I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 18 - Genie, Genie, Who's Got the Genie?: Part 3 - full transcript

[♪]

Jeannie?

Jeannie, darling, where are you?

TONY:
Jeannie?

Jeannie,
what are you doing here?

Aha.

Woo-hoo.

It's me, dear,
your adorable sister, Jeannie.

Well...

Jeannie?

[SIGHS] Jeannie...



Tsk. Oh, wouldn't you know it?

She'd be the kind
of ding-a-ling

that's up and out
at the crack of dawn.

Ahhh.

Well, well, well.
Alone and unprotected.

[GROWLS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ROGER: Tony, you ready?
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Boy, what a day to oversleep.

Today's the day
we get our assignment.

Tony? Wake...
Oh.

Jeannie?

Jeannie's in our office.
Don't you remember?

What's she doing there?

We accidentally locked her
in the safe,



and she can't get out.

Now, come on.
Locked up in a safe?

TONY:
Let her out.

ROGER:
We can't let her out

because the president
of the United States is

the only one who has
the combination.

Who?

The president
of the United States.

The president
of the United States?

Yeah.

[♪]

Jeannie?
Are you in there?

Darling, it's me.

Sister?

Oh, Sister, you've come
to let me out of here.

I'd be glad to, darling,

if it weren't
for a little matter

of sibling rivalry.

Sibling rivalry, what is that?

[SIGHS]

Well, my square little sister,

it means that you have got
something I want.

And with you locked up
in that cozy little safe,

you won't be able to keep me
from getting it.

Oh, well, you can have anything
of mine you want.

Just name it. What is it?

Well, it's about 6-foot-1.

It's got lovely brown hair,

big blue eyes,
and it's called...

My master? Oh, no!

No, I would rather stay
in here forever.

Well, your wish is my command.

Ciao.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

BELLOWS: Well,
yes, Major Nelson.

You've drawn Area 25.

Oh, good.

Panama, Ecuador and the Guianas.

That's on the equator, sir.

I don't have
to remind you, major,

that keeping the world informed
of our progress here at NASA

is an important part of our job.

Where each man goes is, uh,
just the luck of the draw.

Yes, sir.

Will that be all?
That'll be all, major.

Oh, uh, send in Major Healey,
will you?

Yes, sir.

[♪]

Thank you.

Yes, Major Healey,
you're assigned to...

What is all that?

You know my motto, sir:
"Always be prepared."

This is a speaking tour, major,

not the Olympic games.

I know. I didn't know
where I was gonna be sent.

So I bought all this gear
so I'd be ready to go anywhere.

Yes.

Well, this is your assignment.

Oh, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

Oh, boy.

Paris? Rome?
Switzerland?

"Cocoa Beach."

That's here, sir.
That's right, major.

We're, um...

We're having open house
this week.

And you're in charge
of showing the civic groups,

the women's clubs

and the schoolchildren
through the base.

You don't know who might be
going to Switzerland,

do you, sir?
I think I could sell the...

That's your problem, major.

No problem.

Oh, uh, send in the next man,
will you, please?

Yes, sir.

I, uh... Heh.

Uh...

Oh, boy, Cocoa Beach.

How could Dr. Bellows
do this to me?

That's the luck of the draw, Roge.
Yeah.

Hey, how'd you guys do?

Oh...
Don't ask.

That bad, huh?
BOTH: Yeah.

I got lucky.
Middle East.

Shish kebab and belly dancers.

Yeah. I drew the equator.
Mosquitoes and sunstroke.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

Comin' through, comin' through.

While you two guys are fumbling
around the world,

graceful Roger has to stay here
in Cocoa Beach. Oh!

WOMAN:
Watch your step, buddy!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Good luck, Tony.

Come on, graceful.

Sorry, miss.

Still in there, darling?

I just dropped by
to say goodbye.

You are leaving?

Oh, yes.

I have just arranged
for my master

to leave for the Middle East,

and, uh, I wouldn't dream
of being parted from him.

Your master?

Hmm.

My new master, Major Nelson.

He is not your master.
He is my master.

Was, dear heart, was.
Heh, heh.

You can't do him much good
locked up in there,

now, can you?

[GROANS]

Well, I...
I will get out of here.

I must.

[JEANNIE II CHUCKLES]

Well, I don't see how, darling.

I'm certainly not going
to help you.

And as for Major Nelson,

once I get him on my home turf
in Baghdad,

he's going to have
a rough time helping himself.

