me the best.

Oh, now... Now, if... if I may,

I'd like to try and contact
Mrs. Merriweather.

Mrs. Merriweather?

Well, all right.

Ethel to Mrs. Merriweather.

Ethel to Mrs. Merriweather.

Come in, Mrs. Merriweather.

Over.

FRED ( high voice): Hello...!

Is-is-is-is that you, my dear?

Yes, darling.

Darling?

That doesn't
sound like Adelaide.

Shut up, you worm!

That's Adelaide!

Oh, what terrible memories
it brings back to me.

Uh, my trance is wearing off.

I think you'd
better hang up now.

All right, good-bye, Adelaide.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Tillie.

LUCY ( high voice): Good-bye.

Well, everybody
unclasp hands now.

Open your eyes.

Well, this has certainly been

an eventful evening.

Yes, yes.

Well, I-I must dash
home immediately

and write it in my diary.

RICKY: I'll get your coat, sir.

Thank you. Oh, Mrs. Ricardo,

I just can't thank you enough.

Well, it's been a pleasure.

Good night, Madame Mertzola.

Oh, good night.

I'll walk you downstairs.

Oh, Lucy, you were great.

I'd never have known
you did those two voices.

I didn't.

You didn't?

No.

Ethel, you underestimate
your transmitter.

You really contacted
the other side.

( gasps)

I did?

Yes.

Oh, Lucy, I'm frightened.

So am I.

Hello, Fred.

Hello.

Yippee!

( both scream)

Honey...

you got the best horoscopes
in town. Well, thank you.

You know what he did? What?

Mr. Merriweather gave
me an even better job.

He's going to star me
in one of his next shows.

( all congratulating him)

Oh, listen, Ricky, I have
a confession to make.

I did a terrible thing.

I was the voice of Tillie.

But, you know that other
voice, Mrs. Merriweather,

it was real.

( high voice): It certainly was.

Fred Mertz.

You were the other voice!

Yeah, and I thought
Tillie was a real spook.

Oh, no! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There's something
else I don't understand.

If Tillie wasn't Mrs.
Merriweather, who was she?

Oh, well, um, Mr. Merriweather
explained that to me,

and he paid you a
great compliment.

He said he knew
it was the real thing

because it sounded
exactly like Tillie

if she could talk.

Well, that's very flattering.

If she could talk?

Well, you see,

Tillie was Mr. Merriweather's
cocker spaniel.

Oh, no!

("I Love Lucy"
theme song playing)