I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 5, Episode 4 - Guess Who's Going to Be a Bride?: Part 2 - full transcript

[♪]

NARRATOR: The unsuspecting
Major Anthony Nelson

was assigned the task
of escorting the ambassador

from the tiny Middle Eastern
kingdom of Kasha

through the NASA complex.

Kasha has the only known
deposits

of refinable phinkilium,

needed for the NASA
propulsion systems.

The assignment
would have been routine,

except Jeannie's uncle,

ruler of the neighboring
kingdom of Basenji,



chose this moment to arrive
at the Nelson house

to announce that he was
giving up his throne

in favor of Jeannie.

Major Healey has been
helping Jeannie decide

what to give Major Nelson

for his fifth anniversary
as her master.

Her uncle's arrival decided her.

She would give
her master a country.

But when she asked Major Nelson
to marry her

and become the new sultan,

he made the mistake of saying
that he wouldn't marry her

if she were
the last genie on Earth.

And that is when
his trouble began.

Goodbye, master.



Forever.

[♪]

[♪]

Jeannie? Jeannie!

Uh, I didn't mean it.

Jeannie, he didn't mean it.

Even if he did, he's the one
who said it, not me.

I didn't do it.

This is no time to joke.
She might really be gone.

Wasn't me.

Oh, thank heavens.
Here's the bottle.

Give me those.

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, Jeannie.

Listen, I'm... I'm really
sorry for what I said.

I... I didn't
mean it at all. I...

What happened was, that I... I
was pretty angry at your uncle

and...

I hope you'll forgive me.

[♪]

Maybe she didn't hear you. Uh.

Jeannie, come on out. I...
I brought you some flowers.

There's nothing in there.
Oh, yeah.

And she left me a note.

What's that?
You read it.

Well, I'm afraid she's
really left you this time.

I can't believe it.

[SIGHS]

Well, uh, think of
the bright side of...

You're a...
You're a free man now.

Yeah, sure. Jeannie
won't be around

to make any more trouble
for me, that's for sure.

And you don't have to make up
any of those wild stories

for Dr. Bellows.
Yeah.

I don't have to think up
those cockeyed explanations

for all the nutty things
she used to do.

Yeah. From now on
you're just

an average, everyday astronaut.

Huh? Average,
everyday astronaut.

Yeah, that's right.
I'm a free man, huh?

[LAUGHS] Yeah!
What am I worried about?

I feel like a... A big weight's
been lifted off my shoulders.

Oh...
Thanks, Roge.

That's the spirit. That's the...
That's the spirit.

Oh. You're really
taking this like a man.

Jeannie?
Jeannie.

Where are you?

Jeannie.

What are you doing?
Huh?

Well, I... I just wanted to
make sure that she didn't, uh,

ch-change bottles,
you know.

I thought you were glad
to get rid of her.

Yeah, well, I am. I... I just
wanted to be sure she's not here

before we celebrate, you know?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, maybe
we'd better look around

before we start whooping it up.

Yeah, you look around, huh?

I'll check the living room.

Jeannie?

[♪]

Jeannie?
Jeannie?

Jeannie.

Jeannie?

Now, come on.

Oh.

[SPUTTERS]

Not in there either.

Uh.

Major Nelson.

Major, are you here?

[GRUNTING]

Roger! Roger!

Hey, Roger, would you help me

get this bottle off my finger?

Oh. Colonel Bellows.

What happened to Tony?

He seems to have
knocked himself out

with a pop bottle.

I have terrible news.

Major Nelson has been dropped

from the astronaut program.

TONY:
Jeannie.

Jeannie...

[♪]

The general is very
determined, major.

Frankly, I don't think
it'll do much good,

but I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you too,
Tony, till the end.

Uh, sir, whatever happened
was an accident.

See, it was not my fault. I...
I'd like a chance to apologize.

Major Nelson, he insists
that you tried to stab him

with a dagger, slit
his throat with a scimitar,

uh, throw him
into a den of tigers,

and poison him
with a glass of acid.

Now, somehow I don't think

an apology would be sufficient.

[LAUGHING]
A den of tigers? Really, sir.

I know, major. I know.

But you can see the position
this puts me in.

We need that phinkilium
desperately

for our propulsion systems.

And when the Pentagon hears
that we've lost it...

well... somebody's head's
got to roll.

Oh, but general, Major Nelson

is one of our finest officers.

I know, doctor.

But it's either
his head or mine.

[SIGHS]

That's very nice of you, sir.

You can always get a job
with an aircraft company.