Ooh! Well, I... I...

I will tell him.
I will warn him.

Hmm.

You would too, wouldn't you?

[DOOR OPENS]

Roge, it's not the end
of the world, you know.

Uh, Jeannie,

I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you.

Master! Master!
[SKI EQUIPMENT CLATTERING]

TONY:
Roge.

Roger!
I can't hear Jeannie.

[SOFTLY] Oh.

But I can arrange it
so that he can hear me.

[SHOUTING INAUDIBLY]
TONY: Take it easy.

Uh, Jeannie,

I've gotta make a lecture tour
in Latin America.

I'm gonna be gone for some time,
but you don't have to worry.

Old Roger's gonna be here
to take care of you.

Yeah, old Roge will be here
to take care of her.

JEANNIE II [AS JEANNIE]:
What a shame, master,

that you were not sent
to the Middle East to Baghdad.

Then you could look for Haji,
the chief of the genies.

He could get me out of here.

Yeah, I know
it's a shame, Jeannie,

but my orders read...

Hey, look there.
Says, "Middle East."

How 'bout that?
It's your name on top.

Somebody must have goofed.

Wait, you must have
switched papers with Arland.

No, it's impossible, Roger.

Wait a minute, don't look
a gift horse in the mouth. Go.

What about Arland?
Think of what it'll do to him.

I'll get ahold of Haji
as soon as I get there.

What is this?

Major Healey, if you don't mind.
Sorry.

You're still here, Major Nelson?

Yes, yes.
Oh, there it is, boys.

Now, be careful with that,
will you, please?

What are you doing?
What...?

Oh, I have good news for you.

We've scheduled
another moonshot,

and this time, it's going up.

TONY:
But you can't do that, sir.

Now, I know how attached
to it you are, major.

Dr. Bellows?
Yes?

Could you give me
five minutes alone with it?

Pull yourself together, major.

ROGER:
What are you gonna do?

Only one thing to do.
What's that?

I've gotta go to Baghdad
and find Haji.

[♪]

Silks, effendi.
Fine silk.

Hey, hey, maybe you're
the one who could help me.

Come here.

Do you know a guy named Haji?

Ah, Allah has guided
your footsteps, effendi.

I am Haji.

I... I mean, Haji,
the chief of the genies.

Ha, ha!
The effendi wishes a genie.

Come closer,
O blessed of the prophet.

I can help you.

This lamp, effendi, Effendi...

which you can purchase
for a miserable 50 dinar,

once belonged
to the fabled Aladdin.

You have only to rub it
and a genie will appear.

No, no, effendi. He will try
to cheat you, effendi!

With these magic scarves, heh,

you may assume
anything you wish.

Blind dog!

They are but cheap rags.

But with this lamp, effendi...

This lamp once belonged
to Aladdin himself.

A miserable piece of tin,
effendi.

This belonged to Aladdin.

You are selfish.

No, you don't understand.

I'm not really looking
for that kind of thing.

What is it?
Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Whatever it is you're selling,
I don't need anything.

You wish to find Haji,
chief of the genies.

Haji... Do you know
where he is?

He is not far from here.

Follow me.
You bet.

Effendi, listen to me.

Would you...?
This lamp, effendi,

is capable of...

Give me my hat.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

You are a dog!

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, slow down, will you?
How much further?

[MIDDLE-EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC ENDS]

[WOMEN SQUEALING] Oh.

I'm sorry, ladies. Oof!

WOMAN:
Oh, get him!

Oh, wow.

No, it's all right.
I'll be all right.

Just... Just let me sit down.

Aah!

Well, you don't really have
to be that demonstrative.

[CHUCKLES]

No. No, please...

[WOMEN LAUGHING] I'll have that.

Ladies, ladies, please.

Where am I, anyway?

In my master's harem.
Do you like it?

Yeah, well, it has a lot
to recommend itself.

Isn't there some kind
of a rule against this, huh?

Oh, don't lose your cool,
major, baby.

I'll protect you.

Jeannie? Your Jea...
You're Jeannie's sister!

Mm-hm.
You recognize me.

Well... Oh, listen,

I need your help.
[SQUAWKING]

Jeannie's locked up
in a safe at NASA.

And they're gonna send her
to the moon.

And you've gotta help me
get her out.

Well, of course, darling.

In 20 or 30 years
after I've gotten tired of you.