Healey...

when that's the choice...

he loses.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Well, I did my best,
old buddy. I...

Colonel.
General.

Hold it, Healey.

You're in this too.

And as the old saying goes,

two heads are better than one.

ROGER:
Oh, thanks a lot, old buddy.

There's nothing I wanted more
than six months' duty

in the Aleutian Islands.
TONY: Don't blame me, Roge.

Jeannie got you into this.

ROGER: Why isn't she up here
tracking satellites, instead of me?

TONY:
If we're gonna get along,

don't mention
Jeannie's name again.

ROGER [SHIVERING]:
I didn't bring it up. You did.

TONY:
Don't shake your fist at me.

ROGER:
Who's shaking his fist?

I can't stop shivering.

Ooh. Oh... Oh... Oh...

[♪]

You are still mooning
about that astronaut.

Ooh. Oh, I am
not mooning.

He does not care for me anyway.

Forget all about him.

Soon you will have a new master,

and right here in Basenji.

N-now, let's discuss
the list of suitors.

Hm.

Tsk. How do I choose?

Oh, it... It is very ingenious.

It is written that
he who wishes to marry

into the royal family of Basenji

must first answer
the riddle of the box.

Well. Very well, uncle.

I have agreed
that I shall marry,

so I suppose it does not matter
how my husband is chosen.

I shall be ready
when the time comes.

[♪]

[SIGHS]

Good afternoon,
oh, future queen.

Oh.

What's the matter
with the future queen?

She's still attached
to her former master.

Well, now, ahem, I want you
to inform all of the suitors

that the day of the riddle

will be in exactly one week.

And be sure and
tell 'em the rules.

He who is, uh, successful in
answering the riddle of the box

will marry Jeannie.

And those that lose
will be, uh...

Be, uh... beheaded.

[♪]

[BEEPING]

Explorer 8 disappeared
from the screen

at precisely 21:08.

That's 2-1-0-8.

Right on beacon.

Mail call.
This is Nelson, over and out.

Whoa. Whoa,
cold. Oh!

Oh.
Oh, cold.

I wish you'd take
your snowshoes off

before you come
into the igloo, huh?

They are off.
My feet are swollen.

Oh, by the way, uh,
Enik's got a friend for you.

Enik? Who's Enik?

Oh, it's a little Eskimo girl
I met down at the mail drop.

Hot stuff, relatively
speaking. Heh.

Well, Roge, you know we're not
supposed to fool around

with Eskimo girls.

I know, but I've got no choice.

Did you ever try to
kiss a walrus?

Huh? Here we go.

Uh, Dolly. That's for me.

Helen, that's for me.

Gwendolyn, that's for me.

Dr. Bellows.
That's for you.

Do we stay here?

Oh, mail.

Oh, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Oh. Helen, Helen.

Hey, Roge! We've been
reprieved!

You're kidding.

[CACKLES]
Oh. You're kidding.

Listen to this.
"Major Anthony Nelson..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah... Oh,

"Since NASA has been able
to get phinkilium

"from an unexpected source,

"I have persuaded General
Schaeffer to reinstate you both.

"You have been assigned to
the Apollo 14 project.

"Proceed to Cocoa Beach now.

Best, Alfred Bellows."
Alfred Bellows!

[BOTH CACKLE]
Oh! Hello, Dolly.

Oh... Oh, listen.
I gotta... Listen...

What's the matter with you?
Why aren't you jumping around?

I can't. You're standing
on my snowshoes. Oh. Oh.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait.
Here's something else.

What's the matter?
[SNIFFLES]

Oh, no.
What's the matter?

What does it say,
"cancel the previous message?"

"The tiny kingdom of Basenji

"will receive a..."
"A new monarch on Wednesday

"when the maharani,
Jeannie the First,

"will choose a husband and
be crowned on the same day

in an ancient
Middle Eastern ceremony."

Roge...

Jeannie's getting married.

Well, what's the matter
with that?

You said you never wanted
to see her again anyway.

And you believed me?

I haven't been able to get her
out of my thoughts

since we've been here.
Three whole weeks.

I... I dream of her
every night.

I'm in love with her.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Hey...
That's Wednesday. Wednesday.

Wait a minute. By the time
you get down to Cocoa Beach

and ask Schaeffer's permission,
it'll be too late.

I'm not going to Cocoa Beach.
I'm going to Basenji.

[♪]

Basenji?

[♪]

You wanted to see me, general.

Oh, yes. It's about, uh,
Nelson and Healey.

I see that you've okayed their
assignment to the top position

in the Apollo 14 project.

If you're concerned about
their health, sir,

I'm sure that three weeks
in the Arctic

can only have toughened them.

No, it's not that.

It's... It's Nelson's stability
and dependability.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that, sir.

I'm sure he's learned
his lesson.

Well, all right. We'll see.
When will he be back?

Well, I just received word from
the air base in the Aleutians.

Uh, they're ready to
take off immediately.

That should, uh,
bring them back about, uh,

oh, noon tomorrow.

Word of caution, doctor.

If I don't find Nelson
stable and dependable...

Oh, he will be, sir.

Absolutely dependable.

I guarantee it.

[♪]

Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Wait.

Where are you going?
We're routed for Cocoa Beach.

Roger, this plane's going to
Basenji International Airport.

You don't have to come.
She's my Jeannie.

Are you kid...?
We've just been reinstated.

If you do this, we're gonna
get kicked out for sure.

Well, I can't help it,
Roger. I'm in love.

Oh, goodbye, Dolly.
Goodbye, Gwendolyn.

Goodbye, Helen.
Goodbye, Tony. Goodbye, Roger.

Goodbye, world.

Boy, I'm running out
of goodbyes.

[♪]

Now, Major Nelson, your
first mass-land checkpoint

will be Juneau.

Course one-seven-oh vector.

Oh, Major Nelson, you're
headed the wrong way.

Correct to one-seven-oh vector.

Major Nelson?

You're headed for...

Russia.

Russia?

Russia?

Oh, I...

Sir, I'm sure there
must be some mistake.

Yes, doctor, that's possible.

And you better hope it's true,

because if that plane
lands in Russia,

I'll have you
court-martialed.

[♪]

Come on, baby.
Get me to the mosque on time.

Hello, firing squad.

Hello, anybody.

Get me out of here.

Please I gotta...

[♪]

[HORN TRUMPETS]

[♪]

People of Basenji,

today is the day

of the riddle.

Where are all the...?

Where are all the suitors?

There are none.

When they learned the rules,
nobody wanted to play.

Oh. This is
a disaster.

We must find Jeannie
a new master.

How we gonna pay for
all this crepe paper?

I have it.

You shall marry Jeannie.

Me?

[HORN TRUMPETS]

[♪]

[SIGHS]

Ah.

[♪]

Uncle Sule. Who is that?

Oh, that is
only Osman, my child.

You know, due to
our austerity program,

besides being secretary
of the state,

why, he is also
the royal executioner.

Executioner?
What for?

Well, for the losers, naturally.

You know, I mean, if... If they
don't guess the riddle right,

why, they're instantly beheaded.

Oh, uncle, that is horrible.
I could not possibly do that.

Uh, not you. Uh, Osman.

You know, one zumph
and it's all over.

Oh! Oh, that is
terrible.

I refuse.

Oh, now, now, now.
Now, don't worry, my dear.

I... The occasion
may not even arise.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Suitors for the hand
of Queen Jeannie

step forward and
announce yourself.

[♪]

TONY:
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I demand the right
to see the queen.

I demand the right
to call a cop.

[GASPS] Master.

W-what...? What is
the meaning of this?

You dare invade
the imperial throne room

on the day of the riddle.

Jeannie, I want to talk to you.

SULEIMAN:
Silence!

You have no claim on her.

You are not her master
any longer.

Then I demand the right to ask
for her hand in marriage.

Marriage?

But...

But master, you...
You said that...

I know what I said, Jeannie.

And I must have been
out of my mind.

I can't live without you.

I love you.

And I want you to be my wife.

Oh...

[GASPS]

[GIGGLES] Master.

Oh, master.

Oh.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, master. I...

Uncle Sule, I...
I have changed my mind.

I do not wish to
marry my master.

Send him home. Huh.

Send them both home.

Oh, just... Just...
Just a minute, my dear.

On second thought, I will
allow your foreign master

to enter the competition.

I mean, after all,
the only qualification is

that he agree to abide
by our rules.

Now, you do agree to abide

by our little rules,
don't you...?

Oh, yes, yes. Uh, anything
you say, Your Excellency.

You just tell me what to do.

Master, you do not
understand. No.

TONY: Hm? Hi.

Oh, uh, what's that thing for?

Oh, uh, just casual interest.

[CHUCKLES]

Carry on. Ah.

Tony, I think you better give
this thing some thought.

Silence!

Now, uh, advance
to the riddle box.

And you, major, shall have
the honor of going first.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, don't mention it.

Uncle Sule, I will not allow it.

I do not wish
my master to compete.