Mm? Oh, yeah...

Oh, now, wait a minute.
Don't pull that over...

[LAUGHING]

Ha, ha.

What do you think, girls?
Isn't he a gas?

[♪]

Wha...?

[♪]

Uh, girls?

Ladies?

[CHUCKLING]

Hi, would you come
over here, please?

[CHUCKLING] Hi, hi, how are you?

I don't know
if you know it or not,

but kidnapping is
a very serious offense.

And you could get
in a lot of trouble, you know.

Why don't you
let me out of here,

and then I'll just forget
about the whole thing, huh?

TONY:
Ahem.

You know, miss, uh,

somebody's forgotten
to feed me today, yeah.

I'm hungry.

You... You know, hungry.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, no.
Hungry, hungry.

Num-a-num-num.

[GIGGLES]

The universal language, uh...
Miss, miss, come here.

Yeah, that's right.

[CHUCKLES]

Say, uh...

Say, you're beautiful, you know.

You're really gorgeous, yeah.

Yeah, that's right.
That's... That's what you are.

I can go for you in a big way,

but I'm in here
and you're out there.

See, me in here, you out there?

All... All you have to do
is just open the door.

Open this cage door.

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

Wasn't I just in that?

Well, hi.
[WOMEN FAWNING]

Oh, that's very nice.
Thank you, thank you.

I know. Ha, ha, ha.

No, really, really, I can't.
I've got duty to do.

I've got a thing... Don't!

Ladies, I'd... I'd love to.
I really would.

But I have my own little genie
in a bottle at...

[ALL GIGGLING]

You wouldn't begin
to understand.

Could you just show me
the way out of here, huh?

But of course, darling.

Hi.

Right through that cage.

That cage?

[LAUGHS]
Now, look here, young lady,

I don't think you realize

that I'm here
on official business.

When NASA hears
that I'm missing,

they're gonna send someone
to look for me.

Oh, I'm sure they will.

But frankly, darling,

I don't think they'll be
looking in a Baghdad harem

in a birdcage.

Ah.

Nighty-night.

Tut, tut, tut.

[TRILLING]

Hello, Dr. Bellows.
Oh, Major Healey.

I can't stop now, sir.
Why not?

Top priority. The Ladies Civic
Betterment League are waiting.

Major, they can wait.

Would you mind telling me
what Major Nelson is doing

in Baghdad?

Baghdad? Oh, well,
that was his assignment,

wasn't it, sir?
No, it wasn't, major.

Arland was assigned
to the Middle East.

Why don't you ask
Major Arland, sir?

I can't.
He's in Latin America.

Well, that's all
very interesting, sir,

but the tea's getting cold,
and I...

Major Nelson has disappeared.

The authorities in Baghdad

have been searching
for him for 24 hours.

I've just alerted our consulate.

Tony disappeared?
Oh, that's terrible.

Do you know any reason
why he'd wanna go to Baghdad?

No, sir, but I'll find out.

Just hold it, sir.

Uh, Major Healey,
come back here.

Third door to the right.
Cream and sugar's on the table.

ROGER [QUIETLY]:
Jeannie?

Oh, Jeannie, I got great news.

Tony's in Baghdad,

and he's been missing
for 24 hours.

I think he found Haji.

Oh, no, Major Healey.
That is terrible news.

It means that my sister
must have captured him.

Your sister? What's your sister
got to do with it?

She was here.

She tricked my master
into going to Baghdad.

But, Jeannie,
you suggested that.

Mm-mm.
No, it was my sister.

Oh, major, you must help him.

Okay. I'm ready.

Major Healey?

Aren't you gonna blink me?

I cannot.

You mean, I have
to fly there myself?

But I will tell you
where to look for my master.

Go to the big bazaar.
Take the street on the right.

Go seven quintals,
no more, no less.

Seven quintals.

Turn left.

You will see a big palace,

and that is where
my sister's master lives.

Yeah, now,
let me get this right.

We go to the big bazaar,

and we take the first street
to the right.

Then we turn seven quintals...

Whom, may I ask,
are you talking to?

Well, I was, uh, talking to...

Oh, I was just going
over my strategy

for when I go to Baghdad.

And who said
you were going to Baghdad?

Well, you did, sir.

I'm going to get Tony,
and I, uh...

Wish me luck, sir.

Uh, Major Healey, the tea.

Oh, no, thank you, sir.

I'm a coffee man, myself.
Thanks.