Oh, uh, unfortunately, my dove,

it is completely
out of my hands.

It is written that all who wish

to guess the riddle of the box

may have the chance.

Uh, you mean all I have to do is
tell you what's in the box?

[CHUCKLES] Childishly
simple, isn't it?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Ask him what happens

if you are wrong.
Well, o-of course, there...

There is a small penalty.

[♪]

I told you we should
have stayed in the igloo.

Guess.
Uh... Well, yes,

I... I'm thinking.
Um...

Guess.

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

[SNICKERS]

Your time is up. Guess!

An ingot of phinkilium.

What did you say?

An ingot of phinkilium.

Aw...

Can he have two out of three?

Huh?
Oh. So sorry, major.

[LAUGHS] Boys, do your duty.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Uncle Sule!
Ooh!

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let... Let's talk
this thing over.

Hey. I'm in
the United States

Air Force.
I'm a major. I...

Wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it!

[INDISTINCT MURMURS]

Oh, Jeannie. What
did you do that for?

Oh, I am sorry, uncle.

But now that I have
my master back,

I no longer wish to be
Queen of Basenji.

I will ride off.
And goodbye, uncle.

Jeannie? Oh.
Jeannie?

What about me?

I didn't want to come here
in the first place.

[SCREAMS]

Jeannie?

Jeannie, would you
come here, please?

Oh, master.
[SCREAMS]

You love me. You love
me, you love me Yes.

You were willing to risk
your life for me.

Yes, stop it.
How could I have doubted you?

You crazy pussycat.

Okay, okay, okay.
That's enough, that's enough.

Oh, yes, master.
Instantly.

Anything you wish.
Anything you...

And do not worry. We do not
have to get married.

I will return to my bottle and...
And I shall be your genie,

and you will be my master, and
I will obey your every command.

Blink me back to NASA.

Oh, yes, master.
Instantly

Jeannie.

Your dress.
Your dress.

Oh. Of course, master.

Oh, yeah, that...
That's just fine.

Major Nelson.
[GASPS]

No, no. Not here.

But master,
Dr. Bellows.

All right, just stay here.
That's an order.

Where did you come from, major?

The last we heard of you,
you were over Russia.

Uh, you must be mistaken, sir.

We just got back
from the Aleutians.

I knew you wouldn't
let me down, major.

General, colonel...

I'd like to introduce you to...

my fiancée.

[♪]

Fiancée?

[GIGGLES]

Well... congratulations
to you both.

I... I know you're both
gonna be very happy.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Are you sure you
weren't over Russia?

Oh, no, sir. We, uh...
We left the Aleutians

about, uh...

We left the...
Roger. Uh, uh...

Roger...
Oh, yes. Yes.

Where is Major Healey?

Uh... Uh, didn't he
come in with you?

Excuse me, sir.
If I may

speak to my fiancée.

[CLEARS THROAT] Get Roger back.

Roger?
Get him b...

Major Healey. You know.
Oh, yes, ma...

Oh, darling.
[CHUCKLES]

This is really goodbye, Dolly.

Goodbye, Gwendolyn.

Goodbye, Helen.

Major Healey.

Oh. General.

General. Oh, colonel.

Oh. Hi...
Hi, Tony. Heh.

Rough flight, huh?
Yeah.

There you are, Major Healey.

I assume that you've
heard the good news.

Oh. Miss,
don't you realize

this is a military installation?

Sir, she must have
wandered in by mistake.

I'll take care of this
immediately.

Roger...
I know.

You've never seen her before
in your life.

Major Healey...

this is Major Nelson's fiancée.

Fiancée?
We thought you knew her.

Oh, you thought I knew her.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, I didn't
recognize her with the...

It's a new hairdo.

Well, you two have
been away three weeks.

I... I know Major Nelson
wants some time

to greet his fiancée properly,

so why don't you both take
the rest of the afternoon off.

We'll see you tomorrow morning.

Well...
Thank you, sir.

Oh, thank you.

You know, general,

this is wonderful news.

I'm sure that she's gonna be
a steady influence

on Major Nelson.
Heh.

[♪]

Sir, they're...
They're gone.

Well, of course they're gone.
I told them they could go.

But, you don't understand, sir.

They...
They disappeared.

Dr. Bellows, what is
the matter with you?

But, sir, I swear
to you, they...

They just disappeared.

I mean, they didn't have time
to go through any doors.

One moment they were here,
then the next minute they...

But I...
Uh, come along, doctor.

Come along.
General, I swear...

Yes. Let's go
into my office.

I swear...

[♪]