Now, you've got your 200 dinars
for the magic silks.

And here's your 500 dinars
for Aladdin's lamp.

Now. Now can you tell me
what a quintal is?

Yes, it is very easy, effendi.

You put one foot in front
of the other foot,

then you multiply by four.

No, no, no, you divide by three.

You son of a dog,
you multiply by four.

By the son of Allah,
you are a dog.

You multiply by four.
You are cursed dog.

Allah has put raisins
into your eyes.

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

You are a dog!

[♪]

Hi. Heh.

[EXHALES]

You're here on business.
Here to find Tony.

Here to find Tony.

[SINGING BRAHMS' "LULLABY"
IN ARABIC]

Ah.

Good night, little major.

Now, tomorrow,
if you're a very good boy,

perhaps I'll let you out
for a little, uh, exercise.

[GIGGLES]

[RESUMES SINGING]

[♪]

Oh!

Shhh.

Me friend.
Yeah, very good.

Me good friend, yeah.

Oh, I came here to rescue Tony.

I came here to rescue
my best friend.

Rescue.

[EXHALES]

Miss. Oh, miss.

Did you see a guy come through
that was dressed like me?

In a uniform?

Yeah. Nice...
Nice talking to you.

Shhh. Friend.

I came to rescue my best friend.

Oh, miss.

Miss?

Oh, I bet she doesn't
even know how to say no.

JEANNIE II: The one you
search for is in the cage.

Thank you, miss.
Thank you very much.

Oh.

Tony, what are you doing
in there?

There's no time, Roge.
Just open the door, quick.

There's no rush, major.

You two will have all the time
in the world to talk.

[CHUCKLES]

I came to rescue you.

Thanks, Roge.

It's nothing.

Here, we could, uh,
rub Aladdin's lamp.

Get the...

Oh, don't worry, my pets.

In a year or two,
if you're very good boys,

I'll get you separate cages.

MAN [BELLOWING]:
Where are you?

Ah. There you are.
Hello, girls.

Well, master, darling.

I thought you would be
in Switzerland,

skiing at least another month.

With a genie like you,

I cannot risk
an extended vacation.

What mischief
have you been up to?

[CHUCKLES]

Me? None.

[STAMMERING]
I was just... feeding the birds.

Oh, yes, my pets.

[CHUCKLING]

[WHISTLING]

[BOTH IMITATING BIRDS]

[BOTH WHISTLING]

Ugh!

[HABIB GROANS]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Listen, I can explain this.
You won't believe it, but...

Who are you?!

Nice talking to you.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Now, you tell me who you are!

ROGER: I just wanna
be... I can explain.

Just let me explain.
I'll tell you...

HABIB: Tell me now.
Don't shake.

HABIB:
Who brought you here?

[YELLING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

HABIB: Oh, son of a
camel, infidel dog.

ROGER: Yeah, I know,
I'll tell you what.

HABIB: What is it? What is it?

All right, fellow, this is it!

[TRAY BONGS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GROANS]

Which of you wishes
to die first, huh?

Oh, not me, I'm just a tourist.

Thanks, Roge.

Infidel dogs.

[TRAY BONGS]

[GROANS LOUDLY]

I will teach you
to steal my genie.

No, no, you had it all wrong.

She stole me. She's
the one that kidnapped me.

Really, honestly.

Oh, what would she want
with the likes of you, huh?

Well, I... I...
I really don't know.

Wench.

With that one, it is possible.

[GROANS]

Heh. Do you wish me to fix them
some shish kebab, master?

[YELPS]

Do they speak the truth?

Well...
You lie,

and I will seal you
in amber forever.

Well, I only wanted them
for pets.

[LAUGHS]

Look... Look what
you've done to my coat.

My apologies, gentlemen.

Habib is in your debt.

She will grant you one wish.

And then I will kill her.

Well, I wish you
wouldn't do that.

Done.

You have your wish.

Now we are even.
You get rid of them.

Ahhh. We're back! We're home!

Oh, we're back home.
[LAUGHS]

Hey, you blew it.
What are you talking about?

We could have wished Jeannie
out of the safe.

Oh, don't worry.
Jeannie's gonna be all right.

Huh? Look.

TONY:
Jean...!

They're gonna send her
to the moon!

We gotta get outta here.

Hey, Jeannie!

Roger, will you...?

Wait a minute,
I wanna watch this.

[♪]